"A list songs and quotes from FOX's "Married With Children"

Send additions and  corrections to Bob Pack ( rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu )

For those who don't know yet, there is a newsgroup dedicated to
mwc ( alt.tv.mwc )

Special thanks to Dean Adams for his program guide that filled in the
holes in the songs. Read either rec.arts.tv or alt.tv.mwc for his
program guide ( an awesome resource for all mwc addicts ).

I've now classified the shows according to episode number to
make it easier to keep track of the updates

Thanks to the following people for additions / corrections / etc:

Name				Address
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dean Adams			dnadams@nyx.cs.du.edu
Alex				schoene@mathematik.uni-ulm.de
Ronny H. Arild			ronnya@stud.cs.uit.no
Andrew Astley			astleya@cs.aston.ac.uk
William Bader			wbader@scarecrow.csee.lehigh.edu
Donald L. C. Blewett		hatcher@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca
Russ Boucher			1910694ps380@sscl.uwo.ca
Robert M. Carusso		rmc@chamonix.ma30.bull.com
Dave Drab			daved@rocky.ndhm.gtegsc.com
Darren Embry			dsembr01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu
Jill Leslie Goodall		jg5k+@andrew.cmu.edu
Dolf Grunbauer			dolf@echo.tds.phillips.edu
Deepak Gursahaney		puck@zk3.dec.com
Petur Himlarson			petur@cs.chalmers.se
Niels Ole Jensen		U920533@daimi.aau.dk
Peter Jurgensen			pju@vision.auc.dk
Michael Kopko			KOPKO@B.PSC.EDU
Mike Latokartano		mol@jyu.fi
Jacob Lauritzen			jpl191@kom.auc.dk
Keith Lim			chil@sfu.ca
LUke				EENG6868@RYEVM.RYERSON.CA
David Matten			dm84+@andrew.cmu.edu
Albert Peter Michael		am3z+@andrew.cmu.edu
Dave Minsek			minsek@chen1.harvard.edu
Arnoud W. Morsink		amorsin@cs.vu.nl
Thomas Oeigarden		thoman@solan.unit.nor
Bob Pack			rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu
John Penokie			jrpenoki@major.cs.mtu.edu
Na Choon Piaw			piaw@pure.com
Clinton Pierce			dn648@slc10.INS.CWRU
Prashanth			pk@earth.sarnoff.com
John Rinck			rinck@ucsee.berkeley.edu
Jesse Sanchez			t_jsanch@qualcomm.com
Kai Siemonsen			spiff@isys-hh.hanse.de 
Bernd Spellenberg		mppi04@cd4680fs.rrze.uni-erlangen.de
Udo Thiel			r13ev@ix.urz.uni-heidelberg.de
Mahesh V Tripunitara		tripunit@algol.cs.psu.edu
Todd ( White Knight )		TAM131@PSUVM.PSU.EDU
Arun Vaidyanath			sununu@ece.arizona.edu
Jeroen Vendrig			vendrig@fwi.uva.nl
Larry Waxler			LARRYW@MAINE.maine.edu
Dan Welch			dwelch@devnullmpd.tandem.com
Mark Weston			csi056@cch.coventry.ac.uk
???				astleya@cs.aston.ac.uk



bob

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Bud's Grandmaster B nicknames from the show   
-------------------------------------------
Abdominizer B 		(Kelly)
Bassmaster B 		(Al)	 
Bed Wetter B 		(Kelly)     
Bellringer B		(?)
Buckminster B 		(Al)
Burgermeister B 	(Peg)
Bushwacker B 		(Kelly)
Butt Wagger B 		(Kelly)
Court Jester B 		(Peg)
Crossdressr B 		(Kelly)
Dustbuster B 		(Bud's date)
Gas Passer B		(Al)         
Ghostbuster B 		(Kelly)
Grand Bastard B 	(Kelly)  
Grand Flasher B 	(?)      
Grand Marshal B 	(Peg)
Grandfather B  		(Al)
Grandma B 		(Kelly)
Grandmaster Virgin 	(Kelly)
Grand Pappy B 		(Kelly)
Grasshopper B		(Al)        
Grave Digger B		(?)
Grinchmaster B 		(TV host) 
Mixmaster B 		(Bud's Date)
Thumb Sucker B 		(Kelly)   


0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Songs
-----           
Additions:
Marrying Man's Right Song

D-A-D-D-Y
Psycho Mom
Al's Christmas Song
Al's Tax Dance
Al's Gardening Song
At the Nudie Bar
Bundy the No-Man

	Marrying Man's Fight Song
	-------------------------
	   My wife will never cook or clean
	   Still my money's spent
	   Who knew when I first chose my mate
	   That she would put on that much weight
	   She said she knew for sure
	   'That it could only work with her'
	   Please K-I-L-L, K-I-L-L, me, me, me

	D-A-D-D-Y
	---------
	   D is for the many pies I baked you
	   A is for the apple in my eye
	   D is for the dish you ate the pie in
	   D is for de apple in my eye
	   Y because I love you
	   Put them all together, they spelly "daddy"

	"Old-Aid"
	---------
	   We are the old, we've got arthritis
	   Our gums are weak ( so weak ) from gingivitis

	   We are the old, we've got arthritis
	   We are the ones who wear bifocals and have bursitis

	   There are people younger but we heed another call
	   We really need the money, our accountants took it all
	   We sing to you, those who have money
	   Once we was cool, but now we just dress funny
	   We need your help, so please please dig deep
	   Don't call after 10 'cos we'll be asleep
	   We have medicare and anti-gas pills
	   But without your help, we can't pay our alimony bills

	   We are the old [ they are the old ]
	   We have arthritis [ they have arthritis ]
	   Once we were gods, no golf excites us [ golf excites 'em ]
	   So write a check ( a really big one ) for our december
	   There's another verse, but we can't remember

	
	"Psycho Dad"          
	------------		
	   Who's that riding in the sun?
	   Who's the man with the itchy gun?
	   Who's the man who kills for fun?
           Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad.

	   He sleeps with a gun
	   but he loves his son

	   Killed his wife 'cos she weighed a ton.
	   Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad.

	   A little touched or so we're told
	   Killed his wife 'cos she had a cold
	   Might as well she was getting old
	   Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Dad.

	   He's quick with a gun
	   And his job ain't done.
	   He's Psycho Dad

	
	Psycho Mom
	----------
	   Who's that gal that needs no man
	   Killed him dead with a frying pan
	   Did it 'cos he missed the can
	   She's Psycho Mom



	"Al's Christmas Song"
	---------------------
	   Twas the night before Christmas
	   and all through the house
	   no food was stirring
	   not even a mouse.

	   The stockings were hung
	   'round dad's neck like a tie
	   Along with a note that said
	   'Presents or die.'

	   The children were plotting
	   all night in their beds.
	   While the wife's constant whining
	   was splitting his head.

	   But, daddy had money this year in the bank.
	   Then they closed up early,
	   now dad's in the tank.

	   All of a sudden Santa appeared,
	   with a snear on his face,
	   booze on his beard.
	   "Santa," I said as he laughed merrily,
	   "You do so much for others,
	   do something for me"
	   "Bundy, he said, you only sell shoes,
	   your son is a sneak thief,
	   your daughter a flooze.
	   Ho, Ho," Santa said,
	   "Should I mention your wife?
	   her hair is like an A-bomb,
	   her nails like a knife."

	   He climbs up the chimney,
	   fat piece of dung.
	   He mooned me two times.
	   He stuck out his thumb.
	   He exclaimed, as he broke wind with glee,
	   "You're married with children, you'll never be free."


	"Al's Tax Dance"
	----------------
	   Oh, we're all broke, cha, cha, cha
	   Everybody broke, cha, cha, cha
	   Living in the gutter, cha, cha, cha
	   Early grave, cha, cha, cha
	   Everybody shoot me!


	"Al's Gardening Song"  
	---------------------
	   Old MacBundy had a farm
	   B-U-N-D-Y

	   And on this farm there was no wife
	   B-U-N-D-Y

	   And no wife here and no kids there
	   A hooker coming over on Friday night
	   Big bunch of hooters and a pizza and a beer there
	
	   Old MacBundy had a farm
	   B-U-N-D-Y


	"At the Nudie bar"
	------------------
	   at the nudie bar
           where you can look at a thigh
           and blacken an eye
           at the nudie bar

           at the nudie bar
           where they show you their butt
	   and their trap stays shut
           at the nudie bar
            
           at the nudie bar
           where you can't touch a breast 
           but you can cave in a chest,
           at the nudie bar
 
	   at the nudie bar
	   where the girlies dance
	   in their underpants
	   at the nudie bar

           at the nudie bar
           Where the music stinks,
           and they water the drinks.
           The nudie bar

	   at the nudie bar
           Where the beer gives you gas
           But the Bundy's KICK ASS.
           the nudie bar


	Al's " I Care " song
	--------------------
	   When hooters giggle around
	   and I find nickels on the ground
	   I care

	   When the Mustang engine purrs
	   and the bathroom's not hers
	   I care

	   When the pitcher's on the mound
	   and the wife is underground
	   I care.

	   But when I've been playing this for days
	   I'll kill anyone who stays
	   I swear!

	
	Bundy-the-no-Man <== aka Frosty the Snowman     
	----------------
	   Bundy the no man
	   He's as bald as he could be
	   With hair in his nose
	   And rot on his toes
	   He's as bald as he could be
	   
	   Bundy the no man
	   He's as bald as he could be
	   He's into old age,
	   making minimum wage,
	   he's as bald as he can be

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000


Shows Classified					Shows Needed
----------------					------------
Episode 101: Steve & Marcie move in			220
Episode 102: Thinnergy					
Episode 103: Al & Peg's 16th Anniversary		
Episode 104: Al kills the Rhoades' dog			
Episode 105: Al & Steve buy a Mustang			
Episode 106: Whose Room is it Anyway			
Episode 107: Al loses his Cherry			603
Episode 108: Peg gets a job				703
Episode 109: Steve and Marcie babysit Bud and Kelly 	708
Episode 110: Steve plays poker wil Al			712
Episode 111: Al meets his boss				716
Episode 112: Marcie dreams of Al			802
Episdoe 113: Johnny B. Goode's closes			
Episode 201: Buck can do it
Episode 202: Dumpwater, FL, Pt 1			
Episode 203: Dumpwater, FL, Pt 2			
Episode 204: Al 'steals' $1 million			
Episode 205: Crime Light / No Phone			
Episode 206: Marcie loses wedding ring, Pt 1		
Episode 207: Marcie loses wedding ring, Pt 2		
Episode 208: Kelly gets license				
Episode 209: The Bundy's go bowling			
Episode 210: Steve's beard				
Episode 211: Kelly goes to get a tattoo			
Episode 212: Art student stays over			
Episode 213: It's a Bundy Christmas			
Episode 214: Al & Steve collect baseball cards		
Episode 215: A mouse is loose
Episode 216: Buck gets a credit card			
Episode 218: A night in the shoe store			
Episode 219: Marcie wrecks Steve's Mercedes		
Episode 221: Al hides money from Peg			
Episode 222: Peg's family comes to visit		
Episode 301: Camping Trip				
Episode 302: The Little Engine that Could		
Episode 303: Peg sees Elvis				
Episode 304: Kelly becomes a cheerleader		
Episode 305: Al builds a bathroom			
Episode 306: Peg's bra is discontinued			
Episode 307: Steve's going bald				
Episode 308: Al's barber dies				
Episode 309: Madame Olga				
Episode 310: I'll See You in Court
Episode 311: The Bundy's get an inheritance		
Episode 312: Career Day at school			
Episode 313: Kelly joins tap club / Al loses socks	
Episode 314: Peg sells cosmetics			
Episode 315: The Harder They Fall
Episode 316: The House that Peg Lost
Episode 317: Married...With Queen, Pt 1
Episode 318: Married...With Queen, Pt 2
Episode 319: The Bundy's get a Computer
Episode 320: Shoe lights
Episode 321: The Bundy's go to the beach
Episode 322: A Peeping-Tom is loose
Episode 401: Labor Day barbecue
Episode 402: Peg vs Jim Jupiter
Episode 403: Al & Steve take neighborhood boys camping
Episode 404: Al goes to the Dentist
Episode 405: Peg thinks Al is cheating
Episode 406: Fair Exchange
Episode 407: Peg buys Tubro
Episode 408: Dr. Shoe
Episode 409: Al gets a new car
Episode 410: At the zoo
Episode 411: Who'll stop the Rain
Episode 412: It's a Bundyful Life, Pt 1
Episode 413: It's a Bundyful Life, Pt 2
Episode 414: Gutter Cat's video
Episode 415: Al sells Peg's hair
Episode 416: You gotta know when to fold'em, Pt 1 
Episode 417: You gotta know when to fold'em, Pt 2
Episode 418: Polk High Homecoming
Episode 419: Weather Bunny
Episode 420: Al tries to break alleys' record
Episode 421: Peg gets high school diploma
Episode 422: Bud thinks he had sex with Marcie
Episode 423: The Bundy's have a yard sale
Episode 501: Al's dreams
Episode 502: We'll follow the Sun
Episode 503: Al cancels car insurance
Episode 504: Softball game
Episode 505: Peg goes dancing
Episode 506: The Bundy Bounce
Episode 507: Married With Aliens
Episode 508: Al plants a garden
Episode 509: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
Episode 510: Kelly moves out
Episode 511: And Baby Makes Money
Episode 512: Marcy marries Jefferson
Episode 513: Cheese Cake
Episode 514: Kelly dates a 41 year old city official
Episode 515: A man's castle
Episode 516: Al vs old High School Rival
Episode 517: Weenie Tots
Episode 518: Al tires to remember a song
Episode 519: Supermarket, Pt 1
Episode 520: Supermarket, Pt 2
Episode 521: Kids! Wadaya gonna do?
Episode 521.5 (?): Top of the Heap Pilot
Episode 522: The Bundy's & Darcy's go prospecting, Pt1
Episode 523: The Bundy's & Darcy's go prospecting, Pt2
Episode 524: Buck the Stud Dog
Episode 601: Marcie and Peg are pregnant
Episode 602: Al & Jefferson are running away
Episode 604: Kelly is a pool shark
Episode 605: Anti-Baby meeting
Episode 606: Buck won't eat
Episode 607: Al get's glasses
Episode 608: God's shoes
Episode 609: Kelly's TV show, PT 1
Episode 610: Kelly's TV show, PT 2
Episode 611: Al dream of becoming a private eye
Episode 612: Shoe Groupie
Episode 613: Al makes a will
Episode 614: Ethical Dilemma
Episode 615: Zeus Shoes
Episode 616: Bud turns 18
Episode 617: The Egg and I
Episode 618: Madame Zelda
Episode 619: Anthrax visits the Bundy's
Episode 620: Kelly joins Alpha / Al & Jefferson build a workbench
Episode 621: Bud dates the teacher
Episode 622: Kelly works at TV Land
Episode 623: Al works at a gas station
Episode 624: Lower Uncton, Pt 1
Episode 625: Lower Uncton, Pt 2
Episode 626: Lower Uncton, Pt 3
Episode 701: The Bundy's get a new kid
Episode 702: Kelly says NO
Episode 704: Al becomes a bartender
Episode 705: Peg wants sex
Episode 706: Bud forms a fraternity ( Alpha Gonna Get 'Em )
Episode 707: Al leads a tax revolt
Episode 709: Old Aid
Episode 710: Al buys a cemetary plot
Episode 711: The Old College Try
Episode 713: Bud sleeps with cousin's fiance
Episode 714: Al's vacation
Episode 715: Kelly buys a Harley
Episode 717: Bud goes on a dating game
Episode 718: Mutiny on the Bundy
Episode 719: The Old Games
Episode 720: Al gets sued by a burglar
Episode 721: Kelly's Birthday
Episode 722: Al's bad in bed
Episode 723: Al retires
Episode 724: Al's Dodge is stolen
Episode 725: Cousin Jimmy on war path
Episode 726: Indecent Proposal
Episode 801: A Tisket, A Tasket, Can Peggy make a basket
Episode 803: Bud gets assimilated
Episode 804: Al has good luck
Episode 805: Marcie the orator
Episode 806: Bud and Kelly buy a car
Episode 807: Al is a hero
Quotes 
------

Unclassified
------------
	Peg: " If a maniac would come in and shoot me down, Al wouldn't 
      	       even notice it."
  	Al:  " I would notice!"

	Peg: " I cannot steal from my children...they lock their rooms."
 
	Bud: " Are you absolutely sure you're my father?"
	Al:  " You think, I didn't run for an immediate bloodtest?"

	Al: <about sex> "Why would I care what you're wearing? I'm only
            watching the clock."
 
	Al:    " Listen, this is not about sex, is it? Because I don't
                 know anything about it."
	Kelly: " I know. Mom told me."

	Peg: " Al, we're talking about sex. So leave it to those who do it!"
 
	Al: " That's no lady. That's my wife!"



Epsidoe 101: Steve & Marcie move in
-----------------------------------
	<Al has a bandage on his hand>
	Al: " Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm
	      clock should be?"

	<about Marcy & Steve coming over>
	Peg: " But they are nice people"
	Al:  " If they were nice, they would be dead and
      	       I could go to the basketball game."

	Al:  " Anything else I can do for you?"
	Peg: " You could shave your back."
	Al:  " The hair's there for a reason. It keeps you off of me
               at night."

	Al: " Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's
	      like any other minimum wage slow death."

	Al: " Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing
	      myself."

	Peg:    " We've been married 15 years."
	Marcie: " What's your secret?"
	Peg:    " Be considerate and not point out the fact that the hair
		  he's losing on his head is now growing out his nose and
		  ears."
	Al:     " Yea, and nowadays, it's harder to figure out where the
		  chest ends and the stomach begins."
	
	Peg:    " If they enjoy eating at home, they'll never take you
		  anywhere."
	Marcie: " Why don't you just tell him?"
	Peg:    " They never learn, but if you do some damage to internal
		  organs, you've got it made."

	Al:     " It's like when they < women > ask you what you're thinking
		  and you want to tell them 'If I wanted you to know, I'd
		  be talking.'"

	Marcie: " Mom's coming over for a visit."
	Steve:  " So she can bury me like she did her three husbands."
	Marcie: " Are you suggesting that their suicides had something to
		  do with mother?"




Episode 102: Thinnergy
---------------------
	Al: " We're men. It's our God given right to watch sports and smut."

	<Al won't have sex with Peg>
	Marcie: " What if I told you I had an answer to all your problems?"
	Peg:    " I tried that...It's just not the same."

	<Al's watching smut on TV>
	Al: " Just because I don't go to bed with you doesn't mean I don't
	      love you. Let's face it, even if you were beautiful like the
	      girl on TV, I'd still ignore you."



Episode 103: Al & Peg's 16th Anniversary
----------------------------------------
	Peg: " 10's tin. 15's crystal. I wonder what the next one is."
	Al:  " Brimstone."

	Peg: " What is it that dad has always wanted?"
	Bud: " That blonde down the street."
	Peg: " Did he tell you that?"
	Bud: " Not exactly, I noticed the way he bites his fist when he
	       drives past her house."

	Al:  " An anniversary is the day that you should show her how you feel
	       about her the rest of the year but you don't 'cos you're a man."
	Guy: " That's beautiful."
	Al:  " To know me is to love me."

	Chef: " Would you like to be a chef?"
	Bud:  " No, I rather be a man."

	Marcie: " We got you one of our favorite books."
	Al: <he reads title> " 'My Wife, My Partner, My Life'...My God!!!!"




Episode 104: Al kills the Rhoades' dog
--------------------------------------
        Marcie: " Someone's been in my bedroom. I feel helpless."
        Al:     " We'd all feel helpless in your bedroom."

        Al:  " Why are you meeting at my house?"
        Guy: " Our wives don't want you in our houses."

        Marcie: " We know he's < the dog > loud and the whole neighborhood
                  hates him, but he's a good protector."
        Bud:    " Hey, they say the same about dad."

        Marice: " Forget the money, I want something else from you."
        Al:     " You're too late, Peg's already got them."



Episode 105: Al & Steve buy a Mustang
-------------------------------------
        <Steve talks car talk>
        Marcie: " Steve, where did you learn to talk like that?"
        Steve:  " Well, I was a man before I met you."
	Al:     <to Peg>" He was honey. To you believe it?"

        Marcie: " Why do guys like cars?"
        Peg:    " Well, it's in their blood. They hear the engine and
                  they think it's their engine. They see the sleek and
                  smooth lines and they think they're sleek and smooth
                  and then they grab that stick shift."

        Al: " Steve, you know you're not my kind of guy and I don't
              wanna hang around with you, but you do know cars."

        Marcie: " I never knew I had so much hate for an inanimate object."
        Peg:    " You mean Al?"

        Peg: " I've known Al for a long time and when he's not talking, he's
               not thinking."



Episode 106: Whose Room is it Anyway
------------------------------------
	Marcie: " We've been nut picking and got a bag. Do you have a nut
		  cracker?"
	Al:     " You're looking at her <Peg>."

	Marcie: " We don't know what to do with all that money."
	Al: 	" Have a couple of kids. They suck it up like a hoover...
		  That's a vacuum, Peg, in case you want something else to
		  do with your afternoons."

	Steve: " We need you to sign a variance so we can build that close to 
		 the property line."
	Peg:   " Oh, we're friends. Aren't we, Al?"
	Al:    " Who, you and me? No."

	Al:    " Women always get their way. Remember when they would watch
		 the kids while you went out. What happened, Steve? I'll tell
		 you what happened. Someone told women that they should enjoy
		 sex, too. Now that they enjoy it, it's only work for us...
		 Do you know who's to blame?"
	Steve: " The french?"
	<Al shakes his head 'yes'>




Episode 107: Al loses his Cherry
--------------------------------
	Peg:   " You're not leaving here without eating a healthy
		 breakfast."
	Kelly: " I'm 15. I'm old enough to know how to use a vending machine."

	Peg:   " What do you and your friends do at the mall?"
	Kelly: " Nothing."
	Bud:   " Sometimes they go to the shoe store, look in the window
		 and make fun of dad."
	Kelly: " All the kids do. It's not like they know he's my dad."

	Peg: " Wouldn't it be nice if we could go off somewhere together?"
	Al:  " No, not really."

	Peg: " Al will drive around until he gets hungry or has to use the
	       bathroom and he'll come slinking home like nothing happened.
	       Then we'll go to bed and nothing will happen."

	Sherry: <to Al>" You've got very strong fore arms. It must be from
		all that flushing."

	Sherry: " What do men look for in a woman?"
	Al:     " You. You're beautiful. You're blonde. You'fe facing me. It's
		  everything I look for."

	Sherry: " I'm looking for a serious commitment. Someone who will stay
		  the night."

	Al:	" I should be heading home."
	Sherry: " Can I come with you?"
	Al:	" What are my chances that Peg's in a coma?"




Episode 108: Peg gets a job
---------------------------
	Al: " In the history of the Bundys, no wife ever worked outside
      	      or inside the house."

	Peg: <to Marcie>" You're not a house wife. You have your own money.
	     I have to be sneaky. When you first get married, you can
	     withhold sex. But they get to like it."

	Peg: " Men. God love em. They're just children with pay checks."

	Peg: " You must be hungry. Do you want something to eat?"
	Bud: " Not now, mom. I don't have time to cook."

	Al:  " Peg, some words of warning before you head off for work. When
	       you step outside, you're going to feel something warm on the
	       back of you neck. That's just our friend, the sun."
	Peg: " And Al, if you should feel a sudden sharp pain where you sit,
	       that's just your friend, my foot."

	Peg: " What did daddy make you for dinner."
	Bud: " Marshmellows."
	Peg: " Where's the dog?"
	Bud: " He's out barfing marshmellows. It looks like a snowstorm."

	Marcie: " How was your first day at work?"
	Peg:	" I hate work. That's why I got married."

	Bud: " Why don't you goto the supermarket and get some real food 
	       like mom used to defrost?"
	Al:  " I hate that place. I always get stuck in the 2000 item or less
	       line behind a woman in a mumu and curlers. They wait until
	       everything's rung up before they reach for their purse. Like
	       it never occurred to them that they'd have to pay. Then they
	       turn around and ask me the date. Like it matters to me. All
	       they gotta do is look at the date on the milk carton and
	       add one."

	Al: <to Steve>" If she <Peg> works any longer, we'll be in the poor
	    house. Actually, I'll be in prison for killing your wife."

	Steve: " I don't like to butt into your business."
	Al:    " Go ahead. Pretend you are your wife."
	Steve: " I think you should take into consideration what's best for
		 Peggy."
	Al:    " Why would I do that?"

	Marcie: " I'm settling an argument here. Al is a cheap, sexist, 
		  primitive throwback of a human being."
	Steve:	" What's the arguement?"



Episode 109: Steve and Marcie babysit Bud and Kelly 
---------------------------------------------------
	<Bud holds up a bra>
	Bud: " Hey, Kelly, look! Even Mrs. Rhodes has a bigger bra
	       size than you."

	Marcie: " Peg, you should get away."
	Peg:	" That would be great but the kids and Al would just
		  hunt me down."

	Peg: " Look, Al. Steve and marcie are here."
	Al:  " I know. I've been circling the block waiting for them to
	       leave but I ran out of gas."

	Steve: " You should go out."
	Al:    " Steve, look at the redhead in the kitchen. Picture, her
		 in heat."

	Marcie: " We're sorry."
	Steve:  " We're sorry we ever moved in next door to the devil's
	 	  spawning ground."





Episode 110: Steve plays poker with Al
--------------------------------------
        Steve: " Marcie needs the car for her women's club meeting."
        Al:    " What are they gonna do? Pile in and look for men to 
                 run over."

        Al: " If you want a perfect woman, you gotta build her in your 
              head. It gives you something to think about when you make 
              love to your wife."

        Steve: " I don't gamble."
        Al:    " We're married men, we all gamble."

        Steve: " What am I gonna tell Marcie?"
        Al:    " We're men, lie."

        Al: " With Peg, I have to get the first word in, so I have to be
              quick. If it's really tough, I throw her a quick one. And
              if she still wants to talk, who cares, I'm already asleep."

        Lady: " I want something to go with this < ugly > dress."
        Al:   " How about a bubling cauldron?"
        Lady: " Your brave."
        Al:   " I must be to get this close to your feet."

        Al:    " Did you tell her she looked beautiful?"
        Steve: " Yes."
        Al:    " Did she bring up the money again?"
        Steve: " We were at it until 8 this morning. Marcie's out cold
                 and I don't know how I got here."
	Al:    " Then it worked."
	Steve: " Yea, but it may never work again. I gotta ask you for
                 a big favor."
        Al:    " I can't. She's your wife. I don't even like touching
                 mine."

        Al: " That's what being a man is like: making mistakes and not
              caring."

	Al: " 25, the perfect age. Just before their butts start to sag and 
	      they start wearing Reebok's."




Episode 111: Al meets his boss
------------------------------
	Al:  " I heard some bad news on the radio."
	Peg: " You don't use it, you loose it?"
	Al:  " What do I care."

	Al:  " The guy that owns the store, Gary, disappeared going to
	       Hawaii...who's gonna sign my checks?"
	Peg: " What's there to sign? They just hand you a roll of nickels."

	Peg: " Did you ever think of sending me flowers?"
	Al:  " You're still alive."

	Peg: " You spent $300 on flowers for a guy that's not dead while 
	       your family goes hungry and your wife goes naked."
	Al:  " I'd kill before I'd let you go naked...and no jury would
	       convict me."

	Marcie: " The family sent all the flowers to his favorite
		  charities."
	Peg:    " I hope they sent some to the Home for the Poor and Stupid."
	Al:     " I told you we're not living with your mother."

	Al: <to fat lady>" Wherever a fat woman buying shoes shoves her
	    foot in a poor guy's face, I'll be there. Wherever a guy tries
	    to return a pair of shoes he's been wearing for three months, 
	    I'll be there. Wherever kids come in with old shoes and try to
	    sneak out with new ones, I'll be there. But whenever Shamu 
	    needs a mate, you'll be there."

	Gary: " The next woman I bed will be dedicated to you."
	Al:   " Could you make it a blonde?"
	Gary: " They do make life worth living, don't they?"
	Al:   <looking at Peg>"I wouldn't know."




Episode 112: Marcie dreams of Al
--------------------------------
	Peg:    " That's 2 nights in a row you've drempt of Al."
	Marcie: " This is where you're supposed to tell me how Al is quick
		  in the sack and we both laugh."
	Peg:	" Al hasn't been quick in the sack with me 2 nights in a
		  row for a long time."
	Marcie: " I was throwing up all night."
	Peg:    " So did I at first, but I got used to it."

	Al:  " What should I do? Stop wearing T-shirts? Stop oozing sex
	       from every pore?"
	Peg: " That's not sex."

	Al:     " Why can't you have dreams like me...I'm Maharaja Bundy
		  and women with 4 hooters feed me Ding Dongs all day."
	Marcie: " Is Steve in there?"
	Al:     " No, just Phil Donohue and he gets eaten by the Lizard
	          people."



Episode 113: Johnny B. Goode's closes
-------------------------------------
	<Marcie comes in wearing a towel>
	Al: "  Hey, Marcie, what's holdind the towel up?"

	<Marcie & Steve come in>
	Peg: " Make yourself at home, watch TV and don't pet the dog. He
	       might expect it from us."

	Al: " I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids,
	      I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here?"

	<Al reads assembly instructions first in German...now in Japanese...>
	Al: " It sounds like a history of WW 2."
	<...now in French>
	Al: " More people we should have killed."

	<Al builds Bud's model car>
	Kelly: " There he is fixing the male child's problem while I take the
		 back seat."
	Bud:   " You should be used to that."

	Peg: " I'll call Spike and have him trade our number with my friend
	       Easy Eddy, you know, the one that turned you <Al> down in high
	       school."

	<Marcie holds up dress Steve brought in>
	Steve: " I was in a hurry so I grabbed the first thing I saw."
	Al:    " I did that. That's how I ended up with Peg."

	<Marcie comes down in shrunked dress>
	Peg: <to Marcie>"Just go in there and show 'em what you've got."
	Al:  " That's how Peg got me."

	Marcie: " It sounds like you've got alot of memories 
		  there < Johnny B. Goode's>."
	Peg:	" More than anywhere else. After all, that's where I met the
		  man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with...and I met
		  Al there, too."




Episode 201: Buck can do it
---------------------------
	Peg: " I want you to do something for me that you've been promising
	       for a long time."
	Al:  " What's that you say, Peg? I'm sorry. It's just this darn
	       headache."
	Peg: " Not that. I meant something that requires movement on your
	       part. I want you to fix the back fence."
	Al:  " Wait a minute. Why should I fix it? It wasn't me who said 
	       'Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against a fence.'
	       It wasn't meant to support a 200 pound woman with a keg under
	       each arm."

	Peg: " The kids are getting old enough to realize it's not your
	       part time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer
	       cans. Now you won't even fix the fence. What kind of example
	       is that for them?"
	Al:  " If we are an example to the kids, Bud will get a job that will
	       slowly kill him and Kelly, she'll grow up to believe that a 
	       2 income family is a house with 2 husbands."

	Peg: " I'm talking about the fence. Remember you said Buck couldn't
	       find his way out. Well, he found his way out and he's knocked 
	       up every dog in the neighborhood."
	Al:  " That's rediculous, Peg. He's a lifeless lump."
	Peg: " We had two kids."
	Al:  " Then my work is done...How can that be? He tips over when
	       he lifts his leg."

	Guy: " Keep your daughter away from my son."
	Al:  " She was probably just borrowing a dress."
	
	Al: " Steve, we were put on this earth to roam, to conquer, to rule.
	      Then we got married and it was all over for us."

	<Buck's getting fixed>
	Peg: " Marcie suggested a vet that's close to us &, guess what, it's
	       a woman."
	Al:  " What's she do? Nag them 'til they fall off."

	Steve:  " All you have to do is take a pill."
	Marcie: " The pill could be dangerous."
	Steve:  " So could I if you try to rewire my plumbing."
	Al:     " Isn't this great. Buck's keeping his and Steve's losing his."




Episode 202: Dumpwater, FL, Pt 1
--------------------------------
	Al: " We're poor so we're going to Dump Water. But remember that
	      it's a day off of work for me, a day off of school for you
	      kids, and, Peg, every day is a vacation for you, so why am
	      I talking to you."

	Kelly: " Where are we going to sleep?"
	Guy:   " She must have been really scared for her hair to turn
		 white at such a young age."
	<Bud & Kelly's room was twin beds>
	Al:    " I asked for the twin beds."

	Guy: " Remember our motto:'If we don't got it, you shoulda brought
	       it.'"
	<He asks for a tip>
	Al:  " Remember our motto:'We ain't got it.'"

	Lady: " You look like a nice couple <Al & Peg>."
	Al:   " You, too."

	Lady: " Anything else I can do for you?"
	Peg:  " Al, maybe she can bend down again & pick up your tongue."
	Al:   " Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy."

	Kelly: " Is there any real food here or do I have to stand under a 
	   	 bug light with my mouth open?"
	Bud:   " Even bumpikins have feelings."
	Guy:   " What would you like?"
	Kelly: " A bus ticket and a real family but I'd settle for a couple
	   	 of burgers."

	Peg: " Comfortable, Al?"
	Al:  " Does it matter?"
	Peg: " No, not really."
	Al:  " It's supposed to be my vacation."
	Peg: " Get to work, Al."




Episode 203: Dumpwater, FL, Pt 2
--------------------------------
        Peg: " I love you, Al"
        Al:  " Who cares? We're gonna die."

        <locals find Al asleep with his hands & a fork in his pants>
        Guy: " Be careful, the one with the powerful feet has a fork
               in his pants."

        Al: " 'Why didn't we got to Hawaii?  Why did we come here? Why did 
	      we have to take the car?' Standing here with my loving family, 
	      I wonder why I'm running from the axe."

        Al: " Delbert's the killer. I know it, you know it, and, if
              Darwin's right, they'll < townspeople > will know it
              in a million years."

        Al: " I'm going back to Chicago; where I only die a little
              every day."

        Peg:      " ...and the thing you move across the rug that goes
                    'vroom?'"
        Murderer: " A vacuum?"
        Peg:      " I feel naked without one."
        Murderer: " Then you'll defenitely have one."

        Kelly: <to Bud>"Will you stop it?"
        Bud:   " That's the first time you've ever said those words, Kel."

