
                                  BOTTOM
                                  ======
                    by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall

                            Series 2, Episode 6


                                BOTTOMS OUT
                                ===========

     "A full script which was recorded by the BBC but not transmitted
     because of a rather gruesome real-life murder on Wimbledon Common
       which took place the week before the scheduled transmission."

       This version was published on the Live Tour souvenir poster.

                              Richie  Rik Mayall
                               Eddie  Adrian Edmondson


Scene 1. The Common.
--------------------

[A patch of scrubby countryside, which is in fact a part of Wimbledon
Common. We should be aware of the city, either by the hint of car lights in
the distance or the noise of the traffic etc. It has that "not-real-
countryside" look that commons have. There is a pond, or rather a large
puddle. Bits of litter here and there. Mostly bushes rather than trees. We
hear Richie's voice singing "I Love to Go A-Wandering Along the Mountain
Track" with much yodelling. He enters. Richie is wearing his ordinary
clothes customised to look more "alpine": thick socks over his trousers and
a hat with a feather in it. He has a small rucksack on his back with a
small tent and a sleeping bag strapped to it. Eddie follows on behind him.
He has two carrier bags and a weary look on his face.]

Richie:  Cor, I don't know about you Eddie, but after a long hike like that
         I'm just about ready to pitch camp and hit the sack.

[Eddie looks back along the route they've just come.]

Eddie:   What do you mean? I can still see the bus stop from here!
Richie:  Yes, this looks like a likely spot, a natural sort of, what do you
         call it? Er... come on Eddie, what is it?
Eddie:   Shithole?
Richie:  No Eddie, a natural hollow in the lee of the wind. Fresh water
         supply, and the wind coming from...  [sniffs]  Phwoar!  [looks
         down and sees that he has trodden in a pile of muck]  Dear oh
         dear, you'd think people'd have more control over their dogs
         wouldn't you? Cor, look at that! Must've been a Great Dane! Well
         we can't camp here. We're not French. Hi ho Eddie, on we go, no
         rest for the hygienic. Dear oh dear, who'd be English?

[Eddie sighs to camera. They start on their trek then after five paces
Richie blows his whistle and makes a kind of "Wagons Roll" type noise.]

Richie:  Right, this should do.  [drops his rucksack]  Cor, this is great,
         isn't it Eddie?
Eddie:   What?
Richie:  [indicating everything]  This.
Eddie:   [looking hard at everything]  No.
Richie:  Oh, you sad deformed urban pustule. This is real life. Nature,
         struggle, destiny. Where's your romance?
Eddie:   Well she works in Sketchley's of a Saturday afternoon, I could be
         going out with her tonight.  [thinks]  In fact that's a good idea,
         if I hurry the chemist's'll still be open.  [starts to walk off]
Richie:  You stay where you are Judas. Where's your sense of adventure?
Eddie:   Oh, she's in Chiswick.
Richie:  No, I mean where's your spunk? Oh no, let's forget that line of
         questioning. Come on Eddie, we don't need birds. Not when we've
         got the call of the wild in our ears. Here we are, look, two men
         against the elements. Miles from anywhere.
Eddie:   Except Wimbledon.
Richie:  Well yes, except Wimbledon.
Eddie:   And Putney.
Richie:  Yes.
Eddie:   And the A3 bypass.
Richie:  Yes alright. Two men up against the elements right in the heart of
         London. But that's how it'll be after the bomb drops. Besides, if
         we don't do it we'll lose our fifty pound bet with Mad Ken Stalin
         that we can live rough in the countryside for a week. And we
         haven't got  fifty pounds, and I'd rather hang onto my kneecaps if
         it's all the same to you.

[Pause.]

Eddie:   A week!?
Richie:  Yes, I was rather hoping to break that to you at a more opportune
         moment.
Eddie:   A bloody week!
Richie:  Well I wasn't the one who got drunk and bet him he couldn't stick
         a dart in his temple. Once he'd done that he had us over a barrel.
Eddie:   But I've only got enough underwear for today!
Richie:  That's all you've ever had.
Eddie:   Hmmn, that's true.
Richie:  Now we're stuck with it so stop moaning and help me get the tent
         up. Honestly, Alexander the Great never had these problems.
Eddie:   Yeah, well, he wasn't a complete dickhead was he?
Richie:  Right, that's enough of that. I've been doing evening classes in
         Jujitsu you know.
Eddie:   Well you should have done them in Hammersmith, then you could have
         saved on the bus fares.  [they both laugh]
Both:    Ha ha, what great mates we are.

