.TH sex humor \n(mo/\n(dy/\n(yr "Sex Humor"
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S E X   H U M O R
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-----cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<--------cut-here--------8<-----
Canonical List Of Sex Humor  (Vidi, Vici, Veni)
Archive-Name: sex
Last-Modified: 94/10/12
Version: 2.08
Total-Joke-Count:   700

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ashh@wam.umd.edu (Ben Dover), rlglende@netcom.com (Robert Lewis Glendenning),
limon@hh.sbay.org (Timothy A. Limon), rich.victor@lcabin.com (Rich Victor),
cramer@moe.coe.uga.edu (Steve Cramer), jan@filetek.com (Jan Morales), gja@palm.
swindon.gpsemi.com (Gavin Adrian GPS Slave), rodeo@cash.isri.unlv.edu (Keith
Smith), rlhaas@pylon.com (Robin Haas), alum@acs.ucalgary.ca (Andy Lum),
rolleston_c@ix.wcc.govt.nz (Chris Rolleston), medusa@rci.ripco.com (Robin
Simons), gougar@alpha1.csd.uwm.edu (Jon Mason Gougar Jr), davem@ersys.edmonton.
ab.ca (Dave McCrady)


CONTENTS
   CONDOM HUMOR
   GAY HUMOR
   SEX RIDDLES
   SEX QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS
   SEX HUMOR


================================================================================
== CONDOM HUMOR ================================================================
-= condom humor =-=    1 =------------------------------------------------------

condom(1)                 Eunuch Programmer's Manual                  condom(1)

Name
  condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child processes

Synopsis
  condom [options] [processid]

Description
   _condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that
may invade your system.  Although the spread of such viruses across a network
can only be abated by aware and cautious users, _condom_ is the only
highly-effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see
celibacy(1)).  Any data passed to _condom_ by the protected process will be
blocked, as specified by the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below).
_condom_ is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious
afflictions...

o AIDS
o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
o Syphilis
o Crabs
o Genital warts
o Gonorrhea
o Chlamydia
o Michelangelo
o Jerusalem

   When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and/or
setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a child process.  If invoked
from within a synchronous process, _condom_ has, by default, an 80% chance of
preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes (see the -s
option below).  When other process contraceptives are used, the chance of
preventing a child process from being forked becomes much greater.  See pill(1),
sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.
   If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined by
the environment variable USER) is protected with a Trojan rough-cut latex condom
without a reservoir tip.  The optional 'processid' argument is an integer
specifying the process to protect.
   Note: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk.  _condom_ will terminate
abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).

Options
     The following options may be given to _condom_...

  -b BRAND  BRANDs are as follows...

      trojan (default)
      ramses
      sheik
      goldcoin
      fourex

  -m MATERIAL  The valid MATERIALs are...

      latex (default)
      saranwrap
      membrane -- WARNING!  The membrane option is _not_ endorsed by the System
      Administrator General as an effective barrier against certain viruses.
      It is supported only for the sake of tradition.

  -f FLAVOR  The following FLAVORs are currently supported...

      plain (default)
      apple
      banana
      cherry
      cinnamon
      licorice
      orange
      peppermint
      raspberry
      spearmint
      strawberry

  -r    Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)

  -s STRENGTH  STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the
      resilience of _condom_ against data passed to _condom_ by the protected
      process.  Using a larger value of STRENGTH increases _condom_'s
      protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication.  A
      smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess communication, but also
      increases the likelihood of a security breach.  An extremely vigorous
      process or one passing an enormous amount of data to _condom_ will
      increase the chance of _condom_'s failure.  The default STRENGTH is 80%.

  -t TEXTURE  Valid TEXTUREs are...

      rough (default)
      ribbed
      bumps
      lubricated (provides smoother interaction between processes)

  Warning: The use of an external application to _condom_ in order to reduce
friction between processes has been proven in benchmark tests to decrease
_condom_'s strength factor!  If execution speed is important to your process,
use the '-t lubricated' option.

Diagnostics
  _condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes...

  -1  An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk.

   0  _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous
    process).

   1  _condom_ failed and data was allowed through.  The danger of transmission
    of an STV or the forking of a child process is inversely proportional to
    the number of other protections employed and is directly proportional to
    the ages of the processes involved.

Bugs
  _condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from being forked
or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although the System Administrator
General has deemed that _condom_ is the most effective means of preventing the
spread of system transmitted viruses).  See celibacy(1) for information on a
100% effective program for preventing these problems.
  Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines should only occur
between mature, consenting processes.  If you must use sex(1), please employ
_condom_ to protect your process and your synchronous process.  If we are all
responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs.

See Also
  celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3)

-= condom humor =-=    2 =------------------------------------------------------

List Of Possible Slogans Promoting 'National Condom Week'

A crank with armor will never harm her
Before getting drastic, wrap it in plastic
Before getting laid, wrap up your spade
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
Bodies shouldn't go slapping unless peter's got his wrapping
Cover your stump before you hump
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
Don't be a loner, cover your boner
Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
Don't be silly, protect your willy
Especially in December, gift wrap your member
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
If you go into heat, package your meat
If you really love her, wear a cover.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
Never ever deck her with an unwrapped pecker
No glove, no love!
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
The right selection will protect your erection
When in doubt, shroud your spout
When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
You could get a germ if you don't cover your worm
You might wind up dead if you don't shield your head

-= condom humor =-=    3 =------------------------------------------------------

   A fellow walks into the pharmacy and ask to purchase some condoms.
   "What size package would you like?"
   "Oh, I get to choose?  What do you have?"
   "Well we have a six-pack, a nine-pack and a twelve-pack."
   "Why so many different ones?"
   "Well the six-pack is very popular with our customers of the Jewish
persuasion."
   "Why is that?"
   "Evidently, once a night, except the sabbath."
   "How about the nine-pack?"
   "That is very popular with our customers of the black persuasion.  Once a
night and twice on weekends."
   "How about the twelve-pack."
   "That is very popular with our customers of the white persuasion...January,
February, March..."

-= condom humor =-=    4 =------------------------------------------------------

   A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms.  He's got a date
this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case."  He looks around and
doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a
clerk for some help.
   "Sure, I can help you," says the clerk.  "What do you want to know?"
   "Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be
prepared...just in case, you know?  But I've never bought condoms before and I
don't quite know what I should be getting."
   "Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms.  That should do
you just fine."
   "Why 3?" says the lad.
   "Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one
breaks." replies the clerk.
   "Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?" says the lad.
   "That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend.  One for every day of
the week." says the clerk.
   "Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?" says the lad.
   "Oh.  You don't need that." says the clerk.
   "Well why not?" says the lad.  "Seems to be more economical."
   "Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men.  One for January, one
for February, one for March...."

-= condom humor =-=    5 =------------------------------------------------------

Tom Brook-Taylor (ex Goodies) told this one at the end of a sitcom play last
night here in Hong Kong:

   A man goes into a shop to buy a condom. The shop assistant explained that the
shop only sold condoms in packs, not singly.  The man asked what size packs were
available.
   The shop assistant replied, "Sir, we have the German, Frenchman, and
Englishman packs.  Because the Germans are very punctual and dependable, the
German pack contains seven condoms; one for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  The Frenchman's pack contains eight
condoms; one for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and
because the French are so passionate, two for Sunday.  However, the Englishman's
pack has twelve condoms."
   At this the customer, being English, straightened his back, pulled in his
tummy, and stuck out his chest, proud to be English.
   "Yes," the shop assistant continued, "twelve; one for January, February,
March..."

-= condom humor =-=    6 =------------------------------------------------------

   A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the
second story window and lands squarely on his head.  Rather disgusted and
absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.  An
elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
   The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
   The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.  Since,
you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
   The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to
know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

-= condom humor =-=    7 =------------------------------------------------------

   There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by
stuffing the pack into a condom.  She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.
   The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am."
   She said, "I'm not sure, they're for my Camels."  At which point, he fainted.

-= condom humor =-=    8 =------------------------------------------------------

The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life.  A hooker picks him up and
they go to a cheap motel for the night.  As they are about to go to bed, she
hands him a condom and asks him to put it on.  He looks very confused, so she
demonstrates on her forefinger.  They are well into their lovemaking when she
suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and
asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?"  He replies, "Sure
am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it.

-= condom humor =-=    9 =------------------------------------------------------

   A population control program was introduced to the island, but the medicine
men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills.
They decided to concentrate on teaching men to wear condoms.
   One of the tribesmen who came in had eight children in eight years, and the
medicine man told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath.  He explained
that as long as the man wore the condom, his woman could not have another baby.
   A month later, the man's wife came in and was pregnant again.  The medicine
man got very angry.  He called the man in and asked him why he didn't wear the
condoms.
   The man replied, "I DID wear one.  But after six days, I had to urinate so
badly that I cut the end off."

-= condom humor =-=   10 =------------------------------------------------------

   A little boy came into the house and said to his little sister, "Guess what,
I found a used condom underneath the magnolias."
   His little sister looker up and said, "What's a magnolia?"

-= condom humor =-=   11 =------------------------------------------------------

   A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the
pharmacy to buy some condoms.
   The pharmacist says, "What can I help you with?"
   The teen hesistantly says, "I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom."
   Pharmacist says, "Okay.  Here you are."  (Sets a box of condoms on counter)
   The teen, thinking that was rather easy and painless, says, "Well, now that I
think about it, I think I'll be needing two boxes of condoms."
   The pharmacist replies, "Well, okay."  (Gets another one)
   The teen, getting even bolder, then says, "Actually, its a pretty hot date I
have tonight.  I think I'll be needing four boxes of condoms."
   The teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he
wants until he's leaving the pharmacy with 20 boxes of condoms.
   Later that night, the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house.  She tells
him that he's invited to stay for dinner.  So he goes in and sits down at the
table with all of her family.  The father asks if he'd like to say grace before
beginning the meal.
   The teen accepts and says the following, "Oh Lord, thank you for this food
and the hands that made it, and the people who took the time to grow it and...
(goes on for nearly 10 minutes, blessing *everything* including the table, the
silverware, all the containers, the floor, etc...) ...Amen."
   The girl turns to the teen and says, "Gee, I didn't know that you were really
religious."
   The teen whispers back, "Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist."

-= condom humor =-=   12 =------------------------------------------------------

   This kid walks into the pharmacy and tells the person at the counter, "I've a
hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it."
   "What do you want?"
   "Well, it's a hot date, man.  A sure thing?  You know..."
   "What do you want?"
   "I need some protection, alright??!?!"
   "What size?"
   "Size?  I dunno...  Whatever is considered average I guess."
   "That'll be $2.35 including tax."
   "Tacks?  Tacks?!?!  I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

-= condom humor =-=   13 =------------------------------------------------------

   A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms.  As soon as he
has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
   The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to
bust.  The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man
returns, to follow him.
   Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once
more.  The assistant duly follows.  Half an hour later, he returns.
   "So did you follow him?"
   "I did."
   "And...where did he go?"
   "Over to your house..."

-= condom humor =-=   14 =------------------------------------------------------

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.  She
answered, "Depends on what's in it for me."

-= condom humor =-=   15 =------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady
pharmacist is filling prescriptions.  When she finally gets around to helping
him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please."  With a surprised look on her face
the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?!  Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make
it 100."

-= condom humor =-=   16 =------------------------------------------------------

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Make a tire and call it a good year.

What's the difference between 365 condoms and a tire...
A tire might be a goodyear, but 365 condoms is a GREAT year!  :)

-= condom humor =-=   17 =------------------------------------------------------

Why do cowboys use denim condoms?
Because they shrink to fit.

-= condom humor =-=   18 =------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers?
You turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of 'em.

-= condom humor =-=   19 =------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new West Virginian rubbers?
They're open-ended for more sensitivity.

-= condom humor =-=   20 =------------------------------------------------------

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

-= condom humor =-=   21 =------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

-= condom humor =-=   22 =------------------------------------------------------

   A Marine drill sergeant came into a pharmacy and took a tattered old condom
out of his wallet and asked the pharmacist, "How much for a new one like this?"
   "Ohh, I'd say about sixty cents," replied the pharmacist.
   "Right, and how much to have this one repaired?" asked the drill sergeant.
   Amused and puzzled, the pharmacist decided to humor the sergeant.  "Oh, about
about forty cents."
   "I'll have to think about it." replied the drill sergeant, who then put the
condom back into his wallet and left.
   Two week later, the drill sergeant returned and, throwing the even more
ragged old condom out on the counter, said, "Okay, the regiment has decided to
buy a new one!"

-= condom humor =-=   23 =------------------------------------------------------

Written on a condom vending machine:
These chewing gums don't taste too good!!!

Written on another one of the condom vending machines:
For refund, insert baby.

Another condom vending machine had the condom brand name "Adam And Eve"
scratched out and replaced with "Adam And Steve".

-= condom humor =-=   24 =------------------------------------------------------

What do you call grit in a condom?
An organ grinder!

-= condom humor =-=   25 =------------------------------------------------------

Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.

-= condom humor =-=   26 =------------------------------------------------------

   Why is a diploma like a condom?
   It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, it's worthless
the next day.

-= condom humor =-=   27 =------------------------------------------------------

A girl said, "My last lover was so bad, he should have used amateurphylactics!"

-= condom humor =-=   28 =------------------------------------------------------

What happened to the man who put the condom on back to front?
He went.

-= condom humor =-=   29 =------------------------------------------------------

I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a "Tested to British
Safety Standards" sign on it.  Underneath someone had scrawled...  So was the
Titanic!!!

-= condom humor =-=   30 =------------------------------------------------------

What are the three sizes in which condoms are sold?
Large, medium, and Caucasian.

-= condom humor =-=   31 =------------------------------------------------------

What does Kodak and a condom have in common?
You use both to catch those special moments!!!

-= condom humor =-=   32 =------------------------------------------------------

When is the best time to wear a condom?
On every conceivable occasion!

-= condom humor =-=   33 =------------------------------------------------------

What should a woman do when her mate refuses to wear a condom because "It cuts
   down on what I feel"?
Say, "Good, then we'll be even!"

-= condom humor =-=   34 =------------------------------------------------------

What do condoms and coffins have in common?
They both have stiffs in them, but one's coming and one's going.

-= condom humor =-=   35 =------------------------------------------------------

Seen on a coupon for two products sold by the same manufacturer:

Contraceptive sponge or home pregnancy test: your choice

-= condom humor =-=   36 =------------------------------------------------------

   This Indian goes into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist that he has too
many youngins.  He asks if there is anything he can take for it.  The pharmacist
puts some rubbers on the counter and says try these.  The Indian leaves happy.
   The next day, the Indian walks up to the counter and throws the remaining
rubbers at the pharmacist.  The pharmacist asks what happened.  The Indian just
looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH.  Right nut go UGH.  Rubber go BANG!!"
The pharmacist looks surprised and gets some extra heavy duty Trojans and hands
them to him and suggests he try these.
   The next day, the Indian comes back in and throws the remaining rubbers at
the pharmacist.  The surprised pharmacist asks what happened this time?  The
Indian just looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH.  Right nut go UGH.  Rubber
go BANG!"  The pharmacist thinks for a while.  He says wait here and I'll be
right back.  He goes out back and gets an old Tire tube and sews a rubber out of
it.  He gives this to the Indian and says to try it.  The Indian looks at it and
agrees it will work.
   The next day, the Indian comes into the store moaning and limping!  The
pharmacist goes up to him and helps him to a seat.  He then asks the Indian what
happened.  The Indian looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH!  RUBBER go UGH!
RIGHT NUT GO _BANG_!!!"

-= condom humor =-=   37 =------------------------------------------------------

   A man walks into a drug story.  He approaches the pharmacist and asks, "Do
you have any of those condoms with insecticide on them?"
   The pharmacists says, "Ugh...don't you mean spermacide?"
   The man replies, "No...insecticide.  My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm
going after it!"

-= condom humor =-=   38 =------------------------------------------------------

Hong Kong has recently seen the introduction of a condom called "Mr Condom",
which has brightly covered packaging and which is advertised on the underground
railway service.  This made me realise that there is an opportunity here for a
new form of advertising, on the condom itself.  With the increasing acceptance
of the condom as an everyday item plus the close attention given to each
individual condom by the 'user' and 'participant', there is definitely an area
here that could be used for promoting companies, etc.  Some possibilities:

A bank - expand with us
A marketing company - achieve better penetration with ...
An insurance company - we provide total protection
A roofing company - we also provide a cover that does not leak
Shell fuels - for the ultimate thrust
Lubricants - for smooth action
A smear campaign in an election - don't vote for that prick

-= condom humor =-=   39 =------------------------------------------------------

   Associated Press -  The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has finally
approved the "female condom," which has been available in other countries for a
number of years, but only if it comes with several pages of instructions with 11
diagrams showing proper use.  But what to call them to attract American women?
   "We looked at names like Behold, Within, Beyond - pretty words and pretty
packages with roses or young couples in the sunlight," said company spokeswoman
Mary Ann Leeper.
   Keeping modern diseases in mind, they finally decided to take a serious
approach; "Reality" comes packaged in a plain white box.

-= condom humor =-=   40 =------------------------------------------------------

   Rome (Reuter) -  An Italian physics student is ringing the changes with a
condom that plays classical music if it splits during sex.
   "When a condom breaks, you need to be warned urgently so that it can be
changed in time.  Mine will do it with a quick burst of Beethoven," amateur
inventor Lino Missio, 26, said Friday.  "I've got a prototype and it works just
fine."
   Missio, who studies in Genoa, said his musical condom, which he patented this
week, was coated with a special compound whose ability to conduct electricity
changed when the condom splits.
   A minute, flexible microchip at the base of the condom measures any changes
in the condom's electrical properties and sounds the alarm.
   "It needn't just play music.  You could get it to give you a verbal warning,"
Missio told Reuters.  He said he was looking for a company to help him develop
and market his invention.

-= condom humor =-=   41 =------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

                                Trojon Condoms Co. Inc.
                                6944 Slippery Root Drive
                                Bendover, Miss.  10169

RE: Male Model

Dear Mr. Smith

We regret to inform you that your application to model Trojan Condoms has been
rejected.  Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our
board of directors feels that you do not achieve the positive romantic image we
are seeking for our product.

A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom does not promote a romantic image.  Your
ingenious use of "polygrip" is admirable, but unfortunately, even that did not
result in securing our product in place long enough for photographs to be taken.

Your interest in Trojan Condoms is appreciated, and we will retain your
application on file in case the market for the "micro-mini" condoms ever shows
the potential for developing.

Along with our thanks to you, we send your wife our deepest sympathy.

Yours Truly,

Peter Skinner
Director of Marketing
Trojan Condoms Co. Inc.


================================================================================
== GAY HUMOR ===================================================================
-= gay humor =-=    1 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two gay men are walking along, and are checking out this guy across the street.
   "Hey, I know that guy!  He's HOT!"
   "No shit..."
   "Well, hardly any."

-= gay humor =-=    2 =---------------------------------------------------------

When the next earthquake strikes San Francisco, why will the gay men be the
   first to evacuate?
They've already got their shit packed.

-= gay humor =-=    3 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco?
Because their balls hang out!

-= gay humor =-=    4 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you heard about the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a woman on
   the street?
Well, two held the woman while the third one did her hair.

-= gay humor =-=    5 =---------------------------------------------------------

If two lesbians and two fags leave New York for San Francisco, who gets there
  first?
The lesbians.  While they are doing 69, the fags are still packing their shit!
  or
The lesbians, who go lickety split while the fags are still packing their shit!

-= gay humor =-=    6 =---------------------------------------------------------

What is the most common phrase uttered in a San Francisco gay bar?
Hi, can I push in your stool?

-= gay humor =-=    7 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why don't San Franciscans eat gerbils?
Because they can't get their legs far enough apart.

-= gay humor =-=    8 =---------------------------------------------------------

How do you get four gay men on a barstool?
Turn it upside down.

-= gay humor =-=    9 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the gay who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

-= gay humor =-=   10 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why did the homosexual leave home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.

Why did he come back?
He couldn't stand to leave his brother's behind.

-= gay humor =-=   11 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're both in the shit!

-= gay humor =-=   12 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two condoms were walking along the street, when they passed a gay bar.  The
first said to the second, "Want to go in and get shit-faced?"

-= gay humor =-=   13 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A bartender in a gay bar was getting ready to close for the night when a
robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun.  He yells to the bartender,
"This is a stick-up!  Put all your dough in this bag!"
   The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
   The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
   The bartender says, "Okay, okay!  Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids!
I'll do whatever you say!"
   The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says,
"Alright, now give me a blowjob!"
   "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
   The bartender starts to blow the crook.  As the crook gets excited, he drops
the gun.  The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to
the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it!  One of my friends might walk in!"

-= gay humor =-=   14 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting office.  After answering
numerous questions, he was finally asked if he was a homosexual.  The guy
admitted that he was.
   "Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled.  "Do you think you could kill a
man?"
   "My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days and days."

-= gay humor =-=   15 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans?
Billy Jeans.

-= gay humor =-=   16 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the two lesbians who were building a house together?
There were no studs in the house at all, just tongue-in-groove!

-= gay humor =-=   17 =---------------------------------------------------------

Liberace was great on the piano...
But sucked on the organ.

Did you hear they were re-opening the case regarding Liberace's death?
They found the asshole that killed him!

Why did Liberace's doctor give him 6 more weeks to live?
The gerbil came out and saw his shadow.

-= gay humor =-=   18 =---------------------------------------------------------

What did River Phoenix and Rock Hudson have in common.
They both got a hold of some bad crack.

-= gay humor =-=   19 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new Rock Hudson jeans?
The zipper is in the back.

-= gay humor =-=   20 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and
abilities.  The conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital
endowment.  To prove their cases the three men placed said topics of
conversation on the bar for measurement.
   Just then, another male patron, who preferred sexual partners of the same
gender, entered the bar and noticed the competition.  The bartender asked the
man, "What'll ya have?"
   The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have
the buffet instead."

-= gay humor =-=   21 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman brings a guy home from a bar and tells him, "We must hurry and get on
with it, my husband will be home soon."
   "How soon?" asks the guy.
   "Don't tell me you're gay!!" yells the woman.

-= gay humor =-=   22 =---------------------------------------------------------

Four gay men were sitting in a hot tub when a blob of semen rose to the surface.
One of the men said, "Alright, who farted?"

-= gay humor =-=   23 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This gay fellow was looking in a sex shop window.  He saw a large rubber
cock that appealed to him, so he went inside.  He told the clerk, pointing to
the big dildo, "I'll take that one."
   "Should I wrap it or just put it in a bag?" asked the clerk.
   "Neither," replied the customer, "I'll just eat it right here."

-= gay humor =-=   24 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a homosexual?
A megasoreass.

-= gay humor =-=   25 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This gay guy visit his doctor and says, "Uh doc, I've got something up my ass
that isn't supposed to be there."
   The doctor says, "Alright, drop your pants and lets take a look."  (snaps on
gloves and feels around)  "Hmm, everything is all right here."
   The gay guy says, "No, it's a bit higher up."
   The doctor pushes his hand further in and then says, "Hmm, still nothing."
   The gay guy replies, "A bit further."
   The doctor presses his hand further in and says, "Why yes, there is something
here...  Ouch...what's that....a rose?"
   To which the gay guy replies, "Yes, it's for you."

-= gay humor =-=   26 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do doctors do with the skins after a circumcision?
They sell them to gays for gum.

-= gay humor =-=   27 =---------------------------------------------------------

When a man and woman get married, they get a marriage license.  What do lesbians
need?
A licker license.

-= gay humor =-=   28 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A farmer walks into a city bar for the first time.  He encounters a very nice
looking woman, and asks her out.  She tells him she's a lesbian.  He doesn't
know what a lesbian is, so she tells him, "You see that woman over there?"
(points to a beautiful woman)
   "Yeah."
   "Well, I want to get her into bed."
   The farmer stops, and thinks for a few seconds, then says, "Well, heck, I
guess I'm a lesbian, too!"

-= gay humor =-=   29 =---------------------------------------------------------

How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
He pulls out and spits on his partner's back.

-= gay humor =-=   30 =---------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if you've just walked into a gay church?
Only half the congregation is kneeling.

-= gay humor =-=   31 =---------------------------------------------------------

If you get malaria from mosquitoes and lime disease from ticks, what do you get
AIDS from?
Asshoppers.

-= gay humor =-=   32 =---------------------------------------------------------

What is the first symptom of AIDS infection?
A pounding sensation in your rear.

-= gay humor =-=   33 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was thrown out of the Olympics?
She kept lapping the other swimmers.

-= gay humor =-=   34 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This guy goes into a bar and asks for 6 shots of the strongest booze the
bartender has.  The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, what's wrong?"
   The guy says, "I just found out my brother is gay."
   The next day, the same guy goes in again and asks for 8 shots.  Again, the
bartender asks what's wrong. The guy says that he found out that his son is gay.
   Yet the next day, the guy goes up to the bartender again and asks for 15
shots.
   "Damn," the bartender says, "doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
   "Yeah," says the man, "my wife!"

-= gay humor =-=   35 =---------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
At a straight rodeo, they yell "Ride that sucker!"

-= gay humor =-=   36 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the gay indian?
He was a brave sucker!

-= gay humor =-=   37 =---------------------------------------------------------

What happens if you spend the night in a gay bar?
You will wake up with a queer taste in your mouth.

-= gay humor =-=   38 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call tuna fish in a lesbian bar?
Potpourri.

-= gay humor =-=   39 =---------------------------------------------------------

Now that it's alright for gays to be in the military, I guess there will be a
whole new meaning when the sarge tells his troops, "Alright boys, bring it up
the rear!"

-= gay humor =-=   40 =---------------------------------------------------------

A homosexual walks into a butcher shop and asks for a salami, so the butcher
asks whether he would like his salami sliced or whole.  "Of course I want it
whole!" the homo says, "does my ass look like a piggy bank to you?"

-= gay humor =-=   41 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why can't k.d.lang lose weight while wearing make-up?
Because she can't eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on her face at the same
time!

-= gay humor =-=   42 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny comes home all excited and tells his mother, "Mom, guess what?
In gym class today, I got laid for the first time!"
   Little Johnny's mother got furious and tells him to go to his room and wait
there until his father gets home.  When the father gets home, the mother tells
him, "You wouldn't believe what Johnny told me today.  Go have a talk with him."
   So the father goes into little Johnny's room and asks him, "Son, what did you
say to your mother that made her so upset?"
   "Gosh," the kid says, "I just told her I got laid for the first time today."
   The father tries to conceal his pride from the eleven-year-old and tells his
son, "This is a little secret we should keep just between us men, okay?"
   "You mean it's alright then?" asks Johnny.
   "No, I didn't say that.  Just don't tell your mother," the father replies.
   The next day, the boy comes home, doesn't say a word to his mother, and goes
straight into his room.  When the father gets home, the mother asks him to talk
to the son because she senses that something is wrong.
   The dad goes into Johnny's room and asks him, "What's wrong son?  Your
mother's concerned.  Did you get laid again today?"
   "Are you crazy?" the boy says.  "My ass still hurts from yesterday!!"

-= gay humor =-=   43 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man was talking with his wife one day.  He says to her, "Honey, I have good
news and bad news.  The bad news is that I'm a woman trapped in a man's body."
   His wife responds, "What could possibly be the good news?"
   He says, "I'm gay."

-= gay humor =-=   44 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This big football player goes into a gay bar looking for trouble.  He rambles
up to the bar and orders a beer.  A short gay guy asks the football player if
he's ever played barroom football (the football player is obviously wearing a
football jacket to give his identity away).  The football player says he has
not, but that he can kick the shit out of any queer in football.
   The little gay guy orders a mug of beer, downs it, slams the mug on the bar,
and says, "Touchdown, big boy."
   The football player does likewise but finishes with, "Touchdown, faggot."
   The gay guy pulls is pants down and takes a dump on the bar floor, pulls his
pants back up and says, "Extra point, big boy."
   The football player rips his pants down and, suddenly, the gay guy is
scrambling up behind him screaming, "Block that kick!"

-= gay humor =-=   45 =---------------------------------------------------------

What kind of a marriage license do lesbians need?
A lick-her license.

-= gay humor =-=   46 =---------------------------------------------------------

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
See you next month.

-= gay humor =-=   47 =---------------------------------------------------------

What is a lesbian recruit?
A wacs fruit.

-= gay humor =-=   48 =---------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a lesbian and a triscuit?
A triscuit is a snack cracker.

-= gay humor =-=   49 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do lesbians and mechanics have in common?
They both use snap-on tools.

-= gay humor =-=   50 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why is Billy Jean King so good at tennis?
Because she swings both ways.

-= gay humor =-=   51 =---------------------------------------------------------

A man came out of a bar with a black eye.  "All I did," he explained, "was ask
this gal in this lesbian bar if she'd like to get something straight between
us!"

-= gay humor =-=   52 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man walks into a bar and sees a very sexy woman.  He tells the bartender to
buy her a drink.  The bartender warns him that she's a lesbian but the man says
he doesn't care.
   "Okay..." says the bartender.
   The lady gets the drink and walks over to him.  "Would you like to see my
tits" she purrs to him.
   "Sure." replies the man.  The lady shows him her breasts, then leaves.
   He sends her another drink.  No sooner had he finished sending it to her than
she came back and said, "Want to see my ass?"
   "Sure." he says.  She does, then she leaves.
   He decides to send her one last drink and when she comes back over, she says,
"Want to smell some pussy?"
   "Sure!" he says.  So she breathes on him!

-= gay humor =-=   53 =---------------------------------------------------------

In the female penitentiary cafeteria, how do they serve a tuna fish sandwich?
Bread on an empty plate (tomato juice optional 3 weeks a month).

-= gay humor =-=   54 =---------------------------------------------------------

The definition of a lesbian?
Just another damn woman trying to do a man's job.

-= gay humor =-=   55 =---------------------------------------------------------

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
One less than men would take.
   or
One to do it and the other to complain about men.
   or
One, but they prefer to do it together.

-= gay humor =-=   56 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why is lesbian sex taboo in society?
Men don't like women giving lip.

-= gay humor =-=   57 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Polish lesbian?
She went down on men.

-= gay humor =-=   58 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two college women were engaging in oral 69 as the dorm mother watched through
the keyhole.  She rapped sharply on the door and called, "Girls, are you doing
something I shouldn't know about?"  "No," one replied, "but you'll never know
about it like we do!"

-= gay humor =-=   59 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why did the lesbian feminist at the university date men?
She wanted to lick them in bed too.

-= gay humor =-=   60 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why do lesbians wear crotchless panties?
They want fast food.

-= gay humor =-=   61 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why did the lesbian put a candle in her navel?
So her lover could eat by candlelight.

-= gay humor =-=   62 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman was caught by her husband masturbating while looking at lesbian
porno.  "Why look at that stuff?" her angry husband asked.
   "It is so beautiful to see women making love!" she exclaimed.
   "Well, take one look in the mirror and see why I always screw you doggie
style!"

-= gay humor =-=   63 =---------------------------------------------------------

What is the ultimate in confusion?
Fifteen blind lesbians at a fish market.

-= gay humor =-=   64 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why do lesbians suck tits before going down?
They have to bring milk to pussy.

-= gay humor =-=   65 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why don't men like to eat pussy as much as women?
They leave fish for the table.

-= gay humor =-=   66 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why do lesbians shrug off christianity?
They get born again every night.

-= gay humor =-=   67 =---------------------------------------------------------

"My wife and I split up because we have too much in common."
"Is that so?" asked the bartender.
"Yup, we both eat pussy!"

-= gay humor =-=   68 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a lesbian eskimo?
A klondyke.

-= gay humor =-=   69 =---------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell a lesbian bar?
The pool table has no balls but plenty of holes.

-= gay humor =-=   70 =---------------------------------------------------------

What is a lesbian bunkbed?
The two levels are only 6 inches apart and have 2 holes.

-= gay humor =-=   71 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do they do at a lesbian wedding?
After saying their vows, the preacher helps one stand on her head to kiss the
bride.

-= gay humor =-=   72 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
   "Okay.  But it won't do you any good."
   A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
   "Okay.  But it won't do you any good."
   He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay.  But it won't do
you any good."
   They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I
have ever seen.  I want you for my wife."
   She says, "Oh, that's different.  Send her in."

-= gay humor =-=   73 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why did the woman go gay after 3 marriages to men?
She was tired of all cock and no action.

-= gay humor =-=   74 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do the pink panther and a male prostitute have in common?
Both are peter sellers.

-= gay humor =-=   75 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new N.F.L franchise consisting of an all-gay roster?
they plan to be a real come-from-behind team.

-= gay humor =-=   76 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the gay bank robber?
He tied up the safe and blew the guard.

-= gay humor =-=   77 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new disease gay musicians are coming down with?
Band aids.

-= gay humor =-=   78 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a gay dentist?
A tooth fairy.

-= gay humor =-=   79 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that ben-hur had a sex change operation?
Now he's ben-gay.

-= gay humor =-=   80 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a couple of gay lawyers?
Legal aids.

-= gay humor =-=   81 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new gay bar?
It's called Boys-R-Us.

-= gay humor =-=   82 =---------------------------------------------------------

What kind of car does Renee Richards drive?
A convertible.

-= gay humor =-=   83 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do gays refer to hemorrhoids as?
Speed bumps.

-= gay humor =-=   84 =---------------------------------------------------------

What three things do gays like to do the most?
Eat, drink, and be mary.

-= gay humor =-=   85 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why did the gay suspect his lover had been cheating on him?
He came home shit-faced.

-= gay humor =-=   86 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a gay milkman?
A dairy queen.

-= gay humor =-=   87 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why is there so little fraternization on naval ships?
Because they seldom see each other face to face.

-= gay humor =-=   88 =---------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the two gay judges who tried each other?

-= gay humor =-=   89 =---------------------------------------------------------

The difference between a straight and a gay priest?
The way they pronounce amen.

-= gay humor =-=   90 =---------------------------------------------------------

What's the hardest thing gays find about dealing with AIDS?
Leaving their friends behind.

-= gay humor =-=   91 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a Jewish homosexual?  a heblew.

-= gay humor =-=   92 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two men in a dormitory were lying around nude.  "You got quite a large piece
of meat," said the first.
   "Yes, and yours is quite big too," said the second.
   "I know," said the first, "let's go to a swap meat!"

-= gay humor =-=   93 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The biggest guy in the bar shouted out, half drunk, "You all on the left side
of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right side are motherfuckers!"
   Suddenly, a man ran from the right to the left side of the bar.  "Where are
you going, squirt?!?" the big man asked.
   "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"

-= gay humor =-=   94 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two winos, Rick and Billy, woke up in an alley in dire need of a drink but
with only 35 cents between them.
   "Shay, i got an idea," said rick.  He used the money to purchase a hotdog
from the corner vendor, then pulled Billy after him into the nearest bar and
ordered a round of drinks.  After downing them, seeing the bartender heading
their way with the bill, Rick quickly inserted the hotdog into Billy's fly and
began to suck on the end of it.
   "Get the hell out of here, you two fags!" said the bartender disgusted.
   This worked equally well at the next bar, and the next, and the next; in
fact, all through the day.  They finally crawled back to their spot in the
alley in the evening, dead drunk.
   "Ya shee what you can do with a hot dog?" slurred Rick cheerfully.
   "What hot dog?" laughed Billy.  "We lost the hotdog after the second bar."

-= gay humor =-=   95 =---------------------------------------------------------

What did one gay congressman say to the other?
"What page are you on?"

-= gay humor =-=   96 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do they call a gay wino?
A grape fruit.

-= gay humor =-=   97 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a gay bar with no stools?
A fruit stand.

-= gay humor =-=   98 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a gay with a vasectomy?
A seedless fruit.

-= gay humor =-=   99 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why was the gay sergeant fired?
For the way he drilled his troops.

-= gay humor =-=  100 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a gay masochist?
A sucker for punishment.

-= gay humor =-=  101 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a gay cannibal?
A headhunter.

-= gay humor =-=  102 =---------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if you have walked into a gay church?
Only half the congregation is on their knees.

-= gay humor =-=  103 =---------------------------------------------------------

What do you do if you drop your keys in San Francisco?
Kick them to San Jose and pick them up.

-= gay humor =-=  104 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why did the gay minister get AIDS?
He didn't wash his organ between hims.

-= gay humor =-=  105 =---------------------------------------------------------

A son was home from college.  "I think my roommate's becoming a queer!"
"What makes you think so?" asked the dad.  "Because he closes his eyes when I
kiss him!"

-= gay humor =-=  106 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two gays had an argument in a bar and went outside to exchange blows.

-= gay humor =-=  107 =---------------------------------------------------------

What did one gay dentist say to the other?
"You have the whitest teeth i've ever come across."

-= gay humor =-=  108 =---------------------------------------------------------

If horse racing is the sport of kings, what is the sport of queens?
Drag racing.

-= gay humor =-=  109 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why is San Francisco like granola?
Because once you get past the fruits and nuts, all you have left are the flakes.

-= gay humor =-=  110 =---------------------------------------------------------

How many goes does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven.  One to do it and six to shout "Faaabulous!"

-= gay humor =-=  111 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   Three gay guys find a brass lamp.  They rub it and a genie comes out.  The
genie says, "Okay you guys get one wish apiece."
   The first guy says, "I want to be really butch."
   The genie says, "Okay," and turns him into a cowboy.
   The second guy says, "Well, I want to be so butch that it makes him look
femme."
   "Okay," says the genie, and turns him into a leatherman.
   The third guy says, "Well, I want to be the biggest butch on the block.  I
want to be so butch that these guys will look like drag queens."
   The genie says, "Okay," and turns him into a lesbian.


================================================================================
== SEX RIDDLES =================================================================
-= sex riddles =-=    1 =-------------------------------------------------------

Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than
Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!

-= sex riddles =-=    2 =-------------------------------------------------------

I was told these by a friend who is in the UK.

What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.

Why do the girls from Essex get confused in the ladies room?
They have to pull their own pants down.

Why do Essex girls have more fun?
Because they don't know any better!

What's the difference between an Essex girl and Robert Maxwell?
An Essex girl won't slip off your boat.

-= sex riddles =-=    3 =-------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!  (Glad he ate her)

-= sex riddles =-=    4 =-------------------------------------------------------

Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.  (8.xxxxxxx....)

-= sex riddles =-=    5 =-------------------------------------------------------

But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.

-= sex riddles =-=    6 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is 69 squared?
Dinner for 4.

-= sex riddles =-=    7 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is 68?
You do me and I owe you one.

-= sex riddles =-=    8 =-------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's the speed limit on sex?
68.  At 69, she'll blow a rod.
   or
68.  At 69, you have to turn around.

-= sex riddles =-=    9 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the meaning of 6.9 for a woman?
69 interrupted by a period!  (ouch..gross!)

-= sex riddles =-=   10 =-------------------------------------------------------

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

-= sex riddles =-=   11 =-------------------------------------------------------

What have you got if you have two fuzzy green balls in the palm of your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.

-= sex riddles =-=   12 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

-= sex riddles =-=   13 =-------------------------------------------------------

Why does the Easter bunny hide his eggs?
He doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.

-= sex riddles =-=   14 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between hard and dark.
It stays dark all night long.

-= sex riddles =-=   15 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between hard and light.
You can sleep with a light on.

-= sex riddles =-=   16 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
Getting him/her in and out of the wheelchair!

-= sex riddles =-=   17 =-------------------------------------------------------

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A teabag.

-= sex riddles =-=   18 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
About three inches.

-= sex riddles =-=   19 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy
   for it?
Money!!!

-= sex riddles =-=   20 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.

-= sex riddles =-=   21 =-------------------------------------------------------

It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all!  Especially when it
comes to sex!  Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite hold up!

If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you
   have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends
   get?
None.

Is three an odd number?
Not in this day and age.

If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch penis
   attract?
Two billion.

If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have
   2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!

How are math and sex the same?
I don't get either one.

-= sex riddles =-=   22 =-------------------------------------------------------

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

-= sex riddles =-=   23 =-------------------------------------------------------

What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

-= sex riddles =-=   24 =-------------------------------------------------------

What did Adam say to Eve?
You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

-= sex riddles =-=   25 =-------------------------------------------------------

What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers?
Fred Astair's face.

-= sex riddles =-=   26 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is green and smells like pork?
Kermit's middle finger.

-= sex riddles =-=   27 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the best thing to give a 90-year old woman?
Mikey...he'll eat anything.

-= sex riddles =-=   28 =-------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.

-= sex riddles =-=   29 =-------------------------------------------------------

What's natural dental floss?
Pubic hair.

-= sex riddles =-=   30 =-------------------------------------------------------

When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

-= sex riddles =-=   31 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A diseased pussy on your organ.

-= sex riddles =-=   32 =-------------------------------------------------------

What should a woman do if a pit bull starts to hump her leg?
Fake an orgasm.

-= sex riddles =-=   33 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm Busch!

-= sex riddles =-=   34 =-------------------------------------------------------

Why is life like a penis?
Because when it's soft, it's hard to beat; but when it's hard, you get screwed.

-= sex riddles =-=   35 =-------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
When you open her legs, the lights go on.

-= sex riddles =-=   36 =-------------------------------------------------------

What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

-= sex riddles =-=   37 =-------------------------------------------------------

What's green and eats nuts?
Herpes!

-= sex riddles =-=   38 =-------------------------------------------------------

What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
They are both fucking close to water!

-= sex riddles =-=   39 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John?
They have both been fucked by Mercury.

-= sex riddles =-=   40 =-------------------------------------------------------

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for?  I'm the one she's going to eat!

-= sex riddles =-=   41 =-------------------------------------------------------

What did the corn chip say to the battery?
If your Eveready, I'm Frito Lay!

-= sex riddles =-=   42 =-------------------------------------------------------

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.

-= sex riddles =-=   43 =-------------------------------------------------------

Why is masturbation better than intercourse for some?
1. You know who you're dealing with.
2. You know when you've had enough.
3. You don't have to be polite afterward.

-= sex riddles =-=   44 =-------------------------------------------------------

Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?
It improves hand-eye coordination.

-= sex riddles =-=   45 =-------------------------------------------------------

What's another name for a sex-change operation?
Artificial infemination.

-= sex riddles =-=   46 =-------------------------------------------------------

What's the connection between a soya been and a vibrator?
Both are meat substitutes.