	Peg: " Maybe this is just one of those mystery vacations."
	Bud: " It's no mystery. Dad was just too cheap to take us somewhere
	       nice so we're gonna get butchered."

	Al: " Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell womens'
	      shoes. I was dead before I got here."

	<Al opens door on lady dressing>
	Al: " Ma'am, sorry to bother you while you're dressing but have you
	      seen a tall red haired woman...I forget her name right now but
	      the kids call her 'mom.'"

	
	


Episode 204: Al 'steals' $1 million
-----------------------------------
	<Al's all alone at home>
	Al:  " Ahh, it feels like I'm in...<Peg walks in>...hell."
	Peg: " How was your day, honey?"
	Al:  " It was fine up until now."

	Kelly: " Billy's dad...just got a Porsche."
	Bud:   " That's the thrid one on the block: Porsche, Porsche, Dodge,
	 	 Porsche."
	Al:    " We also have wage earners, wage earners...<he looks at 
		 family>...leetches, wage earners."

	Al:  " Did I tell you kids I love you today?"
	Bud: " No, dad."
	Al:  " Think about that on the way upstairs."

	Steve: " Al, you know cars. Should I get the Volvo, the Baby Benz, or
		 the BMW?"
	Al:    " The BMW is a fine car but, if you drive into a brick wall,
		 the Mercedes has air bags so...get the BMW."

	Al:  " Everybody is making money."
	Peg: " No they aren't...you're not."

	<Steve thinks of jail>
	Steve: " Al, if I'm going to be playing in the shower with maniacs,
		 you're going to be passing the soap."

	Steve: " As soon as we're behind bars, Al, I'm gonna kill you. If I
		 can't do it myself, I'm gonna make sure my boyfriend's bigger
		 than yours."

	<Door bell rings>
	Steve: " There's the long arm of the law."
	<Marcie comes in>
	Al:    " No, it's the frog legs of your wife."

	Steve: " Guess what I got under my arm."
	Al:    " Nair burn."

	Radio Announcer: " And in local news, tragedy was averted when a 
			   sobbing woman and her 2 kids were talked off the
			   roof of the Sears Tower in what was thought to be
			   Chicago's first family suicide attempt in history.
			   The woman was reported as saying,'Shoes. He sells
			   shoes.'"



Episode 205: Crime Light / No Phone
-----------------------------------
	Al: " I hate that light. It makes everything look yellow. The
	      neighborhood's ugly enough in the day. I don't want to
	      look at it at night."
	
	<Peg's on the phone>
	Al: " Who are you talking to, Peg?...It must be your mother. Tell
	      he I said 'oink.'"
	
	Al:  " The phone bill came. Let's see...There's some big fat calls to
	       Milwaukee. Peg, do you know anyone big and fat in Milwaukee?"
	Peg: <on Phone>" Hold on, mom."
	Al:  " That's right. Your mother."

	Al: " Peg, why don't you be a game show host. Someone asks for $10000.
	      You shrug your shoulders and then I come out and pay them. We 
	      can call it 'That Idiot Al.'"

	<Kelly want to leave>
	Kelly: " Bye mom. I'm off to live in the streets if you need me."
	Peg:   " OK, but I don't think I'll need you."
	Kelly: " I'm not moving back 'til we get a phone or I get married."

	Peg: " We want a phone, Al."
	Al:  " I want a life. Good luck to us all."

	Al:  " Who called 'Dial-A-Prayer?'"
	Bud: " I did but don't pay. Kelly's still here."

	Al: " Who called Vancouver? Peg, did your mother get so fat she
	      spread across the border?"

	Al: " I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I
	      got married."

	Peg: " There's one thing that's still free. Why don't you dust off
	       Mr. VanWinkle and bring him over for a visit. Sex, Al."
	Al:  " Great, the one thing I would pay for."

	Al:  " I can't sleep, what should we do?"
	Peg: " Since we aren't using the phone, we could wrap the cord
	       around your neck and tighten slowly until the sandman comes."

	Bud: " Dad, is there anything we could do to make you change your 
	       mind, like saying 'I love You,' or would you see right
	       through that?"




Episode 206: Marcie loses wedding ring, Pt 1
--------------------------------------------
	Fat lady: " It's because of guys like that that I don't wear
		    shorts anymore."
	Al:       " You sure it wasn't because of the guys with the
		    harpoons?"

	Peg: " Why don't you bring me flowers?"
	Al:  " We had sex."
	Peg: " Something I'd enjoy would be nice."

	Fat Lady: " He is undressing me with his eyes."
	Steve:    " Ma'am, that would take years."

	Peg: " You were staring at her < awesome babe > too?"
	Al:  " Yea."
	Peg: " She have nice legs?"
	Al:  " Yea."
	Peg: " She have nice breasts?"
	Al:  " Yea."
	Peg: " Do you wanna go upstairs?"
	Al:  " Yea....Wait! with you?"

	<Peg takes can of beer & baking soda out of fridge>
	Peg: " Well, emptied the fridge...I'm glad you took Marcie's advice
	       and hired a woman to fix the refrigerator."
	Al:  " I wish I could hire someone to fill it."

	Marcie: " Steve, you're just like Al. No, you're worse than Al. He's
	 	  a neanderthal sexist but he doesn't try to hide it."
	Al:	" Hide it? I'd get a t-shirt that says it."

	Marcie: " Peg, do you know what's going on under your roof?"
	Peg:	" We're roting our lives away. But the kids seem to like it."

	Marcie: " Steve and I were supposed to goto a fundraiser for my
		  womens' group."
	Al:	" Steve, was it formal? You know, 300 pound women with
		  crew cuts wearing flannel."

	<Al & Steve look at fat guy fixing fridge>
	Al: " Look at it, Steve. It's like 2 rhinos gently playing under
	      a tent."

	Al: " If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it."

	Al: " Look, Steve. It's good for women to be gone when they're mad at
	      you...It's good for women to be gone."

	<Al's talking about married women looking around>
	Al: " You don't go fishing for minnows when you have Moby Dick at 
	      home."

	Bud: " Grandma makes me dance with her."
	Al:  " Do what I do: ride on her feet."
	Bud: " Get Kelly to go. She's used to dancing with smelly old people
	       for money."

	Al: " Many a time I look at my wife sitting there much like 
	      you <Steve> and I think "Go Home." Then the horror hits me,
	      she is home. Now I'm depressed, Steve."

	Steve: " Don't you want your daughter to be appreciated for more than
	     	 her physical beauty?"
	Al:    " Let me see how I'm going to answer this. Pumpkin, come down
		 here. Now, sweetheart, tell Uncle Steve what career your
		 guidance counselor said you'd be best suited for."
	Kelly: " Lumber camp toy or the other woman."

	<Al pays repair man>
	Al: " $80 to fix a big hulking thing that doesn't work and $20 to
	      marry one."

	<Al's frig is broken>
	Al:    " 16 years ago, Peg's father came to me and said,' Here, take 
	 	 it. From me to you. It's yours. It's hardly been used.' I 
	   	 should've known something was up. Come to think of it, he 
	 	 sold me that refigerator, too."
	Steve: " Where do you think the girls went, Al?"
	Al:    " To a nice place, away."



Episode 207: Marcie loses wedding ring, Pt 2
--------------------------------------------
	<Al & Peg had sex previous night>
	Kelly: " Was there an earthquake last night. The walls were shaking
	 	 and I heard dad scream?"
	Peg:   " Well, he scares easily."
	Bud:   " I slept through it. It must have been a short one."
	Peg:   " Several short ones."

	Zorro: " I'm an exotic dancer at Troy's."
	Al:    " I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the
		 crap out of you."

	Al: <to Zorro>" Oh, and if my wife should ever lose anything down 
	    your pants, so will you."

	Al: " Women like us to look at them like slabs of beef. Do you think 
	      that they wear tights so women can say to them 'Gee, your thighs
	      look succulent?" Some do but they become gym teachers, I mean
	      women."

	Al: <to Steve>" Just when you've broken here, just when you've 
	    striped away the last ounce of her pride, just when she's bending
	    down to kiss your feet, tell her you got the ring from Al Bundy."

	Al:  " Last month when you came back from "swapping recipes" <Troy's>,
	       you were, let's say, 'horny as a toad' and I gave you some 
	       money to fix the breaks on my car, do I have any breaks, Peg?"
	Peg: " No, Al."
	Al:  " And when the kids needed money for a school project, we don't
	       really sponsor a Korean family."
	Peg: " No, Al."
	Al:  " And when Kelly needed contacts. So the big frost didn't really 
	       drive up the price of Tang. Are the kids really at your 
	       mother's or have they been sold to some Arabs?"

	<Peg & Marcie are at Troy's>
	Marcie: " We got to get backstage."
	Peg:	" We have to get something out of Zorro's pants."
	Guy:	" That old story again, Mrs. Bundy."
	Marcie: " This is an emergency."
	Guy:	" Yea, right. Listen lady. We used to let women backstage
		  until the big riot. We call it the Bundy rule."
	Marice:	" It's my wedding ring. I want it back or I'll see you in
		  court."
	Guy:	" I don't think so. You see...<guy reads from sign>...'Troy's
		  is not reponsible for valuables lost in any part of a 
		  dancer.' Once again, the Bundy rule."

	Marcie: " Steven notices everyting. Do you know what we do in bed?
	Peg:	" Yea, Bud tells us."
	Marcie: " Oh, well. Anyway, Steve and I lie in bed, put our ring
		  fingers together, stare at our wedding rings and kiss."
	Peg:	" So Bud made that up about Little Bo Peep and the Cop?"
	
	Peg:   " You ready for grandma's kids? You got you room deodorizers?"
	Kids:  " Yes, mom."
	Peg:   " Toilet seat covers?"
	Kids:  " Yes, mom."
	Peg:   " Flea and tick spray?"
	Kids:  " Yes, mom."
	Peg:   " Well, then, you're ready...<car horn sounds>...There's
		 your taxi."
	Bud:   " Please, mom, don't do this."
	Peg:   " Bud, honey, be strong. I'll see you in a couple of days."
	Kelly: " We love you mom...but not today."
	Peg:   " Oh, and remember, when you say 'hello,' grandpa is the one 
		 with hair."

	Marcie: " Any sign of Zorro?"
	Peg:    " No, but I think I slpet with Speedy Gonzalez last night."

	Steve: " I feel so guilty. Everytime I look at Marcie's face all I
		 can see is that girl's heiny. It's wrong, Al, and I feel
		 unworthy of someone like Marcie."
	Al:    " She's a special person. Oh, By the way, here's her wedding
		 ring she lost down sone guy's jock at a strip club last
		 night."



Episode 208: Kelly gets license
-------------------------------
	Kelly: " Where's daddy?"	
	Peg:   " He's getting his hair cut."
	Kelly: " He doesn't need a hair cut."
	Peg:   " I know. It's where he and his friends get together & talk
	   	 about what they could've been, so it shouldn't be long."

	Al:  " Peg, sell the house."
	Peg: " Why, did you find a shirt you want to buy?"
	Al:  " Yea, it said 'Congratulate me. The Wife's dead.'"

	Al: " You're such a help, Peg. That's like the old saying,'Behind
	      every empty shell of a man stands one of your relatives.'"

	Kelly: " Dad got a ticket for a broken tail light. Then he got
	 	 another one 'cos his license expired last month."
	Peg:   " That means it was your birthday last month. Happy birthday,
	 	 honey."

	<Bud quizzes Kelly>
	Bud:   " OK, Kel. An old man pulls up beside you on the street and
	 	 offers you a dollar. Do you:
			A: ignore him and keep walking
			B: call the police
			C: do what you usually do"
	
	Bud: " Being without a license, dad, does it make you feel any less
	       of a man?"
	Al:  " No, son, that's your mother's job."

	Steve: " How come you aren't at the track?"
	Al:    " For the same reason I'm not out with a sleazy blonde, I'm
		 married with children."

	Steve: " Peg, you've got the greatest husband in the world."
	Peg:   " Why, what happened to Al?"




Episode 209: The Bundy's go bowling
-----------------------------------
	<the  Rhoade's are at the door>
	Al: <opens door>"There goes my day!"

	Peg:   " All you have to do is bowl and be a Bundy."
	Steve: " Fat chance, only if I swing from a vine and marry Cheetah."
	Al:    " We'll Bundy you up."
	Steve: " I don't want you to Bundy me up. What if I don't come back?"

	Bud:   " You're dirt, Kel."
	Kelly: " Yes, but everybody knows it."

	Steve:  " Bud, are your folks in. I want to ask them if I could be an
		  adopted Bundy. That would explain my hygeine, grammar, and
	 	  my ability to walk upright."

	Guy: " Who is this <Steve>?"
	Peg: " That's cousin Steve."
	Guy: " He's not a Bundy. I smell a ringer."
	<Steve burps>
	Guy: " My mistake. He's a Bundy."
 
	Al:  " Strike!!"
	Peg: " Can you do it again?"
	Al:  " That's all I ever hear from you."



Episode 210: Steve's beard
--------------------------
	Bud:   " When I get married, no wife of mine is going to tell me 
		 what to do."
	Kelly: " She's just going to go 'baaaa.'"
	Bud:   " Oh, yeah. Everyone make fun of me 'cos I'm the only virgin
		 in the house."
	<Al & Peg look at Kelly>
	Kelly: <looking sheepishly>" That's not true."
	Bud:   " Naaaa."

	Marcie: " Peg, what would you do if Al didn't come home for 5 days?"
	Peg:	" Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother
		  and travel."
	
	<Al comes in and bucket falls on his head>
	Peg:	" Al, did you have to come home?"
	Al:	" Well, the summer house was closed up. The yacht was in
		  dry dock. So I figured, what the hell, I'll goto the
		  ghetto home."
	Marcie: " We're waiting for Steve."
	Al:	" So the bucket of death wasn't meant for me."

	<Marcie won't touch Steve while he has his beard>
	Al:  " A beard, eh..."
	Peg: " It won't work, Al. I don't look at your face anyway."

	Steve: " If you're going to watch TV remember I go to bed at 10:30.
	Al:    " 10:30? But that's when Peg goes to bed. I'll have to go up
		 with her."
	Steve: " I hate to punish Peggy but I need my sleep."

	Marcie: " I'm not going to go against my principles for an hour and
		  a half of pleasure."
	Peg:	" An hour and a half. If you add up all the sex that Al and
		  I have ever had, it doesn't add up to an hour and a half...
		  of pleasure, anyway."

	Al:    " Nature played a cruel trick on us."
	Steve: " They did move us next door to each other."
	Al:    " Well, two. But I'm talking about the one that keeps us men
	         from ruling the Earth.  Men have an urge but women have the 
	 	 answer. That's not much but it's all they need."

	Al: " They <women> have the same urges. We <men> can do the job and
	      they can't take a battery home to meet the parents."

	Peg:    " When you pick him <Steve> up for the Banker's Ball, wear the
		  sleasiest outfit you can find. I'll loan you something."
	Marcie: " Our marriage isn't based on that."
	Peg:    " Then what does it mean when you're screaming 'Oh God, Oh 
		  God, Oh God' yet you never go to church."

	Peg: " Nature played a cruel trick on men. They gave them a source of
	       pleasure but, in order for it to work, the blood has to leave
	       the brain. It leaves them confused, disoriented. It wants to
	       enter into negotiations. The brain needs the blood back.
	       It needs it to go to work to pay for all
	       those things agreed to a moment before. We may not have upper
	       body strength but we do have sexual kryptonite."

	<Steve's horny>
	Al:    " I have a gift for you. A special gift. I didn't want to do
		 this until it was absolutely necessary. Sit down. Clear
		 your mind and think of Marcie."
	<Al shows mother-in-law's picture to Steve>
	Al:    " Here's a picture of my mother-in-law."
	Steve: " Aaaaaaah."
	Al:    " Everybody says that. That's her bending over at the beach. 
		 Summer 1971. Notice the perspiration percolating 
	 	 in the folds of her stomach. You may wonder why her upper
		 arms are blurry. There was a breeze, we caught them in
		 mid-flap."

	Steve: " I came over to apologize for all the noise you may have
		 heard list night."
	Peg:   " Don't worry. We didn't hear a word. Especially when
	 	 Marcie said 'I don't care how lonely Mr. Mike is.'"

	Al:  " Peg, you know those little brown potatoes that Steve makes.
	       Can you do that?"
	Peg: " Al, you know about making love for an hour and a half like
	       Steve does? Can you do that?" 


Episode 211: Kelly goes to get a tattoo
---------------------------------------
	NOTE: The 'N' in Al's uniform is backwards.

	Al: " It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking
	      waste of time."

	Al: " If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made
	      them men."

	Al: " Your mom could lose a grounder in the sun."

	Al:    " I might not be around forever."
	Kelly: " That's what mom says."
	Al:    " Your mom's the reason I might not be around."

	Al: " Guys may come and guys may go, but daddy's always daddy...
	      well, at least until he jumps a freight train."

	Al:  < to Kelly's boyfriend >"Drink all my juice did you?"
	Bud: " You know that juice gives him the energy he needs to fight
	       infection < as he looks at Kelly >"
	
	Al: " Society somehow separated the sexes. It made some people women.
	      I don't know why. I'd rather be dead. It made women weaker.
	      They're meant to do things for men. Men aren't made to do
	      things for women...until they're married and the law makes
	      them."

	Al:  " Where's the tattoo parlor?"
	Bud: " Next to the club that says 'Girls, Girls, Girls.' You go..."
	Al:  " I know where it is."

	Kelly: " I love everything about him: his hair, his breath..."
	Peg:   " There goes the myth that a girl wants a guy like her
		 mother has."
	Al:    " How about a guy like her mother's dad...you know, the
		 chronically unemployed."

	Peg:   " You look familiar. Do I know you?"
	Brian: " I'm not sure. I work at the market."
	Al:    " Then she definitely doesn't know you."

	<New Market Mallers lost in softball to nuns>
	Peg: " You told the sister,'Bless this, sister.'"
	Al:  " I may not know all the religious gestures but I recognized
	       the one she gave me."

	<Al goes after Brian's dad & sees the mom>
	Al: " She came out of the kitchen. Her face was in a jello mold.
	      Her mumu was split so she could fit into it. Peg, she had no
	      knees. So I let him live. I thought it was the worst I could
	      do to him."



Episode 212: Art student stays over
-----------------------------------
        <Babe comes in>
        Al: <to Bud>"This isn't a present for you. It's for Daddy."

	Al: <to Tiffany>"There are so many things we want to know.
            Where are you from? What are your plans? And when did
            you stop wearing a bra?"

        Al:  " Tiffany, can I get you anything: food, water,..."
        Peg: " An old man drooling on you."

        Steve: " When it's all said and done, the 1 true erogenous zone
                 is right here <the head>."
        Al:    " Not many guys go around pinching women's heads."

        Marcie: " Steve won't touch me."
        Peg:    " Do what we girls do. Go shopping, get some bon-bons and
                  re-adjust the shower heads."

        Peg: <to Al>" We've learned so much. Like you won't die if we do
             it more than once a month."

	Al:  " I have news that'll mke your life easier."
	Peg: " You got a night job?"
	Al:  " I've already got one of those. It's called 'Getting in Bed
	       with You.'"
	Peg: " Well, then. You've been missing work."
	
	<Peg sets the table>
	Al: " Are we having dinner or are you jsut testing me and the kids?"

	<Al's in basement & Peg's friends walk in>
	Al: " There's plaster falling on my head."

	Peg: " They say the sun's going to supernova tomorrow and that we
	       should have sex before it happens."
	Al:  " I don't have time. I have to go looting."
	Peg: " Unlike you, the sun will be up in the morning."

	Peg: " We must put an end to global warming. We must buckle up for
	       safety. But when it comes to Peggy Bundy getting it on a 
	       regular basis, we must go with the flow."



Episode 213: It's a Bundy Christmas 
-----------------------------------
	Kelly: " Dad, why don't we get Bud one of these scratching posts to 
	      	 rub against? You know, it'll save the furniture."
	Bud:   " You really wanna save the furniture Kel? Why don't you stop 
	 	 putting notches on your bed posts?"
	Al:    " Now Bud, apologize to your sister."
	Bud:   " No."
	Al:    " Okay."

	Al:    " Family, before you go shopping, would you bring old daddys
        	 shotgun and stand close together?"

	Al:    " Oh come on, that's not what Christmas is about. Christmas
        	 is about family and giving. Okay, here is all the crap my 
        	 family gave us last year. It's time for the traditional
        	 re-wrapping of this garbage for your family."

	Al:    " That's about it for Christmas this year."
	Kelly: " Aren't you forgetting something greatest daddy in the world?"
	Bud:   " Coolest dad in the universe."
	Peg:   " You, who makes my life worth living?"
	Al:    " You all want your presents, don't you?"
	Peg:   " No, we really love you."

	Delivery Boy: " Hi, do the Rhoades live here?"
	Peg:          " Why?"
	Delivery Boy: " I have a delivery for them."
	Peg:          " Oh yes, I'm Mrs. Rhoades. Oh thank you...
               		<Delivery Boy wants a tip>...
               		Oh gee, I don't have any change. Bud could you take
               	        care of that please?...
               		<Bud slams the door in delivery boys face>...
               		Thank you dear. Look kids what we got from ... the
               		Schmidts from Philadelphia...
               		<Al comes in>...  
               		Look honey what we've got from the Schmidts."
	Al:           " Ahh, they're good people."


	<Al comes home without presents>
	Al: " Well you know, even when we didn't have too much, we could always
     	      look at the poor people, that were less fortune than us and 
	      feel better. Well, let's find a mirror."

	Peg: " Al, Christmas without presents will be like our birthdays."
	Al:  " Happy Birthday, hon."

	<the Rhoades come in>
	Marcy: " Delivery from Santa for the Bundys."
	Peg:   " Oh gee, well thank you. Good thing they're labeled, wouldn't
	         wanna get them mixed up with the presents Al gave us."
	Marcy: " What did Peggy get you Al?"
	Al:    " Her regularity ... and these two <points at kids>."

	<Santa has crash-landed in the Bundys backyard>
	Coroner: " Did you know the deceased?"
	Peg:     " You know, I've read about him in books. But in books he is
                   usually going up."
	Coroner: " So that's a `No`. Did anyone actually see him fall?"
	Bud:     " I wish."


	<Buck plays with a red shoe>
	Steve:   " Is that your shoe Al?"
	Al:      " Nope."
	Marcy:   " Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,..."
	Coroner: " You know Mr. Bundy, that's evidence. Ah what the hell, it's
          	   Christmas, let him keep it."

	Marcy: " Santa is gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again."
	Kelly: " Well, you're in the right place."
	Peg:   " Oh come one Marcy, these things happen. Cheer up, it could
        	 have been worse, he could have landed on the picket fence."

	Coroner: " Hey, this bag of Santa is getting pretty heavy over here."
	Peg:     " Oh, put him over by the presents. There's plenty of space 
	           there."

	<A bunch of kids is waiting outside to see Santa>
	Al:  " I`m rolling him (Santa) out right now."
	Peg: " Al, they're children."
	Al:  " Well, this will grow 'em up."

	Coroner: " You know, Pizza, that always reminds me of my first day on 
	           the job."

	<Girl jumps on Al's (disguised as Santa) lap>
	Al: " Ahhhhhh, don't jump on Santas lap too hard little girl. 
	      Mrs. Claus won't like that."
 
	Al:    " All dead guys and non-relatives out."
	Bud:   " So long Kel."
	Kelly: " Yeah, as if they really intended to have you."
	Peg:   " Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't 
	         plan on."

	<door bell rings>
	Al: " Oh great, probably an elf with a knife in his back."

	Mallman: " I'm from the Lakeside Mall and I just wanted to offer our 
	           apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused you."
	Al:      " Hey, no problem, no inconvenience. You just took all my 
	           business, cost me my bonus, made my family hate me, ..."
	Peg:     " That's right."
	Al:      " ... and on top of all that, you slam-dunk Santa into my 
	           backyard."

	Coroner: " You know Bundy, you're a decent guy. So here is a little 
	           hint from me to you: Don't die with your jewelery on."

	<Something falls in the backyard again>
	Kelly: " What's that?"
	Al:    " I don't know. But if it is dead and has a red nose,we throw it
        	 in Steve and Marcy's yard."

	Bud:   " Can we go to the new mall?"
	Al:    " That mall is killing your father."
	Kelly: " I thought mom is."

	<Coroner tries to take dead Santa out of house & kids are there>
	Coroner: " Oh-oh"
	Al:      " What's the matter now? The Easter Bunny hang himself
		   in the front yard"

	<Al's playing Santa>
	Al:  " What do you want?"
	Kid: " A horse"
	Al:  " Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the
	       neighborhood except those nice Bundy's...I'll get you a horse
	       and if it isn't there in the morning, it's becasue your mom
	       hunted it down and killed it."



Episode 214: Al & Steve collect baseball cards
----------------------------------------------
	Bud: <to Kelly>"When's mom and dad gonna realize you're stupid
	     and leave you alone."

	Peg: " We saw your book report entitled: 'Brazil: the Land of
	       rubber and sunshine.' Why is there a picture of your 
	       sister in a bikini."
	Bud: " It illustrates the easy sex in Brazil? How did I do?"
	Peg: " Like your father in life, you failed."

	Peg: " He <Bud> needs a hobby. Somthing you can show him, Al.
	       You can't teach balding. He already knows how to go to
	       the bathroom and he's too young to drink."

	Steve: " He <Bud> could come with you in the morning & steal my
		 paper."
	Al:    " My mornings are for me."
	
	Steve: " When I was young, I collected baseball cards. I had a
		 great collection 'til my mom threw them away."
	Al:    " It's the greatest hobby but women just don't get it."
	Peg:   " No, what I don't get is sex."

	Peg: " Men are such idiots and I married their king."

	Marcie: " I didn't need them <boys>. I had Barbie."
	Peg:    " And I had a very special bath toy."
	
	Kelly: " I had a meeting with the principal. A 3 hour meeting. A
		 3 hour meeting. I told him you mistakenly confused 
		 Robinson Caruso and Gilligan's Island. But he said, 'Even
		 you, Miss Bundy, aren't that stupid.'"
	Bud:   " But we proved them wrong, didn't we."

	Peg: " Al, take Marcie upstairs to our room and let her cry on our
	       bed. Lord knows it's used to tears."
	Al:  " Both sides, Peg. Both sides."

	Peg: " I don't think they <Rhoades> should have kids."
	Al:  " I don't think anyone should."




Episode 215: A mouse is loose
-----------------------------
	Bud:   " Did you hear noises last night?"
	Peg:   " Daddy had gas last night."
	Bud:   " No, it's a sound I've never heard before."
	Kelly: " It could've been a girl moaning your name."

	Kelly: " Bud, you should be a model. I can see it now. Your face on a
		 poster along with the caption 'My Father Should've Used A
		 Condom.'"

	Al: " I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight
	      pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.
	      Then it wanted a kiss. By the way, where is your mother?"

	Peg: " I've never been so scared in all my life."
	Al:  " Did you see the vacuum?"

	Peg: " A mouse...kill it."
	Al:  " Don't worry. Once it sees how we live, it'll go away. I know
	       I would."

	Peg: " Hold me."
	Al:  " Why? I didn't do anything wrong."
	
	Kelly: " A mouse trap in my room?"
	Bud:   " The guys under the bed object, Kel?"

	Kelly: " What will my friends say?"
	Al:    " 'Unlike your dad, the mouse will eat before it dies.'"

	Al: " With you 3 here, it makes me wonder why I'm hunting the mouse."

	Al: " Just once I'd like to hear ' Al, I'm outta here and I'm taking 
	      the kids.'" On the good side, life's half over."

	Al: " I'll torture it. I'll throw it against the wall. I'll stomp on
	      it. And if there's an ounce of life left in it's body, I'll
	      strap it in a chair, tape it's eyelids open and make it watch
	      'ThirtySomething.'" No mouse doodies on Al Bundy's shoes and
	      lives."

	Al:  " I can hear him laughing at me because he thinks he has me."
	Peg: " No, he's laughing 'cos he knows I got you."
	Al:  " I have no insurance. You must be killing me for the sport."

	Peg: " Why can't men just utter the words 'I don't know how?' Even
	       on our honeymoon, Al just wouldn't admit it."




Episode 216: Buck gets a credit card
------------------------------------
	Peg: " I think we forgot something. Bud, give me the shopping list...
	       egss, bread, milk...That's it. We forgot to do the grocery
	       shopping."

	Al:  " Where's Kelly?"
	Bud: " She's out on a double date...Her and two guys."

	<Al opens a package>
	Al:  " Yodelin' Andy yodels the blues. Yodelin' Andy yodels the 
	       hits. The Best of Yodelin' Andy. Yodelin' Andy's bill for
	       $117.
	<Al looks at Peg>
	Peg: " Get real."
	<..at Bud>
	Bud: " That's all my record collection needs..."
	Al:  " It's not Kelly. Our names are spelled right."

	<Al works in a kitchen to pay dinner bill>
	Al: " When I was heading to the lobster house with Sven, I asked 
	      him if it was all worth it. He said,'When it's for the family,
	      it's always worth it.' He also said a lobster couldn't pinch
	      through an athletic supporter...Sven was 0 for 2 today."

	Al:  " How am I going to pay for all this?"
	Peg: " If you didn't eat that grilled cheese sandwich, you could
	       use your credit card."
	Al:  " If your father hadn't laced the vermouth, we'd still be
	       single."

	Peg: " You're just jealous of the dog."
	Al:  " I'm jealous of everyone not married to you."

	Al: " Money changes you. Here we are in the same room together and I
	      haven't once thought of going into the garage, starting the
	      car, and letting the engine purr me to sleep."

	Al:  " We could go to a fancy hotel and only be 20 minutes away."
	Peg: " Could we, Al?"
	Al:  " As long as I'm not paying for it, nothing's too good for
	       my wife."

	<Old guy has babe for a wife>
	Al:  " You old dog, you."
	Guy: " I could say the same about you."
	Al:  " You could say the same about her <Peg>."



Episode 218: A night at the shoe store
--------------------------------------
	Bud: " So may women, so little time."
	Al:  " Only one woman, too much time."

	Kelly: " He's <rock star> got a house in Jamaice. Do you know
		 what I'd do for a house in Jamaice?"
	Bud:   " The same thing you do for a dinner and a movie."

	<Al looks at Kelly's report card>
	Al: " F, F, F, D. What happened Kelly, you attend one?"

	Peg: " $1750 a job <she points to exterminator>, $1750 a year
	       <points at Al>, smart <exterminator>, dumb <Al>, winner
	       <exterminator>, loser <Al>."
	Al:  " Suicide <Al>, reason <Peg>."

	<3 babes walk into store>
	Peg: " We're closed."
	Al:  " We've never been more open. Peg, how can I disappoint the
	       ladies?"
	Peg: " Have sex with them."
	Al:  " I intend to."

	Babe 1: <to Babe 3>" I dodn't know how to explain it. I think it's
	        called nymphomania."
	<Al moves to measure foot to Babe 1>
	Babe 2: " Shouldn't you be measuring my foot since I'm the one buying
		  the shoes?"
	Al:     " But she's the nymphomaniac."

	Fat Lady: " I need shoes."
	Al:	  " The blacksmith's right around the corner."

	Al: " We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over."

	<Kelly's pretending to be manequin. Al wakes up & heads to bathroom>
	Al: " Damn manequins look like hookers."



Episode 219: Marcie wrecks Steve's Mercedes
-------------------------------------------
        Steve: " My car, she touched it. Now it doesn't feel like mine
                 anymore."
        Al:    " I feel that way about several parts of my body."

        Peg:    " Al, why can't you be more like Steve?"
        Marcie: " ...and he's impotent!"
        Peg:    " You are like Steve."

        Marcie: " We tried 6 times last night."
        Peg:    " Did you hear that, Al? 6 times."
        Al:     " I could fail six times in one night, too...Let's analyze
                  this, the first time you tried, was the light on?"
        Marcie: " Yes."
        Al:     " There you go, he saw you."

        Al: " Hey, Steve, what's up...oops."

        Marcie: <about Steve>"You were once a mighty oak and now..."
        Al:     " You're a hanging vine."

        Marcie: " I need to know how to turn on a man."
        Al:     " I'm not a plastic surgeon but I'll do what I can."

        <door bell rings>
        Al: " Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless: It
              could be worse' Tour."

        Marcie: " Does Al allow you to drive his car?"
        Peg:    " A few times. Once the car didn't have any brakes and
                  someone had to take it to the shop."
        Marcie: " Peggy, can I borrow your car? I gotta go to the
                  supermarket."
        Peg:    " My car doesn't go there."

        Peg: " The only time Al & I spent a weekend in the bedroom was when
               we had to hide from the kids 'cos we forgot it was
               Christmas."

        Marcie: " Steve's impotent."
        Peg:    " Give it time. I thought Al had that problem in '74 but, by
                  '79, it had cleared up."

        Al:     " Women, what are they good for? 2 C's: cooking and kitchen."
        Marcie: " Al, I'm amazed your knuckels don't bleed when you walk."

        Marcie: <to Al>"There may be something alive with fewer brain cells
                than you but wherever, or whatever, it is, I bet it's name is
                Bundy."

        Al: " I didn't sleep a wink last night with Steve's car alarm going
              off. Of course, it woke your mom and I had to talk to her. Kids,
              you almost lost your dad last night."

        Peg: <to Marcie>" You're lucky. The thing you can't touch is in the 
             garage. Mine's in the bedroom."

        Steve: " It took me weeks to fix the seat just like I like it. Almost
                 as long as it took me to fix the mirrors and set my
                 favorite stations on the radio."
        Al:    " How long will it take you to fix the fire hydrant shaped hole
                 in the passenger's side...Oops, spoled Marcie's surprise."
        Peg:   " Al, did you have to tell him?"
        Al:    " You betcha."

        Steve: " Al, I've got to thank you. This impotance scheme of yours
                 has given me a wife I never knew I had. Let me tell you. It
                 was rough faking failure. Trying to figure out why Bruce
                 Willis is a star really helps.
        Al:    " I've got a million of 'em."

        Marcie: " If sorry if Steve's car alarm kept you up. It's his first
                  night away from his new Mercedes. The slightest touch and it
                  goes off all night."
        Peg:    " Does it have a brother?"

        Peg:    < to Marcie >" So, how did Steve's Mercedes drive?"
        Al:     " You drove Steve's car? What did you hit?"
        Marcie: " You may be surprised but women today are race car drivers,
                  astronauts and pilots. We're just as good as men."
        Al:     " So, what did you hit?"
        Marcie: " A fire hydrant."