[They both turn to camera and make "wanker" signs about each other.

Richie:  Right, let's get the tent up.

[Fade down. Fade up. The small, thin tent is erect.]

Eddie:   Right, so that's the toilet tent, now where do we sleep?
Richie:  Oh ha ha ha, look everybody, I'm about to blow my trousers off in
         merriment at Eddie's sarcasm.
Eddie:   What? You mean that's the whole tent?
Richie:  This isn't just a tent Eddie, this is a Worldranger Stormbuster
         IV. You could go anywhere in that.
Eddie:   Probably will as soon an the breeze gets up.
Richie:  Don't knock it Eddie, you'll be glad of this when the bomb drops.
Eddie:   What, you think that can withstand a twenty-megaton thermonuclear
         blast?
Richie:  Well you'll be sleeping in it tonight Eddie, so we'll find out
         won't we?
Eddie:   Wait, let me get this straight, we're both going to sleep in that?
Richie:  Yes.
Eddie:   But I mean, we'll be very close won't we?
Richie:  Well, we'll have our sleeping bags to keep us... respectable.
Eddie:   What sleeping bags? What's all this about? The last thing I
         remember I was ordering two pints of mild.
Richie:  Well I've got my sleeping bag.
Eddie:   Well, where's my sleeping bag?
Richie:  Well the last I heard she was in Chiswick. Now will you stop
         whingeing, we're supposed to be enjoying ourselves, so for heavens
         sake buckle up and grin.

[Pause.]

Eddie:   What, so theres only one sleeping bag?
Richie:  It would appear so.
Eddie:   Wait a minute, you say "Come on, let's get back to nature" and
         lure me out to a remote part of the countryside then force me into
         a microscopic tent where we have to share a sleeping bag? I've
         heard about people like you on Wimbledon Common before.
Richie:  Eddie, I am not trying to trick you into a nudie sauce romp,
         believe me, I would rather stick my genitals in a bees' nest.

[Pause.]

Eddie:   You're kinky.
Richie:  What do you mean kinky, how am I kinky?
Eddie:   You want to stick your genitals in a bees' nest. You just said so.
Richie:  No I don't, that's the whole point. It's sarcasm Eddie. I was
         trying to make the point that although it's such a stupendously
         un-nice thing to do, it is nevertheless preferable to having a
         squidgy sleeping bag session with you!

[Pause.]

Eddie:   See -- you're kinky.
Richie:  Oh come on, let's just shut up and get on with it shall we? Right,
         let's get our equipment out.
Eddie:   See -- there you go again.
Richie:  Right, that's it, enough. This isn't a little boy's game you know.
         This is the country mate, this is the real thing. You come out
         here, ill-equipped, half-drunk, endlessly repeating "kinky,
         kinky", well it's just not good enough. This is dangerous stuff my
         fried and if you carry on like this I'll give you three days at
         the outside. Now someone's got to get us the hell back. Am I
         reading me? Huh? And if that's going to happen you're just going
         to have to do everything I say. Verbatim.  [slight pause]  Right,
         let's get our equi... our tackle... our gear... Oh God, you can't
         call it anything round here without some dreadful double entendre
         lurking round the corner. Let's just unpack and get dinner on the
         go, shall we? Now, I bet you forgot the tin opener didn't you?
         God, I despair, I really do. I leave you with just one obligation,
         just one simple task, and what do you do? You forget it.
Eddie:   Well that's where you're wrong because look...  [gets it out]  Ta-
         ra! Here it is. Right, where are the tins?
Richie:  Shit. Shit. You stupid bastard, why did you make me forget them?
         Why do I have to do everything myself? On and on and on it goes.
Eddie:   What?
Richie:  My life with you. I can't stand it any more. I hate you, I hate
         you!
Eddie:   Richie, calm down.
Richie:  But we're going to starve to death, our poor naked little huddled
         bodies'll be found...
Eddie:   But look, I've got half a packet of chocolate hobnobs.
Richie:  Oh thank goodness, we're saved!
Eddie:   What do you mean, "we"? I'm all right, but I don't fancy your
         chances much.  [starts munching]
Richie:  Oh have a heart Eddie, this is your old pal, Richie.
Eddie:   Exactly. Bugger off.