-= sex riddles =-=   47 =-------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a man with a 1-inch prick?
Justin

-= sex riddles =-=   48 =-------------------------------------------------------

What comes one a day?
The mail.
What comes twice a day?
The mailman, when the husband is away!

-= sex riddles =-=   49 =-------------------------------------------------------

What are the three words a housewife never wants to here when making love?
Honey, I'm home!

-= sex riddles =-=   50 =-------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny?
You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

-= sex riddles =-=   51 =-------------------------------------------------------

What do female hippos say during sex?
Can I be on top this time?

What do female snails say during sex?
Faster!  Faster!

-= sex riddles =-=   52 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the definition of a sadist?
Someone who's kind to a masochist.

-= sex riddles =-=   53 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the definition of indecent?
When it's in long, and it's in hard, and it's in deep, then it's indecent.

-= sex riddles =-=   54 =-------------------------------------------------------

Why do men who are bankers make better lovers?
Because they know that there is a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.

-= sex riddles =-=   55 =-------------------------------------------------------

What do toys and womens breasts have in common.
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.

-= sex riddles =-=   56 =-------------------------------------------------------

What do spaghetti and women have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them!

-= sex riddles =-=   57 =-------------------------------------------------------

What does a woman and a airplane have in common?
A cockpit.

-= sex riddles =-=   58 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a hen and a prostitute?
One says cock-ka-doodle-do and the other says any cock will do.

-= sex riddles =-=   59 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a human gene and a hormone?
You cannot make a human gene.

-= sex riddles =-=   60 =-------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the prostitute who was arrested after she threw her pimp on
   an escalator?
She said she wanted to see him go down for a change!

-= sex riddles =-=   61 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.

-= sex riddles =-=   62 =-------------------------------------------------------

What should a woman say as she guides her lover's tongue toward her clitoris?
This bud's for you!

-= sex riddles =-=   63 =-------------------------------------------------------

Did you know that 60% of all women are battered?
And I've been eating plain all this time!

Did you hear about the Tempura House?
It's for lightly battered women.

-= sex riddles =-=   64 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a one night stand and a toilet?
The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.

-= sex riddles =-=   65 =-------------------------------------------------------

What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
Come in eight flavors.

-= sex riddles =-=   66 =-------------------------------------------------------

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
She gets her ass chewed out.

-= sex riddles =-=   67 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

-= sex riddles =-=   68 =-------------------------------------------------------

Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?
The woman, of course.  Look at it this way.  When your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it and wiggle it around, what feels better - your finger
or your ear?

-= sex riddles =-=   69 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the similarity between cunnilingus and the Mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.

-= sex riddles =-=   70 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A chin rest.

-= sex riddles =-=   71 =-------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.

-= sex riddles =-=   72 =-------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the male birth control pill?
It's about the size of a marble, you put it in your shoe, and it makes you limp.

-= sex riddles =-=   73 =-------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new cereal for impotent men?
It's called "Nut 'n' Raisin Honey".

-= sex riddles =-=   74 =-------------------------------------------------------

How long does it take for an English woman to have a shit?
Nine months.

-= sex riddles =-=   75 =-------------------------------------------------------

If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you grin, what makes you pregnant?
Two highballs and a squirt.

-= sex riddles =-=   76 =-------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if your daughter had a good time on her date last night?
Throw her panties against the wall.  If they stick, she had a good time.

-= sex riddles =-=   77 =-------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Intercourse, you go between periods and you are expected to come.

-= sex riddles =-=   78 =-------------------------------------------------------

Did you know there are four different types of orgasms?  They are:
The positive orgasm:  "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!"
The negative orgasm:  "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!"
The spiritual orgasm:  "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!"
The fake orgasm:  "Oh Steve, Ohh Steeeve, OH STEEEEEEEEVE!"

-= sex riddles =-=   79 =-------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her six male friends?
She came home with a red snapper.

-= sex riddles =-=   80 =-------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the horny seminary school dropout?
He was looking for a missionary position.

-= sex riddles =-=   81 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is Rodeo Sex?

Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from
the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This is the way your
sister likes it too."

You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

-= sex riddles =-=   82 =-------------------------------------------------------

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and is full of seamen?
A submarine.

-= sex riddles =-=   83 =-------------------------------------------------------

What goes in long, hard, and stiff, and comes out soft, sticky, and wet?
Chewing gum.

-= sex riddles =-=   84 =-------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that men are so smart and women talk so much?
Because men have two heads and women have four lips.

-= sex riddles =-=   85 =-------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the transexual college student?
He spent his junior year abroad.

-= sex riddles =-=   86 =-------------------------------------------------------

Why are brussel sprouts like pubic hair?
You just push them aside and carry on eating.

-= sex riddles =-=   87 =-------------------------------------------------------

Why is sex like air?
It's no big thing, unless you aren't getting any.

-= sex riddles =-=   88 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job?
The view.

-= sex riddles =-=   89 =-------------------------------------------------------

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.

-= sex riddles =-=   90 =-------------------------------------------------------

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.

-= sex riddles =-=   91 =-------------------------------------------------------

What does a man think foreplay is?
a) It's something that you do on the golf course.
b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.

-= sex riddles =-=   92 =-------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink.

-= sex riddles =-=   93 =-------------------------------------------------------

How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
A real man doesn't care.

-= sex riddles =-=   94 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

-= sex riddles =-=   95 =-------------------------------------------------------

Is it possible to contract AIDS from the toilet seat?
Yes, if the guy before you is still sitting there!

-= sex riddles =-=   96 =-------------------------------------------------------

Why did Little Timmy put toothpaste on his penis?
He didn't want to get a cavity like his sister.

-= sex riddles =-=   97 =-------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a gay milkman?
A Dairy Queen.

-= sex riddles =-=   98 =-------------------------------------------------------

What is the most sensitive part of your body while you are masturbating?
Your ears.


================================================================================
== SEX QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ===================================================
-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=    1 =-----------------------------------------

Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex

"Don't worry.  I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
"I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
"I'm not really married."
"It's only a cold sore."
"Looks aren't important to me.  I like you for your personality."
"Size isn't important."
"This won't hurt, I promise."
"We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
"We'll always be together."
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
All the good ones are taken.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
Do it only with the best.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space
   program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law)
If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get
   married.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
It is always the wrong time of month.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
   trouble in the garden.
Love comes in spurts.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Never say no.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Nice guys finish last.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll
   never be quite the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nothing improves with age.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone
   else.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Sex has no calories.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
   convey its full meaning.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
Sex is hereditary.  If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how
   long it is going to last.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
   unimportant.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much
   you love them.
The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail
   long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her
   with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she
   can't stand years later.
The younger the better.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.  But
   there is nothing exactly like it.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Virginity can be cured.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him,
   and vice versa...
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body
   temperature.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=    2 =-----------------------------------------

A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=    3 =-----------------------------------------

Anal intercourse is for assholes.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=    4 =-----------------------------------------

As Benny Hill once said: "Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of birth
control has already been born?"

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=    5 =-----------------------------------------

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=    6 =-----------------------------------------

Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=    7 =-----------------------------------------

Found written on a restroom wall once:
Life sucks, but then again so does you girlfriend!

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=    8 =-----------------------------------------

Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=    9 =-----------------------------------------

I'm such a lousy lover...  One day, I caught a peeping tom booing me!

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   10 =-----------------------------------------

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   11 =-----------------------------------------

Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman.  Once inner...beauty!

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   12 =-----------------------------------------

When you're feeling so low that you have to reach up to touch bottom, whose
bottom you touch can make a big difference.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   13 =-----------------------------------------

Sex is like a bridge game; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a
   good hand.
Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand, no partner is needed.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   14 =-----------------------------------------

Definition of an orgasm: gland finale.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   15 =-----------------------------------------

Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   16 =-----------------------------------------

The male drive to inseminate as many young and attractive women as possible
before he passes out from skipping lunch is responsible for the rapid spread of
our species and its survival.  - from Tim Allen's October Playboy 1994 article

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   16 =-----------------------------------------

If God had preferred us to have laughter rather than sex, do you think he would
have put two Jews in the Garden Of Eden?  No!  He would have had two Jews
walking into a bar.  - Andrew Denton

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   17 =-----------------------------------------

If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a
taco.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   18 =-----------------------------------------

If God had not meant man to have sex with a goat, why put the horns in such a
handy position?  - Smith and Jones

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   19 =-----------------------------------------

I was snatched in the prime of youth by someone who was primed in the snatch
of youth!

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   20 =-----------------------------------------

Once heard from a rather liberal female acquaintance:
Penises are like fish: the little ones, you throw back; the big ones, you mount!

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   21 =-----------------------------------------

One nice thing about masturbation is that you don't have to look your best.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   22 =-----------------------------------------

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup; the best part is
remembering the name of the person sleeping next to you.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   23 =-----------------------------------------

The difference between a sex maniac and a regular maniac is that a regular
maniac slits your throat.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   24 =-----------------------------------------

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   25 =-----------------------------------------

The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this Earth.   - Diana Rigg

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   26 =-----------------------------------------

There is nothing wrong with sex on television, as long as you don't fall off.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   27 =-----------------------------------------

This beautiful woman says, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."  I figure
what the heck, so I show her mine.  Then she shows me hers.  Hers is bigger.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   28 =-----------------------------------------

Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called
"Headmaster?"

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   29 =-----------------------------------------

You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute...

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   30 =-----------------------------------------

The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   31 =-----------------------------------------

Virginity: a curable congenital defect.

-= sex quotes and one-liners =-=   32 =-----------------------------------------

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are
crockpots.


================================================================================
== SEX HUMOR ===================================================================
-= sex humor =-=    1 =---------------------------------------------------------

sex(1)                           User Commands                           sex(1)

Name
     sex - have sex

Synopsis
     sex [ options ] usercode [ usercode ... ]

Defaults
     If no usernames are specified, names are taken from the LOVERS environment
     variable.

Options
     Options to make things more interesting are as follows:

-1  wiggle
-a  external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b  buggery
-B  <animal>  bestiality with <animal>
-c  chocolate sauce option
-C  chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d  <file>  get a date with the features described in <file>
-e  exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f  foreplay option
-F  nasal sex with plants
-i  coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j  jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l  leather option
-L  Lick option
-m  masochism (see -s)
-M  triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n  necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it)
-N  Nipple option
-o  oral option
-O  parallel access (flower-picking party)
-p  debug option (proposition only)
-P  pedophilia (must specify a child process)
-q  quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s  sadism (target must set -m)
-S  sundae option
-v  voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-v1 vaseline option
-V  Vibrator option
-w  whipped cream option
-W  whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
-x  extra (loop routine - cumming back for more)
-y  yogurt option

Errors
     'Missing External'      = "Where did I put the vibrator"
     'Mismatch error'        = One component is non-standard
     'Next without For'      = Next process has been started without foreplay.
     'Syntax Error'          = Error in chat up line
     'I/O Error'             = Input-Output is too slow.
     'Unknown Procedure'     = The process is non-standard but fun.
     'No Such Line'          = Chat up line has gone down
     'Out of Memory'         = You had too much to drink last night.
     'Illegal Input'         = 3 fingers are quite enough
     'Undefined Variable'    = Decide how much you are going to pay.
     'Identifier not Used'   = Don't give her your name.
     'Do without Loop'       = At least do it twice
     'Inserted ; '           = Only with users permission bit set.
     'Insufficient data'     = "Oh yeah, I've taken precautions"
     'Your party is not
      responding'            = Unsuccessful strip-poker request call
     'Access Denied'         = Chastity bit set.
     'Unknown Host Name'     = "Whose party is it?"
     'Output Only'           = don't try anal sex
     'Can't Access Floppy'   = "Where the hell is it!"
     'Server Not Responding' = Either too much drink or impotent.
     'Too many Arguments'    = Don't try talking to partner.
     'Peripheral in Use'     = Remove chewing-gum before administering blowjob
     'Bad Baud Rate'         = Use your imagination or she'll get bored.
     'Copy is Unreadable'    = Porno-mags are not for reading
     'Already Open'          = Just undo the button and off they come.
     'Process Timed Out'     = Premature ejaculation has occurred
     'Out of Range'          = Her husband is in London
     'Unmatched ('           = Boobs are of different sizes.
     'Permission Denied'     = I told you not to try anal sex
     'No repeat'             = Not tonight darling, I'm too tired.
     'Source is Protected'   = Very sensible, always keep one with you.
     'Invalid Entry'         = Don't take advantage of disabled people.
     'CPU down'              = Had to happen sooner or later.
     'Connection closed by
      foreign host'          = Husband arrival
     'Illegal Direct'        = "hi babe, wanna fuck" is not implemented.
     'Can't Read'            = People want intellectuals these days
     'Begin Without End'     = Not likely to occur
     'only 3 connections
      allowed'               = Stop being greedy!
     'bad track'             = told u not to do it to Des O'Connor!
     'write protected'       = its ok, she's had the op.
     'cannot open'           = her knees are surgically joined
     'file already open'     = she's a slut
     'no manual entry'       = switch to auto pilot
     'no such process'       = forget it, its impossible
     '65 bytes free'         = after this, bites cost 10p each.
     'no command'            = she knows what you want
     'your party has logged
      out'                   = you were too long at the chemists
     'RTFM error'            = see karma sutra
     'mistake'               = yup, thats her asshole!
     'no device specified'   = which vibrator do you want?
     'no such device'        = if device no. > 15"
     'Stopped'               = Doorbell activated
     'Stopped by operator'   = Phone rings
     'Interrupt'             = son arrives at location
     'dlog file exists'      = you logged out before ejaculation
     'missing end statement' = she had gone when you awoke.
     'missing bit'           = Jewish operator

Sex Pascal  v.69

Errors
     'Hex number too large'  = The last time I saw one that big it was hanging
                               under a donkey
     'Variable too big for
      memory'                = It's so big it's mind-blowing
     'BEGIN expected'        = She's got her clothes off and ready to go
     'Too many procedures'   = The foreplay's gone on long enough
     'DO expected'           = "Come on, do it to me!"
     'Label not declared'    = What brand of condoms have you got?
     'END expected'          = "Please stop, I've had enough!"
     'Too many digits'       = You can't put your whole hand up
     'Premature end of file' = It went limp before the climax
     'Too many devices'      = Which vibrator shall I choose from?
     'Variant device'        = I'll choose this one - it's got thrusting action
     'Tag type mismatch'     = The condom's too big
     'Real device expected'  = I don't want a vibrator - I need the real thing
     'Can't read this type'  = I've lost my glasses and cannot read the small
                               writing on this sex manual
     'Too many dimensions    = I'm having problems translating page 47
      for translator'          of the kama sutra into Serbo Croat
     'Digit expected'        = Get your magic fingers working on my erogenous
                               zones
     'ID table overflow'     = I told you not to do it on the table where it
                               would overflow onto the carpet
     'Too many nested        = There's so many Des O'Connor records on
      records'                 that shelf that it's put me off the job

Fatal Error
      'Premature termination  = she had an epileptic fit while giving blowjob
       of parameter'

Demonstration Program

Program Sex (input,output,input,output,input,output,input,output);

var
   condom,up,down : boolean;

Procedure up_and_down;
begin
 if up=true then
  down
 else
  up
end;

begin
 repeat
  read(condom);
 until (condom=true)
 repeat
  up_and_down;
 until climax
end.

If you are a bit kinky, then the following procedure may be implemented :-

Procedure foreplay;
begin
 read(choice);
 case choice of
  1 : Strawberry Yogurt;
  2 : Baked Beans;
  3 : Ice Cream;
  4 : Vaseline;
 endcase
end.

-= sex humor =-=    2 =---------------------------------------------------------

Sex(6)                    Eunuch Programmer's Manual                     Sex(6)

Name
     sex - have sex

Synopsis
     sex [ options ] ...  [ username ] ...

Description
     sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) specified in the
     command line.  If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS
     environment variable.  Options to make things more interesting are as
     follows:

     -1   masturbate
     -a   external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
     -b   buggery
     -B<animal>
          bestiality with <animal>
     -c   chocolate sauce option
     -C   chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
     -d<file>
          get a date with the features described in <file>
     -e   exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
     -f   foreplay option
     -F   nasal sex with plants
     -i   coitus interruptus (messy!)
     -j   jacuzzi option (California sites only)
     -l   leather option
     -m   masochism (see -s)
     -M   triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
     -n   necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it)
     -o   oral option
     -O   parallel access (orgy)
     -p   debug option (proposition only)
     -P   pedophilia (must specify a child process)

Sex(6)                    Eunuch Programmer's Manual                     Sex(6)

     -q   quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
     -s   sadism (target must set -m)
     -S   sundae option
     -v   voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
     -w   whipped cream option
     -W   whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)

Environment

Lovers
     is a list of default partners which will be used if none are specified in
     the command line.  If any are specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.

Files
     /usr/lib/sex/animals          animals for bestiality
     /usr/lib/sex/blackbook        possible dates
     /usr/lib/sex/sundaes          sundae recipes
     /usr/lib/sex/s&m              sado-masochistic equipment

Bugs
     ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
     ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.

History
     Oldest program ever.

-= sex humor =-=    3 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A couple went to mass and took confession.  The husband went into the
confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
   The father asked him the nature of this, to which he replied, "While my wife
was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her."
   The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin
and forgiveness was not needed.  Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty.
The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way.
   Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning
over the freezer her husband had had his way with her.  The priest asked her how
long she had been married.  She replied it was three years now.  The priest
tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex
and that there was nothing to be guilty about.  Still, the woman insisted that
she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no
more about it.
   As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband
would be banned from the church.  "Banned from the church?!  Whatever gave you
that idea?' the priest queried.  "Well," she said, "they banned us from the
supermarket!"

-= sex humor =-=    4 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The couple visited a sex clinic to complain that their sex life had become a
bore.
   Each night, the man would arrive home.  His wife would prepare supper.  After
supper, they'd watch two hours of television. Immediately afterwards, they would
go to bed.  From that point on, every move was routine.
   "No wonder," the sex therapist said. "You've mad sex monotonous.  Stop living
on a schedule. Get into sex whenever you feel like it.  Don't wait until bedtime
each night to do it.  Do it whenever you get into the mood."
   The couple agreed to try the advice.  They returned the following week.
   "How did things work out?" the sex therapist asked.
   The man and his wife were beaming.  "It worked!  It worked great!!!"
   "Tell me about it," said the therapist.
   "Well, two nights after we saw you last, we were eating supper when I noticed
that although it was only seven o'clock, I had this huge erection that was
unstoppable.  Sweetie pie here was staring at it with longing eyes.  So I didn't
wait for any shower or any news broadcast.  Instead, I reached out, ripped off
her blouse and bra.  Then I tore off her panties.  I flung her right onto the
table, spilling all the wine and soup in the process.  Then I unzipped my fly
and pulled out my cock and we began to screw.  Man, we fucked and fucked like we
never fucked before!!"
   "That's wonderful!!" said the sex therapist.  "I told you it would work if
you did it when the spirit moved you!"
   "Only one thing," said the man a little sadly. "They're not ever going to let
us come back to the restaurant at The Ritz Hotel any longer."

-= sex humor =-=    5 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.  The wife turns over and says, "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh."
   The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.  A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
   This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?."

-= sex humor =-=    6 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more
effective body language.
   "Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast.
When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
   "Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
   "Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once.  When
you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."

-= sex humor =-=    7 =---------------------------------------------------------

   These three women were sitting around one night talking about there
boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on types
of soda.
   The first woman said, "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as
strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
   The second woman said, "I'm gonna call Bruce  "7-Up" because he has seven
inches and it is always up!"
   The third woman said, "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
   The other two women responded,  "Jack Daniels?  But that's a hard liquor."
   The third woman replied, "That's my Leroy!"

-= sex humor =-=    8 =---------------------------------------------------------

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  As he
passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.  He watches for a
moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she
gets mad at me for sucking my thumb."

-= sex humor =-=    9 =---------------------------------------------------------

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman.  The next day
someone asked him how things had gone.  "She uses too many four-letter words for
me," was the reply.  "Really?"  "Yes," answered the playboy.  "All evening long
she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

-= sex humor =-=   10 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him.  After some
preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally
got organized for a leg over.  After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
   "Your organ," she replied.  "It's a bit on the small side."
   Hurt, he replied, "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

-= sex humor =-=   11 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been
afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
   Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
   "No thanks," the girl says.  "You know I don't smoke."

-= sex humor =-=   12 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date.  The guy leans over
and gives the girl a long, slow kiss.  While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips
his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.
   When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells
back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for
you, Drop Dead!!"
   "And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

-= sex humor =-=   13 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy runs into this girl at a bar.  After a few drinks and a little dancing,
they decide that they're going to end up spending the night together.  In the
car on the way back to his house, she looks at him guiltily and says, "I have a
confession to make.  This bra that I'm wearing," she continues, "well, its
padded."
   He quickly responds, "that's okay, it doesn't matter."
   "Its *really* padded," she adds.  "I'm flat as a baby," she explains,
"there's, like, nothing there."
   "I guess thats okay," he follows, "I have a confession to make as well."
After a moment, he continues, "I'm, sorta, well, hung like a baby."
   She ponders a moment and agrees that it really doesn't matter, and that
they're both going to have fun anyway.
   When they arrive at his house, they go into the bedroom and begin undressing.
Sure enough, she removes her bra and she's so flat that you can see her ribs.
He smiles at her, takes his pants off, and his damn member hits the floor!
   "What!" she exclaims, "I thought that you said you were hung like a baby!"
   "I am," he replied, "8 pounds, 24 inches!"

-= sex humor =-=   14 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Three women were having a drink on the patio of their country club when the
door to the mens locker room blew open, exposing a man wearing nothing but a
towel over his head.
   "Well, it's not my husband," said the first woman after looking.
   "He isn't mine, either," said the second.
   After a long look, the third woman said, "Why, he isn't even a member!"

-= sex humor =-=   15 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Some smart looking businessman dude was sitting in a bar drinking a beer one
night when a gorgeous well stacked blonde walked in.
   She says, "For $250, I'll do anything you want, only you have to describe it
in three words or less."
   He thinks about this a minute or so, pulls out $250, and says "Paint my
house."

-= sex humor =-=   16 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up
whose father.  One boy said, "My father is better than your father."
   The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."
   The first boy paused, "I guess you're right.  My father says the same thing."

-= sex humor =-=   17 =---------------------------------------------------------

A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball.  "I see
you are the father of two children," she said.  "That's what you think," the man
replied.  "I'm the father of three children." The fortuneteller smiled and said,
"That's what *you* think."

-= sex humor =-=   18 =---------------------------------------------------------

   For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon
trip.  They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still
there.  A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when
they arrive.  The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see
what they do; we can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"
   Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged
in foreplay.  They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with
their legs spread.  The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them
between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around
his erect member.  After a few minutes of this they rush together and make
tumultuous love.
   The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his
eagerly waiting wife.  He describes the game, his wife getting more and more
inflamed herself.  "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says: "Run right
out for some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"

-= sex humor =-=   19 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A 70-year-old man has never been married.  One day, he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.  They get married and go to
Florida for their honeymoon.  When they get back, his friend says to him, "So,
tell me, how was it?"
   "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man.  "The sun, the surf, we made love
almost every night, we -"
   His friend interrupts him.  "A man your age!  How did you make love almost
every night?"
   "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love
Tuesday..."

-= sex humor =-=   20 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18.  The morning after the wedding
night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.
   "What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.
   "Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and
I thought he meant his _money_."

-= sex humor =-=   21 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A 75-year-old man went to his favorite bar and met a woman with whom he hit
if off real well.  They went to her place and had sex.  The old man tried and
tried, but he could not achieve orgasm.
   A few days later, he noticed a drip at the end of his penis, so he went to
see the doctor about this oddity.  The doctor asked him if he had sex recently
to which the old man said that he had.
   "Do you remember who the woman was and where she lived?" the doctor asked.
   "Sure do," replied the old man.
   "Then you better get over there right away," said the doctor.  "You're about
to come."

-= sex humor =-=   22 =---------------------------------------------------------

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18.  When they got into bed the night
after the wedding, he held up three fingers.  "Oh honey," said the young nymph,
"Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"  "No," said the old man, "It
means you can take your pick."

-= sex humor =-=   23 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A newly married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the the
upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.
   The first night, the father of the groom was awakened from sleep by his wife
nudging him by hitting his stomach with her elbow.  "Roger, listen!" she
whispered.
   He listened.  Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.
   The wife said, "Come on, Roger!!"  So Roger rolled on top of her and screwed
her.
   He was trying to fall back to sleep when, fifteen minutes later, the same
sounds were heard.  The wife nudged him again and said, "Roger!  Listen to them!
Come on, Roger!"
   Once again, Roger got on top of her and made love to her.
   A short time later, the bedsprings upstairs began to squeak again.  And again
the wife nudged her husband.  "Roger, listen!"  At this, Roger leaped from the
bed, grabbed a broom, and banged the handle against the ceiling as he shouted,
"Hey, kids, cut it out!!  You're killing your old man!"

-= sex humor =-=   24 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for
the doctor, the nurse went, "Aaaaaahhh!!!"

-= sex humor =-=   25 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell.  So he
sees this cute nurse and says, "How about a quickie for twenty bucks?"
   She agrees and gets on top of him.  They go at it for about ten minutes.
After the act, the old man says, "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would
have paid you a hundred bucks."
   In reply, the nurse says, "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would
have taken off my pantyhose."

-= sex humor =-=   26 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an
old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the
old man required.
   "Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day
finally came.
   "Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know its the best thing
for you.  I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give
me a call."
   So the son left, and the old man was put to bed.  He immediately grabbed the
phone and called his son.  "You've got to come get me.  This is a terrible
place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!"
   "Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago.  How can you tell in only 30
minutes what the place is like?  Stay there a few more days, and if it's really
that bad, we'll have to work something out."
   So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep.  The next
morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath.  Much
to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the
nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.
   As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son.  "Son, this is one
great place you've found for me!  The food's great, the company is excellent,
and I've never been happier!"
   "That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd
given it a chance."
   Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room
when he tripped and fell.  Another resident of the home came over to the old
man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.
   When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and
called his child, "Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place!  Right
Now!"
   "But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now,
I've got to run over there and get you?"
   "Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall
down two or three times a day!"

-= sex humor =-=   27 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.  He
opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that
as proof.
   He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has
happened.
   She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you
can get disability!"

-= sex humor =-=   28 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about
seventeen ransacking the place.  He grabbed her by the arm and was just about
to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please
don't call the police, mister, oh please!!  If you don't, I'll let you make
love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"
   The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in.  Soon they were
naked and in bed together.  The old man tried hard and tried hard, but he
couldn't get up an erection.  Finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and
embarrassed.
   "I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped.  "I'm afraid...I'm
going to have to...call the police...after all."

-= sex humor =-=   29 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An old man goes to the local brothel and says to the madam, "I'd like one of
your best girls, please."
   The madam looks him over and says, "You must be at least 70 or 80 years old,
mister."
   "Close, I'm 87," he replied proudly.
   "Well, grandpa," she said, looking at his frail body, "I think you've had
it!"
   The old geezer looked confused for a minute and then said, "I have?  ...How
much do I owe ya?"

-= sex humor =-=   30 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded
to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their
wedding night.  The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got
undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.  When
he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch
erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
   Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
   The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the
sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

-= sex humor =-=   31 =---------------------------------------------------------

From the Dick Purtan radio show:

A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the
previous evenings' events.  The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!"  The man
replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

-= sex humor =-=   32 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The bridgegroom carried his bride over the threshold and into the honeymoon
suite.  They had taken off all their clothes when, suddenly, the sweet young
girl began to tremble.
   "What's the matter, honey?" he asked in a concerned voice.
   She was now shivering all over.  "I've got an attack of St. Vitus Dance,"
she said.
   The groom thought about it for a minute, then picked up the hotel phone and
called the bell captain for help.
   Four bellboys came rushing into the room.
   "Quick!  You grab her arms," the young man shouted to two of them.  To the
other two, he directed, "Grab her legs and hold her tight!"
   He leaped into the bed on top of her, inserted his member into her, and then
shouted to the straining bellboys, "Okay, fellas, let her go now!!!"

-= sex humor =-=   33 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
   "Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked.
   "Shhhh!" said the bride, "All the neighbours will know what we're about to
do.  These walls are paper thin.  In the future, we'll have to ask each other in
code.  For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door
open' instead?
   So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the
washing machine door open, did you?"
   "No, I definitely shut it" replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
   When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she
nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open
after all.  Would you like to do some washing?"
   "No thanks" said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

-= sex humor =-=   34 =---------------------------------------------------------

   And then how about the aged couple (mid to late 60"s) that decide to get
married after losing their respective spouses to death, and then move to
Florida.
   As they are are talking through the sharing of household expenses and other
miscellaneous things, (they're both relatively well off with each one having
retirement income), Jane asks Harold what they should do about their own houses.
   "Well, we ought to each sell our homes and then we can each put half the
purchase price into our new home."
   Harold then asks Jane what she'd like to do about the grocery bills and she
says, "Neither one of us eats very much, so maybe we ought to split that bill on
a monthly basis." to which she agrees.
   Then what about the utility bill?  Same sharing response.
   Then Jane asks Harold what he wants to do about the sex thing, and he
replies, "Oh, infrequently" and she says, "Harold, was that one or two words?"

-= sex humor =-=   35 =---------------------------------------------------------

Originally told by Bob Hope, although it probably was written by one of his
writing staff.

"Getting older is FUN.  I love it...life is BETTER.  EVERYTHING is better.  Even
sex.  Yeah, that's right, even sex is better....ESPECIALLY the one in the Fall."

-= sex humor =-=   36 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive
lowered."
   The doctor, incredulous, says, "What??  You want your sex drive _lowered_??"
   To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"

-= sex humor =-=   37 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An old woman in a nursing home says to her male contemporary, "If you take me
to the movie tonight, I'll hold your pecker!"
   The old man replies, "Sorry, I'm going to the movie with Mabel and she's
going to hold my pecker."
   The old woman asks, "What's Mabel got that I haven't got?
   To which the old man replies, "Parkinson's Disease!"

-= sex humor =-=   38 =---------------------------------------------------------

A guy gives his 85-year-old father a surprise visit from a call girl.  She says,
"Hi, I'm here to give you some super sex."  He replies, "Umm, thanks, I'll take
the soup."

-= sex humor =-=   39 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This young stud was at his favorite singles bar one night, looking over the
current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar, an
absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so.  He was used to scoring with
much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.
   He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was VERY
receptive!!  So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild thing, and
as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded with a
mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.
   "Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"
   "Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!"

-= sex humor =-=   40 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold apartment when the
husband said, "Doris, we are in bad shape.  Inflation has completely eaten up
our Social Security check.  The next one isn't due for a week and we've got no
money left for food."
   "Well, just what can we do??" she asked.
   "Well, gosh," he said. "I just hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
You're going to have to go out and hustle."
   "Me??" she said.  "At my ripe old age of seventy-five?"
   "Yes, it's the only way," he answered.  "I can't do anything myself, why with
my debilitating arthritis and everything."
   Resigned to the situation, the wife hobbled out with her walking cane into
the warm night.
   She came staggering in the next morning.
   "How did you do?" asked the husband.
   "Here," she said.  "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
   "Four dollars and ten cents?" he said.  "Heck, who gave you ten cents to have
sex with him?!?"
   "Everybody," she replied.

-= sex humor =-=   41 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An 83-year-old man married a vivacious 19-year-old college coed.  He was
quite content, but after a few weeks, she told him that she was going to leave
him if she didn't get some satisfying sex real soon.
   So the man went to a sex therapist who then gave him a very high-priced shot
of spermatozoa extracted from the rare Siberian road runner; the treatment cost
him $60,000.  "Now look," said the doctor.  "The only way you're going to get it
hard is to say 'beep', and then to get it soft again, you say 'beep beep'."
   "How marvelous!" the old man said.
   "Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said, "it will only work three times
in your life and then the spermatozoa tire out and die.  And we don't have any
more of this spermatozoa extract.  The Siberian road runner has been extinct for
over a decade now."
   On his way home, the old man decided that he wasn't going to live through
three bouts of sex anyway, so he decided to waste one of the beeps to try it
out.
   "Beep!" he said.
   Immediately, his penis got hard and turned itself into a huge erection.
   Satisfied that it works, he then said "Beep!  Beep!" and his penis got soft
again.  The old man chuckled with delight and anticipation.
   Having lost his attention to driving momentarily and veering into another
lane, a car next to him went "Beep!" and the car behind him also responded with
"Beep!  Beep!"
   Realizing that this noise used up his second erection, the man raced home and
ran into the house as fast as he could for his last great fuck.  "Honey!" he
shouted at his young wife.  "Don't ask any questions.  Just drop your clothes
and hop into bed."
   The old man nervously undressed and hollered "Beep!" which instantly gave him
a large ten-inch erection.
   Caught up in his excitement, she stripped off all her clothes and jumped on
the bed smiling with delight as she eyed his swollen member.  Then just as he
was mounting her and starting to put it in the tender young wife, she said,
"Alright!  Now we're really smokin'!!!  But what's all this 'beep beep' shit?"

-= sex humor =-=   42 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A priest is sitting in his confessional and hears an old man's voice on the
other side of the screen.  The old man says, "Father, I'm eighty-one years old,
I've been married to the same woman for fifty-four years, and have always been
faithful.  But yesterday, I made wild, passionate love with a pair of lovely
eighteen-year-old twin sisters."
   The priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"
   The old man replies, "Never...I'm Jewish."
   The priest is puzzled.  "Then why did you come here today to tell me this?"
   The old man says, "Oh...heck...I'm telling everybody!!!"

-= sex humor =-=   43 =---------------------------------------------------------

One elderly man is overheard talking to another, "When I was younger, I couldn't
bend my penis when it was hard, not even with both hands.  Now I can easily bend
it with one.  I think I'm getting stronger!"

-= sex humor =-=   44 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two really old guys were sitting on a park bench warming themselves in the
summer sun.  A very shapely young lady walks past them.  One of them turns to
the other and says, "Say, do you remember how we used to chase after such young
women?"
   The other guy thinks for several minutes and then says, "Yes, I can remember
chasing them, but I don't remember why."

-= sex humor =-=   45 =---------------------------------------------------------

A perfect lover is a guy with a nine inch tongue who can breathe through his
ears.

-= sex humor =-=   46 =---------------------------------------------------------

It's not the length.
It's not the size.
It's how many times he can make it rise.

-= sex humor =-=   47 =---------------------------------------------------------

There are three sizes of men:
Small, medium, and OH MY GOD!!!!

-= sex humor =-=   48 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing
by came over to him.
   "What's the matter, little boy?" he asked.  "Why are you crying?"
   The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do."
   The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.

-= sex humor =-=   49 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to
a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises.  He gave the wife a list of
them to do each day.
   Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went
to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises.  She got
undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.
   About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the
bed and said, "For god's sake, Maevis, put your teeth back in.  You look just
like your mother!"

-= sex humor =-=   50 =---------------------------------------------------------

A horny man was walking past a graveyard when, all of the sudden, he notices a
guy and girl doing it amongst the tombstones.  Being desperate, he says, "Hey,
can I give her a try?"  The other guy replies, "Go dig up your own..."

-= sex humor =-=   51 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two guys were cruising downtown, hoping to improve their sex life.  As they
passed the mortuary, one elbows the other and says, "How 'bout stopping in for a
cold one?"

-= sex humor =-=   52 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy went to his doctor full of anger.  "Doc," he said, "I feel like
killing my wife.  You've got to help me.  Please tell me what I should do."
   The doctor thought for a moment.  "Look," he said, "here are some pills.
Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day.
If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death.  And the
autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."
   "Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient.  "I'll start with this right
away."
   He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.
   Nearly a month passed.  One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor
passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely
managing to move forward.
   "What happened?" asked the doctor.  "What happened to your wife?"
   "Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be
dead."

-= sex humor =-=   53 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A dear old lady was staying in a hotel in a small country town and could not
get to sleep because of the noise emanating from a party on the ground floor.
At first, she bore it stoically.  But at about 2 A.M., when the screams and
screeches were louder than ever, she phoned the front desk to ask what was going
on.
   "Oh, they're holding a Policemen's Ball" replied the clerk.
   "Well," said the old lady, "isn't it about time they let go?"

-= sex humor =-=   54 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A midget goes to a whorehouse.  None of the girls really want to go to bed
with him, so they finally draw lots and Mishell was the unlucky one who had to
go upstairs to the bedroom with the midget.
   A minute later, there was a loud scream.  The madam and all the girls charged
up the stairs and into the midget's bedroom.  Mishell laid on the floor in a
fainted swoon.  Standing next to the bed was the midget, naked, with a three
foot erect cock hanging down and almost touching the floor.
   The girls were baffled and awestruck by the sight.  One of them finally
regained her composure and asked him, "Say, would you mind if we felt that big
piece you're carrying?  We've never seen anything like that before."
   "Okay, honey," sighed the midget, "But touch ONLY.  Absolutely no sucking.  I
used to be six feet tall."

-= sex humor =-=   55 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The man had heard that there was a whorehouse with an unusual reputation for
the bizarre.  So he visited the place and, once inside, asked the madam if she
had anything unusual for him to try.
   "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I do have one number you
might enjoy."  She then described a special imported hen that had been trained
to give blow jobs.
   "We've got her here, but only for the day."
   The man could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went into a room
where the hen was waiting.  After a frustrating hour of trying to force his cock
into the hen's mouth and another hour of desperately trying to enter the hen
from the rear, he figured that he was dealing with nothing but a plain old
chicken.  He left disgruntled.
   The man decided to return the next day to see if any new diversions were
being offered at the whorehouse.
   The madam said, "Come this way."  And she led him to a dark room where a
group of men were looking through a one-way mirror.  The man saw that they were
watching a girl trying to make it with a dog.
   "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him.  "This is really great!"
   The other man replied, "Man, this ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
yesterday and seen the guy with the chicken."

-= sex humor =-=   56 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A young guy goes to a whorehouse.  He knocks on the door and a sultry voice
asks what he wants.
   "I want to get screwed," he says.
   "Slip fifty bucks under the door," the voice says.
   The guy does, waits, and nothing happens.  He pounds on the door.  "Hey,
hello in there!" he shouts louder, "I want to get screwed!"
   "What?" says the voice.  "Again?!?"

-= sex humor =-=   57 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man walks into a whorehouse and hands the madam a roll of bills, telling
her, "Give me the worst you've got."
   "Sir," the madam replied, "For this much, you can have the very best!"
   "Lady," said the man, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

-= sex humor =-=   58 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This guy goes into a whorehouse and asks for something special.  The madam
tells to go to the first room and Hurricane Hessie will be right with him.  So
he's on the bed, ready, willing and able, when the door bursts open with a rush
of air and a huge women rumbles into the room.
   "What was that?!" he screams into the wind.
   "That's the tropical wind in the tropical storm" she answers.  Next, she gets
on top and proceeds to beat is head with her huge boobs.
   "What are you doing?!" he yells.
   "Those are the tropical coconuts falling off the tropical trees in the
tropical storm." she replies.  Then she stands over him, lifts a leg, and pisses
all over the guy.
   "Why the hell did you do that?!?!" he screams.
   "That's the tropical rain from the tropical storm" she replies.  Now the man
gets up and starts to put his clothes on.
   "Why are you leaving?" Hurricane Hessie asks.
   To which he says, "Who can fuck in weather like this?"

-= sex humor =-=   59 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A college student picked up his date at her parents' house.  He'd saved every
cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
   To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.  Caviar
appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works.  Finally, he asked her, "Does your
mother feed you like this at home?"
   "No," she replied, "but then, my mom is not looking to get laid, either."

-= sex humor =-=   60 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.  As
the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he
cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking
straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the
coffin at the funeral.
   The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed ass.
   The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.
   During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to
see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was
no cause to be alarmed.
   Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead
man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

-= sex humor =-=   61 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.
   Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
   Mom:  Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.  One night,
they go into they're room...they kiss and hug and have sex.  (The daughter looks
puzzled.)  That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.  That's
how you get a baby, honey.
   Child:  Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room,
you had daddy's penis in your mouth.  What do you get when you do that?
   Mom:  Jewelry, dear.

-= sex humor =-=   62 =---------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?
Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?
Mother: A raven, dear.
Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?
Mother: A swallow!

-= sex humor =-=   63 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I
born?"
   "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent.  "The stork brought you to
us."
   "Ohh..." said the boy.  "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
   "Oh, the stork brought us too."
   "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
   "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting
to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
   Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with
confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write
due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for
three generations."

-= sex humor =-=   64 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday.  A
prostitute always sat outside and called out, "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while
wiggling your pinky).  Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinky at him.
"Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?"  She laughed at him.
   The next day, Johnny walked by and she did it again, (wiggle your pinky) "Hi
Little Johnny" to which Johnny replied, (put your fingers in your mouth to
spread apart your lips and stretch out your mouth)  "How you doing, lady!"

-= sex humor =-=   65 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.  On this particular day, the
teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
   One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven
first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
   The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand.  He
says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
   "Very good," said the teacher.  The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's
hand up.  "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this.  Little Johnny, which
part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
   Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."  The teacher asked
him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
   He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my
mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

-= sex humor =-=   66 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his
mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a
man!"
   Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.  One
day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.  When he peeked into her
bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.  Little Johnny ran into his room, took off
his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,
"Ohh, I need a bike!  I need a bike!"

-= sex humor =-=   67 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was teaching the
alphabet.  "Okay class, today I'm going to call out a letter.  You have to stand
up when I call on you, recite the letter and a word that begins with the
letter.  Ready?  The first letter is 'A'."
   Little Johnny, of course, instantly raises his hand eagerly.
   The teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call on Johnny.  He'll say 'asshole'
or 'asswipe' or something like that."  So she calls on little Susie.
   Susie stands up and says, "A.  Apple."
   "Very good Susie!  Okay class, the next letter is 'C'."
   Little Johnny again instantly raises his hand in earnest.
   Again, the teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call Johnny.  He'll
say 'cocksucker' or 'cunt' or 'crap' or something like that."  So she calls on
little Bart.
   Bart stands up and says, "C.  Cat."
   "Very good Bart!"
   Now the teacher starts thinking that if she doesn't come up with something
for Johnny to answer with, she'll go bonkers.  Hmmmmm, 'R' doesn't have anything
too nasty?  "Ok class, the next letter is 'R'."
   Little Johnny hesitates and then raises his hand high as he can.
   "Okay Johnny."
   Little Johnny stands up and says, "R.  Rats."
   "Very good Johnny!  Ok..."
   Johnny blurts out, "BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS LONG!!!!"