 


Episode 221: Al hides from money Peg
------------------------------------
	<Peg passing on these words of wisdom to Marcie>
	Peg: " My mother once told me, 'Why feed a man once when you
     	       can feed yourself twice.' and, if you're going to rot in
	       hell, your husband should burn beside you."

	Peg: " Kelly, here's 5 dollars. Bud?"
	Bud: " Going by the 'double for virgins' rule, $10."

	Al:  " Peg, have you seen my wallet?"
	Peg: " What does it look like?"
	Al:  " Old, wrinkled, and empty. Like my life."
	
	<Peg & the kids are sitting on the couch>
	Al: " Peg, showing the kids what you do all day?"
	
	Peg: " Why did I marry you? It couldn't have been for the money."
	Al:  " It must have been that old family tradition: marry a man,
	       ruin his dreams, and move on."

	Al: " Do you know what happens if I tell Peg <about the winnings>...
	      Steve, meet Peg <Al holds up vacuum>...Peg, I won some money.
	      <Al holds up money and vacuum sucks it in>"

	<Babe comes in shoe store>
	Babe: " I was in last week. Remember me?"
	Al:   " Nightly...I mean, vaguely."
	Babe: " I want you."
	Al:   " I'm married."
	Babe: " Perfect, that means you're already broken in."

        <Al has money>
        Al: " I gotta hide this where Peg'll never find it."
        <he puts it down his pants>
        Al: " Nah, too much down there already...Ah, dirty laundry, 
              she'll never look there."

        Peg:   " Dad has money."
        Kelly: " I noticed he wasn't studying roadmaps and fondling
                 his car keys like usual."
        Bud:   " I noticed when he shaved today and didn't pause at the
                 jugular."

        Marcie: " What's wrong with Al? I saw him pulling out and he 
                  didn't aim the car at me and gun it."

        Steve: " I can't stand the way Marcie looks at me with trust."
        Al:    " Most people confuse that look with the 'keep the checks
                 coming or you're outta here' look."

        Al:  " Why don't you come down here?"
        Peg: " I wanna cuddle. We haven't done that in a long time."
        Al:  " Let's do something I wanna do."
        Peg: " I don't wanna dig in my ear and look like an idiot."




Episode 222: Peg's family comes to visit
----------------------------------------
	<Al went over to the Rhodes 'cos Peg's family is staying over>
	Marcy: " Al, do you know the difference between Steves mother and
        	 a bowling ball?"
	Al:    " No, what?"
	Marcy: " A bowling ball has no beard."

	<about Peg's family>
	Peg: " You can't leave during a family crisis."
	Al:  " This is no family. This is a lab experiment."
 
	Peg: " We have to talk."
	Al:  " I'm broke and I'm blind. What do we ave to talk about?"
	Peg: " You haven't been very kind to them < her family >"
	Al:  " Neither has nature, go talk to it."

	Al: " You may wonder why my house is tilting. Peg's family is in
	      town. 6 of 'em, 12 of you count her mother."

	Bud:   " Kelly has some indoor / outdoor records of her own. In
		 fact, she's so good she's about to turn pro."
	Kelly: " And think, Bud will never be bald. He'll always have the
		 hair on the palm of his hands."

  	Al:  <to Peg's family>" Go home!"
 	Peg: " A good start, Al, but show them that you care!"
  	Al:  " Ok, go home and drive carefully!"



Episode 301: Camping trip
-------------------------
	Steve: " They <the animals> want our women.
	Al:    " Well, then our women they shall have!

	<Girls are having their periods. Marcie yells at Steve>
	Al:  " Be thankful, yours just kills, it's quick and easy. Mine, like
	       the black widow, likes to mate first."

	Peg: " Men, the one thing they're good for, they're not good at."

	Al:  " You ignore the kids. You neglect the house. Yet you find time
	       to let the food get cold before you serve it. Peg, how do you
	       do it?"
	Peg: " I just care more about me than you and the kids."
	Al:  <to Peg>"Times like this make me wanna take you upstairs and 
	     plug that hole in the roof."

	Al: " This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids & I'll see you
	      in a week."

	Peg: " You promised to do all the jobs that you never did, like
	       consumate marriage...nah, that's more of a do-it-yourself
	       job."

	<doorbell rings, Steve's at door>
	Al:    " Oh, Geez, it must be my lucky day."
	Steve: " What's they do? Raise the minimum wage?"

	Al: <to Kelly>"If you throw down the fishing rods, they break. If
	    they break, daddy can't go fishing. If daddy can't go fishing,
	    he's stuck with mommy. And if he's stuck with mommy, no one 
	    gets outta here alive."

	Peg: " It's Kelly's time of the month."
	Al:  " Why'd we bring her then?"
	Bud: " Squeek through another month, eh, Kel?"

	Al: " Do you know why they have their periods? They know we're gonna
	      have fun. Before men, women didn't have periods."

	Al: " Something big came out of the woods crashing through the brush.
	      I thought it was you, Peg, but it didn't want my wallet."

	Steve: " They <animals> can sense when women are..."
	Al:    " Killing their husbands?"

	Al: " We have the cast of Bambi out there and in here we have some 
	      of the 7 dwarfs: Puffy, Crabby, and Horny.

	Marcie: " I know. Let's go on a nature hike. We can look at all the
		  flowers and take pictures of the wildlife."
	Al:	" Then we'll all get naked and sing 'This Land is Your Land.'"

	Marcie: " The air smells great."
	Peg:    " Get used to it now. Once Al settles in, the shoes come off."

	Al:  " Bud, go say something nice to your sister."
	Bud: " But I don't even like her."
	Al:  " Who does? Just go."



Episode 302: The Little Engine that Could
-----------------------------------------
	<Al shows his trophies>
	Al:  " Pop Warner MVP <big trophy>, Little League MVP <big>. I was just
	       a bit younger than Bud. Then I met Peg. Co-ed Softball
	       participant <little>, Rookie-of-the-year Shoe Salesman 1965
	       <little>. Notice how they're getting smaller."
	Peg: " Everything about him is."
	Al:  " Yea, and you weren't the cause for that either."

	Fat Librarian: " Could it be that you don't have the money. Could it be
			 that you're a failure like I always knew you'd be."
	Al:	       " Could it be that the nails that hold you chair 
			 together are from the planet Krypton."

	Fat Librarian: " You've become the Freddie Krueger of the library
			 system."
	Al:	       " Does 'suey' mean anything to you?"

	Fat Librarian: " I could've retired 15 years ago. Do you know why I
			 stayed?"
	Al:	       " You learned to eat library books."




Episode 303: Peg sees Elvis
---------------------------
	Peg: " I saw Elvis."
	Al:  " There's only one dead guy in this mall and you're looking
	       at him."

	Fat Lady: " Your ad said 'Shoes to fit every foot.'"
	Al:	  " What we have here is not what Webster defines as feet.
		    Face it, we have rib roasts with nails."

	Al: " As I was vacuuming my shirt this morning, I said to myself,'
	      Hey, I got a wife. I have to. Why else wouldn't I care?'"

	<The Bundy house turns into an Elvis shrine>
	Al:    " Go to your room."
	Kelly: " I can't. It's our 'Heartbreak Hotel.'"

	Peg: " Here it is, my time in the sun and you're <Al> a total
	       eclipse."

	Steve: " I'm suing you. My wife won't leave your house."
	Al:    " Neither will mine but they threw my case out of court."

	Steve: " You know what we say at the bank,'When opportunity knocks,
		 that's us foreclosing.'"

	Marcie: " Elvis was a sex symbol. With men today being the way 
		  they are, it's no wonder we look towards the dead for
		  excitement."

	<Peg folds Al's shirts>
	Marcie: " Look at the stain! It's the King!"
	Peg:    " It's a good one but not one of Al's best."
	Marcie: " No, look at it. Al sweated Elvis."
	
	Al: " Now that Elvis is in our presence, let's do something he
	      liked to do to honor him: let's eat....No, I'll do something
	      Al Bundy likes to do < he grab's paper and heads towards 
	      bathroom>...Oh, I'll let you know if I conjure up any
	      superstars."

	<Marcie check Al's arm pits>
	Al: " Peg, just like I said on our honeymoon,'What's going on
	      here?'"

	Al: " Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?"

	Steve: " Why do women see Elvis? At least men see something
		 useful like UFO's."
	Al:    " Men see UFO's because they have to. It's our way
		 out. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Hopefully
		 it will be on garbage day. A beautiful Martian babe with 
		 3 hooters will come out. She'll say,'I can't speak. I 
		 have no parents and I don't know what good sex is.'"
	Steve: " What's the third hooter for?"
	Al:    " It's on the back for dancing."

	Peg: " Al, you sweat Elvis."
	Al:  " If Elvis was married to you, he'd sweat me."




Episode 304: Kelly becomes a cheerleader
----------------------------------------
In this episode, you find out that the Bundy's phone number is 555-2878.

	Peg: " Now you can do your chores."
	Al:  " Wait a minute, Peg. We had sex 3 nights ago."
	Peg: " The garbage, Al. The longer of the two jobs."
	Al:  " And the more rewarding."

	<Al picks up garbage bag & it breaks>
	Peg: " Way to go, Al."
	Al:  " Thanks, Peg. Now it's exactly like sex."

	Kelly: " Once I can't get a man, I'm nothing."
	Bud:   " No, once your lips stop saying 'yes' and your eyes stop
		 saying 'duh,' you're nothing."

	Kelly: " If it was as easy for me as Bud: A Penthouse, a nightlight,
	 	 and a pillow named Shirley."

	<Bud tutors football player>
	Bud: " Now that we've conquered literature, let's move on to
	       spelling. First word...<Kelly comes downstairs>...'tramp.'"

	Guy: " I play fullback."
	Al:  " Back in my days, we went both ways."
	Guy: " Alot of the guys today go both ways but not me, I like girls."

	Bud:   " Give it up, Kel. You're not his type."
	Kelly: " I'm everybody's type."
	
	<Kelly is a cheerleader>
	Peg:    " Look at Kelly. I'm so proud of her. She's kicking her legs
		  higher than anyone else."
	Marcie: " But the others are standing up."

	<Other school goes for the win>
	Al: <praying>" Please give me this one. I haven't asked for much...
	    <Al looks at Peg>...and you haven't given me much."

	Kelly: " Hey, no-life. I need you to help me get this guy."
	Bud:   " What's wrong? The break-away blouse not working."

	Kelly: " Remember me. We met in the boys shower yesterday."
	Guy:   " Yes, you're the 'soup girl.'"
	Kelly: " No. 'Soap.' S-O-P-E."



Episode 305: Al builds a bathroom
---------------------------------
	Al: " We are americans. We have the right to use the best toilet-
      	      system in the world."

 	Peg: <to Kelly> "Marry your own wallet!"

	Al:  " We all have to live with our disappointments...I have to
	       sleep with mine."
   	<Peg looks down>
	Peg: " Is that it's new name?"

	Al: " You <Steve> know what it's like to share a bathroom with
	      a woman, in my case, Peg. A woman ruins a bathroom: Nylons 
	      hanging from the shower, a tube of Nair where the toothpaste
	      should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around...What are they 
	      doing in there? Making a salad?"

   	<Al comes out of bathroom>
	Peg: " How was it, Al? Was it everything you dreamed?
	Al:  " I don't know.I'm constipated. I wonder if Dad had this problem?"
	Peg: " Do you want me to undercook you some chicken?"
	Al:  " Na, I need something stronger."
        <Al turns on TV: "Tonight on ABC, Rosanne,Moonlighting and Thirty
    	Something." He then picks up the newspaper and heads to the bathroom>

	Peg: " I've got an egg and some M&M's. Does anyone want breakfast?"
	Al:  " I'm still trying to digest the chicken from last night. Peg,
	       why did you buy a chicken with 3 legs?"
	Peg: " The one with 3 drumsticks was 7 cents a pound while the one
	       with 2 cost $1.19 a pound. Sorry for thinking about our
	       wallet before our health."
	Al:  " Didn't you think there was something wrong when the label said
	       'Chernobyl Farms'? How many chickens have flippers?"
	Peg: " Did you like it, Bud?"
	Bud: " Well, it was hard because every time I ate a piece, it would
	       grow back."

	Peg: " I have talents, you know."
	Al:  " In the real world, they don't give out awards for the longest
	       period by a sophomore."

	Al: " When I was growing up I had 2 dreams. One was being an
	      astronaut and landing on the planet Jane Mansfield and the other
	      was having my own bathroom. Then I crash landed on a much
	      darker planet."

	Peg:   " How was school today?"
	Kelly: " Reading, writing, false alarm, principal's office. The usual."

	Marcie: " How long will it take Al to finish the bathroom."
	Peg:  	" The book says a child can do it on 2 to 3 weeks so...6 to 8
	          months."

	Peg: " What does that toilet have that I don't?"
	Al:  " A job."

	Al:  " When people see you have a Ferguson, they think you have money."
	Peg: " And when the see you have a husband, they think you have sex."

	Bud:   " I have to go stud myself up for school."
	Kelly: " So you'll be needing your smoking jacket and matching blue
		 pampers."

	<Al's going to the bathroom>
	Bud: " Dad, you'll need your boots...It's rising like the mighty
	       Mississippi in there. From what I can tell, either you or
	       mom tried to flush Kelly's report card odown the toilet...
	       Oops, did I let the F's out of the bag?"

	Al:  " Why did we have to buy a house with only 1 bathroom?"
	Peg: " All the houses in our price range were on fire except for the 
	       little one with no kitchen I liked."

	Al:    " In my medicine cabinet, I'm just gonna have guy's stuff:
		 Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a razor."
	Steve: " Why do you need a razor when you don't have a sink?"
	Al:    " It's not for shaving, it's for piece of mind."

	Kelly: " When's dad gonna turn the power on? I wanna play some
		 records."
	Bud:   " Come on, Kel. You don't need records. You know all the
		 words. Just chant 'Oh Satan. Yeah, Satan. Satan, I'm
		 your squeeze.'"

	Kelly: " Mom, is this really our life?"
	Peg:   " I think you're old enough to know the truth. Yes, it is."





Episode 306: Peg's bra is discontinued
--------------------------------------
	Peg: " Al, am I still attractive?"
	Al:  " You're still the same knee in the groin you've always been."

	Al: <to Peg>" You look like you did when I first met you. Only
	    this time I'm not stinking drunk."

	Marcie: " What would men do if they had breasts?"
	Al:     " We wouldn't need women any more"
	Peg:    " If you had what other men had, I wouldn't need
		  batteries any more."
	Al:     " That's what happened to my DieHard."
	
	<Al & Steve are shopping for bras. Saleslady thinks their gay>
	Steve: " We're married to women."
	Al:    " If I was gay, I'd think I could do better then you."
	Steve: " What does that mean?"
	Al:    " You just don't turn me on"

	<A lady in store asks Al if her bra and panties look nice>
	Lady: " Are you straight?"
	Al:   " The hairs on my chest are."
	Lady: " Do you think my boyfriend will
	   	like this?"
	<Al shakes his head yes>
	Lady: " Or will he like it better without the bra?
	<She takes off the bra. Al gets the amazed look on his face
	 and passes out>

	<Al & Steve seen awesome babe>
	Al: " I knew women looked like that. I knew it. I knew it."

	Lady: " What's her < Peg > cup size?"
	<Al stares at her chest>
	Lady: " Sir?"
	Al:   " Sorry, I was sweating into my eyes."

	<Well built lady walks past Al>
	Al: " Let's see the Japanese build a better one of them."

	Peg: " I feel lower than I did on my honeymoon when I realized
	       that Al wasn't holding back."

	<Al, Peg, Marcy, and Steve are eating dinner>
	Peg: " Why do women need bras, anyway?"
	Al:  " To keep your breasts from falling into your plate when you
	       eat."

	Peg: " I want something new."
	Al:  " Peg, I only know how to do it one way."
	Peg: " Maybe one day you'll get it right."

	Al: " Kids, why didn't you tell me it was mom's birthday. I
	      wouldn't have come home."

	Al: <to Steve >" I gotta get peg a presant. If I don't something bad 
	    might happen. She might want affection and we both know affection
	    is only a hammer's throw away from sex."

	<Marcie makes Peg a bra>
	Marcie: " This one will hold you over until you get a new one."
	Peg:   	" That's what mother said about Al."

	<Cop is at door>
	Peg: " I'm sorry. Kelly's not here."




Episode 307: Steve's going bald
-------------------------------
	Kelly: " Mom, you don't mind when I'm playing with Bud, do you?"
	Peg:   " No, that's why we had'em."

	Steve: " Look at my head. Do you see something?
	Al:    " My reflection"

	Steve: " You're losing your hair, too"
	Al:    " You've seen my wife, my house, my kids. It's a
		 miracle my hands haven't fallen off."

	Steve: " If we lose all our hair, our wives won't love us
		 anymore."
	Al:    " There you go."

	Marcie: " I'm worried about Steve. Last night we had sex and he
		  wore a sombrero."
	Peg:    " The ribbed kind?"

	Steve: " Where there's pain, there's life. You should know that, Al"

	Peg: 	  " You were great, Al."
	Al:  	  " Leave me alone."
	Peg: 	  " Oh, come on, Al. I really, really believe is you practiced
	       	    once in a while, you could actually get good at sex. And
	            honey, you don't have to hit your head."
	Al:  	  " It's the one part that I enjoy, Peg. It keeps my mind off 
	            of what the rest of my body is going through."
	Peg:      " Well, take it from me. It's not going through much.
	Al:       " Why did I ever agree to this Tuesday night sex?"
	<Al turns on TV>
	TV Voice: "And that's it for Monday Night Football."
	<Al gives Peg a dirty look>
	Al:  	  " It isn't Tuesday night, Peg. You've done a bad thing and
	  	    must be punished."
	Peg:	  " I just wanted it to be closer to your shower night."

	<2 babes come into shoe store>
	Al: " You're not fat and don't have an attitude so you can't be 
	      looking for me. But how can I help you anyway?"

	<Al comes into B.A.D. meeting wearing a blindfold>
	Al: " I don't like this. It's like the day I got married."
	
	Bud: " Look around. If hair got you all this, Dad, let it go."

	Kelly: " I'll lend you one of my dresses."
	Bud:   " Yea, how about the one that says 'Put Em Here, Boys.'"

	Bald Guy: " ...Next time a hairy child comes up and says 'Hey, can I
	  	    rub your head for luck' tell him ' That's not what your
	 	    mother rubbed.'"



Episode 308: Al's barber dies
-----------------------------
	Bud :         " Mom, I know that Kelly is daddy's daughter, but me,
	                I was just a one-night stand with some cool guy right?"
	Kelly :       " I heard that! I'm not daddy's either!"
	Peg :         " Children, children! You're both daddy's kids..."
	< Bud & Kelly hang their heads>

	Peg: " Face it, your barber's dead."
	Al:  " Why couldn't it've been someone who wouldn't be missed, a
	       wretch of a human? Why couldn't it've been your mother?"

	Al:  " Why am I thinking they buried the wrong guy?"
	Peg: " Cheer up. Your day will come."

	Steve: " Why don't you go to my barber?"
	Al:    " Thanks, Steve. But I still care how I look."

	Peg: " Like my mother always said,'If you can't fell it, fake it.'"
	Al:  " Yea, and if you can't stand it, marry it."

	Al:     " My barber died. Where am I going to get my hair cut?"
	Marcie:	" You can do the same thing you do with your grass. Park your
		  car on it and let it die."
	Al:	" Thanks, Marcie, but much like the hair on your legs, it needs
		  a trained professional."

	Peg: " Al, you're making a big thing out of nothing. Usually, you're a
	       big thing that makes nothing."

	Marcie: " Why don't you find a guy with nice hair and ask him where he
	 	  gets his hair done?"
	Al:	" I'll compliment him on his hair, he'll complement me on my
		  bedroom eyes, then we'll live together and make terrariums.

	Marice: " Steve's worth more dead than alive."
	Peg:	" So's Al. You know, with food stamps, welfare, and all."

	<Peg needs urine and blood sample from Al for insurance>
	Peg: " The urine will be easy. I'll just put a cup five feet from the
	       bowl. The blood's the hard part."
	<Next morning: Al comes downstairs>
	Al:  " Peg, the darndest thing. My neck's bleeding and I woke up with a
	       jar between my legs."

	Al:  " I called my friends."
	Peg: " What did he say?"
	Al:  " He said,'I'm in San Quentin for killing the wife but it's worth 
	       it.'"

	Al: " I'm gonna find a real man. One who likes girls and hates women."

	Al: " They replace pinball machines with video games. What do I care if
	      a monkey can make it to the top of a building unless he's going
	      up there to throw his wife off. And have you seen cartoons 
	      lately, Peg? Remember when a mouse could hit a cat with a frying
	      pan. What do they do now? They talk it out. Do you know who's to
	      blame? Women and pacifists. And do you know where they get their
	      hair done? They go to salons.

	<Al leaves for salon>
	Al: " Al Bundy is going to get washed and blown."

	<Big breasted babe comes up>
	Girl: " I'm Murphy. How can I help you?"
	Al:   " Can you dance on tables...er, I need my hair cut."

	Kelly: " What if he looks geeky? Can we laugh?"
	Peg:   " Kelly, he's your father. Of course you can laugh...shhh, I
		 can smell him coming."

	<Al comes in with a perm>
	Peg:   " Al, you look like a fruit."
	Bud:   " You have that 'No closet can hold me' look."
	Kelly: " But you're still wearing mens clothes, aren't you?"


	<Al & friends all have stupid cuts>
	Al: " Here's what we do. We find a fire hydrant. Turn the sucker on.
	      Put our heads in the hole and we wash the gay away."


Episode 309: Madame Olga
------------------------
	Al:  " I tried to liven up the party."
	Peg: " I don't think that was the place to stand on the counter & yell,
	       'Let's wet down the wives and rate their hooters.'"
	
	Al: " I have to agree with Steve. This is the last party I'm ever going
	      to at their house."

	Bud: " We got the gas. I don't think anyone saw us. They were too busy
	       watching Buck mount Mrs. VanDerGelder's coat."

	<Buck runs upstairs with a coat>
	Kelly: " How come Buck can have a coat upstairs and I can't have boys 
	 	 in my room."

	Bud:   " This is the last time I'm working for Dad. From now on, I work
		 alone."
	Kelly: " Much like when you're in lover's lane."
	
	<Gypsy sits on Bundy's couch>
	Gypsy: " I feel very strong vibrations here."
	Al:    " Peg, is you 'toy' under there."



Episode 310: I'll See You in Court
----------------------------------
	Al:  " I think I know what's going on here, the chocolates in the 
	       car, the oil on my zipper, you want sex don't you?"
	Peg: " No, I want a fur coat but I'll take what's behind zipper
	       number one."
	Al:  " Peg, if you scare him like that, he'll never come out."
	Peg: " Look, Al. I want sex. Do you want to be conscious or not?"
	
	Peg: " Pop in a breath mint and let's see if we can coax the mummy
	       out of his crypt."
	Al:  " I don't want to have sex. You're my wife, for god's sake.
	       Hasn't having the kids taught you anything, nothing good comes
	       out of it."


Episode 311: The Bundy's get an inheritance
-------------------------------------------
	<Al and Peg are eating out and have no money>
	Peg: " What are we gonna do, Al?"
	Al:  " What are we gonna do, what are we gonna do, when you're out
	       of the bedroom, Peg, the answers don't come easy, do they?"



Episode 312: Career Day at school
---------------------------------
        Marcie: " I remember when I was young. I wanted a horse. So I kept
                  talking about stirups. So my mom took me to the
                  gynecologist...whenever I see a Western I feel the urge
                  to scootch to the end of the table."

        Kelly: " Mom, you've done a lot for me. Remember when I was 7 and
                 Bobby liked Terry just 'cos she was a blonde, you went right
                 out and got me my first bottle of bleach."

        Peg:   " Honey, what's your real hair color?"
        Kelly: " I don't know. What's your real hair color?"
        Peg:   " I don't know. It's times like these I wished we took 
                 pictures."

        <Al & Bud are staring at awesome babe>
        Al:  " You're going to open a lemonade stand. There's nothing like a
               cool glass of lemonade on a hot day."
        Bud: " But it's 12 degrees out."
        Al:  " Then why are we sweating?"

        Kelly: " Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do
                 nothing, I want to be nothing."

        <Bud is frozen>
        Al: " You're cold. You're beginning to stoop. You earned a quarter and
              the women took it from you. Congratulations, Bud, today you are
              a man."

        Peg: " Honey, I was jsut dreaming about you."
        Al:  " Were you in it or was I having a good time."

        Al: " They have a security guard patrolling the wishing well
              around the mall so money will be a little tight for a while."

        <Bud & Kelly are going out>
        Peg:   " Bud, don't forget your jacket."
        Bud:   " I don't have one."
        Al:    " What do you mean you don't have one? I just bought you one
                 last week."
        Bud:   " I guess I left it somewhere."
        Al:    " You don't leave a jacket. You leave your hopes, your dreams,
                 and, if you're lucky, your family. But you gotta take care of
                 your jacket."

        Bud: " Kelly has a big math test coming up. Me and the guys are getting
               a pool together to guess her score. Now, if I act fast I can
               cover 0 through 20 and we'll be rolling in dough."
        Al:  " Put me down for 15."

        Marcie: " Did you know our window's broken?"
        Steve:  " Bud did it. He apologized and promised to let me pay for it."

        Peg: " I don't belong in the kitchen, Marcie, I'm a woman, dammit."

        Peg:    " Tomorrow's Mother-Daughter Career day at Kelly's school."
        Marcie: " What are you going to wear?"
        Peg:    " It's a career day. Why would I go?"

        < Peg's cooking >
        Bud: " Miss, have you seen my mother?"


 

Episode 313: Kelly joins Tap club / Al loses socks
--------------------------------------------------
	Al:  " I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?"
	Peg: " Well, I had to Al. One of your shirts reached out of the
	       basket, grabbed me around the windpipe and demanded to be 
	       taken to the airport."
	Al:  " Stupid shirt, if it was that easy I would've been gone
	       years ago."

	Al: " Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it."

	<music is playing>
	Bud: " Hey, 'Anything Goes.' Kelly, that's your song."

	Al: " Remember the Bundy credo: 'When one of us is embarrassed, the
	      rest of us feel better about ourselves.'"

	<Kelly does erotic dance and her fat old teacher jumps on Al>
	Al: " Peg, she bit me on the neck. Now I'll live forever!"

	Al:  " I had 20 pairs of socks. Now I have 19 swinging singles and
	       one pair."
	Peg: " What's wrong with them?"
	Al:  " They're the pair I was married in: the evil pair."

	Al: " There's two things that the Bundy's don't do. We don't eat
	      vegatables and we don't tap."

	Al: " Kelly, I'll get up in the morning, paint one ankle and go see
	      your principal. Then I'll board a plane to Borneo where I'll
	      be known as the 'Great White One with One Sock.'"

	Kelly: " Did you talk to the principal? Did you get me off?
	Al:    " Have I ever disappointed you before?"
	Kelly: " Yes."
	Al:    " Then you won't be surprised at what daddy has to say."

	Peg: " Say something nice to Principal Wicker."
	Al:  " You're looking less ugly tonight."

	Kelly: " The one thing I learned about being a Bundy is, if you loose,
		 loose big. That's what dad does."

	Al: <to the principal>" Think back when you were little. Roaming the
	    range with the rest of the water buffalo. Scratching yourself
	    against a tree."

	Kelly: " How come no date tonight, Bud? Couldn't get the wig on Buck?"



Episode 314: Peg sells cosmetics
--------------------------------
        Kelly: " I'm practically a woman. I don't cook. Why don't you
                 do what I do when I get hungry, get a date?"
        Bud:   " Yea, and slit your skirt up to your neck."

        Peg: " I have a bone to pick with you, Al."
        Al:  " There wouldn't happen to be any meat on it."

        Peg: " You're gonna get a second job."
        Al:  " You that worried that I'll live out the year, Peg?"

        Al: " I'd rather pick my nose with a can opener, I'd rather
              go bobbing for apples in a pool of alligators, I'd rather
              have a cathater (?) the size of a garden hose than get
              a second job."

        <looking through the want ads for Al>
        Peg: " Sperm donors. Darn. They want someone with experience."

        Marcie: " My friend own's a pit bull training school. Does Al
                  have a cup?"
        Peg:    " What for?"
        Marcie: " He could work his way up to the man with the
                  tranquilizer gun. How's his aim?"
        Peg:    " You've seen our bathroom."
        Marcie: " And your kids."

        Al:  " I know Oprah doesn't pay people to watch her with their
               mouths open so how'd you get the money?"
        Peg: " I'm a Patty Brite girl in my spare time."
        Al:  " So it's a full time job."

        Al: " Life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head."

        Steve: " I heard about your wife's job...well, actually, I saw
                 it painted on the side of you car."
        Al:    " You sure it wasn't man-blood?"

        Al: " Steve, you've seen my life. A little's all I have."

        Al: " If Peg could nag in sign language, she wouldn't need a 
              head at all."

        Boss: " You're a disgrace, Bundy. Clean your station!"
        Al:   " Marry a redhead!"

        Steve: " I made more than you losing a tooth when I was a kid."
        Al:    <making a fist>" How'd you like to make a fortune tonight?"




Episode 315: The Harder They Fall
---------------------------------
	Al:    " We've got food, a movie and each other. What more could
		 we want?"
	Kelly: " Hope."
	Bud:   " Food."
	Kelly: " Pride."
	Bud:   " Teeth."
	Kelly: " An alias."
	Bud:   " Underwear."
	Al:    " An annulment."

	Steve: " Al, I'm really upset with your wife."
	Al:    " Kill her."

	<Peg brings home a stupid video>
	Al:  " I wanted Schwartzenager."
	Peg: " So did I. But I got you and you got Beta."

	Steve:  " We don't have the Bundy's over often enough."
	Marcie: " That's your rule, Steve."

 	Al:	" Peg, don't start the video. I gotta go to the can."
	Marcie: " My God, our pipes."
	Steve:	" I gotta get the gold fish outta there." 
	Peg: 	" Keep it in there. It's a good way to test if it's safe for
		  re-entry. We used to use parakeets until they learned to
		  talk and started screaming."

	Al: " I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Since I'm not home, I won't
	      have to."

	Al: <to Steve>" Let me tell you about fear. I know you've seen my kids
	    and my wife & you say 'This man's not afraid of anything.'"

	Al: " We both wanted Peg. Which tells you that love is not only blind
	      but stupid."




Episode 316: The House that Peg Lost
------------------------------------
	<Peg puts her ashes in Al's beer>	
	Al:  " I thought the beer tasted like your hamburghers."
	Peg: " It's different than my mom's. She chews tobacco."
	Al:  " I remember her lemonade."

	Al:    " No pajama parties. I'm still having flashbacks from the 
		 last one."
	Kelly: " I was 8."
	Al:    " Yes, but the judge wanted to try you as an adult."
	Kelly: " I have a note that says: 'Absolutely no pajama parties...
	  	 or shaving daddy's head until my 16th birthday."
	Al:    " You can't hold me to that. I thought I'd be dead by now."
	Kelly: " The jokes on you."
	Peg:   " Actually, the jokes on me but not very often."

	Kelly: " Bud, pretend it's any normal Saturday night. Turn the lights
		 down low, put on some soft music and dial 1-800-No-Date."

	Peg: " How come you never take me to a hotel, Al?"
	Al:  " You'd just find your way home."

	Kelly: " We don't have any food."
	Al:    " My underwear doesn't have any elastic. Talk to June
		 Cleaver <Peg> here."

	TV Voice: " Coming up on Women's World: 'Men, herd 'em up and kill
		    'em all.'"

	Al:  " Steve and Marcie's house is gone."
	Peg: " Gone? What do you mean, gone?"
	Al:  " Gone. Like my hope, my dreams, my future."
	<Peg goes to door and realizes the house is gone>
	Al: " Nothing gets by you Peg.....'Cept a house!"

	Peg: " Let's fool around."
	Al:  " I feel foolish with other people in the house: Steve & Marice,
	       the kids, you."

	<Al & Peg go sleep outside>
	Peg: " It's raining."
	Al:  " Good, I'll sleep with my mouth open. Maybe I'll drown."




Episode 317: Married...With Queen, Pt 1
---------------------------------------
	<Bud and Kelly are hungry and eyeing each other>
	Bud:   <thinking> " If we don't get some food soon, it's Donner pass
                 baby."
	Kelly: <thinking?> " He's stringy but seasoned properly, Bud Chops."

	Bud: " Isn't there anything to eat in this house?"
	<They all look at Buck who runs out>
	Peg: " I don't think he ever got over waking up that one Christmas
	       morning surrounded by little potatoes with an apple in his
	       mouth."

	Al:  " Hi, Peg. Nice dress. Oprah having a formal episode?"
	Peg: " Al, don't you remember anything?"
	Al:  " Not since I said 'I do.'"

	Peg: " You promised to take me to out reunion the night of the prom."
	Al:  " You had fun, Peg."
	Peg: " Yea, we watched sports all night. You drank all my dad's beer.
	       I said 'I Love You.' You said 'Shut up, I can't hear the game.'
	       Then we did it on my father's coat. You were an animal that
	       night."
	Al:  " Who thought I'd ever see you again?"

	Peg: " You're trying to make me mad. It didn't work on our wedding 
	       night and it won't work now."

	<Peg is up for reunion queen>
	Steve: <to Al>" What are you up for?'Cartwheeling to the Grave' award?"
	
	Steve: " That's what reunions are for: to laugh at the pitiful 
	         people. The one's who have accomplished nothing since
	  	 high school...I'm sorry, Al."
	
	Steve:  " Let's go back to our place and punch up some classmate's
	 	  credit ratings."
	Marcie: " Then we can make a bed of our negotiable securities and
	          do the wild thing."
	Peg:  	" Why don't we have any negotiable securities?"
	Al:	" 'Cos my wild thing broke me."

	<Peg talks sweet talk>
	Al: " Don't do this to me. You know it shrivles up all my working
	      parts."

	Al: " Jack. We'd compete at everything....He'd set a record. I'd
	      set a record. He'd pass a gall stone. I married you."

	Edna: " Peg, whatever happened to that gorgeous hunk you were
	        sporting around town, Todd < whatever >?"
	Peg:  " I thought I could do better. I was wrong."
	Al:   " Hi, Edna. You don't look a day over a thousand. How do you
	        do it?"
	Peg:  " Just ignore him. Just like success has."

