First of all, there are a few mistakes with this script, or rather a few
lines I couldn't transcribe, either I couldn't understnad it or I didn't
know how to spell the word :).  If you know any corrections, complaints,
kudos, or any all around nagging sessions, please E-mail them to
25096@ef.gc.maricopa.edu

Here are a few lines that need correcting...

RICK:  And what is it you're reading Vyvyan?  A bit of ???? verse, is it?

VYVYAN:  Yeah, where's the bloody ????, hippie?  You said you we're going
to the shops two hours ago.

WITCH:  Listen, sweetheart.  You eat the Turkish Delight, or you'll find
yourself in the ????  holding up ????

RICK:  Well, super!  Perfect!  Lovely!  Wonderfull!  Good old, Vyvyan! 
Big tip, 'A' plus, ten out of ten,  go and see ????




And now...

The Young Ones:

FLOOD

Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, and Lise Mayer
additional material by Alexei Sayle
BBC, 1982

Cast [in order of appearance]

Judge                 :  ?
Gravediggers          :  Mark Arden & Steven Frost
Guard #1              :  Gareth Hale
Guard #2              :  Norman Pace
Prisoner              :  ?
Neil                  :  Nigel Planer
Rick                  :  Rik Mayall
Mike                  :  Christopher Ryan
Vyvyan                :  Ade Edmondson
Witch                 :  ?
Shirley               :  David Rappaport
Jerzei Balowski       :  Alexei Sayle
D.J.                  :  Ben Elton
Punk                  :  ?
Special Patrol Group  :  Rik Mayall  {I think}


[Scene:  A graveyard.  An audience comprising of a Puritan JUDGE, two
GRAVEDIGGERS, several GUARDs, and a PRISONER walk to a pit.  They are
chanting 'Dominos ad Neauseam'.]

JUDGE:  Be this the pit, master gravedigger?

GRVEDIGR #1:  Aye, it is, your holiness?

GRVEDIGR #2:  And it is the finest pit we have dig this morrow!  Poison
trought, the only one!  [GRAVEDIGGER #! hits GRAVEDIGGER #2 over the head
with a shovel.  JUDGE folds his arms]

JUDGE:  Then let the punishment commence!  Where is the prisoner?

[A GUARD brings the PRISONER forth]

GUARD: Here, sir!

JUDGE:  Then cast him down, master soldier!

[the GUARD throws the PRISONER to the ground]

JUDGE:  No, no!  In the pit!

GUARD:  Very good, master!

[the GUARD jumps into the pit and sits down.  (the pit is only knee high)]

JUDGE:  [indicating GUARD]  Who is this fellow?

GUARD #2:  That's you, master!  [giggles]

JUDGE:  No, no!  In the pit!

GUARD #2:  Very good, master!  [he joins GUARD #1 in the pit]

JUDGE:  Who is this fellow in the pit?

GUARD #2:  That's me, master!  Isn't that right, Ned?

GUARD #1:  Yeah.

JUDGE:  Master prisoner.  Does thou knowest the crime of which thou has
been found guilty of?

PRISONER:  Yes, your holiness!

[pause]

JUDGE:  [irritated]  Well?!  What be that crime?!

PRISONER:  [pulling out microphone]  Being Scottish and Jewish:  two
racial stereotypes for the price of one!  Perhaps the best value in the
graveyard this morning.  Perhaps not.  Incidentally, just let me say how
pleased I am to be here in the graveyard, where so many other comedians
have died before me.  [bows]  Why not?

[audience applauds.  NEIL walks in and hits himself in the head with a
frying pan and walks off.  We see the graveyard is the back yard of the
guys' house.  In the house, we see RICK peering out at NEIL]

[CUT to interior of kitchen.  RICK's face is pressed against the window]

RICK:  I've just seen the most amazing thing in the garden!  Neil biffed
himself in the face with a frying pan!

MIKE:  Rick, you've been looking out of that window for three hours now.

RICK:  Yes, well it's hardly suprising, is it?  Vyvyan put super
glue all over the pane!

VYVYAN:  [Reading comic on the couch] Did I?  That was a good joke!

RICK:  I'll probably be disfigured for life, Vyvyan, and you'll have to
pay!  Here, and then who will be laughing, ha! [snort] Not you, matey. 
That's for sure!

MIKE:  Yeah, well just don't break the glass when you tear your face off,
that's all.

RICK:  I won't.  I won't because... [quickly moves away from window] it's
not true!  It was a joke I made up, and you fell for it like the fascists
you are!  God, I'm bored!  I might as well be listening to
Genesis!  [Walks to drawing room] Marrow...Meringue...Boomerang...Long
blue boomerang...

VYVYAN:  Oh, shut up!

RICK:  I'm trying to free form!

VYVYAN:  I'm trying to read!

RICK:  OH, REALLY!  I learned how to do that years ago!  [snort]  And
what is it you're reading, Vyvyan?  A bit of Pretarkian verse, is it? 
Little bit of French drama?