-= sex humor =-=   68 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.  All of the sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom.  He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
   The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation.  The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'  Please use the
word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
   Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had
bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

-= sex humor =-=   69 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny gets a dog for Christmas and the dog gets hit in the ass by a
car and dies.  For Show and Tell, Johnny brings the dog in to school and says to
the class, "This is my dog.  I got him for Christmas but he got hit in the ass
by a car."
   His teacher says, "Johnny, ass is a bad word you should say rectum."
   Johnny says, "Rectum, it fuckin killed him!"

-= sex humor =-=   70 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turns the corner and finds little
Johnny with a hammer smashing the daylights out of a bunch of ants.  The kid is
saying to himself, "I hate these fucking ants...I hate these fucking ants."
   The priest is taken back by the little boy's language and talks to him,
saying that God doesn't make junk.  "Tomorrow I will be coming by again and if
you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless, then I will
let you continue killing the ants."
   The next afternoon, the priest is out again for his walk and comes upon
little Johnny smashing ants again.  The priest reminds him of the agreement that
they made saying the boy agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could name
three things that God created that are worthless.
   Little Johnny looks up with a devilish smile and says, "I do know three
things that are totally worthless.  The first is a prick on a priest, the second
is tits on a nun, and the third are these fucking ants!"

-= sex humor =-=   71 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A third grade teacher told her class, "Children, we are going to begin to
study a little sex education.  Tonight, girls, your first assignment will be to
find out from your parents how to avoid getting pregnant.  For you boys, your
assignment will be to go home and find out what a penis is."
   So little Johnny goes home and asks his father, "Daddy, what is a penis?"
   The father pulls down his pants and points proudly saying, "Son, that is a
perfect penis."
   The next day, when Johnny gets to school, his best friend runs up to him on
the playground and says to Johnny, "I forgot to find out what a penis is! What's
a penis!"
   Johnny tells him, "Come on."  So they both go into the boys room and Johnny
pulls down his pants.  He points down and says, "There, if that was a little
smaller, it would be a perfect penis!"

-= sex humor =-=   72 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.  First,
she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a
beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
   "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
   She then called on little Michael.
   "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he
said.
   "Excellent, Michael!"
   Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
   "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

-= sex humor =-=   73 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that
on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers
correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
   On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the
beach?"  Needless to say, no one could answer.
   The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the
sky?" and again no one could answer.  Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the
next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
   So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black.
The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.  At the end of the day,
just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the
bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire
class starts laughing.
   The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
   Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on
Tuesday!"

-= sex humor =-=   74 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There's this classroom of nine-year-olds.  The teacher says, "Today, we're
going to talk about sentences.  Does anyone know how to make a proper sentence?"
Little Mary puts up her hand and says, "My favorite fruit is a peach."
   "Very good" says the teacher, "I see Mary knows how to construct a sentence."
   Little Johnny puts up his hand and the teacher says, "Okay Johnny, do you
have a sentence to share with the class?"
   Johnny says, "Yes, urinate -."
   The teacher interrupts and yells to Johnny, "Get down to the principal's
office!!!"
   Johnny goes down and tells the principal the whole story and says that he
didn't get a chance to finish.  So the principal sends Johnny back to the
teacher and tells the teacher to give him another chance.
   The teacher says, "Okay Johnny, go ahead and finish."
   Johnny then replies, "Your an eight, but you'd be a ten if you had bigger
tits!"

-= sex humor =-=   75 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing
in the backyard one morning.  Soon, some honeybees started swirling around,
annoying little Johnny.  He began stomping on them in his temper.  His father
caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said,
"That's it!  No honey for you for one month!"
   Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started
catching them and crushing them under his feet.  His father again caught him,
and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
   Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when
cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor.  She began stomping on
them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.  Johnny's mother looked up
to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.
   To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me
to?"

-= sex humor =-=   76 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two teenagers are sitting on a house porch after school one afternoon. Little
Johnny comes walking down the road in front of the house.  One of the kids leans
over to the other and says, "Do you see that guy?  We call him Little Johnny and
he is the greatest wheeler dealer in the whole school.  He can make a deal and
get a trade for almost anything."
   This first kid yells to Johnny and asks, "Hey little Johnny, whatcha
carrying around with you?"
   Little Johnny yells back, "I have a sack of buttercups and I am going to go
trade them for butter."
   The teen on the porch yells back, "That is silly! You cannot trade buttercups
for butter!"
   But one hour later, Johnny comes back down the road carrying a bucket full of
butter.  The two kids on the porch just shake their heads and mutter, "That
Johnny is the greatest trader of all."
   The next day, the two teenagers see Johnny walking down the road again.  One
of the kids yells to Johnny, "Little Johnny, what do you have in the sack
there?"
   Little Johnny yells back, "I have a sack of milkweed and I am going to trade
it for milk."
   The teen on the porch yells back, "That is silly!  You cannot trade milkweed
for milk!"
   But one hour later, Johnny comes back down the road carrying a bucket full of
milk.  The two kids on the porch just shake their heads and mutter, "That Johnny
is the greatest trader in all."
   The next day, the two teenagers see Johnny walking down the road again.  One
of the men yells to Johnny, "Little Johnny, what do you have in the sack now?"
   Little Johnny yells back, "I have a sack of pussy willows!"
   The two teens on the porch yell back, "Wait!  We are coming with you!!"

-= sex humor =-=   77 =---------------------------------------------------------

   So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that
the word of the day is 'contagious.'  She asks if anyone can use this word in a
sentence, and several people stick up their hands.
   "Carl," she says.
   Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're
contagious."
   "Very good," says the teacher.
   Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the
teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"
   Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the
class.  "Yes, Johnny?" she says.
   Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our
blonde neighbor painting her fence.  She had a tiny little model car paintbrush,
and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says
to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

-= sex humor =-=   78 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth
grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo.
But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
   Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex
education from the class.
   One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
   "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
   "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
   "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
   Finally, little Johnny raises his hand.  With much fear and trepidation, the
teacher calls on him.
   "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger.  He was surrounded
by hundreds and hundreds of Indians.  And they all attacked at one time.  And he
killed every one of them with his two guns."
   The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex
education, Johnny?"
   "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

-= sex humor =-=   79 =---------------------------------------------------------

   At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little
boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
   "Sure," little Johnny replied.  "They go out in back of the church yard."

-= sex humor =-=   80 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One day, the mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny
masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him that good little boys
save it until they are married.
   A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny.  "How
are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.
   Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"

-= sex humor =-=   81 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his
mother.  She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them
build the house.  Maybe you can learn some neat things."
   Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon.
"Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks.
   "I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies.
   Mom says, "That's great!  How do you do that?"
   "Well, first you get the son of bitch.  Then, you slap the piece of shit up
there but it's too fucking small.  So you shave a cunt hair of here and a cunt
hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."
   Johnny's mom is floored by his language.  "You go to your room and wait until
your father gets home!!"
   Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a
little trouble today."
   "All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."
   "Why don't you tell me," Dad asks.
   "Well, first you get the son of bitch.  Then you slap the piece of shit up
there but it's too fucking small.  So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt
hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."
   Dad screams, "That's it young man.  You go get a switch from the back yard."
   Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"

-= sex humor =-=   82 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny is bored on day, hanging around the house.  He goes into his
parents room and finds them having sex.
   "What are you doing?" Johnny asks.
   "Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother.
   "What's daddy doing?"
   "He's my partner, now run along."
   A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having
sex with her boyfriend.
   "What are you doing?"
   "Ummm, dancing."
   "What's your boyfriend doing?"
   "He's my partner, now get out of here!"
   Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house.
Jonny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat.
   "What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks.
   "Why I'm dancing." said his grandfather.
   "Well, where is your partner?"
   His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't
need a partner."

-= sex humor =-=   83 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little
girls have babies?"
   "No," said his mom, "of course not."
   Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his
friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

-= sex humor =-=   84 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to
concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The
father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...  television,
ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back
and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
   The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and
all go home.  At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand,
and led him out of the room.  The uncle soon returned back to the poker table
without Johnny and without comment, the game resumed.
   For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the
cardplayers continued without any further interruptions.  After the poker game
ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny?
I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"
   "Not much," the boy's uncle replied.  "I just showed him how to jerk off."

-= sex humor =-=   85 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny can't sleep.  So he gets up and enters his parents bedroom.
It's not too late and his folks are caught in a very revealing and compromising
position.  Johnny is shocked!  "Daddy!  Mommy!  What's wrong!  Are you okay?" he
asks hesitantly.
   His father being the quick thinker that he is stammers, "Uhm!  Your mommy and
I are, ummm, making you a baby brother or sister to play with.  It takes a while
and it looks funny but that's how it's done."
   Little Johnny thinks for a while and nods in satisfaction.  His dad is
extremely pleased and sends him back to bed.
   A week later, Johnny is bawling his head off on the front porch.
   "What's wrong Johnny?" asked his worried father.
   "You know my baby brother you and mommy were making?"
   "Yeah?,"
   Little Johnny cries, "Well, while you were at work, mommy let the mailman in
and he ate my baby brother!!"

-= sex humor =-=   86 =---------------------------------------------------------

I'm taking a new correspondence course in sex.  I invited the mailman in.

-= sex humor =-=   87 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to
her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She
heard the train stop and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons
of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddam train 'cause we're
leaving."
   The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in
this house.  Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about
what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I
want you to use much nicer language.
   Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the
train.  Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who
are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank
you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon.  For
those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat.
Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car.  We hope you
will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today.  For those of you who are
pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin' bitch in
the kitchen!"

-= sex humor =-=   88 =---------------------------------------------------------

   "Mum," says little Johnny, "Sharon and Dave were fighting an eel last night."
   "What do you mean?" asks his mum thinking he must have had a dream about his
big sister and her boyfriend.
   "Well," says Johnny, "I was sneaking down to the fridge last night when I saw
them.  They were hugging with most of the lights off when Sharon's face started
to go a bit funny.  Dave must have known this because he put his hand up her
blouse to feel her heart.  It took him a long time to find it and by this time
he was sick too because he looked hot and his face was funny. His other hand was
getting cold, I know that because he put it up her skirt.  Then I saw what was
making them sick.  This big eel had got into Dave's jeans.  I know it worried
them because when it sprang out, Sharon sat back on the couch and said, 'Oh
bloody hell, it's huge.'  Dave grabbed her hair and she tried to bite its head
off but soon she made a noise and let it go.  It must have bitten her back.
Sharon grabbed it tight and held it with both hands and Dave got something out
of his pocket. I couldn't see that bit too well but it looked like he was trying
to tie it up.  They had a go at killing it but the eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sharon got her legs round it, better than world wrestling that grip she had, and
Dave was bouncing up and down on top trying to crush it.  They were really
getting a good sweat on and moaning and stuff.  In the end, Dave gave his huge
grunt and it all stopped.  The eel was lying there when he rolled off.  Sharon
must have been scared by this because Dave had to cuddle and kiss her a bit to
bring her round.  He felt for her heart again to check she was alright but just
when she'd started to mumble a bit, bugger me if that eel didn't stand up again.
The eel didn't seem to have as much energy but it didn't half struggle and in
the end Sharon did Dave's job.  She sat on it and bounced up and down for about
half an hour, the sweat was rolling off her, and she kept gasping hard for
breath and moaning and everything, Dave had to keep checking her heart but he
couldn't remember which side of her chest it was and he kept reaching for both
sides.  It took ages but this time they reall did kill the thing.  I know that
because right afterwards, Dave skinned it and flushed it away."

-= sex humor =-=   89 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny was sitting on his backyard swing set with some of his sixth
grade schoolmates one Saturday when they started to tell some jokes to each
other.
   Little Susie started off by saying, "Knock, knock?" Everyone answered, "Who's
there?"  Susie says, "Boo!"  Everyone replied, "Boo who?"  To which Susie said,
"Why are you all crying?" and everyone broke out laughing.
   At this point, Little Johnny got up and started into his joke, "Hey, did you
all hear about the prostitute who got fingered by Captain Hook?"
   Immediately, Johnny's mother, who was nearby watering the roses and had heard
Johnny start off, came rushing over and shouted, "Alright Johnny! That's enough!
In fact, all of you kids can go home now.  Leave, please."
   The following Saturday, Johnny again invited his friends over, this time to
play some video games.  During a lull in the action, Johnny said to everyone,
"You know, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be
leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say..."
   This time again, Johnny's mother was in the kitchen and came stomping in
after having heard him.  She said demandingly as she gathered his friends
together and shuffled them towards the door, "Okay kids, it's getting late.  All
of you will have to leave now."
   Little Johnny was puzzled and yelled back at them, "Hey!  Hold on, hold on!
There's still plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

-= sex humor =-=   90 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny had been waiting in a long line to sit on the department store
Santa's lap when he finally gets his turn at it and climbs up.
   Santa say to little Johnny, touching the little boy on the nose with his
finger, "I'll bet you'd like a puppy for Christmas."
   Johnny shakes his head, "No."
   Santa touches the little Johnny's nose with his finger again, "Well, then
I'll bet you'd like a kitten for Christmas."
   Johnny again shakes his head, "No..."
   The department store Santa then asked, "Well then, what would you like for
Christmas, little boy?"
   Johnny replies with a big grin, "I want some pussy!!!"
   Santa, startled and almost speechless, stutters, "Well, I don't have any of
of that!?!?"
   Little Johnny, touching Saint Nick on nose, answers back smiling, "Yes you
do, because I can smell it on your finger!"

-= sex humor =-=   91 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny had a gambling problem.  He'd bet on anything.  One day,
Johnny's father consulted his teacher.
   The teacher said, "Sir, I think I know how to teach little Johnny a real
lesson.  We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."
   Johnny's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.
   The next day at school, the teacher watched Johnny making wagers with the
other children, and she said, "Johnny, I want you to remain after class."
   When all the other children left the classroom, Johnny walked up to the
teacher and, before she could say anything, told her, "Don't say it.  I know
what you're going to say, but you're a liar!!"
   "Johnny!" the startled teacher said, "What are you talking about?!?"
   "You're a fake!" Johnny continued, "How can I believe anything you tell me?
You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch
black!!"
   Trying to keep her composure and stay cool, the teacher said, "Johnny, that
isn't true."
   "I'll bet a dollar that your bush is black as night!" Johnny challenged.
   The teacher saw her chance to teach Johnny a lesson.  "Make it twenty dollars
and you have a bet," she said.
   "You're on!" Johnny whipped out a twenty dollar bill.
   Before anyone could come into the room, the teacher quickly pulled up her
dress, dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Johnny that her pubic
hair was as blond as the hair on her head.
   Johnny hung his head in defeat.  "You win," he said, handing her the twenty
dollar bill.
   The teacher could hardly wait for Johnny to leave so she could call his
father back.  She reported to him what had happened.  "Sir," she said, "I think
we've finally taught him a lesson."
   "The hell we have," the father muttered.  "This morning, Johnny bet me fifty
dollars that he'd get to see your cunt before the day was over."

-= sex humor =-=   92 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town
all week and said, "Mommy, guess what?  Yesterday, I was playing in the closet
in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and
they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -"
   The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word!  Wait until your
father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told
me."
   The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him.  "But
why?" croaks the husband.
   "Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me."
   "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came
upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed
and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle
Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

-= sex humor =-=   93 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.  Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't
ask ladies that question."  Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."  The
boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"  To this, the mother says, "you
shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.
   On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse.  When he picks
it up, her driver's license falls out.  The boy looks it over and goes back to
his mother saying, "I know all about you now.  You are 36 years old, weigh 127
pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

-= sex humor =-=   94 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed
all afternoon mixing various liquids together.  Eventually, his dad went down
and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall.
   "Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad.
   "It's not a nail," said Johnny.  "It's a worm!  I tried to bring this worm
back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard
as a rock."
   Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his
dad said, "I'll tell you what.  You give me the test tube with your special
chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota."
   So little Johnny handed the test tube over.
   The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-
Benz parked in the driveway.  He then asked his dad about the car.
   "Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage.  The Mercedes is from
your mother."

-= sex humor =-=   95 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad,
what can you tell me about politics?  I have to learn about it for school
tomorrow."
   The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe
politics is to use an analogy.  Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the
breadwinner.  Your mother will be government because she controls everything,
our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the
people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future.  Does
that help any?"
   Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you
said."
   Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was awaken by his
brother's crying.  Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.  So, he
went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the
bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.  Then he saw a light on in the guest
room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that
his father was in bed with the maid.  Because he couldn't do anything else, he
turned and went back to bed.
   The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think
I understand politics much better now."
   "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
   Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is
screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and
the future's full of shit."

-= sex humor =-=   96 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny was out with his grandmother when they came across a couple of
dogs mating on the sidewalk.
   "What are they doing, grandma?" asked the little boy.
   The grandmother was embarrassed, so she replied, "The dog on top has hurt his
paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
   "They're just like people, aren't they grandma?" said little Johnny.
   "How do you mean?" asked grandma.
   "Offer someone a helping hand," said little Johnny, "and they fuck you every
time!"

-= sex humor =-=   97 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a
penis on the blackboard.  She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say
anything. Instead, she rubbed it off.  The next day, she came in and saw another
drawing of an even bigger penis on the board.  She frowns and rubs it off.  The
third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it's
huge, covering up almost half of the space.
   She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy
children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board?  And why is it
getting bigger each day?"
   Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the bigger
it gets."

-= sex humor =-=   98 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in
search of a glass of water.  Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in
and catches his folks in The Act.  Before dad can even react, little Johnny
exclaims, "Oh, boy!  Horsie ride!  Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
   Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.  Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town.
   Pretty soon, mommy starts moaning and gasping.  Johnny cries out, "Hang on
tight, Daddy!  This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked
off!"

-= sex humor =-=   99 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Johnny had some sex questions for his father, "Dad, what does 'pussy'
mean?"
   The father took the little boy up to his study room and got out a Playboy
magazine.  He opened the book to the centerfold and too got out an ink pen.  He
drew a small circle in the appropriate place and told Johnny, "See that circle,
everything inside the circle is a pussy."
   "Oh," said little Johnny.  "One more thing, what is a bitch?"
   "Well," said the father, "see that little circle?  A 'bitch' is everything
outside the circle if it doesn't give you what is inside the circle..."

-= sex humor =-=  100 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man and his wife were going to have sex one night.  The man was in the
bathroom putting on a condom.  Just as he started to roll it on, his 2-year-old
son came in the bathroom, and with a shocked look on his face asked, "What are
you doing, daddy?!?"
   "Well, son..." the father stammered.  "I'm catching mice."
   "Well, dad, what are you going to do when you catch them...fuck 'em?"

-= sex humor =-=  101 =---------------------------------------------------------

There is a long Russian tradition of Vovochka (similar to the American rotten
Little Johnny) jokes.  Here are a few:

   The teacher, Maria Ivanovna, asks the children what they want to be when they
grow up.
   "I want to be an actress," Mashen'ka says.
   "Good girl, Mashen'ka."
   "I want to be an astronaut," Peten'ka says.
   "Good boy, Peten'ka."
   "And I want to be a sex therapist," says Vovochka.
   "Would you please tell the class how you think your job is going to be like?"
   "Okay, Maria Ivanovna.  Look out of the window.  Three women are walking down
the street, eating ice cream.  One is licking, one is sucking, one is biting.
Would you please tell the class, Maria Ivanovna, which one is married?"
   "Get out of the class, Vovochka, and come back with your parents!"
   "The one that is married, Maria Ivanovna, is the one that has a wedding ring.
And it is people like you, Maria Ivanovna, that I am going to treat."

Vovochka and Mashen'ka in an arithmetic class.
"You know, Vovochka, I am really bad at arithmetic."
"That's nothing.  Looks like I've caught gonorrhea."
Maria Ivanovna sees that students are talking during a class period.
"Vovochka, how much is 3 times 7?"
"Oh, Maria Ivanovna, I'd like to have your worries.  21."

   Vovochka drew a fly on the class gradebook.  Maria Ivanovna saw the fly
sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler.  The fly didn't fly away.
So she slammed the log once again;  again, the fly didn't fly away.  This drove
Maria Ivanovna really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and,
as a result, the gradebook became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
   Then Maria Ivanovna called Vovochka's father to school.  "You see what your
son did to our class gradebook?"
   "That's nothing." replied the father.  "Last month, he drew a naked woman on
a fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my
dick."

-= sex humor =-=  102 =---------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Mary Jane.  One day, she was walking in
the woods, when a man jumped out from behind a tree and ripped all her clothes
off.  But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, because she knew they wouldn't fit
him!

-= sex humor =-=  103 =---------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Mary Jane.  One day, she got an obscene
telephone call.  But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, because she knew he had
the wrong number.

-= sex humor =-=  104 =---------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Mary Jane.  One day, when she was out
for a walk, a man in a raincoat jumped out at her from behind a tree, and when
he opened his raincoat, he had on no clothes!  But Mary Jane just laughed and
laughed, because she knew it wasn't supposed to rain!

-= sex humor =-=  105 =---------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Mary Jane.  One day, when she was
walking in the woods (Mary Jane takes lots of walks), a squirrel ran right up
her leg under her skirt.  But Mary Jane just laughed and laughed, because she
knew she didn't have any nuts.

-= sex humor =-=  106 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy at an Indian reservation asks the chief for a wife.  The chief says,
"Not until you get practise at sex.  Go into forest and practice on a tree."
   The guy complies.
   A week later, he comes (sic) back and tells the chief that he's ready for
his new wife now.  He gets a wife.
   On wedding night, they strip down to their bare essentials and are about to
fuck like weasels when the guy kicks her in the crotch.
   She recoils, shocked, and asks, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR???"
   Unphased, he casually replies, "Me no stupid; me check for bees."

-= sex humor =-=  107 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Some hostile Indians finally captured the Lone Ranger and told him that they
were going to execute him.  They decided that since he was such a great
adversary, they would grant him one last wish.  When told this, the Lone Ranger
whistled loudly, and from out of nowhere galloped his horse Silver.
   The Lone Ranger whispered something in the horse's ear, and the horse took
off a great speed.  The Indians were curious and waited to see what happened.
Sure enough, about half an hour later, Silver appeared with a gorgeous woman on
his back, and he dropped her off in front of the Lone Ranger.  So impressed were
the Indians that they untied the Lone Ranger, showed him to a tee pee, and let
him do as he pleased.
   A few hours later, the Lone Ranger exited very tired and barely able to stand
up.  The Indians decided that they would let him regain his strength and execute
him the next day.  But the next day came, and the Indians were absolutely amazed
at the previous day's spectacle, that they decided to again grant the Lone
Ranger one last wish.
   Again, he whistled for Silver, Silver appeared, the Lone Ranger whispered
something in his ear, the horse took off and brought back an even more beautiful
woman.  Flabbergasted, the Indians again let the Lone Ranger have some privacy
with the woman in a tee pee, and again, he was nearly exhausted afterward,
unable to walk.  Another day passed, and the Indians decided they needed to see
what would happen, so they granted him yet another wish.
   Again, the Lone Ranger whistled for Silver, and when the horse appeared, the
Lone Ranger grabbed him by the neck and yelled at him, "I *said* bring me a god
damn posse!"

-= sex humor =-=  108 =---------------------------------------------------------

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

-= sex humor =-=  109 =---------------------------------------------------------

Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently touch my finger tips

Soft sighs, silky hair
Longing for me to touch her there

Her begging eyes
Her whimpering cries

Urgent needs of one so sweet
Bring me quickly to my feet

The night is warm, there is no doubt
It's my turn to take the dog out

-= sex humor =-=  110 =---------------------------------------------------------

One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit Of Honey.
So he took his Miss Hershey behind the Powerhouse
on the corner of Fifth Avenue and Clark
where he then began to feel her Mounds.
This was an Almond Joy
that definitely made his Tootsie Roll.
He let out a Snicker
as he slipped his Butterfinger up her Kit Kat.
Which, of course, caused the Milky Way.
She screamed Oh Henry!
as she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts and said,
"You're better than the Three Musketeers!"

-= sex humor =-=  111 =---------------------------------------------------------

"Censored Erotica," by Janice Perry
Taken from "In Stitches", edited by Gloria Kaufman (Indiana)

It was lying beside me, verbing quietly.  I could hear its steady breathing and
the soft sounds of its verbing.  I began to get adjective, so I turned to it and
put my body part around it.  It looked deep into my body part and verbed me with
its body part.  I began to verb and to verb its body part with mine.  It moaned
and said, "I emotion when you verb me like that."  There was the sound of its
adjective body part rubbing against my body part and the slow rhythm of our
verbing each other.  I saw its color body part and grew more and more emotioned.
I knew I would soon verb.  My skin verbed with excitement, and I felt tiny nouns
shooting up and down my body part.  I said, "Faster, faster my endearment, I'm
going to verb!  Yes, I'm Verbing!, I'm VERBING!  VERB me!  VERB me!  Oh
endearment, you are the SUPERLATIVE!  I emotion you."  We lay together in
silence, and then got up and ate three entire packets of nouns.

-= sex humor =-=  112 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An Italian man was walking along a secluded beach one day, when he spotted a
beautiful naked woman lying on the beach.  Unable to restrain himself, he
immediately jumped on her and proceeded to hump like a rabid rabbit.
   Soon, however, the townspeople came out and began to beat the man, calling
him names.  "Bastardo!"  "Perverto!"  They cried out desperately.
   "Perverto?  I am-a no perverto!" the man hollered back.
   The people responded, "Idiot!  Can't you see this woman is-a dead!?"
   "Dead?!" he cried.  "My God, I thought she was-a English!"

-= sex humor =-=  113 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when
suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude.
   "Would I love to eat that?!!!  Oui, oui!!!" the Frenchman said, smacking his
lips.
   So the Italian shot her.

-= sex humor =-=  114 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two friends reminiscing over sex...
This woman had a clitoris like a pickle!
What, so big?
No, so sour!

-= sex humor =-=  115 =---------------------------------------------------------

Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?
Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked.

-= sex humor =-=  116 =---------------------------------------------------------

It was once reported in "Variety" that Milton Berle, while watching television,
asked his wife, "Do you feel that sex and excitement have gone out of our
marriage?"  To which his wife, Ruth, answered, "I'll discuss it with you during
the next commercial."

-= sex humor =-=  117 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A poor man told his wife,  I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to
work overseas.  So, he took off to Africa.  A few years later, he returned.   As
he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the
house.  He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
   "Is the housewife in?" he asked.
    The servant replied: "Just a moment."  The wife comes out:
   Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
   Husband: Guess what?  I am rich.
   Wife:  How?
   Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on
sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds.  Due to the high demand,
I got rich fast.
   Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa,
making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed
here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

-= sex humor =-=  118 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided in his
friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this.  When I'm
away, I just don't know what she is doing.  There's always the doubt, always the
doubt.
   Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what.  Because we're such close friends,
I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."
   "You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved.  "Oh thank you so
very much.  I know I really should trust my wife.  But it's just that there's
always the doubt, always the doubt."
   So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks
later.  The two men met again.
   "Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said.
   "Well?"
   "The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house.
Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him.  He fondled her
breasts.  He rubbed her crotch.  Then they closed the door to go upstairs.
Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the
bedroom.
   "And so...?" inquired Charles.
   "Well, first they took off all their clothes.  Incidentally, my dear friend,
your wife has a lovely body."
   "She does indeed," said Charles thoughtfully.  "What happened then?"
   "Then?" Pierre shook his head sorrowfully.  "Then is when they turned out the
light.  I could see nothing.  I could learn nothing more."
   Charles sighed a deep sigh.  "So you see how it is, my friend?  Always the
doubt, always the doubt."

-= sex humor =-=  119 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A salesman, who had completed a trip earlier than expected, left his wife a
message on their answering machine.  When he got home, he found his wife in bed
with another man.  Being a non-violent type, he went to his father-in-law and
told him what happened.  "I'm sure there must be an explanation," his
father-in-law assured him.
   The next day, the husband came back to the father-in-law smiling.  "I knew
it!  I knew there was an explanation," he said.  "She forgot to check her phone
messages."

-= sex humor =-=  120 =---------------------------------------------------------

A guy came home and found his wife in bed with his best friend.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?!?"
"See," the wife said to the man beside her, "I told you he was stupid."

-= sex humor =-=  121 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man sat at a bar and told the bartender, "I just got the shock of my life.
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend."
   "What did you do?" asked the bartender.
   "Well," said the man, "I hit him on the nose with a newspaper, and sent him
out to the garage without any Alpo!"

-= sex humor =-=  122 =---------------------------------------------------------

   When a delegate from a emerging African nation was in Moscow, he watched a
game of Russian roulette.  Someone put the barrel of a pistol up to his head and
pulled the trigger.  One of the six chambers had a real live bullet.
   A month later, the Russian delegate was visiting the African nation.
   "We would like to show you our version of roulette," the ambassador said, "We
call this African roulette."
   "How do you play?"
   The ambassador pointed to six buxom tribeswomen sitting in a circle.  "Any of
these six girls will give you a blow job."
   "Well, where is the roulette part? Where is the jeopardy?  You must have some
risk involved in this game, you know."  the Russian said.
   "Well," said the African ambassador, "one of the girls is a cannibal."

-= sex humor =-=  123 =---------------------------------------------------------

   In deep dark cannibal Africa, a man and his child cannibal were walking along
one day.  The man says to his son, "Son, today you're gonna eat your first
woman!"
   The son replies, "Great dad, what do I do?"
   The man says, "Go to the village and bring a nice and juicy woman and I'll
see if she's good enough."
   The son goes and, an hour later, he brings back this skinny lady.  The man
say, "No No, she's way too skinny, there's no meat to eat!  Go get us another."
   The son goes and gets a fat ugly woman.  The man says, "No son, she's too
fat, too much fat is bad for the heart."
   So the son disappears for three hours and comes back with this amazing
looking curvaceous lady with big breasts and a nice butt!  "What do you think
of her?" the son asks.
   The man replies with his mouth wide open, "She's great!  Son, you did good.
Now let's take her home, we'll eat your mother!"

-= sex humor =-=  124 =---------------------------------------------------------

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another...  I said, "Let's go
back to my place."  She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"  I said, "No, but I have
some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

-= sex humor =-=  125 =---------------------------------------------------------

Pity the poor egg.  He only gets laid once in its life and the only person to
sit on his face is his mother.

-= sex humor =-=  126 =---------------------------------------------------------

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
How can I get hard so fast, I just got laid a minute ago!

-= sex humor =-=  127 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two WASPs are making love.  Afterward the man says to the woman, "What's the
matter?  Didn't you like it?"  The woman says, "Of course I liked it.  What
gave you the idea that I didn't?"  "Well," says the man, "you moved."

-= sex humor =-=  128 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home
when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.
   "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the
scene before them.  "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as
he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
   A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to
the bathroom.  As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming
from within.  He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of
his mother, moving in a strange way.
   His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father
froze.  As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the
father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.
   "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't
sure what he saw.  "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a
baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now
confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.
   "Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you
go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please.  I'd rather have a puppy."

-= sex humor =-=  129 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own.
   One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.  His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong.
   "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
   "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
   "Oh, Bill, you didn't."
   "Yes, I did."
   "My God, Bill, what happened?"
   "I got fired."
   "No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
   "Oh...she got fired too."

-= sex humor =-=  130 =---------------------------------------------------------

Your Favorite Color Is The Key To Your Sexual Life

Red
   Tend to be tigers in the sack.  They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in
every way imaginable.  Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to
extinguish.  When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady
Chatterley blush.  Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors
should beware!

Yellow
   If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward
the adaptable.  The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow!  No don't panic -
not everyone who wears Yellow is gay.  In most cases the person will acquiesce
to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner.  You will never enjoy sex
to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you
enjoy or admire.

Purple
   Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a
fun romp in the sack.  Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair.
Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking.  In both sexes, Purple
partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's
gratification.

Black
   Black color preferences point to Black sex.  These people are the misfits of
the sex world and seek out each other in kinship.  They tend to prefer perverted
sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature.  They are moody people
and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times.
Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black.  And
it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black
attire.

Green
   Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex.
Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life.  And a man
may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort
of way.  Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate.  If chosen as a mate, one
will never need worry about infidelity.

Pink
   Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters.  Women
tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver.  In some cases, they
flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage
of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink.  Men who like Pink are
philanderers and flirts.  They are the type who will take three dates for the
same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar,
instead.  Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when
they are deserted.  Pink indicates a tendency to squander money.

Orange
   People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies.  The sex act is
regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay
is as important as the act of love.  They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless
dialogue they feel fits their image.  Orange people often do not experience
orgasm, but they put on a darn good act.  Men tend to pull their partner's hair
and women leave red welts on their sex partners back.  But the bruises and the
ballyhoo add up to nothing.

Brown
   If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate.  Brown lovers
tend to be warm and deep.  Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners.
Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them.  They can't say "I Love You" often enough.
Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their
tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown.  They need lots of time and privacy to
make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

Gray
   The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive.  They can't get
excited about anything - including colors - so they choose a noncommittal
shade.  Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension,
(nothing more, nothing less).  It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am.  Women who
prefer Gray don't make love, they have intercourse.  And for one of two reasons,
to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant.  They count the cracks in the
bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done.  When a Gray marries
another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven.  But when teamed with another
color, the Gray spouse considers the color's infidelity a blessing.

Blue
   Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and
sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their
approach is elegant.  Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately
ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand.  Women in the Blue
category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion
might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression.  Both men and
women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act
itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please
the spouse and never seeking outside interests.

White
   If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty.  These people
are puritanical in nature.  French kissing is obscene and to make love in
daylight in unheard of.  Women who love White will undress beneath the covers.
Men will shower before and after the sex act.  These people will use pet names
for their genitals.

-= sex humor =-=  131 =---------------------------------------------------------

Hi there. I'm a detective.  My name is Friday.  I work on Saturday.  She's my
secretary.  A guy walked by my office, I knew he was tall; we're on the seventh
floor.  Last week, a woman walked into my office.  She pulled out a pair of 45s,
then she pulled out a gun.  She invited me to a party that night.  As we were
driving to the party, we got a flat tire.  I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she
jacked, then we got out and fixed the tire.  When we got to the party, everyone
was feeling merry, but Mary had to leave.  Then everyone started jumping for
joy, but Joy got a headache...so we left.  We went to her place.  A rock broke
through the window and hit her in the breast, I broke three fingers.  I started
petting her pussy, then her cat walked in.  Her husband showed up...told me to
beat it, so I did, then I left.

-= sex humor =-=  132 =---------------------------------------------------------

Hi, my name's Friday.  Usually, I work on Thursday.  She's my secretary.  One
day, I was dictating to her when a rock crashed into the window, cutting my dick
and her tits.  Later on, we went to a party that night.  On the way, we had a
flat tire.  I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked, and then we went out to
fix the flat tire.  When we finally got there, everyone was jumping for joy. Joy
was swinging naked on the chandelier.  Things soon quieted down and people were
gay and blowing bubbles.  Bubbles didn't mind though, because he was gay anyway.
We went home and as we watched TV, I pet her pussy.  Her cat walked in and then
her father, who told me to beat it, so I did.  Then I left.

-= sex humor =-=  133 =---------------------------------------------------------

The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Activity      Calories Burned     Activity         Calories Burned
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Removing Clothes:                 Orgasmic Intensity Scale:
With partner's consent......12    Shoes flew off.................35
Without partner's consent..187    Expression didn't change......1/2
                                  Orchestra swelled...............6
Unhooking Bra:                    Birds sang
Using two calm hands.........7      Large birds...................7
Using one trembling hand....36      Small birds...................3
                                  Earth moved....................30

Lifting partner.............15    Pulling Out:
Dragging partner on floor...16    After orgasm..................1/2
Using skateboard.............3    A few moments before orgasm...500

Achieving Erections:              Penis Envy:
For normal healthy man.....2.5    For woman.......................3
Losing erection.............14    For men........................72
Searching for it...........115
                                  Guilt:
Putting On Condom:                Despite no formal training,
With erection..............1.5    orgasm comes easily............53
Without erection...........300    You enjoy sex, despite the fact
                                  other people are starving.......2
Inserting Diaphragm:              Sex on your lunch hour..........3
If the woman who does it is       Putting it on expense account..20
Experienced..................6
Inexperienced...............73
If a man does it...........680    Aggravation:
Add (5) calories for retrieving   Partner keeps showing plants....5
it from across the room.          Partner insists on cuddling the
                                  dog during foreplay............14

According To Nationality:         Partner visiting bathroom for
Italian- Man on top,woman in      7th time.......................10
kitchen.....................26    Partner taking phone calls......7
Russian- Woman on bottom,         Partner making phone calls.....40
Man getting permission......55
American- Both on top.......60    Getting Caught:
                                  By partner's spouse............60
Side Effects Intercourse:         By your spouse................100
Bouncing.....................7    Trying to explain..............55
Sliding around...............9    Trying to remain calm.........100
Serious skidding............12    Leaping out of bed.............75
Whiplash....................27    Getting dressed in one motion.500
                                  Thanking partner quickly........2
Orgasm:
Real........................27
Faked......................160

-= sex humor =-=  134 =---------------------------------------------------------

   At a party, the hostess served a politician a cup of punch and told him it
was spiked.  Next, she served some to a minister.  "I would rather commit
adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips," he proclaimed.  Overhearing this,
the politician poured his punch back and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

-= sex humor =-=  135 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.  When it rains,
however, the laundry always get wet.  All the laundry, that is, except for
Sophie's.  The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on
the days that it rains.
   So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the
line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your
laundry is never out?"
   "Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If
his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day,
and I can hang out the wash.  If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I
know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
   "What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
   "Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*."

-= sex humor =-=  136 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that
he's the baddest ass person around.  Eventually tiring of this boasting, the
bartender says, "If you're such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me."
   The customer says, "No problem, name it."
   The bartender says, "Okay, there's three things you have to do: first,
there's this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers
all night; you have to kick him out of the bar.  Secondly, I have an alligator
in the back room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to
pull it.  Third, there's a hooker up stairs who's never been satisfied, you have
to go up there and make her come.
   The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the
bar.  After that he says, "Okay, show me to the alligator."  The bartender takes
the man to the back room and shuts the door.
   For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room.  The
man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and
bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says, "Okay, where's the hooker with the
abcessed tooth?"

-= sex humor =-=  137 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A little boy and a little girl are playing.  The little boy pulls down his
shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*."  The little girl
starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.
   The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again.  Once again the
boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you
*don't*."  But the little girl just keeps on playing.
   "How come you're not crying today," asks the boy.
   "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with
one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want."

-= sex humor =-=  138 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A young couple is living on a farm.  One evening a flying saucer lands on the
farm, right next to their house.  Out of the flying saucer steps a young Martian
couple, and they look very much like humans.  The earth woman invites the
Martians for dinner.  They all sit down and start talking.  They begin
exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much that
they decide to switch partners for the night.  The farmer and the Martian's wife
go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the Martian man go into the
other room.
   As the Martian man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down and sees
that his phallus is extremely small.  "What are you gonna do with that?" she
says.  "I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear.  Suddenly
his penis extends to a foot and a half.  However, it is still only as thick as a
pencil.  "That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it's really not very wide."
The Martian then reaches up, twists his left ear, and he becomes as thick as a
huge sausage.  They then proceed to have sex.
   The next morning, the Martians take off and the farmer and his wife are
having breakfast.
   "So, how was it?" asks the farmer.
   "It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had!  How was yours?"
   "Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird.  All night long she kept
playing with my ears."

-= sex humor =-=  139 =---------------------------------------------------------

   These aliens come to earth and study it for a few weeks until they finally
decide that the dominant species on Earth are machines.  They decide that
someone should go down and approach the first machine he sees.
   There is a flash of light and one of the aliens is standing in front of gas
station, he looks around and walks up the a gas pump and says in a high squeaky
voice, "Take me to your leader." and waits.
   The gas pump didn't reply.  So the alien said again with a little more force,
"Take me to your leader."
   Once again, the gas pump did not answer, so the alien drew his blaster from
his belt pointed it at the gas pump and yelled, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"
   The gas pump was doubtless frightened to death but still did not answer, so
the alien let rip with a class 8A ray from his gun and the pump exploded
throwing the alien several miles into the desert.
   Eventually, his spacecraft came to pick him up. Once on board, a fellow alien
told him, "I told you not to fuck with a guy that can wrap his dick around his
head and shove it in his ear!"

-= sex humor =-=  140 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A Martian expedition came to Earth to observe humans.
   The alien spacecraft landed in the middle of the Arizona desert, infront of
an old, abandoned gas station.  One of the aliens decides to interact with one
of the old gas pumps (confusing it with a human, since it had a round head).
   The alien steps forth and asks, "What is your name?  Who is your leader?
What do you do here?"  The gas pump didn't respond.
   The alien gets in his spacecraft and contacts the mother ship to give his
report.  The alien says, " I have observed the humans.  They are deaf, dumb, and
as a side note, never send a female Martian to explore this planet because they
have dicks so long, they hang them from their ear."

-= sex humor =-=  141 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   The first astronaut to land on Mars was delighted to come across a beautiful
Martian woman stirring a huge pot over a campfire. "Hi there," he said casually.
"What're you doing?"
   "Making babies," she explained, looking up with a winsome smile.
   Horny after the long space voyage, the astronaut decided to give it a shot. 
"That's not the way we do it on Earth," he informed her.
   "Oh, really?" the Martian woman looked up from her pot with interest. "How do
your people do it?"
   "Well, it's hard to describe," he conceded, "but I'd be glad to show you."
   "Fine," agreed the lovely Martian maiden, and the two proceeded to make love
in the glow of the fire. When they were finished, she asked, "So where are the
babies?"
   "Oh, they don't show up for another nine months," explained the astronaut
patiently.
   "So why'd you stop stirring?"

-= sex humor =-=  142 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr. Smith, I'm
pregnant again.  I need a hearing aid."
   Dr. Smith says, "Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve
children were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant
again.  I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive."
   Mrs. Jones replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive.  I need a
hearing aid."
   Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?"
   Mrs. Jones: "Well, you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing.  At night,
when the mister and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you
want to go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'"

-= sex humor =-=  143 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A mother and her daughter are at the gynecologist's office.  The mother asked
the doctor to examine her daughter.
   "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the
mother said.
   The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."
   The mother gasped, "That's nonsense!  Why, my little girl has nothing
whatsoever to do with men."  She turned to the girl.  "You don't, do you, dear?"
   "No, mumsy," said the girl.  "Why, you know that I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
   The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.  Then, silently he
stood up and walked to the window, staring out.  He continued staring until the
mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
   "No, Madam," said the doctor.  "It's just that the last time anything like
this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another
one was going to show up."