[Richie goes mad-faced, as if he's alone in the Brazilian jungle after a
plane crash. Eddie sees this and starts munching biscuits as fast as he
can. Richie lunges for Eddie, they start tearing around the tent. A fight
ensues. Eddie gets Richie with the tent pole in the goolies. This
culminates in the tent being wrecked and the biscuits flying into the pond.
Fade down.]


Scene 2. The Common.
--------------------

[Fade up. The boys are sitting round a mingy-looking fire holding the
biscuits out on the end of sticks. Some are arranged on a washing line
above the fire.]

Richie:  What was that film where they ate each other?
Eddie:   'Deep Throat' wasn't it?
Richie:  Yeah, it was great wasn't it? Right, back to the question of food.
Eddie:   Hang on, this is Wimbledon Common isn't it?
Richie:  Yes.
Eddie:   I wonder how much meat you'd get on a Womble.
Richie:  Eddie, Wombles don't exist.
Eddie:   They do, I've seen them on the telly loads of times.
Richie:  Eddie, would it scar you for life if I told you they're puppets?
Eddie:   [after reflection]  Yes it would.
Richie:  Oh good.  [leans in close]  They're p-u-p-p-e-t-s!
Eddie:   Well what's that?

[He points to a hedgehog sniffing about under the bushes.]

Richie:  It's a hedgehog Eddie.
Eddie:   No it's not, it's Great Uncle Bulgaria.
Richie:  Well if it's Great Uncle Bulgaria then the series has taken a sad
         turn for the worse, because he's wandering about in the nude.
Eddie:   Er! The Wombles have gone X-rated!
Richie:  Eddie, pop your insane leaking brain back in its spongebag for a
         moment, and concentrate. Now, Womble or not -- that's our supper.
Eddie:   Looks a bit spiky, doesn't it?
Richie:  Red Indians eat them you know.
Eddie:   Is that why they run around going...  [does that Red Indian noise
         with a finger in his mouth]
Richie:  God you're racist aren't you? Red Indians don't go  [does that Red
         Indian noise with a finger in his mouth]  , they go "How"!
Eddie:   Yeah, I bet they do, they go -- "HOW the bloody hell are we
         supposed to eat that hedgehog?"
Richie:  No they do not. They say "HOW lovely that hedgehog meal was, thank
         you very much Mrs Sitting Bull, it was charming, we must do the
         same next Tuesday, how is Roger's prep school?"
Eddie:   What the bleeding hell are you taking about you madman?
Richie:  You wouldn't understand Eddie, different social strata. Right, how
         shall we kill him?
Eddie:   Well, you could bore him to death.
Richie:  Yeah! ...No... Oh... Well it's all academic now -- he's buggered
         off. Oh no, there he is! Eddie, right, this is it, er, er, er,
         I've got it! Why don't you... disguise yourself as a lady hedgehog
         and entice him out with a love call?
Eddie:   Hmmn. What if she's a lady hedgehog?
Richie:  Well you'll have to pretend to be a lesbian hedgehog.  [Eddie
         gives him a look]  Well alright. Oh blimey, there must be
         something else these hedgehogs like apart from sex. God, is that
         all they think about?  [shouting at the hedgehog]  It's no
         surprise that you lot didn't get around to building the Taj Mahal
         is it?
Eddie:   What about enticing him out with a biscuit?
Richie:  Good idea Edward. Then when we've flushed him out we surround him
         ands finish him off. Right, now we need to get some sticks and
         lash them together to fashion some kind of.... rifle.
Eddie:   Hmmn. Well what do pygmies do?
Richie:  They run around saying "Bloody hell, isn't everything big?"
Eddie:   Well it's no wonder they're dying out then.  [pause]  I've got my
         darts!  [produces his pub darts]
Richie:  Yes of course Eddie! Darts and a blow-pipe. Very rainforest.
Eddie:   And we could use this as a blowpipe.

[Eddie pulls out one of the tent poles which causes the tent to collapse.]