	Connie: " Did you hear the good news? I'm gonna be reunion queen."
	Peg:    " You're wrong. Much like how you think that women don't need
	 	  to wear deodorant."


	

Episode 312: Married...With Queen, Pt 2
---------------------------------------
        Eli: " You marrying Peg was the only bet I lost."
        Al:  " Yea, me too."

        Speedy: " How do you keep in shape?"
        Al:     " Running from Peg on sex night."

        Bud:   " Do you know what they have at reunions?"
        Kelly: " Alot of old men to roll?"
        Bud:   " Food!, bimbo-stein."

        Bud:   " We're gonna go to the library."
        Kelly: " There goes another thing I said I'd never do."

        <Bud & Kelly dress up as hippies to get food at the reunion>
        Bud: " Tonight my name is Moonbeam and yours is Piece, P-I-E-C-E."

        <Kelly says something really stupid>
        Bud: " You know, Kel, sometimes I can hear your brain coming to a 
               halt."

        Babe: " Did you really give up playing for the Bears for your wife?"
        Al:   " I figured if I'm gonna take a kick to the groin it might as
                well be for love."

        Kelly: <to Bud>" You'd be eating alone in a women's prison."

        Connie: " We need a red carpet. Can we use your hair? All but the
                  roots, I mean."
        Peg:    " Well, of you need a rug, you can shave your back."

        Jack: " I can't think of one thing you could do better than me."
        Al:   " Why don't you ask your wife about that, Jack."

        Al: " You know, Peg. It's like I told you on our wedding night when
              you woke me up: 'You sure know how to ruin a good time.'"



Episode 318: Married...With Queen, Pt 2
---------------------------------------
        Eli: " You marrying Peg was the only bet I lost."
        Al:  " Yea, me too."

        Speedy: " How do you keep in shape?"
        Al:     " Running from Peg on sex night."

        Bud:   " Do you know what they have at reunions?"
        Kelly: " A lot of old men to roll?"
        Bud:   " Food!, bimbo-stein."

        Bud:   " We're gonna go to the library."
        Kelly: " There goes another thing I said I'd never do."

        <Bud & Kelly dress up as hippies to get food at the reunion>
        Bud: " Tonight my name is Moonbeam and yours is Piece, P-I-E-C-E."

        <Kelly says something really stupid>
        Bud: " You know, Kel, sometimes I can hear your brain coming to a 
               halt."

        Babe: " Did you really give up playing for the Bears for your wife?"
        Al:   " I figured if I'm gonna take a kick to the groin it might as
                well be for love."

        Kelly: <to Bud>" You'd be eating alone in a women's prison."

        Connie: " We need a red carpet. Can we use your hair? All but the
                  roots, I mean."
        Peg:    " Well, of you need a rug, you can shave your back."

        Jack: " I can't think of one thing you could do better than me."
        Al:   " Why don't you ask your wife about that, Jack."

        Al: " You know, Peg. It's like I told you on our wedding night when
              you woke me up: 'You sure know how to ruin a good time.'"


Episode 319: Bundy's get a computer
-----------------------------------
        Al:  " Computers and women are ruining the country"
        Peg: " They're quite similar. You can't turn on either."
        Al:  " I'm not interested in either one."

        Al:  " When I come through that door I want someone to bring me my
               slippers. The question is who."
        Peg: " When it comes to your slippers, the question is how. As in 'How
               can a man make his slippers smell worse than his feet?'"
        Al:  " I sweat the sweat of the dead, Peg. Getting back to the question
               of who's gonna bring me my slippers, I think you're untrainable,
               the kids don't care if I live or die so I guess that leaves 
               Buck."
        Peg: " That is how we toilet trained Bud. Of course Bud was 5 before he
               stopped getting excited everytime he saw a tree."

        Al: " Buck, let's pretend it's any normal day and I'm coming home from
              work. 'Kelly failed another test, Bbd's dealing 3 card Monty at
              the old folk's home and Peg's in Oprah coma. I just earned 
              75 cents slaving in the shoe mines.'"

        Bud: " Do you know what we need in this house?"
        Al:  " Poison gas coming through the vents?"
        Peg: " He only thinks of himself."

        Peg: " Don't you want Bud to have everything that you never had: an
               education, a good job, a happy wife?"
        Al:  " Peg, you can' tell me that seeing me up to my armpits in
               misery doesn't make you happy."

        Steve: " Al, I used to be just like you...Well, no just like you. I 
                 cared about personal hygeine and I had change for a dollar."

        <Al is pretending he's Buck to train him. Family comes in>
        Kelly: " If this is truly the end, I'm not walking him."
        Peg:   " If daddy the dog is anything like daddy the man, he'll just
                 grab a paper and lock himself in a tree."

        Al:  " You'll dust for the computer but you won't dust for me or
               cook for me or listen to me."
        Peg: " Al, just don't sit there silent, say something about the
               computer."

        Kelly: " I have a book report due tomorrow in the subject with the
                 words...what do you call it?"
        Al:    " English?"
        Kelly: " Yea."

        Peg: " Let's face it. I didn't marry a happy man."
        Al:  " Yes you did. You turned him into me."
        Al:  " I just realized we got someone in this house that eats, lies
               around and does nothing."
        Peg: " Ah, Buck is cute."
        Al:  " I was talking about you, Peg. But the dog is pretty useless,
               too."

        Al: " We don't need a computer. It's just like when we had the kids:
              Everybody oohs and aahs at first but when the novelty wears off
              they just sit there collecting dust and cry for food."

        Al:     " Much like a family, what will a computer do for me?"
        Marcie: " It can do all sorts of things like keeping up with sports
                  scores."
        Al:     " Newspaper."
        Steve:  " Social events?"
        Al:     " TV Guide."
        Marcie: " Organize recipes?"
        Al:     " Don't eat."
        Steve:  " Doctor's appointments?"
        Al:     " Don't care."

        <Kelly needs help with her book report on Moby Dick>
        Bud:   " The classic whaling tale by Herman Melville. What do you
                 need to know about it."
        Kelly: " What happens."
        Bud:   " Ishmail and the whale were actually good friends and the
                 whale would talk."
        Kelly: " Oh, cool."
        Bud:   " Yep, the whale would call him 'Wilbur.'"
        Kelly: " He called Ishamil 'Wilbur?'"
        Bud:   " Exactly."
        Kelly: " The computer didn't know that."
        Bud:   " They sang a classic whaling song."
                 ' A whale is a whale, or course, of course
                   And no one talks to a whale, of course
                   Unless, of course, the whale, of course
                   Is the fabulous Mr Dick'
        Kelly: " Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're going too fast. Oh, this
                 is good. I bet the whale didn't talk to anyone but Wilbur. 
                 Huh?"
        Bud:   " Did you hear that, dad? Make those college reservations now
                 'cos this girl is going places."
        <Kelly leaves>
        Al:    " Bud, I hope you realize that when she grows up it's your
                 responsibilty to take care of her because when she's 21, high
                 school student or not, she's outta here."

        Al:  " Bud, don't you want to use the computer?"
        Bud: " Why would I want to use the computer when I have a blank screen
               like Kelly upstairs."








Episode 320: Shoe Lights
------------------------
	Peg: " Oh, Al. You're gonna study real hard and take the test
      	       for a garbage man?"
	Bud: " Yeah, dad! You're gonna pass this time!"
	Peg: " Wow! We're gonna get rich!"

	Bud: " The day that I stoop low enough to date a mannequin is the
	       day that I truly earn the name Bundy."

	Al: " Let's go back to yesterday. While taking out the trash, I 
	      triped, fell, and my head landed in the garbage.
	      Normally, I just hang out there with my hopes
	      and dreams."

	Kelly: " Kelly, go outside and see it it's a burglar. Kelly, taste
		 this green meat and see if it's any good. Kelly, look stupid
	  	 and and wear shoe lights. It's no wonder I seek the warmth of
	 	 a stranger's arms."

	Bud:   " Thanks for the help, bleached blanket bimbo."
	Kelly: " They may call me 'bimbo' but at least they call me."

	<Peg pinches Al's ear>
	Al:  " Ow!"
	Peg: " I was just checking to see if you're still alive. It's hard
	       to know sometimes."
	Al:  " There's a better way. Dead men don't wake up yelling 'NO.'"

	Al:  " I'm not going < to the shoe convention>. It's just another 
	       place to remind me of my failures: work, home..."
	Peg: " The bedroom."
	Al:  " You're always there when I'm down."

	Al:  " Who started the tradition that the guy who makes the least 
	       introduces the guy who makes the most?"
	Peg: " I don't know. It seems to energize the crowd against you and
	       brgins them all together."
	Al:  " Do you get a special bonus if I don't reach 50?"

	<Kelly demonstrates Shoe Lights>
	Al:  " I'll just turn Kelly on."
	Bud: " Then won't you be needing some candy and $5."

	Kelly: <to Bud>" Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep
	       enough to grow the girls that will go out with you. You're
	       aiming to high: you know, a live girl. You have caviar taste
	       and a pizza face."

	<Al falls down basement steps>
	Al: " Who am I? Where am I? Oh, that's right. I'm Al Bundy. Oh no,
	      Damn!"



Episode 321: The Bundy's go to the Beach
----------------------------------------
	Peg: " Al, take a picture of me to remember when I was beautiful."
	Al:  " You're gonna get worse !?"

	Steve: " Al, could you fo me a favor?"
	Al:    " What? Grab one of you wife's legs and make a wish?"

	Bud:   " Now I'm gonna find me a babe."
	Kelly: " You couldn't find a babe in a gynacologist's office."

	Fat Lady: " You're in my sun. I'm trying to get an all-over tan."
	Al:	  " You're asking alot of the sun."

	Girl: " Bud, there's a fly drowning in the oil on what will some day
	        be your chest."

	Bud:  " Hi, I'm Bud BonJovi. I'm looking for people to be in a rock
	        video."
	Girl: " I'll do anyting to be in a rock video."
	Bud:  " And so you shall."

	Lady: " Al, you look great. Do you work out?"
	Al:   " I barely eat."

	Al: <to Lady>" I don't feel right about it. I don't want it to get
	    out but I kinda like my family. Don't get me wrong. I'd say the
	    same thing to my wife if she wanted sex."

	Steve: " My parents toyed with the idea of naming me 'Tiger' but
	 	 then the yellow disappeared and they went with 'Steve.'"




Episode 322: A Peeping-Tom is loose
-----------------------------------
	Peg: " Let's go downstairs. You can put some dirty laundry on the
	       ping-pong table and disappoint me like only you can.
   	< Al locks her in the basment >
	Peg: " When I get out, we're gonna do it twice...that means a
	       full minute."

	<The neighborhood ladies come over with their peeping stories>
	Fat/Ugly Lady: " I was peeped, too. It was horrible."
	Al:            " And how was it for you?"
	Hot Babe:      " Last night, he peeped me when I was changing."
	Al:            " Can you show us what he saw?"

	<Al comes home>
	Al: " Peg? <no answer> Kids? <no answer> Heaven! No wife, no kids,
	      no pain: the way God intended. Now I'm truly alive."

	Peg: " Let's have sex."
	Al:  " Wait, didn't we do it last month?"
	Peg: " Yea, but let's finish it. Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself.
	       Take me on a 30 second ride to the moon."

	Peg: " Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself."
	Al:  " Remember, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, the kids
	       have to leave and, if you want it to be good, you'll have to
	       leave."

	Peg:    " Sit up, shut up, and brace yourself."
	<Marcie comes in>
	Marcie: " Peg, there's something disgusting going on in the 
	 	  neighborhood."
	Al:	" See, Peg, now everybody knows."

	Marcie: " There I was in all my glory when the guy peeped me."
	Al:	" Marcie, did they find the guy passed out in the bushes
		  still twitching with fear. Just the thought of it gives me
	 	  the heebee geebees."

	Steve: " The fat and unattractive have rights, too."

	Peg: " Nobody wants to peep me. Hold me, Al."
	Al:  " Nobody wants to hold you, either."

	<Peg's parading in front of window>
	Peg: " I'm being peeped."
	Al:  " It's an owl. He's seen you. He's spinning out of control. Now
	       he's down. Peg, you've killed. Can we go to bed now.?

	Bud:   " Kelly, tell dad Einstein's Theory of Relativity."
	Kelly: " Mom and dad are my relatives, therefore I am."

	Kelly: " From now on, I'm going to be Kelly Bundy, senior, and not
	         just a name on the locker room wall."

	Al: " Bud, I know you're having fun with your sister, her being a
	      dullard and all. But if Kelly doesn't graduate, she won't
	      move out and daddy won't get his own room. And if daddy doesn't
	      get his own room, he might just run amock starting in
	      alphabetical order. Do you understand, BUD?"

	Steve: " I've got a problem. Since this peeping thing started Marcie
	      	 won't let me touch her. We haven't had sex in 5 days."
	Al:    " It could be worse. I've had sex with mine for 5 straight
	         days."
	Steve: " Well, I like having sex with my wife. If it wasn't for sex,
	 	 I might as well live with my mother and be happy. At least
		 I'd get breakfast in bed."
	Al:    " Really, my mmom would just light me a Lucky and send me off
		 to school...This peeping thing has got to stop. I can't go 
		 on having sex with my wife."
	Steve: " And I can't go on having sex without mine."




Episode 401: Labor Day barbecue
-------------------------------
        Steve: " This is the best burger I've ever had. What's your secret,
                 Al?"
        Al:    " Well, I sneak down to the nudie bar once or twice a week
                 to make it through life." 

	<Kelly is between Bud and Peg>
	Kelly: " Is this how I'm gonna spend my Labor Day. Between my mother
		 and a pizza with everything"
	Bud:   " The holiday got you down, Kel?  Just pretend it's any 
	         other day. Get up on the table & mom and I will put 
	         dollars down your dress."
	Peg:   " Don't believe everything Rev. Fultcher says from the 
		 pulpit."

	Al: " We can't do something you <Peg> want. It isn't leech day, that's
	      Christmas. it isn't parasite day, that's mother's day."

	Kelly: " I can't wait 'til I have kids so I can tell them what to do."
	Bud:   " And when the ask who their dad is you can play 'spin the
		 father.'"

	Al:  " We've been married 17 years. Can't we just be friends?"
	Peg: " I don't like you. I just want to have sex with you. You said
	       when you were rested. And the way you do it, it's like resting
	       anyway."

	Al: " It should be a happy day. Not fighting, arguing, and have sex
	      with our partners."

	Peg: " Kids, I wish you could've seen your dad before all this"
	Al:  " As I recall, they almost did."




Episode 402: Peg vs Jim Jupiter
-------------------------------
	Jim:  " Hi, I'm the healthiest man in Chicago"
	Al:   " Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your
	        mouth"

	<The Bundy's are trying to figure out where Jim will stay>
	Bud:   " He wouldn't want to stay in Kelly's room and listen to the
	  	 sailors coming in and out all night."
	Kelly: " He wouldn't want to stay in Bud's room and listen to him
		 whisper 'I Love You' to his hand all night."

	Al:  " I'm hungry, any food?"
	Peg: " There's a 6-pack in the frig."
	Al:  " I'd like to have something to wash it down. Peg, why don't
	       you pop this chicken into the oven...oh, sorry Marcie, it's
	       an honest mistake."

	Marcie: " I've known him <Al> for 4 years and I've never seen him dry."
	Peg:	" You've never had sex with him."

	Al: " I'm a man and a man's home is his coffin."
	
	Al: " If you want to bend, dust. If you want to reach, sweep. And if
	      you want sex, let me know and I'll come back when you're done."

	Peg: " I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her
	       husband to sleep with."

	Peg: " I've killed the healthiest man in Chicago."
	Al:  " You're killing me & you don't seem to care."
	Peg: " You're different. You've been as good as dead for years."



Episode 403: Al & Steve take neighborhood boys camping
------------------------------------------------------
	<It's morning. Kelly comes home from her date>
	Bud: " That's the dress you wore for your date last night. It's
	       amazing how it keeps its shape in the glove compartment of
	       a car."
	
	Kelly: " You need money for a ticket, too."
	Bud:   " Oh, contrair, boy-go-round."

	Al: " I'd rather slam my nose in a door. I'd rather have a
	      proctologist named Dr. Hook. I'd rather watch Rosanne Barr
	      do a striptease than take these little booger machines camping."

	Boy:   " But you're not the great grandson of Daniel Bundy."
	Steve: " That's true. my ancestors could read and write."

	Al:  " I'll give this note to Buck. He'll run home and we'll be saved."
	Bud: " Do you think he can do it?"
	Al:  " Of course he can. I've dropped him off on every part of town and
	       he always finds his way home."

	Boy: " I want my mommy!"
	Al:  " So does your dad's brother."

	Bud:   " Use you wits."
	Kelly: " I am."
	Bud:   " No, wits, with a 'W.'"
	Kelly: " Mommy, he's spelling at me again."
	
	Al:  " Kids, gather round the flashlight. Let me tell you a story.
	       Once upon a time, there was a young boy. This boy had hope.
	       He was single, thus he was happy. One night, a night much like
	       tonight, it rose from the swamp with a sound "Thump...thump...
	       thump." He saw it by the light of a bar: the evil red headed,
	       high heeled, spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up.
	       He dated others. But nothing could stop it. He heard it call
	       "Honey." It traped him. Opened it's mouth, buried it's fangs
	       and said "marry me."
	Boy: " Did he marry it?"
	Al:  " Yes, he did."

	Al: " Wherever man is free and has change in his pockets,
 	      they'll < women > come-a-creepin' and they can't be stoped."

	Al:    " When we get out of this, what have we learned?"
	Boy 1: " Never marry."
	Al:    " Yes, no matter how noce they are now. Remember women will
		 get..."
	Boy 1: " Older."
	Boy 2: " Meaner."
	Bud:   " Fatter."

	<Buck howls outside>
	Peg: " Kelly, can't your dates honk the horn like everyone else?"



Episode 404: Al goes to the dentist
-----------------------------------
	Al: < at front door >"Ah, home sweet hell."

	Guy: " Hey, Bundy, I'm having steak tonight. What are you having?"
	Al:  " If I was the milkman, I'd be having your wife."

	Peg: <alarm goes off>"Oh geez, the idiot'll be home soon...<sees Al>
	     Oh, Hi, idiot."
	Al:  " In the privacy of our own home, could you call me Mr. Idiot."

	Peg: " What were you saying, Al? I wasn't listening."
	Al:  " Oh, nothing important...just something about being a man."

	Al:    " I'm taking a poll."
	Kelly: " Where are we gonna put a pole?"
	Bud:   " We could put it in your head so we can have a place to
		 hang the sign that says 'Duh.'"
	Kelly: " Great, you won't let me get my nose pierced but you're
		 gonna put a pole in my head."
	Al:    <to Peg>"You sure you didn't have a one night stand with the
	       Three Stooges."
	Peg:   " I'm a one stooge woman."
	Al:    " I'm taking a vote."
	Kelly: " I though you were taking a pole."

	<Al & Peg check kids teeth>
	Steve:  " This is against the law, Al."
	Al:     " So's dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife."
	Marcie: " I an not a chicken. I am not a chicken."
	Steve:  " Marcie, don't get your feathers ruffled."

	Marcie: " I love the dentist. He cleans me. He flosses me. His 
		  instruments alive in my mouth. Just when I can't take it
		  no more, he says, 'Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now.'"

	Kelly: " Are you afraid of the dentist?"
	Al:    " I'm a grown man so, of course, I'm deathly afraid."

	<Kelly tells story>
	Al:    " Thanks."
	Kelly: " What are daughters for."
	Al:    " I don't know."

	Bud:   " Kelly had a boy here last night."
	Kelly: " Well, Bud had a girl here last night."
	Peg:   " Yea, like I'm going to believe that. Kelly, don't tell
		 stories."

	Peg: " Al, you have an appointment with Marcie's dentist...here's
	       the address and, if you need a loved one to pick you up, here's
	       the bus schedule."
	Al:  " Dr Plierson...What I need is a Dr Kill-A-Wife."

	Bud: " Dad, I had a girl here last night."
	Al:  " Bud, I don't have time for your jokes."

	Al: " I was thinking, doctor. I don't eat. I have no reason to smile.
	      So how about I let 'em drop out, mail 'em to you, you drill 'em
	      and mail 'em back."

	Doctor: " I'll novacaine you up and have a few drinks and both of us
		  won't feel a thing."

	Doctor: " Are you married, Al?"
	Al:     " Look into these eyes."

	Al: " Calm down. I've found out that you can't live in the past...
	      or the present or the future."
 


Episode 405: Peg thinks Al is cheating
--------------------------------------
	Peg: <to Bud> "We both know, your sister is not a slut.
             She's only popular!" 

 	Peg: " Is that a burger, I smell in your breath?"
	Al:  " No, that's our wedding-cake. That was the last time, I ate!"

        Al: " Just 'cos I don't tell you I love you and I don't wanna
              spend time with you and that the sound of your voice
              makes me sick, don't think I'm cheating on you. You know
              what I say, why pay for milk when you've got the cow at home."

	<Marcy flips over a burger>
   	Peg:   " Oh, so --- so you like --- reverse it ?"
   	Marcy: " It's called flipping it over. That way it gets cooked on both
                 sides."
   	Peg:   " Ah. Gee, I wonder if that would work with pancakes.
                 Oh Marcy, I can't belive it. I've taken the best years of 
	         Al's life and this is how he thanks me."
   	Marcy: " Peggy, I really don't think Al's cheating on you. I took an
                 impromptu poll of all the women I know and as far as his
                 desirability, Al ranked below Alf. Which means they'd rather 
	         make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than 
	         with your husband."
   	Peg:   " What if he's cheating on me?"
   	Marcy: " Stand by your man -- in court. Take him for everything and get
                 yourself a another man -- a real man."

	Al: " Talk all you want, Peg. Tonight's bowling night. I'm gonna
	      have fun so I can't be with you."

	Peg: " The only time that Al loos at me is when he wants his beer
	       bottle opened. Like his teeth aren't good enough.



Episode 406: Fair Exchange
--------------------------
	<A French girl stays at the Bundy's>
	Kelly: " At least I'll get to have a real sister, not just a boy
		 trapped in a pimple's body."

	Evette: " I'm cold and tired. Where will I be sleeping?"
	Bud:	" My room's upstairs. You'll be sleeping on the left side 
		  of the bed."
	Kelly:  " That's 'cos he wets to the right."

	<Al picks up his steak>
	Al: " A toast to the French. It's a foul little country but they sure
	      do know how to write a check."



Episode 407: Peg Buys Tubro
---------------------------
	Peg: " I need something lucky to rub"
	Bud: " How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky"

	Peg: " What's up with men who have to look at other women
	       when they have us at home?"
	Al:  " Well, sometimes when you drive a Dodge you want to
	       close your eyes and dream it's a Ferrari.
	Peg: " It doesn't matter for you, honey. You don't know
	       how to drive."

	Brandi: " How much for the shoes?"
	Al:	" They're on the house. After all, you've made it possible
	 	  for Steve & I to have sex with our wives."

	Al: " What was I thinking when I said 'I do?" I already had sex
	      with her. I didn't need that again."



Episode 408: Dr. Shoe
---------------------
	Peg: " Hi, honey. How was your day?"
	Al:  " I came home. How good could it have been."
	
	Peg: " Nobody's stupid enough to call a shoe hot line."
	Al:  " In high school, everyone said no one's stupid enough to
	       marry the big red head. But someone did, didn't they?"

	Al: " The opera ain't over until the last heterosexual falls
	      asleep."

	Al:  " We still owe $50,000. It's just to another bank. So I'll
	       be broke and living in the gutter. Peg, will you still
	       be there?"
	Peg: " Al, you know I'll never leave you."
	Al:  " Then I truely have nothing."

	Al:  " I won't roll over and play dead."
	Peg: " Save something for when we go to bed."
	Al:  " No, my little thumb screw."



Episode 409: Al gets a new car
------------------------------
	<Al & kids are sitting in a new car>
	Al:    " Smell it kids...that's enough, you're using up all the new."
	Kelly: " There's not enough room the the back."
	Bud:   " That could be because you're not lying down like usual."
	Kelly: " Dad, don't forget to check if they have rubber seats for
		 his < Bud's > little problem."

	Peg: " I saw you coming down the street with the new car."
	Al:  " Well, it pushes well but a little hard passing on the
	       expressway."

	<Al comes in with another car>
	Peg: " Good choice, this is a much lighter car."
	Al:  " I could almost pull this one."

	Al: <to family>" How long have I know you guys? 2, 3 hundred years.
	    In that time, I've learned to do without a few things: a yacht, a
	    fancy hime, love, respect, food. I accept that but I won't live
	    another day without a carr that runs."

	<Al pushes car into his garage>
	Al:    " Yep, one more payment and you're all mine."
	Kelly: " Hi, daddy. I saw you pushing your car. Doesn't it work?"
	Al:    " Sure it does, honey. It was such a nice day, I didn't want
	  	 to waste it sitting in the car like all those other people
	  	 on the freeway."

	<Al works on car>
	Bud: " Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?"
	Al:  " Bud, you know you're starting to sound like your mother...
	       Kelly, turn it on."
	Bud: " Dad, you might want to tell Kelly to use the key or she
	       might start rubbing up against it."
	Al:  " Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud. She's not an idiot...
	       Use the key, honey."

	<Car makes weird noise and doesn't start>
	Al: " It's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make
	      it myself every morning."

	Bud:   " Hi, Mom."
	Peg:   " Hi, Kelly."
	Kelly: " Hi, Mom."
	Peg:   " Hi, Bud."
	Al:    " Hi, Peg. And before you say 'hi' to the milkman, it's me."
	Peg:   " I know. I have a nose."

	Al:    " And finally, the fruits of my suffereing <the $$>."
	Kelly: " I thought we <her & Bud> were the fruits of your
	 	 suffering."
	Al:    " No, you're the vegatables of my suffering...I buried this
	   	 box so deep that even the devil herself, your mother,
	         couldn't find it."

	Al: " I have a family announcement to make and, since I don't have a
	      real family, I'll say it to you <Peg & the kids>."




Episode 410: At the zoo
-----------------------
	<A girl scout is trying to sell cookies to Al>
	Girl: " Its food, Bundy.  You can't tell me you're not hungry.  
		My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt. "
	Al:   " You go tell your daddy that you have the mailman's eyes!"




Episode 411: Who'll stop the rain
---------------------------------
	Al: " Boy, I love the rain. Have since I was a little boy. Dad
	      used to say the rain is the sound of angels flushing."

	<Al is trying to repair the roof for the second time>
	Al:    " Alright, who's going up with...besides Bud?"
	Bud:   " Dad, if you really expect someone to go up on that roof
		 with you, they have to be a total moron."
	Kelly: " Oh, No. I'm not going up there."

	<After several failures of Al to repair the leaking roof>
	Bud:   " Loser no more, eh Dad? Can we call a roofer now?"
	Al:    " No, we can't. I'm going back up there. But this time, I'm
		 going up with the right equipment."
	Peg:   " A Wile E. Coyote mask?"
	Al:    " No, my love. The thing to do is have the right shoe."
	Kelly: " And the left one, too, dad."




Episode 412 & 413: It's A Bundyful Life
---------------------------------------
	Al: " Christmas isn't a time for regret. That's what anniversaries
	      are for."

	<Peg has on lingerie with a Christmas bow>
	Peg: " Come open your present, Al."
	Al:  " Where is it?"
	Peg: " It's me!"
	Al:  " Peg, why'd you get me the same old thing I didn't play
	       with last year?"

	Guardian Angel: " You're going to have to give me a few moments 
			  on this.  I thought I came down here to save 
			  a human soul" 

	Guardian Angel: " Don't worry Bundy, I checked this guy's future.  
			  According to this by the time he's 50 his stomach 
			  will be so ulcer ridden that ... Oh that's you"

	Al:  " Bud, quick what's more important: Money or Love"
	Bud: " Money, Dad.  I can always rent love"

	Al: " Well this was great!  What do we do now go to the night 
	      I should have been conceived and watch my father invent 
	      the Condom!"

	Guardian Angel: " Well I failed Bundy, I was supposed to come down 
			  here to give you a reason to live. I can't think 
			  of one. I am depressed"

	Peg: " Yes I saved myself for marriage"
	Al:  " Oh come on!  The Football team retired her (Peg) jersey"

	Guardian Angel: " No Bundy, much like a neutered dog, you don't get it"

	Al:  " Peg, you recognize me?"
	Peg: " Of course I do, Al.  Why do you think I didn't help you up"

	Peg: " I knew it would pay to breast feed you (Bud) until you were 9"




Episode 414: Gutter Cats' video
-------------------------------
	Al: " Marice just gave me an idea. Actually two. One, I want chicken
	      tonight and, 2, I'm discontinuing your allowance."

	Kelly: " Get a job, me. God did not create this package to work."
	Bud:   " He didn't mean it to be a serving tray at a biker's party,
	 	 either."

	Bud:   " The Gutter Cats are having auditions for rock video slut. Get
	         into you sleasiest dress."
	Kelly: " Which one?"
	Bud:   " The one dad calls your belt."

	Kelly: " What if I don't get the job? What if I'm not slutty enough?"
	Bud:   " Not slutty enough? You've got 'tramp' written all over your
		 face."

	Peg: " How about giving me $100 for sex, Al? That's $50 a minute."
	Al:  " Peg, I forgot to tell you, it has to be something someone 
	       wants."

	Al: " Peg, you're qualified for many things: spirit squaher, hope 
	      dasher, age accelerator."
	
	<Al & Steve look at video sluts on TV>
	Steve: " Man, look at what it looks like before you marry it."

	<...Still looking at TV>
	Steve: " Look at the blonde hanging all over the drummer like a coat.
	 	 Boy, I'd like to give her a...oops, sorry Al, that's your
		 daughter."

	



Episode 415: Al sells Peg's Hair
--------------------------------
	<Bud comes in with Buck>
	Kelly: " How'd it go?"
	Bud:   " Still constipated. If he was any tighter, you could wear
		 him to the prom."

	Al:  " I'm selling the lawn furniture"
	Man: " How much do you want for it?"
	Al:  " $10,000"
	Peg: " It cost $40, 15 years ago"
	Al:  " So did you"

	<Kelly comes in wearing skin-tight clothes>
	Kelly: " Well, I passed math. French, too, and I'm not even taking it"

	Kelly: " They [men] have no repect for our hair. They only use it to
		 pull us up, pull us down."

	<Al's heading to prison>
	Al:  " I'll need toilet paper, 2-ply white, a harmonica, and a picture
	       of mommy in case thoughts of escape cross my mind...Did you
	       get me cigarettes, kids? It's for my new boyfriend, Bubba."
	Peg: " Well, Al, if he only smokes after sex, a 1/2 pack'll do ya"

	Kelly: " What's 'audited?'"
	Bud:   " It's when the government takes all your money and throws
		 you in jail."
	Kelly: " But, just dad ,right?
	Bud:   " Yes."
	Kelly: " Then the hell with it."

	Bud: " Come on, dad. You got 2 more days 'til the audit."
	Al:  " Why wait? I'm guilty. What's my defense? Your mother's an
	       idiot. Besides, I deserve to be punished. I married your
	       mother."

	Steve: " I want to be a rodeo clown. You know, something with the
		 land. The thing is, hos do I tell Marcie?"
	Al:    " Well now. Thats a thorny one, Steve. Let's say I give it some
	 	 thought while I'm making my wedding vows in a prison chapel
		 to a guy named 'Rock.'"

	Peg:   " Why is everybody staring at me? I'm not the only one in this
		 family with hair. Bud, what about you?"
	Bud:   " Yea, right. I'd be quite the lady killer as a 15 year old
		 bald kid with no money, Yul Bundy."
	Kelly: " Well, don't look at me. I've got finals coming up."

	Peg: " $5000! Oh, Al, that's more than we'd make if you did have an
	       education."
	Al:  " No bad for a guy stupid enough to marry you...Well, I'll go 
	       pay my taxes and then the only prison I'll be in is the one
	       I created for myself."





Episode 416: You gotta know when to fold'em, Pt 1
-------------------------------------------------
	Bud:   " The TV's gone."
	<Al checks it out>
	Kelly: " By the way, so is mom."
	Al:    " Wait a minute, let's not gloss over this TV thing."

	<Peg sells Al's TV for $$ and leaves for Vegas>
	Al:  " Yes, officer, a description...Let me calm down. It's
	       getting hard to talk. 19" diagonal, maple console,
	       notches on the side where the kids grew up..."
	Bud: " Dad, what about mom?"
	Al:  " Oh, yea, my wife's missing, too."

	Peg: " I need to do something new."
	Al:  " That's easy. Next week try watching TV with your mouth closed."

	Peg: " I need a vacation."
	Al:  " If you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Don't
	       forget to take a picture by the refrigerator. You know,
	       'Ole Empty.'"

	Marcie: " God, I hate men."
	Al:	" I thought you were man's best friend...Oh, that's a dog not
		  a chicken."

	Peg: " Marcie, you don't need a man. What are they good for? They
	       pick. They burp. They let one fly and then the sit there like
	       they just won the Nobel prize. And once a month they roll over
	       on you on the way to the bathroom and the call that lovin."

	


Episode 417: You gotta know when to fold'em, Pt 2
-------------------------------------------------
   	Al:  " I want you to fan out and if you find mommy, or something
               daddy'd like a little better, give the Bundy yell."
   	Bud: " I wanna die?"
   	Al:  " That's the one."

   	<Marcy picks a man at the bar>
   	Marcy: " Three dollars. Boy, they don't pay these federal agents
           anything."

   	<Kelly can predict the roulette numbers>
	Bud:   " How do you do it?"
	Kelly: " I just let my mind go blank."
	Bud:   " What do you mean 'let it?' How do you stop it?"

   	<Kelly can predict the roulette numbers>
   	Bud: " Kelly, marry me. Damn the law!"

   	<Al's thinking>
  	Marcy: " Peggy, he hasn't moved for an hour."
   	Peg:   " Maybe he thinks he's having sex."
   	Al:    " If I was, you'd just come in and spoil it."

   	<Al is surrounded by babes and rescues Peggy>
   	Al: " No problem miss. Always ready to help a lady in distress
              and this dress and this dress and ..."

   	Peg: " There is a way to win 10000 dollars."
   	Al:  " What do I do, Peg? Sell everything I own 20000 times?"

