-=> Quoting Damon Getsman to Nancy Backus on 08 Jan 14  18:42:23 <=-   
      
    NB>> to hang out here, but these little support echoes are pretty much where   
    NB>> the good aspects of Fido community can still be found.  :)   
      
    DG> Heh.  Yeah, there's a couple of echoes that I've been making a go at   
    DG> for quite a few months now that I'm about ready to put aside for   
    DG> awhile.  Seems like in at least a couple of them, the moderator and a   
    DG> few key individuals that always seem to be in about 180-degree   
    DG> opposition sit and hurl artillery shells at each other to the tune of   
    DG> dozens of kilobytes of text, but never come to any sort of agreement   
    DG> and certainly not a ceasefire.  Most of my attempts to get into those   
    DG> discussions have been met by people testifying against each other   
    DG> regarding whoever's posting that I may've responded to.     
      
   Those sound like the type of echos I've always avoided... ;)  COOKING   
   and MEMORIES, where I do hang out, are much more inviting places... :)   
      
    DG> Whatever, I guess, doesn't really work for keeping me amused but if   
    DG> it gives them a happy and full life, so be it.   
       
   One does wonder at times...  ;)     
      
    DG> Interestingly enough it was my adoptive mother (the one who just a   
    DG> couple of months ago kicked my son and I out into the snow so that she   
    DG> could get her house fixed up enough to get photos of it in 'Victorian   
    DG> Living' hopefully [she doesn't understand that a 2 bedroom, one floor   
    DG> starter house with spraypainted doors will never end up there]) who   
      
   Delusional... or at least overly optimistic...  :)   
      
    DG> first pointed me at William Peltzer's book, _A Child Called It_.  She's   
      
   I've read that... horrific tale...   
      
    DG> one that I got a few forms of serious abuse from, when she wasn't   
    DG> having paranoid schizophrenic delusions about Satan commenting on how   
    DG> she was burning in the 'Lake of Fire'.  Let me just sum up all of that   
    DG> by saying "I'm glad I was adopted; that genetic line needed to stop   
    DG> there."    
      
   At least you know that the genetic seeds of that sort of thing won't   
   have come to you from her.  I'm sorry you had to endure that, too...    
      
    DG> The cat actually seems to be doing pretty good lately, at this   
    DG> interim place that we're at.  However, it appears that our stay here is   
    DG> coming to an untimely end, with me still no closer to having my   
    DG> transportation working, nor any other place to stay, nor a job (thanks   
    DG> to the no transportation and seriously sub-zero temperatures).  Pretty   
    DG> sure I'm going to end up in an overnight shelter with my son, after   
    DG> this, and if the pregnant wife of my friend, whose hormones are (he   
    DG> says) allegedly to blame for my eviction from here, that my cat will   
    DG> end up kicked out, too.  That's almost worse in a way than having to   
    DG> put him to sleep.  All that my cat does when I'm not around and he's   
    DG> in an unfamiliar place is hide and yowl when other people or animals   
    DG> bother him.  He's a completely fulfilled and happy cat when I'm around,   
      
   Hopefully that will iron itself out... I suppose the yowling when you   
   aren't around could be getting on the wife's nerves... hormones can be   
   silly things... and some use them more as an excuse than others do...   
      
    DG> though.  Gah.  I gotta stop focusing on the problems and start focusing   
    DG> a little more on the solutions.  When I look at the problems too long,   
    DG> my outlook goes negative, and then I start attracting negative.  The   
    DG> last thing that I need is any more of that right now.   
      
   Yeah.  It can be useful to look at problems long enough to acknowledge   
   their existence, and to hopefully be able to see what to do about them,   
   but dwelling on them only makes things worse...    
       
    DG> That is absolutely right.  When I'm struggling with the amount of   
    DG> bogus crap in my life, the one thing I can always rely on to put a   
    DG> smile on my face, or at least a warmth back into my thoughts, is my   
    DG> son.  Not having to worry about his abuse or neglect where I can't do   
    DG> anything to help him is one unrelenting positive in my life.  When I   
    DG> really don't know where I'm going to get my next meal, then it weighs   
    DG> me down a little bit more; I could stand homelessness when I was on my   
    DG> own much easier than I can when I've got a son to provide and care for.   
      
   You've got more reason and motivation with him... it does make things   
   seem more weighty, but that's part of the balance...   
      
    DG> God if only I could get that vehicle working.  Everything is fixed   
    DG> now, it just needs a higher amperage battery.  However, without   
    DG> transportation in this weather, I can't even get to the plasma bank to   
    DG> donate plasma to raise a hundred bucks for that battery.  Everything   
    DG> right now that I need to jumpstart myself is in a catch-22 situation   
    DG> like that, as far as I can tell.    
      
   Can someone help you either get the battery, or get to the plasma   
   bank...?  It would seem that someone should be able to see that only a   
   little hand up would make all the difference... but, I do know that a   
   lot of people expect others to pull themselves up by their bootstraps   
   without paying any attention to the fact that the bootstraps are   
   broken...    
      
    DG> That's precisely why I talk my son all the way through pretty much   
    DG> everything that I'm advising him on, any reason he's having priviledges   
    DG> taken away for, or anything else that reminds me of experience in my   
    DG> life (or experience that I would've been better off getting or knowing   
    DG> about).  I always tell him how not learning these things, or how not   
    DG> having a proper example, or whatever from my messed up childhood,   
    DG> affected me and how much longer I kept paying and suffering for lack of   
    DG> it.  Everybody that talks to him, his teachers, everyone, always   
    DG> comments about his vocabulary and his mature perspectives into things,   
    DG> and how good his decision making is when he doesn't have any   
    DG> supervision.  I hope that means that I'm doing these things right.    
      
