Re: Re: I'm back on this one,   
     By: NANCY BACKUS to DAMON A. GETSMAN on Wed Aug 06 2014 09:52:00   
      
    NB> I think you'd done a pretty good job of that in our previous   
    NB> discussion...  :)    
      
     Well, I've made the mistake before.  When I was a more juvenile person, a lot   
   of times when the heartbreak would come, I would write all about it in   
   excruciating detail.  I'd post it somewhere (livejournal back in the day), and   
   it helped me to receive the emotional support and feedback from people that I   
   knew.  Of course, it was also an exercise in convicting her amongst a jury of   
   my peers; that's not fair to anyone.  So, I deal as I can now in private, and   
   when I do write, as a coping mechanism, I try to do it as balanced as possible,   
   and I keep it to myself until I've been able to make sure that I'm not showing   
   just my side, as best I am able.   
     Whoops I just went back to the quote buffer and realized that I already said   
   some on this.  :P   
      
    NB> Lots of history there, to make you what you are now...  no doubt also on   
    NB> her side...  What one makes out of it is the question... :)   
      
     That is precisely the point that I'm working to get to.  For a long time I   
   was grieving, _hard_.  I don't remember ever going through that in a   
   relationship before.  It wasn't just her this time, though.  I mean, like I   
   said, I was a member of that whole family this time around.  Her father's last   
   friend died while I was there; she takes care of him.  I became his last   
   friend, and right now I can't even call him to try to be a decent person,   
   because I can't stop thinking of HER if I do it; my heartrate goes up to 150+,   
   and I have a massive anxiety attack.   
     I'm trying to make sure that I'm working on myself in all of this.  I can   
   only change me, and obviously (due to a lot of things that I didn't mention   
   here; signs I should have paid attention to, despite her contrary words to what   
   they were showing) I need to learn to not ignore characteristics of this sort.    
   Plus I need to learn that maybe I shouldn't be so hurt by somebody that has   
   these characteristics.  It all ended when I realized that I'd never allow my   
   son to be raised in that kind of environment...  The corpse just kept walking   
   around for a few months after that.   
      
    NB> Sometimes it's pretty hard to ascertain that there is that active   
    NB> deception, of course...  One to some extent has to accept people as they   
    NB> present themselves... but there is also certainly the need for   
    NB> discernment and not being too gullible...  :)  A balancing act, to be   
    NB> sure...  :)   
      
     Well, yeah.  She was slipping up with things that proved it, though, and I   
   glossed over them because I thought she was honest about working on these   
   issues.  Then again, there were things that proved this to be inaccurate, too.    
   I tried to resurrect our original agreement, that we were there for each other   
   through thick and thin, to carefully bring up to each other things that   
   might've been in each others' blind spots, and to improve ourselves together to   
   be the best parents, soulmates, and people that we could be.   
      
    NB> Yeah... I think that's where we left off...  ;)   Seems that craziness   
    NB> in one form or another seems to follow you around...     
      
     I have Loki on my shoulder, or some other type of more form-fitted Personal   
   Malevolent Diety(tm).  My friends are usually pretty amazed, especially after   
   the past year, of how these things follow me.  Of course, that brings to mind   
   the point that everywhere I go, there I am.  Is the malevolent diety on my   
   shoulder, or in my head?  It's important to keep self-aware and engage in   
   self-analysis whenever possible, in order to avoid a martyrdom complex that has   
   no basis in reality.  I owe more than that to my son.   
      
    NB> So you're in a new place yet again... and going through the same stuff   
    NB> you had to deal with before... sigh...   
      
     Well that part usually isn't too terribly tough.  It's not like this is new   
   to me.  I was first kicked out of my house by my parents at 17 years old   
   (that's not even legal!).  I had no ties, and went out to see the country, and   
   the world.  I got a lot of experience that I wouldn't exchange for anything,   
   but the lack of roots and a good foundation does leave me swinging in the wind   
   far too much now that I've got a dependent.  I've started rectifying that a few   
   times, but the economy, and the drama, has still upset me.  This time I'm   
   making sure that I do what I do alone, not sharing responsibility with anyone   
   else.  If I do meet somebody that gets through the cracks in my wall again, I   
   will not negotiate on this in any time less than a year.  I'm still waiting for   
   the burnflesh to scar over properly from the last times.   
      
    NB> Good friends of long standing are a definite blessing..  :)  I take it   
    NB> the stay with family didn't work out well either, then...?   
      
     Well, my adoptive mom just stole a few thousand more dollars from me, and   
   kicked my son and I out at threat of a police escort.  There's a much longer   
   story there, of course.   
     My biological sister is someone that I won't associate with.  When you're   
   smoking more than several grams of meth a day, you're usually hurting, even if   
   you're trying to help.  Plus, the way I saw her treating her kids...  Blatant   
   emotional neglect.  My son doesn't need to be around _any_ of that.  My   
   biological mother offered up her home to my son and I, and then was evicted due   
   to the landlord putting in a parking lot instead.  Then her husband was fired   
   from a job as a manager of a large hardware chain's store in his area.  It   
   appears that perhaps this diety that follows me has a bit of affection for my   
   biological family.   
      
    NB> Thank you.  I've found the decent sorts here in Fido to be a   
    NB> better-than-family sort of family... caring support and all that... :)   
      
     It's nice; I know I'd survive without it, but it's good to know that people   
   care, and are willing to engage in discussion about such, even if they are   
   geographically distant.   
      
    NB> I'm a little slow in responding lately... but it appears that your life   
    NB> is pretty hectic too...  here's your reminder...     
      
     *grin*  Yeah I've got to go take care of a few more things.  On a very good   
   note, I've been able to play double dutch with the ropes of red tape that've   
   been binding me for a few days, now, and I'm finally with an insured vehicle   
   again, and hopefully getting TANF in lieu of the child support that I've never   
   gotten from my son's mother very soon here.   
     I'm off to play some more red tape jumprope.  :)  Looking forward to your   
   reply.   
     Best wishes!   
    -=-   
      
   "It is no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick   
   society." -- Jiddu Krishnamurti   
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