   	<The GLOW girl is Big Bad Mama in stead of a Big Bosomy Babe>
   	Peg: " It's 10000 dollars, Al."
   	Al:  " That's a dollar a pound."

	Peg: " You're the man. What are you going to do?"
	Al:  " If I was really the man, I would've married the TV and
	       left you at Sears."

	Lady: " I like a man who's on top of things."
	Al:   " And I like a woman with things on top."

	Peg: " Well, Al, what are we gonna do now?"
	Al:  " Let's go for it all. Let's have a couple of more kids by
	       mistake and move in with your mother."

	


Episode 418: Polk High Homecoming
---------------------------------
   	<Bud wants to ask Kelly for advice and interrupts her dance with
    	 one of her dates>
   	Kelly: " You're the only one for me.....Bud, what are you doing?
           	 Can't you see that I was working."

   	<Kelly makes a plea for the fact men are stupid.>
   	Kelly: " The prostitution rests."

	<Bud plans revenge on a girl>
	Bud:   " Phase 1 is now complete."
	Kelly: " What's phase 2? You touch her on the knee and cry."
	Bud:   " Not quite, she whose head is never seen in a car."

	Al: " Peg, I was thinking. Maybe I should take a print of your
	      backside. So, if the couch is ever stolen, the police can
	      match the prints to on of the cushions."

	Bud: " Dad, when you were in school, did some girl do something
	       to you so bad that it ruined your life."
	Al:  " Yes, and you call that girl 'mom' now."

	Peg: " I found your athletic supporter. Let's see 'XS.' It must
	       stand for 'extra snug.' Should I write 'front' and 'back'
	       on it like I do you underwear?"
	Al:  " While we're writing on each other's underwear, give me a
	       pair of yours so I can draw a skull and crossbones on it."

	<Al gives homecoming speech>
	Al: "...Sure women like football before you marry 'em. But
	     afterwards, the only hike you see is them hicking up their
	     pants before they weld their backsides to the couch...
	     and talking about flying wench, let's talk about my mother-in-
	     law. People overuse the term 'as big as the planet' but try
	     to imagine everybody you know under one mumu..."




Episode 419: Weather Bunny
--------------------------
	Peg: <to Kelly> " Quitting school is a big step. I mean, that's
             where we get our pens and pencils!"
 
	<Al pays bills & Bud has all the antacid medicine>
	Peg: " What would you like to start with?"
	Al:  " Something light. The gas bill...Pen..Bromo...Morgage...Pepto...
	       Dept Store < very big bill >...Shotgun < as he looks at Peg>."
	Peg: " Can't we go any faster? Let's pretend we're upstairs. I know,
	       I'll yell 'not yet,' that always seems to speed you up."

	Kelly: " They're gonna make me work nights."
	Bud:   " So come dawn, when we're wondering where you are, we'll
	         just check the TV instead of the bushes."
	Kelly: " Go dance alone in your underwear."
	Peg:   " Al, the kids are arguing again. Will you talk to them?"
	Al:    " Talking to them won't make them go away."

	Peg:   " Um, graduation. Kelly, maybe it's time we had a little talk.
	   	 You're getting to be a big girl now. There's something I've
	  	 put off telling you for a while but time is slipping by fast.
		 I don't want you to learn it in the streets. Honey, there's
	     	 a thing that men will want you to do. In fact, they'll
		 expect it. Now, no woman really enjoys it. But we do it,
	  	 get them to marry us and never do it again. That horrible
		 thing is called 'work.'"
	Kelly: " Hold me, mom. I'm scared."
	Peg:   " But honey, the important thing is to do it early while
		 you're still young. That way, when your husband comes home
	 	 reeking of beer and wantin' some lovin,' you'll follow that
		 fat rump upstairs because you know, no matter how disgusting
	 	 the next 3 minutes will be, it sure beats the hell out of
		 working."
	Kelly: " Mom, you're so wise."
	Peg:   " You can't sit on the couch for 20 hours a day without
		 learning something."

	Kelly: " I've got a job for $1000 a week."
	Peg:   " We're rich."
	Bud:   " She's finally turning pro."
	Peg:   " Al, come brown nose with us."

	Al: " I think it's a terrible world where someone without a high
	      school diploma makes more that someone important like a PhD
	      or a shoe salesman."

	Al: " Bud, someday you'll marry some woman like the one killing
	      dear old dad."

	Kelly: " Can I ask you a favor?"
	Al:    " Kelly, you don't even have to ask. Peg, take the boy and the
	  	 dog and get the hell out of here."



Episode 420: Al tries to break the alley's record
-------------------------------------------------
   	<To Puggy>
   	Al:   " Al 'the King' Bundy will now do to your record, what time
                has done to your face."

   	Puggy: " Still a long way to 256, Bundy."
   	Al:    " Not for your wife, Pucky."

   	<Al explains the Bundy curse to the kids because Peggy is breaking
    	 his record>
   	Al:    " It's what keeps us from being happy. There's no point in
                 fighting it. It's what separates us from the ordinary 
                 losers. They can have their moments, but not us. Never us."
   	Kelly: " But mom is having a major moment now and she's a Bundy."
   	Al:    " She's not truly a Bundy. You see, your mother is just a
                 Bundy by marriage. She's part of the curse. But we are
                 blood Bundies. We are truly doomed."

	<Bud's filming Al trying to break the alley's all-time score. Al's
	 just coming in the door>
	Al:  " Bud, did you get your mom in the picture?"
	Bud: " Yea, dad."
	Al:  " Rewind"				
	<Al heads back outside for another take>

	<discussion about birth signs>
   	Peg:   " Just wait until I find out when your birthdays are!"
	Kelly: " Mine's in Februaru. I'm an aquarium!" 
	Bud:   " And an empty one."

	Peg:   " I'm going out with my man tonight."
	Kelly: " Where should we tell dad you went?"

	Al:  " I'm been training for weeks: avoiding anything that would
	       burt me: red wine, red meat...red heads."
	Peg: " And those energy draining showers."
	Al:  " Behind every successful man, there's a woman who didn't marry
	       me."

	Peg: " Wouldn't it be great if I broke your record?"
	Al:  " That would be the icing on the tomb stone."

	Peg: " We had a camera on our honeymoon but you kept beating the
	       flash."
	Al:  " If you remember, Peg, I was doing fine 'til you got there."

	Marcie: " Is there no limit to how low you'll stoop."
	Al:  	" I wouldn't kiss you on a bet."



Episode 421: Peg gets high school diploma
-----------------------------------------
	<Kelly and peg are in same home ec classs>
	Kelly's freind: " Hey, Kelly, wanna vandalize the cemetary
			  tonight?"
	Kelly: <looking at Peg> " No, Lisa, that would be wrong."
	
	Kelly: " Can I get a tattoo?"
	Peg:   " Didn't we have this discussion when you were 8? No tattoos
		 above the waist for any member of this household. Can't we
		 learn from Grandma's mistake?  At her age with love and hate
		 tattooed on her breasts. With those verbs hanging around
	 	 her knees today."
	
	Peg:   " It seems I failed one stupid little class: home economics."
	Kelly: " Gee, what a shock!"

	Teacher: " Miss Bundy, why can't you be more like Reuben < teacher's
		   pet>?"
	Kelly:	 " Well, we both like boys."

	Al:  " Anything for dinner, Peg?"
	Peg: " Get a wife!"
	
	<Al comes downstairs in the middle of the nights>
	Al: " Can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed."




Episode 422: Bud thinks he had sex with Marcie
----------------------------------------------
	Kelly: " What's a simpleton?"
	Bud:   " An idiot, moron, dolt, dullard, creaton. You know, someone
		 a little smarter than you."

	<Al has a nightmare>
	Al: <to Peg>" For the first time, since the first time, I'm glad to 
	    see you in bed."

	Al:  " Haven't we had enough sex in our lives? When does it get to
	       be over?"
	Peg: " When you're officially dead...Now get on."
	Al:  " Aren't my nightmares enough?"



Episode 423: The Bundy's have a yard sale
-----------------------------------------
	Kelly: " Dad, do what mom says and marry someone with a job."
	Al:    " My mom said to marry an anchor and cling to it as it sinks
		 to the bottom."

	<Peg comes in with boar's head>
	Al:  " What've you got there?"
	Peg: " A boar's head."
	Al:  " No, behind your back."

	Al: " I already have 3 leetches. What do I need a boar's head for?"

	Al: " I'm gonna do with it what I should've done with you right
	      after our wedding: strap it to the hood of the car and take
	      it back to the woods where it belongs."

	Al:  " Peg, why do you have a boar's head?"
	Peg: " The glassy eyes, the stuffing for brains, nothing below the
	       waist. Strap it to a toilet and it could be you."
	Al:  " Unlike me, someone cared enough for it to put a bullet
	       through its head."

	Marcie: " My mother would have a garage sale every summer. She'd 
		  sell everything including the training bra off my back."
	Al:     " What were you? 25."
	Marcie: " 13 and making more money than you."

	Peg: " I can't believe you're selling my whole life's work."
	Al:  " I'm not selling everythindg. I'm keeping my knotted bowls."

	Al: " I wanna be like him <Buck>. Sure you eat the private parts
	      of horses but when you go to the bathroom on the lawn they 
	      say you did good.

	Al: " Lawn sales are based on the bigger idiot theory. But there's 
	      1 flaw in the system: soon you get to the biggest idiot and
	      you call her mom."

	Al:    " Remember the Bundy credo: A bundy never wins."
	Bud:   " No, it's a Bundy never eats."
	Kelly: " No, it's a Bundy never learns."
	Bud:   " No, it's a Bundy never cares."

	Marcie: " I've got a date."
	Al:	" They're probably selling parkas in hell now."
	Peg: 	" What's he like? Is he rich? Is he handsome?"
	Al:	" Is he sighted?"
	Marcie: " My mistake was looking for a man to love when all I need
		  is a man to hurt."
	Peg:    " Are you gonna have sex with him?
	Al:     " You heard her say she wanted to hurt him."

	Al:  " Have I told you not to marry?"
	Bud: " Yea, dad"
	Al:  " Have I told you not to be a shoe salesman?"
	Bud: " Yea, dad"
	Al:  " Well, I guess I told you everything I know."

	Al: " It could be like one of those Wanker ho-downs, where 
	      everyone gathers 'round the still and plays 'spin the cousin'"

	Peg: " You're looking at a whole new Peggy"
	Al:  " Yea, maybe this one won't find her way home"

	Peg: " I was down at the Friedman's garage sale. Do you know what
	       thay said?"
	Al:  " Why does your husband go on living?"
	Peg: " No one knows I'm married. They say all my stuff is junk."
	Al:  " I told you that."
	Peg: " But they're strangers. I care what they think."

	Al: <to peg>" We're broke and you're stupid and the 2 don't match. 
	    We don't need anything to be miserable, we've got each other."

	<Marcie comes in to the Bundy's house>
	Marcie: " Yoo Hoo."
	Al:	" See, Peg, this is why I tell you to lock the door."


	
Episode 501: Al's dreams
------------------------
	<Al won't visit Pegs mother>
	Peg: " Mom is gonna be really disappointed. You know ever since her dog
  	       Rusty died, the only comfort she has is peting your head till 
	       she falls asleep."
	Al:  " I'm not a Labrador Retriever. And I never bought the fact 
	       that a full grown dog could accidentally wrap itself in bacon 
	       and fall in a microwave oven."
	Peg: " Oh what other explanations could there have been?"
	Al:  " Well, maybe he could have told us if his mouth hadn't 
	       accidentally been toothpick shut."
	Peg: " You know I don't know, they find one flea collar in your bed 
	       and you're branded for life as a dog eater."
	
	<Peg leaves for her mother>
	Peg: " You gonna miss me honey?"
	Al:  " Well I can't until you leave."
	Peg: " You know I left you plenty of food. It's at the supermarket."

	<Al and Kelly are home alone>
	Al: " Now Kelly, we're gonna be spending a whole week together. You 
	      might hear a 'Yipee' or a 'Yow' from me. That doesn't mean I 
	      don't miss your mom. Just like changing the locks doesn't mean 
	      I don't want her back. Adults express their sadness in different
	      ways. I express mine by doing the bump."

	Kelly: " Daddy, now we're gonna have a week for ourselves and I 
	         thought that it would be a good idea if we did something 
	         together, you know we never have."
	Al:    " Well sure we did. On the day you were born I carried you 
	         from the hospital and ten years later we had ice cream and 
	         now, here we are."
	Kelly: " Okay, how about if we just talk?"
	Al:    " Great. So how is school?"
	Kelly: " I'm outta school daddy."
	Al:    " Good, great. So <thinks about a question> how old are you?"
	Kelly: " Well, going by the numbers of birthday parties that you've
	         thrown for me, I'm 3."
	Al:    " God how the years go by."
	Kelly: " You don't know much about me, do you?"
	Al:    " Well, I do know that I carried you from the hospital the day 
	         you were born. I remember, because I accidentally left you 
	         on the top of the car. I was about to drive away, when 
	         I heard this sad little voice say 'Stop  you're forgetting 
	         me'. So I get out, let your mother in and there you were."
	Kelly: " Oh daddy. I never felt so close to you. So this week let's 
	         make sure, that we never see each other. Okay?"
	Al:    " I think this will bring us even closer together."
	Kelly: " See you next week. Bye dad."


	Kelly: " Daddy, I'm sick. Will you make me some toast?"
	Al:    " Well Kelly, you were here all day. Couldn't you make some 
	         yourself?"
	Kelly: " No."
	Al:    " You are your mothers daughter, aren't you? Would you mind 
	         telling me, why you couldn't make some?"
	Kelly: " Isn't it obvious? Because I'm sick and if I'd touch the 
	         bread, then I would get my germs on it and then I would be 
	         eating my own germs. Oh and another reason is, we don't have 
	         any bread."
	Al:    " Well, if we don't have any bread, how can you expect me to 
	         make toast?...<Kelly gives Al a look>... Ah no. Why didn't 
	         you call me at the store, so I could pick some bread up on 
	         the way home?"
	Kelly: " Isn't it obvious? Because if I use the phone, then I would 
	         be getting germs on it and then I would be talking to my 
	         own germs. Come on, give me some bread daddy."
	Al:    " Wait, I'm just waiting to hear something... <thunder rolls, 
	         it starts raining>... Now I can go."

	Pizza Boy: " You owe me $7.50, plus a tip."
	Al:        " I give you a tip...<Al bangs the Pizza boy's head 
	             against the door>...Doors are hard. Keep the change."

	Kelly: " I love you daddy. Do you love me?"
	Al:    " Well. Love, hate. Look we're a family, what's the difference?"

	Al:    " Kelly, go be sick in your room. daddy wants to watch 
	         topless-wrestling."
	Kelly: " No, you can't daddy, because tonight is the big music video 
	         countdown. It's the top 10,000 classic videos of 1989. 
   	         Oh come on, watch with me maybe you'll see one of your 
	         favorites."
	Al:    " Oh well, I really like the oldies. You know 'See me, 
	         touch me, feel me, marry me, kill me'."

	<Kelly does something stupid>
	Al: " For the lack of one condom, an entire life was ruined."

	Kelly: " Daddy. I can't sleep."
	Al:    " Well have you tried counting something, like the seconds you 
	         have left to live?"
	Kelly: " I want you to tell me a bedtime story. You know, like you 
	         never did when I was a child. Please?"
	Al:    " It's not going to work."
	Kelly: " Pleeeeeeease?"
	Al:    " Okay. It's not a happy story, it's a story of great sadness:
        	 Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a 
	         good man, but somehow good things never came to him. Did I 
	         mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheere
		 him. That was before the red thing appeared. Darkness fell on
 	         shoe-town. Who would take on the red beast? Who would battle 
	         it? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward 
	         -- or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate,
        	 an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And 
	         the lonely shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in 
	         high school and scored four touchdowns in one game and had 
	         many offers to junior colleges and could have made something 
	         of his life...laid down and died. The End."

	<Al dreams of fabulous babe>
	Babe 1: " Aaaal."
	Al:     " As in 'Al night long'?"
	Babe 1: " As in 'Al I want'!"
	Al:     " Then, Al you shall have."
	<Al hugs babe 1. Babe 2 walks in>
	Babe 2: " Honey I'm home. Al Hercules Bundy, who is this person?"
	Babe 1: " Who's this Alse?"
	Babe 2: " Well?"
	Babe 1: " Well?"
	Al:     " Well, obviously I'm having a hell of a dream. Rather than go
	          into an explanation which could take a while, why don't you 
	          two fight over me while I watch and take pictures. And the 
	           winner can have me first...and third and fifth..."

	Kelly:        " God I feel great. I'm so glad I'm over with that cold.
	         	It was death. So how are you you today daddy?"
	Al:           " I'm better. My fever is down to a 120."
	Kelly:        " Well, I just want to thank you for taking care of me 
			all week. That was very sweet of you daddy. And if 
	  		there is anything you want, you just ask."
	Al:           " Well, thank you honey. I could use maybe a little 
			crust of..."
	<horn sounds outside>
	Kelly:        " Oops. I gotta go. Bye."
	Al:           " No eat, no drink, no money have I not. Well, at least 
			there is one thing they can't take away from me."
	<Al falls asleep>
	Female voice: " Aaal, Al."
	Al:           " Coming."
	<Al looks up and sees a big, fat nurse>
	Nurse:        " It's enema time."
	Al:           " Someone ring the bell. Oh God, I can't wake up."





Episode 502: We'll follow the Sun
---------------------------------
	Peg: " Did you miss me?"
	Al:  " With every bullet so far!"
	Peg: " Maybe you need a bigger gun!"
 
	Bud: " When I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet.
	       When I was a sophmore, they flushed my head down the toilet.
	       When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush
	       it myself."

	<Family is stuck in the traffic jam>
	Peg: " Al, we haven't moved an inch in hours."
	Al:  " I can heat that in the bedroom."

	Marcie: " I spent my 2 week vacation at a seminar "You Are What You
		  Were."
	Al:	" So you are a chicken."

	Al: " Your happiness sickens me. Everybody but me is looking at good
	      times. But for me it's been one long continuous year since I
	      got married. Actually, I long month: Hell-uary."

	Peg: " Do you know what you need? A good night job."
	Al:  " Is that all I am to you? An oxen to be worked in the filed 'til
	       he drops dead."
	Peg: " Well, gee, honey, what did you think you were to us?"
	Al:  " Perhaps husband. Perhaps father. Perhaps the man who's about
	       to run amock with a meat cleaver if he doesn't have any fun."



Episode 503: Al cancels car insurance
-------------------------------------
	Al: " When the going gets tough,the tough.. runs like a thief
	      in the night!"

	Peg: " You know what they say in Wanker county."
	Al:  " Nothing spells loving like marrying your cousin."

	Kelly: " The car's mine. I don't want to be standing on the corner
	         again with guys hissing at me as they drive by."
	Al:    " Sorry, pumpkin, we didn't know it was you."

	Al:  <talking on phone>"When you insult my wife, you don't insult me."
	Peg: " What did he say, Al?"
	Al:  " Nothing I haven't said before."
 
	Al:    " I've said we're broke before and you were brave about it and
		 spent anyway but we're really broke this time. Peg, what can
		 you do without?"
	Peg:   " Apparently an orgasm.,"
	Al:    " Way to get one. Kelly, what can you do without?"
	Kelly: " I think we can all do without war."
	Al:    " Don't you think you should've gained more than 5 pounds when
		 you were pregnant now, Peg."

	<Al pays some bills>
	Al:  " I'm signing now, Lord. Please smite me before I get to the 'Y.'"
	<Peg finishes Al's signature>
	Peg: " Another thing that you start that I have to finish."

	Bud: " All my friends are driving."
	Al:  " If all your friends were getting married, would you?"

	Al: " Let this be a lesson to you. Never do tequila shooters within
	      a country mile of a wedding chapel."

	Al: " I was listening to the oldies station at 1500 watts so I 
	      couldn't hear the siren. Police cars today are equipped with 
	      rammers so he eased me into the guard rail. Lucky, the cop
	      liked oldies so he beat me with his night stick to the tune of
	      ' Hey, Jude.' Then he wrote me up 18 tickets including the one
	      for bleeding on his pad."

	<Al puts on long hair wig>
	Peg: " You look like Tarzan if he were old and gay."
	Al:  " If you were Jane, he would be."

	Al: " Insurance is like marriage. You pay & pay but you never get
	      anything back."

	Judge: " Mr Bundy, would you please explain why your wife is wearing
		 a neck brace when she wasn't involved in the accident."
	Peg:   " Let me explain it, your honor. It's sex whiplash but it is
		 accident realted. You see, when we were in bed, Al was 
		 thinking about the jillion dollars and just lost control.
		 He caught me off guard. He moved."

	Peg: " Al, your Dodge, with the high blue book value of $70, sliced
	       right through that Kraut car. It's times like these that I'm
	       proud to be an American."
	Al:  " Good, then it'll be your job to make sure that Old Glory is 
	       flying over our heads when we're in line for free cheese."

	<Al loses the law suit>
	Bud:   " I somehow feel responsible."
	Al:    " Come here, Bud. Let me choke you 'til you feel better."
	Kelly: " You're not mad at me, are you, daddy?"
	Al:    " How many fists am I holding up?"



 
Episode 504: Softball game
--------------------------
	<Peg is hugging Sven>
	Al:  " Who's that with the backpack shaped like my wife?"
	Guy: " Your replacement."
	Al:  " Good, now I can concentrate on my softball."

	Al:  " You can't get rid of me. You need a unanimous vote. The best
	       you could get is 6 to 3."
	Guy: " 7 to 2"
	Al:  " Why, Peg?"

	Al:  " Why can't we guys age gracefully like you gals. You put makeup
	       on your face and you clean & jerk yourself into a bra. Then
	       you put tights over your front and back belly and got to the
	       store to flirt with the bag boy."
	Peg: " Al, when you were talking about women, you didn't mean me,
	       did you?"
	Al:  " I never do."

	Bud: " We got an ice pack on his head, a heat pack on his back, and
	       a 6 pack down this throat."
	Peg: " How is he?"
	Bud: " Sore, brunk, and blue."
	Peg: " Just like the night we made you."

	Guy: <to Peg>" He <Sven> bats .380, has a cannon for an arm, and runs
	     like children from your husband."

	Kelly: " It can be unanimous or out loud. You're not getting rid of my
		 daddy. Like I wrote in my 4th grade essay: Daddy good, 
		 sleepy now.'"
	Guy:   " We still have a chance at the championship."
	Bud:   " We don't care about winning. We're not gonna take hima away
		 from the game he loves...plus he'll beat the living crap out
		 of us."

	Peg: " Kids, why don't you take the bats downstairs. You know, 
	       somewhere out of reach of your father, like success."

	Peg: " It was embarassing how you missed everything out there today.
	       It was like you were in the bathroom."
	Al:  " Peg, I told you, it's all injury related. Once I heal, I'll
	       be batting .400 again, in both cases."




Episode 505: Peg goes dancing
-----------------------------
	<Al is eagerly waiting for a pizza, when the doorbell rings and
	 Marcie is standing there>
	Al: "Well, it's flat and cheesy, but it's not a pizza"

	Al: "Look! It's Frosty No-Man" <== about Marcie

	<Peg & guy are dancing>
	Peg: " You know, I haven't done it in 2 years."
	Guy: " You haven't danced in 2 years?"
	Peg: " I haven't danced in 12 years."

	Bud: " I need $20 fast. Look what I have waiting for me."
	Al:  " She's a tramp < Al hands over the $$ >"

	Peg: " Come dancing with me. Hold me like you used to."
	Al:  " That was after a 6 pack and a dare."

	Peg: " It's getting harder and harder to fight off the guys."
	Al:  " Whatever you do, don't feed him. That'll really hurt."

	Al: " Feed me or feed me to something. I just want to be part of
	      the food chain."

	Al:  " You know what I want to do? I was looking in the newlyweds'
	       window down the block. I wanna do what they wre doing."
	Peg: " You kinky devil."
	Al:  " They were eating."

	Guy: " Your wife is seeing my husband."
	Al:  " Let me get this straight, pardon the expression, my wife is
	       seeing your husband."
	Guy: " Yes."
	Al:  " You know you're a man."
	Guy: " Yes."
	Al:  " You say your husband was dancing with my wife?"
	Guy: " Yes"
	Al:  " Well, that's 3 guys that won't touch my wife. What's the
	       problem?"
	Guy: " Before me, Andy had a woman."
	Al:  " Before Peg, I had a woman, too."



Episode 506: The Bundy Bounce
-----------------------------
	<Peg is on strike>
	Al:  " This's been the best two weeks of my life.  The uncertainty 
	       is gone. Accepting your utter uselessness has freed me. 
	       Since I've been taking care of myself, the foods better, 
	       conversation is better and without sex, my hair is coming 
	       back!!"
	Peg: " It's not coming back honey, it's just growing up out of 
	       your nose...!"

	<Bud goes with Kelly to model school>	
	Bud: " I heard you that girls like to watch your weight. Care for a 
               Bud Light?"

	<Kelly trying to introduce the Car of Tommorrow, the new Allante>
	Kelly: " I'm getting an idea! How about this:
        	 The neeeew .... what's the name of the stupid car?"
	Bud:   " Kelly, why don't you just write it on your hand like 
	         you do your name!"
	Kelly: " Wait! Topeka! I have found it!!"
	Bud:   " I ... I don't think you mean Topeka, Kel."
	Kelly: " Oh yeah, that's right, I ment...Urethra!!"

   	Al: " Gee your honour, I don't know where that shotgun came from.

   	Al: " Gee officer, if I thought my wife was missing, whould I be in 
	      this bar and drinking a beer ?


			   

Episode 507: Married With Aliens
--------------------------------
	Al:  " Peg, 3 little greem aliens came in and stole my socks."
	Peg: " Were they greem before or after they stole your socks?"

	Peg:    " Al? Al?... I guess he's not home."
	Marcie: " He can't be far. The stench of failure's still in the air."

	Peg: " We were just discussing who was going to pick you up."
	Al:  " Why didn't you do what you did on our wedding night. Have a 
	       couple of uncles baseball bat my knees and throw me in a 
	       trunk or are they still in Wanker County where, as Einstein
	       says, everyone is relative."

	<Al is waiting for aliens and Peg is talking>
	Al:  " Peg, don't you know by now that nothing reveals itself in
	       this bedroom wile you're talking."
	Peg: " You've been sitting there for 3 hours doing nothing. If you're
	       gonna do that you might as well get a job at the post office."




Episode 508: Al plants a garden
-------------------------------
	Kelly: " Work's a bummer. Luckily, I'm a pretty girl so I don't
		 have to."

	Peg: " We're home now, honey. Remember? 2 kids, a dog, a bedroom
	       upstairs where you disappoint your wife."

	Al:  " The doctor said I should get a hobby: start a vegatable garden."
	Bud: " You started a vegatable garden when you had Kelly."

	Al: <to Peg>"Soon you'll be a cookin', a cleanin', and a servin' &
	    I'll be a eatin', a belchin', and a purgin'."

	Al: " As Farmer Iggy says, 'Wife standin' near, soon comes a tear.'"

	Bud: " You've had the hose on for 4 hours and the ground's not even
	       wet. Where's all the water going?"
	Al:  " How should I know. I don't even know where it comes from. I just
	       wish I could go with it."
	
	Al: " If dynomite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an
	      idiot like me."



Episode 509: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
---------------------------------
	Bud:   " Kelly, are you sure the power's off?"
	Kelly: " For the 1000th time, the power's off."
	<Bud goes to fix doorbell and electrocutes himself>
	Bud:   " Kelly, spell 'off.' Spell it!!"
	Kelly: " O-something."
	Bud:   " Now, I'm going to go change my underwear and we'll try this
		 again. Maybe you can go the extra mile and get a bucket of
		 water for me to stand in."

	<Al takes his shirt off>
	Peg: " Where are you going?"
	Al:  " Where does it look like I'm going?"
	Peg: " Mr Puddin' Belly tryouts."

	Peg: " Marcie, this is big. Al showered...in the morning. The only time
	       he used to shower was after sex. Immediately after sex. 
	       Sometimes during."

	Marcie: " According to the book I just read 'Keep Em Down, Keep Em 
		  Down, Keep Em Down: A Woman's Guide to Happiness,' you
		  don't really have to worry until a man stops buying white
		  underwear. The time to sweat is when men buy underwear in a 
		  tube. You know, the bright colored ones that fat European men
		  wear as bathing suits."

	Al: " It was every man's dream to be kept by a woman who's skirt was as
	      short as the life spans of the man she chooses."



Episode 510: Kelly moves out
----------------------------
	Kelly: " Go upstairs and 'Nick at Might' yourself to sleep. I need use
	         of the couch."
	Bud:   " I was here first. And do you remember the last time you and a
	         victim used the couch? We had to defly it."

	Al: " In order to make a house a home, only one can make the rules and
	      in this house...<Al whispers>..the rules are made by the man."

	Al:  " Threats don't work with me."
	Peg: <Yells from upstairs>"Nobody's rubbing my touchy."
	Al:  " Because I've already been to hell."

	<Kelly leaves>
	Peg: " My baby's gone. Hold me, Al."
	Al:  " I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I hold you
	       now?"
  	Peg: " Can we have another child?"
	Al:  " I'd rather jump off the Sears Tower and dive head first into a 
	       tack. I'd rather bait a crocodile with my manhood which, I
	       believe, got me into trouble in the first place."
	
	Peg: " Bud, was I a good mother?"
	Bud: " You must've been. I was the only 8 month who could change 
	       his own diapers."




Episode 511: And Baby Makes Money
---------------------------------
	<Bud & Kelly look through photo album>
	Kelly: " Why do we have to X out the dead guy?"
	Bud:   " Dad says it helps out at Christmas time. Never send
	 	 presents to someone who won't send them back."
	Kelly: " Then why don't we X out mom and dad?"
	Bud:   " Soon enough, Kel. Soon enough."

	Peg:    " Then there's the 10 months of pregnancy."
	Marcie: " 10?"
	Peg:	" Male Bundy's never want to come out. And once they do,
	          they never wanna go back in."

	Peg: " Picture me in a pink teddy."
	Al:  " I need some real incentive."
	Peg: " Picture yourself sitting in front of a big screen TV."
	Al:  " 40 inch?"
	Peg: " I wish."

	Al: " I can't believe it. 2 weeks and she's not pregnant. It's
	      like having two menial jobs."

	Kelly: " What if they do have another baby? What will that be for
	         me?"
	Bud:   " A tutor."



Episode 512: Marcie marries Jefferson
-------------------------------------
	<Peg gives a Cosmo test to Al>
	Peg: " Who would you rather spend the night with: A, your wife, 
	       or B..."
	Al:  " B."

	Marcie: " I woke up with a man in the bed and I don't know who he is."
	Al:     " That's easy. He slpet with you, he's the stupidest man on
		  Earth."

	Bud:   " We have enough <on Marcie> to tell the neighbors."
	Kelly: " Sell the nieghbors."
	Bud:   " Do you do nothing for free?"

	Al: <to Jefferson>" Run, run, run like the wind, runs like there's no
	    tomorrow, run like Mexican water through a first time tourist but,
	    the key word is, run."

	Jefferson: " Al, dod you now that there's a little rain cloud that
		     hovers only over your house?"
	Al:	   " It showed up after the kids were born."

	Al: <on phone>" I'm catering a wedding. I expect about 60 people so
	    I need a couple pounds of cold cuts...ah, huh...and what kind of
	    animal would that be?...ah, huh...12 cents a pound. That's
	    pretty steep. Can you throw in some beaks and claws?"




Episode 513: Cheese Cake
------------------------
	<Buck is outside>
	Kelly: " What have we learned?"
	Buck:  <thinking>" That when you're frozen solid, you really
	       don't think that much about sex."



Episode 514: Kelly dates a 41 year old city official
----------------------------------------------------
	Bud: " What bothers me is that you <Al & Peg> don't involve me in 
	       the family business anymore...I'm not Fredo. Kelly's Fredo...
	       And I'm not letting you take me fishing."

	Kelly: " How come you don't believe I'm in love?"
	Al:    " Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you. We don't believe
		 in love."
	Peg:   " That's why our marriage works."

	Peg: " You're dating someone old enough to be my father."
	Al:  " She's not dating Lincoln."

	<Al's alone with Peg>
	Al:  " What whould I do?"
	Peg: " You could lead the 'Failure Pride' parade atop a float made
	       of meter maid shoes. Or is that getting in you business. 
	Al: " White crosses, sunlight. Nothing works on you, does it?"

	Al:  " I beeped, you know."
	Peg: " No, you didn't. You're always saying you did things when
	       you didn't. And I'm not just talking about sex."

	Al:  " Peg, when you married me was it pre-meditated or a drive-by
	       marriage?"
	Peg: " Either way, I missed."

	Al: " Home, work, can a man have too much fun?"

	Al: " Am I truly nothing? Could the neighborhood children be
	      right?"

	<door slams>
	Peg: <to Al>" That could be Kelly with her new boyfriend. Take care
	     of him quick, like you do me."

	Guy:   " I'm an aldreman."
	Kelly: " That's a priest."
	Guy:   " Actually, it's like a city councilman."
	Kelly: " Then why dod you want me to call you 'father?'"
	
	Peg: " To think, all along we thought that you'd <Bud> be the
	       success in the family. Boy, were we wrong.?
	Bud: " Maybe I should throw on a pair of Speedo's and parade around
	       in front of Sandra Day O'Connor."

	Peg: " Bud, don't be jealous, you're both of our children. It's just
	       that Kelly is our favorite now."

	Kelly: " You could have thrown me for a fruit loop. But I guess the 
	         signs were there that he was married: The wedding ring, the
	         diapers in the back seat of the station wagon and the late
	 	 night calls from that crazy woman saying 'Stay away from my
		 husband, you little tramp.'"
	




Episode 515: A man's castle
---------------------------
	Bud: " You don't know what the guys say about me.  
	       They say: Bud, Bud, alone he'll sit, 
	       Bud, Bud, he'll touch no..."
    	Al:  " I don't wanna talk about you!"

	Al: " Back then, mother meant cooking but then gay meant happy."

	Al:  " Bud, take your sister for a walk and don't tie her to a
	       hydrant and go for a sode like last time. Just because she
	       can't think doesn't mean she can't feel."
	Peg: " It would help for you to be seen with a pretty girl."
	Bud: " Yea, right, They'll just think I paid for her like everyone
	       else."

