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   MSGID: 1989.coffeekl@1:218/700 2322b10c   
   PID: Synchronet 3.18a-Win32  Apr  9 2020 MSC    
   TID: SBBSecho 3.10-Win32 r3.159 Apr  9 2020 MSC 1925   
   CHRS: ASCII 1   
   The Holiness of Coffee, Part I   
      
      
   The Coffee Theory of Civilization is simple and indisputable: Coffee  caused    
   European civilization.   
      
   Compare Scandinavia B.C.:   
      
   Crude Viking raiders   
   Subsistence farmers   
   Bestiality   
      
   with Scandinavia A.D. :   
      
   Nobel Peace Prize   
   Euthanasia   
   Socialism   
   Danish modern furniture.    
      
   Historical evidence suggests that the beginning of the Baroque period in art    
   closely with the infusion of coffee into the indigenous European cultures.   
      
   Coffee was first introduced in Southern Italy and soon spread northward,  in    
   the same sequence as baroqueness. The advent of the Roccoco period coincides    
   with the advent of expresso methods. However, even Coffee has proven a mixed    
   blessing, as the genesis  of the insurance racket  can be traced to  Lloyd's    
   coffee  house  in  London,  where habities  wagered on  the safe  arrival of    
   seagoing trading vessels.   
      
   Selflessly braving  untold  hazards,  the  authors  have  collected  several    
   primitive chants  from the  secret javacrucian  sect, which  are recited  by    
   cultists while grinding beans, during the transsubstantion of water into   
   starter fluid, and  while  actually  imbibing.  The  most  widely  practiced    
   javacrucian rite is as follows:   
      
      
   Facing Rising Sun (where applicable; otherwise generic East or any source of    
   light will do),  and holding the  mug of Brewe,  celebrant takes first  sip,    
   elevates mug, and intones, "Gods, I needed that!" and means it.   
      
      
   Other rare and previously unrecorded chants are offered below:   
      
   A Grinding Invocation:   
       We all worship the Black Bean   
       Body of God, Caffeine   
       Where there is Life There is Coffee!   
       Where there is Coffee there is Life!   
       (repeat as needed)   
      
   Hayduke's Transubstantiation chant:   
       Chemicals! Chemicals!   
       Chemicals! Chemicals!, etc.   
      
   Jamaican Blue Coffee Chant:   
        Ja-va! Ja-va! Ja-va!!   
      
   North America, circa 1940:   
       I like Coffee, I like Tea,   
       I like the Java-Jive and it likes me!   
      
   The little-known Creation myth of the Javacrucians was channeled one Beltane    
   Morning by Brother Buffalo, and promptly  forgotten by all, who had not  yet    
   imbined  the  Sacred Substance.   Careful anthropological  research suggests    
   that it had something to do with the great God fillintheblank being deterred    
   from utter destruction of  mankind in a fit  of disgust with the  lesser god    
   Java.   
      
      
   ... Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.   
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