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   MSGID: 1890.coffeekl@1:218/700 20dfe138   
   PID: Synchronet 3.17c-Win32  Mar  1 2019 MSC 1800   
   TID: SBBSecho 3.06-Win32 r3.105 Mar  1 2019 MSC 1800   
   (one of the login screens from my old dial-up BBS...)   
      
   The Holiness of Coffee, part I   
      
   The Coffee Theory of Civilization is simple and indisputable: Coffee   
   caused European civilization. Compare Scandinavian B.C. : crude Viking   
   raiders, subsistence farmers, bestiality; with Scandinavia A.D. Nobel Peace   
   Prize, euthanasia, Socialism and Danish modern furniture.    
      
   Historical evidence suggests that the beginning of the Baroque period in art   
   closely with the infusion of coffee into the indigenous European cultures.   
      
   Coffee was first introduced in Southern Italy and soon spread northward, in the   
   same sequence as baroqueness. The advent of the Roccoco period   
   coincides with the advent of expresso methods. However, even Coffee has   
   proven a mixed blessing, as the genesis of the insurance racket can be   
   traced to Lloyd's coffee house in London, where habities wagered on the   
   safe arrival of seagoing trading vessels.   
      
   Selflessly braving untold hazards, the authors have collected several   
   primitive chants from the secret javacrucian sect, which are recited by   
   cultists while grinding beans, during the transsubstantion of water into   
   starter fluid, and while actually imbibing. The most widely practiced   
   javacrucian rite is as follows:   
      
      
   Facing Rising Sun (where applicable; otherwise generic East or any   
   source of light will do), and holding the mug of Brewe, celebrant   takes   
   first sip, elevates mug, and intones, "Gods, I needed that!" and means   
   it.   
      
   Other rare and previously unrecorded chants are offered below:   
      
   A Grinding Invocation:   
       We all worship the Black Bean   
       Body of God, Caffeine   
       Where there is Life There is Coffee!   
       Where there is Coffee there is Life!   
       (repeat as needed)   
      
   Hayduke's Transubstantiation chant:   
       Chemicals! Chemicals!   
       Chemicals! Chemicals!, etc.   
      
   Jamaican Blue Coffee Chant:   
        Ja-va! Ja-va! Ja-va!!   
      
   North America, circa 1940:   
       I like Coffee, I like Tea,   
       I like the Java-Jive and it likes me!   
      
       The little-known Creation myth of the Javacrucians was channeled one   
   Beltane Morning by Brother Buffalo, and promptly forgotten by all, who had not   
   yet imbined the Sacred Substance. Careful anthropological research suggests   
   that it had something to do with the great God fillintheblank being deterred   
   from utter destruction of mankind in a fit of disgust with the lesser god Java.   
      
   The Holiness of Coffee, Part II   
      
   Formulation of the Holy Brew is widely varied, although genrally members of   
   differing sects have no problem practicing even the most arcane rites   
   together and harmoniously, as long as there's enough. Sects of the   
   Javacrucian tradition vary mainly around addatives to the Basic Brew. The   
   authors were able to identify and observe the following sub-sects:   
      
       The Path of Sweetness and Light   
       The Great Why Botherhood   
       The Path of Delectable Darkness   
       The Milky Way   
      
   Obscure ritual tools have been excavated from settlements of puppies, who   
   are suspected of being the largest suborder of kitchen Javacrucians. These   
   artifacts include bean roasting pans, eleborate electronic devices with bells,   
   whistles, lights, and radios, and offering trays and votive vessels.    
      
   Heretic groups have naturally risen from such a widespread order, such as   
   the path of the quick fix and the New Reformed Order of the Unleaded.   
   Primitive societies often have the proto-Javacrucians. These include Cowboy   
   Coffee, Denneys, and Norwegian Fam-Trads.   
      
   Javacrucian Brahmans have strict cult requirements not easily met by the   
   less devoted. These include keeping the Holy Beans in the freezer and   
   grinding in the Prayer Wheel only seconds before expresing the Sacred   
   Essence. Mystery cults also insist on arcane brewing methods known only to   
   their members. Which is what makes them a Mystery, See?   
      
   Associated Cults include Teaosophists, Rastacolians, Mateyanists, and the   
   more distantly related Chocolics. This formerly obscure variety of the   
   cocoa bean has experienced a monumental growth in membership in the last   
   half of the 20th century, when Chocolate suddenly became widely available.   
      
   We have unearthed some obscure references to a fusion practice wherein   
   chocolate covered expresso beans are eaten whole in order to induce an   
   altered state of consciousness. Chocolate is, of course, recognized in all   
   Caffeine Cults as the Fifth Element.   
      
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