-= sex humor =-=  144 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Red Riding Hood is riding through the woods to see her grandmother. As
she enters the woods a birds lands on her shoulder and exclaims, "Little Red
Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please don't go any further.  The big bad
wolf says he's going to get you and fondle you."
   Little Red Riding Hood disregards the bird's warning and proceeds even
further into the woods.  A little bit later, a squirrel catches her attention
and cries, "Little Red Riding Hood, please don't go any further!  The big bad
wolf is going to get you and fondle you!"
   Little Red Riding Hood responds with mocking laughter and continues on into
the woods.  Some time later, a fox comes bounding out of the woods hollering for
Little Red Riding Hood to turn back.  "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding
Hood, please please don't go any further.  The big bad wolf is just up ahead.
He's going to get you and fondle you!"
   Little Red Riding Hood blows him off as she did the others and rides on.  A
few moments later, the big bad wolf makes his promised appearance.  He leaps out
of the woods growling menacingly, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding
Hood, I'm going to get you and fondle you!"
   Little Red Riding Hood nonchalantly reaches into her knapsack, pulls out a
pistol, looks the wolf squarely in the eyes and says, "No you're not!  You are
going to eat me like the story says."

-= sex humor =-=  145 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her
grandmother when, suddenly, a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.  "Ah-ha!!"
the wolf said, "Now I've got you.  And I'm going to eat you!"
   "Eat!  Eat!  Eat!"  Little Red Riding Hood said angrily.  "Damn it!!  Doesn't
anybody fuck anymore?!?"

-= sex humor =-=  146 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Once upon a time, there was a sweet, cute, darling little girl named Little
Red Riding Hood who was going to her grandma's house at the other end of the
forest.  Along the way, she meets a Big Bad Wolf who asks in a polite voice,
"Little girl, where are you going on this nice fine day?"
   "Well, actually, my ma told me not to talk to strangers," Little Red Riding
Hood says.  "But since you are such a nice wolf, I'll tell you.  I'm going to my
grandma's house at the other end of the forest."
   "It's so sad, but I'm not going by that way; see you some other time!!!"  And
with that, the sneaky, no good, Big Bad Wolf dances away to grandma's house at
the other end of the forest, chuckling to himself, "Hee hee, kids nowadays,
little do they know..."
   So Little Red Riding Hood slowly proceeds, arriving at her grandma's house
late in the afternoon. The door is ajar, and a strange deathly silence permeated
the air. "Oh grandma, I'm here to visit you!!!"
   "Ooooh dearie, I'm inside, sick in bed," a gruff voice replies.  Little Red
Riding Hood enters the house, only to see a huge *thing* lying on the bed.
   "Oooh grandma, what BIG ears you have."
   "Better to hear you with dear... (hee, hee)"
   "Oh grandma, what BIG eyes you have."
   "Better to see you with dear... (hee, hee)"
   "Oooh grandma, what BIG teeth you have."
   "(hee, hee) Better to EAT YOU with..."  And the Big Bad Wolf leaps hungrily
out of bed, ready to pounce on poor, cute, defenseless, and darling Little Red
Riding Hood...  Only to see her rip out a .44 Magnum from under her basket and
unload four rounds, point-blank, into his belly.
   "Arrrghh," the Big Bad Wolf cries in pain.  "Kids nowadays. I shudaff known."

-= sex humor =-=  147 =---------------------------------------------------------

Red Riding Hood (Politically Correct Version)

   There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother
on the edge of a large wood.  One day, her mother asked her to take a basket of
fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house, not because this was
woman's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a
feeling of community.  Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was
in full physical and mental health as was fully capable of taking care of
herself as a mature adult.
   So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods.  Many
people she knew believed that the forest was a forboding and dangerous place and
never set foot in it.  Red Riding Hood, however, was so confident in her own
budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
   One her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who
asked her what was in her basket.  She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my
grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature
adult."
   The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."
   Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from
society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid
world view.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."
   Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But, because his status
outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style
thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.  He burst into the
house, and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such
as himself.  Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was
masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.
   Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you
some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and
nurturing matriarch."
   From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see
you."
   Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
   "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
   "Grandma, what a big nose you have, only relatively, of course, and certainly
attractive in its own way."
   "It has smelled much and forgiven much, my dear."
   "Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
   The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of
bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her.  Red
Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward
cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
   Her screams were heard by a passing wood chopper-person (or log-fuel
technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he burst into the cottage, he
saw the melee and tried to intervene.  But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood
and the Wolf both stopped.
   "And, what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
   The wood chopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to
him.
   "Busting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking
for you!," she said.  "Sexist!  Speciesist!  How dare you assume that women and
wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"
   When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the Wolf's
mouth, took the wood chopper-person's ax, and cut his head off.  After this
ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of
purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect
and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.

The end.

-= sex humor =-=  148 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two teachers are talking in the hallway.
"I hear you're teaching Ivanhoe this term in English class"
"Yes, They weren't allowed to teach that book when I was in school"
"Why not?"
"Too much Saxon Violence"

-= sex humor =-=  149 =---------------------------------------------------------

Don't ever get a vasectomy at Sears.  A friend of mine did and now every time he
gets a hard-on, his garage door goes up.

-= sex humor =-=  150 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A mature woman was in the pastoral study counseling for her upcoming fourth
wedding.
   "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
   "My child, you have been a married woman for many years.  Surely that cannot
be."
   "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do
was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it
tomorrow.  The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look.  But this
time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."

-= sex humor =-=  151 =---------------------------------------------------------

An amorous lady was married to a philosopher. Unfortunately, all he wanted to do
was talk about it.  So she married a writer, but all he wanted to do was write
about it.  She got tired of him, so she married a gynecologist thinking that
will be heaven.  But all he wanted to do was to look at it. Finally, she married
a hardware technician, thinking technicians are all macho guys.  But all the
technician did was walk around the room saying, "It will be up any minute, it
will be up any minute."

-= sex humor =-=  152 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym.  As they are changing
clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts.  He is wearing
a bra and a lace garter belt.
   "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?"
   "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

-= sex humor =-=  153 =---------------------------------------------------------

The Official Polish Sex Quiz

Study each question carefully.  Then, choose the answer that seems most correct
("T" for True or "F" for False) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name)
under the appropriate heading on the right side.

                                                                T  F
1.  A clitoris is a type of flower.                             _  _
2.  Pubic hair is a wild rabbit.                                _  _
3.  "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird.                          _  _
4.  Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.    _  _
5.  Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.                       _  _
6.  A G-string is part of a violin.                             _  _
7.  Semen is another word for "sailor".                         _  _
8.  Anus is the Latin word for "yearly".                        _  _
9.  Testicles are found on an octopus.                          _  _
10. Asphalt dexcribes rectal troubles.                          _  _
11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.                     _  _
12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.                   _  _
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.                             _  _
14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke".                         _  _
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.                   _  _
16. A condom is an apartment complex.                           _  _
17. An organism is the person who accompanies the church choir. _  _
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.                       _  _
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.                       _  _
20. An erection is when the Japanese go to the voting booths.   _  _
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.                 _  _
22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.             _  _
23. Pornography is the business of making record albums.        _  _
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.                  _  _
25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve".                    _  _
26. An enema is someone who is not your friend.                 _  _
27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.             _  _

-= sex humor =-=  154 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two storks are in a nest, a father stork and baby stork.  Baby is crying and
crying, and father stork is trying to calm him.
   "Don't worry, son.  Your mother will come back.  She's only bringing people
babies and making them happy."
   The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job.  "Son, your father will be
back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
   A few days later, the stork parents are desperate.  Their son has been gone
from the nest all night!  Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and the
parents ask their son where he had been all night.
   Says the baby stork, "Aww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"

-= sex humor =-=  155 =---------------------------------------------------------

Entry in young woman's diary :

   Monday : Went out with John tonight.  We were in his car and he tried to get
too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away.  My legs are still my best
friends.
   Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight.  We were in his car and he tried to
get too friendly also.  I got out of the car and walked away.  My legs are still
my best friends.
   Wednesday : Went out with Jock tonight.  I like Jock.  We were in his car and
he tried to get too friendly.  I didn't get out and walk away.  Even the best of
friends must part!

-= sex humor =-=  156 =---------------------------------------------------------

   "I know a girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to bed
early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time."
   "Hey, that's great."
   "Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old."

-= sex humor =-=  157 =---------------------------------------------------------

I was so embarrassed last week.  My Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal
detector.

-= sex humor =-=  158 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There are three people in a pub.  Two of them are talking to each other.
They seem to be brooding.  So they ask each other why they are brooding.
   The first one says, "Well, I think it's because I have sex only once every
month."
   Then the second one replies, "Oh, that's true."  In my case, it's only once
every other month".
   Then, they both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful.  They
are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw.
   "Once every six monthes" says the fellow.
   "Then," ask the first, "why are you so happy?"
   And the third replies, "Because it's tonight!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  159 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane.  All of a
sudden, the man sneezes powerfully.  He takes out his handkerchief, opens his
zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in
and closes the zipper.
   The woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries
not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.
   Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one.  And the same
routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close.  That nearly
makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.
   After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask: "Excuse me,
Sir, but you have now sneezed three times.  And after each time you have taken
out your penis and wiped it.  May I inquire why?"
   "Oh, you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze, I get an orgasm."
   "But that's awful!  What do you take for it?"
   "Pepper," answers the man.

-= sex humor =-=  160 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he
goes to his local brothel.  He enters and finds the madam.  As it's the busiest
time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a
word of English.
   "I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry.
   So they proceed upstairs and get down to business.  As Victor is going full
whack, the girl begins to shout out, "Sung wa! Sung wa!"  To which Victor
assumes that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed.
   The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese
client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can.  Just then, the client
T's off and gets a whole in one.  This gives Victor the opportunity to use his
newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the
client replies, "Wrong hole?  What do you mean wrong hole?"

-= sex humor =-=  161 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.  He carries his trusty 22-gauge
rifle with him.  After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and
fires.  When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.  A moment later the bear taps
the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it.
You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop
your trousers, bend over, and I'll [insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy
here]."  The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
   After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers
back into town.  He's pretty mad.  He buys a much larger gun and returns to the
forest.  He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.  When the smoke clears, the
bear is gone.  A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
   Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys
a bazooka.  Now he's really mad.  He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims,
and fires.  The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.  When
the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this
for the hunting, are you?"

-= sex humor =-=  162 =---------------------------------------------------------

A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit him.
He said, "What was that for?"
She said, "For being a lousy lover!"
He thought about that for a few moments, then he hit her back.
She said, "What was that for?"
He said, "For knowing the difference!"

-= sex humor =-=  163 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two women are talking over lunch when one said to the other, "Well, Jane,
how's your sex life these days?"
   "Well...my husband makes me feel like an exercise bike," replies Jane.
   "How's that?" asked her friend.
   "He climbs on and starts pumping away," explained Jane.  "But we never get
anywhere."

-= sex humor =-=  164 =---------------------------------------------------------

A Dog Named "Sex"

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy".  I call mine Sex.  Sex has
been embarrassing to me.  When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told
the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.
Then I said, "But this is a dog."  He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand.  I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He
said I must have been quite a kid.  When I got married and went on my honeymoon,
I took the dog with me.  I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and
me, and a special room for Sex.  He said that every room in the place was for
sex.  I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."  The clerk
said, "Me too."  One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition
began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there
looking around.  I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.  He told
me that I should have sold my own tickets.  "But you don't understand," I said,
"I hoped to have Sex on TV."  He called me a show-off.  When my wife and I
separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.  I said, "Your
Honor, I had Sex before I was married."  The judge said, "Me too."  Then I told
him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."  Last night, Sex
ran off again.  I spent hours looking around town for him.  A cop came over to
me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning."  I
said, "I am looking for Sex."  My case comes up on Friday.

-= sex humor =-=  165 =---------------------------------------------------------

Computer Sex

   Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user.  His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,
even if it meant time-sharing.
   One evening, he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his
Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when
he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden.
He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly.  I'll see if she'd like an
update tonight."
   Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL
and a PRIME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all
over the place.
   He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit
floating point processors and enquired, "How are you, Honeywell?"
   "Yes, I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and
smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
   Micro settled for a straight line approximation.  "I'm stand-alone tonight,"
he said.  "How about computing a vector to my base address?  I'll output a byte
to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."
   Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K.
"I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh
my disks.  I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside."
She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a
global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"
   They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and
a bucket of baudot.  Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous
arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgements, although, in
reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry
point.  He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to see my benchmark
routine', but Mini was again one step ahead.
   Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full
functionality of her operating system software.  "Let's get BASIC, you RAM," she
said.  Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its
output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about.
   "Core," was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.
   Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her
divide files to reveal her data set ready.  He accessed his fully packed root
device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she
attempted an escape sequence.
   "No, no!" she cried.  "You're not shielded!"
   "Reset, baby," he replied, "I've been debugged."
   "But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes," she protested.
   "Don't run away," he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."
   "No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design
philosophy."
   Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off.  But
Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main
supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
   "Computers!" she thought, as she recompiled herself.  "All they ever think of
is hex!"

-= sex humor =-=  166 =---------------------------------------------------------

The Sex Life Of An Electron

   One night, when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a
cute coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride
on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the Sine Waves,
and stopped in the Magnetic Field by a flowing current.
   Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, soon had her
fully charged and excited her resistance to a minimum.  He laid her on the
ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.  He pulled
out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in
parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
   Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled, "OHM-OHM-OHM."
   With his tube operating at maximum and her field vibrating with his current
flow, her shunt overheated, and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained
of every electron.  They fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets
until his magnet had a soft core and had lost all it's field strength.
   Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids.  And
with his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field,
so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each other's
fuses.

-= sex humor =-=  167 =---------------------------------------------------------

Mathematical Sex

   Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, your Polly Nomial
(our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh,
horror).
   Once upon a time ( 1/T ), Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of
vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix.  Now Polly
was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never
enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her
variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this
condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the
complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached
her surface.  She became tensor and tensor.  Quite suddenly, two branches of a
hyperbola touched her at a single point.  She oscillated violently, lost all
sense of directrix, and went completely divergent.  As she reached a turning
point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and
plunged headlong down a steep gradient.  When she rounded off once more, she
found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidian space.
   She was being watched, however.  That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking
innerproduct.  As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular
expression crossed his face.  He wondered, was she still convergent?  He decided
to integrate improperly at once.
   Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi
approaching with his power series extrapolated.  She could see at once by his
degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
   "Arcsinh," she gasped.
   "Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have.  I can see
your angles have a lot of secs."
   "Oh, sir," she protested, "keep away from me.  I haven't got my brackets on."
   "Calm yourself, My Dear," said our Suave Operator.  "Your fears are purely
imaginary."
   "I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but homologous."
   "What order are you?" the Brute demanded.
   "Seventeen," replied Polly.
   Curly leered.  "I suppose you've never been operated on."
   "Of course not," Polly replied quite properly.  "I'm absolutely convergent."
   "Come, come," said Curly, "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take
you to the limit."
   "Never," gasped Polly.
   "Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew.  His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly
removed her discontinuities.  He stared at her significant places, and began
smoothing out her points of inflection.  Poor Polly.  The algorithmic method was
now her only hope.  She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit.  Her
convergence would soon be gone forever.
   There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator.  Curly's radius
squared itself; Polly's loci quivered.  He integrated by parts. He integrated by
partial fractions.  After he cofactored, he performed rungecutta on her.  The
complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration.  Curly
went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated
and became completely orthogonal.
   When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer
piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places.  But is was too
late to differentiate now.  As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased
monotonically.  Finally, she went to the L'Hopital and generated a small but
pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to
deviation.
   The moral of our sad story is this:
   'If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single
degree of freedom...'

-= sex humor =-=  168 =---------------------------------------------------------

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asked the hardware store clerk.
"Yes."  The clerk gestures with his finger.  "Can you come this way?"
"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

-= sex humor =-=  169 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was
reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says
to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female
achieves orgasm?"
   She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
   He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."  He then gets up and walks out,
leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
   About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always
squealing, how can I tell?"

-= sex humor =-=  170 =---------------------------------------------------------

A young country vet finally manages to convince a farmer the virtues of
artificial insemination.  On the day of the operation, the vet was curious when
the farmer hammers a hook onto a nearby beam of the barn.  When asked, the
farmer replied, "Err, this is for you to hang your pants on."

-= sex humor =-=  171 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Three guys are driving down the road and their car breaks down, so they went
to a farmer's house and asked if they could stay for the night.  The farmer said
okay but someone has to sleep with the chickens, someone has to sleep with the
cows, and someone has to sleep with his 18 daughters.  So one slept with the
chickens, one with the cows, and one with his 18 daughters.
   The next day, one said that he felt like he was a chicken, the other said
that he felt like a cow, and the third said he felt like golf ball.  The farmer
asked why he felt like a golf ball, to which the man replied that if you were in
and out of 18 holes in one night, you would feel like one too.

-= sex humor =-=  172 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Lady goes to buy a pet.  In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks for
the price.
   "This frog is worth $4000, madam."
   "WHAT?  Why is it so expensive?"
   "Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus."
   "I see... I'll take it."
   So she takes the frog home, showers, puts on a silk gown, perfume, and opens
the box on the bed.  The frog doesn't perform; she calls the shop.  I'll be
right over, says the shopowner.  Moments later, the shopowner sees the problem,
and tells the frog, "ALL RIGHT NOW, look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you!

-= sex humor =-=  173 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male
volunteers told him, "When I get it in part way, my vision blurs.  And when I
get it all the way in, I can't see a thing."
   "Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex," said the researcher.
"Would you mind if I had a look at it?"
   So the volunteer stuck out his tongue.

-= sex humor =-=  174 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Lawyer : Well Mr.Mouse, I don't really think that your wife Minnie having
bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce.
   Mickie : Who mentioned bucked teeth?  I said she was fucking goofy.

-= sex humor =-=  175 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband
is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do
about it.  The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might
do the trick.  She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and
come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
   The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill
worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever.  She asks her therapist
what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she
doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
   The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would
happen if she gave him five pills.  The therapist says she doesn't know, but to
go ahead and try it.
   The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that
the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband
the rest of the bottle.  The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an
experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle
of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
   A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the
dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
   "Why, yes, young man, I did.  Why?"
   "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in
the corner going, 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'"

-= sex humor =-=  176 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.
"This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor," he said, "Maybe you can do something
for her?  She goes for any man, any age, any time, any where...and it is just
driving me crazy with jealousy."
   "We'll see," the therapist said.  He directed the wife into his examining
room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed.  Then he told
her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
   The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan.  It was too
much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.
   The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination
room.  Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight
of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.
   "Doctor, what are you doing?!?" he asked.
   Flustered, the therapist replied, "Oh, it's you!  I'm only taking your wife's
temperature!"
   The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately
on his sleeve.  "Well, doc," he said, "when you take that thing out, it better
have numbers on it!"

-= sex humor =-=  177 =---------------------------------------------------------

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the
sociologists at the state university.  They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge
chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a
family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set
up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires
and such.  While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort,
the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee.
He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he
told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any
idea why the birth rate was so high.  "Sure," said the druggist.  "Every morning
the six o'clock train comes through here and blows the horn for the crossing. It
wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too
early to get up."

-= sex humor =-=  178 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman is nearly caught with her lover when her husband comes home early.
To hide her lover, she puts him in the closet.  While in the closet, the lover
soon learns that he is not alone.  The breathing he hears belongs to, he
discovers, the woman's young son.
   "Gee, it's dark in here, sir," said the boy.
   "Geez, kid, please shut up," replied the nervous man.
   "Well, mister, I think I'm gonna scream."
   "Please, kid, don't scream."
   "Can I have some money?" asked the boy.
   "Well, here, here's five dollars, it's all I've got."
   The boy, sensing that the man was lying, pressed on.
   "I really feel like screaming."
   "No, kid, look, here's fifty dollars, just don't scream."
   "Well, I don't know"
   "Here's the last of my money, just don't scream."
   The boy, satisfied, agreed to be quiet.  At last, the husband left and the
man was able to make a hasty exit.
   Later, the boy went with his mother to a store where a brand new bike was on
sale.  When he tried to buy it with his new-found cash, his mother became
suspicious of the source of this money and scolded him.  The boy refused to
reveal the source of the money.  So, being a "good" Christian, she took him in
to see the local pastor in confession.
   "Gee," said the boy, not used to being in the confessional, "it sure is dark
in here."
   "Now, don't start that with me again," said the priest.

-= sex humor =-=  179 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl.  She was reciting
her confession and it was getting to be too much arousal for him. He told her to
come with him to his room.  There, he placed his arm around her.
   "Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.
   "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.
   "Hmmm," said the priest.  He gave her a long French kiss.
   "Did he do this?"
   "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said.
   "Did he do this?" the priest asked as he lifted he skirt and fingered her
bush.
   "Yes, Father, and worse."
   By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused.  He pulled the girl down
onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he asked, "Did he
manage to do this?"
   "Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl.
   When the priest had finished with the girl ten minutes later, he asked, "He
did this too, and worse?  My dear, what worse could he have done?"
   "Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me
syphilis and I went to the clinic yesterday and tested HIV positive!"

-= sex humor =-=  180 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door
open.  The woman says, "It's my husband!  You'd better hide."
   She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains.  Her
husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up.  He
looks around, and sees a big bulge in the curtains, and a pair of feet sticking
out underneath.  He whips the curtains open, and says, "Who the hell are you?"
   The man says, "I'm the moth inspector."
   The husband says, "Moth inspector?  Why are you naked?"
   The man looks down and says, "Damn.  I'm too late."

-= sex humor =-=  181 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A teenager who delivers newspapers is having a steamy affair with an naughty
wife that lives on his daily route.  One afternoon, the boy pulls up to the
wife's house on his bicycle for his daily rendezvous and they are deep into
doing the wild thing when the wife hears her husband's car unexpectedly pull up
onto the driveway.
   "Quick!  Get dressed!  Umm...uh..oh dear, he's gonna come in any minute now.
Here, take all these clothes into that other room and start ironing them." the
wife frantically yelled to the boy.
   So the boy takes the pile of shirts into the adjoining room where there's an
ironing board set up and starts to iron a shirt right as the husband walks in.
   "Oh hi, honey!" the wife tells her husband as relaxed as possible.  "I've
hired John over here today to help me with some household chores.  So what
brings you home so early?"
   "Well, I have a bit of a headache and decided to come home early to rest."
replied the husband as he laid down on the bed and fell asleep after a few
minutes.  So the teenager proceeded to iron ten shirts and eight dress slacks
and then left the house, winking at the wife as he rode away on his bike.
   Later that day, the teenager was at the local bar, boasting about how he had
gotten away cleanly from his afternoon liaison when the bottled water
deliveryman walked in and overheard the conversation.
   "What house did you say you were at bopping the wife and then ironing the
shirts and pants?" asked the deliveryman.  "Was the house on the corner of
Claridge Drive.  The one with the red trim and bay window?"
   "Yeah, yeah, that's the house." replied the teen.  "Uh, why do you ask?"
   "Well, gosh, I just washed those clothes yesterday!"

-= sex humor =-=  182 =---------------------------------------------------------

Joe: How'd you get so beaten up, and with a black eye?
Moe: I coughed.
Joe: How could that give you a black eye?
Moe: I was hiding in a closet.

-= sex humor =-=  183 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This husband kisses his wife goodbye and drove off to work. Halfway there, he
remembered that he forgot something.  So he turned the car around and drove back
home.
   When he walked back into the bedroom of his house, there was his wife, lying
totally nude on the bed and the milkman standing totally nude beside her.
   The milkman promptly went into a squatting position on the rug and said, "I'm
glad you're here, Mr. Smith, because I was just telling your wife that if she
doesn't pay the milk bill, I'm gonna shit all over the floor."

-= sex humor =-=  184 =---------------------------------------------------------

Having fallen asleep at his lover's apartment, John knew his wife would kill him
if he didn't have a good excuse.  So he quickly phones her and shouts, "Don't
pay the ransom, honey!  I've escaped!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  185 =---------------------------------------------------------

He: Wanna have a quickie?
She: As opposed to what?

-= sex humor =-=  186 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man came home from work early one day and found his wife naked and panting
on the bed.
   "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!"
   While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying three
year old son, who told him that there was a naked man in the closet.  He ran to
the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend.
   "Damn it, Jim," he shouted, "Karen's having a heart attack and here you are
scaring the hell out of the kids!"

-= sex humor =-=  187 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the
avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady
walking ahead of them.  One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give
$50.00 to spend the night with that woman."  Much to their surprise, the young
lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on
that."  She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.  The
following morning, the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other
$25.00, I'll sue you for it."  He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it
on these grounds."
   The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.  He hurried to his lawyer and
explained the details of the case.  His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a
judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her
case will be presented."
   After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as
follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property,
a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she
agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of
$50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for
the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid
only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since
it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant
to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and
amused by the way his opponent had presented the case.  His defense, therefore,
was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.  "Your
honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property,
that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived
from the transaction.  However, my client found a well on the property around
which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor
performed personally by him.  We claim these improvements to the property were
sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately
compensated for rental of said property.  We, therefore, ask that judgement not
be granted."  The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property.  However, had the
defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the
property.  Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones,
pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him.  In doing so, he not only
dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than
it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to
others.  We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted."
   And it was.  She won the case...

-= sex humor =-=  188 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly
isolated location in the desert.  After a couple of weeks without seeing a
single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action.
   "Well, hell boy, just use the camel, like everyone else," the sergeant
replied.
   Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place.
"What do you think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says.
   The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself."
   A couple of weeks pass by.
   And the pressure is just a-building in the loins of private Weston.  He again
approaches his sergeant.  "Serg, you just gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna
bust."
   The sergeant says, "Look boy, I told ya, if you want some action, go use the
camel."
   Weston goes over to the camel.  He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and
dirt surrounding the camel's butt.  "Nope, still not that desperate," he says to
himself and walks away.
   More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant.
   Before he can speak, the sergeant yells, "Look Weston, I'm not telling you
again.  Either use the camel or forget it!"
   Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel.  "Well at least its a large,
furry, female mammal," he thinks.  He walks behind the camel and goes at it.
   After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly shaken and says,
"Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town and pick up girls."
   He was promoted to Colonel a week later.

-= sex humor =-=  189 =---------------------------------------------------------

A baby chick asks his mother, "Am I people?"
Mother replies, "No, you are a chicken."
Baby chick asks, "Was I born?"
Mother replies, "No, you were laid."
Baby chick asks, "Are people laid?"
Mother replies, "Not all, some are chicken."

-= sex humor =-=  190 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The new recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert.  He
asked his corporal what the men did for recreation.
   The corporal smiled wisely and said, "You'll see."
   The young man was puzzled.  "Well, you've got more than a hundred men on this
base and I don't see a single woman."
   "You'll see," the corporal repeated.
   That afternoon, three hundred camel were herded into the corral.  At a
signal, the men seemed to go wild.  They all leaped into the corral and began to
screw the camels.
   The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm.  "I see
what you mean, but I don't understand," he said. "There must be three hundred of
those camels and only a hundred of us.  Why is everybody rushing?  Can't a man
take his time?"
   "What?!?" exclaimed the corporal, startled. "And get stuck with an ugly one?"

-= sex humor =-=  191 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A seven-year-old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a
shower.
   "Daddy, daddy, what's that," she said pointing at his genitalia.
   "Oh, uhhmm, it's a... hedgehog!" he embarrassingly replied.
   "Well, it's got a hell of a big dick," she snapped back.

-= sex humor =-=  192 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A little kid goes up to his mother who is lying in the bath naked, and asks
her: "Mummy...whasat??"
   His mother thinks for a little while and then says: "Oh, son...that's my
hedgehog."  And the little boy walks away quite happy with the reply.
   The next week, he walks into the bathroom and sees his wrinkly old grandma
lying naked in the bath.  He asks her what she had between her legs, and again
she tries to explain that it's a hedgehog.
   The little kid then runs screaming to his mother and shouts: "Mummy, Mummy,
Grandma's hedgehog is dead!"
   "Why do you say that son?"
   "Because I could see it's guts hanging out all over the place!"

-= sex humor =-=  193 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A little girl watched her dad take a shower.  She asked him about his
testicles.
   "Those are my apples, dear," he told her.
   The girl told her mom what dad had said and her mom then asked her, "Did he
tell you about the dead limb they're hanging on?"

-= sex humor =-=  194 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A young girl saw her mother showering and then pointed to her mom's private
part and asked, "Mom, what's that?"
   Her mom answers, "I'll tell you after you grow up."
   Later, the young girl saw her naked daddy in the bathroom and pointed to his
private part and asked, "Dad, what's that?"
   Her dad answers, "I'll tell you after you grow up."
   Then she continued asking, "What's it used for?"
   Her dad looked around and answers, "I'll show you after mommy goes out."

-= sex humor =-=  195 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Three guys wanted to compare their the length of their penis.  So, they
climbed up to the highest building in the city.
   The first one yelled, "Mine's longer than yours cuz it stretches ten floors!"
   Then, the second guy yelled, "No, mine's longer!!  Mine goes to 30 floors!"
   But the third guy remained quiet.  So, the others asked what he was doing. He
answered, "Dodging traffic!"

-= sex humor =-=  196 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The day befor Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting.
   The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits."
   She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you
bastard."
   Well, the little boy heard every word they said.  After they got done
fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards were.
She told him that they were people.  Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy
tits were.  She told him that they were coats and hats.  The little boy accepted
both answers and went on his way.
   The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and
family.  The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving.  The dad cut
himself and said, "Shit!"  Well once again, the boy started asking questions and
asked what 'shit' was.  The father told him that it was "shaving cream".  The
boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were his mom was stuffing a turkey.
When the mom cut herself with a knife, she said, "Fuck!"  The boy once again
asked what 'fuck' was.  She told him that it was "stuffing".  About that time,
the door bell rang.
   When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents.  Upon
opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards.  Let me take
your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you.  Dad's upstairs putting shit on his
face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

-= sex humor =-=  197 =---------------------------------------------------------

Snow White has been thrown out of Fairyland.  She was caught sitting on
Pinocchio's face shouting, "Lie you little sod, lie!!"

-= sex humor =-=  198 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There was a girl named Cinderella and she was very sleazy having her way with
all the men of the village.  Her fairy godmother told her that if she did not
stop, she would never marry a dashing prince, so Cinderella said she would stop.
   Three weeks had gone by and Cinderella keep her word but could not go on any
longer.  She invited the blacksmith and his two assistants up to her bedroom. Of
course, this is when her fairy godmother appeared and was very angry.  She
changed Cinderella's vaginal area into a pumpkin.
   The very next day, when the fairy godmother appeared, Cinderella was all
smiles and happy as can be.  The fairy godmother asked her why she was so happy
and Cinderella replied she had just meet Peter Peter.

(Hint for the clueless: Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater)

-= sex humor =-=  199 =---------------------------------------------------------

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes
coffee, and has a cigarette.  Suddenly the phone rings.  Her boyfriend is coming
over.  She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on
the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed.  The parrot, from under the cloth:
"Well that was a short fuckin' day!"

-= sex humor =-=  200 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man went into the bar.  He said to the barman, "I want to celebrate my
first blow job, so give me a double whiskey."  So he drank it straight down.
   He then ordered two more, then another two and then another two again...
   The barman asked, "You sure you've had enough?"
   The man replied, "Just enough to take the taste away."

-= sex humor =-=  201 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A scientist calls his assistant in and tells him, "I've created an apple that
tastes like pussy!  I think I'll market it and call it something like 'Forbidden
Fruit brand apples'"
   The assistant says, "Great, let me have a bite!"  He takes a bite and quickly
spit's it back out.  "That tastes like shit!"
   "Oh." says the scientist, "Turn it over."

-= sex humor =-=  202 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death.  She decided
she wanted to get married again.  But, she didn't know any eligible men.  So
she decided to put an ad in the newspaper.  The ad contained three criteria:

    1. The man would not beat her.  (like her previous husband)
    2. The man would not run around on her.  (like her previous husband)
AND 3. The man was good in bed.

   The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the
doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair.  She asked the man if she could help
him and he said he was there to respond to the ad.  Madge asked the man what ad
he was talking about.  He said the ad for the Husband.  Then Madge told him that
there were specific needs in the ad.  The man in the wheelchair replied:

    1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you.
    2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you.

   Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterium the ad."  The man
in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

-= sex humor =-=  203 =---------------------------------------------------------

   I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation and how she
would have to make cutbacks...
   Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without
the ironing lady.
   She: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the
gardener.

-= sex humor =-=  204 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Lying in bed with his wife, the farmer stroked her bare breasts and said,
"Y'know, Maybelle, if these gave milk, we could sell the cow."
   Sighing, Maybelle lay her hand on her husband's crotch.  "And if this stayed
hard a little longer, we could fire the farmhand."

-= sex humor =-=  205 =---------------------------------------------------------

A girl was in the shower she saw her mom's tits, and she asked when she would
get some like hers.  The mom replied that when she was 16, she would get tits.
Later that day the girl took a shower with her dad.  She asked what his penis
was, and he told her that it was a dick.  The girl paused asking her dad when
she would get a dick, and the dad answered as soon as your mother left!

-= sex humor =-=  206 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from
around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and
proceeds to pee in the toilet.  Well, Bubba was rather well endowed and
curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look.  Sure enough,
Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
   The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick
get that big?  I couldn't help but notice..."
   Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost
three times.  Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"
   The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly
wait to try it himself!  Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it
out and banged it on the bedpost three times.  He was just climbing into bed
with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her
eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?"

-= sex humor =-=  207 =---------------------------------------------------------

   John came home from work early to find his wife stark naked in bed.
   "What are you doing in bed, honey?" he asked.
   "Well," she said, "I have absolutely nothing to wear."
   "Now honey, that's nonsense," said John, pulling open the closet door.  "Just
look in here.  There's a nice red dress, a blue pants suit, your new green
dress, Hi, Frank, your flowered sundress..."

-= sex humor =-=  208 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This guy is visiting his old friend and wife for dinner.  When it came time
to leave, he car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service
station.  So the husband urged the guy to stay for the night and attend to the
car tomorrow morning.  The only problem was that there was no spare bed, not
even a sofa, in the house.  So the guy had to sleep with the husband and wife.
   No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped the guy on the
shoulder and motioned for him to join her at her side of the bed.
   "I can't do that!" he whispered, "Your husband is right HERE!!!"
   "Listen!" she whispered back, "He sleeps like a rock.  Nothing short of a
loud alarm clock can wake him up."
   "I don't believe that" the guy whispered back.  "Certainly, if I got on top
of you and we started screwing, he'll wake up."
   "Well, if you don't believe me, pluck out a strand of hair from his scalp and
see if it wakes him."
   So the guy did just that.  The husband didn't even move a bit.  So the guy
tiptoed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucks her.  When they are
finished, he tiptoes back to his side of the bed.  But ten minutes later, the
wife taps the guy on the shoulder again and beckons him over again.  Again, the
guy pulls out another single strand of the husband's hair to check if he is
still asleep.  This went on eight more times during the night.  Each time the
guy screwed the wife, he first plucked a strand of hair from the husband's
scalp.
   Finally, on the ninth time the guy pulls a hair strand out, the husband awoke
and muttered, "Listen, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but will ya
stop using my head as a scoreboard!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  209 =---------------------------------------------------------

Various Ways To Say "Having Sex"

assault with a friendly weapon, bang, be the rug doctor, beaver shoot, bend her
over and load her like a shotgun, bit-o-the-ol'-in-out, bite the bearded clam,
bob the knob, boink, bone her like a tied yard-dog, bone smuggle, bop, bore out
the cylinder, bottom knockin', bounce the Brillo, break her open like a shotgun,
buff the helmet, buff, bump uglies, bump the fuzz, bury a bone, bury the beef
bayonet, bury the hatchet, bust that body, butter her muffin, carpet munch,
check her oil, clean the carpet, clean the clam, cuttin' a slice, dance the
buttock jig, dent the egg, dine on hair pie, dine out, dip your wick, dip the
plowshare, do it, do the horizontal lambada, do the horizontal mambo, do the
Posterpedic polka, do the Sealy serenade, do the wild thing, do it, do the
nasty, do the Slick Willie, dueling bedsprings, eat a furburger, eat a
muffburger, eat at the Y, eat pussy, feed the bear, fenork, fit pipe, flat
dancing, fool around, fuck, fuzz bust, get a leg over, get honey on your
stinger, get laid, get licked, get oil on your dipstick, get some, get the jimmy
waxed, get the wick wet, get your bone honed, get your noodle wet, get you ashes
hauled, get your bunny boiled, get your canoe shellacked, get your horns filed,
get your weiner wet, gettin' busy, get some, give an Australian kiss (a kiss
down under), give her the time, give her a pearl necklace, go all the way, go
like a rat up a rhododendron, goin' horizontal, go for a ride in the fur lined
canoe, grease the shaft, hammerin', have a fish supper, have a go at it, have a
poke, have sausage and eggs between the legs, have his tires rotated, have lunch
at the Y - it's a box lunch - furburgers!, Hawaiian muscle fuck (titty-fuck),
hide and shriek, hide the hotdog, hide the salami, hide the sausage, hobble,
horizontal folk dance, hose, jump her bones, lay cable, lay pipe, lay the hen,
let's go "whale some babes"!, lick the plate, lickety split, make babies, make
it, make the beast with two backs, mow the lawn, muff dive, negotiate the
forested chasm, park his car in her garage, park the pink Cadillac, pin her legs
back like a Safeway chicken, play doctor, play hide and seek, play hide the
salami, play mattress tag, poke the sushi, poke the whisker biscuit, poke the
yolk, pop you cock, post up, practice parallel park in bed, pump, put his snake
through her grass, receive swollen property, ride the baloney pony, ride the
skin bus into tuna town, ridin' broomsticks, ring the cash register, romp, rope
a poke, rug munchin', saturate the ferrod, screw, sharpen the pencil, hasn't had
her ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs, shish kebabbing, sink
the pink, slam her clam, slam some ham, slice the muffin, slip her the hot beef
injection, slip her the tubesteak, slip her the whale, slip the salami, snake
her, so horny I have to stand on my hands to pee, so horny the crack of dawn
isn't safe, some nookie-nookie honey, speak into the mike, splooge-spunk-gack-
splooey, spread the wild oats, stick your tongue/dick in the holiest of holies,
stoke her yoke, strop one's beak, stuff her muff, stuff the bunny, suck a
popsickle, swallow the swan, take ole one-eye to the optometrist, take the log
to the beaver (from "Grumpy Old Men"), take the skin boat to tuna town, tame her
shrew, tap your tailpipe, tempt your tummy with the taste of nuts and honey
(oral sex), tube steak boogie, varnish one's cane, wax your candle, work the
hairy oracle, yodel in the valley

Ways To Say "penis"

acme dynamic love wand, banger, bearded clam digger, beaver cleaver, bed flute,
beef bayonet, beef pipe, beef stick, beef tube, big jim & the twins, big bopper,
bill gates, bologna, bone, bushwhacker, cervical probe, charger, cheese
enchilada, chopper, charger, chopper, cock, cod, codfish, courting tackle,
crank, crescent roll, crotch Cadillac, crotch rocket with multiple warheads,
custard chucker, cyclops, dangle snake, dick, diddle, dill, dinger, dinghy,
dingle-dangle, dink, dinky, dipstick, dong, donger, donkle, doodle, dork, flesh
probe, flesh torpedo, flicker, frank, fuckpole, fuckstick, generation generator,
german soldier, gherkin, guided missile, guided muscle, gun, hand tube, heat
seeking moisture missle, hermit, hershey highway trucker, his little highness,
hog-leg, hogg, hoorah bone, hot beefer, hot knob, hot pencil, hyperspermic beef
syringe, virgin breaker, jewels, jimmy, jock, john thomas, johnson, knob, kuza,
kuzzer, lance, life-giver, little dick and the two swingers, little fellow,
liver snake, log, loggerhead, love bat, love commando, love gun, love lever,
love missile, love muscle, love rod, love sausage, love stick, love truncheon,
love wand, man trunk, manhood, meat, meat cigar, meat whistle, middle leg,
moisture-seeking meat missile, monkey, Mr. Happy, Mr. Peebody, Mr. Wiggly, Mr.
Wonkey, muff-stick, muscle missile, mushroom cap, mutton, mutton gun,
muttondagger, nick, old man, one-eyed blue veined yogurt thrower, one-eyed jack,
one-eyed trouser snake, one-eyed trouser trout, one-eyed wonder whacker,
one-eyed yogurt shooter, organ, pecker, pee-pee, pee-pistol, peppito, percy,
peter, phallic thimble, phallus, piston, piston-stick, pleasure pump, plonker,
pneumatic love drill, pole, pork bus, pork cigar, pork sword, porker, power
tool, prick, prod, prong, pud, pulsating pleasure prodder, purple headed love
truncheon, purple headed warrior, purple helmet warrior, putz, ramrod, red hot
beef injection, rod, roker, roman candle, ronnie, ruby-crested sap spitter,
russell the wonder muscle, rutter, salami, sausage, schlong, schlongstucker,
schwanz, shaft, shimmering python of love, short arm, shreny, skin flute, smelly
todger, snorkel, spear, sperm encrusted fuck stick, staff, stanley, steaming
love truncheon, steel sunderer, steeple, stick, supermicro, swanky frankie,
swollen schwanz, syringe, talleywhacker, teeny weenie, the bishop, the
inseminator, the kielbasa kid, the old fatty, the ol' skivvie lizard, the
tone-man, thing, thingy, third leg, tool, torpedo, trouser snake, trouser trout,
tube, tube steak, underworm, virgin breaker, wally the wonder worm, wand,
wandolier, wang, wanger, wanker, warhead, watch tower, weapon, wee willie
winkie, wee-wee, wench wrench, whatsit, wheeny, whip, whizzer, wiener, willy,
wingus, winkie, winkle, winky, wong, wrinkled-neck trout