VYVYAN:  It's called, 'SS Death Camp Criminal Betallion go to Monte Cassino
for the Massacre."

RICK:  [snatching comic]  That's MY bloody comic!

VYVYAN:  Give it back!

RICK:  No, Vyvyan!  It's mine!  [sits down and reads]  Anyway, there's no
point in reading comics, they're stupid!  They treat the kids is if they
we're...well, as if they were, you know, kids!  Nothing but war in them! 
War!  War!  Bloody war!  Why can't they have stories about love and peace?

VYVYAN:  Because it's sissy, you girly!

RICK:  I'm not being girly, Vyvyan.  Longing for a peaceful world is not being
girly.

VYVYAN:  It is!  It's being soppy and very very girly!

RICK:  I AM NOT BEING G...Look, this entire dscussion is completely
sexist anyway and I don't intend to continue it!  [pause]  But, for your
information, it is not soppy of me to long for a world where a man will
love his brother.

VYVYAN:  Poof!

RICK:  You're delibrately trying to provoke me, aren't you?

VYVYAN:  Yeah!

RICK:  For one man to love another, Vyvyan, is not poofy.  It's actually
very beautiful.  it's only when they start touching each others bottoms is
when it gets poofy.

VYVYAN:  I'm going to tell Mike and Neil that you said you love men.  Hey,
Mike...

RICK:  Look, all I said was this comic is a reactional militrist pamphlet! 
All they ever do is fight all the time!

VYVYAN:  And what's so wrong with that?  I suppose you think we should all
go around touching each others bottoms!  'Dan Dare touches ???'s bottom!'
'Exciting new story:  Batman gooses the Joker's crack!'

RICK:  Alright!  Alright!  Alright!  What's this? [makes weird hippie body
movement]

VYVYAN:  Being poofy!

RICK:  No, that's peace!  What's this?  [places his bottom in VYVYAN's
face]  That's my bottom, isn't it?  They're two completely different things!

VYVYAN:  Well, can I have the comic, then?

RICK:  No, it's mine!  I paid for it, and I intend to read it!

[NEIL walks in and hits himself inteh head with the frying pan, looks for
a response form the others, and wolks out.]

VYVYAN:  [looking at window]  Five past eleven and it's still raining.  I
wonder how hard it is?

RICK:  I think it's probably not very hard seeing how it's only made of water!

[VYVYAN snatches the comic, rips it in half, and throws it in RICKS lap]

VYVYAN:  I'm going to find out anyway.

[VYVYAN walks over to the window and opens the pane.  He sticks his glass
of tea out the window, holds it out for a few seconds, and pulls it back
in.  The glass is covered in phlegm]

VYVYAN:  It's only spitting!

RICK:  [reading comic]  God, this stuff is so reactionally!  Why can't
they show us some real heroes?

[CUT to comic strip panel.  A bunck of KIDS are standing around.  TWO
POLICEMEN walk up.  Caption reads:  AN ORDINARY DAY.  THE PIGS ARE
HASSLING THE KIDS] 

POLICEMAN #1:  [laughs]  You gay, black bastards!  We're going to
victimize you!

KIDS:  Oh, no! [they cover their crotches]  Who can help us now?

[RICK, as PEOPLE'S POET, jumps into the frame.  Caption reads: BUT SUDDENLY]

POLICEMAN #1:  Oh, no!  It's people's poet!

KIDS:  Gosh, People's Poet!  Is it really you?

RICK:  Yes, it is!  And you pigs are in for a pretty big shock!  Right on!

[RICK pulls out a few scraps of paper and reads.  Caption: THE PEOPLE'S POEM]

RICK:  What do you think you're doing, pig?

CAPTION & POLICEMEN:  THWACK! [POLICEMEN act as if they were struck]

RICK:  Do you really give a fig, pig?

CAPTION & POLICEMEN:  BAM!

RICK:  And what's your favorite sort of gig, pig?  Barry Manilow, or the
Black and White Minstrel Show?

CAPTION & POLICEMEN:  BOKKO! [POLICEMEN fly off screen]

KIDS:  Thanks, People's Poet!  Now the pigs won't hassle us now on the street
anymore.  [shakes hands with RICK]

[CUT back to house.  RICK is sitting, eyes closed, taking all this in and
enjoying it.  NEIL walks in from outside, and dumps the water in the
frying pan on RICK's lap, waking him up.  NEIL then hits himself in the
head with the frying pan and prepares to leave]

MIKE:  Hey, Neil.

NEIL:  Yes, Mike?

MIKE:  Come over here.

NEIL:  You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a
prying pan, don't you, Mike?

MIKE:  No, I don't.

NEIL:  Oh.

MIKE:  Where's my breakfast?

VYVYAN:  Yeah, where's the bloody vinderloo, hippie?  You said you were
goingto the shops two hours ago!

NEIL:  Oh, come on, guys!  It's always my turn to go to the shops!

MIKE:  So why haven't you gone?

