                VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
                ----------------------------------------
Episode 4:
----------
[...we left our heroes at the end of episode three (which was actually episode
two of course) in a bit of a predicament.
 Advancing towards them was a very angry looking crowd of natives led by
 a tall old man with a white beard and a funny pointed hat.
 Captain Kirk gave the order to fire on the advancing crowd before it
was too late....]


Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42 (entry made by outdoor battery operated log)
--------------------------------
We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives...Two of our
guards have just been blasted by the old man with the beard who seemed to
get rather upset when they first hit him with a couple of volleys of phaser
fire. Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is approaching me
now..probably to parley....hold on he's getting very close and is still walking
at quite a pace.....umph!...

Gandalf: "Oh eck...sorry....eyesight's not s'good as it used to be..."

Jim: (picking himself up off the ground and dusting off the...err..dust..(for
        want of a better word)) "That's alright"

Gandalf: "What were those red things, by the way?....were they annoying you
        too?...I thought i better get rid of them before they did any harm"

Jim: "Those red THINGS were members of my......err....actually no...
        I DON'T know what they were....It IS lucky you blasted them...they were
        about to attack us all I think"

Spock: (in a confidential whisper) "Well done Captain...your diplomatic skills
        might be the best way to get around these savages"

Jim: "Why thank you Spock...come to my cabin later on when we get back to the
        ship"

Gandalf: "Stop muttering Kirk....I'm very angry with you"

Jim (spluttering): "How do you know my name!??!?"

Gandalf: "Remember the old man you used to use as phaser target practice
        when you were at Federation cadet school?"

Jim: "Emmm..yes...that was YOU?"

Gandalf: "Nope...I was his walking stick. I went through a bit of a phase
        in my early years....just research really...into the day to day lives of
        inanimate objects....but that's all irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean by
        disrupting the lives of these little people!"

Jim: "I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we crash-landed
        I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless until we can either
        repair or replace our burnt out dylithium crystals..."

Gandalf: "Bugger that!...we want you out of here by teatime or else we'll
        have to take severe action!"

Jim: (glancing nervously at the two dead guards) "emm...right we'll do our
        best.."

Spock: (pointing at a small bearded person pushing a wheelbarrow)
        "I think we may be in luck Captain"

Jim: "Who is he?"

Gandalf: "Damn dwarf of course.....They're building what they call the
         very latest in large scale construction projects...the Hobbiton
         Megadrome....It's basically an urban bypass, conference centre,
         shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into one.....Groan...what
         am I doing..standing here nattering to you lot...I'm off...and
         I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!"

Scotty: "Look Captain!..in the wheelbarrow...Dylithium crystals!"

Jim: "Right...we'll play this strictly by the book...Spock, remind me of
        Federation standard code on opening friendly talks with alien
        lifeforms"

Spock: "Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1: Hail the alien lifeforms
        in a friendly and diplomatic manner."

Jim: "Oi!.Shorty!..Get yer backside over here with that wheelbarrow!"

Dwarf: (drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt) "Kryvh ne grok!"

Spock: "I think we have a communication problem here Captain..."

Jim: "Rubbish!..he understood me perfectly! He's becoming tiresome anyway.
        Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death grip and we can swipe
        the Dylithium."

Spock: "I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain... I fear I would not
        get close enough to administer the grip without my arms falling
        victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon"

Jim: "..I love it when you talk dirty.."

Scotty: "I have a better plan.....we could all pretend to run off in sheer
        terror....he chases us...leaves the wheelbarrow...and Spock slips back
        to grab the crystals..."

Jim: "I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary...but anyway it's a
      brilliant plan! ....ok..on the count of 3...1.2.3...RUN for it!"


[**** 20 minutes later on board the Enterprise ****]

Spock: "The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are now fully
        operational, Captain."

Jim: "That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding maniac of
        diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's already minced a
        troop of guards on deck 3..."

Spock: "How did he get on board?"

Jim: "He chased us all the way!..we didn't have time to shut the door behind
        us!....We'll have to forget about him till later....We have more
        urgent matters to attend to...like getting off this planet....What
        time do you make it Mr.Sulu?"

Sulu: "230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir"

Jim: "Give me that in English, Sulu"

Sulu: "About teatime, sir"

Jim: "Hit the gas pedal Sulu!..NOW!!"

Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"

Spock: (Thinking quietly to himself): Hmmm, I'm sure there's something in
        the Federation Code of Practice about not using warp drive in
        populated areas.....ah, what the hell........
        Ho hum.....eh?...That's funny...I seem to remember Lt.Uhura being
        taller...and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at all....

*********************  Next Week: Episode 5. ************************


Galactic Credits:
----------------

        Story by:                               DJY
        Special Effects:                        DJY (with help from an old
                                                washing up liquid bottle)
        Transporter Powered By:                 Duracell batteries
        VAX Computer System kindly run by:    Those Great Computer Centre Peeps
        Missiles launched by:                   Computer Error
        Dwarves supplied by:                    Zorko's Dwarf Emporium


Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling
episode....and remember...In Space..No One Can Hear You Being-Sliced-Neatly
In-Two-By-A-Slightly-Upset-Axe-Wielding-Dwarf.


