Re: Re: Male Single Parenting - Views by Peers and Agencies   
     By: Nancy Backus to Damon Getsman on Fri Jan 03 2014 18:42:55   
      
    NB> Then you've come to a good place for that... maybe not as many as used   
    NB> to hang out here, but these little support echoes are pretty much where   
    NB> the good aspects of Fido community can still be found.  :)   
      
     Heh.  Yeah, there's a couple of echoes that I've been making a go at for   
   quite a few months now that I'm about ready to put aside for awhile.  Seems   
   like in at least a couple of them, the moderator and a few key individuals that   
   always seem to be in about 180-degree opposition sit and hurl artillery shells   
   at each other to the tune of dozens of kilobytes of text, but never come to any   
   sort of agreement and certainly not a ceasefire.  Most of my attempts to get   
   into those discussions have been met by people testifying against each other   
   regarding whoever's posting that I may've responded to.  Whatever, I guess,   
   doesn't really work for keeping me amused but if it gives them a happy and full   
   life, so be it.   
      
    NB> That's very tough... family is supposed to be there for you... but   
    NB> sometimes they can be as cruel or more than the rest of the world...   
      
     Interestingly enough it was my adoptive mother (the one who just a couple of   
   months ago kicked my son and I out into the snow so that she could get her   
   house fixed up enough to get photos of it in 'Victorian Living' hopefully [she   
   doesn't understand that a 2 bedroom, one floor starter house with spraypainted   
   doors will never end up there]) who first pointed me at William Peltzer's book,   
   _A Child Called It_.  She's one that I got a few forms of serious abuse from,   
   when she wasn't having paranoid schizophrenic delusions about Satan commenting   
   on how she was burning in the 'Lake of Fire'.  Let me just sum up all of that   
   by saying "I'm glad I was adopted; that genetic line needed to stop there."   
      
    NB> That's hard, too.  I suspect that your son will help you with your   
    NB> grieving over the loss, though, as much as you'll be there for him.    
    NB> Maybe the cat will still be around for longer than you think, too...   
    NB> sometimes they can be pretty tough...   
      
     The cat actually seems to be doing pretty good lately, at this interim place   
   that we're at.  However, it appears that our stay here is coming to an untimely   
   end, with me still no closer to having my transportation working, nor any other   
   place to stay, nor a job (thanks to the no transportation and seriously   
   sub-zero temperatures).  Pretty sure I'm going to end up in an overnight   
   shelter with my son, after this, and if the pregnant wife of my friend, whose   
   hormones are (he says) allegedly to blame for my eviction from here, that my   
   cat will end up kicked out, too.  That's almost worse in a way than having to   
   put him to sleep.  All that my cat does when I'm not around and he's in an   
   unfamiliar place is hide and yowl when other people or animals bother him.    
   He's a completely fulfilled and happy cat when I'm around, though.  Gah.  I   
   gotta stop focusing on the problems and start focusing a little more on the   
   solutions.  When I look at the problems too long, my outlook goes negative, and   
   then I start attracting negative.  The last thing that I need is any more of   
   that right now.   
      
    NB> Fortunately, you've been able to get past that point, and have him with   
    NB> you now.. one less thing to go crazy over...    
      
     That is absolutely right.  When I'm struggling with the amount of bogus crap   
   in my life, the one thing I can always rely on to put a smile on my face, or at   
   least a warmth back into my thoughts, is my son.  Not having to worry about his   
   abuse or neglect where I can't do anything to help him is one unrelenting   
   positive in my life.  When I really don't know where I'm going to get my next   
   meal, then it weighs me down a little bit more; I could stand homelessness when   
   I was on my own much easier than I can when I've got a son to provide and care   
   for.  God if only I could get that vehicle working.  Everything is fixed now,   
   it just needs a higher amperage battery.  However, without transportation in   
   this weather, I can't even get to the plasma bank to donate plasma to raise a   
   hundred bucks for that battery.  Everything right now that I need to jumpstart   
   myself is in a catch-22 situation like that, as far as I can tell.   
      
    DG>> Yeah, it was a really tough way to begin to learn much more about   
    DG>> the art of judging people for the right qualities, and to pay much,   
    DG>> much less attention to superficial qualities.   
    NB> A hard lesson... but a very important one... and maybe your son will   
    NB> learn it from your experience and be better prepared when his time   
    NB> comes...    
      
