Re: support  was: Male Single Parenting - Views by Peers and Agencies   
     By: Nancy Backus to Damon Getsman on Fri Jan 10 2014 21:31:52   
      
    NB> Those sound like the type of echos I've always avoided... ;)  COOKING   
    NB> and MEMORIES, where I do hang out, are much more inviting places... :)   
      
     Yeah, it's funny how much time I wasted in areas like that when I was   
   younger.  Total pointless timesuck.  Now in the situation I'm at right now,   
   I've barely got enough free time/access to be able to get on my own system to   
   keep up with my RC duties and hell, I'm still a little behind.  I've stabilized   
   the living arrangements, even have a backup lined up, and more good things are   
   sure to follow.  Hopefully soon I'll be able to have enough time to sit and   
   rest a bit and catch up on everything that I've missed.  :)   
      
    DG>> Interestingly enough it was my adoptive mother (the one who just a   
    DG>> couple of months ago kicked my son and I out into the snow so that   
    DG>> she could get her house fixed up enough to get photos of it in   
    DG>> 'Victorian Living' hopefully [she doesn't understand that a 2   
    DG>> bedroom, one floor starter house with spraypainted doors will never   
    DG>> end up there]) who   
    NB> Delusional... or at least overly optimistic...  :)   
      
     No need for the conditional 'or' in there.  She is delusional, yes.  Her   
   mother died in a completely demented state (only crying or screaming, curling   
   up into a ball, etc), and...  Well I've written some blog posts about how I was   
   raised in a cult.  There is only maybe 30-45kb that I've written about that   
   crap sofar..  I could easily split off into a tangent about that, but I'm   
   feeling pretty focused this morning.  :)  Let me summarize by saying only that   
   at one point in my childhood, my authoritarian belt-wielding dad ended up   
   sticking her and I on a bus to her parents' place in Cali.  She'd been waking   
   up drenched in sweat, hearing Satan's voice in her head, and dreaming of   
   burning alive in the 'Lake of Fire' that was so touted by those abusive   
   jackasses.   
     She's pretty much the most negative and self-centered person that I've ever   
   met.  I feel bad for her, and really wish I wouldn't have given her back that   
   check for $4000 right before she kicked my son and I out to the curb.    
   Aaanyway, tangents once again threaten to drag me away.  Delusional, yeah, with   
   a princess complex that isn't countered by my dad's penny-pinching and   
   anger-fueled ways any more.   
     Gahhhhhh.  Sorry.  WELL HERE'S TO LEARNING BY BAD EXAMPLE *cheers*   
      
    NB> At least you know that the genetic seeds of that sort of thing won't   
    NB> have come to you from her.  I'm sorry you had to endure that, too...    
      
     Whoa, when going back through the quoting text I see that I've repeated   
   myself with all of this wonderful and interesting speak of Satan and delusions   
   and the Lake of Fire.  (Hey google, link Nancy Getsman to Satan, delusions, and   
   the Lake of Fire for me, will ya?)   
     Honestly, if somehow I would've been the same person but been the biological   
   spawn of those people I'd like to think that I would be honorable enough to   
   commit seppuku (preferably while skydiving right over their house).   
      
    NB> Hopefully that will iron itself out... I suppose the yowling when you   
    NB> aren't around could be getting on the wife's nerves... hormones can be   
    NB> silly things... and some use them more as an excuse than others do...   
      
     You would not believe the tale that I have in store for you about this   
   particular little nugget of information.  Hell, I might have to netmail you   
   some of the dox on it, as well.  That situation really went SNAFU in a way that   
   was soooo frigging avoidable.  :P  Thank god for helpful ex'es and biological   
   family, I guess?  :)   
      
    NB> Yeah.  It can be useful to look at problems long enough to acknowledge   
    NB> their existence, and to hopefully be able to see what to do about them,   
    NB> but dwelling on them only makes things worse...    
      
     I had a really big problem with that in the first 35 years of my life.  I'm   
   going to have fun trying to make a difference in the next 35.  ;)   
      
    NB> You've got more reason and motivation with him... it does make things   
    NB> seem more weighty, but that's part of the balance...   
      
     I bear that cross gladly, but when the surface beneath my feet starts   
   shifting, I am haunted by the potential downfalls that await.  At least, that's   
   how I used to look at things.  :)   
      
    NB> Can someone help you either get the battery, or get to the plasma   
    NB> bank...?  It would seem that someone should be able to see that only a   
    NB> little hand up would make all the difference... but, I do know that a   
    NB> lot of people expect others to pull themselves up by their bootstraps   
    NB> without paying any attention to the fact that the bootstraps are   
    NB> broken...    
      
     Heh.  Well, that can of worms can't be cracked open just yet; I have not the   
   time for that massive tale.  I did have to ditch my vehicle, which really   
   sucks.  Call me stupid, but I got attached to that thing.  I'd picked it up   
   right before I got my son, finally, over here where I could care for him and   
   give him a good environment.  When we had to hit the road due to my dad's   
   upcoming demise it took us 4000 miles around the US, up some backwoods hills in   
   Alabama, offroad.  Crossed the Rockies in it.  It was a $500 Blazer, ffs.  It's   
   like a good luck totem to me, I guess.  All things are transient though; such   
   is life & c'est a la vie.   
     Oh, by the way it's quite possible that I will forget the tale that MUST be   
   told about the debauchery and downfall of such a good and noble man.  In case   
   of such an event, just tell me to tell you about the lizard.   
      
    NB> Sounds like you are doing something right there, anyway..  :)  And he is   
    NB> probably also absorbing life lessons just from the unsettledness that   
    NB> you both find yourselves in...     
      