Ways To Say "condom"

battle armor, battle helmet, doms, hat, helmet, jim hat, jimmy hat, latex, party
hat, prophylactic, protection, raincoat, rubber, trojan,

Ways To Say "vagina"

axe wound, bearded clam, beaver, beef curtains, black hole, box, bush, cat,
clunge, cockpit, cockwash, cooch, cuda, cumbucket, cumcatcher, cunt, dirty
hatchet wound, fish tank, fluffy, front bottom, furry hoop, garden, gash,
ground-zero grotto, gutted snapper, hairy donut, hairy donut, hairy pie, hairy
taco, hamburger, hole, honey pot, kipper, love muffin, love nest, love tunnel,
mons veneris, "Oh Stanley!" (from Andrew Dice Clay), muff, pecker trap, piece,
piss flaps, playpen, pleasure pouch, poon, poontang, tang, puss, pussy, quim,
rumpleteaser, salmon sandwich, semen sieve, sex, shank, shaven haven, skanch,
skank, slit, snapper, snatch, spermdump, squirrel, stoat, tang, tank, toss, tuna
taco, tuna tunnel, twat, vaj, venison, wet one, wound, whisker biscuit

Ways To Say "masturbation"

audition the finger puppets, backstroke roulette, bash the candle, be a virtuoso
of the skin flute, beat off, beat the bishop, beat the dummy, beat the meat (how
can you have any pudding if you don't beat your meat? - Pink Floyd), beat the
stick, beat up your date, beef-stroke-it-off, bleed the weed, blow the head off
of Charles the 1st, blow your load, bludgeon the beefsteak, bop the baloney, box
the jesuit and get cockroaches, boxin' the bald champ, buff the banana, burp the
baby, burp the worm, butter the corn, choke Kojak, choke the chicken, choke the
sheriff and wait for the posse to come, clamp the pipe, clean your rifle, cleave
the cleft (female), climb Mount Baldy, closet Frisbee, come into your own, cook
the cream of cock, corral the tadpoles, couch hockey for one, crank the shank,
crimp the wire, crown the king, cuff the carrot, diddle, do a hand job, do
battle with the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love, do handiwork, do the hand jive
on ole willy, do the janitor thing, drain the monster, engage in safe sex,
finger the fun hole (female), fist fuck, fist your mister, five knuckle shuffle,
flap the lips (female), flog the dog, flog the dong, flog the hog, flog your
mule, fondle the fig, friggit, gallup the antelope, genitalic stimulation via
phallengetic motion, get a date with Slick Mittens, get the German soldier
marching, get to know yourself, give it a tug, go a couple of rounds with ol'
josh, go blind, go on a date with Handrea and Palmela, grease the pipe, hack the
hog, have a conversation with the one-eyed trouser snake, have a date with Fisty
Palmer, have a date with Rosie Palm and her five sisters, have a J. Arthur
(British special, after J. Arthur Rank, it's rhyming slang), have it off, have
sex with someone you love, hitchhike to heaven, hitchhike under the big top,
hold the sausage hostage, hug the hog, hump your hose, jack hammer, jack off,
jazz yourself, jerk off, jerkin' the Gerkin, jilling off (female; as opposed to
'jacking off'), juggling the coullions, meat with Mother Thumb and her four
daughters, meat with Tom Thumb and his four sons, knuckle shuffle on the ol'
piss pump, lope the mule, make instant pudding, make the bald man puke, make
your own glue, mangle the midget, manipulate the mango, manual override, master
bacon, meet Rosie Hancock, milk the cow, milk the lizard, mount a corporal and
four, nerk your throbber, null the void, oil the glove, onan's olympics, pack
your palm, paddle the pickle, paddle your own canoe (female), paint the ceiling,
paint the pickle, part the pubes (female), pat the bunny (female), pat the puff
(female), peel the banana, peel some chilies, perform diagnostics on your
ManTool, play a little five-on-one, play in a one-man show, play five against
one, play pocket pinball, play pocket pool, play the furry fiddle (female), play
the slots (female), play tug-of-war with the cyclops, play Uno, please your
pisser, plunk your twanger, polish Percy in your palm, polish the family jewels,
polish the rocket, polish the sword, polish your baguette, pound off, pound the
bald-headed moose, pound the pud, pound your flounder, pull off, pull rank, pull
the carrot, pull the cord, pull the five-knuckle shuffle, pull the goalie, pull
the pole, pull the pope, pull your prick, pull your taffy, pump the python,
punchin' the munchkin, ram the ham, ride the great white knuckler, roll your
own, rope the pony, rope the pope, rub off, rub one out, rub the nub (female),
rub the rug (female), run off a batch by hand, run the third leg, sacrifice
sperm to the god of lonely nights, scour the tower of power, scratch the cat
(female), self abuse, self-induced penile regurgitation, shag, shake hands with
the unemployed (from George Carlin), shake hands with your John Thomas, shake
hands with your wife's best friend, shemp the hog, shift gears, shine the
helmet, shine your pole, shoot putty at the moon, shoot skeet (pull...shoot),
shoot the moon, slakin' the bacon, slam the clam (female), slam the ham, slam
the spam, slammin' the salmon, slap high fives with Yul Brynner, slap the
carrot, slap the clown, slap the donkey, slap the pud, slap the salami, slappin'
pappy, sling the jelly, snap the monkey, snap the rubber, snap the whip, solo
sex, spank the frank, spank the monkey, spank the salami, squeeze the cheese,
squeeze the juice, stinky pinky, stir the yogurt, stoke it, stroke it, stroke
off, stroke the one-eyed burping gecko, stroke the dog, stroke the satin-headed
serpent, stroke your poker, strumming (female), take matters into your own
hands, take the monster for a one-armed ride, take part in population control,
tease the weenie, tenderize the tube steak, test the testicles, test your
batteries, the art of Unisex, tickly my fancy, tickle the pickle, tickle the
taco (female), toss off, toss the turkey, twang the wire, thump the pump, tweak
your twinkie, varnish the flagpole, wack the one-eyed worm, wack the weasel,
wack the willie, walk the dog, walk the plank, wank, wax the carrot, wax the
dolphin, wax your surfboard, whack off, whip off, whip the dummy, whip the wire,
whip up some sour cream, whip your dripper, whip your skippy, whizzin' jism,
wixen, wonk your conker, work off, wrestle the eel, wring out your rope, wrist
aerobics, yank off, yank the crank, yank your plank, yank the yoyo

-= sex humor =-=  210 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or
lake, paying no attention to weather.
   One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual.  It was
cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house.  He came in, went
to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
   "What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her.
   "Yes. And my idiot went fishing!"

-= sex humor =-=  211 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A young boy asks his Grandmother how old she is, to which she replies,
"That's none of your business."
   So he asks her how much she weighs and again she replies, "That's none of
your business."
   So he asks her why she and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms.  Grandma gets
angry at this point and sends him off to play.
   The boy goes straight to his Grandpa and explains what happened and his
grandpa tells him that Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to
know to, sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse.
   Later, the little boy approaches Grandma and says, "I know that you are 64
years old, weigh 147 pounds, and that the reason you don't sleep with Grandpa is
because you got an "F" in 'Sex'!!!

-= sex humor =-=  212 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
   "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline.  Do you use it at
all in your household?"
   "Oh yes, all the time.  It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
   "Do you use it for anything else?"
   "Like what?"
   "Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
   "Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids
out."

-= sex humor =-=  213 =---------------------------------------------------------

From The Economist:

   France's greatest lexicographer, Emile Littre', was once found by his wife,
in flagrante, and in the conjugal bedroom at that, with their housemaid.
   Happily, the exchange that followed makes sense almost as well in English as
in French.
   "Emile," cried Mrs Littre', "I am surprised!"  "No, my dear," replied the
erring lexicographer calmly.  "You are astonished.  It is we who are surprised."

-= sex humor =-=  214 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.  "You aren't
so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.  By midmorning, he
decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.  After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
   "What took you so long to answer?"
   "I was in bed."
   "What were you doing in bed this late?"
   "Getting a second opinion."

-= sex humor =-=  215 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide
decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been in his
family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not too bright
only son and heir take over the running.
   When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for you
to take over the running my business, the business that has been in this family
for generations.  Come, I have some things to show you," and with that led his
son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook his work.  The son
looked around the room and found a number of strange machines, ranging from the
very old to the very modern.
   His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain:
   "Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather.
With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred sausages
would come out the other end.  These sausages were renowned throughout the whole
of Paris!"
   And with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and
continued with his explanation:
   "This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself.  With
this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages would
come out the other end.  These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of
Provence!"
   He next led his son to the third most modern machine:
   "This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself.  With this
machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep coming out
the other end in their millions.  These sausages are renowned worldwide."
   He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running
of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your own
machine."
   The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard
about what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family
business.  Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an
idea.  How about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an
ass comes out the other."
   His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy,
such a machine already exists - it's your mother!"

-= sex humor =-=  216 =---------------------------------------------------------

CEO document contents:

Document Reference: IPA/IN/666  Issue: Draft 42  Date: 15/04/83 No of Pages 4.
Author(s):  Kurt Jenner                          Status:  Definitive

Summary:
This IN describes the "API Contracept Strategy" which is the exact Converse of
the "IPA Intercept Strategy." Various contracept methods are described, and it
is concluded that an "Exocept" (Counter Contracept) Strategy may be based on a
recognition of these.

1.  Introduction
    ------------

The IPA Intercept Strategy has been widely publicized. It also appears that many
other organizations are taking a similar approach to OSI Standardization.
However, it has been discovered that some organizations are also practising the
converse of this: the API (Active Prevention of Inter-working) Contracept
Strategy. This little known strategy is operated secretly but most effectively,
and the purpose of this IN is to bring some of its method out into the open
where they can be recognized for what they are.

2.  The Conception
    --------------

The development of International Standards can be likened to the events of
conception, pregnancy and birth. At the outset, the decision to produce a
standard is made. There then follows frantic activity during which many
organizations compete to develop the standard. An International Standard can
usually trace many ancestors in its genes. Eventually the standard is born and
is given a name, which is generally quite prosaic but interestingly is always
called after the mother. The gestation period of an International Standard
depends on its mother and may be up to 5 years.

Many organizations develop their own standards, but the chief International ones
are ISO, CCITT, ECMA and ANSI. The prime focus for OSI Standardization, ISO
(Internecine Strife Organization), sees the effect of both Intercept and
Contracept Strategies; it is not accidental that "ISO" is "OSI" backwards.  One
body that is very effective in getting its own way is CCITT (Comit'e pour
Conformance aux Ide'es T'el'ephiniques Totale).  However, ECMA (Effective
Contracept Methods Association), provides an excellent counter to CCITT
activities.  ANSI (American Nexus for Sub-committees In-fighting) finds itself
in the middle of opposing CCITT-like and ECMA-like views.

3.  Methods
    -------

3.1 Sterilization
    -------------

The intention here is to prevent rival organizations from producing any useful
ideas. As a rule this only delays rather than prevents effective output, but
time is of the essence in Standardization work. Sterilization methods require
attendance at rival organization meetings.  Some techniques used are:

- bogging down the meeting by discussing trivia and causing diversions onto
irrelevant topics.

- introducing contributions from other organizations and insisting that they be
evaluated for consistency with the work of the organization itself.

- sending enough people to the meeting to ensure that promising ideas are voted
down.


3.2 Abstinence
    ----------

This method aims to ensure the involuntary absence of rival organizations from
important meetings. This is generally not a reliable method, but is practised
because of its unsettling side-effects.  Its techniques include:

- holding meetings in inconvenient places (e.g. on the other side of the world)

- choosing meeting times to clash with those of rival organizations.

3.3 Rhythm Method
    -------------

This method is widely practised, but is not effective for contracept purposes on
its own. The essence of it is that regular attendance (hence the name) is made
at the meetings of rival organizations. The result is insinuation into the
organization so that its members forget that the insinuator is an outsider. The
ultimate success of the Rhythm Method is being appointed as Secretary (which is
a good position to be in if facts or views have to be distorted) or even as
Chairman.

3.4 Withdrawal
    ----------

This is a very risky contracept tactic and requires considerable courage.  The
principle is to withdraw totally from a discussion which is leading to contrary
ideas. If done properly, it not only undermines the confidence of the others in
the idea being debated, but also gives the "agent-provocateur" a chance to sow
the seeds of dissension elsewhere in other sub-groups.

3.5 The Sheath
    ----------

The SHEATH (System for Harassment of Enemies and Tying their Hands) is
reasonably reliable if used properly. When attempts to prevent a rival
organization from developing and bringing its own ideas to a meeting have been
unsuccessful, then various methods of frustrating effective delivery of these
ideas are available:

- ensuring that the rival organization does not get a fair hearing (it helps to
be Chairman of the meeting !)

- splitting the meeting into more sub-groups than there are members attending
from the rival organizations so that their contributions are dissipated.

3.6 The Cap
    -------

As a fall-back position it is possible to use the CAP (Competitor Annihilation
Programme), although it must be applied only after the situation has been
carefully sized up. The intention is to ensure that competitive ideas, although
properly presented, fall on deaf ears. To arrange this takes real skill, but
some ploys are:

- lobbying people before the meeting to make sure that their minds are already
made up

- diminishing the status of contributions by contriving that they are given as
individual rather than organization positions

- arranging for rival contributions to be made just after lunch or as late as
possible (once again, being Chairman helps!)

3.7 The IUD
    -------

IUD (Insidious Undermining of Discussion) methods come into play when, despite
all endeavours described above, a rival idea has taken root.  The best option in
this case is to cause so much confusion that the idea is swamped and forgotten.
The techniques of Sterilization (section 3.1) are relevant here although in a
different context, but some specialized IUD tactics are:

- querying definitions and terminology with a view to ensuring that everyone
doubts that he understands what anyone is talking about

- quibbling over editorial niceties and getting the original ideas lost in a
discussion of their form not their content.

3.8 The Pill
    --------

The PILL (Permanent Interference with Likely Leaders) is the summation of all
the contracept methods described in previous sections. It is very demanding to
sustain this, but more importantly not to get caught doing it. However, as the
very lack of recognition of contracept techniques demonstrates, the PILL can be
employed effectively and indetectably over a long period of time.

One particular development of the PILL demands description. This is the
Morning-After PILL, which is administered after the event if all else has
failed. No reliable method has been found of frustrating an idea once it has
been accepted, but research into this possibility is continuing.

4.  The Contracept Strategy
    -----------------------

The Contracept Strategy may be applied at three levels. First of all, it may be
used against competitive developments' at an early stage. Secondly, it may be
used to make others aware of the problem and help defeat it. Finally, it may be
used to make sure that rival ideas are not brought to fruition. This culminates
in a triple contracept. It is analogous to deciding which horse should lose,
backing against it and nobbling it.

5.  Conclusion
    ----------

This document has aired some of the methods of the Contracept Strategy.  By
doing so, it is hoped that it has brought this subterfuge to light and may form
the basis of an Exocept (counter-contracept) Strategy.

-= sex humor =-=  217 =---------------------------------------------------------

Ike, Mike and Mustard were on a weekend outing staying at The Olde Log Inn
resort.  Mustard decided to take a nature hike and ended up missing for two
days.  When he turned up in the local infirmary literally beaten to a pulp Ike
and Mike rushed to see what had happened.  According to Mustard, he had gotten
lost.  After wandering around for what seemed like hours he finally spotted a
parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat.  Unfortunately, the
last thing he remembers was sticking his head through the window and asking,
"How far is The Olde Log Inn?"

-= sex humor =-=  218 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A young couple got married and they've never made love before.  On their
wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man
seemed to be having some difficulty.  Finally, he starts to undress.  When he
takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and
scarred.
   So his wife says, "What happened to you?"
   The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles."  He then takes off his
socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.
   "Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife.
   "When I was a young boy, I had tolio."
   So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, "Don't tell
me.  Smallcox, right!?"

-= sex humor =-=  219 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy and a girl are in bed, screwing, when he says to her, "Turn over.  I
want to fuck you up the ass."
   "You want to fuck me up the ass?" she repeats, unbelievingly.  "Isn't that a
little presumptuous?"
   "Presumptuous?" he counters.  "Isn't that a big word for a seven-year-old?

-= sex humor =-=  220 =---------------------------------------------------------

George Burns is a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Oprah:  George, you're around 90 years old, and you still have women hanging all
        over you.  What's your secret?

Burns:  Well, Oprah, I'm simply the greatest lover in the world, and once a
        woman finds that out, she refuses to let me go.

Oprah:  Seriously, George... do you spoil them with lavish presents for being
        your sex toys?  I mean, I can't imagine a man of your age being the
        world's greatest lover!

Burns:  I am serious, Oprah... in fact, if you don't believe me, stop by my
        dressing room after the show and I'll show you first hand.

Oprah:  Ok, you're on.

After the show, Oprah stops by George's dressing room and they start to go at
it.  Oprah is having the time of her life, and George is really living up to his
claim.  After about two hours, George stops pumping...

Burns:  Listen, Oprah, I've gotta take a nap for a while, but if you keep both
        of your hands wrapped around my dick, I'll wake up soon and we can go at
        it again.

So she does, and after about a half hour George wakes up and they start going at
it again.  A while later, after Oprah's fourth orgasm, George takes another
breather and again says:

Burns:  Oprah, Oprah, you're holding up great, and I want to keep giving it to
        you, but I've gotta take another nap.  Hold my dick with both your
        hands, and when I wake up, we can go at it again.

Oprah:  Oh, George, you really are the greatest lover in the world, and I can
        understand why a man your age would need to take a break now and then,
        but I don't understand why I need to keep both hands on your dick while
        you're sleeping.

Burns:  That's easy, babe... the last time I had sex with a black girl in my
        dressing room, she stole my wallet while I was asleep.

-= sex humor =-=  221 =---------------------------------------------------------

Black guy to girlfriend: Lay down honey, I want to black top you.
Girlfriend: No way, I'm on the rag.
Black Guy: Then roll over and I'll asphalt ya.

-= sex humor =-=  222 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just talking
girl-talk.
   Emma:  My word Matilda!  You and Johnny were married for quite some time.
How many years was that anyway?
   Matilda:  Oh, we were married for 65 wonderous years.
   Emma:  My-oh-my-oh-my! But can you tell me in all that time, did you two ever
have mutual orgasm?
   Matilda:  I don't think so.  I believe we had State Farm.

-= sex humor =-=  223 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A pleasure boat captain leased out his craft and services to an old and
affluent man and his young, very beautiful mistress.  As misfortune would have
it, a storm wrecked the boat and stranded the three of them on some far away
island.  The island was quite small and had only one tree which was often used
to look-out for passing ships.
   The cramped quarters on the island made it very difficult for the captain to
pursue the young mistress.  Even if the old man was on look out, there was no
cover for him to take her and have his way.  She had already expressed her
desire to comply, but they could never get away from the view of the old man.
   Finally, the captain gets an idea.  The next time he is in the tree on look
out, he shouts down to the couple below, "Hey, stop having sex down there!"  The
next day, he does the same thing.  "Hey, stop having sex down there!" he says.
   This continues for a couple of more days until the old man takes watch.  As
soon as the old man is up the tree, the captain makes his move with the
mistress.  The old guy sees what's going on below and thinks to himself, "Gee,
from up here, it does look like they're having sex."

-= sex humor =-=  224 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy has been shipwrecked on a small deserted island with a pig and a dog.
After awhile, he starts getting kind of horny so he decides he has to screw one
of the two animals.  After a short debate with himself, he decides the pig is
his choice for a love doll.  He sets off chasing the pig and finally traps it.
He pulls down his pants and is just about to nail the pig up the pooper, when
the dog suddenly bites him in the ass!  The guy kicks the dog away but the pig
also gets away.  The guy traps the pig again after a long chase.  He pulls his
pants down again, and is just about to slip it the snake when the dog bites him
in the ass again!  Again, he has to let the pig go while he kicks the dog away.
The guy decides he has to come up with a plan to keep the dog away. He sits down
against a tree and begins to think, but he's so tired from chasing the pig, that
he falls asleep.
   The guy awakens an hour later to a beautiful fairy girl standing absolutely
naked in front of him.  She says, "I've been put here for one hour to do
anything for you, but only for an hour and then I must go grant someone else a
wish."
   The guy thinks a minute, then asks her, "Could you hold onto that dog for an
hour?"

-= sex humor =-=  225 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This guy goes to the local gym to slim up and lose some weight.  The various
weight reduction exercise plans offered by the gym seemed comprehensive.
   Our friend chose the cheapest scheme available which offered to reduce his
weight by 1 pound in just 1 hour.  He was lead to a room where a pretty girl was
standing bare naked.  She held a board which said, "You catch me, you can screw
me!"  The guy took up the challenge and started running after the girl.  He came
so near yet so far to catching the girl.  But she kept on eluding him.  One hour
passed and he still couldn't catch the girl.  The gym instructor measured the
guy's weight now and amazingly...his weight was reduced exactly by 1 pound.
   "This is not bad at all," the guy thought to himself, "I am losing weight and
having a good time."  This time, the guy opted for a little more expensive
scheme.  According to this scheme, he would lose 2 pounds in just 1 hour.  He
was escorted to another room and lo and behold!  Two young, pretty girls were
standing there absolutely naked!!  Each of them held a board which said, "You
catch me, you can screw me!"   The guy got very excited and started running
frantically after the girls.  He would pursue one girl for a while, and when she
would prove to too much for him, he would start pursuing the other. Somehow, one
hour went in a jiffy and the guy could not even touch them, let alone catch
them!  They took the guy's weight again and there it was!  He had, by then, lost
2 pounds more!
   By now, the guy's ego was badly hurt.  He called the gym manager and asked
him for the most expensive scheme they offered.  The manager guaranteed that the
guy would lose 10 pounds in 1 hour, but added that the scheme was extremely
dangerous. The guy couldn't care any less for dangers. By sheer law of averages,
he knew that the more expensive the scheme became, the more naked girls there
would be to chase, and the more would be his chances of catching at least one of
them and screwing her.  He asked the manager to take him immediately to the room
where the most expensive scheme is arranged, despite repeated warnings from the
manager.
   So he was taken to a room which was slightly far off.  They let him in and
locked the door from outside.  Waiting for him in the poorly lit narrow room was
a large gorilla, that held a board which said, "I catch you, I will screw you!"

-= sex humor =-=  226 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There's a woman who has a weight problem.  She's tried Weight Watchers,
faithfully followed the program, but to no avail.  She reads the newspaper and
sees an advertisement run by Fun Fitness Weight-Loss company who's offering $20,
$50, and $100 introductory specials.  Best yet, they guarantee that you will
lose weight that day or your money back!  Two pounds off guaranteed with the $20
special, five pounds off guaranteed with the $50 special, and a hefty ten pounds
melted away with the $100 special.  She needs to lose a total of 17 pounds, so
this program should work out just perfectly for her.  In three short visits, she
should lose all 17 pounds.
   She goes over to Fun-Fitness Company and begins by asking for the $20
special.  The receptionist takes her $20 and sends her into a room.  After a
while, a naked California surfer-type walks in and says, "If you can catch me,
you can have me."  So she chases him around the room, catches him after 20
minutes, and they "do the wild thing".
   She goes home, steps on her bathroom scale, and she has lost two pounds.
"This is great!", she exclaims, "and it beats the hell out of Weight Watchers.
Only two more exciting visits, and all 17 pounds will be gone!"
   The next week, she goes back to the same place and asks for the $50 special.
She is sent into another room where, after awhile, a tall, dark, and handsome
man walks in and says, "If you can catch me, you can have me."  So, she chases
him for 50 minutes, finally catches him, and they make mad, passionate love.
   A truly satisfied customer of the Fun-Fitness Company, she returns the next
week and tells the receptionist that she is ready for the $100 special.  The
receptionist warns her that this session lasts for a hefty one hour and forty
minutes and is VERY exhausting.  "Please, I can handle it, I'm ready!" she
exclaims.
   So the receptionist agrees and escorts her to yet a third room.  After a
while, Magic Johnson walks in and says, "If I can catch YOU..."

-= sex humor =-=  227 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A rather unappealing man somehow got deserted on a remote deserted island
with the lovely Elle McPherson.  She was initially repulsed by him but warmed up
when her 'needs' as a woman became too much to handle.  The two started having
sex like crazy, 5 or 6 times a day.
   A few months pass and the man makes a strange request by asking her if she
would allow him to paint a mustache on her face.  She doesn't see the harm in it
and he draws a big bushy mustache on her face.
   A few more weeks pass and he comes up with a second bizarre request, "Elle,
would you mind very much if I started calling you Dave?"
   She's slightly bewildered but agrees.  As she walks away, he taps her on the
shoulder and says, "Hey Dave, you're never gonna' believe who I'm bangin'!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  228 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There are three kinds of sex in a marriage.
   The first is Kitchen Sex.  This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll
have sex anywhere, anytime.  Hence, in the kitchen.
   The second kind is Bedroom Sex.  You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
you gotta do it in the bedroom.
   The third kind is Hallway Sex.  This is where you pass each other in the
hallway and say, "Fuck you."
   There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.  This is when you get
divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

-= sex humor =-=  229 =---------------------------------------------------------

There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and
Try Weakly

-= sex humor =-=  230 =---------------------------------------------------------

The two ages of man: the first time, you can't do it the second time; the second
time, you can't do it the first time.

-= sex humor =-=  231 =---------------------------------------------------------

For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know something
that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during
pregnancy.

During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
"What the heck is wolf style?" you ask.
That's when you sit by the hole and howl!

-= sex humor =-=  232 =---------------------------------------------------------

From a list of statistics in the September issue of Glamour Magazine...

1.  Most marriages occur in June.  The least number of marriages occur in
    January.
2.  If you are 18 and over, you have a 64% chance of marrying.
3.  Men are 37% more likely than women to remain single - at least until age 55.
4.  If you are a professional woman, you have a 55% chance you will find love in
    your office.  And, love that starts at work tends to last longer than
    romance that originates in a single's bar or health club.
5.  Men and women's peak years for marrying are between 25 and 29.  In second
    place for women: the years 20 to 24.  In second place for men:  30 to 34.
6.  Women have a 33% chance of marrying a younger man.  This is considerably
    higher than ten years ago.
7.  The chances of a marriage enduring forever are slim.  Median duration of a
    marriage in the U.S. is 7 years.
8.  Marriage after divorce?:  Women have a 78% chance of remarrying, while men
    have an 83% chance.  7% of women will remarry within 1 year, 35.7% within 3
    years, and 49.4% within 5 years.
9.  Women whose parents are divorced have 50% more likely to divorce than women
    whose parents stayed together.  For men, there is a 23% greater likelihood.
10. Premarital cohabitation increases the chance of divorce by 80%.  Some
    sociologists say this means that couples who lived together may not feel as
    "bound" by their vows.
11. People who marry at 24 are more likely to divorce than those who marry at
    34.  The divorce rate is particularly high for men and women who marry in
    their twenties, and declines steadily thereafter.
12. Your chances of marrying someone from another race are less than 1 in 50.
13. Only 6% of divorced women collect alimony.
14. In this age of AIDS, single women between 18 and 44 are sexually more
    active.
15. The immune systems of married women function better than those of unmarried
    women thereby lowering the risk of AIDS.  Happy marriages produce even
    healthier immune systems.
16. 85% of divorced or separated women say they are happy with their single
    status, while only 58% of the men are happy with theirs.
17. Women who are romance novel addicts have sex 74% more often than women who
    read less stimulating material.
18. American made condoms have a 12% failure rate while foreign models have a
    21% rupture rate.
19. 50% of single women approve of premarital sex.
20. Only 12% of women who are able to become pregnant are using no
    contraception.

-= sex humor =-=  233 =---------------------------------------------------------

This old couple Mavis and Ron are sitting at their front porch.
Mavis: Fuck you Ron.
Ron: Fuck you Mavis.
Mavis: Fuck you Ron.
Ron: Fuck you Mavis.

They continue for about 2 hours; finally, they stop.

Mavis: Well Ron, oral sex all it's cracked up to be?

-= sex humor =-=  234 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.  While he was sitting in
the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, "Have you done oral sex
lately?"
   The man replied, "Why yes, I did this morning actually.  How could you tell?
Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?"
   The dentist says, "No, not quite.  You've got some shit on the end of your
nose!"

-= sex humor =-=  235 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.  The blond confided that she
really likedher new boyfriend, but he had terrible dandruff.
   "Give him Head and Shoulders," said her brunette friend.
boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders"
   The blonde looked puzzled and then asked inquisitively, "How do you give
shoulders?"

-= sex humor =-=  236 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A boyfriend and girlfriend were visiting the zoo one day.  They stopped
outside the gorilla cage and decided to observe the gorilla's habits.  The
gorilla seemed bemused by the couple and just sat there doing absolutely
nothing.
   After several minutes of staring at the gorilla, the boyfriend said to his
girlfriend, "Lift up your blouse and show him your tits."
   The girlfriend, at first, refused but then decided that it might be amusing
to see how the gorilla would react.  She hoisted up her top and the gorilla
immediately raised his eyebrows.
   Seeing the gorilla's reaction the boyfriend said, "Drop your pants and show
him your ass."
   The girlfriend dropped her pants and showed the gorilla her ass. The gorilla
began to pant and had sweat pouring off his gorilla eyebrows. He started jumping
up and down and running around his cage.
   The boyfriend then said to his girlfriend, "Now drop your pants and show him
your pussy."
   The girlfriend hesitated for only a moment and then drop her pants and showed
the gorilla her pussy.  The gorilla was now going completely crazy with sweat
pouring off his brows and an enormous gorilla hard-on.  He was jumping up and
down frantically.
   The boyfriend then pushed his girlfriend into the cage!  She was shaking in
the corner and as the gorilla approached her, the boyfriend said, "Now tell him
you've got a headache!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  237 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man and his wife return home from a pleasant evening out and while she is
getting ready for bed, he slips down to the kitchen.  He returns a few moments
later with a glass of water, which he hands to her.
   "What's this for?" she asks, rather puzzled.
   "It's aspirin for your headache."
   "But I haven't got a headache..."
   "Aha!!  Gotcha!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  238 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life:
   Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in
wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
   Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in
chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
   Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my
dick on the curtains, and my wife, she goes wild.

-= sex humor =-=  239 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A couple were engaged in foreplay when the woman asked, "Why don't you make
my pussy talk?"
   "How do I do that?" asked her partner.
   "Put a tongue in it."

-= sex humor =-=  240 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Once upon a time there was a little sperm.  He lived with many thousands of
other litter sperm, but this little sperm was different.  He dreamed endlessly
of the glorious day (or night, most likely) when he and his friends would be
released to accomplish their great mission in life.  The man they inhabited,
however, practiced coitus interruptus, and at the moment of orgasm, the small
army found itself denied release.
   One night, the little sperm told his pals: "Enough of this!  The next time he
arrives at the point of orgasm, let's make a concentrated rush."
   The big moment arrived, but one of the vanguard yelled: "Back up!  Back up!
He's in the asshole!"

-= sex humor =-=  241 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Once upon a time there was a little sperm named Egbert who lived inside a
famous movie actor.  Egbert was a very healthy sperm.  He'd do push-ups,
somersaults, and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay
around on their fat asses not doing a thing.
   One day, one of the other sperm asked Egbert why he exercised all day.
   Egbert says to him, "Look, pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when
the right time comes, I am going to be that one."
   A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter; they
all had a feeling that this was going to be their one chance in life to produce
life.  Suddenly, they were released abruptly and, sure enough, Egbert was at the
front lines, swimming far ahead of everyone else.
   All of a sudden, Egbert stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
all his might, yelling, "Go back!  Go back!  It's a blow job!!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  242 =---------------------------------------------------------

   After dating for 6 months, a guy tells his girl, "Man, I'd really love a blow
job."
   She refuses saying, "You wouldn't respect me if I did that."
   They eventually marry and, on their wedding night, the man asks again.
   "No," she says.  "You wouldn't respect me."
   At every anniversary of their wedding day, he would ask again, but the answer
was always the same: "You wouldn't respect me."
   On their 50th anniversary, the man says to his wife, "Darling, I've been
waiting all these years for a blow job.  I ask every year.  How much longer do
we have together, anyway?  You know I love you.  You've got to know I'll still
respect you.  Please, do this for me."
   She was touched by the speech and finally gave in.  While she's doing it to
him, the phone rings.
   The man answers it.  "Hello?...  hold on...it's for you, cocksucker!"

-= sex humor =-=  243 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was to
share a house with an elderly couple.  What's worse is that they have to sleep
on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the lower half.
Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often.  Instead of asking the
question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use
the code "eating orange" for sex.
   So every night, the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like
eating orange?"
   This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked,
"Honey, do you feel like eating orange?" to which the old man from below
interrupted,
   "You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you please not
drip the orange juices down here!"

-= sex humor =-=  244 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An elderly woman sees a bunch of women lining up outside a building.  Being
so naive, she doesn't know these women are prostitutes and that they've been
arrested at the local police station.  She approaches one of the women in line
and asks her what they were all lining up for.  The lady of the street, somewhat
embarrassed, faked the reply by saying they're handing out free oranges here.
The old lady thought it was too good to miss, so she went to the end of the line
and waited.
   When one of the police saw the old woman, he asks, "Aren't you a bit old for
this sorta stuff?"
   "Are you kidding?  I may not have any teeth, but I still like to peel them
back and suck them!"

-= sex humor =-=  245 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An aging prostitute walks up to a guy and says to him, "Hey, mister, ya
wanna have a real good time?"
   The guy takes one look at her and says, "No way!  You know, you could get in
trouble working like this."
   She replies, "With the cops?  Screw the cops!!"
   "No," he says, "with Social Security."

-= sex humor =-=  246 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A boy in Australia was raised in the outback by his father.  He'd just turned
18 and had yet to ever see a woman in his life.  His father decided that it was
time that his boy went to the big city to meet some women.  The two got into the
city and the boy was dumbfounded by the plethora of women.  His father told him
to go up to their hotel room and he would have his "birthday present" sent up.
   The boy was waiting in the room when the prostitute made her entrance.  She
started to undress and the boy suddenly realized what had been happening to his
body in the last five years.  So, he went over and opened the window and started
to throw things outside.  I mean everything.  He started with the lamp, then
threw out the bed sheets, then the desk, then the pillows, then the mattress,
and then the TV.  He was starting to move the bed frame over to the window when
the prostitute asks what he's doing.
   "If this is anything like it is with the kangaroos, then we're gonna need a
lot of room."

-= sex humor =-=  247 =---------------------------------------------------------

The prostitution bill was brought up before the senate.  One senior senator
stood up and said, "I believe that if we owe it, then we should pay it!"

-= sex humor =-=  248 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been
selling her body at a hundred dollars a night.
   The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so
easily obtainable.  He approached her, told her how much she turned him on and
how much he wanted to make it with her.
   She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the
same hundred dollars that the other customers did.
   He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my
agent's ten percent as a deduction?"
   "No siree," she said.  "If you want me, you're going to have to pay full
price for me, just like the other guys."
   The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.
   That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local
nightclub.  The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
   At 1 A.M., she was awakened again.  Again, she was vigorously screwed.  In a
little while, she was yet awakened again, and again she was screwed.  The
actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
   "My god," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile.  I never realized
how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
   "I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered.  "He's at the door
taking tickets!"

-= sex humor =-=  249 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A dissolute farmer's son, Johnny was called in one day for the final
ultimatum from Farmer Buck.  "Now, my son, we've had our differences, and we've
argued.  You know I think you're not much good, and you know your brothers think
worse.  Now, I'm willing to let all this be forgotten if you simply do one thing
right.  I'm giving these two fine fat ducks, see, and you're going to take 'em
to market tomorrow.  You're going to sell 'em, five dollars the pair, and bring
all of it home to me.  See how simple it is?  Two ducks, five bucks.  Okay?"
   Johnny agrees, and the new day dawns. Early in the morning, Farmer Jim throws
Johnny out into the road with two ducks in a sack, and our hero slouches off.
It's a beautiful day, birds are singing, the sky is blue, and Naughty Jen the
milkmaid from next door is sitting in the barn with her dress up above her
knees, and suddenly the market doesn't look so attractive any more...  But Jen's
a mercenary sort, and when it gets down to the bodice and knickers, she says:
"Stop right there, Johnny boy, unless you got a present for me!"
   Johnny's straining at the fly about now, so all he can do is grunt: "Got two
ducks in me bag, okay?"
   She considers.  "Oh, alright!" and they start bopping away in the haystack.
After a most pleasant little interlude, and a quiet time in the hay, Jen stirs
Johnny from his rest.  "Come now, little man, let's see if you're up to it
again."
   Johnny stirs.  "Shall we say the ducks come back to me, then, Jen?"
   Mesmerized by the sight of Johnny's little willy rising again, she eagerly
agrees and take another tumble in the hay.
   Much later, Johnny jolts awake as the setting sun shines into his eyes.
"Christ, I forgot the market!" he says, and sprints off down the road, duck bag
banging his leg, belt all undone.  Of course, he was too late for market, and
his brothers pass him coming back in their cart, smirking as they wave their
wads of bills.  Drearily Johnny turns about, and shuffles home.  He's moping
along, swinging his bag of ducks, as he practices what he is going to say to his
father, when a carriage thunders around the bend behind him.  He gets such a
fright he drops the ducks, and dives into the ditch.  As he surfaces, spitting
out weeds, he sees an elderly woman, all distraught, berating her driver.  "Are
you alright, my good man?  My idiot of a driver goes much too fast for these
lanes.  Is this your sack?"
   Johnny smells a good thing.  "Why, yes, ma'am, and I hope me ducks is
alright."
   Of course, the ducks are squashed beyond repair and Johnny has an enjoyable
few minutes shedding a tear over his lost pride and joy until the old woman
eventually gives him fifty dollars and drives off, leaving Johnny with the two
squashed ducks.
   Johnny's welcome was as he thought it would be: his father raves as his
brothers smirk at the two indubitably unsold dead ducks.  "You useless little
bastard, see how I can't even trust you to do the simplest thing?  Five bucks
for two ducks, that' all I asked, and what have you got?  Still two ducks, I
see, and that means no money!  I ought to...."
   His father tails off as he sees Johnny's quiet smile and his upraised hand
holding a wad of money.  "Five bucks you wanted father, for the ducks?  Here,
here's five, and forty-five for meself, and the ducks back!  And you want to
know how it was done?  Simple.  Two ducks for a fuck, a fuck for two ducks,
fifty bucks for two fucked ducks, now fuck you, Buck!"  And he walked off with
the ducks to see if Jen couldn't be persuaded into an encore.

-= sex humor =-=  250 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Jim Bob went to a farm to visit his country cousin.  He went into a barn to
watch the country cousin attach the udders of a cow to the milking machine.  The
machine went up and down and milk poured out.
   Jim Bob was fascinated.  As soon as his country cousin left the barn on some
errand, he decided to attach the machine to his penis to see how it would feel.
   Two hours later, the country cousin returned to find Jim Bob lying on the
floor and moaning, "Ohhhhh.  Let me out!  Let me out!"
   "Land's sake," the country cousin exclaimed.  "What's goin' on?"
   "Can't you see?" Jim Bob said.  "I stuck my prick in your damned machine and
turned it on.  This is the eighty-ninth time I've come!!  And I can't seem to
turn it off!"
   The country cousin scratched his head.  "Jim Bob, I'm afraid I can't turn it
off either.  But don't you worry.  We'll feed you and fan you, and the thing's
only set for four quarts."

-= sex humor =-=  251 =---------------------------------------------------------

   In a moment of passion, farmer John and his wife, Delores, ripped off their
clothes and tumbled into a very muddy cornfield for a little impromptu
lovemaking on a rainy Sunday morning.  They started to slip and slide around a
bit in the mud.
   "Say, honey, is my cock in you or in the mud?" John asked.
   Delores felt around and said, "Why, Johnny boy, it's in the mud!"
   "Well, put it back in ya," he said.
   After awhile, farmer John asked again, "Honey, is it still in you or in the
mud?"
   "Ohh, it's in me, dear.  It's *IN* me!!" Delores cooed happily.
   "Well, would you mind putting it back in the mud?"

-= sex humor =-=  252 =---------------------------------------------------------

   So ol' Billy Bob gets all decked out for the barn dance (even changes his
underwear) and off he goes.  To his dismay upon arrival, he doesn't spot any
single women so decides to get inebriated.
   As he stumbles out the door to go home, he passes by a pumpkin patch.  The
shapes of the pumpkins lit up by the full moon reminds him of curvaceous
posteriors of women and gets him quite horny.  In his drunken state of mind, he
decides to relieve his amorous desire by dropping his drawers and starts humping
one of the pumpkins.
   At that moment, a cop walks by and, upon seeing him, yells, "Hey Buddy!!
Whaddya think yer doin' with that pumpkin!?"
   Billy Bob stops, thinks for a moment, and then says, "Pumpkin?  Sheesh, you
mean to tell me that it's past midnight already!?"

-= sex humor =-=  253 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The young lady was feeling a bit amorous, so she decided to leave work a
little early and surprise her husband.  When she got home, she saw her husband
in the bedroom.  She went in the bedroom and said, "John, take off my shoes."
   So John took off her shoes.
   Then she said, "John, take off my dress."
   So John obliged and took off her dress.
   Next, it was "John, take off my slip."
   So John took off her slip.
   Then, she said, "John take off my bra!"
   So John unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor.
   Lastly, she said, "John, take off my panties!!!."
   After John finished removing her panties, she said, "Don't ever let me catch
you wearing my clothes again!"

-= sex humor =-=  254 =---------------------------------------------------------

The waitress wants to deposit ten dollars on her bank account.  "I'm sorry," the
cashier says, "but I'm afraid this bank note is false." "Ahh!" she yells, "that
means I was raped."

-= sex humor =-=  255 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One day, in Norsegard (the Norwegian heaven), Thor, the god of thunder, being
bored with heavenly existence decided that a quick trip to Earth would help
alleviate some of this boredom.  Traveling incognito, except for his trusty
hammer, Thor came across a buxom blond and suggested that some mutual
cohabitation of a degenerate degree would be helpful to both parties concerned. The blond, not saying anything, and impressed with the size of Thor's hammer,
nodded her agreement.  They cohabitated for three days and Thor returned home.
   Upon his arrival, Odin grabbed Thor and reprimanded him, "No problem sleeping
with mortals, but you should go back and tell her your name."
   Thor returned to earth, went up to the girl's house, knocked, and, when she
answered, said, "I'm Thor."
   To which the girl lisped in reply, "You're thore, I'm tho thore I can hardwy
pee!"

