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Joe,
> Another one from Groucho:
>
> "I never forget a face. But, in your case, I'll make an exception".
JM> Let me talk to my lawyer about this and if he agrees, I'll get a new
JM> lawyer.
Sounds like the stuff from "Disorder In The Court" -- actual quotes from
the courtroom!! If you can't laugh at these, then something's wrong with
you!! :P
**
Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.
Q: Were you shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal
the watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go
also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
station?
A: Mr. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the
son of a gun -- and she did.
Q: How long did it take for you to get from where you live to Mr. Hicks
office in Mount Vernon?
A: From where I live, it's 14 miles to Mount Pleasant, 14 miles to
Pittsburgh, and 14 miles to Mount Vernon. I'm 14 miles from nowhere,
any which way I go. Plus another 14 to come home; that's 28 miles
throwed away.
Q: How much education do you have??
A: About 3 semesters at Lon Morris Junior College.
Q: Do you remember giving your deposition in my office several weeks ago?
A: Yes.
Q: Do you remember my asking about your education at that time?
A: I think so.
Q: You stated you had a master's degree in geophysics from the University
Of Texas, didn't you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: When you gave that answer, were you mistaken, or was it a barefaced lie?
A: It was a barefaced lie.
Q: Are you married??
A: Divorced.
Q: What did your husband do before you divorced him??
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: You were fired for allegedly using profanity on the job. What happened?
A: Well, my colleague was soldering some wires close to the ceiling. I was
holding the ladder. He was not paying attention to the solder that fell,
and I'd complained more than once. At a given point in time, he let fall
onto my shoulder a red hot piece of metal.
Q: At that moment, what did you say?
A: I said "Look, my dear colleague, at the hole you have made in my shirt".
Q: The claimant says that he worked a minimum of 2 hours overtime per day.
Is that true?
A: Deep down inside, it is true. But, he'll never get any witnesses to
prove it.
Q: Before the accident, you lived with your brother-in-law and sister for
about 6 months?
A: Yes.
Q: You got to know them quite well?
A: Yes.
Q: You saw him interact with your sister? And I believe they had 1 child?
A: Well, I did not see the actual interaction, but they did have 1 child.
Q: There is presently a producing oil well on the property in question?
A: Yes, we have a brand new oil well on that lease.
Q: When did you drill this "brand new" oil well?
A: 1985.
Q: But, this is 1988.
A: Yes, it's been brand new for 3 years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you [kidding] me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
**
On several of those, all I could say was .
Daryl
... "I was married by a judge. I should've asked for a jury." -Groucho
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