	Al:  " Take all your clothes off."
	Peg: " You finally want to do it?"
	Al:  " Since I'm not going to eat, I need something to kill my 
	       appetite."

	Al: " You spent $2000 on decorating school. It must have been my
	      fault, I didn't have to say 'I do.' I could've just taken one
	      of your uncle's shotgun blasts in my back."

	Al:  " Peg, if you want this house to look better, dust. If you want it
	       to smell better, cook. If you want it to be happy, leave. But
	       don't touch this house. I'm not a man happy with change."
	Peg: " That explains your job and your underwear."

	Kelly: " Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to eat?"
	Al:    " Yes, and this time it's no pipe dream. I gave your mother
		 some money, towed her car to the market, tied he hands to
	 	 the cart and jump started her to the meat department. Soon
		 we'll be eating dead animals from every race and religion."

	Peg: " The guy I fell in love with had an easy going spirit with a 
	       fast car. But he wouldn't marry me, so I ended up with you."

	Al:  " Of course it's my fault. I didn't have to say 'I do.' I
	       could've just take one of your uncle's shotgun blasts in the
	       back and been done with it."
	Peg: " Then we wouldn't have had that great wedding reception where
	       your father whispered in my ear 'If you like my son, I'm
	       twice as fun.'"

	Al: " Yes, it is a room. It's in the name: Bath-room. It's from the
	      Greek 'bathrockopolis <?>' : a quiet place away from the
	      camels and women."
	
	<Peg tells Al about her decorating changes>
	Peg: " ...and when you flush it, it plays 'We've Only Just Begun.'"
	Al:  " Peg, you know that's our wedding song. Everytime I hear it, my
	       innards freeze solid."



Episode 516: Al vs old High School Rival
----------------------------------------
	Al:  " I miss my bowl, Peg."
	Peg: " Oh, it's not you're fauly, honey...you're just groggy in
	       the morning."
	Al:  " Not that bowl, you whinning, ninny of a woman."

	Al: " Sure, I had glory but you had pie. I haven't eaten in 19 years.
	      ...So excuse me if I don't cry for you, Argentina."

	Al: " You know that exercise place above the store with the sign 
	      '1/2 ton discount?' Well, they played 'Jump' and damned if the
	      whole herd didn't. They came crashing down blocking out the
	      sun. It was cellulite winter. Oh, the humungity."

	Al:  " The shoe store decided to lay me off until repairs are made."
	Peg: " Can the economy take the hit?"
	Al:  " Can you?"

	Al: " I'm born and bred to be a shoeman."

	<Al relives glory>
	Al: " Hut 1, Hut 2, I got the ball and went through the line like
	      grandma through a herd of cattle."

	Peg: " Al, why don't you get a license plate that tells the world
	       how YOU feel?"
	Al:  " Because 'KILL ME' was taken by your father."
	
	Al:  " Peg, you'll never believe what happened at work today."
	Peg: " Tongue caught in the shoe sizer again?"
	Al:  " You civilians never realize what a sophisticated piece of
	       equipment that is."

	Peg:   " Al, surely you can see the humor in a man who makes nothing
		 saying he lost his job."
	Bud:   " Yea, it's like Kelly saying she lost her mind."
	Kelly: " I don't get it."

	Al: " I'm a shoe man, born and bred, dammit."

	Peg: " Please come back."
	Al:  " You're worried, aren't you?"
	Peg: " Of course I'm worried. Tomorrow's garbage day. I'm not getting
	       up early."




Episode 517: Weenie Tots
------------------------
	Al: " This is a fine mess. She's an idiot and the smart one's
	      mad at us."

	Peg: " Al, you ruined my day."
	Al:  " Peg, it's your own fault. Stop asking me how you look in the
	       morning."

	<Al heats up M&M on the stove>
	Al: " I bet the peanut is all warm and toasty insdie...<Al prays>...
	      Lord, bless this M&M and the mighty cockraoch I slain in 
	      battle to get it."

	Al: " Peg, can we cut out the normal charade of me forbidding
	      you and you ignoring me."

	Marcie: < to Jefferson >" Remember, you are a white collar criminal
	         while he < Al > is a ring-around-the-collar criminal."

	Bud: " I was one of 5 Chicago area kids to be chosen to meet the
	       President."
	Al:  " Son, do me a favor. If you see the old white haired lady, she
	       seems nice, ask her if she'll go back to the kitchen and cook
	       something up for dear old dad...and, if you get the chance,
	       steal some of the presidental toilet paper...I bet it's smooth."

	Al:  " Peg, get me my checkbook."
	Peg: " Which one do you want? The joint account or the corporate 
	       account."
	Al:  " I want the joint account: the one that says,'Mrs Peggy Bundy &
	       the nameless shoe salesman."
	Peg: " At least they left off the 'witless' part."
	<Al signs check out loud>
	Al:  " Nameless shoe salesman."

	<Al decides who gets the $$ between Kelly & Bud 
	Al: " This is a tough call. One is a once in a lifetime chance and
	      the other is meeting the President."

	Al:  " It's a lifetime supply of Weenie Tots."
	Peg: " Maybe, you'll share these little weenies with Peggy."

	Girl: " Do you smell anything?"
	Al:   " No...Okay, here's the truth. I'm not 25. I'm not a millionaire
	  	and those were my feet. I'm Joe Namath. 1969 Super Bowl. That
		was me."
	Girl: " 1969. I wasn't even born yet."
	<Al cries>

	Bud: " I could've ridden in Air Force One. I could've had a scholarship
	       to Harvard. I could've played Nintendo with Dan Quayle in the
	       war room."

	<Peg opens last box of Weenie Tots>
	Al: " Congratulations, you just won a trip to Disney Fist."

	Peg: " We won! We won!"
	Al:  " Where do you wanna go?"
	Peg: " Hawaii."
	Al:  " Then I'll go to Europe."


Episode 518: Al Tries to Remember a Song
----------------------------------------
	Al: " What a life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the bury the
    	      wife in the back yard."

	<Kelly is dressed up and Bud comes downstairs sniffing>
	Bud:   " Ah, the essence of 'Bring Em All On.' It must be Friday
		 cos Saturday is the essence of 'Free Clinic.'"

	Bud: <to Kelly>" You're testy. Could it not only be your date that's
	     late?"
	
	Bud: " Kelly, you might as well hear it from someone who loves you.
	       You're hagged out. Finished. Over. But keep your chins up,
	       Kel. Guys'll still call you. They'll just call you 'Hey
	       Waitress','Hey You','Hey Thief.'"

	Al: " Peg, except for the day before I met you, today is the happiest
	      day of my life."

	Kelly: " If I wanted intelligent conversation, I'd still be dating
	         my teachers."

	Al:  " My family not being any help. That's something new."
	Peg: " Al, must we be the early round spit bucket in the early round 
	       knock out that is your life?"




Episode 519: Supermarket, Pt 1
------------------------------
	< Peg cranks air conditioner >
	Al:  " Gentle, Peg, you're not having sex with it"
	Peg: " We'll know for sure if it quits after a minute, rolls
	       over and then asks what's on TV.... Well, it might be,	
	       I don't feel a thing."

	Kelly: " Mom, dad scared me."
	Peg:   " He scares us all."

	Kelly: " An idiot can buy an air conditioner. I could buy an air
		 conditioner."

	Peg: " I thought you were going to a discount store to but one of those
	       Korean products with almost real names like ou Fridgea-door
	       refrigerator."
	Al:  " Well, my beauti-fool wife."

	<Beautiful babe came near Al. He drops something>
	Al:     " Miss, you dropped something."
	<She bends down to pick it up. Al stares at her chest.>
	Babe:   " Thank you, market dweller."
	Kelly:  " Daddy?"
	Al:     " What?"
	Kelly:  " Do you want something?"
	Al:     " Yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons...<he sees
		  Marcie>...and a plucked chicken."
	Marcie: " I thought I smelles shoes. It's the VanderBundy's and their
		  summer home."

	Al:  " Peg, get the cart."
	Peg: " How do I work this thing?"
	Al:  " The same thing you do with me. You get behind it and shove."

	<Al gets an old lady arrested for shoplifting>
	Peg: " Al, do you think we did the right thing?"
	Al:  " So, an old lady goes to jail, who gets hurt?"



Episode 520: Supermarket, Pt 2
------------------------------
	Marcie:  " This man <Al> cut in front of me. I should be the
		   one millionth customer."
	Manager: <to Al>" Did you cut in front of this woman."
	Al: 	 " What woman?"

	Peg: " You get the food and the glory. All I get is to stand in
	       front of this big hot thing."
	Al:  " No, that's the stove. You're the big hot thing."

	Al: " We will win in the Bundy tradition. We will cheat our heineys
	      off."

	Peg: " You can do all this < build the cart of death > yet you can't
	       get a better job."
	Al:  " Research will show you that the majority of your instruments
	       of death are from the zombie-like daydreams of shoe salesmen."

	Peg: " Can't you give him < the Beaver > a job at the shoe store?"
	Al:  " That's all I need. Work all day with the Beaver and come
	       home to you."

	Bud: <to the Beaver>" Why don't you team up with that Eddie Munster 
	     kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91?"

	Bud: <to Marcie>" You know what you need to get your mind off this?
	     A nice cool Bud."

	Al: <to Footy's owner>" The only thing wrong with my checks is that
	    they're post-dated, like your milk."

	<Supermarket shopping spree is on>
	Al:        " That's my douche."
	Jefferson: " There's enough room in feminine hygiene for both of us. 
		     Let's shake on it."
	<Jefferson sprays some FDS in Al's eyes>
	Al:	   " I'm blind and I smell like summer rain...Peg, where are
		     you...<Marcie pretends she's Peg>...Jefferson sprayed
		     women's goo in my eyes and now I'm blind. He should take
		     some home and spray it in his own eyes before he gets
		     in bed with his wife <Marcie kicks Al>.




Episode 521: Kids! Wadaya gonna do?
-----------------------------------
	Al: <to Bud>"You mean that was you Bundifying that girl over there?"

	<Bud has no date again>
	Bud:  " Buck, you and I are alot alike."
	Buck: " No, I've had sex and at least I have the decency to die at 13."

	<Bud kisses girl>
	Bud:  " Was it everything I told you it would be?"
	Girl: " No, but it was everything the other girls told me it would be."

	Al: <to Peg>"I spent three hours with you already. I watched you buy
	    lingerie I wouldn't let you wear even it you weren't my wife."

	Marcie: " Why do you leave your front door open? A maniac can come in
		  and kill you."
	Al:	" Like I get what I want."

	Marcie: " I guess you were mistaken when you came over to borrow 
		  something and we told you to take what you wanted...which
	 	  leads us to our flatware."
	Al:	" I didn't steal your bra."

	<The Bundy's & Darcy's decide to watch Beaches>
	Al:  " We can watch it until they reach 30. Then we can watch Breast
	       Monsters."
	Peg: " Oh, please! You don;t know how to capture breasts on this 
	       planet...<to Marcie>...He loves 'em, you know, but he doesn't
	       know how to handle 'em. Sometimes, he'll grab my knee, squeeze
	       it, and say,'Who's the king...Who's the king.'" I laugh so much
	       that I almost loose my place in my book."
	Al:  " In my defense, most things today orbit around her knees."

	Al: <thinking>"How long is this movie? There isn't a woman under 50.
	    About now, the Breast Gladiators would be battling with the liquid
	    cheese but, geez, I'd be missing out on all this human feeling."



Episode 521.5: Top of the Heap Pilot
------------------------------------
	Al: " That TV got me through alot of tough times. I watched it
	      conceiving my 2 kids. I had to put my fore arm in Peg's mouth
	      so I could hear 'Get Smart.' I wised up for Bud. I put Peg's
	      head next to the TV."

	Al: " Don't marry. It's only goor for the woman. They take your youth
	      and your money. Then their butts get big. Then you die. And 
	      their butts get small again until the next guy comes along."

	Verducci: " Women today understand we don't want to goto sleep after
	  	    sex...we have to."
	Al:       <after some contemplation>" I was thinking. I don't have to
		  goto sleep after sex. I want to. I welcome the darkness."



Episode 522: The Bundy's & Darcy's go prospecting, Pt 1 
-------------------------------------------------------
	<The Bundy's are stuck at a general store with 3 old drunks>
	Peg: " Hey, Al, these guys find me sexy."
	Al:  " I would too, Peg, if I had whiskey for breakfast."




Episode 523: The Bundy's & Darcy's go prospecting, Pt 2
-------------------------------------------------------
	Kelly: " Daddy, it's so hot you could lay an egg on the sidewalk."

	Al: <to Peg>" We've seen nuggets in this here mine as big as your
	    mother's behind and, just like your mother's behind, it's there
	    for the taking, if you're brave enough to reach out and grab it."



Episode 524: Buck the Stud Dog
------------------------------
	<living room is empty & you hear voices>
	Peg: " Come on, Al. Is that the best you can do?"
	Al:  " I can't concentrate if you keep screaming instructions like
	       that."
	Peg: " Not like that, you moron. Who taught you to do this anyway?"
	<Peg & Al come in aftr cleaning up from Buck>

	Kelly: " Did Buck and the female dog consumate?"
	Peg:   " Not really. Buck got that confused look on his face like he
	     	 didn't know what to do. I know that face well. If I've
	 	 seen it once, I've seen it once every three months."

	<Bud is dressed weirdly>
	Kelly: " Mom, dad, did Bud tell you yet < about her A in clas>?!"
	Al:    " Not in so many words but we're not blind."



Episode 601: Marcie & Peg are pregnant
--------------------------------------
	Al: " I'm gonna get myself a 'Big Boy's Ratchet Set' and go
	      around this house and tighten more nuts than you did in
	      high school."

	Al: <to Jefferson>"Today is the first day of the end of your life."

	Al: " Soon my hounds will be out of the house and I'll be free, 
	      free...except for her <Peg>."

	Marcie: " How far along are you?"
	Peg:    " 5 months...Al, didn't you notice I was getting fat?"
	Al:     " Well, yes...That can't be, let me check my journal.
		  5 months ago, you say."
	Peg:    " Isn't it a dream?"
	Al:     " It better be. Let's see, 5 months ago. April, week 1:
		  sold shoes, watched TV. April, week 2: sold shoes,
		  watched TV, wept. April, week 3: sold shoes, had a 
		  few beers, passed out, drempt I fell in a washing
		  machine, woke up feeling cheap...Peg!!!!"

	Kelly: " Why didn't you check your urges?"
	Bud:   " Of all the blunders a middle-aged man with no income can 
	         make...You and your animal instincts...So, Mr. Sow-your-
		 wild-oats-at-50, as if what you did wasn't bad 
		 enough but with our own mother for god's sake."
	
	Bud: <to Al>"Thanks for everything, Johnny Appleseed."

	Bud: " Do you think it's safe for mom to have a baby at her age?
	       What is she? A million?"
	
	Bud: " Look, it's Harry Hormone <Al>."

	<Peg is eating in bed>
	Peg: " I don't know about you but I'm horny as hell."
	Al:  " So am I but you don't see me bothering you about it."
	Peg: " If you don't, it won't see you fail until you take it to
	       work with you...come on Al."
	Al:  " I don't know what turns me on more: the sexy failure talk
	       or the baloney shrapnel hitting me in the face."

	Peg: " Are you as happy as me?"
	Al:  " How could I be?"
	Peg: " It's your baby, too!"
	Al:  " Oh, I thought you said heavy."

	Peg: " What should we name the baby?"
	Al:  " The reaper."
	
	Peg:    " We were talking about breast swell."
	Al"     " Congrats, Marcie, you finally get to go bra shopping."
	Marcie: " Well, Al, you above anyone should know how much easier
		  it is to lug small things around."

	Al:  " What did I do?"
	Bud: " You still don't know, do you?"
	Al:  " Don't look at me, I wasn't even awake."

	Al:  " We could name it after my father."
	Peg: " I don't want to name him 'Town Drunk."



Episode 602: Al & Jefferson are running away
--------------------------------------------
	<Al's rubbing Peg's belly>
	Peg: " Al, I don't feel the fatherhood flowing through me."
	Al:  <looking at Peg's belly>" You may not have felt it but it's
	     obviously there."

	Marice: " Tell us what goes through your mind when you sell a pair
	     	  of shoes."
	Al: 	" I think 'Gee, who could be stupid enough to buy such a cheap
	      	  thing but then someone knocked up my next door
	      	  neighbor, so I think anything is possible."

	<Kids are stupid>
	Al:  <to Peg>" It's not because they didn't have a wave machine. It's
	       because your parents were brother and sister."
	Peg: " That's not true. It's just that they started to look alike
	       when mom'm hair fell out."

	Jefferson: " Having sex with your pregnant wife is like putting
		     gas in a car that you've already wrecked."

	Jefferson: " Why are you running, Al?"
	Al:        " Can you seriously look at me and ask that?"

	Jefferson: " Where are you going?"
	Al:        " Where the shoemen run wild. Where there's never heard
		     an impregnating word. And the hooters run free all day."

	Al: <about baby>" He's already got one up on the others. He's already
	    smarter than Kelly and closer to a woman than Bud will ever get.
	    What a pair of losers."

	Al: " The gods are probably playing a cruel game of ' Can You Top
	      This.' One said 'Let's make him a shoe salesman.' The next one
	      said 'Let's give him a red head.' And then one god, probably a
	      cruel hungover god, said 'I know. I know. Let's not let him eat
	      yet never starve.'"

	Al: " I feel like Exxon: one spill and you're paying for it the rest 
	      of your life."

	Al: " You want to hear a sad story? My wife's pregnant and I think it's
	      mine. The end."




Episode 604: Kelly is a pool shark
----------------------------------
	NOTE: Ed O'Neill puts on a great performance in this episode

	Kelly: " Dad, can I have $1000?"
	Al:    " Get it from Bud. I just gave him a million."
	Kelly: " That's the story of my life: a dollar short and a week late."
	
	Peg: " I've got to go to the doctor. I want you to come with me."
	Al:  " I never came with you before."
	Peg: " Don't get me started. I was talking about the doctor."

	<Bud comes up with Grandmaster B image>
	Bud: " What am I?"
	Al:  " Mommy's second little mistake on me?"

	Marcie: " Can I ask you a question?"
	Al:     " Well, just put a hat on it 'til it grows to a woman's
		  length."
	Marcie: " Can't I just grow 1 really long one and wrap it around my
		  head a few times?"

	<Peg needs birthing class partner>
	Peg: " I need someone besides you to be the father of my child."
	Al:  " You should have thought of that 5 months ago."
	Peg: " I thought you'd get suspicious is he showed any signs of
	       promise."

	<Al's watching TV>
	TV: " Stay tuned for our after-school special: 'I Drink Cos My Dad's
	      a Shoesalesman'"

	Marcie: " Jefferson's been coming home late smelling of cigarettes and
		  exotic beer. Where's he been?"
	Al:     " If he comes home to you probably a bar with really ugly 
		  women."

	Al:        " I've been running all over town selling blood to 9
		     blood banks."
	Jefferson: " But the human body only has 8 pints."
	Al:        " That's what they say but the brain hides some."

	Al: " Failure was in my blood. Guess I don't have to worry about that
	      anymore."

	<Al drinking after giving blood>
	Al: " The brain doesn't need blood. It just needs to be kept wet.

	Bud: " Dad, do you got a minute?"
	Al:  " For you, Bud? No."



Episode 605: Anti-Baby Meeting
------------------------------
	Al: " We take a state no one's using, one they don't care about, say,
	      Idaho, take all the preganant women, shove 'em in a donut truck
	      and ship 'em off to Boise...We have Pregnaho, PMSachusetts, but
	      where we're going is called Breast Virginia."

	Al:  " This is what happens when we let Pregnasuars rule the Earth. We
	       have one in our very house: The Great Red Pregzilla. Are we 
	       gonna let her se us with our legs in the air?"
	Bud: " I can't speak for Kelly but she won't see me that way."

	<Al & the kids are working on demands>
	Al:    " Demand 340..."
	Kelly: " Love and affection?"
	Al:    " It has to be something we all want."
	Bud:   " I want clean dry sheets...It gets humid in my room."
	Kelly: " Dancing with a rubber woman will do that to ya."

	Bud: " You must forgive Kel. She might wake up if you say 'I just got
	       paid and I wanna get...'"
	Peg: " That's enough!"

	Bud: <reads Kelly's baby meeting minutes> " I can no longer write 
	     down the insane ramblings of what used to be my mother. This baby
	     is a curse to us all. Wait. I have to give 'Hail Baby'...There
	     I've done it. I feel cheaper than I've ever felt and that's
	     saying something."

	Marcie: " When I get back I want to strip him <Jefferson> of every
	 	  ounce of human dignity and you're <Peg> the best."
	Al:	" Yep, she's the best. She debased me."




Episode 606: Buck won't eat
---------------------------
	Kelly: <picks up Dr. Spock's book>" Where does Dr Spock say that
	       pregnant women can't feed anyone named Bud or Kelly?"
	Peg:   " Page 15, I think."
	Kelly: " Hey, you can't pull that one over on us. Bud can read, you
	         know."

	Al:  " Remember when you could park on the street for free in this 
	       country? Am I the only one that senses our frredoms are being
	       taken away? The freedom to park. The freedom not to fasten your
	       seat belts. To not worry about having a working muffler. Back
	       then,you could tell a man was coming by the black smoke belching
	       from his American car as he tossed beer cans and french fry
	       packages out the window. Now, how's a man supposed to have fun?
	       By being with his family? I weep for this country."
	Peg: " That's very toughing, rub my feet."
	Al:  " I wouldn't rub your feet if Aladin came out."

	Bud: " I think Buck's sick."
	Al:  " What's wrong with my hairy man?"
	Peg: " We've been married 20 years and you're just starting to wonder
	       about that."

	Bud: " Good, the Darcy's are here."
	<Marcie and Peg are crying. Jefferson's having sympathy pains>
	Al:  " Kids, take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom
	       commercials."

	Peg:       " Rub my belly."
	Marcie:    " Rub my belly."
	Jefferson: " Rub my belly."
	Al:        " Kids, don't look back. We'll all be salt."

	Peg:   " Al, how come you're feet aren't swollen and you never complain
	         about your breasts?"
	Kelly: " Yea, dad, tell us."
	Al:    " Peg, if you don't have them, they can't hurt. Tell them
	         Marcie."

	Cousin Effie: " There's nothin' but sin in the city anyways. I say if
		 	you're gonna gyrate naked on tables for money, you
			should do it for the family."

	<Al eats dog food to get Buck to eat. Buck doesn't>
	Bud: " It's no use. It can't be the dog food. Dad's been gobbling it
	       down for days and he's healthier than ever."



Episode 607: Al gets glasses
----------------------------
	Al:  " People who sell shoes to fat women in skirts should
	       not have 20/20 vision."

	<Al drove into a river>
	Al: " Does it occur to anyone that I read 'Bridge Ends Here'
	      just fine and just floored it?"

	<Al picks up the TV guide while he can't see>
	Bud: " Who is on the cover?"
	Al:  " Raymond Burr."
	Bud: " That's Delta Burke."
	Al:  " Raymond Burr, Delta Burke, tell me I'm the first one to
	       make that mistake."

	<Al picks up the TV guide while he has glasses>
	Al:    " There he is, Raymond Burr."
	Kelly: " That's Delta Burke."
	Al:    " Raymond Burr, Delta Burke, city of Seattle, it's all 
		 the same."

	Kelly: " I've got something that will cheer you up."
	Bud:   " What, you make customer of the week again at the free clinic?"

	<Al has glasses>
	Al: " I'm going out and take in some of the beauty that out fair
	      city has to offer...I'll be at the nudie bar."

	<Al picks up a picture of Peg. He has glasses>
	Al:  " What the hell is this?"
	Bud: " That's mom."
	Al:  " I didn't ask for all this!"

	<Al gits rid of glasses>
	Al: " I may not see too well. I may kill a few people and run into
	      a river or two but it's better than looking stupid."
	
	Bud: " Dad's not old. He can still do everything he did when he was
	       young. Look at him sitting there. Just like when we were 
	       little."

	Al:    " Everyday at 3:00 I see this girl that works down at the
		 Aerobics store. She flirts with me. I flirt with her. It's
	   	 nothing but it gets you through the day. I always thought
	  	 she was pretty but today I saw here and she's 40. 40. I
	 	 mean, she's old."
	Kelly: " Dad, you're over 40."
	Al:    " But I'm a guy. That's totally different."



Episode 608: God's Shoes
------------------------
	Al: " A fat woman came into the store and said she was a size 5.
	      I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she
	      paniced, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging
	      me behind. Thank god a stick of butter fell from her purse
	      and I was able to grease my thumb and escape."
	
	Kelly: " How do you feel, daddy."
	Al:    " Like any man that fell 2 stories and landed on hid head:
		 grateful not to be with your mom."

	Al:    " Why didn't you dial 911?"
	Kelly: " I couldn't remember the number."

	<Al saw God>
	Bud: " Maybe we can get you a gig going 'Coocoo (?) for Coconuts.'"

	<Al recites the Shoe Commandments>
	Al:  " Thou shall have shoes with toes stitched in. Thou shall have
	       socks attached to the shoes. Thou shall have other things
	       coming forthwith."

	<Al's on weirdo talk show>
	Marcie:    " This is what you booked him on?"
	Jefferson: " Every time I called Oprah, it seemed to be lunch."

	Kelly: " The shoe thing is silly but not any more silly than the
		 pet rock, the mood ring, and NBC's Sunday night lineup."

	Jefferson: " He's <Al> really been up there <his bedroom> for 40
		     days and 40 nights?"
	Bud:       " Actually, 40 days and 39 nights. He took a break to
		     watch 'Planet of the D-Cups.'"



Episode 609: Kelly's TV show, PT 1
----------------------------------
	Kelly: " My whole modelling class went to the public access channel
	 	 for out poise and personality test."
	Bud:   " What did you do? Spin 2 diaphrams on your fingers and sing
	 	 'Somewhere in the Night?'"

	Bud: " It's almost time for Kelly's show on public acess TV."
	Al:  <sarcastically>" That won't bring any more shame onto the family."
	Bud: " What do you think she'll do? Have a scholarly discussion of
	       Ezra Pound's poetry or get her hair stuck in her mouth and chase
	       it like a dog chases it's tail."
	
	


Episode 610: Kelly's TV show, PT 2
----------------------------------
	<after Kelly's show on tv>
	Al:  " We have to say something nice to Kelly."
	Bud: " How about 'At least they didn't send the energizer bunny
      	       through the show.'"?

	Bud:   " What's that guy that I haven't got?"
	Kelly: " Should I start above or below the waist?"

	Bud: " Why, just yesterday you said that when you were little you used
	       to water things smarter than Kelly."
	Al:  " Well, you were the one that said,'What's the difference 
	       between an elephant and Kelly? One's grey, has 4 legs and a 
	       trunk  & the other's a moron."

	Al:  < to TV exec >"Let's run it up the flag pole and see if it waves.
	     This guy has fighting footwear. It's called Kung Shoe. Ok, let's
	     throw it in the oven and see if it bakes. It's set in the 24th
	     century. It's called Shoe Trek. Ok, let's throw it in the
	     bedroom and see if Madonna sleeps with it.It doesn't have anything
	     to do with shoes but I want to work personally with it.It's called
	     Breasts."
	Guy: " I just don't feel it."
	Al:  " It doesn't surprise me."

	Al: " There's something good that came out of all this. Nothing bad
	      happened to me. It's possible that the Bundy cloud of failure
	      has passed over me and onto my kids like I only dreamed 
	      possible."




Episode 611: Al dreams of becomming a Private Eye
-------------------------------------------------
	Peg: " Why don't you get a second job? You know, lots of families
	       are 2 income families."
	Al:  " You see, Peg, 2 incomes means that 2 people, you know, in the
	       same family, work."
	Peg: " Well, I don't have two husbands in this family."

	Al: " Peg, you can stab me with knives, 
	      you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes
	      during sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get
	      a second job."

	<Beautiful lady comes in>
	Al:     <thinking>" One look at her beautiful thighs and I knew that I
	        had to play this out 'til the bitter end or at least 'til I
	        saw some hooters."
	Lady: " I don't have much to offer. How does $100 sound?"
	Al:     <aloud>" I'll pay it."

	Al: <to babe>"Sit down and show me your tail...eh, tell me your tale."

	Al: <thinking>" She had a set of curves like the Matterhorn (?). This
	    time there were no Japanese tourists waiting in line ahead of me 
	    for a ride."
	
	Old Guy: " Who are you?"
	Al:	 " Your worst nightmare: a shoeman with a badge."
	Old Guy: " No, my worst nightmare is a hooker with cold hands."
	
	Al: <to Kelly>" Pumpkin, if daddy gets the chair will you sit in
	    his lap one more time."

	Al: " I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head or a bad
	      burrito in your belly."

	Lady: " They'll put me away for 20 years. Will you wait for me?"
	Al:   " What for, you'll be old."

	Peg: " I'll get some aspirin and we can sit hear and solve the case
	       of the wife who's not getting any."

	Al:    " Kids, Mom is she..."
	Bud:   " repulsed by you?"
	Kelly: " disappointed financially and sexually by you?"
	Al:    " No, I don't care about that. Is she pregnant?"
	Kids:  " No."
	Al:    " Marcie?"
	Kelly: <to Bud about Al>" Is he crazy?"
	Bud:   " He must be. He didn't ask about you."

	
	
	
Episode 612: Shoe Groupie
-------------------------
	<lottery is at 32 million>
	Peg:   " 32 million dollars. That's a lot of money even split three
	         ways."
	Kelly: " Aren't we forgetting someone?"
	Peg:   " Of course, four ways. How could I forget Buck?"
	Bud:   " I'll give some of mine to the unfortunate. The unfortunate
		 babes that don't know what it's like to have a Bud in their
		 hand."
	Kelly: " If anyone knew what that'd feel like, it'd be you."

	Kelly: " You shouldn't get a full share. You were left on the steps
		 by trolls."
	Bud:   " At least when the doctor smacked me when I was born, I cried
		 instead of saying,' OOH, do it again.'"
	Kelly: " Did I talk to the doctor?"
	Peg:   " Of course not, you didn't learn to talk 'til you were 10."

	<They don't win>
	Kelly: " Nothing for 12 weeks, is that some sort of record?"
	Peg:   " Not for me."

	<Al touches Bud>
	Al: " My child."
	<Al touches kelly>
	Al: " My child."
	<Al touches Peg>
	Al: " My God!"

	Al: " I've never cheated on you and if you think you're only a tad
	      over 30 then I was only a tad drunk at our wedding."

	Fat Lady: " I want my money back. I've worn these shoes only once 
	 	    and they split at the sides."
	Al:	  " Let me explain. Just like an elevator, there's a 2 ton
		    weight limit. How about I just nail the soles to the
		    bottom of your feet to give you added traction while
		    you're pulling the ice wagon."
	Fat Lady: " You'll be hearing from my lawyers."
	Al:	  " Is that the firm of Hagen & Daas?"

	<babe hits on Al>
	Kelly: " This might just be the shoe groupie."
	Bud:   " You're gonna make some man a good end table one day."

	Kelly: " They didn't have intercourse or anything like that."
	Bud:   " He tickled her feet and then he ate her muffins."
	Peg:   " It's not only sex. He's eating with her, too."

	Peg: " You can forget about having sex with me ever again."
	Al:  " I already did."

	Al: " I can see why all of you think I'm cheating on my wife.
	      After all, she did bear my kids."

	Al: " I should've done it. I should've eaten her muffins and,
	      before I fell asleep, given her the best 30 seconds of
	      her life."

	<babe is naked in Al's bed>
	Al: " This is a sex free house and, if I have any say about it,
	      it'll stay that way."

	Peg: " Al, this is the 3rd day in a row you've come home happy. I
	       just had a physical and I'm fine. So what are you so happy
	       about?"
	Al:  " What if I said I've come to grips with my job and I've come
	       to appreciate what the 3 of you mean to my life?"
	Peg: " We'd say you were lying."
	Al:  " And you'd be right."

	Bud: " Well, Kel. I think we can go home now. The only person dad's
	       cheating on mom with is death."

	Peg: " Do you want to explain yourself?"
	Al:  " Well, I lef high school, lost the will to live, and here I am."

	Al: " Listen, Peg. If I was ever going to leave you it wouldn't be for
	      another woman. I don't want another woman.  I wouldn't mind 
	      having another TV, though. You know what I'd really like? One
	      of those picture in a picture jobs. Sometimes they've got a game
	      on and at the same time they got a good hooter movie. Flipping
	      between the channels gets me kinda anxious."




Episode 613: Al makes a will
----------------------------
	Al: " I'm 45. I've lived, I've loved and then I even married."

	Al: <to Peg>"Do you remember the name of the cheerleader I liked
	    before I got drunk and woke up married to you?"

	<Al's ex-flame is fat>
	Sandy: " Do you like what you see?"
	Al:    " I don't know. I haven't taken it all in yet."

	<Al's trying to get ball back from fat old girlfriend>
	Al: " You know I only dance if I'm gonna get some sex for it."
	<She gives him the look>
	Al: <thinking>"That sure opened an ugly door"

	Girl: " Remember our song? Dance with me if it comes on."
	Al:   " Only if it comes on."
	<Radio starts playing that song>
	Al: " Good one, God."

	<Bundy's come home with a ton of loot>
	Peg:   " Thank's for taking us with you, Al."
	Kelly: " Can we do this again?"
	Al:    " Well it's not everyday an uncle dies and the coroner leaves
		 the door unlocked."

	Guy: " Don't push it, Bundy. There's laws in this state against 
	       stealing, not to mention overlowing a dead man's toilet."

	<Al's looking for things to put in his will>
	Al: " My mistake was looking in the present. I should look in the
	      past, Pre-Peg. I'll give my #33 jersey to Peggy. That's how
	      old she'll tell her next husband she is. I'll give my MVP
	      trophy to Kelly to go along with hers. Though I wonder how she
	      got an MVP trophy never having played the game...I'll give my
	      game ball to Bud, the carrier and the future of the Bundy seed
	      and, by the way it looks, the last."

	Jefferson: " Do you want to go out for a drink?"
	Al:	   " Later, after you've left."

	<Al calls directory assistance>
	Marcie: " You just spent 25 cents to get a football worth 10 cents to
		  give to your son. I just have one more question."
	Al:	" The part with the cups goes in front."

