õHOW TO START A FIGHT   
       
            One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as   
   a Christmas gift....   
       
             The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.   
       
             When she asked  me why, I replied,   
       
             "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"   
       
             And that's how the fight started.....   
       
            ________________________________   
       
       
             My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while   
   we were in bed.   
       
             I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'   
   (But we din't have cake yet)   
       
             'No,' she answered. I then said,   
       
             'Is that your final answer?'   
       
             She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'   
       
             So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."   
       
             And that's when the fight started...   
       
            ________________________________   
       
       
       
       
             My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her school   
   reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his   
   drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.   
       
             I asked her, "Do you know  him?"   
       
             "Yes", she sighed,   
       
             "He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking   
   right after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he   
   hasn't been sober since."   
       
             "My  G od!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on   
   celebrating that long?"   
       
             And then the fight  started...   
       
            ________________________________   
       
       
             When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting   
   to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had   
   something else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat,   
   making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she   
   thought of  a clever way to make her point.   
       
             When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall   
   grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing   
   scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into   
   the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I  came out again   
   I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the   
   grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."   
       
             The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a  limp.   
       
            ______________________________   
       
       
             My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.   
       
             She asked, "What's on TV?"   
       
             I said, "Dust."   
       
             And then the fight started....   
       
            ________________________________   
       
       
             Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my   
   lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the   
   boat up to the  van and proceeded to back out into a torrential   
   downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the   
   garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather   
   would  be bad all day.   
       
             I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back   
   into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different   
   anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is   
   terrible."   
       
             My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my   
   stupid husband is out fishing in that?"   
       
             And that's how the fight started....   
       
            _______________________________   
       
       
             My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming   
   anniversary.   
       
             She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in   
   about 3 seconds."   
       
             I bought her a bathroom scale.   
       
             And then the fight started......   
       
            ______________________________   
       
       
             After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to   
   apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for   
   my driver's License to verify my age.   
       
             I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at   
   home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go   
   home and come back later.   
       
             The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt   
   revealing my curly silver hair.   
       
             She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough   
   for me' and she processed my Social Security application.   
       
             When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my   
   experience at the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have   
   dropped   
   your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'   
       
             And then the fight started...   
       
            ________________________________   
       
       
             My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.   
   She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,   
       
             "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need   
   you to pay me a compliment.'   
       
        I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."   
       
             And then the fight started...   
       
            ________________________________   
       
       
   I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The   
   driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!   
       
   He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which   
   one ARE you then?'   
       
   That's how the fight started.   
       
       
   Regards,   
       
   Roger   
   P.S. Many thanks to Joe Bruchis for sending this to me after my recent battle   
   with AT&T, which, believe it or not,still rages on.   
      
   --- Klaatu barada Nickto   
    * Origin: NCS BBS - Houma, LoUiSiAna (1:3828/7)