-=> Quoting Damon Getsman to Nancy Backus on 31 Dec 13  01:27:57 <=-   
      
    DG> Any feedback in this area whatsoever is totally appreciated.  I've   
    DG> got a couple of friends that are single parents, or parents in general,   
    DG> but not more than a handful.  I've got a pretty sparse handful of   
    DG> friends altogether, actually, and that constraint makes it even   
    DG> smaller.  I've got precisely one friend who I think is a 'good' parent,   
    DG> on top of it.  So any feedback, advice, or ideas, even moral support   
    DG> that I can get from another has a significant weight for me.     
      
   Then you've come to a good place for that... maybe not as many as used   
   to hang out here, but these little support echoes are pretty much where   
   the good aspects of Fido community can still be found.  :)   
      
    DG> It's been a hell of a struggle, and sometimes I really wonder how I am   
    DG> able to keep one foot going in front of another, especially when we're   
    DG> homeless and rejected by the only local family that we have right now.   
      
   That's very tough... family is supposed to be there for you... but   
   sometimes they can be as cruel or more than the rest of the world...   
      
    DG> even our cat, the one that protected us from danger by being our early   
    DG> alert system when we had to camp offroad in the hills of Missouri for   
    DG> lack of money for a motel, is in need of medical treatment that we   
    DG> can't afford, and it may well be cancer, which will mean losing yet   
    DG> another constant in his life at such an early age.   
      
   That's hard, too.  I suspect that your son will help you with your   
   grieving over the loss, though, as much as you'll be there for him.    
   Maybe the cat will still be around for longer than you think, too...   
   sometimes they can be pretty tough...   
      
    NB>>  and, I'm sure, quite the wild ride for you...   
    NB>> and I don't mean that to be at all derogatory...    
      
    DG> It has been.  I'm pretty sure it's driven me past the boundary of   
    DG> where sane meets batshit loony a few times, when I didn't know how he   
    DG> was doing in the hands of an irresponsible and crazed mother a whole   
    DG> ocean away.    
      
   Fortunately, you've been able to get past that point, and have him with   
   you now.. one less thing to go crazy over...    
      
    NB>> There are some definitely scary parts to this as well.. She certainly   
    NB>> doesn't seem like a particularly wonderful person, or much of a   
    NB>> mother...    
      
    DG> Yeah, it was a really tough way to begin to learn much more about   
    DG> the art of judging people for the right qualities, and to pay much,   
    DG> much less attention to superficial qualities.   
       
   A hard lesson... but a very important one... and maybe your son will   
   learn it from your experience and be better prepared when his time   
   comes...    
      
    DG> this particular niche in, at least American, society is   
    DG> horrifically unaddressed, along with other gender skewed venues   
    DG> such as male victims of domestic abuse, and the like.    
      
   People get stereotypes in their heads, and then can't see past them to   
   the real situations... I think it's starting to be better understood and   
   to be better addressed than it once was, but you are correct that   
   there's still a long way to go... I had a friend once that was in a   
   similar situation, abused by his wife (who had known mental issues), and   
   yet she was able to retain custody of their daughter, after she kicked   
   him out... the courts believed her lies over his true statements...  On   
   the other hand, I have a friend now that was able to keep custody of the   
   children (a boy and a girl, iirc) in a similar situation...   
      
    DG> For sure.  I just had an incident tonight...  The people that're   
    DG> giving us a place to stay right now have 6 other kids.  I'm an only   
    DG> child, and my son, at least beyond the age of 18 months, has been an   
    DG> only child.  I have always done a lot better, socially, in a very small   
    DG> group, or much more preferable, a one-on-one setting.  He's the same   
    DG> way.  In this big group the 'Lord of the Flies' mentality takes over,   
    DG> as it does with all kids, and there is a revolving target that lands on   
    DG> each of them periodically where the kids make fun of each other.  When   
    DG> it lands on him, and someone makes fun of him for something, he takes   
    DG> it much more personally than the others.  I'm overprotective of that.    
    DG> It took my good friend pointing out to me tonight that I couldn't see   
    DG> it because I'd been raised as an only kid (as he had, as well), but   
    DG> that type of experience is what hardens somebody to be able to bounce   
    DG> back in larger group social situations.  I've always been at a loss in   
    DG> life because of not knowing what to do in those situations, and taking   
    DG> things so deeply and personally; I hope that he's not too old to learn   
    DG> how to have it make him stronger.    
      
   As long as you don't coddle, but do support, he should be able to learn   
   it just fine... You can sympathize with his feelings, but then explain   
   that they didn't mean it personally... it's just more a game with   
   them... and that it's ok to respond in kind, but not in a mean way...    
      
   I don't recall quite that dynamic growing up as a child, but then I was   
   the oldest of 8, the first five showing up by the time I was 7... We'd   
   have our arguments, but in most cases, it only made us grow closer...   
   and of course, since I was the oldest, I was usually being held   
   accountable for whatever squabbling was happening, so I tended to try to   
   keep that sort of stuff to a minimum wherever possible...  ;)   
      
    NB>> I think you are doing a wonderful job, from what you've said... I give   
    NB>> you lots of credit for taking the responsibility for your son, and for   
    NB>> fighting for him and for his well-being.  He's got a lot going for him   
    NB>> with you as his dad.  :)    
      
    DG> I have my faults, but he's saved my life, so I'm definitely focused   
    DG> on trying to make his as good as it can be, with whatever conditions   
    DG> the future world might hold.  Thank you.  :)   
      
   I'm sure you both will be learning from each other as he grows up... and   
   I expect that you'll have a special relationship even after he's grown   
   and on his own.  :)   
      
    DG> I do believe there was another unread message in this echo after the   
    DG> one that I'm now replying to, so hopefully there are more.  :)   
      
   I'm a little surprised there weren't a few more jumping in by now, but   
   it is the holidays so maybe that had something to do with it... and I   
   really don't know who all might be just lurking, like I've been...  :)   
      
   ttyl       neb   
      
   ... If laughter is the best medicine, let's take a double dose.   
   --- Blue Wave/DOS v2.20   
    * Origin: The Holodeck BBS  holo.homeip.net (1:261/1381)