NEIL:  Well, it's raining.  My hair will lose its shape!  Anyway, I haven't
got any money!

RICK:  There's plenty of money in the kitty!

NEIL:  Yeah, but he's constapated, isn't he?

VYVYAN:  [weilding daggar]  Well, let's open him up, then!

RICK:  [pointing to floor]  There he is, Vyvyan!  GET HIM!

[CUT to cat on the floor, dressed in a tuxedo.  The cat is doing a
stand-up routine]

CAT:  Do you know what my favorite vegetable are, eh?  PEAS!  5p!  10p! 
50p!  My wife, she's a terrible cook, though, but she would be, she's
dead!  I was having a meal with her the other night, right, and...what? 
AIEEEGGHH!

[CAT runs out the pet door as VYVYAN chases him.  sound of coins dropping
as he runs]

MIKE:  Did you get him?

VYVYAN:  [picking up coins]  No, but he's left a little present on the mat.
[slams the coins on the table]

NEIL:  Okay, guys.  What do we need?

RICK:  [putting on jacket]  Neil, you know exactly what I need.  Cause all
my stuff is marked with sticky labels!

VYVYAN:  Wait a minute!  Is yours the stuff with the sticky labels with
'Rick' written on it?

RICK:  Yes!

VYVYAN:  [false compassion]  Oh, sod it!  I'm very sorry, Rick!  I didn't
know!  I thought it was mine, and I've eaten it!  Every last bit!

NEIL: Look, guys, I know exactly whose food is whos, right.  Cause I do
all the shopping around here.  And I do all the cleaning.  My function around
here, I might as well be your mothers!

RICK:  But Neil, we don't hate our mothers!

NEIL:  Alright, so most metaphors don't cear close examination!  Anyway,
for example, [places a plate on the table]  This glob of green mold on a
saucer is Rick's.

RICK:  Yes, and I've spat on that, Vyvyan.  So I wouldn't advise you eat it!

NEIL:  The urine sample and the Super Mousse are Vyv's.

VYVYAN:  Yeah, my potion!  My potion as well!

NEIL:  What potion?

VYVYAN:  It a potion Ive invented where when the patient drinks it he
turns into an axe-weilding, homicidal maniac!  It's basically a cure, for
not being an axe-weilding, homicidal maniac!  The pretental market's enormous!

NEIL:  [taking a Coca-Cola can out of the fridge]  What, is this it?

VYVYAN:  Yeah!  Yeah, I put it in a Coke can so nobody'd drink it by mistake.

NEIL:  [placing can atop the refrigerator]  You know, I just bet a bit
later on somebody does drink that and turns into an axe-weilding, homocidal
maniac!

RICK:  Yes, I bet that as well.  That's just the sort of crazy,
imaginative thing that happens around here, isn't it?  [waits for
response]  I said, 'Isn't it?'  [still no response, RICK sulks]

NEIL:  [pulling out pad of paper and pencil]  Well?

RICK:  Well what, hippie?

NEIL:  Well, what do we need?

RICK:  Look, we need everything except urine samples, green globules,
and...and Super Mousse!

NEIL:  [writing]  Everything!  Right:  lentels...wallpaper...

RICK:  LOOK, JUST GET TO THE SHOPS!

[CUT to outside house.  NEIL exits and walks down the street.  Pan up to
opposite building where someone is staring out the window with a pair of
binoculars.  CUT to inside of room.  MAN #1 is staring out the window. 
MAN #2 stands next to him.  They are dressed identical:  clack derby,
eyeglasses, black suit, black pants, black shoes, black scarf around their
heads]

MAN #2:  Anything yet, Mr. B?

MAN #1:  Nope.  No, nothing!

MAN #2:  Well, there must be something!

MAN #1:  Nope!  Not a sausage!  Look, why won't you let me take the lens
cap off?

MAN #2:  Because they're not real binocliers!  There's no point in taking
them off!

MAN #1:  Well, why can't we have a real pair of binocoliers for a change?

MAN #2:  Because then the aliens would know that we're watching them,
wouldn't they?

MAN #1:  But, we're not watching them!

MAN #2:  Yeah, but they're not to know that, are they?

MAN #1:  This may sound like a stupid question:  Lip nip nip nip bip?

MAN #2:  Yes, it does.

MAN #1:  I thought so.  Look, what are we really doing here?  Really?

MAN #2:  Look, don't ask me!  Ask the Manpower Services Commission!

MAN #1:  Well, can't you?

[shot of outside, still raining.  switch back to room as MAN #2 looks out
the window]

MAN #2:  Is that a milkman?

MAN #1:  [looking with binoculars]  Nope!

MAN #2:  Good! Pass me the milk bottle!

[MAN #1 hands him the binoculars.  MAN #2 throws them ou the window. 
Sound of something falling into a glass.  Cut back to house where VYVYAN
is holding a glass out the window again.  He draws it back in to reveal it
is filled with urine with a pair of binoculars in it]

VYVYAN:  It's pissing down now!

