MSGID: 1:135/250@fidonet 69365ccf   
   PID: C-NET AMIGA BBS 5.36b   
   FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE   
      
   ARRL DECLARES SEX A CATEGORY ONE QRM TO AMATEUR RADIOS FUTURE   
      
   NEWINGTON, CT  In an emergency bulletin that has left the amateur radio world   
   simultaneously baffled and reaching for their fan-cooled finals, the American   
   Radio Relay League (ARRL) has issued a stark warning to the nation: the act of   
   sexual intercourse is the single greatest threat to the hobbys survival.   
      
   The statement, titled Preserving Bandwidth: A Call to Chastity for Continuity,   
   argues that the hormonal distractions of young adulthood are directly   
   responsible for a catastrophic drop in new license applications. For decades,   
   a young mans natural progression was from crystal radio to Novice ticket, to   
   finding a rare DX entity on 20 meters, said Hiram P. Wattage, ARRL Vice   
   President of Propriety. Now, we see them pursuing other entities. Theyre   
   engaging in off-band activities that provide no utility to emergency   
   communication networks whatsoever.   
      
   The ARRLs proposed solution is a historic, multi-pronged alliance with   
   institutions they have traditionally viewed with suspicion. We must look to   
   our shared values, the bulletin continues. We call upon the Church to renew   
   its emphasis on pre-marital chastity, not merely for spiritual reasons, but   
   for the health of the 70cm band. We urge local governments to sponsor Its Okay   
   to Be a Virgin (VE) programs in high schools, redirecting adolescent energy   
   toward soldering and log-keeping.   
      
   Reaction from the amateur community has been mixed. Ive been a contester for   
   40 years, said longtime operator Lightning Larry from his shack in Dayton. My   
   YL [wife] has always been understanding, mostly because Im down here and shes   
   upstairs. This seems like overreach. Besides, the birth of my son gave me a   
   reason to build a new Elmer station.   
      
   Social scientists are perplexed. Dr. Anya Hertz of the Institute for Modern   
   Living stated, Theyve incorrectly correlated two data points. The decline in   
   ham radio is due to smartphones, video games, and the internet offering   
   instant gratification. Sex, frankly, has been around longer than Morse code.   
   Blaming it is like blaming solar flares for your failing marriage.   
      
   Undeterred, the ARRL is rolling out a new public service campaign. Posters   
   featuring a forlorn-looking young man staring at a disconnected mic, with a   
   shadowy female figure in the doorway, will be distributed to hamfests   
   nationwide. The tagline reads: DONT LET THE RAG CHEW BECOME A PILLOW TALK.   
   STAY ON FREQUENCY.   
      
   A proposed new license endorsement, the Celibacy Plus or C+, which would grant   
   extra privileges on digital modes, is currently under review by the FCC, who   
   have so far only responded with a lengthy string of question marks in official   
   correspondence.   
      
   The League is also revising its licensing manuals. The 2025 edition will   
   reportedly replace the standard photo of a smiling multi-op station with a   
   stark, black-and-white image of a monk copying CW in a spartan cell. A new   
   chapter, Managing Biological Interference, will cover cold showers, the   
   antenna-building benefits of excess energy, and the importance of keeping your   
   vertical radiator properly grounded in a non-metaphorical sense.   
      
   At press time, Wattage was reportedly drafting a follow-up memo exploring the   
   debilitating effects of romantic hand-holding on fine motor skills required   
   for surface-mount soldering.   
      
   Rug Rat (Brent Hendricks)   
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