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Ward,
WD> Let me tell you a real story, and you know all my stories are real ...
WD> 8-)
WD> The nurses were elated, my doctors were elated and I think they
WD> released me 3-4 days later....
Now, for my crappy reply to your message...this is the turd one in this
thread.
Several years ago in Branson, Missouri...Tom Mullica did a show in tribute
to Red Skelton...and you thought Red had come back from the dead...the guy
looked, sounded, and acted just like him.
Well, he found out there was a group of nurses in the audience, and he was
ecstatic!! He gushed "I'm so thrilled that you're here today, as I've been
dying to ask this question!!".
The hall gets dead quiet, and he (looking right at the nurses), asks them
"Have we had our bowel movement today??".
It brought the house down in raucous laughter, and the nurses were all as
red as tomatoes.
I've had several hospitalizations over the years (2 last year with being
diagnosed with atrial fibrillation), and the main statement is "you can't go
home until you go poop". When I was hospitalized for digestive tract
issues, they wanted to release me early...and I said "I want to be sure my
colon is working before I leave, as it's what brought me in here, with
gastrointeritis (nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea). it's not fun to do it out
of both ends simultaneously).
Nearly 20 years ago, before I became disabled, and had to quit working,
I was helping a female co-worker with a printing job (I had worked in
silkscreen printing for almost 20 years). I usually would help put the
printed decals on a rack, but I had to "assume the position -- on my knees"
when the job started, but I was able to stand, as more and more decals
were printed, so I could put them on the rack to dry.
She had lost her first husband to colon cancer, and unfortunately, she
remarried too soon after that, and the marriage didn't last. But, one day,
I said to her "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the proverbial deer
in the headlights look on her face...so when I translated it to $h!+
happens, she howled with laughter...and said "I'm going to tell my sister
that one!!". The next morning, when she walked in, I asked her "Did you
ask your sister??" and "Same reaction??". Both responses were met with a
wildly grinning "yes". She and I were great friends, but she resigned
for another job elsewhere before I resigned due to declining health (my
body wouldn't let me do it anymore)...I have no idea what happened to her.
There was a vehicle involved in a wreck locally years ago, and it flipped
the car on its roof. It has a bumper sticker that was upside down, but when
the car was flipped over, the photo with "$h!+ Happens" was there in color
on the front page of the local newspaper. Maybe it should be "Hit Shappens",
and "We're doing this for Gits and Shiggles" .
The stench from the excrement is an indicator that the trillions of the
bacteria in your gut are doing their job to digest their food. Things like
beans, asparagus (maybe it should be ass-spare-a-gas ), cabbage, legumes,
etc. will make you flatulate (fart) like mad...and if you have a dog
(especially a dachsund), these silent but deadly (SBD) methane fart bombs
are particularly nasty.
Before my wife died, we were on the Futon, otherwise "intimately occupied",
and the dachshund was in his bed on the floor next to us. All of a sudden,
this horrible methane stench permeated our nostrils...the dog had dropped an
SBD methane fart bomb!! I started gagging from the stench, and my wife was
laughing uncontrollably...saying "You know he's down there, going 'Hee Hee
Hee. Ignore my @$$, will you??!!" . So, any lovemaking, etc. went down
the toilet and out the window, as I had to get dressed, and take the weiner
dog out for a potty run. I think we put him in his carrier after that, so
we wouldn't be interrupted again.
There was a commercial several years ago, and I think it was Tractor
Supply Company that did it. To start, the family is at the dinner table,
asking the blessing on the meal that they're about to consume...all of the
gas producing foods. As soon as they say "Amen", the dog leaps out from
under the kitchen table, and runs up the stairs to the bedroom. He gets to
this big chest of drawers, and after opening the bottom one, he starts
digging furiously, looking for something. Well, he didn't find what he
wanted in the first drawer, so he opens the second one, and starts digging
again...still nothing. Luckily, the third time was the charm...he found
what he was looking for...a gas mask!! So, he puts it on, runs down the
stairs, gets back under the kitchen table, and contentedly lies down.