Richie:  God, if only Sting was here to watch this.
Eddie:   Right, here we go.
Richie:  Hey, hang on, hang on, if we're going to do this properly we're
         going to need proper Amazon Indian names for ourselves.
Eddie:   What !?!
Richie:  Shut up Eddie, this is important. Now, it needs to be sort of
         eagley with a dash of running dog, not forgetting the hint of
         being a tower of attraction to women.
Eddie:   What about Neville?
Richie:  Yes, not bad. Running Neville. No, Sitting Neville, no, Sort Of
         Squatting Neville.
Eddie:   Come on, he's getting away.
Richie:  Oh all right, I don't like it, but we'll go with Pocohontas.
Eddie:   Right, off we go, Hocopuntas, entice him out.
Richie:  Right you are. Hang on -- what's your name going to be?
Eddie:   Eddie Hitler.
Richie:  Hmmn. Not very Indiany is it?
Eddie:   All right then, Eddie McHitler.
Richie:  Nice one. Savage. Let's go.

[They turn to hunt. Richie turns them back.]

Richie:  Don't forget to make the noise.

[They make noises with their fingers in their mouths. It's too noisy. They
try various noises to see which is the best and quietest, and end up making
the one which usually indicates madness.]

Richie:  Smashing. Right, off we go.  [turns again]  Oh, he's gone.

[Pause.]

Eddie:   No, there he is, by the tree.
Richie:  Hey, maybe we should do this in our underpants? Yes! We could get
         hankies and put them down the front and the back, then we'd look
         just like Indians. No no, stupid idea -- because we haven't got
         any hankies have we. Though hang on, we could use pages from the
         Evening Standard...  [he stops babbling as he sees the expression
         on Eddie's face]  Hmmn, yes, perhaps you're right, it is a bit
         cold. Right, here we go then. Let's hunt.  [scattering bits of
         biscuit towards the hedgehog]  Mrs Tiggywinkle! Mrs Tiggywinkle!
         [pause]  It's not working.  [pause]  Mr. Tiggywinkle! Mr
         Tiggywinkle! Hey, it's working, quick, more biscuits.
Eddie:   But we've only got five left!
Richie:  Look, it's an investment. He gets to eat the biscuit, then we get
         to eat him. We get them back in the end.
Eddie:   It'll taste of hedgehog spit.
Richie:  Eddie, everything'll taste of hedgehog spit, it's hedgehog we'll
         be eating. Now come on, toughen up guy, this isn't civilisation
         anymore, this is Wimbledon Common. This is man against beast, the
         ancient blood rite, the eternal pitiless battle of evolution. Now
         shut up and pass me the hobnobs.

[Eddie chucks him the hobnobs. Richie continues enticing.]

Richie:  Right Eddie, he's broken cover! Let him have it!

[Eddie blows a dart.]

Eddie:   Did I get him?

[Richie walks back towards Eddie.]

Richie:  No, you missed.
Eddie:   Damn.
Richie:  Eddie old chum?
Eddie:   Yes?
Richie:  Do us a favour and pull this dart out of the back of my head would
         you?
Eddie:   Right you are me old mate.  [genuinely interested]  How did that
         get there?
Richie:  I've no idea Edward. Hurry along now, I'm losing my eyesight.
Eddie:   Right, kneel down.

[Richie kneels. Eddie pulls at the dart, this way and that, to no avail.
After a lot of pulling he had to push against Richie's head with his foot
whilst pulling with all his might. Squelch! Richie's face catapults into
the fire.]

Richie:  Owwwwwwwwwwwwww!

[Sparks, smoke and flames. Richie screams, runs to the pond, and sticks his
face into it. Pause. He comes back up.]

Eddie:   [disappointed]  Richie?
Richie:  Yes?
Richie:  You've put the fire out now.

[Richie has an excited look in his eye. He whispers something to Eddie.
Eddie doesn't understand what he's saying. Richie whispers more animatedly
but Eddie still doesn't understand what he's saying. Richie leads Eddie to
the back of the set.]

Richie:  There's a fish in there.  [pointing to the pond]
Eddie:   [loud]  There's a fish in there!?
Richie:  Shhhhhh!

[Richie indicates to Eddie that they should use the blowpipe to get the
fish. Eddie nods. They creep up to the edge of the pond. Richie points.
Eddie blows a dart.]

Eddie:   Right, go on Richie, get him!
Richie:  No, I think I'll just stay here.
Eddie:   Come on, he's only a fish!
Richie:  I realise that, but unfortunately my hand is now attached to this
         rock.