	<Al calls detective agency>
	Al: " I need to find a girl who I gave a football to that I scores 4
	      touchdowns with...Yes, my name's Al Bundy!?...Polk High, yes!?...
	      Yes, I do have a problem with foot odor!?...Peg, get off the 
	      other phone."

	Al: " Bud, this ball means everything to me. Not that you and what's
	      her name and what's her name haven't brought me great joy."

	Al:  " I went through hell to get this ball but it was worth it because
	       I'm going to leave you, my only begotten son, my Joe Nuxall
	       baseball card."
	Bud: " What about your football?"
	Al:  " My football? Are you insane? I'm going to leave this to the only
	       one I truly love, me."



Episode 614: Ethical Dilemma
----------------------------
	Al: " They must have had a good game of 'pin the tail on the
	      shoesaleman' in heaven today. This middle aged woman came into
	      the store wearing a blossom hat for the 'I'm just a cute little
	      thing of 43' look. She was looking for something to wear to a
	      Crosby-Stills-Nash reunion concert so I recommended a recycable
	      paper bag to put on her head to save the Earth two ways. She
	      maced me but, as I lashed out blindly, I think I clipped some
	      teeth. She'll be gumming the words to 'Teach the Children.'"

	Peg: " I've invited the Darcy's over to play 'Ethical Dilemma.'"
	Al:  " I don't want to spend the night with two people I can't stand &
	       Jefferson."

	Al: " It gets better each time as long as it's with the same woman."

	Jefferson: " Will it always be like this, Al?"
	Al:  	   " I will be just like this except we'll be wearing Depends
	 	     Undergarments."
	Peg:   	   " That's not your feminine side."
	Al: 	   " My feminine side is on the couch watching Oprah. 
		     Occasionally pushing aside a breast to scratch a knee."

	Kelly: " Let's have a boy to girl talk. Pretend you're the boy."
	Bud:   " Should I take a number and get in line behind the 27 sailors?"

	Jefferson: " Al's not moving his thimble down the road to sexual
		     intimacy."
	Peg: 	   " Geez, that's a first."

	Jefferson: " I'm trying to win but I keep landing on 'Date a Kennedy --
		     Loose a turn.'"

	Peg: " Guess what we're going to do tonight."
	Al:  " Get naked and try to figure out where out interesting parts
	       used to be."

	Bud: " Dad, I'm hurt."
 	Al:  " That's what happens when you lay the Bundy on someone. It's the
	       result of 30 seconds of wild abandon."
	Bud: " I'm through with women."
	Al:  " What? Did you get married?"

	Bud: " Geez, Kel, it's 7 o'clock. Shouldn't you be chained to a 
	       radiator by now?"

	Babe: " B, thank you for not hurting my dad."
	Bud:  " From the fetal position, I can kill in 3 different ways."

	Bud:   " I already know about women, Kel."
	Kelly: " There's more to us than 'Inflate until feet are puffed up.'"




Episode 615: Zeus Shoes
-----------------------
	Bud: " Mom, we're starving."
	Peg: " Why are you looking at me? Do I look like Sally Struthers?"

	Al:  " You don't get it. do you?"
	Peg: " You should know that better than anyone else."

	Marcie: " Peg, have you seen these blue disks for the toilet. It's
	 	  perfect for Al besides a 6 foot wide toilet with high walls
	 	  for the problem aimer...<to Al>...So now, unlike your
		  career, you have something to shoot for."

	<Bud teaches Peg football>
	Kelly: " Can I teach her stats?"
	Bud:   " Go ahead."	
	Kelly: " Well, there's Alaska, Alabama, Brazil, and the 2 Georgia's:
		 North and South."



Episode 616: Bud turns 18	
-------------------------
	Al: " Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but
	      a woman is only sexy 'til she becomes your wife"

	Al: " I'm giving you six bucks. You'll be tempted to spend it all
	      on the first girl. Don't do it. Six dollars is too much to
	      spend on any girl."

	<Buck gets it on with the pony>
	Buck: " I hope it was as good for whatever it was as it was for me.
		What do I care? I got mine."

	Al: " Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today. The
	      Dept. of Juvenile Corrections bussed some kids over to the
	      the shoe store to see me work. The guards made 'em watch for
	      for 3 hours. Even the most hardened criminals were in tears.
	      It's a new program called 'Scared Rich.' Who's going to be 
	      the last straw today?"
	Peg: " Allllllllll!"
	Al:  " What a suprise?"

	Al: " Through the generations, male Bundy's and looking at hooters
	      that don't belong to them go hand in hand."

	Al:  " You're first bar room fight, like every male Bundy before him.
	       How do you feel?"
	<Bud spits out a tooth>
	Bud: " Great, but what do we tell mom?"
	Al:  " You're a man now. You look her straight in the eye and tell
	       her we were stuck in traffic."



Episode 617: The Egg and I
--------------------------
	<Al has a noose around his neck>
	Kelly: " Is something bothering daddy?"
	Peg:   " He's just preparing to do his taxes."

	Al:  " Look at the size of this bill. They're <IRS> is trying to take
	       away everything I've earned over the years."
	Peg: " No, Al!"
	Al:  " Yes. $44."

	<Steve holds egg>
	Steve: " This bird is as rare to this country as soap is to you
		 all < Bundy's >."

	Marcie: <to Steve>" I wouldn't crawl to you if I had a date with Mel
	 	Gibson and you had the last diaphram on earth."

	Marcie: " You're not god's gift to women."
	Steve:  " Oh, yea. Tell that to the burly Earth-first babes who come
		  out to the woods every spring for the baby moose of lovin'.
		  They may not shave like you and I but they sure can fill out
		  a flannel shirt, I tell ya."

	Steve: " None of you could tell me she <Marcie> was married."
	Peg:   " We don't like to use the 'M-word' in front of the kids."

	Al: <to FBI agent>" Let me tell you something. I served my country. I
	    played high school football. 4 touchdowns on one game. Yet I'm not
	    exempt from state and federal taxes. Now, is this any way America
	    should treat it's heroes. Now you just flash that badge to some
	    registered voter, buddy. We're Bundys. We hate cops."

	Peg: " We're Bundys. We don't call cops. People call them on us."

	<$10,000 reward for Steve>
	Al:  " Is $10,000 worth more to us than a friend?"
	Peg: " Damn, right...Al, this is $10,000. Now, I know in the shoe
	       business, $10,000 is like big foot. People claim to have seen
	       it but nobody's actually layed their hands on it."

	<Jefferson is disguised as a bush>
	Kelly: " You know. I've lived here all my life and I never knew our
	 	 bush could talk."
	Bud:   " Well, Kel. I'm sure our bushes felt the same about you."



Episode 618: Madame Zelda
-------------------------
	Al: <looking up>" Oh, mighty one who created the heavens and the 
	    earth...<looking down>and you who created my wife and kids, why
	    does thou curse me with a TV yet no TV guide?"

	Al: " I have a woman so lame that she thinks that when I groan in 
	      bed that it has something to do with her. Bud wouldn't know
	      the house was on fire if it wasn't on 'Nick At Nite.' And
	      the only reason that Kelly has a head is to keep the rain 
	      out of her neck."

	Al:        " I'm thinking of expansion."
	Jefferson: " What kind of expansion?"
	Al:        " The kind where I keep my woman in ermine and pearls...
	 	     and I won't forget you, Peg."

	Jefferson: " We should keep it simple. You're in & you're out. Just
		     like sex."

	Al:  " I am that cheese."
	Peg: " Alllll!"
	Al:  " Here is the anchovy that no one will touch."

	Peg: " I have a gift. I've been touched."
	Al:  " Not by me."

	Peg: " Al, you're meddling with powers which, like a woman's body,
	       you know nothing about."

	<Buck comes in as a person. The Bundy's are chimps>
	Al:   " Did you give the money to Madame Zelda?"
	Buck: " I used it for bail. Nobody told me it was impolite for
	        humans, when they met a woman, to go up and sniff their
	 	butt."
	
	Peg:   <to Al>" I have 3 words for you 'We want in.'"
	Kelly: " What's the third?"

	Peg: " Al, when I married you for richer or poorer, I thought we'd try
	       one and then the other and then choose. I think we've gone
	       just about as far as we can with the first one."

	Jefferson: " Madame Inga has called the dark forces of Sweden out
		     against you."
	Al:	   " What's going to happen to me? I wake up owning a Volvo?"



Episode 619: Anthrax visits the Bundy's
---------------------------------------
	Bud: " Can I have a party?"
	Al : " I have my own problems to worry about. I have something terrible
	       to do. Let's just say it involves your mother, our anniversary,
	       and marking love to her until I shrivel up and die."

	Jefferson: " Do you want to tell me why you had your mouth around
		     my exhaust pipe?"
	Al:  	   <coughing throughout>" My wife wants me to make love 
		   to her."

	Peg: " Al, I want the whole enchilada. The whole 4 yards."
	Al:  " That's 9 yards, Peg."
	Peg: " Do you really want me to get out the ruler?"

	<Anthrax looks through the Bundy's fridge>
	Joey:    " Oh,the desolation. It's almost empty except for a chia pet."
	Bud:     " That's not a chia pet, it's meat loaf. There's mom's mystery
		   pack...They're eating mom's mystery pack.
	Joey:    " Wow, the colors."
	Charlie: " Is your lump moving?"
	Scott:   " My hands are tingling."
	Joey:	 " It came out of the fridge, why is it hot?"

	Kelly: " They have to stay for six months. They ate mom's mystery
	         pack and now the environmental protection agency had
	         to put the house in quarantine."

	<TV remote is lost>
	Bud:   " I have a plan. Dad once told me of the old days when people
	  	 would go up to the TV and turn it on."
	Kelly: " Get on!"
	Bud:   " It just might work."

	Kelly: " Bud, 50 of your closest friends. Let's see. That's grandma
		 and your stuffed animals."
	Bud:   " Yea, and my favorite welfare mother."

	Bud: " Dad?"
	Al:  " Go away."
	Bud: " It's not about money."
	Al:  " Go away anyhow."

	Jefferson: " You can do it, Al. Wilt Chamderlin claimed to have made
		     love to over 20,000 women."
	Al:	   " Yea, and not one of them was his wife."

	Bud: " Well, Kel. I guess as long as old men in hats pass out lollipops
	       you'll do fine."

	Joey:  " Let's get there early,you said. Let's be responsible for once,
	    	 you said. That dog won't take a wiz on my guitar, you said."
	Scott: " I'm not so sure it was the dog, Mr 2 6-packs of Malt Liquor."

	Marcie: " I'm a woman."
	Dan:    " Yea, he's <Bud> popular. She's <Kelly> a genius. And we're
		  glad to be here."

	Peg: " Al, it's our 20th anniversary and you give me a post card."
	Al:  " Well, I read that the gift for the 20th anniversary is china.
	       That's picture of China. What do you want from me? I could've
	       got you a Chicago Bears mug with a fill up but I said, 'No, it's
	       my wife's anniversary. Here's a nickel, give me the post card.'
	       Happy anniversary, babe."
	Peg: " Al, you never get me anything good. For our 15th anniversary, 
	       you got me some motor oil."
	Al:  " That motor oil's still in your car."
	Peg: " Well, this year I want something special."
	Al:  " Oh, all right. How much?"
	Peg: " What I want won't cost you a thing. I want to be made love to."
	Al:  " And you think that's not going to cost me anything?"
	Peg: " And I'm not just talking about sex, Al. I want to be made 
	       love to."
	Al:  " What in sam hill does that mean?"
	Peg: " I want to be held. I want to be caressed.I want to be romanced."
	Al:  " Peg, I've been secretly hiding $100. Let's just say we call it
	       even?"
	<Peg takes the $$>
	Peg: " No. I want some romance in my life, Al. I'm not talking about
	       the old 30 second crash and burn or the old 20 second bump and
	       snore. And I really don't want the New Year's Eve 10-9-8-7-6-5-4
	       -3-2...Sorry better luck next year."
	Al:  " Peg, if you have any fellings for me, don't make me make love to
	       you...Peg, do you hate me that much?"



Episode 620: Kelly joins Alpha / Al & Jefferson build a workbench
-----------------------------------------------------------------
	Kelly: " If you're stupid and you know it, punch a nerd."

	<Al's trying to put in a screw>
	Al: " I can't find the hole."
	<Marcie pats Peg knowingly>

	Peg: " Don't you have enough things plugged in?"
	Al:  " The only experience you have is with things that use
	       batteries."
	
	Kelly: " Do you think I'm stupid?"
	Al:    " Well...stupid's a relative term."
	Kelly: " You're a relative, that's why I'm asking you."

	Bud:   " Remember Pig Parties in high school...well you're at
		 one now."
	Kelly: " I don't believe you."
	Bud:   " Let me show you."
	<They introduce themselves to the guests>
	Kelly: " Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model."
	Guy 1: " Hi, I'm a Los Angelas public school teacher."
	Kelly: <to Bud>"I still don't believe you."
	Guy 2: " Hi, I'm a network executive."
	Kelly: " That doesn't prove a thing."
	<Bud shows her a picture of last year's winner: Dan Quayle>

	Al:  " I got everything right here <in a box>"
	Peg: " You bought 'shower in a box?'"
	Al:  " I couldn't afford it. Years ago I bought 'wife on a couch.'"

	Peg: " Hold me, Al. I want this moment to last forever."
	Al:  " Don't worry. Every minute with you seems like forever."

	Al:  " Where's the spirit of 'do it yourself?'"
	Peg: " It's alive and well in our bedroom."

	<Kelly can't open door>
	Bud:   " Kelly, let me help you: Push in, pull out."
	Kelly: " How should I remember that?"
	Bud:   " Push, unlike pull, begins with a 'p.'"
	Kelly: " Ahhh."

	Kelly: " I've got brains. I want to show the world that brains and
		 good knockers go hand-in-hand."




Episode 621: Bud Dates Teacher
------------------------------
	< Ding Dong >
	Bud: " A half-hour early. I know how she feels, sometimes 
               I can't wait to touch myself either...Er, you know what I 
               mean"
	Peg: " I'm afraid we do"
	
	Bud:   " A strange thing happened to me at school today. My teacher,
	         Miss McGowan, looked at me."
	Kelly: " Right at you? Is she OK?
	Bud:   <to Kelly>"Listen, craftmatic adjustable girl."

	<Bud's trying to choose which one to date>
	Al:  " Do you know why I wore ole number 33 in high school?"
	Bud: " Because all the money you ever had was 33 cents?"
	Al:  " No, it's because that's how deep the line was to ride the
	       Wild Bundy."
	Bud: " How do I choose?"
	Al:  " Before they both leave you, choose one...< peg yells > but
	       we don't always choose wisely."
	Bud: " What if I choose wrong?"
	Al:  " You will."

	Al:  <to old substitute teacher>" You cradle robber. You Cher. I
	     know what you want, Miss Gabor. The great Bundy fortune. You
	     take my son and have your way sexualy with him. Son, are you
	     really going out with Prune face over here. How many young
	     boys and happy homes have you wrecked in you 1000 years. I
	     know my son's almost a virgin. I've called the proper
	     authorities...< cops come in >...There she is, the strumpet
	     with the blue hair. And she lied about her age, too. The last
	     time she saw 40 was 1840."
	Bud: <thinking>"It can't get worse."
	Al:  " Oh, Bud, your mother needs tampons."
	Bud: <thinking>" That did it...I must be dreaming. I know what will
	     wake me up. I'll get up in front of the class and drop my
	     pants and the embarassment will wake me up...< he drops pants >
	     I dreampt I'm not wearing any underwear, too."
	<Al comes back in>
	Al:  " An another thing...." < he sees Bud, shakes his head, throws 
	       up his arms and leaves>
	
	Kelly: " Daddy, do I have to watch this?"
	Al:    " Yes, you do. As your father, when I find something of quality,
		 I feel it's my responsibility to let me child reap the 
		 benefits. TV is not all trash."
	TV:    "...Now back to Psycho Dad."
	Al:    " This is why we must give to PBS."

	Peg: " The longer I stay sick, the longer it'll be until I do
	       housework around here."
	Al:  " Oh Gee, Peg. We can still have sex, can't we?"

	Bud:  " Can I get a 'Woa, Bud is popular?'"
	Buck: <thinking>" How about a 'Woa. Shoot the boy?'"

	Bud:   " I hae a date."
	Kelly: " A date?...<she picks up the phone>... Rev Fultcher, has hell
		 frozen over? My brother has a date. Yes, Bud. Yes, I know
		 church is the place to be at a time like this. I'm coming
		 right over. Now, yours is the place with a big 'T' on top?"

	Bud: " I have two things that you don't have: a date and an ounce of
	       pride."
	Al:  " Bud, if you had an ounce of pride you wouldn't lie about having
	       a date."

	Al: " Son, you've got plenty of time to date 40 year old women when
	      you're 70. No, make that 35 when you're 80. That feels more right
	      to me. That's what I want when I'm old: a drool nurse with
	      luscious honkers, wiping my chin and shaking her hieny as she
	      washes my dentures in the sink. That's what keeps me going."



Episode 622: Kelly works at TV Land
-----------------------------------
	Al:  " Let's look at my itinerary. Bundy World Tour '92. Day 1:
	       arrive in New York courtesy of 'Escape from New York.' Then
	       it's on to the nation's capital for 'Happy Hooker Goes to
	       Washington.' Day 2:..."
	Peg: " Allllll."
	Al:  " Peg, you're not allowed to 'Al.' There will be no 'al-ing'
	       for my entire vacation. I am not here. Day 2: It's off to
	       merry old England for 'British Babes need Discipline.'"
	Peg: " But, Alllllllll"
	Al:  " Sorry, Peg, the captain has turned on the 'No Peg' sign"

	Peg: " What happened to Kelly?"
	Bud: " Her modeling schoold closed down. It seems they moved upstairs
	       and most of the models couldn't find it anymore."
	Peg: " Poor Kelly. She must be crushed. She spent so much time 
	       learning the art of rapidly dressing and undressing again."
	Bud: " I don't think she learned that at modeling school, mom."

	Bud: " What if she <Kelly> does something rash...like think?"

	Bud:   " Vengeance shall be mine"
	Kelly: " Then vengeance can't be a woman"

	Kid 1:     " What was it like on Happy Days?"
	Jefferson: " I told you my name was Darcy"
	Kid 2:     " Was that your name on the Love Boat?"
	< Ted McKinnley "Jefferson" was on the Love Boat >

	<Bud comes in wearing a 6-hand bug costume>
	Kelly: " You know Bud, if you had another hand,  you'd have a date
	         for every night of the week"

	Kelly: " A fat woman was there today. She was wearing a mumu that
		 covered what must have been 3 or 4 heines. Now, she could
	 	 have either gone through a big door or a small turnstyle.
		 Which does she choose? There was a line forming. Luckily,
		 I got a tub of butter from the 'Delta Burke: Let's get fat'
		 exhibit and greased her up. Then I went over to the Star
		 trek exhibit, hot wired the Enterprise, and sent it up 
		 where no man has gone before."

	<Kelly plays a superhero bug exterminator>
	Tour Guide: " Do you kids have any questions for the verminator?"
	Bud:	    " Does the Verminator want to tell the kids in which
		      backseat she'll be appearing tonight in case they
		      want to further their education?"
	Kelly:	    <whispering>"Don't do this to me, Bud."
	Tour Guide: " Any other questions?"
	Bud: 	    " I see you wear a cape yet no underwear...Is that so you
	              can more easily change into your alter ego: a mild
	      	      mannered sex toy for the Navy?"


	
Episode 623: Al works in a gas station
--------------------------------------
	<Al's pumping gas>
	Marcie: " Here's something you haven't heard from a woman in a
		  while 'Fill Her Up' or do I have to confirm the rumors
		  and tell you where to put the nozzle."

	Al: " Marriage leads to everything bad in life: work, kids, Habib
	      shirts."

	Peg: " Mom called. She got on the scale and it said 380. She's been
	       374 since high school so she thinks she may be gettint fat."
	Al:  " Maybe there's 6 pounds of foodstuck between her teeth."
	Peg: " How that woman loves you. Thank god she can't hear you."
	Al:  " Thank god she can't eat me!"

	<He's working to pay off what the family took>
	Al:         " Oh, no you don't Bud. It's you're turn to be Habib."
	<Bud puts on Habib shirt. Five babes in bikinis pull up>
	Babes:      " Hi, we're the Swedish Bikini team. We're looking for
		      guys named Habib."
	<Bud gets in car and they drive off. Al is stunned. Another car
	 pulls up>
	Ugly Woman: " Hi, we're the Chicago Bowling team. We're looking
		      for guys named Al."
	<Al gets in the car after a moment's thought.>
	
	Al:    " We're no longer allowed at the zoo becuase of young Mr. Bundy
	         who answered the question 'What happens when you feed a chimp
	         pop rocks?'"
	Bud:   " Well, I didn't point at the leopard and ask 'How many animals
	         died for that coat?'"
	Kelly: " Well, I didn't drop my pants and moon the monkies."
	Bud:   " Well, I didn't turn mom in."
	Kelly: " Well, I didn't ask the girl chimp to my prom."



Episode 624: Lower Uncton, Pt 1
-------------------------------
	Fat Lady:     " Are ye done with my horse?"
	Seamus Bundy: " I had to send out for parts to reinforce his feet and
			to hang a sign around his neck saying,' I'm with
			fatso.'"

	Fat Lady:     " Your tongue is strong."
	Seamus Bundy: " Not as strong as yon seams in yon dress keeping yon
			belly off yon feet."

	Fat Lady:     " You and all the male Bundys will be hated and Lower
			Uncton will be forever in darkness."
	Seamus Bundy: " What are you going to do? Float overhead."

	Bud:   " I'm going to get me a handful of British babe. After years
		 of drinking warm ale, they're gonna find out that nothing
		 beats a Bud."
	Kelly: " Oh, don't forget that the inflatable babes blow up on the
		 left side."

	<The Bundy's are on there way over to England>
	Pilot: " Would the passenger in 24B <Al> please put his shoes back
	 	 on. I'm choking up here."
	Peg:   " Alllll"
	Al:    " Oh please, the show the movie 'Dutch' and they say I stink."

	Jefferson: " I put all our traveller's checks in our luggage. I 
		     didn't want any unsightly bulges in my jacket."
	Marcie:    " Soon, there won't be any in your pants, either."

	Peg: " This is 'Speaker's Square.' It's where people go to hear any
	       idiot spout off about nothing."
	<Al is heard addressing a crowd>
	Al:    " I hate women. I don't like 'em. You're English but even you
	         can't like women. It's like when you're watching sports. 
	         That's the one time that they decide to plant their, what 
	         you call bums and ask you 'Remember when we were in that 
	         restaurant 18 years ago. Was the waitress pretty?'...I gotta 
	         go 'cos I see the wife coming. Now, I don't have a solution 
	         but could I get a 'Woo, I hate women?'"
	Crowd: " Woo, I hate women."
	Al:    " Oh, am I alone in hating the French."
	Crowd: " No!"
	Al:    " I though not."

	Jefferson: " I though Michael Caine was on the 5 pund note?"
	Marcie:    " It's Queen Elizabeth."
	Jafferson: " Just my luck to run into the one person who could
		     tell the difference."



Episode 625: Lower Uncton, Pt 2
-------------------------------
	Peg: < to Al >" You know, except for the kids and you being here, this
	     is like a second honeymoon."

	<A family screams at the Bundy's and runs away>
	Peg: " We're only Americans. Why's they run?"
	Al:  " They must be French. It takes so little."

	


Episode 626: Lower Uncton, Pt 3
-------------------------------
	<Al raises arms and crowd screams>
	Peg: " They'll stop screaming when you lower your arms, most people
	       do."

	Al: <about women>" ...They'll eat up your money. They'll kill your
	    will to live. You've heard of them. But kids, just say no to
	    marriage."

	Customs Officer: " Do you have anything to declare?"
	Peg:		 " Yes, my husbands an idiot."

	Bud: " I can't believe that my life depends on dad's ability to
	       joust."
	Peg: " It's better than his ability to earn a living."

	<Al and guy are in chains in jail>
	Al:  " What do they serve you in here?"
	Guy: " Bread and water."
	Al:  " Then it's truly the best vacation I've ever had."




Episode 701: The Bundy's Get a New Kid
--------------------------------------
	< Peg's cousins left >
	Al: " You let them go. That has to be the stupidest move in
	      history...Well, the second, the first was when I answered
	      the phone the day after we had sex."




Episode 702: Kelly says NO
--------------------------
	Al:  " Is it our anniversary again!"
	Peg: " No"
	Al:  " Then why are you touching me?"
	Peg: " I'm tired of touching myself"
	Al:  " I don't blame you"

	Peg: " We had plenty to talk about when we first met"
	Al:  " Well, Peg, that was before I got to know you. There was a lot of
	       things I had to find out. Stuff like: how far she'd go on a 
	       6-pack, would it be fun for you to watch me and your friend 
	       Joan, and did she actually see Deep Throat"
	Peg: " Yea, and there was that thing I kept wondering: how could a man
	       with such big shoes have such a teeny, weeny, tiny, little...
	Al:  " Peg!"

	Marcie:    " Honey, tell everyone how that article on temporary male
		     impotance has given you the courage to try, try again. You
		     should see him. He's so cute going: I think I can, I think
		     I can."
	Jefferson: " That's after four times of making her shake like a
		     California quake"
	Marcie:    " And like Los Angeles, I'm still waiting for the Big One"
	Peg:	   " I'd settle for an after-shock...You should see Al...Oh
		     snoogums, it's kinda cute, though. It's like Ground Hog's
		     Day. Peeking out of its hole, seeing its shadow, getting
		     scared and running away.
	Al:	   " It's not its shadow that it's scared of"
	Peg:	   " It's cute as the dickens, though.
	Al:	   " Well, not as cute as my little Bermuda Triangle"





Episode 704: Al becomes a bartender
-----------------------------------
        <The scene is in the living room, Bud is on the couch and Kelly 
	 is coming downstairs.>
	Kelly: " What's the time?"
	Bud:   " 3 o'clock."
	Kelly: " 3 AM or BM?"
	Bud:   <slightly confused/laughing." That would be BM in your terms."
	Kelly  <strikes back>" Why would they call it BM if it stands for 
               post meridian ? Sometimes I think I am the only person with
               brains on this remote planet called earth!"

	Seven: " Dad, where do babies come from?"
	Al:    " Normally, a 6-pack and 2 horny teenagers"

	Seven: " Dad, what's retirement?"
	Al:    " It's when a woman marries and a man dies"

        Kelly: " Doctor? Mom never took us to a doctor. I rememeber I had
		 a 109 degree fever and all she did was bleach my hair."
	Bud:   " Well, you know what she says 'Bleach a cold, raise a beaver'"

	<Bud & Kelly are outside freezing>
	Kelly:  " Help us"
	Marcie: " I can't. I'm a Republican."

	Peg: " Is that money in your pants, Al, or are you just...well, let's
	       face it, we both know it's money."




Episode 705: Peg wants sex
--------------------------
	Al: <to Peg>"You're down here? I must've drempt that you ran off
	    with that dwarf and that I lived in sin with that playmate
	    and her 8 roommates who can speak but choose not to."

	Peg: " Besides me, who would point out that your teeth have turned
	       the same color of yellow as your underwear and that you
	       have more hair in your nose than on your head?"
	
	Peg: " I want sex."
	Al:  " So do I, but I don't drag you into it."

	Al: <about sex>"Men have to do all the work. I'd love to just lie
	    there and do nothing throw out the occasional 'Oh, Baby.'"

	Seven: " What's the difference between men and women.?"
	Al:    " One works and the other's a woman."

	<Peg has lingerie on>
	Peg: " Can you look at me in the eye and honestly tell me you
	       don't want sex?"
	Al:  " I can look at you anywhere and say that."
	



Episode 706: Bud starts a fraternity ( Alpha Gonna Get Em)
-----------------------------------------------------------
	Al:        " No, I don't regret not going to college, because then
		     I might not have married you. And then what would have
		     become of me? I probably would've spent a meaningless
		     existence ordering pizza and hookers 'til I died 
		     with a slice of pizza in one hand and a greasy
		     hooter in the other."
	Jefferson: " You just described what it was like at my fraternity."

	Al: " Oh, why do we have to go out, Peg? It's bad enough that I
	      know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know?"

	<The Bundys and Rhodes are deciding about a movie>
	Bud:   " It's my own special cologne. I call it 'A Touch of Bud.'"
	Kelly: " If anyone knows what 'A Touch of Bud' is, it must be you."
	Bud:   " And nobody does it better."

	<...Still deciding on a movie>
	Marcie: " Here's one. A story of a young Peruvian girl who gets a
		  bicycle."
	Al:     " Any hooters?"
	Marcie: " It is a Francois LeMac film. He explores the mind."
	<Al looks at newspaper>
	Al:     " I prefer the Joseph Zipper production of 'They Exploded
	  	  out of their Bras.'"

	<...And they still can't decide>
	Al:    " Boobies, boobies, boobies..."
	<Kelly come in>
	Al:    " Oh, Hi, pumpkin."
	Kelly: " I haven't heard that since the one day my friend and I were
		 walking down the street and this old guy in a Dodge drove
		 by...Oh,Dad!!"

	<Kelly and Seven are playing Scrabble>
	Kelly: " Ha, double word score!"
	Seven: " NBC isn't a word."
	Kelly: " It's a word. It just isn't a network."

	Jefferson: " There were girls but that wasn't the only part of a
		     fraternity. There's so much more...No, actually that
	  	     was it.





Episode 707: Al leads a tax revolt
----------------------------------
	<Al's walking down the street>
	Guy: " Car broken down again? No one to give you a ride?"
	Al:  " I should've called your wife. She gives everyone a ride."
	
	<Al comes home drunk>
	Kelly: " I don't like to see him like this."
	Bud:   " I don't like to see him happy, either."

	Al: " Marcie, do you drink? If you look at yourself in the mirror,
	      you must."

	Al:    " Kids, come down here. I've got something important to
		 tell you."
	Kelly: " Finally, he's gonna tell me I'm not really his kid."
	Bud:   " He's gonna tell me I'm not his kid."
	Kelly: " But you look just like him."
	Bud:   " That was really low...Dad, who's our father?"
	Al:    " Well, a thousand blood tests say it's me."

	<The Bundy's go to vote>
	Lady: " Is this your first time?"
	Bud:  " Why does everyone look at me and assume I'm a virgin.
	       	Would a virgin know the names and last book read by
		every Playmate for the last 10 years? I know the female
		body like my hand...er, I mean like the back of my hand."
	Lady: " I mean, is this your first time voting."
	Bud:  " Where do I go and what do I do with it?"
	Lady: " I bet you've asked that before."
	
	Lady: <to Kelly>"Here honey, take a ballot. Hell, this is
	      Chicago, take two."

	Al: " I'm not voting again. Just like marriage, no matter who
	      you pick, it always turns out bad."

	Al:        " Give me beer or give me death...or both. Let's pillage."
	<Beer people go on rampage>
	News lady: " People should stay in and order pizza tonight. But if
		     they go out, they should stay away from restaurants
		     that begin with 'Cafe.' As if they need to be told, all
		     Frenchmen should stay in hiding. They're leader is a
		     balding man who says,' I sell shoes dammit and I'm
		     stinking drunk.'"


Episode 709: Old Aid
--------------------
	Peg: <to Kelly>" Some man, or some men, are going to be happy to have
	     you one day."

	Al: " Just think of it. We're partying with the geeaers of rock...
	      speaking of geezers, Bud, where's your mother?"

	<to Spencer>
	Peg: " You're who I think of when I have sex with my husband."
	<to Peter>
	Peg: " You're who I think of when I have sex with my husband."
	<a third time>
	Peg: " You're who I think of when I have sex with my husband."
	<yet again>
	Peg: " You're who I think of when I <she sees it's Al>...clean
	       behind the toilet."

	<about Al joining Old Aid>
	Peg: " Come on, Al. It'll be just like singing in the shower...if
	       you sang...or showered."



Episode 710: Al buys a funeral plot
-----------------------------------
	Al:    " Look at the Duke. One of his finest films: 'I Shoot 'Em
		 'Cos They're Injuns.'" As a woman viewer, what's your
		 opinion?"
	Kelly: " Daddy, I'd rather be reading. Does that tell you something?"
	Al:    " That tells me you're a girl and your opinion means less to
		 me than the dog's."

	Al: " Fuzzy McGee, he's still alive and he's still working. In fact,
	      he just did a commercial for those adult diapers, 'Soak Ems.'
	      You know, for those times when you just can't say 'Wooh.'"
	
	Al:  " Peg, good news!"
	Peg: " They raise minimum wage for the bald?"

	Marcie:    " Marriage is sacred. That's why I'm going to be buried 
		     next to my husband, Steve."
	Jefferson: " I'm you husband now. And we're not in bed, so there's
		     no reason to call me Steve."
	Marcie:	   " Don't take it personally. Every woman screams 'Steve'
		     while having sex."

	Jefferson: " Come with me Marcie and I'll rock the Steve right out
	     	     of you."
	Marcie:    " It works every time."
	Peg:	   " Al, why don't you rock me."
	Al:	   " 'Cos I'd rather stone you."

	Peg: " You men have no respect for the women that put you into
	       the grave."

	Funeral Director: " You're planning you funeral early. Do you have
			    some terminal disease?"
	Al:		  " Yes, marriage."
	Funeral Director: " Marriage does seem to prepare you for death."

	Funeral Director: " You people dying?"
	Kelly:		  " No, virings <Bud> are always pale."
	Bud:		  " That explains the healthy hue on her."

	Peg: " Kids, do you think daddy should wear his wedding ring when
	       he's dead."
	Al:  " I married you 'til death do us part. So when I'm dead, I'm
	       free to date."

	Peg: " This is your final resting place? There is no room for me."
	Al:  " That's why they call it a resting place."

	<Al & Peg are making the funeral plans>
	Peg: <to Al>" Just pretend we're in bed and let me take care of
	     everyting."



 
Episode 711: The Old College Try
--------------------------------
	Marcie: " What's that on your face? Have the big boys been rubbing
		  your face in the dirt again?"
	Bud:	" It's a beard. Surely you've seen one before in the mirror."

	Babe: " What's that on you face?"
	Bud:  " How does it look with my checkbook?"
	Babe: " Oooh, sexy."
	Bud:  " Yea, and I love you for mind."

	Marcie:  " You can see your wife's ashes in 10 minutes."
	Old Guy: " They won't let me see my wife."
	Al:	 " Take a look at mine. That'll cure you."