     I think he probably is.  I can't believe how well he's adapting.  I know that   
   it's causing him some duress, but he's handling it very well.  Still, I very   
   much want to be able to settle the eff-bomb down and let him care for some   
   relationships that will last for awhile.  I would've never made it past 20,   
   were it not for my loyal friends.  I would have died, in multiple events.   
      
    NB> Some children are able to assimilate things easier than others... some   
    NB> have to have the hard knocks, others are very tender and learn easily...   
    NB> and children can be very resilient, despite whatever life tosses at   
    NB> them.  Having a loving parent there to support helps a lot, no matter   
    NB> what the child is or is going through...  :)   
      
     :D  Yesterday before bed he came to me and told me that he wanted to spend   
   some time alone with just me.  :)  It definitely sucks that he is missing me   
   enough to have to ask me for time with me, but it also definitely touches my   
   heart that he values time with me that much.  That little man is going to be a   
   guy with wisdom beyond his years, I'm thinking.  Need to get him into Jedi   
   training.  Er, that was a joke, but after the last slum we lived in, it might   
   be good for us to get into Aikido as soon as possible.  Now if I could just get   
   a ride to the frigging workplace here...   
     Alright, I'm going to be a bad buddhist, and whine just a little bit about   
   the fact that I sat on the misunderstanding that caused the crap at the last   
   place...  Just so that my friend wouldn't have more marriage problems.  What   
   kind of good friend understands that kind of mistake, yet still doesn't keep   
   his wife from kicking a guy and his son causing no harm out into the tundra in   
   frigging January?  He really must've gotten steamrolled in life by the Navy,   
   and I know for certain that his first wife still has at least one of his   
   testicles in her purse.  ;)  Sorry, I couldn't resist.   
     I will now resume my pursuit of the peaceful, and conflict avoidant, buddhist   
   ways.     
      
    NB> Yeah, child support can be another catch-22 situation... having the cash   
    NB> would have been so much easier for keeping roof over head etc...   
      
     I really need to talk to those guys.  It'd be so nice if they'd pick up the   
   phone and call me back...   
      
    NB> teaching them how to grow more mature from the situations...  Nurturing   
    NB> and discipline (both teaching and consequences) are important in growing   
    NB> the child into an adult...  I've seen way too many children that didn't   
    NB> get the guidance they needed, in the false thinking that giving in to   
    NB> their every whim will make them somehow respect you for it... and what   
    NB> they grow up to be, just whiny children in adult bodies, unable to teach   
    NB> their own children anything...    
      
     You know, that really hits a resonant note.  I'd been living in section 8   
   housing for 3 years, give or take, prior to this hurricane o' feces.  So maybe   
   that has really screwed up my perception of children; no doubt the culture and   
   locale of the area need to be taken into account, too.  Either which way, there   
   are so many single parents that I've seen lately that are just unable to   
   discipline their kids.  Um, bad behavior needs to have bad consequences...  Is   
   that a tough concept?  Maybe they spiked the dose of fluoride in the water.  :P   
      
    NB> We ended up with an only child, not by plan but by that's all we got.    
    NB> But then he had my younger siblings to work off the rough edges on...   
    NB> and lots of cousins that came along later to interact with.  My husband   
    NB> is the younger of two...  Some of it is learned behavior, some is maybe   
    NB> inate, but I think some things have less to do with place in family and   
    NB> just with who you are and how you interact with others...     
      
     Back in my cult days I used to sometimes get to spend a week with a family   
   that was in the same cult in South Dakota, and they had 3 children.  Other than   
   that, all of my experiences with being a pseudo-member of a large family were   
   brief.  I can't imagine what it must be like to have that many people who will   
   actually care.  I just don't have that at all.  I'm starting to feel it out   
   with my sister and my nephew and niece and my biomom, but it's going a little   
   slow.  That's one good thing about this relocation.  I'm goin' back to my   
   roots.  ;)   
      
    NB> Breaking the downward spiral of thinking is always a useful thing...   
    NB> focusing off the problems to either something else, or perhaps to some   
    NB> solutions that may occur to one when gets re-focused is usually the key.   
      
     I've been doing absolutely wonderfully in this area.  :)  I've maintained a   
   positive focus at least 90-95% of the time.  I shifted my paradigm a little   
   while back, here, and I like where I shifted it to.   
      
    NB> One can foster independence in one's child(ren) without losing the   
    NB> relationship with the child... in fact, sometimes that can be the factor   
    NB> that keeps the relationship solid, that the child doesn't have to fight   
    NB> to get any sort of independence.  And it can be done without removing   
    NB> your support of the child as well...   
      
     This is the very tightrope that I hope to be able to navigate across.    
      
    NB> Pluses and minuses to meds...  :)   As long as the negative days are   
    NB> rare, maybe you don't really need the med...?  Just work on other ways   
    NB> to cope...?   
      
     When I first wrote the message, I would've said I needed that med.  Now,   
   after the paradigm shift...  I'm pretty sure I can handle whatever life throws   
   at me.  :)  I'm so glad that I finally found something that works for me.   
      
     Vaya con Dios.  (Woo I got a chance to practice my spanish last night _and_   
   helped a woman get herself home and out of the cold in a country where she   
   doesn't speak the language, good times!)   
      
       --Damo dice, "Perhaps today IS a good day to die!"   
   --- SBBSecho 2.24-OpenBSD   
    * Origin: TTBBS-telnet bismaninfo.hopto.org 8023 (1:14/0) (1:282/1057)