[Reveal that the dart has gone through Richie's hand. Eddie tried to pull
it out. He lifts Richie's hand up but the rock is still attached to it.
Eddie wiggles the dart around until it comes out. The rock falls onto
Richie's foot. Richie grimaces.]

Richie:  Right, give me the blowpipe.

[Eddie hands it over.]

Eddie:   I'm very sorry Rich.
Richie:  Now go and stand over  there.
Eddie:   Fair enough.
Richie:  Right, here goes.

[Richie puts the blowpipe to his mouth, sucks in a huge breath and
accidentally swallows the dart. He falls about in pain and suffocation
Eddie turns, having reached his position (and having not seen him swallow
the dart). Richie makes wild gestures at him. Eddie doesn't know what's
happening. Richie makes wilder gestures at him. Eddie thinks it's a game
and makes wild gestures back.]

Richie:  [barely audible]  Slap me!
Eddie:   Pardon?
Richie:  [barely audible]  Slap me!
Eddie:   Slap you?
Richie:  Yes!
Eddie:   Oooh, I like this game.

[Eddie slaps him. Richie flies back. He gets up immediately and shows Eddie
his mouth, pointing wildly. Eddie looks down.]

Eddie:   Bloody hell! You've got a dart down there! Did you know that?
         You've got a dart! Down there!

[Richie nods furiously.]

Richie:  Get it out!
Eddie:   Pardon?
Richie:  Get it out!
Eddie:   Kinky!
Richie:  No, the dart!
Eddie:   Oh, right you are.

[He sets Richie up, getting the angle right, takes a long run up and whacks
him with unremitting and unnecessary violence. Richie makes an
extraordinary noise as the dart rockets out of his trachea. It ricochets
off a tree, a rock, a bit of fence, an empty Coke tin, and finally into
Richie's bottom. (NB: You don't have to see the dart until it sticks into
Richie's bum as the journey could be described by little charges on each of
the aforegoing to suggest the flight of the dart, with appropriate sound
effects.)]

Richie:  Ooooooyaaaaaaah!

[Pause. Richie removes the dart, chucks it into the pond, and gathers
himself.]

Richie:  I don't think we're really cut out for this blowpipe and darts
         routine.
Eddie:   Yes, it is a bit of a pain in the arse, isn't it?
Richie:  Ah Eddie, hah ha. If it wasn't for your wit... I'd be a happy man.
         Come along, it's getting dark and still no sustenance.
Eddie:   Yeah, the only thing that's had anything to eat around here is
         that bloody hedgehog!
Richie:  That's a point, how many hobnobs have we got left?
Eddie:   One.  [makes to eat it]
Richie:  Eddie, no! That's the emergency ration. We've got to eke that out
         over the next few days. Right, let's have a go at that fish.
Eddie:   We haven't got a rod.
Richie:  Well, we can use your vest as a net.
Eddie:   Would I have to be in it?
Richie:  Just give us your vest Eddie, I know what I'm doing. My
         grandfather was a trawlerman you know.
Eddie:   Oh, so that's what they called them in those days was it?
Richie:  That'll do. Right, get the stove nice and hot, knowing me there'll
         be a few hundred pounds of mackerel flapping about on the shore in
         a couple of ticks.

[Eddie rips his vest off through his shirt like a magician. Richie looks
quizzical.]

Richie:  Right, stand back Moby, here I come.

[He dangles the vest in the water rather ineptly. Eddie shuffles off to get
something going. He kicks about looking for all the equipment. Eventually
he finds a "Gaz" canister and the attachment thingy. Richie thinks he's got
a catch. He pulls the vest out -- there's something in the net. He grabs it
enthusiastically then his face drops.]

Eddie:   Caught anything?
Richie:  Yes, I think I may very well have caught something. It's quite a
         love nest around here you know.

[He throws a johnnie back into the pond. Meanwhile Eddie is screwing the
"Gaz" thing together. Richie throws out his "net" once more like a real
fisherman. He casts it so well he can't reach it any more. Eddie looks
quizzical as a hissing noise starts from the "Gaz" thingy. He sniffs,
ascertains that is it gas, looks pleased, and pats his pockets for matches.
Richie is trying to reach the vest but spots something and pulls out an
eight inch long ragged fish skewered by the dart thrown earlier.]