     That's precisely why I talk my son all the way through pretty much everything   
   that I'm advising him on, any reason he's having priviledges taken away for, or   
   anything else that reminds me of experience in my life (or experience that I   
   would've been better off getting or knowing about).  I always tell him how not   
   learning these things, or how not having a proper example, or whatever from my   
   messed up childhood, affected me and how much longer I kept paying and   
   suffering for lack of it.  Everybody that talks to him, his teachers, everyone,   
   always comments about his vocabulary and his mature perspectives into things,   
   and how good his decision making is when he doesn't have any supervision.  I   
   hope that means that I'm doing these things right.  He's obviously soaking   
   things up and applying them at a much faster rate than a lot of his peers; I   
   just hope they stick with him, despite the fact that, unlike me, he hasn't been   
   burned and learned the hard way from most of these things.   
      
    NB> People get stereotypes in their heads, and then can't see past them to   
    NB> the real situations... I think it's starting to be better understood and   
    NB> to be better addressed than it once was, but you are correct that   
    NB> there's still a long way to go... I had a friend once that was in a   
    NB> similar situation, abused by his wife (who had known mental issues), and   
    NB> yet she was able to retain custody of their daughter, after she kicked   
    NB> him out... the courts believed her lies over his true statements...  On   
    NB> the other hand, I have a friend now that was able to keep custody of the   
    NB> children (a boy and a girl, iirc) in a similar situation...   
      
     I've seen a _LOT_ of that, especially (with a few exceptions, always in the   
   minority, at least in the cases I've seen) in law enforcement and the judicial   
   system, unfortunately.  I'm just very, very glad that I was able to get custody   
   without any sort of a serious fight.  Now if I'd just start getting the child   
   support that I've been owed like forever now...  well I wouldn't be in this   
   situation today now, would I?   
      
    NB> As long as you don't coddle, but do support, he should be able to learn   
    NB> it just fine... You can sympathize with his feelings, but then explain   
    NB> that they didn't mean it personally... it's just more a game with   
    NB> them... and that it's ok to respond in kind, but not in a mean way...    
      
     Heh.  I try to do that, but I know that at some times I end up sliding to the   
   extreme of coddling now and then.  It's difficult, and every time that I   
   realize I'm doing it, readjusting to a newer, healthier standard, always feels   
   like I've become a terrible and uncaring person.  I do try to evaluate myself   
   on a regular basis for when things like that have to be done, though.   
      
    NB> I don't recall quite that dynamic growing up as a child, but then I was   
    NB> the oldest of 8, the first five showing up by the time I was 7... We'd   
    NB> have our arguments, but in most cases, it only made us grow closer...   
    NB> and of course, since I was the oldest, I was usually being held   
    NB> accountable for whatever squabbling was happening, so I tended to try to   
    NB> keep that sort of stuff to a minimum wherever possible...  ;)   
      
     Yeah, I've got the only child thing going on here (for myself, as well as my   
   son).  I'm really good at noticing only child characteristics, and I'm starting   
   to be good at recognizing the 'last of the litter' characteristics, too, but   
   that doesn't really lead me to always identifying the behavior in myself in   
   such a way that would improve things in my own life early enough...  I need to   
   focus on that more.  Hell, today I think the first thing that I really need to   
   do is meditate, today.  I don't know what it is, but after I took a short nap   
   this morning I've been struggling really hard with slipping off of the   
   continental shelf off the coast of an optimistic attitude.  Everything that I   
   think about in my particular situation is leading me into a spiral of   
   hopelessness, resentment, and anger.  Even 180 seconds of good meditation will   
   lead me out of that, but it's always just getting the timer set that's the   
   hardest part of that for me...  Then I always notice afterwards that my day is   
   going 100x better...  If I miss it for a single day it's become picking up the   
   Empire State Building with one hand again, though.  :P   
      
    NB> I'm sure you both will be learning from each other as he grows up... and   
    NB> I expect that you'll have a special relationship even after he's grown   
    NB> and on his own.  :)   
      
     I very much hope so.  Seeing lots of other families and fathers with their   
   sons I realize how very special and unique the relationship that I have with   
   him is.  Every time he takes a new step on his own, I fear that it's one away   
   from me that won't necessarily come back in this direction.  I think that's   
   primarily because of how I reacted having to leave my own parents in order to   
   gain my own freedom, though; it's not necessarily what will happen in a   
   healthier dynamic.   
     If my doctor would just put me back on my regular prescribed amount of ativan   
   again I'd be able to deal with these rare negative days a lot better.  :P   
      
     I thank you very much for the kind words, either way.  I'm already noticing a   
   more positive shift in my outlook.  :)   
      
       --Damo dice, "Perhaps today IS a good day to die!"   
   --- SBBSecho 2.24-OpenBSD   
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