   Sounds like you are doing something right there, anyway..  :)  And he is   
   probably also absorbing life lessons just from the unsettledness that   
   you both find yourselves in...     
      
    DG> He's obviously soaking things up and applying them at a much faster   
    DG> rate than a lot of his peers; I just hope they stick with him, despite   
    DG> the fact that, unlike me, he hasn't been burned and learned the hard   
    DG> way from most of these things.    
      
   Some children are able to assimilate things easier than others... some   
   have to have the hard knocks, others are very tender and learn easily...   
   and children can be very resilient, despite whatever life tosses at   
   them.  Having a loving parent there to support helps a lot, no matter   
   what the child is or is going through...  :)   
      
    DG> I'm just very, very glad that I was able to get custody without any   
    DG> sort of a serious fight.  Now if I'd just start getting the child   
    DG> support that I've been owed like forever now...  well I wouldn't be   
    DG> in this situation today now, would I?   
      
   Yeah, child support can be another catch-22 situation... having the cash   
   would have been so much easier for keeping roof over head etc...   
       
    NB>> As long as you don't coddle, but do support, he should be able to learn   
    NB>> it just fine... You can sympathize with his feelings, but then explain   
    NB>> that they didn't mean it personally... it's just more a game with   
    NB>> them... and that it's ok to respond in kind, but not in a mean way...    
      
    DG> Heh.  I try to do that, but I know that at some times I end up   
    DG> sliding to the extreme of coddling now and then.  It's difficult, and   
    DG> every time that I realize I'm doing it, readjusting to a newer,   
    DG> healthier standard, always feels like I've become a terrible and   
    DG> uncaring person.  I do try to evaluate myself on a regular basis for   
    DG> when things like that have to be done, though.    
      
   A certain amount of what probably is coddling, isn't a problem... it's   
   when you always give in to what the child wants, and "protect" them from   
   the consequences of their actions, that you end up spoiling them and not   
   teaching them how to grow more mature from the situations...  Nurturing   
   and discipline (both teaching and consequences) are important in growing   
   the child into an adult...  I've seen way too many children that didn't   
   get the guidance they needed, in the false thinking that giving in to   
   their every whim will make them somehow respect you for it... and what   
   they grow up to be, just whiny children in adult bodies, unable to teach   
   their own children anything...    
      
    NB>> I don't recall quite that dynamic growing up as a child, but then I was   
    NB>> the oldest of 8, the first five showing up by the time I was 7... We'd   
    NB>> have our arguments, but in most cases, it only made us grow closer...   
    NB>> and of course, since I was the oldest, I was usually being held   
    NB>> accountable for whatever squabbling was happening, so I tended to try   
    NB>> to keep that sort of stuff to a minimum wherever possible...  ;)   
      
    DG> Yeah, I've got the only child thing going on here (for myself, as   
    DG> well as my son).  I'm really good at noticing only child   
    DG> characteristics, and I'm starting to be good at recognizing the 'last   
    DG> of the litter' characteristics, too, but that doesn't really lead me to   
    DG> always identifying the behavior in myself in such a way that would   
    DG> improve things in my own life early enough...  I need to focus on that   
    DG> more.     
      
   We ended up with an only child, not by plan but by that's all we got.    
   But then he had my younger siblings to work off the rough edges on...   
   and lots of cousins that came along later to interact with.  My husband   
   is the younger of two...  Some of it is learned behavior, some is maybe   
   inate, but I think some things have less to do with place in family and   
   just with who you are and how you interact with others...     
      
    DG> Hell, today I think the first thing that I really need to do is   
    DG> meditate, today.  I don't know what it is, but after I took a short   
    DG> nap this morning I've been struggling really hard with slipping off of   
    DG> the continental shelf off the coast of an optimistic attitude.    
    DG> Everything that I think about in my particular situation is leading me   
    DG> into a spiral of hopelessness, resentment, and anger.  Even 180 seconds   
    DG> of good meditation will lead me out of that, but it's always just   
    DG> getting the timer set that's the hardest part of that for me...  Then I   
    DG> always notice afterwards that my day is going 100x better...  If I miss   
    DG> it for a single day it's become picking up the Empire State Building   
    DG> with one hand again, though.  :P    
      
   Breaking the downward spiral of thinking is always a useful thing...   
   focusing off the problems to either something else, or perhaps to some   
   solutions that may occur to one when gets re-focused is usually the key.   
      
    DG> I very much hope so.  Seeing lots of other families and fathers with   
    DG> their sons I realize how very special and unique the relationship that   
    DG> I have with him is.  Every time he takes a new step on his own, I fear   
    DG> that it's one away from me that won't necessarily come back in this   
    DG> direction.  I think that's primarily because of how I reacted having to   
    DG> leave my own parents in order to gain my own freedom, though; it's not   
    DG> necessarily what will happen in a healthier dynamic.   
      
   One can foster independence in one's child(ren) without losing the   
   relationship with the child... in fact, sometimes that can be the factor   
   that keeps the relationship solid, that the child doesn't have to fight   
   to get any sort of independence.  And it can be done without removing   
   your support of the child as well...   
      
    DG> If my doctor would just put me back on my regular prescribed amount   
    DG> of ativan again I'd be able to deal with these rare negative days a   
    DG> lot better.  :P    
      
   Pluses and minuses to meds...  :)   As long as the negative days are   
   rare, maybe you don't really need the med...?  Just work on other ways   
   to cope...?   
      
    DG> I thank you very much for the kind words, either way.  I'm already   
    DG> noticing a more positive shift in my outlook.  :)   
      
   I'm glad to be of some help..  :)   
      
   ttyl           neb   
      
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