Richie:  Eddie, I've got one. I've landed one. She's a beauty!  [holds it
         up like a shark fisherman]  Have you got the camera and the
         scales?

[Eddie hoves into view.]

Eddie:   Nice one Richie -- I bet she put up quite a fight.
Richie:  [manly]  Yes she did actually. Look at her, look at her, she must
         be that big.  [exaggerates by six feet while holding the actual
         fish] Oh yes. Quite a little battler. In fact I'm afraid we lost
         the net.
Eddie:   You mean my vest's in the pond?
Richie:  Is the stove lit yet?
Eddie:   Half.
Richie:  Half?
Eddie:   Yes. You haven't seen the matches have you?
Richie:  Um... no. You could always rub two sticks together.
Eddie:   Yes... but it's a little more urgent than that.
Richie:  Oh all right, you can use my lighter, but don't press your finger
         down for more than a second, alright?

[Eddie goes over to the leaking "Gaz" cylinder and lights it. The resultant
fireball is followed by a steady eight foot vertical jet of flame.

Eddie:   Stove's lit!
Richie:  Right you are Eddie, let's get Moby under the grill, I'm famished.

[Richie attaches Moby to the end of a stick and sticks it into the flame.
It immediately catches fire. Richie withdraws it from the jet, tries to blow
the fish out, panics, drops it onto the ground and stamps on it
repeatedly.]

Richie:  Jesus... Jesus!

[Eddie ambles over and looks at the remains.]

Eddie:   Is it done then?
Richie:  Yes, I think so. They don't take long, do they?

[Pause.]

Eddie:   What, and we just eat it straight off the ground do we? Is that
         safe?
Richie:  Ugh, you and your hygiene.  [looks to the heavens]  We're in the
         country here, we've got everything we need. We'll wash it in the
         lake, lovely fresh mountain water, fresh mountain salmon, it'll be
         lovely.  [pause]  You pick it up, it's a bit to near the dog shit
         for me.
Eddie:   Tchh.  [picks it up, takes it to the pond, and washes it]  Oops,
         lost a bit.  [shows the remains]  Which end's the head do you
         think?
Richie:  Oh give it here, I'll divide it up, I'm the leader.  [looks at
         fish]  Well it's bound to be one or the other isn't it?  [tears it
         in half]  Right then Eddie, heads or tails? Oh, we can't do that
         can we. All right then you have the flakey bit and I'll have the
         green bit. Good health.  [eats, smiles, chews, swallows, thinks]
         That is... disgusting!  [retches horribly, recovers]  Well aren't
         you eating your bit?
Eddie:   No, I'm keeping it.
Richie:  What for?
Eddie:   Evidence.
Richie:  But you've got tho have some nutrition.
Eddie:   I'm all right mate, I've got half a bottle of scotch here, I know
         whose side I'm on.
Richie:  Oh yes! Let's get boozy around the camp fire and sing some rugby
         songs!
Eddie:   Right you are then.

[They sit around the slowly dying gas jet. Eddie gets out his half-bottle
of scotch.]

Eddie:   Right, my shot first.  [drains the bottle]  Right, there you go me
         old mate.

[Richie takes the bottle enthusiastically and gets the last three drops out
of it.]

Richie:  [aren't I a dangerous person to drink so much whisky sort of
         voice]  Oh, oh oh oh, I'm going crazy! Right, let's get down to
         some rugby songs. Oh yes, I know one!  [clears his throat, sings]
         Silent night, holy night...  [stops]  Not very dirty that one is
         it? Eddie?  [panic]  Eddie?

[He turns to see that Eddie has collapsed. Richie is suddenly alone and
very frightened. He shakes Eddie awake.]

Richie:  Come on Eddie, come on! You're missing out on all the fun!
Eddie:   What fun?
Richie:  [thinks]  You know, when it actually comes down to it, nothing
         much happens in the countryside does it?

[A figure walks into the dell between the camera and Richie & Eddie, with
his back to camera. He flashes in a surprisingly diverting way, shrieking
and over-excited, then moves on.]