Then, the announcer calmly says "We have what you need".
Everyone farts and poops...on the farting, from as little as 15 times a
day, to as much as 20 times an hour. I wonder how much of our tax money was
used to determine that?? They were going to do a study on second hand
flatulence, but they couldn't get any volunteers. And, after you've been
run over by a steam roller, they send a flatulance to pick you up...but the
ride really stinks. There are no shock absorbers in these vehicles, as you
can run over a quarter in the street, and tell whether it is heads or tails.
With the bowel movements, what is "normal" varies from person to person...
but if you go more than 3 days without a BM, that is too long, and it can
lead to constipation. Also, folks who sit on the toilet, in a chair, or in
a vehicle seat driving for a long time, who are overweight, or women who
have babies, are likely to get hemorrhoids...which are a real PITA.
Colon cancer is the second greatest killer right behind heart disease
and breast cancer, but it's one of the most preventable. Admittedly, the
prep work is a bummer, with no solid food the day before (clear liquids
only), and practically nonstop diarrhea for 12-18 hours beforehand, which
is followed by an enema. But, if you don't thoroughly clean out your colon
beforehand, you'll have to do the prep work again, and this time, pay the
expensive cost of it. Afterwards, you will have a lot of gas, joining all
the others "in the wind section".
Too bad that we can't convert that to our vehicles (gasoline jumped 70
cents a gallon in Arkansas in the last week). If we could, I'd order a
palatte of Bush's Baked Beans, ask Duke for the secret formula, and tell
OPEC what they could do with their gas prices.
We have enough oil under our soil in the US, to help lower the fuel
prices...but the environmentalists are more concerned about the bovine
flatulence and climate than the economy. For that matter, as noted earlier,
every creature farts and poops.
As Jeff Foxworthy noted in one of his skits, "the kids are coming out of
diapers, and the grandparents are going into them". His skit on his
colonoscopy (you can find it on YouTube) is an absolute scream. A few of
the highlights are as follows:
1) He downs all the fluids for the prep work, that was meant to be done
over 6 hours in just under 10 minutes. His stomach starts making funny
noises, sounding like the fireplace in The Amityville Horror. Then, his
underwear tapped him on the shoulder, and said "Run!!".
2) He passed everything he had eaten in his entire life...plus things he
had thought of eaten, things the neighbors had eaten, and a red bicycle
in the garage. Several hours later, what was coming out of him was classed
as "mountain spring water". :P
3) Afterwards, he was ready to go home, but the nurse told him he had to
"give back all the air they pumped into him", and "I have to verify that you
do it". He notes "I went to career day in high school. Nobody told me that
you could get paid good money for rating farts on a clipboard. I've got
friends who do that all the time for free". He adds "She wants me to do this,
and I need to do this. But, I was raised in the south, and my Momma taught me
NEVER to do that in front of a woman...especially in front of a woman you don't
know". He laments "I lock up"...so she has him get down on all fours in the
bed, and he knew it'd work. He said he thought of his wife's LaMaz (sp?)
childbirth class, and "the big push". He said "what came out of me was so loud,
and so long, that Fred Flintstone clocked out of work!!". He asked the nurse
if he could go home, and she said "Please do".
I heard of a case at a store, where this girl and her boyfriend were, and
he lets out this loud fart, and says her name, as if was HER who did it (when
it was actually him). She started crying, and ran out of the store. She should
have ended the relationship right then, for his insensitivity.
And, $h+! isn't dirty...it's an acronym for either "Ship High In Transit",
or "So Happy It's Thursday"...especially if you have Friday (or fart day)
or Saturday ($h!++erday) off from work.
After getting diagnosed with IBS and other issues 20 years ago, my
wife asked "You want me to bring your computer and ham radio stuff into
the bathroom?? You seem to spend so much time in here!!" :P
So, with that, I'll make a sewer pipe, and get the $h!+ out of there.
Daryl
... A Steak Sandwich: A Porterhouse between 2 Ribeyes.
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