RICK:  [slamming refrigerator door]  OKAY, THAT'S JUST ABOUT THE BLOODY
LIMIT!  It's...I mean I only put it in there on Wednesday, you know!  It's not
as if they grow on trees or anything like that!

MIKE:  [at table]  Rick, what have you lost?

RICK:  I had half an apple in there.  Alright, own up, who's taken it?

VYVYAN:  [on couch opening a can of lager]  What were you doing, saving it
for teacher?  Trying to keep the doctor away?

RICK:  If he's anything like you, YES!  [weird wide eye smile, in typical
RICK fashion.  He turns to MIKE, who has to ovacado slices over his eyes
and is useing a small electric fan]  Did you take it, Mike?

MIKE:  Well, if you're going to sin, you might as well be original.

RICK:  What's that supposed to mean?

MIKE:  I don't know.

RICK:  Well, I'm going to look in your bin for the pits! [runs upstairs]

MIKE:  He shouldn't do that.

VYVYAN:  Why not?

MIKE:  There's a lion tamer in my bedroom.

[CUT to shot of RICK opening door.  He sees a room full of lions and
screams.  CUT to inside room.  a lion tamer is busy dealing with three
lions, saying things like:  'on plats', 'Pasha here', 'Pasha plats' ,
'Pasha!', etc.  The MTV version had a bad version of 'The Lion Sleeps
Tonight' playing instead.  CUT back to drawing room.  NEIL enters carrying
two kittens.  He places them down as he pulls more kittens from his pockets]

NEIL:  I've never seen rain like this.

VYVYAN:  Well, where's breakfast, then?

NEIL:  Oh, no.  I knew I went out for something.

MIKE:  Neil, if your head was on straight you couldn't even pick at your
nose!

VYVYAN:  I'm starving, you bastard!

RICK:  [enters room]  Yes, so you keep saying, Hitler!  Well, why don't
you put your money where your mouth is and go to the shops yourself?

NEIL:  Yes, Vyvyan.

VYVYAN:  Because I don't want my forehead to rust!

RICK:  A little rain never hurt anybody!  Anyway, you could take your
stupid car!

VYVYAN:  [looking, points to window]  I could if it was tied down properly!

[shot of drawing room.  Everyone looks to see VYVYAN's car float by]

RICK:  Blimey!  Look at the water out there!  Now we're never going to get
to the shops!

[VYVYAN stands on a chair and looks at NEIL]

VYVYAN:  Hey, Neil!  Can I have a look at your tonsils? [weilds his daggar]

NEIL:  Why, do I sound ill?

VYVYAN:  No, no!  I just want to pop myself a breakfast.  [NEIL opens his
mouth]

RICK:  Oh, for Heaven's sake!  Why can't we all start to act like civilized
people?  I mean, we are students after all.  We're old enough to vote. 
We're old enough to do things to girls.  We can go to prison.  We can
drive.  Last week I even got into an 'X' film, for Christ's sake.  So, how
about finding some nice adult pursuit to keep us going until the rain
stops?  Michael?

[shot of MIKE looking in the distance.  FADE to RICK, who is covering his
eyes and counting.  They are playing 'Hide and Seek'.  CUT to NEIL opening
the door to MIKE's bedroom.  He sees the lions and defecates in his
trousers.  He carefully runs down teh stairs to RICK's room, as VYVYAN
exits, blowing out a match.  CUT back to RICK, still counting]

RICK:  Sixty-seven...Eighty...Two thousand, five hundred!  Coming, ready or
not!  [opens cabinet
door over the stove.  MIKE is huddeled up in there]  Found you, Mike!

MIKE:  No, you haven't!

RICK:  What?

MIKE:  Listen, I'm the best at playing games in this house, so you better go
find the others first.

RICK:  I'm sorry, Mike.

MIKE:  That's alright, that's alright.  Just come back in five minutes when
they've lost the game.

RICK:  Right.  [closes cabinet door.  He starts to walks away, but
returns, knocks ont he cabinet door, and opens it]  Great hiding place,
Mike!  [closes door and walks to the stairs.  VYVYAN is sitting there,
lighting a cigarette]

RICK:  Well, for Heaven's sake, Vyvyan, I've found you!  Why won't anybody
play this game properly?

VYVYAN:  Look, I haven't started hiding yet, have I?

RICK:  Well, would you mind doing it now, please?  I'll give you five. 
[closes his eyes, VYVYAN hides in the wardrobe]  FIVE!  [opens his eyes and
looks around.  He can't find him]  BASTARD!  [runs up the staris]

[shot of VYVYAN in the wardrobe.  VYVYAN walks into a Narnia, from C. S.
Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.  A WITCH sits on a
horse-driven sled nearby, along with her dwarf servent, SHIRLEY.  SHIRLEY
has a long beard and is smoking a pipe]

WITCH:  Stop here, Shirley.

SHIRLEY:  Look, your majesty.  A young forn!

