With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the   
   air?" He told me to run off a cliff.   
       
   ***************   
   I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.   
       
   *****************   
   My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an   
   egg.   
       
   ****************   
   It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't   
   drink from my glass!   
       
   ***************   
   Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.   
   The only trouble was, she was coming home.   
       
   ****************   
   A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over.   
   Nobody was home!   
       
   ***************   
   A hooker once told me she had a headache.   
       
   ***************   
   If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.   
       
   ***************   
   I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going   
   to hate yourself in the morning?   
   She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'   
       
   **************   
   I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.   
       
   **************   
   My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the   
   roaches hang themselves.   
       
   **************   
   I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.   
       
   **************   
   The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He   
   said, 'Because you came home early.'   
       
   **************   
   My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.   
       
   ****************   
   I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the F   
   uit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.   
       
   ***************   
   My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.   
       
   **************   
   My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.   
       
   ****************   
   My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had   
   anything to play with.   
       
   ***************   
   It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button   
   fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go   
   to the bathroom.   
       
   ****************   
   I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me   
   up.   
       
   ****************   
   I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.   
       
   *****************   
   I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that   
   she only liked me as a friend.   
       
   ****************   
   I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his   
   wallet.   
       
   ****************   
   When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father,   
   "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."   
       
   ***************   
   I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.   
       
   **************   
   I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to   
   my father. He said he wanted more proof.   
       
   ***************   
   Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my   
   parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't   
   know kid. There's so many places they can hide."   
       
   ****************   
   My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.   
       
   ****************   
   I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd   
   get.   
       
   ****************   
   I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and when I look   
   in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said:   
   "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."   
       
   ****************   
   I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My   
   doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.   
       
   *****************   
   Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid.   
   His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times -   
   three of those times I was reading it.   
       
   *****************   
   One year they wanted to make me a poster boy - for birth control.   
       
   *****************   
   My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the   
   electric chair.   
       
   ****************   
       
    THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD   
       
       
   Regards,   
       
   Roger   
      
   --- D'Bridge 3.99   
    * Origin: NCS BBS - Houma, LoUiSiAna (1:3828/7)