-= sex humor =-=  256 =---------------------------------------------------------

Filling out job applications is so depressing.  I was filling one out the other
day and I got to the part that says "Sex?"  Well, I prefer to 'F', but I'm
usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'."

-= sex humor =-=  257 =---------------------------------------------------------

   King Arthur was to set off on yet another journey of quest and conquest but
he had the problem of what to do with his randy wife Mrs. Arthur.  He summoned
Merlin and explained the problem.  Merlin said he had just the thing.  Merlin
produced from a box of tricks a large latex vibrator and said to King Arthur
that this magic dick would be just the thing.  Mrs. Arthur could command it quit
simply and it would never fail to satisfy.  All she had to do was utter the
command magic "penis my cunt" and it would satisfy her every need until she gave
the command "magic penis stop."  Arthur demonstrated this to his randy wife that
afternoon and it was fine.  Arthur left on his crusade the very next morning
secure in the knowledge that his wife would stay faithful.
   Back at the castle, Mrs. Arthur was feeling a little horny.  She decided the
magic penis would be just the thing and retired to her chamber for a monster
diddle.  All went well and orgasm after orgasm passed for what must have been
hours.  By this time, Mrs. Arthur was just a trifle hungry and fancied quick
nibble.
   Unfortunately, through all that passion she had forgotten the command to call
off the magic penis and try as she might she couldn't get it right.  In sheer
desperation, she pried it from her, but still it would not stop and tried
desperately to reinsert itself.  Mrs. Arthur ran down the stairs, through the
hall and out of the castle gate pursued by the crazed vibro.  As she passed the
gate, a guard shouted to her why she was in such a rush.
   "I'm being chased by a magic penis" she replied.
   "Magic penis my arse..." said the guard, "Uuuuugh!"

-= sex humor =-=  258 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman complained to her veterinarian that her dog would start humping her
everytime he came into the house.
   "Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
   The doctor said, "Well, we could castrate him, and then he would no longer
have a sex drive."
   The woman replies, "That seems awfully harsh.  Couldn't you just clip his
nails and do something about his breath?"

-= sex humor =-=  259 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two women arrive to the vet, each carrying one male dog.
Woman1: Why did you bring your dog?
Woman2: Because I want it castrated.  You see, he keeps fucking all the female
        dogs in the neighborhood.  How about you?
Woman1: The other day, I was taking a bath when the soap fell down and when I
        reached down to pick it up, the dog fucked me.
Woman2: So, you want it castrated too?
Woman1: No, I want his nails cut.

-= sex humor =-=  260 =---------------------------------------------------------

A women goes to her doctor and complains that her knees hurt her when she has
sex.  The doctor asks her what position she uses.  She says doggie style.  The
doctor tells her to not do it that way anymore.  She replies, "But that's the
only way my dog knows."

-= sex humor =-=  261 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A German Shepherd and a Great Dane meet in the veterinarian's office.  The
Great Dane asks the German Shepherd what he is in for.  The German Shepherd
replies, "Well, my owners kids are real monsters.  This morning, they were worse
than usual and after yanking my tail, I bit one of the bastards.  Now they are
going to put me to sleep.  How about you?"  
         The Great Dane says, "Well, my owner is this real good looking woman.  She
always cleans the house in the nude.  This morning, she bent over in front of me
and I lost control and fucked her."
   The German Shepherd says, "And they are going to kill you for that?"
   "No." says the Great Dane.  "I'm here to have my nails and coat done."

-= sex humor =-=  262 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An old woman saved a fairy's life.  To repay this, the fairy promised to
grant the old woman three wishes.
   For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful.  Poof!
She became young and beautiful.
   For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
Poof!  She was the richest woman in the world.
   For the last wish, she pointed at the little puppy she had just purchased
from the local pound and was her loyal companion that always followed her around
the house.  She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth.
After all, he had been her best friend and, besides, if the dog was anything
like her next door neighbor's German Shepherd that always tried to hump her knee
when she went over for a visit, she could also have sexual fulfillment with this
last wish.  Poof!  The fairy turned the puppy into the most handsome man on
earth.  The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.
   After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and said, "Now
aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

-= sex humor =-=  263 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There is this guy who really takes care of his body.  He lifts weights and
jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his
body.  He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except his penis and he
decides to do something about it.  He goes to the beach, strips completely, and
buries himself in the sand except for his penis sticking up out of the sand.
   Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and
says, "There's no justice in this world."
   The other old lady says, "What do you mean?"
   The first lady says, "Look at that!  When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of
it...  When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it...  When I was 30, I
enjoyed it...  When I was 40, I asked for it...  When I was 50, I paid for it...
When I was 60, I prayed for it...  When I was 70, I forgot about it...  And now
that I am 80, the damn things are growing wild!"

-= sex humor =-=  264 =---------------------------------------------------------

   During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the
intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing.
   "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.  We will be cruising at
35,000 feet, blah, blah..."
   After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect
his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was,
   "You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob right about
now..."
   Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately
turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue.  While
scurrying past the first class section, a passenger was heard to say, "Don't
forget the coffee!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  265 =---------------------------------------------------------

I once went on a vacation with this with absolutely gorgeous and sexy girl.  As
we flew down to Cancun, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.  We wanted to
fly United, but the flight attendant wouldn't let us.

-= sex humor =-=  266 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best...find a
woman with whom he may "commiserate".  After a wild night of getting it on, it's
time for the young lady to leave.  As she's getting dressed, she and Mike are
having a conversation.
   She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was.  Well, I have good news and
bad news for you.  Which would you like first?"
   Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news."
   She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic..."

-= sex humor =-=  267 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog
behind him.  The Madam asks, "Can I help you son?"
   He replies, "Yes, I'd like a girl for the night."
   She says, "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls."
   So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200, to which she says, "She'll be
waiting for you up stairs."
   The boy says, "But she's got to have a very serious case of active herpes."
   The Madam replies, "But all my girls are clean!"
   So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.
   The Madam says, "Okay, she'll be ready for you in about ten minutes."
   So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. Half an hour later, he comes
down the stairs, with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog.  By
now, the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him, "Why did you come in
here, dragging a dead frog, and asking for a girl with active herpes?"
   "Well, it's like this," he says, "When I get home tonight, I will fuck the
babysitter and she'll get it.  Then when my parents get home, dad will drive her
home and, on the way, they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it.  Later, when
dad gets home, mum and dad will make love, and she'll get it.  And at about 9:30
tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, fuck
my mother, and he'll get it.  And he's the bastard who killed my frog!!!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  268 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Ole Charlie was retiring after 30 wonderful years in the postal service.  On
his last run on his route, he thought it would be nice to go door to door and
say one last good-bye.  Charlie knocks on one particular door and a beautiful
blonde lady greets him.  She says that she has heard that today was his last day
before he retires and asks if he would like to come in and have some breakfast.
   "Oh no!  I couldn't do that!  Why, it's strictly against policy!" he
exclaimed.
   "So what?  What are they going to do?  Fire you?" she said.
   Charlie laughed (realizing today was his last day anyway), and came in,
whereupon he was led into the dining room where laid out on the table was the
most elaborate breakfast he has ever seen!
   "Sit down and help yourself to anything you want!" she smiled.
   While Charlie sat down to the feast of his life, she ran upstairs and
returned dressed only in a sexy black negligee just as Charlie was pushing
himself away from the table.  "You want to go upstairs for some...  Uh...  Fun?"
she purred.
   "Oh no!  I couldn't do that!" Charlie exclaimed, "I mean, you gave me a
fantastic breakfast and all and I really must go!"
   "What are they going to do?  Fire you?" she pouted.
   Charlie thought about this, and being his last day and all, he thought "What
the hell," and escorted the blonde upstairs.
   After much furious lovemaking lasting several hours, Charlie and the blonde
staggered sweating and exhausted down the stairs.  Charlie hurried and buttoned
his shirt and pants.  He thanked the blond and was just ready to leave when, the
blonde said, "Oh, I almost forgot!" running over to her purse and handed Charlie
a dollar bill.
   "Oh no!  I can't take any money from you!" exclaimed Charlie, "I mean, the
breakfast, uh...  You know...  Upstairs and all, I just can't take money from
you too!"
   "Go ahead take it.." she said, "It was my husbands idea anyway."
   "Your husbands???!!!???" stammered Charlie.
   "Sure, just this morning, I asked my husband what we should get the postman
for his last day and he said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar!'  Breakfast was my
idea!"

-= sex humor =-=  269 =---------------------------------------------------------

Young Son: Daddy, is our postman a bad man?
Son's Dad: No son, he's not.
Young Son: Then why is mommy closing him in the closet every time you return
home?

-= sex humor =-=  270 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching
their high school graduation.  It was getting near prom night and neither of
them had a date for it.  So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says
"Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"
   He says, "No, why?  You got someone lined up for me?"
   "You might say that.  Why don't you take me to the prom?"
   "Take you?  You kidding?  You're my sister!"
   "Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
   "You know I don't have a date, Sis."
   "And neither do I.  But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"  Her
brother nods.  She continues, "So we should go with each other."
   The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his
sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her
to the prom.
   Wednesday evening rolls around.  Neither of the siblings has a date, so the
the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.
   At the prom, both of them have a good time.  The brother is glad that his
sister talked him into taking her.  Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl,
his sister comes up to him again and says, "Hey, brother, let's dance."
   He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her.  "Look, Sis, this is the
Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"
   "Don't be so shy.  Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin.  So why
can't you dance with your sister?"
   "Oh...alright."
   So they dance a slow number.  The rest of the prom passes by and after a
while, it's over and time to go home.  Both of them have had a good time.  In
the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says,
"Let's not go straight home."
   He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
   "Oh, I don't know.  Just drive around."
   He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she
looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"
   "Hell," he says, "Are you crazy?  You're my sister, I'm not going parking
with you!"
   "Who said anything about 'going parking'?  Let's just pull over somewhere and
talk for a while, okay?  It's been a busy year for both of us.  How long has it
been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"
   So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back
road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.  "Hey,"
she says.
   "What?"
   "Why don't you kiss me?"
   "You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that?  I'm not
going to kiss you, you're my sister!"  And he reached for the ignition switch to
start the car.
   She reached out and took his hand.  "I know I'm your sister.  You've
mentioned that a lot lately.  And you're my brother.  And don't we love each
other?  Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?"  She kissed him on the cheek
and he kissed her back.  After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his
ear, "Come on.  Let's do it."
   "Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in
mind.
   "You know what," his sister replied.
   "I can't do that with you, you're my..."  His voice trailed off.
   While he was on top of her pumping away, his sister murmured, "You know,
you're a lot lighter than Dad."
   "I know," said her brother.  "Mom told me."

-= sex humor =-=  271 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One Friday afternoon, Steve's boss told him that he had to work overtime that
day.  That was okay with Steve except that he had no way of letting his wife
know he'd be coming home late since they had just moved into a new house and it
didn't have a phone yet.
   "Since I'm passing that way, I'll tell her," the boss volunteered.
   A few hours later, the boss arrived at Steve's house and rang the doorbell.
Steve's wife came to the door wearing a see-through negligee.  The boss couldn't
take his eyes off her body.
   "Yes?" she said.
   "Hi, I'm Steve's boss," the boss said.  "He'll be working overtime tonight
and asked me to tell you he'll be home late."
   "Thank you," she replied.
   "Now, how about you and me going upstairs for some hot sex!"
   Steve's wife felt her cheeks flush to an angry red.  "How dare you!!!!"
   The boss shrugged.  "Supposing I give you fifty dollars?"
   "Absolutely not!  Why, I never heard such nerve..."
   "One hundred dollars, then?"
   "Uh...hell, no!"
   "Okay, how about three hundred dollars then?"
   "Uhhh, I don't think that would be right, do you?"
   The boss purred, "Listen, honey, Steve isn't gonna know.  It's an easy way to
make three hundred dollars and we'll just spend a little time together."
   So the wife nodded, took him by the hand, and led him upstairs to the bedroom
where they had sex for an hour.
   That night, Steve came home and asked, "Did my boss come by and tell you I'd
be late?"
   "Yes, Steve," the wife innocently said, "he did stop by for a few seconds."
   "Good," said Steve.  "Then he gave you my salary?"

-= sex humor =-=  272 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This woman is about to board a bus, but when she steps up, she realizes that
her skirt is too tight, and she can't lift her leg to board.  So, she reaches
around behind her and lowers her zipper a bit and tries again.
   Skirt's still too tight, so she reaches behind her and lowers her zipper some
more, and tries again.  She still can't get on, so she reaches back and lowers
the zipper a bit more.
   She tries to step up, and feels two hands on her butt push her up onto the
bus.  She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to
do that!"
   He says, "Lady, I sure don't know you well enough for you to lower my zipper
three times."

-= sex humor =-=  273 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Three couples are are at the local horse races and the men are wondering what
number horse to bet on.  While thinking about what to do, one man suggests that
they all go to the restroom and measure the size of their dicks, add the sizes
together, and that would be the number of the horse they would bet on.  Deciding
that this was an innovative idea, they went off of the men's restroom.
   Inside, the first man says, "Mine's 6 inches."  The second man says, "Mine's
4 inches, so that totals 10."  And the third guy says, "Mine's 2 inches, so that
brings the total to 12."
   So they exit the restroom and put all their money on horse number 12.  Sure
enough, horse number 12 strides in front of all the rest to the finish line.  So
off they went to collect their winnings.  Then came the problem of how they were
going to split the money.
   While thinking, the first man says, "Mine was 6 inches so I should get 60%."
   Thinking along the same line, the second man says, "Mine was 4 inches so I
should get 40%."
   Now the third guy thinks about this for a while and finally says, "I should
get it all."
   The other two look at each other and asked "Why?" to which the third man
looks at the first man and says, "If I had not carried around a stiff erection
all this afternoon looking up your wife's skirt every time she sat down, it
would only have been 1 inch, in which case you would have bet on number 11 and
lost everything."

-= sex humor =-=  274 =---------------------------------------------------------

   These three guys try going to this bar for the first time and turns out to
be pretty rough and tough biker bar.  They each ask for a mug of beer.  The
barmaid says to them, "I'm not serving you three until I see 30 inches of cock
between ya."
   So the first guy whips out his member and, sproing!, 10 inches of cock
dangle from his trousers.
   The second guy pulls down his pants and 19 inches of cock spring up and land
right on the bar counter.
   The third guy manages to slip a one incher out.
   So the barmaid serves the three guys drinks.  After the drinks, and as the
three guys leave the bar, the third guy proudly says, "Man, it's a GOOD thing
that I had a hard-on!"

-= sex humor =-=  275 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The owner of a big furniture store went to New York to buy some stock and met
a really beautiful girl in the hotel elevator.  But she was French and they
couldn't understand a work of each other's language. So he took out a pencil and
notebook and drew a sketch of a taxi.  She nodded her head and laughed and they
went for a ride in the park.  Then he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.  After dinner, he
sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They went to a night club and
danced and had a lovely evening.
   At length, she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster
bed.  He was dumbfounded.
   He's never been able to figure out how she knew he was in the furniture
business.

-= sex humor =-=  276 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This guy was with a hooker for the first time.  She took him into her room
and asked him what would be his pleasure.  Being naive, he asked, "Do you have
any suggestions?"
   She said, "Would you like French style, Straight, Around the World, or maybe
69?"
   He replies, "I'll try one of those 69's."
   As they were engaged in a 69, the hooker let out a loud and smelly fart.
   "Ooohh!  Excuse me," she said with a giggle.  They proceeded and a few
minutes later, she let another stinky, loud fart fly.
   "Ohhh," she said as she giggled and said, "how do you like it so far?"
   He replies, "Well, it feels pretty good, but I'm not sure I can take 67
more!"

-= sex humor =-=  277 =---------------------------------------------------------

   On a sunny day in Paris, an American tourist who was on his college spring
break picked up a prostitute on the Champs Elysees and took her to the Meurice
Hotel.
   The American got into bed with the whore and screwed her for awhile and then
said, "Pardonnez-moi, Mademoiselle, je suis fatigue'."
   So saying, the college boy stuck his head out the window and took a deep
breath.  He then went under the bed, came out the other side, and jumped into
bed on top of her to continue screwing her again.
   After awhile, he got up saying, "Pardonnez-moi, Mademoiselle, je suis
fatigue'."  Again, he went to the window, took a deep breath, rolled under the
bed, and came out the other side.
   The sixth time this happened, the whore had become very tired too.  Getting
out of bed, she said, "Pardonnez-moi, Monsieur, fatiguee'."
   She went to the open window, took a deep breath, and looked under the bed.
She found four other Americans there under the bed.

-= sex humor =-=  278 =---------------------------------------------------------

   I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true.  He said
that one day, he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said:
"Vaseline-Powered Car For Sale".  He thought this was pretty odd so he decided
to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car.  He drove for about
five miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led
back into some woods.  He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a
house.  It looked deserted so he blew the horn.  He waited for about a minute
before an old man came out.  He rolled his window down and called out to him,
"Hey!  Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?"  The old man
assured him he did and the guy asked him if he could see it.
   They walked back behind the house to an old barn.  The old man opened the
double wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket.
The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red
Corvette.
   "1969, 369 Cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission," the old man
said.  The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline.  And the
old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside.  When he pulled it
out it was covered with Vaseline.  "Care to drive it?" he asked.
   As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast.
Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas.  And it's low on Vaseline, too, so
don't go too far."  This guy turned the key and that car fired up and it sounded
like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger.  He found
first gear and eased out of the barn.  He turned onto the hardtop and hit second
gear at 45 mph.  Third at 70 and into fourth at 95.  The car felt wonderful!
110 mph and so smooth!  And the pick-up was unbelievable!  He had covered five
miles in under three minutes when, all of the sudden, the car shut off.  He
coasted to a stop and got out.  To his fear, he was out of Vaseline.  He started
to walk.
   Meanwhile, down the road...
   A family had just finished supper.  There was dad, mom, and two daughters,
one home from college, the other in high school.  Dad was telling mom how good
supper was and mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she
shouldn't have to wash the dishes.  The oldest girl said that she couldn't do
the dishes because she had a date and the other daughter said she had homework
to do and couldn't do the dishes.  Dad said that he was the man of the house and
he'll be damned if he did the dishes.  They argued for a few minutes and then
dad told everybody to shut up.  He said that since they couldn't decide who
would wash the dishes, then what they should do is go in the living room, sit
down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They
agreed and moved to the living room.  They sat down and stared at each other,
not speaking a word.  Everybody had their mouths closed.  Nobody dared to speak.
Silence filled the room.
   There was a knock at the door.  A few moments later, another knock.  The man
at the door saw the family through the window.  He knocked again but nobody
answered.  He walked in.
   "Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said...hey, food!  Do you mind if I
have some?," the stranger asked.  Nobody said anything.  So he went to the table
and started eating.  He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he
could have some.  Nobody said anything.  He drank three or four beers and got a
little buzz.  He walked into the living room and asked dad if he minded if he
had sex with his oldest daughter.  Nobody said anything.  He took the girl in
the bedroom and had sex with her.  Later, he was back at the supper table
drinking more beer.  He walked back into the living room and asked dad if he
could have sex with his youngest daughter.  Nobody said anything.  He took her
into the bedroom and had sex with her too.  Later, sitting at the table, after
more beer, mom started to look pretty good.  He walked in and asked dad if he
minded if he had sex with his wife.  Nobody said anything.  So he took mom into
the bedroom and had sex with her.  When he was through he walked into the living
room and stood in front of dad.
   "Hey, do you have any Vaseline?" he asked dad.
   And dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes."

-= sex humor =-=  279 =---------------------------------------------------------

   John and Joe were twin brothers.  John was happily married, while Joe was
single and the owner of a dilapidated rowboat.  It so happened that John's wife
died about the same time Joe's boat filled with water and sank.
   A few days later, an old woman met Joe, mistook him for John, and said, "Oh,
Mr. Jones, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."
   Joe said, "Well, I'm not very sorry.  She was rather an old thing. Her bottom
was chewed up and she smelled like dead fish.  Why, the first time I got into
her, she made water faster than anything you ever saw.  She had a bad crack and
a big hole right in front that got bigger every time I used her.  It got so I
could handle her okay, but when someone else used her, she leaked something
awful.  This is really what finished her: Four guys from the other side of town
came looking for a good time and asked me if I would lend her to them.  I warned
them she wasn't any good, but they said they'd like to take a chance on her
anyway.  The crazy fools tried to get in her all at the same time, and this was
just too much for her.  She cracked all the way up the middle and...."
   Before Joe could finish, the old woman fainted.

-= sex humor =-=  280 =---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Doctor Rude,

I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you explain to me the
difference between the following kisses?

1. Aristotelian kiss
2. Hegelian kiss
3. Wittgensteinian kiss
4. Godelian kiss

      Signed,
        Flummoxed in Florida


Dear Flummoxed,

That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on
secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to
the classics in this field any more.  I'll try to make a brief but clear summary
of some of these important types of kisses:

Aristotelian kiss - a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from
theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that
the latter is irrelevant anyway.

Hegelian kiss - a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own
antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.

Wittgensteinian kiss - the important thing about this type of kiss is that it
refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with
the experience of the kiss, which must necessarilly also be differentiated from
the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same
or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the
act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted
generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on
our manipulation of the symbology therefor.

Godelian kiss - a kiss that takes an extraordinarily long time, yet leaves you
unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.

Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list.  Here are just a few other classic
kisses:

Socratic kiss - actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the
Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most
strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover
more ground.

Kantian kiss - a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is
performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually
feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've
ever given or received.

Kafkaesque kiss - a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform
you but ends up just bugging you.

Sartrean kiss - a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it
really doesn't matter anyway.

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss - a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement
is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete
somehow.

Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss - Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.

Pythagorean kiss - a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and
wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others
would find out about them and start using them.

Cartesian kiss - A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think,
therefore, I aim."  In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is
applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed.  (cf.
Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact,
but colder overall.)

Heisenbergian kiss - a hard-to-define kiss; the more it moves you, the less sure
you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have
figuring out how long it lasted.  Extreme versions of this type of kiss are
known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that
you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not.  Virtual kisses have the
advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to
enjoy them.

Nietzscheian kiss - "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."

Epimenidian kiss - a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.

Grouchoic kiss - a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not
kiss him or her.

Harpoic kiss - shut up and kiss me.

Zenoian kiss - your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.

Procrustean kiss - well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once
you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas
of the anatomy other than the lips.

Doctor Rude

The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1992 by Trygve Lode   (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.

-= sex humor =-=  281 =---------------------------------------------------------

Bumbling Trivia

   In proportion to its body size, the genitalia of a drone bee are among the
largest of any animal on earth.  Mention this to the girls over bridge and
you'll definitely get the conversation off Tupperware.
   The size of its equipment is thought to be directly related to the drone's
post-coital fate, namely death.  The genitals are contained in the abdomen and
presumably getting them out of the abdomen for the purpose of mating places such
strain on the bee that it dies in the process.  The proximate cause of the
drone's demise is that its privates are (urk) ripped off during the act.  One
more reason for caution, boys, when we are fumbling around in the dark.
   One last thing.  Despite its status as bee stud, the drone is not itself
produced as a result of sex.  On the contrary, it develops from an unfertilized
egg.  (Fertilized eggs become either workers or queens.)  Thus the queen bee is
capable of parthenogenesis and drone bees have no father, only a grandfather.
You think your family is dysfunctional; be glad you're not a bee.

-= sex humor =-=  282 =---------------------------------------------------------

My husband is in danger of losing his license to practice medicine.  He was
caught having sex with some of his patients.  It's such a shame.  He was the
best veterinarian in town.

-= sex humor =-=  283 =---------------------------------------------------------

A man walks towards the bathroom door and starts yelling: "Son!  How many times
have I told you not to do that?  Don't play with yourself anymore.  Stop it!  If
you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"  The son replies: "I'm over here, dad, in
the hallway."

-= sex humor =-=  284 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Men have been hearing for decades that they are lousy lovers.  It's a given
in this culture.  If we believe what women have been telling us, it seems that
today's males are hasty, inconsiderate, ignorant, confused, and uncaring.  Men
are supposedly limp-dicked premature ejaculators with no sense of timing or
communication.  But the truth of the matter is that women contribute as much to
our culture's sexual malaise as men do.  Let's consider the classes of lousy
lovers among women:
   The Otherwise Engaged: If she were on a frequent flier plan, it would take
her ten years to earn a trip from Des Moines to Cedar Rapids.  To live with her
is to not know her.  "Not tonight, I have a headache" has become "Not this year,
I have a career."  In this relationship, the hand you hold will probably be your
own, but don't be embarrassed by that.  Rejection and lack of interest are
general all over this workaholic culture.  You think you're the Lone Ranger
because you're living with an Infrequent Flier?  Then who are all those other
masked men out there?
   The Cliff Dweller: She lives on the edge of everything, especially the
extended orgasm.  It is always just around the corner, but the corner is forever
disappearing into the distance.  Superman might be able to satisfy her, but it's
60/40 he'll finally give up and take a nap.  Be assured that when he awakes,
he'll hear about how inconsiderate he was.
   The Sperm Hater: This woman has a basic fear of our precious bodily fluids.
She treats the male orgasm as if it were an explosion at a nuclear power
station.  She scrambles away, a distasteful expression on her face, as you lie
there like a beached whale.  By her standards, sperm is radioactive poison and
should never be deposited on skin, sheets, or clothing.  She is also the Fastest
Douche in the West.
   The Statistician: You can spot her by the tape measure she keeps under the
pillow and the pencil marks on her wall.  She's a combination C.P.A., historian,
and Official Scorer.  Her brain is one big computer printout, and if you ask
her, she'll reel off numbers and measurements that boggle your mind: how you
rate compared with other lovers in terms of genital heft, number of orgasms
(hers, then yours), errors committed, times you were too base and runs batted
in.  Her accounting will be accurate, impersonal, and cold.  Only her eyes will
glow as she quantifies love.
   The Electrician: Yes, you guessed it; the Electrician is sister to the
Statistician.  Indeed, they may be one and the same person.  The Electrician
punches data into here computer keyboard while your lovemaking progresses, but
it will be difficult for you to see that as you struggle to keep your headphones
from becoming entangled with hers and as you sort out the vibrators that she
keeps in a batrack by her bed.  On average, she will have two videotape machines
running, one to record your activities, the other to play back an X-rated movie
for the television monitor on her ceiling.  Don't feel dehumanized by the stock
market ticker she has on her wall.  And, yes, it can be disconcerting when the
Electrician carries on telephone conversations from one of six phones she has on
her headboard while you are huffing and puffing away.
   The Aerobic Lover: Isn't she something?  Will her activity ever cease?  Why
does your back hurt?  Why are you dehydrated?  Why are you wondering if you'll
have a coronary and she'll never even notice?  Is it fair that she can go for
four hours straight and never even stop for breath?  Why does she wear her
aerobic dance shoes to bed?  Gatorade instead of champagne.  Only one change of
sweatbands allowed.  Mirrors all over, even the floor.  "Bolero" is too slow for
her.  What are those yelping sounds she makes at odd moments?  Why does she
confuse you with her aerobics instructor?  Why does she have a hotline to her
own team of paramedics?  Why are they leaning over you and giving you oxygen?
Why is she still bouncing on the bed?
   The Screecher: This one is sneaky and mean.  There is no known way to spot
her beforehand, either.  You just have to place you bets and then go for broke.
It's a sweet moment.  You're making love with a warm and wonderful woman, and if
the truth were known, this is how you'd like to make your living.  You wait for
her; you hold yourself in; you administer and placate and excite.  Then, as you
feel her rhythms rise, your own pleasure approaches; and as she rides into her
sunset, you take a deep breath and...your ears; what is happening to your ears?
You have never heard a sound like that before.  Is it nuclear war?  Is there a
jet engine in the room?  There is this unearthly screeching going on, and there
is no distance between you and the screeching.  She has your head in a vise, and
her mouth hs just swallowed your eardrums.  They are somewhere slightly above
her voice box, and they are now hers forever, because you will never hear again,
not a sound, not even the whimper of a child.  The Screecher has claimed another
victim.

-= sex humor =-=  285 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the
truth in bed.  Imagine the revelation...
   She: Get off of me, will ya!!
   He:  Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?
   She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me.  You think you could hurt
me with THAT?!?
   She: Getting a little flabby and chubby, aren't we?
   She: Was that it???
   She: Two minutes!  Boy, that really must have really tired you out!

-= sex humor =-=  286 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A well known business man met a beautiful girl that agreed to spend the night
with him for $500.00.  The next morning, when he was ready to leave, he found
that he didn't have that much cash with him but that he would have his secretary
prepare a check for the agreed amount and it would be in the mail that day.  On
his way back to his office, he decided that it was not worth the price he had
agreed to pay and so he had his secretary prepare a check in the amount of
$250.00 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam, enclosed you will find my check for less than what we agreed upon
for the rent of your apartment; but upon inspection, I found that you had
misrepresented it saying that it had never been occupied before, that there was
plenty of heat and it was small.  However, upon a close inspection, I found that
it had been previously occupied many times before, there certainly wasn't enough
heat and it was much larger than what you described.

Very truly yours, John Doe.

Upon receipt of this note the girl immediately returned the check with the
following note:

Dear John Doe, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied forever.  As to the heat, there was much more than you needed,
if you had just known how to turn it on; and lastly, you most certainly didn't
have the necessary furniture to fill the apartment, so don't blame me.

Yours truly, Madam.

-= sex humor =-=  287 =---------------------------------------------------------

   How do you tell if you are making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an
airline stewardess?
   A nurse says, "This won't hurt a bit."
   A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again
until we get it right."
   An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over you nose and mouth and
breath normally.

-= sex humor =-=  288 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A kid goes up to his father.  "Dad, what's the difference between 'fantasy'
and 'reality'?"
   The father thinks about how to explain this for a moment.  "Son, you go up to
both your mother and sister and ask them each if they would sleep for one night
with a total stranger for a million dollars, say...the next door neighbor or
someone like Robert Redford."
   The kid leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later.  "They both said
yes." he tells his father.
   "I will now explain to you the difference between 'fantasy' and 'reality'."
says the father.  "In fantasy, we are sitting on a piggy bank worth two million
dollars.  But in reality, you have two whores for a mother and sister."

-= sex humor =-=  289 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy is one the phone with a salesman who tells him, "I can let you have it
for six hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash."
   The guy is not able to figure out the calculations, so he puts the salesman
on hold and asks his wife, "If you were offered six hundred dollars minus six
percent, how much would you take off?"
   His wife thinks for a minute and then replies, "Everything but my earrings."

-= sex humor =-=  290 =---------------------------------------------------------

A Quick Look At The International Sex Scene
(by an anonymous Englishman)

Italy

   Which of us has not thrilled to the magic of Florence?  Or to the perverse
   lure of Venice, which, like an old hedonist sinking under the weight of his
   own corruption, seems to be urging us to enjoy the present while we may?

   The Men

   Italian men, whether pinching bottoms, snatching handbags, or over revving
   underpowered Vespas with their mufflers gone and mothballs in their petrol
   tanks, have been calculated to be 46 percent better looking than their
   nearest European rivals, and 72 percent sexier.  Indeed, the same
   electroencephalographic tests show that Italian men think about sex all the
   time.  In the circumstances, it is not surprising that the common local
   activity is premature ejaculation (coitus is seldom successfully joined, and
   when it is, lasts on average for no more than nine and a half seconds.) Since
   repressive clerical laws forbid the publication of premature ejaculation
   charts, the condition is probably endemic now, and part of the Italian males
   genetic inheritance.  It is the case, too, that Italian men wear lace body
   shirts, which would be unacceptable in any other part of the world except
   Sydney.

   The Women

   Italian women are exquisite for six months at the age of eighteen, but they
   come back from their honeymoon looking like Pavarotti.  They do not believe
   in sex either before or after marriage, unless they are made to, or paid to.
   Female prostitutes in the rural areas are extremely family-minded, and before
   making an appointment with one, you will be expected to show respect by
   drinking with her immediate family and meeting her kitchen appliances. Female
   tourists from England, however, having experienced a succession of local
   premature ejaculants, with whom they will often have had relations without
   realising it, tend to become vulnerable to the clumsy advances and pasty
   faces of male English tourists.

   Where To Go

   Rome: Flora da Palma's, Via di Cellino 895, Roma 101 (flora offers special
   discounts to clergymen), Madam di Earl Spencer, 498 Via Augusta (above the
   leather boutique), Roma 118 (madam offers English variations of dressage and
   the application of the crop); and Scarman's, the triumph of perpendicular
   architecture in the Piazza del Monti at which generations of noblemen have
   deposited their heirs on their fifteenth birthdays. Outside Rome: At 1919 Via
   Romana, Firenze, you will find Loggia Tressia (whose Masonic connections
   guarantee unusual opportunities).  Nostradama di Dolores, Montefacon, 27km
   north of Milan, though off the tourist track, amply repays a visit.  Here a
   collective of politically active industrial prostitutes combined to buy the
   freehold of a fourteenth century convent.  After evicting the nuns they
   completely redecorated it. On Saturdays in summer they re-create the Prem-Jac
   scenes from The Marat-Sade in the refectory.  It is necessary to book, and
   customers are expected to participate.

   The Police

   Extraordinarily corrupt and excitable. Armed to the teeth, they are compelled
   by the phenomenon of premature ejaculation to shoot first and take the bribe
   later.

   The Pope

   The respectable descendants of a long line of murderous fornicators and
   orgiasts who claim a blood connection with Jesus bar Joseph known as the
   Christ.  Encyclicals are involved, but in what way no one has fully
   discovered.  Former popes were more inclined to bludgeon and strangle their
   dinner guests and throw them into the Tiber, to marry their daughters and to
   introduce dancing girls and naked wrestlers into the performance of the High
   Mass, than is the present one, but he's Polish.

   What They Think Of Us

   The men believe that all English girls look like the Princess of Wales, and
   they would rather commit premature ejaculation with them than with any other
   nationals.

France

   Which of us under twenty has not thrilled to the anything-goes philosophy of
   Jean-Paul Sartre?

   The Girls.

   All the tarts in the Bois de Boulogne are Algerian transvestites, but their
   banter is both winning and witty.  Actual French prostitutes are the rudest
   and most expensive in Europe.  What you could get for $50 in London will cost
   you 1000ff in Paris.  At La Grande Pipe, 4 Rue de Douai, Place Pigalle, the
   girls, unaware that my investigator spoke excellent French, sneered at his
   technique and raucously called out his deficiencies to their colleagues
   working in adjacent rooms.  Such establishments are best avoided, since the
   girls have breasts like fried eggs and enormous pubic bushes reeking of
   garlic.  An exception to this rule are the black girls imported from Africa
   who climax like firecrackers.  As soon as penetration takes place they go
   BANG!  Then they don't want to know you.  Better to visit the famous Crazy
   Horse Saloon behind the Champs Elysees.  Here you will not be sneered at by
   the artistes: you are expected to take them back to your hotel after the
   show, and you will not be expected to pay.  They are all English, however.
   Upper class French girls combine sulkiness with glorious French chic and are
   even ruder than the tarts.  They are famed for their prudishness throughout
   the world and will only accept dinner dates if accompanied by the concierge,
   a monosyllabic old crone who will see that they are home by midnight and whom
   you will be expected to tip heavily.

   The Men

   A certain historic animosity exists between the yeomanry of our two
   countries, but if you are a certain age and class, your host will throw a
   cocktail party in your honour, which your wife will be expected to attend
   without her knickers.  As she arrives, lawyers, doctors, philosophers and
   politicians will raise her skirt and politely compliment her on her bottom.
   After introductory martinis, the guests will disrobe on the word 'salut'. The
   host will then take your wife to the centre of the room, where, to scattered
   applause, he will couple with her sophisticatedly.  Even under the socialist
   regime of President Mitterand, it is possible to meet most of the French
   Establishment at parties of this sort, the best of which are still given by
   M. Jean-Jacques Goupil, the toothpaste manufacturer, in spite of the bad
   publicity his parties received when, after one of them, the naked body of
   Natalie Delon's daughter was found in a polyethylene rubbish bag in the
   grounds of M. Goupil's country estate.  In France, such scandals are thought
   to be part and parcel of la vie en rose.

   Useful Phrases

   Un couillon - a policeman.
   Un sale con anglais - a tourist

U. S. A.

   San Francisco

   What gourmet traveller can fail to be impressed by San Francisco, city of
   contrasts?  The sea mists rolling in from the great Pacific, the superb fish
   restaurants on the lower wharves, the fans of discipline who chain themselves
   to police cars to be dragged out on emergency calls. It may not be your heart
   you leave in San Francisco, but your genitals in the faucet of a fire
   hydrant.

   The Girls

   Very few girls live in San Francisco, and those that do work nights and are
   unavailable for dinner. It is a scandal that back-street sex-change surgeons,
   often using unsterilised kitchen implements, have done so little to balance
   the ratio of men to women.

   The Men

   Owing to the American enthusiasm for doing everything with great vigour, the
   bodies of most San Fransiscan males are corrugated with the scars of dressage
   whips and many refuse Novocaine at the dentist, even for root canal work.

   Where The Locals Go

   The Mincing Machine in East Bay Road will reduce your expectations by a
   third, Cesar's Palace at 881 Bay View Plaza is a fine meeting place for
   cross-dressers and homosexual orgiasts, while Gay for A Laugh, two blocks
   north, has a world wide reputation for nude disco dancing, first line of coke
   free, anal shows and domination cubicles on the top floor.  Many bondage and
   discipline establishments register as churches and gain tax exemptions. Wrath
   Of God, Creationists, Seventh Day Adventists and some branches of the Mormon
   church offer clients correction, but no sex (in the Modern Mormon Church of
   San Francisco you may, for a contributions to the church's roof, be tied to a
   whipping posy and have your varicose veins normalised without anesthetic.)
   Others offer religion in the sense that they worship sex with their
   congregation in secret bunkers.

   The Legal Administration

   The unusual tolerance for sexual eccentricities goes right to the top of the
   State process.  Although many of the laws regulating minority financial
   interests are, by legislative anomaly, among the most draconian in America,
   an ex-mayor of San Francisco is a  gay, black, alternative comedian currently
   on Death Row for the unlawful killing of the Secretary of the local branch of
   the Teamsters' Union by the insertion of his whole fist into his anus,
   something specifically forbidden in the State's penal code since 1979, when
   the then District Attorney led a right wing backlash, resulting in a
   temporary return to traditional values.

   Los Angeles

   Driving south out of San Francisco down Highway 66, we soon come to Los
   Angeles, City of Angels.  Who could be failed to be moved by the Titanic
   vision of contemporary urban planners as we approach on the giant perifico?

   The Girls

   Tribalism has taken such a  hold on the young that the Silicone Generation is
   impregnable to the outsider.  Contact may be established, however, with the
   over 35's.  They are all mad, with leathery skins and gin traps fitted in
   their genitals.  With the help of certain chemicals, you will find that
   they'll do almost anything for an English gentleman.  On the negative side,
   they will tell you what they are doing while they are doing it.  This is for
   the benefit of their analysts and wearisome for the layman.  The most willing
   girls are English starlets, too proud to wait at a table.  Whereas five years
   ago, 73 percent of all prostitutes were undercover vice officers or
   sophomores putting themselves through college, today 73 percent of all
   prostitutes are English starlets.  This activity hinders their film careers
   towards the end, and many reach an uncomfortable crossroads when they are
   forced to choose between starring in a video nasty at the business end of a
   circular saw, or flying British Airways into Gatwick.

   The Men

   They are all very good-looking, very fit, very bronzed, very undemanding,
   very stupid, very successful, very rich and very clear-skinned.  This is no
   town for an Englishman. The only ways an Englishman can compete is by opening
   a pub and importing Watney's Red Barrel, or by pissing into his host's
   swimming pool at an all night pyjama party.

   What They Think Of Us

   A recently conducted poll suggests that the Princess of Wales could form a
   series of sexual connections in Los Angeles with very little difficulty

   Las Vegas

   Who, moving East, would not be awed by the majesty of the Rockies, the
   grandeur of the canyons, the happy marriage of supply-side economics and
   libertarian philosophy that is Nevada?  Declared an open state after the
   shooting of Bugsy Siegal in 1949, Nevada has determined that right of way at
   intersections should be decided on a survival of the fittest principle and
   may be established by an exchange of small arms fire.

   The Women

   Recognising that the only pressing sex problem is how to get it, Las Vegas's
   presiding junta (which consists of the local Chamber of Commerce, Sammy Davis
   Jr, Frank Sinatra and representatives from the country's leading Mafia
   families) has banned all performance oriented sex manuals on the grounds of
   obscenity (and their tendency to increase anxiety among fat little old men)
   and replaced them with directories listing the phone numbers and addresses of
   registered brothels.  Ironically, this free market paradise has produced more
   sexual paranoia in men and madness in women than existed under the previous
   authoritarian consensus.

   Miami

   A bachelors paradise.  Chance meetings at a restaurant, a drive-in, a short-
   order bar, a cocktail lounge or strolling by the shore.  A look, a nod, a
   secret smile, a small exchange of cash: these will lead you to a casual, yet
   fulfilling, come as you are, guilt free bout of sex.  All the women are over
   eighty five.

Australia

   Which Englishman has not dreamt of emigrating to this cultural paradise with
   it's glorious climate, subtropical contrasts, sun kissed beaches and Opera
   House?

   The Men

   All the foul mouthed, muscle headed Australian heterosexuals are over here
   writing novels and shoplifting. The men left at home are largely homosexuals,
   transvestites and collectors of decadent Viennese Art.  All the women look
   like Olivia Newton-John, but so do all the men.  Sydney, in fact, not San
   Francisco, is the drag capital of the world.  The parade of blond, muscle-
   bound, homosexual men on Bondi and Kirribillee is internationally famous, but
   less adequately built Englishmen in these locations may yet do well simply by
   offering to oil the topless girls, whether or not they are accompanied by
   their 'gayboy'.  If he attempts to interfere, push him gently but firmly
   aside; their musculature is strictly for show.  The evolutionary effect of
   this widespread inversion and surfboard bonding is that it now takes an
   average of eight Australian men to satisfy one woman.  This results in the
   practice known as 'next cab off the rank'.  An English girl who couples with
   an Australian should know that she will be expected to oblige consecutively
   his peers as well, up to the number of eight.  The phenomenon also accounts
   for Australia's all-white immigration party, for fear of spoiling the
   domestic market with unfair competition.

