Re: Re: I'm back on this one,   
     By: NANCY BACKUS to DAMON A. GETSMAN on Sat Aug 02 2014 21:07:00   
      
    NB> I went back into my saved messages, and saw that the last of a real   
    NB> discussion was a message from me dated 31 January, subject Support.    
    NB> Then you popped in briefly in early April with a tease about crazy   
    NB> stories to be told... and then disappeared from sight again...  :)   
      
     Oh, jeez.  I was madly in love.  Fifteen years, if you count the time between   
   our first few years together, when we were talking, and lovers, when we were   
   both single and in the same city.  I was in a land that I haven't felt for a   
   very long, long time.  I've been working on getting it out how I normally do,   
   by writing, but something is different this time...   
     I don't want to make the mistake of writing about it before I'm focused more   
   on the compassion that she deserves, for the past that has made her into the   
   person that she is today.  I don't want to go out and convict her before a jury   
   of _my_ peers, as a damn good friend put it.   
     I try to write, when I decide to pop the wound, and get some of the infection   
   out, in a balanced manner.  I try to weigh what she did, and what I did, in a   
   manner that doesn't favor one or the other.  I had a family; a stand-in father,   
   whose only other living friend died while I was growing tight with him.  I had   
   another son, for awhile.  Trying to help him is what hastened the end.   
     I only hope, in the meantime, that I am a better judge of character than my   
   past shows me to be, now that I've seen such a long term set of characteristics   
   sit in my blindspot for so long.   
     Right now I can't even get myself to open up to new people.  Maybe that's for   
   the best.  It scares the hell out of me now.  I will do anything to avoid   
   another relationship where there is active deception, or deliberate withholding   
   of important, honest, communication.   
     My story was crazy, and too good to be true.  I will tell the details at some   
   point, but right now I can't go there.  It still rips my heart out.  First   
   woman that I was ever engaged to, and by far the one that I've been the deepest   
   in love with.   
      
    NB> If need be, I probably could extract out old messages from me and   
    NB> re-send...   
      
     Oh, I know the context now.  What I will do, when I wake up and I'm not close   
   to collapsing from complete exhaustion as I am right now, is make sure that I   
   fill you in on the crazy events that took out my ability to communicate for so   
   long there.  Egad talk about some crazy indoor lightning storms.   
      
    NB> Thank you for the vote of confidence... :)   
      
     Not a problem.  Right now it's people like you that are keeping me from going   
   totally out of my skull with cabin fever and isolation right now.  I've been in   
   this new city for just about a month now.  Still don't have a job, and there's   
   no regular income where I'm at, yet.  My vehicle isn't insured...  Social   
   services has thrown up an amount of red tape that I can't surmount without   
   travelling 2800 miles (round trip) to get what they need, and I have to   
   scrabble to make sure my son has food to eat every day.   
     Still, I consider myself lucky.  The person that I am staying with is up   
   front, and honest, and has been a tight friend for over 20 years.  If I didn't   
   have him I'm sure I'd be handling this much less gracefully.  My confidence,   
   charisma, self-esteem, whatever you want to call it, has been a little bit   
   crushed since June.  It's inhibiting my ability to make new friends, too.  So   
   the people on the other end of this ASCII are very much appreciated, especially   
   the thoughtful and decent ones like yourself.   
       
    NB> The landmine etc places I don't even look at, with the one exception of   
    NB> one that I merely lurk in, mostly for reasons of my own (some of which I   
    NB> question when things get too nasty even for lurking...[g])  I much   
    NB> prefer the civil areas... those, to me, characterize FidoNet much better   
    NB> than the others...    
      
     Yeah, I just decided to finally just quit scanning a few of those echoes.    
   I'm done with drama and that pointless conflict.  I've had enough of that to   
   last a lifetime in every facet of my life; I don't need to choose to read   
   through it here, too.  :)   
     I'll write more tomorrow...  Unless I get too busy and get distracted, at   
   which point I'll write you soon as a message from you reminds me that there is   
   decent conversation to be had here.  :)   
     Take care!   
      
     -D   
    -=-   
      
   "It is no measure of good health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick   
   society." -- Jiddu Krishnamurti   
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