Richie:  You wonder why they do that, don't you? I mean with something as
         small as that. I mean, mine's bigger than that and mine's tiny!
         [realises what he's said and tries to pass over it]  Never mind,
         heigh-ho, it's time for bed anyway.
Eddie:   But it's only half past seven!
Richie:  Yes, but this is the country Eddie. You know what they say --
         Cuckoo in May, ooh ar ooh ar ay!
Eddie:   You're insane.
Richie:  [thinks]  Yes.

[Fade down.]


Scene 3. In The Tent.
---------------------

[Fade up.]

Richie:  Right Edward. Well here we are. Now, are you sure you didn't have
         a quick peek at my underpants as I got into my bag?
Eddie:   Absolutely Richie, I promise on my word of honour that I didn't
         get the slightest glimpse of your gaudily stained love blob
         containers.
Richie:  Good. Right then, goodnight. Er... God bless me, God bless me, God
         bless me, God bless me... and er... no, forget the rest.  [at a
         loss as to social rules at this point]  Erm... What do you
         normally do when you go to bed Eddie?
Eddie:   Well, I normally have a bit of a kip.

[Pause.]

Richie:  You're so concise Eddie. I meant what's your going to bed routine?
Eddie:   Oh right, routine. Well, I normally get into bed and have a bit of
         a kip.

[Pause.]

Richie:  [sarcastic]  Extraordinary the things you find out if you scratch
         the surface a bit.
Eddie:   [worried]  Why, what have you found?
Richie:  No Eddie, I was talking about... oh well, never mind.  [sigh]

[Long pause.]

Richie:  I wonder what's on the telly at the moment. Probably Emmerdale
         Farm. Matt'll probably have his arm up a cow's backside by now.
         [thinks]  Lucky bugger.
Eddie:   We'll miss the Late Show of course. My favourite programme at the
         moment.
Richie:  Really Edward? You?
Eddie:   Yeah. Cor, that bird with the red specs!  [blows a few times]
Richie:  Are you carrying a torch for her Edward?
Eddie:   No. It's just the way my trousers ruck up.

[Eddie returns to his book.]

Richie:  What are you reading Eddie?
Eddie:   I don't know, I'm too drunk to focus.  [turns a page]  It's
         exciting stuff though, I can't wait to see what happens at the
         beginning.
Richie:  What do you mean?
Eddie:   Well it's upside-down.
Richie:  [blowing mini raspberries, tossing and turning]  I'm bored now.
         [has a great idea for a conversation]  Ever been hang-gliding?
Eddie:   No.
Richie:  Nor me.  [pause]  That's exhausted that one then.  [sighs as few
         more times, tries desperately to find something to say]  Well, I
         just can't think of anything else to talk about.
Eddie:   [emphatically]  Night night then.
Richie:  Yes, I suppose so. Right, here I go then:  [sings]
         Night night, sleep tight,
         Hope the bed bugs do not bite.
         I hope they do, do a poo,
         And stick it in a cornish stew.
         Into the ambulance dring dring dring,
         Fish trousers elephant in Peking
         Saw a busy bee, diddle iddle eeeee,
         Daddy's an accountant just like me.
         Good night!
         God bless!

[He gets his head down, waits two seconds and sits up again.]

Richie:  I'm still not asleep you know.  [thrashes about]  I think it's
         this sleeping bag you know -- it's letting a draft in.
Eddie:   My heart bleeds.
Richie:  No Eddie, I mean it, I'm more sensitive than you. Do us a favour
         and pull my drawstring a bit tighter would you?
Eddie:   All right.

[Eddie pulls the drawstring up tight round Richie's neck so he can't get
his arms out and ties a big knot.]

Eddie:   There you go.
Richie:  Thanks Eddie. That's more like it. Right, turn the light out old
         fella.  [sounds of Eddie snoring under his book]  Eddie! Eddie!
         Bother, I'll have to do it meself.

[Richie's stuck in his bag so he tries to caterpillar his way to the lamp.
He manages to get up onto his knees, blows at the lamp, falls over, gets up
again and blows the lamp out successfully. Sound of something singeing.
Scream of pain. Finally settles down.]

Richie:  Right then.

[He gets his head down. There is a sudden crack of thunder and it begins to
rain heavily. Richie looks a bit worried and tries to snuggle down.
"Twwwooooooo!"  He sits up alarmed. "Twoooooooo!"]

Richie:  Eddie, there's something out there... doing owl impressions.
         ["Twoooo!"]  Not very good ones either.