	Guy: " Are you depositing the whole 10 cents?"
	Al:  " Do I look japanese? I'd like 5 cents back please. Give it to
	       me in ones."

	Al: <to Bud>"  Me being a high school sports star. God, it must have
	    been tough following in my shadow. Then that left time for the 
	    chicks, but your personality took care of that. Then you started
	    bringing home report cards with straight A's. God, was I 
	    embarassed."

	<Bud drills hole into wall to see girls next door>
	Al: " That's low son....That's too low. All you'll see is kneecaps."





Episode 713: Bud sleeps with cousin's Fiancee
---------------------------------------------
	<You don't see Peg and Al. You just hear them>
	Peg: " It just hangs there lifelessly"
	Al:  " It's mine, Peg"
	Peg: " I'll straighten it out"
	Al:  " It's too long"
	Peg: " Women like it long"
	Al:  " I'm the one that's gotta lug it along"
	<You then see Al and his tie is way too long>

	<Bud has just had sex with the bride>
	Kelly: " What did you do?"
	Bud:   " A gentleman never tells. I had sex and I was good."
	Kelly: " Oh my God"
	Bud:   " That's what she said twice"
	Kelly: " What, once when you undressed and once when you put your
	  	 bunny slippers on?"
	Bud:   " Save it for someone not getting any, like mom. Talk all
		 you want, nothing can bring me down"
	Kelly: " You just had sex with your cousin Jimmy's fiancee."
	Bud:   " That did it."
	
	Peg: " Say you love me."
	Al:  " I love beer and bowling. I don't want to cheapen the word."

	Peg: " This is a historical first. We're in the bedroom and I'm
	       waiting for you to finish."

	Marcie:    " How are these kids gonna know right from wrong. They
		     need a man in their lives."
	Jefferson: " What are you gonna do? Move in with them."

	Al:  " I'd look good in makeup. I'd be a killer looking babe in a 
	       masculine sort of way. I could highligh my eyes. They're my
	       best quality. Baby blue. Just like Sinatra, Newman, the sea.
	       Then there's my second best quality. I'm known for my killer
	       butt."
	Peg: " yea, it has more hair on it than your head."
	Al:  " It doesn't wake up looking at you in the morning."

	<Bud's heading to his bedroom with the bride again>
	Peg: " What a lovely bride."
	Al:  " Well, it looks like we have a while 'til the wedding."

	<Bud & Kelly steal Marcie's clock>
	Marcie:    " They need to be punished."
	Jefferson: " How about you sit them down and talk to them for a
		     while. They'll never forget that."

	Peg: " Zip me up, Al."
	Al:  " Why is it women buy clothes that fasten in the back so they
	       need help. You don't hear men saying 'Hey, Fred. I need help
	       with this zipper.'"
	Peg: " They're jsut saying 'Hey, Fred. Smell this. I don't need a 
	       shower, do I.'"



Episode 714: Al's vacation
--------------------------
	<Al, Peg, & Marcie got on vacation>
	Bud:   " The hooters I'll be a juggling."
	Kelly: " Just don't hurt you hands on the staples."
	
	Seven: " I'm hungry."
	Bud:   " Kelly's stupid. No one's helping her."

	Marice: " Jefferson didn't even see me slip out of bed this morning."
	Al:     " Maybe he's still out cold after seeing you slip into bed
		  last night."

	<Peg & Marcie are fighting>
	Al: "Girls, girls, girls. Who am I kidding? Seas hags..."
	
	Kelly:     " I have a thought."
	<Bud & Jefferson laugh at her>
	Jefferson: " That's almost as funny as you <Bud> begin good looking."

	Peg:    " Al, I'm not proud of you. Why would I talk about you?"
	Marcie: " Oh, yea. Who said, 'What's the difference between Al Bundy
		  and an egg? An egg takes 3 minutes to be done.'"

	Al:  <talking about himself>"...What creature would dare disturb
	      him."
	Peg: " Alllll!"
	Al:  " Why, the loon, of course."

	<Marcie's at the door>
	Al:     " Look, Peg. It's the paper boy."
	Marcie: " Oh, shut up, shoe yeti. Peggy, you'll never guess what
		  Jefferson did."
 	Al:	" Misunderstand your cries of 'Pluck me' to the butcher."
	Marcie: " It looks like you misunderstood the cries of 'Pluck me'
		  to the barber."

	Marcie: " Even though Jefferson has a job, he still charges his 
		  lunches on my credit card. You should see the size of
		  the tips he leaves the waitresses and you know what
		  he said when I called him on it. 'Hey babe. I'm good
		  looking.' That's his answer to everything."
	Al:	" What's his answer to 'Hey, where you going with that
		  little boy?'"

	<Al, Peg, & Marcie leave for vacation>
	Bud: " I curse you. I curse you to your worst mightmare: an eternity
	       of being together...and you can't leave the bedroom...and 
	       grandma's there...and she's out of Depends."

	Kelly: " Mom, where's...um...what do we call him? Starts with an 'L.'"
	Bud:   " Dad?"
	Kelly: " Yea."



 
Episode 715: Kelly gets a Harley
--------------------------------
	Al: " I don't want to turn on men so I come to the expert. Peg,
	      how do you not turn on me."
	
	Girl:  <grabs Bud's butt>" Good things come in small packages."
	Kelly: " Then you should have him turn around."

	Kelly: " I'm keeping my bike. It'll keep me young."
	Bud:   " It's not a time machine."
	Kelly: " It's not your body, either, so keep your hands off it."

	Kelly: <to Al>" You're right motorcycles are dangerous. Cars
	       are much safer. I didn't feel anything when I hit you."

	Al: " God, for once I'm actually glad to be home."

	Al:  " This tall brunette came into the store to buy a pair of
	       size 12 pumps. She had a garter belt on and silk stockings
	       like I like. Then she uncrossed her legs like in Basic
	       Instinct.
	Peg: " Did you see it all?"
	Al:  " Yes, it was a guy."

	Al:  " Do you think I'm..."
	Peg: " Gay?"
	Al:  " Just 'cos I was vaguely excited touching a man's leg and I
	       don't want to touch you. No, I'm not worried about my
	       sexuality."

	Al:  <to Bud>" Do you think that she <babe> was a woman? Just 'cos
	     she looks like one doesn't mean..."
	Bud: " Did you walk into the wrong nudie bar again?"
	Al:  " How was I supposed to know what the song "Macho Man" meant. It
	       had a good beat and I was dancing with it. I thought all the
	       girls were in the bathroom. You know how they like to go to 
	       the bathroom together."

	Al: " How can I talk Kelly out of this <motorcycle>? She doesn't
	      listen to me. I don't blame her; I'm an idiot. But I'm not
	      gay, I'm sensitive. I should've had a cycle when I was young.
	      I wouldn't have worn a helmet either. It doesn't take alot
	      of brain capacity to babble "Size 9."




Episode 717: Bud goes on a dating game
--------------------------------------
	Peg: " We haven't gone to bed together in over 10 years."
	Al:  " We haven't had any kids on over 10 years. I must be doing
	       something right."
	Peg: " That doesn't mean you were doing something right back then."
	Al:  " Peg, it's sexy how you neuter me this way."

	<Kelly come in from a date>
	Al: " Oh my God, we've been up 'til dawn."
	
	Kelly: " Why are you two up at the same time? Oh, I know. Bud had a
	 	 nightmare, he crawled into your bed and he went potty."
	Peg:   " Honey, Bud is 20 years old and it's Saturday night. Now you
	  	 know very well that he's fast asleep and has been since 8
	  	 o'clock and, oh by the way, Al, did you go in and turn off
	 	 his flashlight?"
	Al:    " I wouldn't stick my hand under those covers."

	Peg: " Al, rub my heine"
	Al:  " I'm not rubbing your heine if Robin Williams pops out and
	       grants me three wishes."
	
	<Bud comes in>
	Al:    " Hey! Bud was out on a Saturday night! How'd it go, son?"
	Peg:   " Oh, Bud, it's 3 AM. You must have something to tell us."
	Kelly: " Yes, Bud, tell us of your travels in Lonely Land."
	Bud:   " Well, aging maritime toy, I went where all cool guys go.
	 	 I headed over to the Chippendales parking lot and waited
		 for all the horny old ladies to come out. Then I took off
	  	 my shirt and started gyrating under a lamp post."
	Al:    " Did you get any, son?"
	Bud:   " Yep, a face full of mace and a spinning back kick to the
		 groin. But, I think, on the way down, I managed to get a
	 	 fist full of withered heiney."
	Peg:   " Al, give him a high 5."
	Al:    " Can't do it, Peg. If I could fake it that good, we'd be
		 upstairs right now."

	<Bud's on the dating game>
	Candi: " How would you create the perfect woman?"
	Bud:   " You're the perfect woman and I'm the perfect man. So let's
		 create the perfect Big-O."
	
	Peg: " You're getting sleepy."
	Al:  " Much like the rest of you, your eyelids are dropping more 
	       than mine."

	<They're talking about Bud being dateless>
	Marcie: " Why can't we let it happen naturally. Some people are just
		  late bloomers. I, myself, was a late bloomer."
	Al:	" Well, whatever bloomed must have got picked 'cos I'm
		  looking at some arid country."
	Peg:	" Al, we're talking about our son."
	Al:	" I'm sorry, I thought I was looking at him."
	Marcie: " Al, you have a dilemma. We're pretending it's Sunday so
		  you should be changingyour underwear. Or is this the week
	 	  you turn it inside out and wear the clean side?"
	
	<Kelly sees Al's hand in its Sunday position>
	Kelly: " Oh, my God, it's Sunday!? I've gotta be at work. How did I 
		 lose a day? I must have magnesia. What did Gilligan do when 
		 he had magnesia? Oh, my God, I don't remember. Gadzoos, I'm
		 losing my short term mammaries."
	
	Bud:   " All that's left is we have to go back on the game show and
		 she chooses between me and that latent Latin Rodrigo."
	<Al, Peg, and Kelly talk>
	Peg:   " Honey, I have been chosen to sensitively broach the subject
		 that is on all of our lips: What on God's green Earth would
		 make you believe that anyone, including you mother, would
		 choose you over Rodrigo?"
	Kelly: " I'd choose Rodrigo."
	Al:    " I'd choose Rodrigo. Hell, I'd choose Rodrigo over your 
		 mother."





Episode 718: Mutiny on the Bundy
--------------------------------
	Cast:
		Al            	-- Capt Courage
		Peg		-- Scarlet, the maiden
		Bud		-- Flavio, a crewman
		Kelly		-- Watchwoman
		Marcie		-- Cabin boy/girl
		Jefferson	-- Paco
		Steve		-- Rubio the Cruel
			Yes, Steve made another appearance

	Peg: " Al, show me your jolly roger."
	Al:  " My roger hasn't been jolly since our wedding night."
	
	<Al comes out in chains>
	Al: " How dare you bother me while I was perusing my copy
	      of 'Sea going C-cups.'"

	Al: <to Marcie>"One more word out of you and I'll make you walk 
	    the plank or, should I say, yourself."


Episode 719: The Old Games
--------------------------
	<Kelly is making Jiffy Pop popcorn>
	Kelly: " How can you tell when it's done?"
	Bud:   " When it's as bis as mom's hair, it's done."

        <movie night>
        Kelly: " No one will have to yell 'head down' to you at a movie."
        Bud:   " Like anyone's ever seen you head at a movie in 10 years."

        Al:    " She didn't even ask for my driver's license."
        Peg:   " You were standing next to a beautiful young babe."
        Kelly: " Who were you standing next to?"
        Al:    " The red reaper."

        Bud:   " I hope I don't lose my butt."
        Kelly: " You couldn't lose your butt in prison."

        Al:  " If I'm going to apply for a senior discount card.
	       I have to hide my sexuality."
        Peg: " How about a little round band-aid?"

        Kelly: " Was dad ever a great athlete?"
        Peg:   " He once punched someone in the face, broke 4 tackles
	         straight-armed a person and ran for daylight. He would still 
	         be running if my uncle didn't club him with the end of his 
	         shotgun and drag him back to the wedding."

	<Al joins the Old Games>
	Al:  " Nothing can stop me now."
	Peg: " Except maybe getting it in the cup during the drug testing."

	<Old ladies sing the national anthem>
	Kelly: " Well, at least I can say I've now been to a Dead concert."

	Kelly: " Dad's losing."
	Peg:   " His hair, his teeth, the race. Be specific."

        Bud: <to Al>"For once in you life, quit while you're behind."

        Al:  " Stamina's my strong point."
        Peg: " Hah."
        Al:  " Not with you. With you stamina's a bad thing. It prolongs the
	       agony. I mean something that excites a man: sports."

        Al: " It's only cheating if you get caught."

        <Al throws the shot>
        Judge: " 6 inches!"
        Peg:   " Measure it again!"



Episode 720: Al gets sued by burglar
------------------------------------
	Peg: " Do you know what would really make me go to sleep?"
	Al:  " Yes, I do. But I don't think we can get Dr. Kevorkian
	       that quick."

	Al:  " Once upon a time there was a lovely princess Peggy.She
	       had everything: breeding, inbreeding, a fat mother...She
	       met a bonny prince Al."
	Peg: " Were they happy?"
	Al:  " No, not at first. But then she invited her 4 beautiful
	       friends with luscious hooters over. Soon Peggy went to
	       be and Al & the 8 hooters lived happily ever after."
	Peg: <looking at her hooters>" Don't listen to him. He still loves
	      you."
	Al:  " They know I love them. It's you I have the problem with."

	<Cop is at door>
	Al: " Hello, officer. Did you mistake our place for a donut shop?"

	Al: " Your honor, if there is a valid law suit here it's 'Bundy
	      vs the Board of Education' because she <Kelly> actually
	      graduated high school."

	Peg: " Rub my touchy."
	Al:  " Nobody rubs my touchy."
	Peg: " Well, this weeked, you mow it. I'll rub it."

	Al: " I can't get to sleep. I'll do what my dad taught me: counting
	      hooters. 2 - 4 - 6 - 8 - ooh, twins - 12..."

	<Policeman at the door>
	Al:     " Hello, officer. Did you mistake my house for a donut shop?"
	Police: " Obviously not. There's only 1 of me."



Episode 721: Kelly's Birthday
-----------------------------
	Al:  " The city towed my car again. They thought it was abandoned. Why
	       is that?"
	Peg: " It's a Dodge, Al. Everytime you see a Dodge, you think it's
	       abandoned."

	Al:  " Dodge says something about you."
	Peg: " Yea, it says,'Damn, right, I failed.'"
	
	Kelly: " I gotta run. Daddy, kiss Frank for me."
	Al:    " Don't worry, Frank. I don't kiss anyone that doesn't cook
		 for me. Ask the wife."

	Peg: " Men are to be ignored. Just pretend you're married & ignore 
	       them."

	Kelly: " Daddy, what makes men cheat on women?"
	Al:    " Women"
 
	Al: " The Bundy's don't celebrate birthdays. Sure it causes emotional
	      marm but it saves a couple of bucks in presents."

	Al:  " Bud, do you know what I'm thinking?"
	Bud: " Big, luscious hooters."
	Al:  " No, but I should've been."



Episode 722: Al's bad in bed
----------------------------
	Al: " Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me
	      fall asleep before she thinks of sex."

	<Peg & Al had sex previuos night>
	Al:  " I'm surprised you could make it down those steps this
	       morning."
	Peg: " I was pretty tired. I hope that buzzing didn't keep you awake."
	Al:  " Those darn bees. I think one of them stung you 'cos I heard
	       you scream."

	<Al compares Peg to a car>
	Peg: " There's nothing wrong with my belts and hoses. I just need to
	       be driven every once in a while."
	
	Al:  " I'm Al 'The Mailman' Bundy. I always deliver."
	Peg: " But mail men are sloe."
	Al:  " Yea, but they don't go to the same house every day."

	<Peg hold up a $1 bill>
	Peg:   " This is George Washington, the father of our country."
	Kelly: " I thought that was James Brown."
	Peg:   " He's the godfather of soul."
	Kelly: " I thought that was Don Corleone."
	
	Kelly: " I'm going to the place that got me through high school: the
	         principal's office."
	
	Kelly: " I have some great news."
	Bud:   " You found your underwear in the park."
	Kelly: " If I'm ever looking for them, I know you're wearing them."

	Al: " If my little girl can train herself to hold a thought, I can 
	      train myself to hold my wife."

	Al:  " Peg, you weren't satisfied?"
	Peg: " I used to call you the minute man. Now I long for those days.
	       Marcie was comforting, though. She said the sooner it was over
	       with you, the better."

	Guy: " Hey, Al. Have sex with your wife 50 times. I'm cooking an egg."
	Al:  " Why don't you use the time it takes your son to get out of
	       his dress, Donnelly."

	Kelly: " Do you remember my boyfriend, T Bone?"
	Al:    " No, but he sounds delicious."
	
	Peg: " Al, I got you some Aurora while <toilet paper> and a burrito.
	       Come on, Al, brake 'em both open."
	Al:  " No, my self-esteem, my sexuality, my whole manhood has been
	       taken away from me. I never want to goto the bathroom again."
	Peg: " Well, maybe we can get he curl out of the wallpaper. And the
	       birds will come back again."

	Bud: " Dad, so you killed a squirel. If it wasn't you, it would be
	       a cook in a Chinese restaurant."

	Al: <Al calls olds flames>" Could I speak to Marilyn Fisher...Oh, 
	    she's Mrs. O'Brian now...Um, hum...You're the husband, I see...
	    Could you do me a favor? My name's Al Bundy. Could you ask her if
	    she meant it when she said she had them all but I was the best...
	    Oh, she's breast feeding. That brings back memories."




Episode 723: Al retires
-----------------------
	Al: " Marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another kid."

	Al:  " I don't know what to do."
	Peg: " That hasn't stopped you before."

	<Al's with a fat lady named Mrs. Blaub>
	Al:       " Mrs Blob..."
	Fat Lady: " That's 'Blaub.'"
	Al:       " I know you're name. It was a descriptive term."

	<Al looks for a job>
	Al:       " I won't take just anything like you at a buffet. What do
		    you have for me?"
	Fat Lady: " Some Mennen Speedstick in my desk."
	Al: 	  " Let me give you a tip. It goes underneath your arms if you
		    can ever get them horizontal."

	Al: <to the 3 Habib's>" There's no money in shoes. I was selling shoes
	    when you were just a gleam in a New York cabbie's eyes."




Episode 724: Al's Dodge is stolen
---------------------------------
	<Al has marks on face>
	Al:  " I can't go into work. I have chicken pocs."
	Peg: " That's just iodine. You trired that trick on our wedding
	       night."

	Al:  " Somebody call the police."
	Bud: " But the call costs more than the car."
	Al:  " Yea, abd it costs more that the condom I should have used on
	       the night you were conceived."

	<Al is on phone to police>
	Al: " I'd like to report a kidnapping...a description..It's 4 feet
	      tall, belches smoke out the rear and weighs 2 tons...no, it's
	      not Oprah!...no, it's not Delta Burke! Who would call and
	      complain?"

	Kelly: " I'm gonna miss the Dodge. I went to school in it. I grew up
		 in it. I felt like I was born in it."
	Peg:   " You sure were conceived in it."

	Al:     " Marcie, how can you be so unfeeling. Do you know what it's
		  like to wake up and find something missing. Sure you do,
		  every morning when you open your pajama top."
	Marcie: " Or your pajama bottoms.
	Al:     " Yea, right. Peg set her straight."
	<Peg doesn't say a word>

	Al:        " How and I gonna tell him <insurance guy> that I forgot
		     about all that stuff?"
	Jefferson: " Tell him you had a lot on your mind. How's he gonna know
		     your mind's as empty as your trunk was?"
	Al:	   " How's he gonna know I'm an idiot?"

	Bud:   " Kelly, what are you watching Spanish television?"
	Kelly: " Spanish? I though it was just some English words I didn't
	     	 understand."

	<Al comes in wearing a suit>
	Kelly: " Wow daddy, you look good enough to bury."
	Peg:   " Al, you look great. I'd marry you all over again if I didn't
		 know it was you...but I do."
	
	<Al gets old car back>
	Al:  " Getting a new car is like trading you <Peg> in for a blonde
	       with shiny, factory warranteed hooters. Sure, the first few 
	       times you ride it, it's fun. But in the long run, and this is
	       the part that depresses me more every day, you're the one I
	       want."
	Peg: " Oh, Al!"
	Al:  " But don't touch me."



Episode 725: Cousin Jimmy is on the war path
--------------------------------------------
	Al:  " You look good tonight."
	Peg: " How many beers have you had?"
	Al:  " 10."
	Peg: " So I guess you're a 6-pack short of sex."
	Al:  " At least."

	Al: <to Jimmy>" Congrats on your breakup. You already had the
	    honeymoon, that's the best part. It it last any longer, you end
	    up with this <Peg> and if you're lucky, you get a couple of 
	    these <Bud & Kelly>."

	Al:  " Son, are we alone?"
	Bud: " Yes."
	Al:  " Good, then you're the only one I have to get rid of."

	Bud: " Dad, can I talk to you."
	Al:  " Why me? Get a friend."

	Al:  " Remember the Bundy credo:
			Lie if your wife is a waking
			Lie if your belly is aching
			Lie if you think she's faking
			Lie, sell shoes, lie"
	Bud: " Is that really the Bundy credo?"
	Al:  " No, it's really:
			Hooters, Hooters, Yum, Yum, Yum
			Hooters, Hooters on a girl that's dumb
	       But the father in me felt that you needed a wholesome
	       message at this time."	

	Jefferson: " Jimmy beat me up and he broke my little horse. He
		     thinks I slept with his wife."
	Al:	   " Let him sleep with yours. That will even it out."

	Bud:       " Why did he beat you up?"
	Jefferson: " He said he was looking for a gorgeous guy that women
		     would find irresistable. God, I wish I looked like you
		     two < Al & Bud >...No, I don't."

	Jefferson: " Marcie, If I wanted a young,pretty, sexy  woman, why 
		     would I have married you."
	Al:        " Why go out for a succulent steak when you have a dried
		     up piece of jerky at home?"
	
	Marcie: " Peg, Jefferson was cheating on me."
	Peg:    " Well, when you age, they'll start looking elsewhere."
	Al:     " It's not your looks that keep me here, it's mine."

	Bud: " I only slept with his <Jimmy's> wife, what does he want from
	       me?"
	Al:  " Bud, just relax. I know how to handle this. When I was young,
	       I met alot of bog, stupid bullies."
	Peg: " Al, when you were growing up, you were the big, stupid bully."
	Al:  " Yea, I was. I was good at it, too. But I wasn't just big and
	       stupid. I was also mean. I used to scare people like your
	       mother scares me."

	<Bud brushes Kelly's hair>
	Kelly: " Bud, remember, 100 strokes."
	Bud:   " Right, Kel. 8, 9, 16, 44, 100."
	Kelly: " OK. You know it's a good thing you didn't cheat 'cos I was
	         counting along with you. You're a good slave and a damn
	 	 fine eunch."
	Bud:   " You're no gonna tell Jimmy, right."
	Kelly: " Not as long as my little leprecaun keeps granting my wishes.
	         Now don't forget to pick up my cleaning, hang up my pantyhose,
		 and, oh, try not to get tangled up in them this time...
		 <Kelly feels her hair>...Hey, you did good work. It's hard
		 to believe you're straight, very hard."

	Bud: " Am I doing the wrong thing by lying?"
	Al:  " Don't ever say that, son. The Bundy's proud name was built on
	       a philosophy of lying. Well, lying, owing money and perhaps 
	       beer. Yes, lying, owing money, and beer. The only thing that
	       separates us from the Kennedy's is that they have money."

	Al: <to Bud>" Do anything you want to anyone you want. Just don't
	    wear a dress."




Episode 726: Indecent Proposal
------------------------------
	Al:   " Look closely into the dead that are my eyes and you'll know
		I'm married."
	Coco: " I'm sorry to hear that."
	Al"   " I'm sorry to say that."

	<Al bend over>
	Marcie: " I thought that the moon was made of green cheese but now
		  I know."
	Al:     " Jealous little ironing board."

	Marcie: <to Coco>" I owe my man's softness to you."
	Peg:    " My man's softness comes naturally."

	Al: <to Coco>" You haven't been introduced. This is our neighbor 
	    Marcie. As you can see she used your vanishing cream on her breasts
	    and they disappeared."

	Coco: <to Peg>" I'll offer you $500,000 <for Al>."
	Al:   " I'm being treated like a piece of meat and I have to sat 
	        that...I like it."

	Peg: " $500,000 for this. I don't get it. Then, I haven't gotten it
	       for 25 years."

	Bud: " Al Bundy, male hooker."
	Al:  " It does have a nice ring to it."



Episode 801: A Tisket, A Tasket, Can Peggy make a basket
--------------------------------------------------------
	Peg: " Your father will be home soon looking for dinner. Tell him
	       I hope he finds it."
	Bud: " But, Mom, you'll miss dad's episode of 'A Fat Woman came into
	       the Shoe Store Today.'"
	Peg: " I already know how it ends: he doesn't get the sale or a life."

	Al: " This woman came in and she wa so fat she actually had 3 smaller
	      women orbiting around her."

	Marcie: " Peggy, do I have the most romantic husband or what? Guess
		  where Jefferson's taking me tonight."
	Peg: 	" On the kitchen table?"

	Jefferson: " These reunion concerts are great. They stir memories of 
		     the good times you had with the woman you love and the 
		     great times with the women you barely knew."

	Peg: " Al, how come we don't go to concerts?"
	Al:  " It's because we don't like the same people. For example, you
	       like you. But, Peg, I promise you that the day they put Captain
	       and Tonielle on a life support system, we'll be among the first
	       to see them unplugged."

	<Kelly has a tight dress on>
	Kelly: " I'm going to the All-star game tonight."
	Bud:   " Wait. How'd you get a ticket?"
	Kelly: " I don't need a ticket. I'm young, available and I look like
		 this."

	Kelly: <to Bud>" The Eagle Scouts called. Your merit badge in celibacy
	       came in."

	<Peg pulls on doll's leg>
	Peg: " Look, Al. It's my very own Patrick Ewing groin pull doll."
	Al:  " That's nice, Peg. At least you won't be doing that to me now.
	       Now listen, Peg. This is the first time you've been to a game
	       so let me explain the rules of basketball. Rule #1: no tallkin.
	       And when you break Rule #1, and you will, there's Rule #2,
	       which is, if I look at pretty girls walking up and down the
	       aisles, and I will, you can't say 'Are they prettier than me.'
	       Always know the answer will be 'Yes, she is' and, in some cases,
	       'Yes, he is.'"

	Peg: " I want you to go with me <to the bathroom> to keep the guys
	       from leering at me."
	Al:  " Peg, they're not leering at you. They're laughing at me."

	Al:  " Do you know what I could do with $10000?"
	Peg: " Take 10000 trips to the nudie bar."
	Al:  " No, Peg, just 1 great one."

	<Peg takes shot>
	Clyde Drexler: " If we had her instead of Ainge, we would've won the
			 championship."

	<Peg misses shot>
	Peg: " You're not mad?"
	Al:  " I wanted it. I need it. I deserved it. How else could it have
	       ended?"
	Peg: " So, it's your fault."
	Al:  " From the moment I said 'I do.'"




Episode 803: Bud gets assimilated
---------------------------------
	Kelly: " Speaking of nothing, where's Bud?"
	Peg:   " Well, you know it's the start of another school year and
		 Bud's trying on a new persona in the hope of getting a date."
	Kelly: " He has as much a chance at getting a date as the cast of
		 ROC does getting served at Denny's."

	Al:  " As you know, I've been having trouble finding an alternator
	       for my Dodge."
	Peg: " And a deodorant that your body won't reject."
	Al:  " And a wife my body won't reject."

	Marcie: " Al, have you seen a man?"
	<Al looks at Marcie>
	Al:	" No, but I've seen a woman that will make one sterile."

	<Al is on the phone to a used car parts store>
	Phone: " ...Your response indicates that you own a Burnt Siena mid-
	         century Dodge with 800,000 miles. To verify this information,
		 Press 1."
	<Al presses 1>
	Phone: " Hello, Mr Bundy."


Episode 804: Al has good luck
-----------------------------
	Peg: " I bought a new dress. How do you like it?"
	Al:  " I don't know. I'll have to see it without you in it. What do
	       you need a new dress for? There's no one in the TV looking out
	       at you."

	Peg: " My horoscope says 'Buy a new dress. You are about to embark
	       on a new and unique undertaking.'"
	Al:  " The 'undertaking' does have a nice ring to it."
	
	Peg: " When's your birthday?"
	Al:  " It's 2 months after yours. The only difference is that I
	       have mine once a year."

	<Peg reads Al's horoscope>
	Kelly: " I have some bad news."
	Al:    " It can't be. The horror with te scope says 'Godd lucks a
		 comin.'"

	
	<The diner's closing>
	Kelly: " Well, I'm out of a J-O-D."
	Al:    " That means you won't have enough money to move O-U-L."

	Al: " Even if Kelly does leave, Bud's still here. And only having 1
	      kid at home is like only having 1 noose around your neck."

	Al:  " Have you ever heard of the Bundy curse?"
	Peg: " You mean the foot odor thing?"
	Al:  " The other curse: the minute a Bundy has good luck he 
	       immediately starts building up an equal amount of bad luck.
	       It's simple Bundy-nomics."

	<Bud's in a fraternity>
	Bud: " I'm in."
	Peg: " Words a male Bundy has never uttered before."

	<Al's living in a bunker in the living room>
	Al: " With all this good luck I've been having, I'm afraid to leave 
	      the bunker 'cos then something bad's sure to happen and I'll
	      be in for a fate worse than death or, considering I married your
	      mother, a fate worse than life."

	<Jefferson cons Marcie about poker game>
	Marcie: " These men have important work to do."
	Peg:    " They all do. They're just not any good at it."

	<Al has a great poker hand>
	Al: " I have the same feeling of dread that I get when Peg finishes
	      a romance novel."

	<Al wins poker hand and Jefferson hugs him>
	Jefferson: " I love you Al."
	Al:	   " I hope those are chips in your pocket."
	Jefferson: " Mostly."


Episode 805: Marcie the orator
------------------------------
        <Al watches a rap video>
        Peg: " What's that one called?"
        Al:  " 'Pump That Rump' I'm really into it."
        Peg: " If history teaches us anything, you'll be out of it in 7
               seconds."

        Marcie: " Guess what happened at the back today."
        Al:     " A stick up man gave you his mask to wear?"

        Al:     " Why are you here?"
        Marcie: " I wanted to talk to Peggy privately."
        Al:     " No, why here on Earth?"

        <Marcie talks about talking during sex>
        Al:  " Hey! I'll be having dinner later."
        Peg: " I'll be having sex later so I guess we'll both be
               cooking for ourselves."



Episode 806: Bud and Kelly buy a car
------------------------------------
        <Al comes home>
        Al: " I guess my cries this morning of 'If you're gonna use the car,
              please, please, I beg you, pick me up from work' was a little
              vague."

        Al:  " Peg, would you like a BMW?"
        Peg: " I kinda see myself in a Jaguar."
        Al:  " Oh, if we could only find one that hungry."

        Al:  " Children...oh, what the hell, wolfen...let me tell you 
               something about sharing. Don't do it. It can only come to
               trouble. Your mother can I shared a bed and nothing good came
               out of it."
        Peg: " Maybe that's because nothing good came into it."

        Kelly: " Don't touch that car. We don't know where your hands have 
                 been."
        Bud:   " Then you better not sit in it."

        Kelly: " This guy could do wonders for my career so I asked him out on
                 a date in my new car."
        Al:    " Not so fast, pumpkin. You're gonna need to be covered."
        Kelly: " Isn't that the guy's responsibilty."

        <Bud sees the chicken>
        Bud: " South 40 insurance, dad?"
        Al:  " It's a damn fine company, son. The farmer's best friend next
               to a sheep and a tall wheat field."

        Bud:   " Kelly, I got a date with this foreign exchange student so easy
                 she makes you look like a calculus problem."
        Kelly: " You can't have the car tonight because I'm going out with
                 Neuter <the guy in the cat costume>."
        Bud:   " You can go out with dad anytime."

        Kelly: <to Bud>" It's just so unusual for me to see you with a date 
               that doesn't require a patch kit."

        Al:  " Where's my food?"
        Peg: " I gave it to the poor."
        Al:  " So it's still around here."

        Kelly: " Do you mean that a couple of seconds of cheap sex means more
                 to you than my happiness?"
        Bud:   " A milkshake means more to me than your happiness."

        Kelly: <to guy>" This island that you own. Is it near the beach?"

        <Al eats the chicken>
        Al:  " You hate to see me east, Peg. It's in and it's staying in."
        Peg: " Yeah, I've heard that before."



Episode 807: Al is a hero
-------------------------
	<Al throws guy on the floor>
	Guy: " You'll be hearing from my laywers."
	Al:  " Threats don't scare me. I'm married."

	Football Player: " Al Bundy? The all-state Al Bundy?"
	Al:	 	 " I was."
	Football Player: " I thought you died in 'Nam."
	Al:		 " Actually, I started that rumor. I died here at home.
			   A victim of Agent Red."

	Al:		 " I got a scholarship to goto college."
	Football Player: " What happened?"
	Al:		 " I didn't go. Tackle broke my leg. Wife broke her
			   water."

	Peg: " What's wrong? Your face looks weird."
	Al:  " It's called a smile, Peg."

	Al: " I, too, am a great believer in love. I want to find it myself
	      some day. Let me give you a little bit of advice. Bed 'em,
	      don't wed 'em. Do 'em, don't woo 'em. Date 'em, don't mate 'em."

	Football Player: " Where are we going?"
	Al:		 " The mall lounge or, as we call it, 'The Valley
			   of Death.'"
	<husbands are all around>
	Al:		 " There they are, son. The lost souls, The feeble.
			   The meek. The married. And over there is the lowest
			   of the low: the ones relegated to holding
			   their wives purses."
	Football Player: " What's wrong with him < he points to a crying man>."
	Al: 		 " His wife is shopping at Victoria's Secret. His wife
			   bought a garter belt last week and they haven't
			   seen it since."

	<The husbands sing their song>
	Al: " That's the 'Marrying Man's Fight Song.' That and 'Taps.'"

	Al: " Peg, I made a mistake. Before today, I thought that all women 
	      were useless. Now I realize that it's just you. I thought that
	      all men were destined to marry the worst possible mate. Now I
	      realize it's just me."