WITCH:  That's not a forn, that's a man-child, son of Adam.  His presence
signals danger.

SHIRLEY:  It's the profecy!

WITCH:  Silence, we must question him.  [to VYVYAN]  Hello, little boy! 
What's your name?

VYVYAN: [walking over]  Vyvyan!  

WITCH:  [holding plate of turkish delight]  What a lovely name.  Come,
sit next to me, child.  [VYVYAN sits in sled.]  Have some Turkish Delight.
[VYVYAN leans over and opens his mouth.  WITCH reciols in dusgust] 
Ughh...Who's farted?

VYVYAN:  It's not me!

[SHIRLEY pulls his beard off and grabs VYVYAN's collar]

SHIRLEY:  That's revolting!  That's revolting!  People like you should be
put in little boxes, tied up with string, and left in small dark rooms with
out any electricity!

VYVYAN:  Who says?

SHIRLEY:  For a month!

VYVYAN:  WHO SAYS?

SHIRLEY:  [weakly]  She does.

WITCH:  I did not!  That's a lie, Shirley!

VYVYAN:  'Shirley'?  Is that your name, then?  'Shirley'?

SHIRLEY:  It's better than 'Vyvyan' by a longshot!

VYVYAN:  Oh, yeah?  'Shirley'!

WITCH:  Oh, would you two shut up!  Would you like some Turkish Delight, my
child?

VYVYAN:  Not particularly!  You got any keibabs?

WITCH:  Listen, sweetheart.  You eat the turkish delight, or you'll find
yourself in the rockery holding up fishing grout!

SHIRLEY:  And she means it!

VYVYAN:  Look, I'm in a bit of hurry actually.  You see I'm trying to
hide form someone.  You have seen a would-be Sociology student being chased
by a lion, have you?

WITCH:  [horrified] A lion?

SHIRLEY:  Lion?

VYVYAN:  Well, if you do, don't tell him I'm hiding in this tree over here,
okay?  [walks to tree]

WITCH:  No, wait!  Man-child, I command you to wait!  Stop him, Shirley!

SHIRLEY:  You majesty!  He said a lion!  It's the profecy!

[VYVYAN enters the tree with a scream.  CUT to VYVYAN sliding down a dark
tunner.  CUT to cellar.  RICK is searching the room.  VYVYAN falls out fo
the fireplace, unseen by RICK]

RICK:  Oh, what is the bloody point?  Alright, Vyvyan.  I give up!

VYVYAN:  [waves his arms]  Cooie!  Behind you!

RICK:  [shuts cellar door]  You bloody cheat!  I thought we said no hiding
in the cellar!

VYVYAN:  Then what are you looking in the cellar for?

RICK:  Uh...I'm not looking for you, actually.  I just came down here to tell
you I didn't want to play your bloody childish game anymore!

VYVYAN:  What do you mean?  It was your idea to play 'Hide and Seek'!

RICK:  It was a joke!  I was playing another joke on you!  And, Ha Ha Ha,
because you fell for it!  [puts hands on hips and gives smug look]

VYVYAN:  [thinking for quick comeback]  Well, I didn't fall for it
because...because while you were counting to one hundred, I went up to
your bedroom and set fire to your Sociology file! [smiles]

[RICK's smug look as turned to a look of prue anger.  He takes out his
biro, digs it into VYVYAN's head, and backs away laughing.  VYVYAN, on
the floor, shakes the cobwebs out and throws a crowbar at RICK.  The
crowbar gets RICK's jacket by the right collar and sttaches him to the
cellar door.  VYVYAN picks up a hatchet and prepares to do RICK in.  RICK
screams as NEIL opens the door.]

NEIL:  Lads!  Lads, come quickly!  Rick's bedroom is on fire!

VYVYAN:  Great! [grabs a gasoline can]  Come on! [he shuts the door.  RICK
falls to the ground with a thud]

RICK:  They've hurt my bottom!

[CUT to drawing room.  A siren is heard in the background as JERZEI BALOWSKI
enters through the door]

JERZEI:  Hello?  Hello, boys?  It's Jerzei Balowski, your landlord, come for
the party with the tremolo records, boys!  Hello boys, anybody home?  Hello? 
Oh, nobody home, oh.  [spies soda can on top of the refrigerator]  Oh! 
Coca-Cola!  Symbol of free west!  Oh!  [Grabs can]  Oh, I like Coca-Cola.
Mmm!  [Takes a sip, and screams in pain]  Oh, tastes good!  Hello, boys? 
Hello b...  [screams again and drinks some more]  Hello, boys?  Hello?  [has
minor convulsions]  Hello, boys?  Where are you?  Boys?  [howls at skeleton
as he enters the wardrobe]  Boys?  Hello?  Where are you?  Hello, boys! 
Where are you?