   The Women

   The gratitude of Australian women brought to a climax is famous throughout
   the world and accounts for the often substandard performance of visiting
   sporting teams kept up all night by the wives of the Australian
   representatives.  That some English Test teams were too boss-eyed to find a
   way to the wicket on recent Test tours is not to be taken to be a matter of
   wonder.  Because normal Australian housewives are for the above reasons,
   prepared to do anything with any foreigner who asks, prostitution is rare.
   (On a recent fact-finding mission to Darwin, my investigator formed a sexual
   connection with a domestic air hostess in the Nothing To Declare queue before
   setting foot in Australia proper.)  However, women may be paid a modest
   honorarium (the unit of currency is often a jumboburger) and this is not
   thought to indicate a moral lapse?

   The Most Common Form Of Sexual Activity

   Casual lesbianism is often resorted to by housewives, and their favourite
   practice is to smear themselves with Vegemite at Tupperware parties and lick
   each other clean.

   Venues For Tupperware Parties

   746 Inkerman Drive, Sydney 4006 612 Marine Avenue, sydney 7070 4006 Marie
   Celeste Road, Melbourne (Marmite is preferred here, Melbourne being a trifle
   more sophisticated than it's brash sister, Sydney.)

   Nightclubs, Bondage Bars and Venues for Meeting Dental Hygienists

   The Duke Of Devonshire ('Soft lights and candles up your pussy'), 1347 Kings
   Cross, Sydney, caters for most tastes.  Visitors are welcome and most credit
   cards are taken.

   What They Think Of Us

   Handsome, raffish cavaliers whose occasional failings at the wicket are more
   than compensated for by our off the seam successes in bed.

Asia

   Who has not dreamt of the mysterious East?  Of flying dragons and Ming
   commodes?  The dawn coming up like thunder out of China?  Of nimble little
   women scuttling like crabs across your body?

   The Women

   They are the most beautiful, the most pleasing in the world, and are commonly
   available for small change. The average charge for normal intercourse in your
   hotel room varies from $7.50 (Bangkok) to $5.95 (Manilla). Additionally, they
   do not talk, or, if they do, you cannot understand them.  They are also built
   unusually small and this makes them popular with Australians.  Because they
   are the size of eight year olds it is customary to order them three at a
   time.  For the same reason, they are popular among Australians, they may also
   appeal to lower grades of Englishmen (electricians, VAT officers, non-byline
   gossip writers.)

   Where To Meet The Best

   Bangkok: At the government tourist office recommended brothel on 3342 Yet Tut
   Phai Street, run by Madam Top, Expert Oriental Courtesans (or variegated
   prostitutes, as Kinsey and Whipple call them) will, for $8.50, anesthetise a
   patch on your scrotum with a chemical, make an incision with a scalpel and
   blow the scrotum up to the size of a tennis ball with a drinking straw.  The
   effect is unlike any you may have experienced.  At Pot Pullas on Omaha
   Boulevard 436, electricians and Germans may see Thai dancing girls throwing
   and catching frisbees in their vulvae.  Singapore: Most girls pass through
   the Piano Bar of the Imperial Hotel at least once a night.  Avoid any
   vegetable show recommended by the driver of a bicycle rickshaw.  Seoul: In
   Korea, you are advised to confine your activities to GI's or WAF's, since
   North Korean anti-imperialist prostitutes have infiltrated the south with
   homemade devices fitted internally.  When their victim has penetrated fully,
   a trembler device activates the fitment, which then closes like a badger
   trap, serrated spikes flying into the customers penis.  The prostitute then
   snaps her legs together and turns through 180 degrees, tearing the penis from
   the groin.  Ordinarily the customer dies of shock.  The practice was quickly
   recognised as a potent weapon in the sex war, and the technique, together
   with the international patent, was smuggled out of South Vietnam in 1974 by
   agents working for a provisional wing of Californian feminists based in La
   Jolla.  Ho Chi Minh City: No sex is permitted here without government
   permission. In 1968, it was possible, for $1,500, to see the wives of cabinet
   ministers extruding ping pong balls from their genitals in private cabarets.
   This is no longer the case, and requests for this kind of entertainment may
   lead to lengthy periods of confinement in a septic tank.  Hong Kong: Since
   the end of the Vietnam war, nowhere in Hong Kong can be recommended, though
   flights to Manilla offer free girls in the lavatories as a consumers premium.
   Duty free electrical appliances are no longer competitive, however.

   General Note

   Asian women west of Korea consider it impolite to climax in company; but in
   private they can insert, by a lifetime of yoga disciplines, up to five
   eighths of their own bodies into their genitals.  Kowloon call girls are
   bilingual, but this is extra.

   The Male Element

   Fiery local patriots who fight cocks and eat dogs.  So pugnacious are they
   that, in the absence of a second party, they will beat themselves up and lay
   bets on the outcome.  Be careful not to liven their indignation with Western
   sarcasm.

   What They Think Of Us

   They admire our ability to laugh at ourselves, particularly visiting literary
   men with their little pot bellies, bald heads and Amex cards.  English women
   are less admired, Mai Ling Yet, a variegated prostitute trained in Haiku
   writing, comments: 'Great ripples of Marbled fat stinking of red Meat - doggy
   breath: yuk!'  They all admire the Princess of Wales though.

-= sex humor =-=  291 =---------------------------------------------------------

Sellex - Portsleigh Road, Victoria, London SW1, 01-448 6234

Dear Sir/Madam,

   Thank you for your letter in response to our special Cat Suit offer.  Please
accept our apologies for the delay in responding; the demand was much greater
than anticipated.  However, we are delighted to say that our fitters will be in
your area on and will personally visit you at AM/PM.
   The body mould which needs to be taken requires an hour and a half.  At this
time, can you let our fitters know if you will be requiring the optional latex
ears and/or 'tickling whisker' mask.  The deposit of $140 should be paid at this
stage to secure delivery.  The balance becomes due on your satisfactory receipt
of the finished item.  We anticipate that there will be a gap of some six weeks
from the time the mould is made until the Cat Suit arrives on your doorstep.
This is due to transit time between out UK offices and the Hamburg factory.
   Lastly, may I remind you that, as one of our first thousand customers, you
are entitled to a bonus gift.  Select any three 'Hot' Continental books from the
Swedish best sellers list below.  Absolutely free!
   Simply indicate your choice on the coupon below and hand it to our fitters
along with the deposit when then call.

          Kind Regards
          C.Nelson
          Head of Sales Administration

Please rush me by return the following three free books by return. I am over 18.

() Big Momma Submission
() Strapped To The Max
() Spanking New
() Whip Me Senseless
() Latex Discipline
() Matron Knows Best
() Kiss My Jackboots
() 'Anything But The Enema Bag'
() Madam Stormtrooper
() Cane Me Stupid
() Desiree Dominatrix In Prague
() Stiletto Surrender
() Butch Beyond Belief
() Steaming Rubber Bath Night

Name...
Address...
Signed...

-= sex humor =-=  292 =---------------------------------------------------------

Though Brigette Bardot represented freedom to others, she herself came from a
fiercely, repressive petit-bourgeois background.  On her wedding night (after
the civil ceremony, but before the religious one), her father stood at the end
of the bed with a shotgun, ready to shoot Roger Vadim if he attempted to enter
the bridal suite.  Though she appeared nude in many pictures, BB (or the Sex
Kitten, as she was known to a generation) now devotes herself to animal rights
and the restoration of traditional values.  In the summer, she runs up and down
the beach at St. Tropez with a paddle, cursing topless bathers and swatting at
their parts.

-= sex humor =-=  293 =---------------------------------------------------------

A brother and sister are in bed together.  The brother turns to his sister and
says, "Wow, you are almost as good as mom!"  The sister replies, "Yeah, that's
what dad said."

-= sex humor =-=  294 =---------------------------------------------------------

The circus has just come to town and this 8 year old girl really wants to go...
Girl:  Daddy, I really want to go to the circus and I'll do anything!
Daddy: Really?  You will do anything?
Girl:  Yes daddy, just tell me.
Daddy: Well, (as he unzips his pants) you will have to suck me.
Girl:  After having been on him for a few seconds, she gets up and says, "Daddy,
       this tastes like shit!"
Daddy: Oh yeah, your little brother also will be going with you.

-= sex humor =-=  295 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Inflation was getting out of hand so Joe suggested to his wife, Louise, that
they try a unique way to save some money on the side.
   "Every time I lay you, I'll give you a dollar for your piggy bank," he said.
   A few weeks later, they decided to open the piggy bank.  Out tumbled a bunch
of dollars, but there were also many bundles of fives, tens, and twenties.
   "Louise," asked Joe, "where did you get all that money?  Each time we fucked,
I only gave you a dollar."
   "So?" she said.  "Do you think everyone is as stingy as you?"

-= sex humor =-=  296 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and he noticed
someone near the train shouting at one of the departing passengers, "Goodbye.
Your wife was a great lay!  Your wife was a great lay!"
   The man was stunned.
   After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who had been shouting
and asked, "Did I hear you correctly?  Did you just tell that man his wife was
a great lay?"
   The other man shrugged his shoulders.  "It isn't really true," he said, "but
I don't want to hurt his feelings."

-= sex humor =-=  297 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two man are talking in a bar.
   Man #1 says, "Did you know that 60 of all man fall immediately in sleep after
they have fucked a woman?"
   To which Man #2 asks, "No, but what about the other 40?"
   Man #1 replies, "The other 40 must first drive home before they can sleep..."

-= sex humor =-=  298 =---------------------------------------------------------

In a sex survey, the question was asked - "What are the three most popular
things men do after sex?"

3. Turn over and go to sleep
2. Light up a cigarette
1. Go home to the wife

-= sex humor =-=  299 =---------------------------------------------------------

The sex was fast and furious.  He was fast and she was furious.

-= sex humor =-=  300 =---------------------------------------------------------

   John McCarthy gets home after being released by the towel-head kidnappers.
He gets together with the lovely Jill who has been waiting for him all this
time, and they prepare for their first bonk in five years.
   "John, I know this might be difficult for you after all this time, so if
there's anything special you want me to do, go fast or slow or anything, just
say and I'll do it."
   "Well, there are two things..." replies John.
   "Yes, tell me what you want, it'll be okay."
   "First, I want to take you from behind...doggy style...up the ass."
   She pales slightly, swallows and says: "Well, okay then, we can do that if
that's what you want.  What's the second thing?"
   "And can I call you Henry?"

-= sex humor =-=  301 =---------------------------------------------------------

From the Winnipeg Free Press:

Dateline: London
   A British man was found guilty yesterday of having sex with a dog after a
video he made of the act was inadvertently shown to speechless wedding guests
expecting to see a replay of a marriage ceremony.
   The 59-year-old man lent his video recorder to a friend to film the wedding,
but forgot to erase from the tape scenes of him in sex acts with a neighbor's
bull terrier named Ronnie.

-= sex humor =-=  302 =---------------------------------------------------------

M.B.A.s Are Best

As if there aren't enough people applying to business school already, a new
study suggests that married M.B.A.s enjoy sex more than other professionals.
M.B.A.s had the highest score in a preliminary sexual-satisfaction index
compiled by Jennifer Knopf, a sex therapist at Northwestern University; Ph.D.s,
in contrast, had the lowest score.  Lawyers and doctors were in the middle.  The
80 married couples surveyed received points based on sexual problems, how
satisfying their sex life was, how often they desired intercourse, and how often
they had it.

-= sex humor =-=  303 =---------------------------------------------------------

Sex could get the economy going by having a VFT introduced, a Variable
Fornication Tax, which would be self assessment.  Each act would incur a tax of
$5.00.  Pensioners would get a rebate of the first 50 being free, and for people
over 80 lodging a return, they would receive membership to the Australian
Institute of Sport!

-= sex humor =-=  304 =---------------------------------------------------------

From: IRS
Re:  Notice Of Tax Increase (Form 1040P)

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis.  This is due to the fact
that 40% of the time, it is hanging around unemployed; 20% of the time, it is
pissed off; 30% of the time, it is hard up; and 10% of the time, it is in the
hole. On top of this, it has two dependents who are both are nuts.  Accordingly,
starting January 1, 1995, your penis will be taxed according to its size.  To
determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this
information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

 *12-10 inches  -  Luxury Tax......$50.00
  10- 8 inches  -  Pole Tax........$30.00
   8- 6 inches  -  Privilege Tax...$15.00
   6- 4 inches  -  Nuisance Tax....$ 6.00

 *Males Exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains

Please Note : Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

Please do not request an extension.

Sincerely,

Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service

-= sex humor =-=  305 =---------------------------------------------------------

Men seem to become less interested in sex after marriage.  In some cases, the
situation is so bad that the husband changes positions more often when he's
asleep than he does during sex, the husband doesn't go to sleep immediately
after sex but instead goes to sleep during sex, and if Madonna was married to
one of these men, she wouldn't just feel like a virgin, she'd be a virgin!

-= sex humor =-=  306 =---------------------------------------------------------

   When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a
sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on.  So we called the bed our "Ocean
Of Motion Love Potion".  Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The
Dead Sea".

-= sex humor =-=  307 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A friend of mine was taking psychology at San Francisco State College.  The
professor and class were discussing Penis Envy, or more accurately, they were
discussing the reams of evidence refuting this redoubtable phenomenon.  The
professor told the students of the experience of a friend of hers...
   A male friend was taking a shower in the presence of his three-year-old
daughter.  The daughter looked at her dad and said, "Daddy, you have a penis."
   The father said, "Yes, I do."
   The kid said, "I don't have a penis."
   The dad said, "Yes, that's right."
   The kid said, "Mommy doesn't have a penis."
   Again, the dad confirmed.
   The daughter frowned, and then looked up at her dad reassuringly and said,
"Well Daddy, I don't think you should worry, because yours is very small."
   The psychology professor thought this was an excellent case for the existence
of "Penis Pity."

-= sex humor =-=  308 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman was complaining to her best friend over lunch.  "Every time my
husband climaxes, he lets out an ear-splitting yell."
   "That doesn't sound all that bad to me," said her friend.  "As a matter of
fact, that would kind of turn me on."
   "It would me too," said the first woman, "if it just didn't keep waking me up
and if he didn't keep moaning our daughter's name in his sleep!!"

-= sex humor =-=  309 =---------------------------------------------------------

Reasons To Have Sex

Sex as a Tranquilizer -

"I always sleep 100% better after sex. I'm an actor, so if I have anxiety the
night before a performance, I don't sleep that well.  So on those nights I make
sure to have some sex. It's the greatest tranquilizer I've found.  And there are
no side effects. It's pretty addictive, though."  - Sammy Dunlop, Actor

Sex as a Reward -

"If my wife does me a favor or something really nice for me, then I'll eat her
pussy for an extra-long time.  My wife is a real sweetheart.  My friends ask why
she's so nice."  - Terry Williamson, Physical Education Teacher.

Sex to Fight Addiction -

"I've been trying to quit smoking cigarettes for years.  As of today, I haven't
had a smoke in 42 days.  Sex is the one thing that really seems to help when I
get a craving.  It takes my mind right off the cigarettes totally. The hard part
is after sex, because then I really want a smoke."  - Les Clark, Art Director
(Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. - M.F.)

Sex as a Laxative -

"I have a lifelong constipation problem.  I've noticed that there is a direct
correlation between my constipation and my sex life. I get real constipated when
I'm not having sex regularly, and I'm fine if I'm having sex.  I also think it's
good to have a lover massage my anus with her finger.  I think it's healthy. And
it feels so good."  - Jimmy Turnowski, Attorney

Sex to Get to Know Someone -

"I find that having sex with someone is a great way to get to know them.  That's
why I still like to fuck on the first date.  I can tell a lot about a person by
fucking them."  - Janet Rivera, Real Estate Agent

Sex as Meditation -

"I use masturbation as my primary form of meditation. I put on some space music,
put in my vibrator then empty my mind and just float.  It's incredible. It helps
me get in touch with my emotions.  Sometimes I'll do affirmations and pray while
I masturbate.  I focus inward and just love myself.  I think of my masturbation
rituals as my path to enlightenment."  - Katrina Rainbow, New Age Girl

Sex to Make Money -

"I use sex to make a lot of money. It's that simple" - Susie Que, Prostitute

Sex for Magic -

"I'm in a witches coven.  If we want to accomplish something very important we
use sex in our magic ceremonies.  It's called "sex magic."  It's the most
powerful form of magic we do.  It always works.  Once we raised $25,000 for an
orphanage in Mexico with sex magic."  - Jane Contrella, Witch

Sex for Manipulation -

"I'm in the music business, which is a really rough business.  I use sex to get
what I want.  I got a nice little recording contract with only one blowjob. With
sex you get them at their most vulnerable."  - D.C., Lead Singer in a Rock Band

Sex for Gardening -

"I know this sounds a bit strange, but I have a beautiful garden, and I jerk off
onto my plants.  I love jerking off outdoors; so I figure while I'm at it, I'll
kill two birds with one stone, and sprinkle my sperm onto a plant that needs a
little extra care. I figure if sperm can create a life, it must be a good
fertilizer."  - Jonathan Dunlap, Interior Decorator

Sex to Increase Energy -

"I was living with a guy, and we were going to start a T-shirt business.  We
worked day and night to get it off the ground. We used sex to keep us awake and
full of energy. My lover would fuck me, but not have an orgasm. So we would fuck
six, seven, eight times a day just to get our energy up.  The business was a big
success, until I left him.  Then it went quickly down hill."  - Nora Govan, Pot
Dealer

Sex as a Gift -

"For my best friend's 40th birthday, I sent her this very sexy, hot, 22 year old
guy to make love to her.  She said it was the best present she'd ever had in her
entire life."  - Carol Sternhell, Modeling Agent

Sex to Wake Up -

"I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I fucking hate alarm clocks.  The best way to get
me out of bed is to fuck me hard and fast for just a few minutes.  A nice, wild
quickie first thing in the morning, and I'm wide awake, baby."  - Robin Spear,
Bartender

Sex to Cure Back Pain -

"I hurt my back doing gymnastics when I was a teenager.  Now sometimes my lower
back really hurts.  One thing I found that really helps is anal sex.  I swear to
God, it really works."  - Bubbles Delight, Stripper

Sex to Keep Warm in the Winter -

"We like to go skiing up in the Catskills. If we stay in a cabin and there's not
a lot of heat, what better way to stay warm than to make mad, passionate love?
It's better than an electric blanket any day."  - Scott Chelnk, Writer/Editor

Sex as a Cream Rinse -

"In high school we would try to get girls to suck our dicks by telling them that
sperm made their hair real shiny. None of them believed me, but I'll betcha it's
true."  - Michael Cyril, Costumer

Sex for Stress Reduction -

"Some men like to go to the bar during lunch hour to relax.  I like to visit my
lover.  Then I return to work totally relaxed, which lasts about an hour,
because I have a high pressure job."  - Charles Lenhoff, Stockbroker

Sex as a Spiritual Experience -

"Being so totally and completely in love with my mate, I find that sex can be a
manifestation of godliness.  When we connect, I feel at one with the Earth, with
God and with Life. I feel so whole and complete and so holy and nourished." -
Rubin Howard, Nursery School Teacher

Sex for Exercise -

"Sex is great for maintaining physical fitness.  My girlfriend has really hard
thighs from being on top.  It's great exercise.  She demands that I don't come
until she finishes her thigh workout.  And look at my arms.  That's just from
pumping nookie.  It's good for the heart.  You know, cardiovascular stuff.  It's
the only exercise I do, and I'm in great shape."  - Bob Dee Widder, Jewelery
Salesman

Sex for Thrills and Adventure -

"My boyfriend and I live dangerously.  We have all kinds of wild sexual
adventures.  Last week, we were at the movies, and he was playing with my pussy
the whole time.  It was raining and we were under an umbrella with raincoats on.
No one could tell what we were doing.  It was exciting."  - Kitty Wichner,
Dietician

Sex for a Laugh -

"I love to laugh in bed.  Sex can be really funny."  - Georgio Deano, Pizza Shop
Owner

Sex as a Cure for Baldness -

"In my early 20s, I was still a hippie, and I had this great long hair.
Suddenly, it started coming out in big clumps.  I had this brainstorm that if
semen could make new people, maybe it could make new hair.  So at night before I
went to sleep, I would masturbate and rub it all over my scalp.  When I woke up
in the morning it would be all dried up, shrunk, almost painful.  Then I'd wash
it out.  It definitely worked.  My hair stopped falling out. I've used a similar
treatment for acne."  - Fitugu Tadesse, Zoologist

Sex for Voice Training -

"I'm studying singing, and I was really having trouble with a particular phrase.
My teacher is great. He said, 'Think of this microphone as a cock, and make love
to it with your voice, like a sort of blowjob with sound.' So I tried it, and it
worked great.  Now I have a microphone fetish!"  - Debora Kovacs, Up and Coming
Singer

Sex to Achieve Altered States -

"If I'm having really great sex, all kinds of amazing things happen.  I leave my
body and have an out of body experience.  I become breathed by the universe, and
I go into trance states.  I've even had revelations and awakened memories of
past lives."  - Arthur Abarbanel, Crystal Salesman

Sex for Mosquito Bites -

"When I was 18, I moved out of my parent's house to a little house in the
country. On my first night, I woke up with a billion mosquito bites.  I hadn't
bought screens for the windows yet.  So I open the medicine cabinet, and there's
no Calamine lotion.  So I figured I needed something soothing and liquid. Yogurt
and sperm were all I had.  So I tried them both.  They both worked."  - Darryl
Stipanela, Law Student

Sex for a Good Deed -

"There was this really fat girl, the fattest girl in all of Woodstock.  We were
talking one night, and she confessed to me that the worst part of being fat was
that she hadn't had sex in three years. So I told her, being the nice guy that I
am, that I would have sex with her. I didn't really want to do it, but I climbed
on board.  It was like being on a rubber raft in the ocean.  I fucked her for a
good hour.  She totally came to life.  Her eyes were sparkling. It was beautiful
to watch.  The only problem was that afterward she wouldn't leave me alone."  -
Marco Vassi, Erotic Writer

Sex as Art -

"I'm a very creative person. I like to express myself. They say sex is an art. I
see it that way, just like painting or performing.  I can express myself
creatively and imaginatively through sex.  And believe me, I'm very creative.
Very."  - Tanya Le Oiep Modern Dancer

-= sex humor =-=  310 =---------------------------------------------------------

A friend of mine sent me this today and I feel it is just too rich not to share
it with you...

   Well, this DJ, posing as a representative from a vibrator company, made a
call to a lady who had just bought a vibrator a few weeks ago.  (Her boyfriend
clued them in.  He also told them that she never used it.)  The scam was that
there was a problem with the vibrator that could possibly cause an allergic
reaction.
   When asked if the young woman had used the vibrator she, sounding very prim
and proper, said that she hadn't, that she had bought it to give to a friend as
a gag gift.  The DJ said that if it had been used it was important that the
person get treatment as soon as possible and that the company would pay for all
expenses.
   The woman then admitted that she had used the vibrator once. The DJ (sounding
very much like a DJ) explained more about the problem with the vibrator.  He
then said that it was very important to ascertain how often the vibrator was
used.  The woman then admitted that she had probably used it about once a day.
   "Once a day!?  For three weeks!!?"   He went on and on about that for a
while.  Then he said something to the effect that that degree of usage would
most likely cause a woman to listen to Chad and Mike on Super 102.  He then
identified himself and revealed the scam.
   "Oh, no!" said the woman.  "Nobody will hear this, will they?"
   "They're hearing it right now."
   "Oh, nooooo!.."

Can you imagine this poor woman going to work the next day?  I was screaming.

-= sex humor =-=  311 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop.  His boss
comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle
it?"  The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive
comments, he finally agrees.
   So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a redhead woman comes
in.
   She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
   He answers, "$35."
   She: "How much for the black one?"
   He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
   She: "I think I'll take the black one.  I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
   A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, "How much for the black
dildo?"
   He: "$35."
   She: "How much for the white one?"
   He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
   She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one.  I've never had a white one
before..."  She pays him, and off she goes.
   About an hour later, a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"
   He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
   She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
   He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
   She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had
a plaid one before...."  She pays him, and off she goes.
   Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
   To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

-= sex humor =-=  312 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman walked into a sex shop to buy a vibrator.  She asked the man at the
counter, "Where are the vibrators?"
   He said, "Follow me, come this way" by waggling with his finger.
   She responded, "If I could come this way, why would I need a vibrator, you
idiot?"

-= sex humor =-=  313 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A lady went to her doctor when she accidentally got her vibrator stuck deep
inside of her.
   "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a
very long and delicate operation."
   "I don't think I could afford an operation right now," replied the lady.
"Could you just replace the batteries for a nominal fee?"

-= sex humor =-=  314 =---------------------------------------------------------

James, the country club instructor, spent hours trying to teach the shapely
young teenage girl how to swim.  They had been in the pool all morning when she
finally asked him, "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

-= sex humor =-=  315 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A white guy and black guy are next to each other at the urinals.  The white
guy looks over and says, "That's a fine member you've got there."
   Black guy replies, "Yes it is, isn't it.  Of course, you know we don't start
out with them like this.
   White guy gets curious and asks, "Then how do you get them so big?"
   Black guy says, "Tie a piece of string to the end and hang a lead weight on
it."
   White guy says, "Okay, I'll try that."
   A week passes and the two meet in the urinal stalls again.  The black guy
asks the white guy, "How's it coming on then?"
   White guy says, "Well, it's getting there."
   Black guy asks, "Oh.  How's that?"
   White guy says, "Well, it's turned black."

-= sex humor =-=  316 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her
how often she has intercourse.
   "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
   The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
   "I can't," says the woman.  "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."

-= sex humor =-=  317 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains.  After the
diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be
something you're doing that you haven't told me.  Can you think of anything that
might be doing this to your knees?"
   "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style
on the floor every night."
   "That's got to be it," said the doctor.  "There are plenty of other positions
and ways to have sex, you know."
   "Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.

-= sex humor =-=  318 =---------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.
"You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.
"How can I?" she shot back.  "You're never here!"

-= sex humor =-=  319 =---------------------------------------------------------

A naked woman gets into a taxi.  When they reach their destination, the driver
looks over his shoulder and tells the woman how much she has to pay.  The woman,
being naked, decides to pay in a different way and lies back in the seat, opens
her legs up, and says, "How about this?"  The driver takes a look and then
replies, "Haven't you got anything smaller?"

-= sex humor =-=  320 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A naked woman is getting into a taxi.  The amazed driver looks at her with an
open mouth.
   "Something wrong?" asks the woman. "Haven't you seen a naked women before?"
   "Yes, answers the driver, "but I'm wondering from where you'll get your
money?"

-= sex humor =-=  321 =---------------------------------------------------------

   At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the
presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you
please comment on this."
   "The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."

-= sex humor =-=  322 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy who has nothing to do all day except play with himself, gets very down
and hard on his luck, so he finally decides to consult a palmist regarding his
future.
   He meets the palmist and asks him about job possibilities, marriage prospects
etc.  The palmist takes one good look at his hands and orders him to strip from
the waist down.  He then tells him that everything will fall into place within
six months...that he'll find a great high paying job and also get a gorgeous
wife.
   After six months, he goes back to the palmist all happy and glowing because
all the predictions have come true. but one essential question remains.  He asks
respectfully, "If you don't mind, will you please tell me why did you tell me to
strip on that day?"
   The palmist replies, "Well! That's easy enough; you've used your hand so much
that all the lines got imprinted down there!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  323 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Once upon a time, King Arthur was preparing for a long campaign.  Wanting to
make sure the lovely Guinevere was safe from temptation, the King had her fitted
with an ingenious chastity belt that amputated anything attempting penetration.
King Arthur then rode off to battle.
   Returning victorious six months later, the suspicious King ordered all the
palace retainers to drop their pants in the courtyard.  One by one, King Arthur
saw stumps where their penises had been, except for one man who stood intact at
the end of the line.
   "At least one amongst you is virtuous enough to resist temptation.  A man of
honor indeed!" cried the King joyfully, throwing his arms around his loyal
retainer.  "And what is your name?"
   The man blushed and replied, "Aaaaghkohullhh."

-= sex humor =-=  324 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status
figures in France.  The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything
to be perfect.  At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach
with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
   Very grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the
steps, and out to the beach.  As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a
beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the
beach.  He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even
just come down and *talk* to me."  He went back to gathering the snails.  All of
the sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
   They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing
around.  It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out
there.  At seven o'clock the next morning, he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!!
My wife's dinner party!!!"  He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.  He ran down the beach all the way to
his apartment.
   He ran up the stairs of his apartment.  He was in such a hurry that when he
got to the top of the stairs, he *dropped* the bucket of snails.  There were
snails all down the stairs.  The door opened just then, with a very angry wife
standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
   He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back
at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

-= sex humor =-=  325 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop.  One night, he was awakened
by strange noises coming from below.  He tiptoed downstairs and quietly observed
that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and masturbating
with a liverwurst.  He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
   The next morning, a customer cam in and asked for some liverwurst.  The
butcher explained that he didn't have any.
   The customer was annoyed.  He pointed and said, "No liverwurst, eh?  Well,
what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"
   The butcher frowned at him and replied, "That, sir, is my son-in-law."

-= sex humor =-=  326 =---------------------------------------------------------

   At a party, a guy approached a girl and whispered something in her ear.
   "You filthy pervert!!" she shrieked.  "What makes you think I'd let you do a
thing like that to me?"
   Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that
stole my diary!"

-= sex humor =-=  327 =---------------------------------------------------------

There are nine very important men in a woman's life.  They are:
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."

-= sex humor =-=  328 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A grocer delivery man was sick and so he got his mate to stand in for him.
   "Now listen," said the sick dude, "deliver these groceries to Mrs. Franny.
Remember, her name is Fanny with an 'r'."
   "Okay," says his mate, "got it."
   So his mate gets the groceries, puts them in his truck, and drives down the
road, thinking to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r."
He stops at the lights still saying to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an
r, Fanny with an r."
   Finally, he finds the house and goes up to the front door, still thinking,
"Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r", knocks on the door, "Fanny
with an r, Fanny with an r."
   The lady opens the door and he is still thinking, "Fanny with an r, Fanny
with an r."  And he says to her, "Here are your groceries, Mrs. Krunt!!!"

-= sex humor =-=  329 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A newly qualified minister is apprenticed as curate to a parish in Billericay
(in Essex, home of the Billericay Dicky of huge -er- renown), and he is told by
the bishop to go out amongst the people in the streets in order that he can
start his pastoral care with some knowledge of his parishioners.
   The young man thinks this is a good idea and he walks down the main street of
the town looking for people to talk with. The first person he meets is a young,
attractive woman standing under a streetlight.
   "Hello my dear, I'm your new minister. How are you?"
   "Fine"
   "Can I ask what you do?"
   "Well, I'm in business, you know... for myself."
   "And what is the nature of your business?"
   "Er...I'm a performer."
   "Ah, a thespian! And may I ask, how is business these days?"
   "Great! In fact, if I had another pair of legs, I'd open in the West End!"

-= sex humor =-=  330 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This old farmer had three daughters, all of whom had their first date on the
same night.  Being a very jealous man, he waited on the porch with a shotgun for
the arrival of these young men.
   The first fellow shows up and says, "Hi!  My name is Freddy.  I'm here to see
Betty.  We're going to eat Spaghetti.  Is she ready?"
   The farmer thinks to himself that Freddy is an alright kid.  So he lowers his
shotgun and says, "Okay Freddy, Betty is ready to go eat spaghetti."
   A while later, the second young man shows up and says, "Hi!  My name is Joe.
I'm here to see Flo.  We're going to the show.  Is she ready to go?"
   The old farmer thinks Joe is alright too, so he lowers his shotgun again and
says, "Okay, Flo can go to the show with you Joe."
   A short time later, the third young man shows up and says, "Hi!  My name is
Chuck."
   And the old man blows his head off.

-= sex humor =-=  331 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming
to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot.  Would you have
something to get me going all night.  It is going to be a hell of a party."
   The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and
says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee
that you will be doing the wild thing all night.  Let me know about it."
   The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work
and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The
pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early?  How was your weekend?"
   The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle
reliever).
   The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are
you crazy, you can't put that on your penis.  The skin is way too sensitive."
   The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."
   Pharmacist says, "What??  What happened?"
   Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
   Pharmacist says, "And..."
   Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"

-= sex humor =-=  332 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter.  Standing behind the
counter is a young woman.
   "May I speak to the pharmacist?" he asks.
   "Well," she replies, "I am the pharmacist."
   He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a *male* pharmacist, as he has a
"male problem."
   She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular
establishment.
   He blushes and says, "Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you...
I have a problem.  I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid
of it.  It's been like this for three months now.  Can you give me anything for
it?"
   The woman looks thoughtful, and says, "Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my
sister."
   After a couple of minutes she returns and says, "We'll give you half of the
business and it's profits, but that's all we can give you for it..."

-= sex humor =-=  333 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.  The doctor examined him
and asked, "What happened?"
   "Well, doc, I live in a trailer park," the man explained, "And from where I
am, I can see this absolutely stunning and gorgeous babe.  She's blonde and
built like a Corvette, just all curves.  Anyway, she's so horny that every night
I see her take a hotdog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the
floorboard of her trailer.  Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the
hotdog.
   "And?" prompted the doctor.
   "Well," said the man, "I felt that this was a lot of wasted pussy, so, one
day, I slid myself underneath her trailer and when she put the hotdog into the
hole, I removed it and substituted my dick.  It was a great idea and everything
was going real good, too.  Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off
my hotdog and tried to kick it under the stove."

-= sex humor =-=  334 =---------------------------------------------------------

   On the bus ride to work one morning, the driver tells this guy as he's
getting on, "Man!  You look terrible today!"
   The guy replies, "Really?!  I feel great."
   As the guy goes into his office, his boss takes one look at him and says,
"You look just awful this morning!  Are you sure you're not sick?"
   Again, the guy replies, "But I feel really great."
   These comments get directed at the guy all day until he finally decides to
visit the doctor after work.  The doctor sees him and immediately says, "Geez,
you look just awful and disheveled!"
   The guy replies, "Yeah, I know, doc.  Everyone's been telling me that all
day.  But I feel great...really wonderful.  What's wrong with me?"
   The doctor gets out his huge medical reference book and starts thumbing
through it, talking to himself, "Hmmm...looks great, feels terrible...  No,
that's not what you have...  Ah, here it is...looks terrible, feels great."
   "What is it, doctor?" the guy anxiously asks.
   "Well, it says here in my book that you're a vagina."

-= sex humor =-=  335 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: "Name
the three best advantages of mother's milk."
   The student immediately writes, "One:  It has all the healthful nutrients
needed to sustain a baby.  Two:  It is inside the mother's body and therefore
protected from germs and infections."
   But the student can't think of the third answer.  Finally, he writes, "Three:
It comes in such nice containers."

-= sex humor =-=  336 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room.  The doctor
examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"
   "Breast fed," answered the woman.
   "Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
   The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.  He
squeezed and pulled each one for awhile and then he sucked hard on each nipple.
   Suddenly he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition
You don't have any milk!"
   "That's right," said the woman.  "This is my sister's child."
   "Well," said the startled doctor.  "I had no idea.  You shouldn't have come."
   "I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second
breast."

-= sex humor =-=  337 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A new mother to a couple of twins is perfectly normal except for her breasts;
one is as big as a coconut and the other one is of smaller size like a
grapefruit.  And sure enough, the twins are always fighting for the bigger one
when it comes to breast-feeding.  The younger twin always lose out to his elder
twin and gets more and more pissed off each time.
   One fine day, he couldn't take it any longer.  So he gets up in the middle of
the night while everybody else is asleep, applies some deadly poison on the
nipple of his mom's bigger breast, and goes back to sleep.
   The next morning, the younger twin wakes up to find his mother sobbing and
asks her, "Ma, why are you crying?  What's wrong?"
   To which she replies, "It's your dad!  I found him this morning dead in bed!"

-= sex humor =-=  338 =---------------------------------------------------------

   One day, Superman was flying over the city when looking down he saw Wonder
Woman sunbathing nude on the roof of some building.  He said to himself, "Since
the first time that I saw her, I have been dreaming about her; here is my
chance."  So Superman goes into a dive, in and out like a flash, then goes back
up in the sky to his duties.
   Wonder Woman, noting that something had happened, says, "What was that?"
   The Invisible Man stands up and replies, "I do not know, but I sure felt
something strange going on in my ass."

-= sex humor =-=  339 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two girls are watching a movie together in a theater.  One girl leaned over
to the other one and said, "Angie, the man next to me is masturbating!!"
   "Just ignore him," replied her friend.
   "I can't," she said. "He's using my hand!"

-= sex humor =-=  340 =---------------------------------------------------------

Notoriously reckless Israeli drivers kill 500 people a year on that nation's
highways, versus an average of about 35 deaths a year suffered in skirmishes
with Palestinians.  Tel Aviv advertising agency head Zeev Lichtenzon erected
posters around town in December of 1993, boldly chastising Israeli drivers with
the message: "Research proves: Drivers who get rowdy on the road have small
penises."  Said Lichtenzon, "Men love their cars more than their women."
According to a "New York Newsday" columnist in February of 1994, another Israeli
billboard reads, "Research Shows: Too Fast on the Road, Too Fast in Bed", and
features a protruding tube that periodically spurts white foam.

-= sex humor =-=  341 =---------------------------------------------------------

A couple of Army recruits were sitting on their bunks late one night
masturbating, when one said to the other, "How come you're going so slow?"  "I
just can't think of any chicks right now who are worth hurrying about" he
replied.

-= sex humor =-=  342 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man went out behind his barn and caught his son playing with his manhood.
The father said, "Son, get a girl.  She'd be twice as good as what you're doing
there."
   The son replied, "Dad, if she'd twice as good as this, I don't think I could
stand it."

-= sex humor =-=  343 =---------------------------------------------------------

They have just concluded an extensive study and found out why there is a head on
the penis.  It's so your hand won't slip off.

-= sex humor =-=  344 =---------------------------------------------------------

From "News Of The Weird":

   John Dawson, 26, was arrested in South St. Paul, Minnesota, in February after
the failure of his alleged elaborate scheme to have sex.
   Police say he broke into a young woman's apartment just before she arrived,
left her a note on the kitchen table, then undressed, put duct tape over his
eyes and handcuffed himself to her bed.  In the note were instructions that she
was to go into her bedroom immediately and have sex with him because a man with
a gun had kidnapped him and was waiting to kill yet another person if she
refused.
   Instead, she ran to the police, and Dawson, who had left the key to his
chains on the kitchen table, could not free himself before they arrived.

-= sex humor =-=  345 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The ladies club was playing bridge on Saturday at a member's home.  That
woman's husband comes into the room and announces that he's going to go golfing.
"Nice seeing you ladies," he says.  "How about a goodbye kiss, honey?"
   His wife walks over to him, unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, and plants
a kiss right on the head.  All the other ladies sat there too stunned to say
anything.  The woman calmly zips him back up, says goodbye, and sits back down
to play cards.
   After the husband is gone, one of the women says, "I just have to ask.  Why
do you kiss your husband goodbye on his thing?!?"
   "Obviously," said the woman, "you've never smelled his breath!"

-= sex humor =-=  346 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Michelle is at her first golf lesson.  The golf pro tells her, "Alright, now
get a good grip on that club. Hold the club like you hold your husband's penis."
   She takes the club and hits the ball.
   He says, "Beautiful.  Perfect shot!  Now, take the club out of your mouth,
put it in your hands, and we'll work on your putting."

-= sex humor =-=  347 =---------------------------------------------------------

Cyclists are Sexier

"Bicycling Magazine" did a survey that showed:
   Eighty-four percent of its readers think about sex while cycling.
   When they're thinking, often they think about other cyclists; 68 percent of
the women readers said other cyclists are more sexually attractive than
non-cyclists.  Sixty percent of the men agreed.
   Twenty-eight percent of all respondents said they met a sex partner through
cycling.  And two-thirds said cycling makes them better lovers.
   While a majority of of the men surveyed said they thought about sex while
cycling, a majority of the women said they thought about cycling during sex.

-= sex humor =-=  348 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man was very shy, and couldn't speak to more than two people at a time
without getting nervous.  His boss and wife both suggested that he take an
Andrew Carnegie course.
   He did take the course, and was such a success that they asked him to give
the commencement speech for his class.  He gave his talk on "How An Active Sex
Life Helps a Marriage".  It was an overwhelming success.
   When he got home, his wife asked what he spoke about.  Embarrassed to tell
the truth, he told her "My Experiences while Boating".
   A few days later, his wife ran into his instructor.  The instructor was
saying what a wonderful talk her husband had given.  To which she replied, "I
was surprised at the topic he chose.  He has only done it twice.  The first
time, he got sea-sick, and the second time, he fell off!"

-= sex humor =-=  349 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy comes home all excited.  "Honey, I've discovered a new position we can
try to spice up our sex life!"
   The wife asks, "What's that?"
   The husband replies, "Back to back."
   The woman thinks for a moment and says, "That's impossible.  It can't be
done."
   The husband says, "Sure it can.  And I've persuaded another couple to help
us."

-= sex humor =-=  350 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man walked into a talent agency with a briefcase.  He opened it and out
popped a midget which played beautiful music on a miniature piano.
   Now the talent scout was really impressed.  So he asked the man how he got
such a treasure.
   The man replied, "You see, I was walking down the beach this one day when I
came upon a bottle on the sand.  I opened the bottle and out came an old genie.
Said he has been trapped in the bottle for 5000 years, and since I freed him,
would grant me a wish.  But the damned genie, he was old and deaf, he thought I
wanted a 12-inch pianist!"

