Re: Summer plans  was: shinies and sickies   
     By: Nancy Backus to Damon A. Getsman on Thu Aug 06 2015 14:19:14   
      
    NB> Somehow got ahead of myself with the last message... out of sequence...   
    NB> now going back to the older packets... ;)   
      
     I think that might've been my system's fault at this point.  I used to have a   
   problem where the Synchronet BBS process would jump up to 100% CPU usage, and   
   totally stop importing any messages to networked message areas.  My guess is   
   that it stopped sending outbound at the same time.  Anyway I was wondering why   
   things had been so quiet for a few days, took a look at the process list, saw   
   that was the case, and fixed it a few days ago...  So there might have been a   
   small deluge of messages that'd be held up on my system.   
     Unless it was just an error on your part in which case shame, shame.  ;)   
      
    NB> Tight circumstances certainly complicate financial planning, make for a   
    NB> lot more juggling... ;)   
      
     It's something I'm used to, but looking forward to giving up, while trying to   
   stay somewhat reasonably frugal.  Juggling is tough; I spent an entire summer   
   trying to teach myself to do it with balanced objects...  Financial instruments   
   don't balance nearly as easily.  ;)   
      
    DAG>> of that. It's that kind of situation that makes my agoraphobic   
    DAG>> tendencies flare up.   
    NB> Understood... not so much an excuse as an explanation....   
      
     Well, I perhaps overcompensate for the fact that a lot of people view these   
   kinds of issues as completely head games or excuses for losers/lazy people.    
   The stigma with mental illness, if you want to go all out and call it that, is   
   heavy and burdensome.  So I try to make a little joke about it now and then to   
   defuse any of those pure-of-thought Sith out there who are planning on telling   
   me that I have a week mind and need longer bootstraps.  ;)   
      
    NB> Becomes almost a Catch-22...  Another reason for somehow managing to get   
    NB> that inner balance stabilized, so that circumstances don't knock you off   
    NB> center so easily...   
      
     It does very easily.  I've fallen out of habit with running and meditating   
   again lately, too (medication went into flux for a few days).  Hell, it got   
   stressful enough from the med flux that I actually picked up smoking for a   
   little bit again, too.  :(  Those catch-22s are horribly easy to fall back   
   into; I hang onto that stability like it's the last warm piece of wreckage from   
   the titanic when I can.  I just wish the VA would find some more reliable, and   
   less down-to-the-minute way to send my medications, so that if something does   
   go wrong, I don't have to go all up and down the taper again and deal with The   
   Fears during the time my brain is resetting.   
      
    NB> So it's mostly the getting there, but also a little of the "new people   
    NB> to deal with" that holds you back...?   
      
     That pretty much sums it up, yeah.   
      
    NB> And learning to work through the agoraphobia is a very good exercise. :)   
    NB> The knitting could be useful, too... ;)   And having something to keep   
    NB> your mind and fingers occupied can get the mind off the fears as well...   
      
     'Tis one of the reasons that I picked up making hemp necklaces and bracelets.   
   I think it'll be very good for the same things.  :)  Plus it's always nice to   
   have hobbies where you can put actual effort into gifts for friends or loved   
   ones, instead of just picking up crap.  Unless, of course, they have a specific   
   need for aforementioned crap, or a piece of crap that they've very much been   
   coveting for some time.  Anyway, you catch my drift I'm sure.    
       
    NB> Bravo on the accomplishment... :)  Keep that in mind to balance out the   
    NB> insecurities that are sure to arise again...  :)  A few more triumphs   
    NB> like that, and maybe you can dispel the naysayers in your mind...  :)   
      
     Well...  Things didn't go exactly as they had seemed at first, actually.    
   There've been some more minor triumphs, and some big quagmires...  I think I   
   need a few more nice big triumphs before I'll be totally secure with this.  I   
   got a call from my contract holder the other day and I was FREAKED OUT because   
   this marketing person has picked me as her target because she doesn't   
   understand tech and....  I guess she scheduled me for a phone call with another   
   marketer (who was supposed to be answering code-level questions for me-- yeah   
   right), and then never told me about it, never got my RSVP of 'No' sent several   
   hours early, and didn't get the email that I sent about not going for the   
   pointless and expensive (for them) phone call.  So needless to say she was   
   pissed with me and 'filed a grievance'.  Luckily, my contract holder kind of   
   hates her, and has my back (and that of my teammate).  He even put some new   
   rules in place about stupid crap like that in order to avoid future   
   frustration, and thanked us for putting up with their crap.   
     So while I'm not as secure as I was there for a bit, I'm doing better with it   
   again.  God the workplace drama.  I'm so glad I'm working from home; though it   
   might help better with strategy to see that marketer in person so that I could   
   figure out better how to negate the roadblocks that she throws up.   
     Eh, well, life goes on.  Work's been keeping me busy as hell lately.  And,   
   well, med flux has been screwing me up to the point where I can't concentrate   
   on emails very well (or haven't been able to until today), so I've   
   procrastinated like crazy.  I think I've got at least a dozen more messages   
   hanging around in different places right now.   
     !Viva las cartas!   
      
     -D   
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