[CUT to stairs.  NEIL and VYVYAN approach the door to RICK's bedroom.  As
NEIL speaks, VYVYAN is placing the spout on the gasoline can]

NEIL:  And I was just...I was just hiding there in the wardrobe,
right.  And it was getting really hot.  And then...and then I thought, 'Oh,
no.  I forgot to put out that Sociology essay that was burning on Rick's
desk!'

VYVYAN:  Yeah, I started that!  Try to make Rick think I was hiding in his
bedroom.

NEIL:  What?  You set fire to Rick's bedroom?  I think that's a really
selfish thing to do, Vyvyan!  I was hiding in there, and you could have
given me away!

[RICK runs in, holding his bottom]

RICK:  Help!  Help!  Call the firemen!  [enters room, his bed is ablaze] 
AIEEGH!  Help!  Call the fireman!  [RICK opens the windowsill, and a huge
gush of water comes in, dousing the flames and soaking RICK]

VYVYAN:  [enters with NEIL] Blimey!  That was quick!  [sits on the bed. 
RICK is sitting on the floor with a fish flapping about in his jacket]

RICK:  Well, super!  Perfect!  Lovely!  Wonderful!  Good old Vyvyan! 
BIg tip, 'A' plus, ten out of ten, go and see Mayter and get up another
bit of tuck!  Bloody great, isn't it Vyvyan?  just think, I won't have
to put my...my...my bed in the toaster now.

[MIKE enters with a suitcase and a cigarette in his mouth]

MIKE:  Anybody got a light?  [walks over to the bed and lights his
cigarette on a small flame]

RICK:  Oh, Blooming flip!  Sorry, Mike!  Silly of me!  I did have one, but I
went and put it out!  I'm such a twit!  Slap!  Slap!  Slap!

MIKE:  Hey, Rick.  You've got a fish sticking out of your shirt!

NEIL:  I hate sharks!

VYVYAN:  Don't be stupid, Neil.  That's not a shark!

NEIL:  [pointing to window]  No, but that is.

[they look at the window to see a shark swimming]

VYVYAN:  That's just the most completely brillint thing I've ever seen...A
flying shark!

MIKE:  Uh, Vyvyan.  Sharks don't fly.

VYVYAN:  Oh, wow!  That's what those sirens must have been, of course. 
Shark warnings!

MIKE:  Look, I don't want to be a wet blanket or anything, but if this house
is a bottle, I'm the one with a message.

NEIL:  What do you mean, Mike?

MIKE:  [exiting]  Simple, London has flooded.

[pause.  RICK is in shock.  VYVYAN is fascinated.  NEIL is pondering]

NEIL:  Oh well.  WEll, we'll all probably get drowned or eaten by
octupuses, then.

RICK:  WHAT?  Phone the police!

NEIL:  But they're fascists!

RICK:  Well, never mind about that now!  Telephone, Vyvyan!

[Vyvyan runs down the stairs past MIKE who is going upstairs.  VYVYAN
grabs the phone and pulls it off the wall, cord and all.  He then runs
back upstairs, passing MIKE who is going downstairs, and back into RICK's
bedroom.  He places the receiver to his ear, and then throws it down]

VYVYAN: [exhausted]  Oh, it's broken.

[CUT to JERZEI in the wardrobe passing the same scenery as VYVYAN did]

JERZEI:  Hello boys, hello?  [drinks and spits it up violently]  Hello,
boys?  Anybody home?

[CUT to the staircase.  The boys all run down the stairs]

RICK:  I know, switch on the radio.  There's bound to be a public information
bulletin! [VYVYAN switches on the radio]

[CUT to a station.  A DJ and a PUNK are having an interview.  The PUNK has
no arms.]

DJ:  And exactly how long have you been in the music biz?

PUNK:  Since lunchtime.  I was working in a well known laundrette in the
King's road this morning.  Malcom McLaren came in and liked the look of me.

DJ:  Right.

PUNK:  {mumbles to herself}

DJ:  And was it his idea that you should amputate your arms?

PUNK:  Originally, yeah!  I could see the validity of the idea from the
beginning!

DJ:  Right!  In what way?

PUNK:  Well, my music is all about urban alienation, apparantly.

[Water comes in from the vent]

DJ:  What?  Hey, what's going on here?

PUNK:  I can't swim!

DJ:  [panicking, he rushes out the studio, knocking the PUNK to the floor]
 I can't even see.  Look, you do it!  Why wasn't there anything about
this on the radio?

[CUT back to the drawing room.  The radio is leaking water.  RICK
frantically turns it off.  Pan back to see MIKE folding his blow-up doll
in his suitcase.  VYVYAN is building a cardboard sumbarine using a small
hammer, and NEIL is decorating it with a small vial of paint and a brush]

RICK:  That's just typical of you, Vyvyan!  The house is under fifty feet of
water and what do you do, build a submarine!  [thinks]  There's, um, no
room for me in there, is there?

VYVYAN:  No!

RICK:  Good.

VYVYAN:  Of course there isn't any room in it for you!  Why should there
be any room in it for you?  I want to see you drown!  And If I want to see
you drown, why should I build a submarine with room enough for you in it? 
Stupid!  I'm not even taking SPG along!

