If you can read this whole story without laughing then =
there's
no Hope for =
you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take =
time to read this =
slowly. For those of you who have lived in =
Natal, you know how typical =
this is. They actually have a Curry
Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major =
portion of a
parking lot at the Royal Show in =
PMB. &nb=
sp; &nbs=
p;
&=
nbsp; &n=
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sp; &nbs=
p; =
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named =
Frank, who was
visiting =
From =
America. =
=
=
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be =
selected as a judge at a
Curry Cook-off. The original person called =
in sick at the last
moment and =
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for directions to the Beer Garden when =
the call came in.
I was =
assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the =
curry wouldn't be all that =
spicy and, besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I =
accepted". =
&=
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p; =
<=
/p>
Here are the scorecard notes from the =
event: &=
nbsp; =
&=
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p; =
<=
/p>
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO =
CURRY... =
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. =
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very =
mild. &n=
bsp;
Judge # =
3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You =
could remove dried paint from =
your driveway. Took me two beers =
to put the flames out. I =
hope that's the worst one. =
These
people are =
crazy. &=
nbsp; &n=
bsp; &nb=
sp; &nbs=
p;
&=
nbsp; &n=
bsp; &nb=
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p; =
<=
/p>
CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN =
CURRY... =
&=
nbsp;
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. =
Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more =
peppers to be taken
seriously. &nb=
sp; &nbs=
p; =
=
&=
nbsp;
Judge # 3 -- Keep this =
out of the reach of children. I'm =
not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides =
pain. I had to wave off
two =
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! =
They
had to rush =
in more beer when they saw the look on my face. =
&=
nbsp; &n=
bsp; &nb=
sp; &nbs=
p; =
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE =
GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great =
kick. &n=
bsp;
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, =
good use of chili peppers. =
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums =
pill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drain =
Cleaner. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer =
before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in =
the front part of
my =
chest. I'm getting pissed from all the =
beer. &n=
bsp;
&=
nbsp; &n=
bsp; &nb=
sp; &nbs=
p; =
CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN =
CURRY... =
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no =
spice. &=
nbsp;
Disappointing. =
=
&=
nbsp; &n=
bsp;
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. =
Good side dish for
fish or =
other mild foods, not much of a =
curry. &=
nbsp;
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my =
tongue, but was
unable to =
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste =
buds?
Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me =
with fresh
refills. That 200kg woman is starting to =
look HOT...just like
this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an =
aphrodisiac? =
&=
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p; =
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP =
REMOVER... &nb=
sp; &nbs=
p;
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne =
peppers freshly =
ground, adding considerable =
kick. Very =
impressive. &n=
bsp;
Judge # 2 -- =
Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must =
admit the chili peppers make a =
strong =
statement. &nb=
sp;
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is =
pouring off my =
forehead and I can no longer focus =
my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The =
contestant seemed =
offended when I told her that her =
chili had given me =
brain =
damage. Shareen saved my =
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer =
directly on it from the =
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning =
my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other =
judges asked
me to stop screaming. Screw them. =
&=
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bsp;
&=
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bsp; &nb=
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p; =
<=
/p>
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN =
VARIETY... &nb=
sp; =
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold =
vegetarian variety curry. =
Good =
balance of spices and =
peppers. =
=
&=
nbsp;
Judge # 2 -- The best =
yet. Aggressive use of peppers, =
onions,
and garlic. =
Superb. =
&=
nbsp; &n=
bsp; =
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a =
straight pipe filled with =
gaseous, sulfuric =
flames. I am definitely going to **** =
myself
if I =
fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No =
one
seems inclined =
to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to =
wipe my ass with a snow cone =
ice-cream. &nb=
sp; &nbs=
p; =
=
&=
nbsp;
&=
nbsp; &n=
bsp; &nb=
sp; &nbs=
p; =
<=
/p>
CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S =
"MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" =
CURRY... =
Judge # 1 -- A =
mediocre curry with too much reliance on =
canned
peppers. =
=
&=
nbsp; &n=
bsp; &nb=
sp;
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, =
tastes as if the chef literally threw in a =
can of chili peppers at the last =
moment. (I should take note at
this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He =
appears to be
in a bit of distress as he is cursing =
uncontrollably). &nb=
sp;
Judge # 3 -- =
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the =
pin,
and I =
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, =
and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing =
water. My shirt is
covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my =
mouth. My =
pants are full of lava to match my =
shirt. At least, during the =
autopsy, they'll know what killed =
me. I've decided to stop
breathing- it's too painful. Screw =
it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just =
suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my =
stomach. =
&=
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bsp;
&=
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bsp; &nb=
sp; &nbs=
p; =
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING =
CURRY... =
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice =
blend curry. Not
too bold but =
spicy enough to declare its =
existence. &nb=
sp;
Judge # 2 -- =
This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it =
was lost when Judge
#3 =
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down =
on top of himself. Not =
sure if he's going to make it. Poor =
man, wonder how he'd have =
reacted to really hot curry? =
