Okay, I guess it's time to let the cat out of the bag....   
      
       *I* bought Commodore International, Ltd.!!!!   
      
        I thought about buying a bottle of "Pepsi Free" yesterday, but   
   instead, I decided to put that dollar bill to better use. So, in a fit   
   of impulsive frenzy, I flew down to the Bahamas and purchased   
   Commodore International for ONE DOLLAR, thereby saving the Amiga   
   computer platform from an uncertain, oblivious future! As a side   
   benefit, I have spared the current Amiga-using community of the endless   
   torture of constant rumor-mongering!   
      
     As the new owner of Commodore, I, Robert Owens, hearby pledge to:   
      
   - Hire Howard Stern, Roseanne Arnold, and Barney the Purple Dinosaur as   
     spokespersons for the company!   
      
   - Give the Amiga a new name: "Rowdy Rob's Box o' Fun!"   
      
   - Slap all Macintosh and PC users I come into direct contact with!   
      
   - Encourage all Amiga owners to get green mohawk hairdos!   
      
   - Re-introduce the Vic-20 computer to the power-starved masses!   
      
   - Burn 50 copies of MS-DOS each workday morning!   
      
   - Give away a box of Twinkies with each Amiga purchase!   
      
   - Get some underworld thugs to kick Irving Gould's butt off of the   
     company premises!   
      
   - Enjoy a cruel laugh as Electronic Arts' 3DO system flops in the   
     marketplace!   
      
   - Produce sexist Amiga commercials featuring 50 scantily-clad models   
     undulating over a pile of Amiga computers! (Hey, it works for   
     Budwieser!)   
      
   - Use my newly acquired clout to convince Newtek to "Get rid of that   
     Wil Wheaton chump!"   
      
   - Release a swarm of killer bees at Microsoft headquarters!   
      
   - Include autographed photos of myself in each computer box (in order to   
     attract more females to the Amiga platform!)!   
      
   - Hire a bunch of wild, inbred chimpanzees as marketing executives!   
     (hey, how much worse could they be?)   
      
   - Find out once and for all if Atari ST owners actually exist, or are   
     just mythical figures with no basis in fact!   
      
   - Keep the same 8-year-old, 4-channel sound chip. (Let's see how long we   
     can milk this sucker!)   
      
   - Sit through an entire episode of SeaQuest DSV without falling asleep!   
      
   - Include the game "Bloodthirsty Buttkickers from Mars" with each CD32   
     game console! *PARENTAL GUIDANCE SUGGESTED*!   
      
   - Skim company profits for my own personal benefit! (You didn't   
     seriously think I would let Gould and Ali have all the fun, did you?)   
      
   - Hold my breath until Dave Haynie comes back to work for Commodore!   
      
   - Provide the R&D department with an endless supply of beer and Jello!   
      
   - Sell the names of all known PC users to kinky mailing lists!   
      
   - Introduce a new marketing slogan: "Buy Amigas. We need the money!"   
      
   - Or how about: "Get Funky, Get Hype, Get Fresh, Get Stoopid... Get   
     AMIGA!"   
      
       .... and last, but not least,   
      
        I pledge to promote peace, tranquility, and brotherly love amongst   
   owners of all brands of computers, so that together, we may ease the   
   ills of our society and promote the attributes of generosity, justice,   
   virtue, and most of all, wisdom and intelligence.   
      For once the world at large  develops these traits, they will all   
   collectively wonder..... WHY IN THE HECK DID WE OVERLOOK THE AMIGA IN   
   THE FIRST PLACE?!?! MS-DOS?!?! WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!?   
      
          So, fellow Amigans, rejoice and be in good cheer, for *I* am now   
   the head honcho at Commodore! Happy days are here again!   
      
        Yours Truly,   
      
        Robert W. Owens   
       New CEO, Commodore International, Ltd.   
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