SPG:  Is that right?  We'll see about, pally!

[SPG flies into the air and bites VYVYAN on the neck]

VYVYAN:  Bastard!  [he falls onto his submarine, wrecking it]

NEIL:  Oh, wow.  Vyvyan, man, you broke your own submarine!

[VYVYAN grabs SPG and starts pummeling him with the hammer]

VYVYAN:  You bastard!  I've shown you a great deal of consideration over
the years but THIS IS THE END OF THE LINE!  YOU'RE GOING OUT TO PLAY WITH
THE SHARKS!

[VYVYAN takes SPG and walks outside.  CUT to water scene.  A SHARK is
swimming, as SPG swims by]

SHARK:  Hello, are you lunch?

SPG:  Is that you?  I think you're great!  I've seen all your films!  Can
I have your autograph?

SHARK:  [sighs]  It's a bore I know, but, you know, I'd miss it if they
didn't ask.

[CUT to JERZEI next to the tree]

JERZEI:  Hello?  Anybody, hello?  Hello?  Tree.  Oh, tree.  Hello, anybody in
the tree? [he enters and falls down the tunnel into the cellar.  He slowly
rises behind a bunch of cardboard boxes, breathing heavily.  When he
appears, the twists the can and throws it down screaming.  He then grabs an
axe and heads out of the room]

[CUT to kitchen.  NEIL is blowing up water wings.  VYVYAN is sitting on a
chair.  RICK is sitting on the counter smoking a cigarette]

NEIL:  Hey, wouldn't it be terrible if we ended up having to eat each
other.  Like those sailors did in that movie, um, 'We ended up having to Eat
Each Other.'

RICK:  Yes, I suppose it would, Neil.  Except that we don't happen to
have any dead sailors lying around the place.  Or perhaps we do, perhaps I
just haven't seen them.  Perhaps I should buy myself a white stick!

NEIL:  I was just saying...

RICK:  YES, WELL DON'T!

MIKE:  Alright!  Alright, alright, alright!  As usual, Mike, the
cool person, comes up with a solution in times of trouble, and even
trouble with a capital 'T'.  This is, as they say, the moment of not
telling too many lies.  [pause]  Are you with me?

VYVYAN:  No, not at all!

MIKE:  The definition of hunger:  Too many guys, not enough food.  All we've
got to do is change the ratio!  And Neil's come up with the answer.

NEIL:  Oh!

MIKE:  Yeah, there's only one problem.  Who's going in the pot?

[long pause.  RICK has a grin on his face]

RICK:  ME!  [to NEIL] No him, it was a joke!

[CUT to NEIL's bedroom]

NEIL:  Just my luck I was supposed to get the shortest straw.  Mind you it was
pretty uncool of the guys not to show me theirs, but there you go.  [the door
bursts open and MIKE, RICK, and VYVYAN bust in.]  Oh, hi guys!  Yeah, Come
and sit down, yeah!  Uh, do you want to play some records?  [RICK and MIKE
force NEIL onto the bed]  Uh...Oh, look guys...Guys, I just remembered I
got something, uh, really important to do, you know.  So, goodbye.

MIKE:  No time for that, Neil.  We're hungry!

[VYVYAN turns on a hedge trimmer.  NEIL screams in fright]

RICK:  Ha!  He's scared!  He's scared!  'Scaredy cat, scaredy cat!  Sitting on
the doormat!  All the little doggie-wogs... [notices that VYVYAN and MIKE are
staring at him]  ...will have a little bit of it.'

[VYVYAN turns on the hedge trimmer again.]

VYVYAN:  Right!  Here we go!

MIKE:  [frantic]  Hold it!  Hold it!  HOLD IT!  [VYVYAN turn off the
trimmer]  Hold it like that!  [shows]  Then you get a nice clean cut and
there's no mess!  [VYVYAN turns on the motor.  NEIL sits upright]

NEIL:  Oh, Vyvyan?

VYVYAN:  Yeah?

NEIL:  Vyvyan, could I have an antisthetic?

VYVYAN:  Course you can!  [he hits NEIL ofer the head with a hammer.  NEIL
passes out, but quickly revives]

NEIL:  Oh, no.  Wait, wait, wait, wait!  Uh, uh, look...Uh, Mike, is there
time for a last cigarette?

MIKE:  I don't see why not, yeah!  [he pulls a cigarette out from behind
his ear and puts it in his mouth.  RICK lights it.  MIKE takes one drag
and douses it out]  Alright.

[VYVYAN prepares to slice NEIL in half, when a small secton of the door is
chopped off by an axe as JERZEI stick as much of his face in thh crack as
possible]

JERZEI:  Heerrree's Jerzei!

RICK:  It's Mr. Balowski!

VYVYAN:  How did he get in here?

NEIL:  Well, you could eat him instead, actually.