[A flash of lightning illuminates the tent. Eddie rises like an Egyptian
mummy.]

Richie:  Eddie! Eddie!

[Eddie makes lots of strange noises in his sleep. Screams of pain and
oddness. Richie is terrified.]

Richie:  Eddie! Eddie! Stop it! Aggggh!

[He picks up a saucepan with his teeth and hits Eddie over the head with it
Eddie awakes.]

Eddie:   Ow! What did you do that for? I was having a dream.
Richie:  Yes, it sounded harrowing Eddie.
Eddie:   No, I was in bed with Kim Basinger -- it was fantastic! Let's get
         back to sleep -- quickly!  [hurls himself back; immediately wakes
         up and sits up suddenly]  Where the hell am I?
Richie:  Listen Eddie, I think there's something outside.
Eddie:   Richie, there's lots of things outside. You can't expect the whole
         of the material world to be contained within the confines of this
         small canvas tent.
Richie:  You're surprisingly philosophical for this time of night Edward.
Eddie:   Well I've had half a bottle of scotch, what do you expect?

["Twwoooooooo!"]

Richie:  Could be an axe murderer or a strangler. They have serial killers
         around here you know.
Eddie:   How do you strangle a Sugar Puff?
Richie:  No Eddie I'm serious. I'm getting a sense of something
         magnificently evil and black and foul hanging in the air waiting
         to destroy us.
Eddie:   That'll be the fish repeating on you.

["Twwooooooo!']

Richie:  Listen, there is is again. What do you think it is? Wolves? Bears?
Eddie:   Wombles?
Richie:  Wom...  [sighs]  Look, why don't we bring the fire into the tent?
         To ward them off.
Eddie:   Won't that be dangerous?
Richie:  No, it's gone out.
Eddie:   Not much point then is there?
Richie:  No you're right, silly me.
Eddie:   Tell you what, let's light a fire inside the tent.
Richie:  Just a small one.
Eddie:   Yeah all right, just a small one.

[Eddie grabs a few things from outside and makes a pile in the middle of
the tent. He strikes a few matches and tries to light it without success.]

Eddie:   Hmmn. Can't get it started. I'll just use a bit of paraffin from
         the lamp.
Richie:  No Eddie! Stop drinking it, there'll be none left.

[Eddie hiccups.]

Eddie:   Right, here goes... stand back!
Richie:  What do you mean stand back? I can't get out of my sleeping bag!

[Whump! From outside the tent we see a fireball lick out of both ends of
the tent, momentarily lighting up the silhouettes of Eddie and Richie. The
fireball evaporates leaving a small-sized blaze burning in the middle of
the tent.]

Richie:  Nice one Eddie, that should ward them off. Why are you burning my
         rucksack?
Eddie:   It's all I could find. Oh look!

[He spies the last hobnob in one of the rucksack pockets, gets it out, and
eats it. Richie can't get out of his bag to intervene.]

Richie:  No! No! Those are the emergency rations!

[Huge flash of lightning. The silhouette of a spooky-looking figure
creeping along the side of the tent is seen by both of them.]

Richie:  Quick! Get me out of this sleeping bag! Get me out of this
         sleeping bag!
Eddie:   There's no time!

[The tent flap starts to be unzipped from the outside. Real panic. As the
zip reaches the top we suddenly hear the stupid laughing noises of the
flasher. Cut outside. The flasher opens his coat and sticks his nob into
the tent. Inside Richie screams. Eddie leans forward and pulls the zipper
down quickly and forcefully. Cut outside. The flasher doubles over in pain,
clutching his organs. The tent is obviously now attached to him and as he
runs off he drags the canvas with him. Richie and Eddie are left out in the
open sat around the fire. Richie is still trapped in his bag. The rain
douses the fire.]

Eddie:   Right, well that's about it for me. I'm off. Are you not coming?
Richie:  Well I can't, I can't move can I?
Eddie:   That's a point.

[He walks over to Richie and bops him. Freeze-frame, roll credits.]


     Transcription James Kew <j.kew@ic.ac.uk>. Last revised July 1994.

       "Bottom -- The Scripts", a BBC book, contains full scripts to
     Series One, including many lines that were cut for transmission.
          Series One and Series Two are available on BBC videos.