JERZEI:  Little pigs!  Little pigs!  Let me in!  Boys and girls come out
to play on the busy motorway!  Let me in!  Jerzei wants to play 'Hospital'!

RICK:  Oh, my God!  He's turned into a homicidal axe-weilding maniac!
[MIKE covers himself with a bedsheet]

NEIL:  Oh, well!  Out of a frying pan, into another frying pan...

RICK:  Shut up, Neil!  Shut up!  [NEIL continues to babble.  JERZEI starts
screaming]  Shut up!  Shut up!  BLOODY SHUSH!  SHUSH!  [runs to the door where
JERZEI is trying to cut his way in]  There's nobody in here, Mr. Balowski! 
We're all holograms!  What are we going to do, Mike?  [looks for MIKE, who
is invisible, thanks to the bedsheet]

[CUT to outside the bedroom.  JERZEI is chopping at the door.  A chair is
here with a backdrop reading, 'HALF TIME REPORT'  JERZEI stops cutting and
sits down.  He speaks in a different voice]

JERZEI:  Well, we're halfway through the show, and it's time for a half
time report. I think the show has been going particulary well.  I
particulary like how the young lad, Rick, has been going off the joke into
the dead laugh area... [quick shot of the boys watching this on a
television set.  MIKE is sill covered by the bedsheet]

JERZEI:  Going into the international sphere, they're going to have to face
some stiff competition especially from the Swedes with their comedy series,
"Ooh, Where's My Volvo?" and also, of course, from the French with their
comedy series, "Mr. Poo Poo Goes to the Lavatory".

VOICE:  ...we're going on!

JERZEI:  Oh, sorry, Paul.  Anyway, the half times over now and it's back to
the action.  [Screams and chops off another section fo the door.  He is
back using his normal voice]

JERZEI:  Let me in, boys!  Jerzei wants to finger your entrails!

RICK:  I know, let's put Neil's speaker in front of the door!

SPEAKER:  I don't want to go in front of the door!

[NEIL shields his speaker from the others]

NEIL:  Oh, not that speaker!  Jimi Hendrix once pissed on that!

RICK:  Then let's put Neil in front of the door!  [they force NEIL to the
door.  JERZEI grabs him by the throat.  VYVYAN takes the hedge trimmer and
cuts a section of the wall out]

RICK:  Yes!  Yes!  Bite his fingers, Neil!

NEIL:  You know I can't do that!  I'm a vegetarian!

RICK:  Well, keep him occupied while we escape.  [RICK, MIKE, and VYVYAN
rush out the hole.  NEIL grabs JERZEI's hand and blows his nose on it]

JERZEI:  UGH!  You nasty boy...  [NEIL runs out through the hole.  JERZEI
chases them up the stairs.  CUT to the outside of MIKE's bedroom.  JERZEI
runs in as VYVYAN slams the door.  Sounds of lions eating JERZEI]

[CUT to stiarcase.  The boys are descending]

VYVYAN:  It's a good job Bobby was here with his man-eating lions.

RICK:  Yes, I'd like to shake his hand.

MIKE:  Here.  [gives RICK a severed hand]

RICK:  Oh, thanks!  [he shakes it and throws it away]

NEIL:  [looking out of window]  Hey, wow!  Guys, come and look!  The house has
grown!

[They look out the window]

RICK:  He's wrong, you know!  The waters are subsiding!

VYVYAN:  What's that?

[CUT to shot of SPG swimming on top of the water.  He has a coke can in
his mouth.  End credits.  Fade]


                           THE YOUNG ONES
                           --------------
                                   
                     Written by   Ben Elton
                                  Rik Mayall
                                  Lise Mayer
                        Starred   Ade Edmondson
                                  Rik Mayall
                                  Nigel Planer
                                  Christopher Ryan
                           With   Alexei Sayle
                                      as the Balowski family
                            And   Mark Arden
                                  Jim Barclay
                                  Arnold Brown
                                  Ben Elton
                                  Steve Frost
                                  Gareth Hale
                                  Justine Lord
                                  Norman Pace
                                  David Rappenport
                                  Cindy Shelly
                                  Peter Wear

                      Puppeteer   Marcus Kimber
                          Music   Peter Brewis
               Graphic Designer   Steve Connely
               Properties Buyer   Bob Warans
                 Visual Effects   John Brace
                                  Dave Barton
                   Vision Mixer   Hilary West
              Technical Manager   Alan Jeffery
               Senior Cameraman   Roger Fenna
                  O.B. Lighting   John Mason
                     O.B. Sound   Paul Cunliffe
              Videotape Editors   Graham Hutchings
                                  Ed Wooden
               Costume Designer   Anna Shibley
                 Make-up Artist   Vivien Riley
                Production Team   Ed Bye
				  Jackie Taylor
                          Sound   Laurie Taylor
                       Lighting   Fred Wright
                         Design   Graeme Story
             Assistant Producer   Geoff Posner
                       Producer   Paul Jackson

                        (C) BBC   MCMLXXXII
                                        --The Tick