-= sex humor =-=  351 =---------------------------------------------------------

   An explorer in a distant land was granted a visit with the ruler of the
kingdom.  After being taken through a large, ornate castle, he was introduced to
the king.  The king was an impressive figure except for one unusual feature, his
head was quite small, about the size of an apple.  After talking with the king
for some time, the explorer could not contain his curiosity any longer and asked
the king about the size of his head.
   After a pause, the king explained that he had not always been a king and had,
in fact, been a fisherman when he was much younger.  One day, while out fishing,
he had pulled in his net, and found a mermaid in the net. From the waist up, the
mermaid was a very beautiful women; from the waist down, she was a fish.  The
fisherman was preparing to take the mermaid to market to sell as a curiosity,
when the mermaid spoke, and told him that she was a magic mermaid.
   The mermaid told the fisherman that if he would let her go, she would grant
him three wishes.  The fisherman agreed to this, and asked for gold, jewels, and
other riches. Immediately, these appeared.  Next, he asked to be made a king and
to have a kingdom to rule, with a fabulous castle.  These appeared also.
   The mermaid asked what his third wish was.  Since he had been noticing how
beautiful the woman half of her was, he told her that he wanted to make love
with her.  To this, the mermaid replied that since she was only half woman, this
was not possible.
   The fisherman then said, "Well in that case, how about giving me a little
head?"

-= sex humor =-=  352 =---------------------------------------------------------

A bill introduced in the Georgia legislature in January 1994 by Rep. Doug Teper
of Alabama would require warnings in all hotel roooms that fornication,
adultery, and sodomy are illegal in the state.  The bill also requires that the
warnings be in Braille and "internationally recognized symbols," which were not
specified.

-= sex humor =-=  353 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty.
When he confronted his wife about it, she simply told him, "It's my turn."
   "What do you mean, your turn?!" yelled the husband.
   "In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years.
Now, it's my turn."

-= sex humor =-=  354 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This very young and innocent country girl fell madly in love with this Greek
guy and was determined to marry him.  Her mother tried hard to stop her, but
when she knew she couldn't stop her daughter, she said to her, "Listen child,
marry him and may you live happily ever after.  But the day or night he asks you
in bed to turn over, you come back to me, for he has lost respect for you."
   The daughter agrees to this and the wedding takes place.
   Couple of years go by and they are one happy couple.  Then one night, when
they are about to make love, the guy tells her, "Turn over honey, let's do it
the other way."
   The girl is very unhappy.  She is crying and begins to pack her bags.
   The husband doesn't understand and asks, "What's wrong, hon?"
   "My mom told me all about you guys.  You have lost respect for me, so you
want me to turn over.  I can't live with you when you have no respect for me."
   "But honey," replied the Greek, "I thought you wanted to have a baby."

-= sex humor =-=  355 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man was sunbathing nude on a beach and reading a newspaper.  He saw a
little girl walking towards him and immediately covered himself with the paper.
The girl came up and said, "Hey mister, whatcha got under the paper?"
   To which he replied, "Nothing kid, it's just my pet bird.  Now go away."
   Being curious, the girl then asked, "Can I please see your bird,mister?"
   "NO," snapped the man.
   Once again, she asked, "Please can't I just pet your bird?
   The man replied angrily, "NO, GO THE HELL AWAY!!!"
   The little girl walked away and the man fell asleep.  Well, the next thing
the man knows, he's waking up in a hospital bed and there's a doctor standing
over him, laughing.
   The man demands to know where he is and why and the doctor calls the little
girl who witnessed the whole incident to come in and explain what had happened.
   Tearfully, the girl walks in and sits next to the man.
   The man says, "Hey, you're the little brat from the beach.  What's going on
here?"
   To which the little girl replied, "I'm sorry mister.  I know you told me not
to look at or touch your bird, but after you fell asleep I did anyway."
   "So, that doesn't explain why I'm here," replied the man who was getting
angrier by the minute.
   "Well," the girl continued, "while I was petting it, it spit at me, so I
broke its neck, crushed its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

-= sex humor =-=  356 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary.  She was young, sweet, and polite. One
day while taking dictation, she noticed that his fly was open.  When leaving the
office, she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know that your barrack's door is
open?"  He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and
saw that his zipper was open.
   Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks
door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
   The secretary, being quite witty, replied, "Why no, Mr. Smith, all I saw was
a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffle bags!"

-= sex humor =-=  357 =---------------------------------------------------------

In December 1993, India's "Pioneer" newspaper reported that U.S. corporations'
donations of relief goods for the victims of the September earthquake in rural
Maharashtra state included the seldom-used dental floss, contact lens cleaner,
and lubricants for sexual intercourse.  The newspaper reported that an
illiterate barber mistook the lubricant for shaving cream and used it on
customers.

-= sex humor =-=  358 =---------------------------------------------------------

Two business partners, both married men, were taking turns making love to their
secretary.  As a result, she became pregnant with twins.  On the big day, one
partner congratulated the other, "She had twins," he said.  "Unfortunately, mine
died.

-= sex humor =-=  359 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy is going to Las Vegas with his college buddies during his summer break.
His dad gives him a $100 bill and says, "Here son, do what you can for me with
this in Vegas."
   When the son comes back home a week later, the father asks, "How'd I do?"
   "You did great, dad," the son replies, "You got laid."

-= sex humor =-=  360 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two college coeds are talking over lunch.
   Coed #1: I heard that you and John went on a date last night.  How was it?
   Coed #2: Arrrggh!  I went over to his apartment last night and he just
assumed that I was spending the night.
   Coed #1: Well, what happened?
   Coed #2: I go so angry, I put my dress on and left.

-= sex humor =-=  361 =---------------------------------------------------------

News item in the St. Joseph (Missouri) News-Press on Thursday, April 28, 1994:

For this actress, all the track's a stage - Jogger: "Naked thespian attacked me
at college"

By Tim McLaughlin

   A jogger says she was attacked at the Northwest Missouri State University
track by a naked Shakespearean actress scheduled to play Lady Macbeth in a local
production.
   The 52-year-old jogger, who didn't want to be identified, said it took three
men, including her husband, to pull the naked actress off her Tuesday evening at
the university's track inside Rickenbrode Stadium.  The accused attacker was
identified by university officials as Barbara Kinghorn, a former member of the
Royal Shakespeare Company.  University public relations officer Robert M. Henry
confirmed the attack took place.  Campus police said, "the university's guest
actress was taken to St. Francis Hospital."  A news release is expected today.
   Kinghorn was set to play Lady Macbeth on Wednesday evening at the
University's performing arts center.  Other performances are set for today,
Friday and Saturday, Kinghorn also was set to present William Shakespeare's
"Riots and Roses" on Sunday.
   The woman jogger said she noticed the naked woman while jogging with her
husband.  She said about 20 people were in the area about 7 P.M. Tuesday.  "She
was lying on a blanket with a male companion who was dropping leaves or pebbles
on her crotch," the Maryville woman told the News-Press on Wednesday night.  "I
asked my husband, 'Does she have any clothes on?'  But he thought she did."
   A few minutes later, the naked woman started running toward the couple,
waving her arms laughing and yelling incoherently, the jogger said.  The woman
tried to put her arms around the jogger's husband, but he resisted, pushing her
away.
   "All of a sudden, this lady comes over, pressing her body all over my
husband," the jogger recounted.  "And he said, 'Ma'am, we can't have it.'  She
kept saying to my husband, 'Can I give it to you?  Can I give it you?'"
   After being rebuffed by the jogger's husband, the naked woman started
clinging to the jogger, scratching her face and neck, drawing blood.
   Northwest Missouri campus safety submitted an incident report to Nodaway
County Prosecutor David Baird on Wednesday afternoon.  Baird said campus police
cited the naked woman for several municipal violations, but declined to give any
details.
   "I haven't reviewed the reports," Baird said.  "We have to determine whether
state charges or municipal ones will be filed."
   The jogger said Baird told her the municipal violations against Kinghorn
included assault and indecent exposure.
   The attack has left the jogger shaken.  Besides having her sunglasses and
Walkman broken, she fears the possibility of coming in contact with the HIV
virus.
   "She had to be on drugs," the woman said.  "She was really sweaty.  Her body
fluids came in direct contact with my blood."
   A recent Northwest Missouri State University press release hails Kinghorn as
an accomplished actress who has played opposite the actor Topol in London
productions.  Kinghorn runs her own company, Stage by Stage, which organizes
backstage tours of London's theaters according to the press release.  Kinghorn's
resume includes leading role in Arthur Miller's "View from the Bridge" and the
British cult television series "Dr. Who."
   Henry said an understudy was set to play Lady Macbeth during Wednesday
night's performance of "Macbeth."  "The play goes on," Henry said.

-= sex humor =-=  362 =---------------------------------------------------------

Sex In Public Places

In October of 1993, in Dayton, Ohio, a ninth-grade boy performed oral sex on a
female classmate in study hall while the teacher was reading and listening to
her radio using earphones.

From the New Orleans "Times-Picayune", April 3, 1994:

   "Every time I say I've seen everything and can't be shocked, I'm proven
wrong." says police spokesman Mike Halphen of Bossier City, La., on the teenage
couple arrested for having sex on a daybed at Dillard's department store.
   Kenneth Bryant, 19, and Sabrina Perkins, 17, were arrested in the middle of
the day on a showroom bed, where they were having sex.
   Said another police officer, "They said they just wanted to do it."

-= sex humor =-=  363 =---------------------------------------------------------

Researchers at John Hopkins have pinpointed the main cause of teenage pregnancy.
It's called a 'date'.

-= sex humor =-=  364 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A little girl came running into the house crying and asked her mother for a
glass of cider.
   "Why do you want cider?" asked the mother.
   "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
   Tired of all the crying, the mother poured her a glass of apple cider.
   The little girl immediately dunked her hand into the drink.
   "Ouch, it still hurts!  It doesn't work!" she yelled.
   "What are you talking about?!" asked the mother.
   "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she
gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

-= sex humor =-=  365 =---------------------------------------------------------

In January, the government of Brazil reported an annual inflation rate for 1993
of 2,500 percent and Yugoslavia reported that the cost of living rose 6 trillion
percent over the course of 1993.  In Belgrade, a factory that manufactures steel
springs paid its workers in live pigs rather than money.  In Rio de Janeiro, a
survey sponsored by the weekly newspaper "Isto E" found that inflation was at
least partly responsible for the diminished frequency of sexual relations in
Brazil, from an average person's three times a week to 1.6.  Said a San Paulo
psychotherapist, "You can't be a victim in the street and a hero in bed."

-= sex humor =-=  366 =---------------------------------------------------------

From the San Jose Mercury News:

A homeless couple, Darryl Washington and Maria Ramos, were injured when a train
plowed into them as they were having sex on a mattress on the tracks of a New
York City subway station.  Fortunately, the couple's injuries were not severe,
thanks to a quick-acting motorman.  Nonetheless, the couple has filed a lawsuit
against the transit authority for "carelessness and negligence."  The couple's
attorney made the statement, "Homeless people are allowed to have sex, too."

-= sex humor =-=  367 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man got on an elevator and there was a lady on it already, so he asks her,
"Excuse me ma'am, can I smell your pussy?"
   She replies, "Hell no!"
   "Well then," he says, "It must be your feet!"

-= sex humor =-=  368 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man was in a crowded elevator when he accidentally jabbed a young lady in
the chest with his elbow.  He liked what he felt, so he said to her, "If the
rest of you is as terrific as your tits, I'd love to screw the daylights out of
you."
   Without missing a beat, she said to him, "If your dick is as hard as your
elbow, come to room 402."

-= sex humor =-=  369 =---------------------------------------------------------

In January of 1994, "The Times" (London) reported that a recent feud in the
southern French town of Pia was coming to a head.  Animal-rights activist Joelle
Cinca happens to live next door to one of France's top pornographic film
producers, Gerard Menoud, who sometimes shoots sex scenes in his yard.  Menoud
claims that the noise made by the geese Cinca keeps in her garden disturbs his
films' soundtracks; Cinca claims that Menoud's actresses' loud orgasms have
traumatized her geese.

-= sex humor =-=  370 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A young lass was having a heart-to-heart with her mother on her first visit
home since starting college.
   "Mom...  I must confess that I lost my virginity last weekend.."
   The mother, a little shocked, told her daughter, "It was bound to happen
sooner or later.  I just pray it was a very romantic and pleasant experience."
   "Yes and no..." the darling coed replied.  "The first eight guys felt great,
but after them, my pussy got real sore."

-= sex humor =-=  371 =---------------------------------------------------------

From a May 8, 1994 newspaper article:

Sex Loses In Poll Of Women And Pasttimes

   New York  -  Sex may be great, but a poll of 500 women shows many of them
would prefer to relax on a tropical beach or have a romantic dinner than to have
sex.
   The poll, a national random telephone survey conducted by Redbook magazine
with EDK Associates, a New York-based research firm, asked the women which of
seven activities would give them the most pleasure.
   The poll found 29 percent of the women rated "relaxing on a beautiful
tropical beach" as giving them the most pleasure, followed by 28 percent who
selected having a "romantic dinner with your husband or boyfriend."
   Only 9 percent selected "having sex with your husband or boyfriend," the same
rating given to "a sensual massage."
   Further evidence that the women who were questioned aren't so hot on sex:
Having sex barely edged out having "a piece of chocolate cake with whipped cream
and hot fudge" (8 percent).  However, it easily beat "riding in a convertible
with the top down (1 percent), the preferred activity on the list of pleasures.
   The poll also asked the women if they made love "mostly with your eyes open
or your eyes closed."  Forty percent said they didn't know, while 21 percent
replied "mostly with eyes open" and 39 percent replied "mostly with eyes
closed."
   "Late at night" was the favorite time for making love (38 percent), followed
by "whenever" (23 percent).  Ten percent preferred "early in the morning."
   Asked if in the future they would make love more often, less often, or about
the same, 45 percent said "about the same" and 25 percent said "more often."
   Asked to rate their husbands or boyfriends as lovers, most of the women gave
good marks, with 36 percent saying they were "terrific!" and 30 percent saying
"pretty good."
   Despite sex's so-so ratings in the poll, the answers to another question
showed the real thing is better than fiction.
   Asked if the sex in romance novels is better than the real thing, 26 percent
of the women said the book version was better but 45 percent said real-life sex
was better.

-= sex humor =-=  372 =---------------------------------------------------------

Beijing's official "Heilongjiang Legal News" publication reported in January of
1994 that the wife of Zhang Jingui, following the advice of a fortune-teller on
how to improve marital relations, cut off his penis with a pair of scissors.
The fortune-teller had concluded that the problem in the relationship was
Zhang's faulty organ and that the wife's only hope was to remove it so that a
new one would grow.

-= sex humor =-=  373 =---------------------------------------------------------

   At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has
ever seen a ghost?"  Most of the hands go up.
   "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?"  About
half the hands stay up.
   "Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?"  Three
hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.
   "Gosh, that's pretty good.  Okay, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate
with a ghost?"  One hand stays up.  The speaker blinks.
   "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a
ghost?"
   The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you said 'goat'."

-= sex humor =-=  374 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together
for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.  The next
morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath
of fresh air.
   "So?  How was it going last night?  C'mon, tell me!  How's your wife??"
   "Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking."
   "Jesus!  My wife just got a bit sore..."

-= sex humor =-=  375 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A farmer was getting very tired of accidentally, but frequently, discovering
his 14-year-old son jerking off behind the barn.  "Son," he said, "that's enough
of this foolishness.  You're neglecting your chores and you'll go blind, too!
We're going into town to find you a wife, and put this nonsense to rest for
good!"
   So they went to town to arrange a hasty marriage with some poor, unsuspecting
farm girl.  The marriage was performed and everything was fine - problem solved
- until...
  The farmer went out behind the barn one day a week later and discovered the
son, at it again, stroking the axe-handle, flogging the log, beating the meat,
and <your euphemism here>.
   "Goddammit son," he roared, "here I go to all the trouble of getting you a
wife to take care of this tomfoolery and you're back at it again!   What's the
matter with your new wife?  Doesn't she take care of your needs properly?"
   "Well Dad," the son said, "she was just fine at first, but her little arms
get so tired..."

-= sex humor =-=  376 =---------------------------------------------------------

Writing in the summer of 1993 in the journal of "Animal Behavior", two
researchers from England's University of Manchester hypothesized that a man's
between-coitus masturbation improves his chances of inseminating his mate, even
though it reduces the number of sperm that reach an egg.  They found that
masturbation after several celibate days releases "tired" sperm, moving more
vigorous sperm up the queue.  In a companion paper in the same issue, the
researchers posited that females use orgasm to attempt to regulate conception:
more sperm is accepted from a mate with whom she has an orgasm.

-= sex humor =-=  377 =---------------------------------------------------------

American Express filed a lawsuit in Baltimore to recover the $6,700 debt that
Michael Gianakos ran up at the Club Pussycat.  Gianakos invoked a principle of
law that a contract for illegal services (in this case, prostitution) is not
enforceable.  (Club Pussycat denied the allegation.)

-= sex humor =-=  378 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This guy hears that you can get $200 for a donation at the local sperm bank.
He goes to the building, gets in the elevator, and goes to the 6th floor where
the sperm bank is located.  After receiving his check for $200, the receptionist
tells him that he can only deposit once a month.
   So, on the first of the next month, he returns to make another $200.  He gets
into the elevator, and as the doors are about to close, a beautiful woman gets
in.  She exits on the 5th floor, and he goes to the 6th and makes his $200.
   On the 1st of the next month, he returns.  The same woman gets into the
elevator with him.  She is GORGEOUS, but alas, this guy doesn't have the courage
with him.  She is GORGEOUS, but alas, this guy doesn't have the courage to talk
to her.  She gets off on the 5th floor again.  He goes to the 6th.
   On the 1st of the next month, he returns for his next deposit, and she is
there again.  This goes on for several months; she always gets off on the 5th
floor, him on the 6th.  He is intrigued by this woman, and very curious.
   Finally, after about 6 months of this, he decides he is going to strike up a
conversation with her.  She gets on the elevator, and the doors close.  "Hi," he
says to her, " I have noticed that on the 1st of every month that we ride the
elevator together, and that you get off on the 5th floor.  If you don't mind my
asking, what do you do here?"
   "Well," she replies, "I do some volunteer work in this building every month.
I have noticed you here too.  What are you here for?"
   "Well, um, there is a sperm bank on the 6th floor, and I make a deposit every
month.  I get $200 each time."
   At this point, the doors open to the 5th floor, and the woman says goodbye
and gets off.  Well, he finally did it.  He talked to her.  She is so sweet and
beautiful that he decides to ask her out the next time they meet.
   Sure enough, the next month he is in the elevator, and she gets on.
"5th floor?" he cooly asks.
   (visual punch line)  With her cheeks puffed out, she hold up 6 fingers.

-= sex humor =-=  379 =---------------------------------------------------------

Here is a joke from Europe which I enjoyed.  I hope you do too.

Three men are sitting at a bar, having an interesting conversation.
Man #1: I'm a homo!
Man #2: Bad luck for you, I'm a hetero.  Maybe our friend here?
Man #3: Oh no, I'm a Brico.
Men 1&2: A what?
Man #3: A Brico.  I do it myself.

(Brico is the name of a large chain of self-service stores in Belgium)

-= sex humor =-=  380 =---------------------------------------------------------

A friend told me that this happened to her co-worker, the mother of a six year
old boy:

   One morning, the little boy walked in on his parents making love.  The
parents didn't notice that the boy was in the room until he brightly asked,
"Whatcha doin?"
   After some scrambling, the father caught his breath and said that they were
just wrestling and would be downstairs in a minute.
   Later, the boy said to his mother, "It's a good thing that I came in when I
did, because Dad almost had you pinned!"

-= sex humor =-=  381 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A man walks in to the doctors office to have his annual exam done.  Before it
begins, he explains to the doctor that he has a $100 bill tattoed on his penis.
   "Why a tattoo of a $100 bill?" asks the doctor.
   The man replied, "Well, I like to play with my money, I like to watch my
money grow, and when my wife wants to blow $100, she doesn't have to leave the
house!"

-= sex humor =-=  382 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor,
"Doctor, my penis has been burning lately."
   And the doctor said reassuringly, "Don't worry son, that just means someone
is talking about it."

-= sex humor =-=  383 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I have a problem.  My
penis is red."
   Doctor replied, "Drop your pants, let me take a look.  Ummm...yes, no
problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40."
   The fellow was impressed.  Told his friend of the experience and that he
hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.
   His friend said, "Really?  I have a similar problem.  What doctor did you go
to?"
   So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, "Doc, George recommended
you...you've got to help me.  My penis is blue."
   Doc asks to take a look.  "Ah yes... Ummm...  Yep, we can take care of it, no
problem, $400."
   "FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?"  Wait a MINUTE!  You took care of George for only
$40."
   "Yes, I did.  But George's penis had lipstick on it; yours has gangrene."

-= sex humor =-=  384 =---------------------------------------------------------

   This guy goes to the doctor and finds out he only has one night to live.  He
tells his wife and they decide to get into some serious sex.  After about an
hour, they both fall asleep, but soon the guy awakes and decides he hasn't got
much time left, so he starts playing with his wife.
   After a while, she starts to respond and soon they are going at it like
animals again.  Again they fall asleep, but once again the guy wakes up and
thinks he could do with a final round.  He grabs his wife but she just ignores
him.
   He tries everything to get her excited, but she just gets pissed off, turns
to him and says, "That's enough.  I know you want to do it again, but you don't
have to get up in the morning."

-= sex humor =-=  385 =---------------------------------------------------------

This joke was told on the David Letterman show by Super Dave Osbourne:

   A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup.  The next day, the doctor calls him
back to the office and says, "I have some really bad news for you.  I have
checked this result with several of my colleagues and we have come to the same
result.  I'm sorry to say that you only have one more day to live."
   The guy is floored.  He ends up in a bar for the remainer of the day trying
to decide what he should do for the remaining day of his life.  He finally
decides he will go home and make wild and passionate love to his wife before he
leaves this earth.
   When the guy gets home that evening, he sneaks into the bedroom.  Takes off
all his clothes and crawls into bed.  For three hours, he has sex like he has
never had sex before.  After he is finished, he is completely exhausted and
crawls to the bathroom, off the bed, completely spent.
   Upon opening the bathroom door, he is surprised to see his wife in the
bathroom with a mudpack over her face.  He asked puzzledly, "How did you get in
here?!"
   His wife then says, "SHHH!!!  You'll wake my mother..."

-= sex humor =-=  386 =---------------------------------------------------------

   On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep
warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was
pulling on my dick."
   The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my
dick."
   The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

Another version...

   Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night.  They finally find
a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one
large bed, and this is the last room in the place.  They decide, 'What the heck,
it's only one night' and share the bed.
   The next morning, they all wake up.  The guy on the left side of the bed
says, "I had the strangest dream.  I thought some guy was jerking me off."
   The guy on the other side of bed is shocked.  "I had the same dream, too!"
   The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn't have that dream.  I
had a dream that I was skiing!"

-= sex humor =-=  387 =---------------------------------------------------------

Just days after a study revealed that sex may be as good as aspirin for a
headache, two London prostitutes were arrested for practicing medicine without a
license.

-= sex humor =-=  388 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy says to his friend, on seeing two dogs mating on the lawn, "Gee, I wish
I could get my wife to do it like that."
   "Well," says the other, "try a couple martinis on her, and see if that
works."
   The next day, the guy tells his friend, "Well, it worked, but it took ten
martinis."
   "TEN?  How come?"
   "Well, after two, she was ready for that position, but it took eight more to
get her out on the lawn."

-= sex humor =-=  389 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A mother had three daughters.  All are getting kind of old and the mother is
worried about them getting married, so she decides to set them up with three
men.
   That night, she went to the first daughter's room to see if anything had
happened.  When she was at the door, she heard laughter from her daughter. Then,
she went to the second daughter's room.  There she heard her daughter crying.
Finally, she went to the third daughter's room and there she heard nothing,
complete silence.
   She was very curious but she waited till the next morning when they were all
having breakfast, and asked the 1st daughter, "So what happened to you, why were
you laughing all night?"
   The first daughter said, "I couldn't resist laughing at him because when he
drop his pants, I saw this tiny little penis!"
   The mother then asked the second daughter why she cried all night?  She said,
"His penis was so big, it hurt!"
   And then she said to the third daughter, "How come there was no noise in your
room?"
   To which the girl replied, "Mommy, you taught us never to talk with your
mouth full!"

-= sex humor =-=  390 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Two lices meet each other.  One of them is in a terrible shape, so the other
one asks, "Why are you in such bad shape?"
   The other lice answers, "Well, I am living in the moustache of a guy who
spent the whole day riding a Harley Davidson 90 miles per hour.  Picture the
wind."
   "Well, you have to do like me.  Get yourself a sweet 15-year-old girl and you
will see.  Every night, a nice bath, a clean pantie, and a warm bed."
   Hearing that, the other lice decides to take the advice and they split.
   After few weeks, they meet again and, again, the second lice is in a very bad
shape.  "Hey.  Didn't you do as I told?"
   "Yeah, I did.  The first few days, everything seems okay.  But then, one
night, there was an earthquake and, the next morning, I wake up again in the
motorcycle rider's moustache!"

-= sex humor =-=  391 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup.  He starts to eat the soup
and chokes on a hair in the soup.  After gagging for a minute, he calls the
waitress.  "I'm not paying for this soup.  There was a hair in it."
   The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The
guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying.
   The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute.  The
waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes.  She hurries over to the hooker
house and finds out where the guy is.  The waitress crashes into the room where
the guy and lady of the evening are engaging.  As she walks in, the waitress
sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.
   The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle
soup because you found hair in it.  Now look where your face is."
   The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and
says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either."

-= sex humor =-=  392 =---------------------------------------------------------

A Disney Sexual Lexicon

Adventure through Inner-Space (vi) - to feel up.  ("Maria and I have Adventured
through Inner-Space, lotsa times, but I can't get her to sleep with me.") Also
known as Adventure through Inner-Blouse.

Autopia (n) - a controlling relationship; you think you're driving, but you're
really on a track.  ("Boy, Angela's really got Ted on the Autopias.")

Belle (n) - A woman who only likes big hairy brutish guys.  ("You'll never get a
date with her, Melvyn.  She's a Belle.")

carousel of progress (n) - marriage.  You go around in circles and talk about
appliances a lot.

Chip and Dale (a) - homosexual.  Have you ever noticed there's Mickey and
Minnie, Donald and Daisy, and Chip and Dale...  ("Kevin's Chip and Dale, but
he's no Tinkerbell.")

cotton candy (n) - someone who's so sweet, but you can't get them.  They don't
sell cotton candy at Disneyland.  ("What are you looking at Stephanie for, dude?
She's cotton candy.")

fantasmic (a) - easily aroused sexually.  ("Why don't you go out with Christi.
I hear she's pretty fantasmic.")

Grand Canyon and Primeval World (n) - a vagina.

go to Tom Sawyer's Island (vi) - to have sexual intercourse.  ("I really respect
John, because he didn't try to go to Tom Sawyer's Island with me on the first
date.")

hand stamp (n) - a kiss you give to your SO before leaving the house.  ("Gimme a
hand stamp honey, cause I'm coming back for more rides later.")

jungle cruise (v) - to perform cunnilingus.  ("I jungle cruised Larisa for a
while, and that warmed her up.")

line foreplay (n) - making out while waiting in line for something.  ("I was at
the bank today and the couple in front of me was getting into a little line
foreplay")

Main Street (a) - a boring date.  No rides.  ("How was your date with Nancy?"
"It was a Main Street date."  "bummer, dude."

Matterhorndog (vt) - when a girl is sitting on your lap or, more appropriately,
between your legs and you get a hard on. ("I Matterhorndogged Jenny last
night.")

mine train (n) - an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend.  The mine train was a dark
and steamy ride of a train going through tunnels that used to be at Disneyland.
("I ran into a mine train at the mall on Saturday")

monorail (vt) - to perform sexual acts on someone in a public place,
particularly fellatio. ("And she monorailed me right there in the Safeway!")

Pinnochio (n) - a bad boyfriend.  ("Why'd you break up with Ted?" "Because he's
a total Pinnochio.  He lies a lot and wants no strings attatched.")

Pinnochio's nose (n) - an erection.  ("She's so hot, she's giving me a
Pinnochio's nose")

Rocket Jets (n) - A relationship that's exciting, but just going around in
circles.

[Roger Rabbit's] Cartoon Spin (vi) - to have sex in many positions.  ("We
cartoon spun all night, and then went out to breakfast.")

Small World (n) - a platonic relationship.  ("Sure Mary and I have going out
together, but we're a Small World.")

Submarine (n) - a penis.

Teacups (n) - morning sickness.  Also known as the tosser-saucers.

Tinkerbell (n) - an effeminate homosexual male.

Log Ride (v) - This belongs in the Knott's Berry Farm sexual lexicon, and you
don't even want to know.

-= sex humor =-=  393 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A woman is sunbathing nude on the roof of a 50-story building when, suddenly,
a gust of wind blows her off.  A guy on the 40th floor who happens to be leaning
out the window catches her.  The guy tells the woman, "Wow, I just saved you! 
How about giving me a blowjob?"
   She says, "No, I couldn't do that!"
   So he throws her back off the building.  A guy on the 30th story catches her,
and he says, "Hey baby, how about a little screw?"
   She says, "No!"
   So he throws her back off the building.  A guy on the 20th story catches her
and, by this time, she is hysterical.  She says, "Please don't throw me out. 
I'll give you a blow job, sex, anything you want!"
   The guy says, "You slut!" and he throws her back off the building.

-= sex humor =-=  394 =---------------------------------------------------------

Why The Internet Is Like A Vagina

   The more people use it, the bigger it gets.
   If you play with it too much, you can go blind.
   You wouldn't *believe* the things people put in there!
   Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't
interface.
   In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information
considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some people still think that's
the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most
of the time.
   It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it will just do
the same damn dumb things it did before.
   It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.  Sometimes it's hard to
tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
   If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
   It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it too much,
you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
   You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something
that takes 9 months to finish.
   The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.
   If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
   It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will
warp your behavior.  Later, you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
   Some folks have it, some don't.
   Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.
   Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not
worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.  Still, many of those
who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
   Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some people would
just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
   Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration, but others believe
it should be open to all comers.
   Both are subject to abuse by hardware dongles.

-= sex humor =-=  395 =---------------------------------------------------------

In July 1994, Lisa Evans, 26, told reporters she had been fired from an adult
entertainment club where she worked at a nude peep show "fantasy booth" in
Edmonton, Alberta, and that she planned to file a complaint with the Human
Rights Commission.  Evans weighs 270 pounds, and management said customers had
complained that she was difficult to fantasize over.

In a separate incident, according to police in Calgary, Alberta, a local
pizzaria contains a dungeonlike "trick pad" where teenage girls are forced to
work as prostitutes and whose catacomb of rooms is littered with sex magazines,
liquor bottles, and used condoms.  However, health officials who inspected it in
December 1993 refused to close it down, with Dr. Paul Hasselback saying, "There
is no reason to be concerned about the food being served."  According to
Hasselback, police business and health business are separate matters.

-= sex humor =-=  396 =---------------------------------------------------------

A joke to told me by my brother's father-in-law (Fil):

Fil: So, do you know how many bees in a hive?
Me:  No.

Fil: Do you know how many birds in a flock?
Me:  No.

Fil: Well, do you know how many lives a cat has?
Me:  Nine lives.

Fil: So you're telling me that you know nothing about the birds and the bees but
     you know a lot about pussy?!?!?

-= sex humor =-=  397 =---------------------------------------------------------

In South Africa, we have an expression 'Ag Shame' which means roughly 'oh shame'
and is used as something to say mostly by politicians when the head is empty but
they need to fill the mouth.  (It's usually pronounched "Ach Shaaaame).  Anyway,
here's how we were blessed with this tit-bit of S. African heritage...

   One hundred odd (even?) years ago, the local Afrikaaners were fighting the
British in the Anglo-Boer war.  One helluva cold evening in the middle of the
country, a company of 21 Brits were marching through the farmlands looking for a
place to stay for the night. They happen upon a farmhouse and knock on the door.
   "Hello." says the farmer.
   "Evening old chap," says the Brit, "frightfully cold out here tonight old
chap, middle of winter and all.  Tell me old chap, do you have some place for us
to spend the night?"
   "Well actually I has got a small house and I has got room for only one of
yous."
   "All right old chap," says the Brit and turns around to choose one of his
troops to spend the night inside.
   "Private Cox."
   "Yes sir."
   "Fall out, Cox," says the Brit.
   "Yes sir." says Cox.
   So off they go, leaving private Cox to spend the night and in search of the
next farm house.  Eventually, they come to another house and the scene is much
the same...
   "Hello."
   "Evening old chap, frightfully cold out here tonight old chap, middle of
winter and all, what.  Tell me old chap, do you have some place for us to spend
the night?"
   "How many of you are there?" says the farmer
   "Well there's 21 of us...er..um...actually 20 without Cox."
   "Ag shame!"

-= sex humor =-=  398 =---------------------------------------------------------

   A young man was raised in the Australian outback by his father, who did not
want him getting into any trouble with women.  "Watch out for women," he warned,
"They have teeth down there." as the father pointed to the crotch area.  And the
boy's imagination did the rest.
   Years later, the father died.  The young man, now in his twenties, saw his
friends getting married and starting families, and he decided that it was time
to try to forget his father's warning.  So he soon began dating a friendly
neighborhood lass, and after a few clumsy kisses, he found himself in bed with
her. Sensing his lack of experience, she let him know what she wanted him to do.
   "No way!" he cried.  "I know about women; you've got teeth down there!"
   His girlfriend laughed at this, and put herself in position so that he could
take a good look for himself.  He was down there for quite a while, then
resurfaced with a puzzled look on his face.
   "You're right," he announced.  "You don't have any teeth down there, but your
gums are in terrible condition!"

-= sex humor =-=  399 =---------------------------------------------------------

   To prevent his son from learning about sex with women too soon, a very
religious father taught his son that women have teeth down there in between the
legs and the child grew up completely convinced of that fact.
   Years later, he gets married.  After few weeks of not getting touched and not
even having done the dirty deed on the night of their honeymoon, his wife starts
to ask him more and more to give her the intimacy that she wants.
   The guy worries and goes to his friend John to get some help.  John, being a
sly one and hoping to cash in on some of the grand prize libido that the wife
has been building up, tells John, "Okay, tonight I will be hiding under the bed
and when your wife gets into bed, you will go to the bathroom and I will take
care of her.  And don't come out of the bathroom until I tell you that it's
safe."
   So that night, when the wife gets into bed, the guy leaves the room and goes
into the bathroom.  A few minutes later, the woman starts screaming out loud.
   The guy stands behind the bathroom door and starts yelling, "Come on John!
Come on John!  Break her fucking teeth off!!"

-= sex humor =-=  400 =---------------------------------------------------------

During a certain art exhibition, there was a drunken woman lying naked and
oblivious of the surroundings.  Some visitor took pity on her and placed his hat
over her vital parts to save her some embarrassment and he walked away.  Minutes
later, a couple walked in.  They saw her and the wife said, "What a pity; look
at that woman!"  But the husband said, "Pity that woman?!  Look at the man!"

-= sex humor =-=  401 =---------------------------------------------------------

Deviant Sex in the Rural Setting
(from a misc.rural posting)

   I wish to try to weave these various sex threads into the rural fabric.  Yes,
sexual deviancy pervades the countryside.
   First, there are all of those lesbian cows.  Every 21 days or so, sexually
mature, non-pregnant bovine females shamelessly lose control of their carnal
passions; they come into estrus, in heat, or on heat as the British would say.
When there is no bull to requite their desires, cows can be observed mounting
each other in the dark recesses of the back pasture or right up by the roadside,
in front of God and everybody.  The cow which stands for another to mount is
deemed to be in heat.  At this point, the farmer has 12-24 hours to enter the
game if he wants his cow to become pregnant.  In times past, he would drive or
lead old "Bossy" to his own or the neighbor's bull.
   Farm boys have many jokes about this.  In one case, the small boy explains to
his teacher that he is late to school because he had to take the cow to the
neighbor's bull.  The teacher asks, "Couldn't your father have done it?  "Yes,
but Dad's not registered."
   When there is no bull, sex around the farm really gets wierd.  The farmer,
(are you ready?) picks up the telephone.  He calls his neighborhood inseminator
to join the fun.  The inseminator arrives with semen that has been collected at
a bull stud in a manner that would have the religious right tearing their hair
if it were ever on the local newsstand.
   In times past, a cow kept "hot" with hormone injections was used as the
object of the bull's affection.  Because the hand is not the only thing quicker
than the eye, the bull sometimes slipped one past his handlers and actually
penetrated the cow.  Because of the hazard of transmitting sexually transmitted
diseases, we called them VD in olden times. "Hot" cows were discarded in favor
of other sex-objects, animate and inanimate.  It is enough to make one blush,
but often one male is used for the "donor" to mount after a little foreplay and
teasing.  As the bull mounts, the handler grasps the bull's sheath in one hand
and guides the bull's erect penis, or male member if you prefer, into an
artificial vagina which consists of a hard composition outer shell some 10cm or
so in diameter with latex liner filled with warm water and suitably lubricated.
   When the bull has had his pleasure, in a manner of speaking, the ejaculate is
drained into a collection tube at the end of a latex cone attached to one end of
the artificial vagina for the purpose.  The volume of the ejaculate is measured,
and thesemen diluted and frozen in vials or straws the latter developed by the
French at a bull stud at L'Aigle, Normandy.
   Now, for you who have had trouble handling the Gay-Lesbian-Bisexual thread, I
thought it worth pointing out that even dittoheads in the Bible Belt depend on
all of these alternative lifestyles and more to keep the mortgage paid.

Wes Combs, Ph.D.
Academic Advisor, and
Consultant in International Livestock Development

-= sex humor =-=  402 =---------------------------------------------------------

   While still inside their pregnant mother, the twins were communicating with
each other.  First twin says, "When I grow up, I'm going to be an electrician."
   Second twin asks, "Why?"
   First twin replies, "So that I could put electricity and lights in here.  How
about you?  What do you want to be when you grow up?"
   Second twin replies, "When I'm going to grow up, I'm going to be a
professional boxer."
   Puzzled, the first twin asks, "Why?"
   To which the second twin says, "So I can punch that bald-headed guy who keeps
coming in and out of here, disturbing our sleep."

-= sex humor =-=  403 =---------------------------------------------------------

   The First Amendment tends to be under steady fire in the great state, but the
Austin Planning Commission is rarely found on the side of jackbooted fascism.
What happened was, the Reverend Mark Weaver, a fundamentalist divine with a
strong local following, hell-bent on driving all the dirty bookstores out of
town had come up with a zoning scheme by which this was to be accomplished.  The
Planning Commission held a hearing attended by over three hundred member of
Weaver's group, Citizens Against Pornography, and by six members of the Civil
Liberties Union.  The Libertarians flocked together.  There is nothing like
sitting in the midst of a sea of Citizens Against Pornography to make you notice
that your friends all look like perverts.
   The Reverend Weaver rose to address the commission.  An eloquent preacher, he
took right off into the tale of a woman who lives directly behind the
pornography theater on South Congress Avenue.  The very day before, she had
watched a man come out of that theater after the five-o'clock show, go into the
alley behind the theater, right behind her house, and...masturbate.  Three
hundred Citizens Against Pornography and the members of the Planning Commission
all sucked in their breath in horror.  Made a very odd sound.
   "Yes," continued the Reverend Weaver, "that man masturbated right in the
alley, right behind that lady's house.  And she has two little girls who might
have seen it, if it weren't for the wooden fence around her yard."
   When it came their turn, the Libertarians huddled together and decided to
send up their oldest living member.  He shuffled to the mike, gray hair thin on
top, a face marked with age spots and old skin cancers, one eye useless long
since.  He spoke with a courtly Southern Accent.
   "Members of the Planning Commission, Reverend Weaver, Citizens Against,
ladies and gentlemen.  My Name is John Henry Faulk. I am seventy-four years old.
I was born and raised in South Austin, not a quarter of a mile from where that
pornography theater stands today.  I think y'all know that there was a lot of
masturbation in South Austin before there was ever a pornography theater there."
   Even the Citizens Against Pornography laughed, and the First was saved for
another day.

 - written by Molly Ivins

-= sex humor =-=  404 =---------------------------------------------------------

On June 29 1994, the Sheffield Star newspaper (U.K.) carried a report of a full-
scale bomb alert in the city.  A housewife had called the police after a parcel
delivered to her home had started to buzz.  The army bomb disposal team were
called from a nearby base, and an expert, protected by blast-proof clothing,
prepared to disarm the device.  When the package was opened, a mail-order
vibrator, whose batteries had activated of their own accord, was revealed in all
its glory.  According to the Star, "the embarrassed woman has not been named by
the police."

-= sex humor =-=  405 =---------------------------------------------------------

   There was this guy who was still a virgin.  One night, he happened to get a
date with this Swedish girl.  He took her to the movies and as the movie
progressed, he started to feel a little brave so he reached over and put his
hand on her knee.
   He looked at her and said, "In America, this is called putting hand on knee."
   She looked at him and replied, "Ya, Ya, Ya, in Sweden, this called putting
hand on knee too."
   Well, as the plot thickened in the movie, he felt a little braver, so he put
his arm around her.
   He looked at her and said, "In America, this is called putting arm around
your shoulders."
   She looked at him and replied, "Ya, Ya, Ya, in Sweden, this called putting
arm around shoulders, too."
   The movie ended and he walked her to the door of her apartment.  Then, he
kissed her.  After the kiss, he looked at her and said, "In America, that is
called kissing."
   She looked at him and replied, "Ya, Ya, Ya, in Sweden that called kissing
too."
   Well, as luck would have it, she invited him in.  They started really making
out on the couch; his hands were all over her.  He looked at her and said, "In
America, this is called making out."
   She looked at him and replied, "Ya, Ya, Ya, in Sweden this called making out
too."
   This seemed to be his lucky night. They moved into the bedroom and started to
"do it."  Just as she was about to have her orgasm, he stops.
   He looks at her and says, "In America, this is called making stew."
   WELL, she doesn't say anything for almost 60 whole seconds.  Then, she looks
at him and replies, "Ya, Ya, Ya, in Sweden this is called making stew too, only
in Sweden, we use a little more meat!"

-= sex humor =-=  406 =---------------------------------------------------------

   Associated Press -  The Sisters of Charity of the Incarnate Word, an order of
Roman Catholic nuns, has closed their art exhibit "Spiritual, Sensual, Sexual"
while deciding where to reopen it after harsh criticism.  The exhibit, which had
been in a gallery in their convert, features true-color sculptures of genitalia
and oil paintings, including "Initiation," a painting of an angel having
intercourse on an altar. Sister Alice Holden, the gallery's director, said she
decided to open the exhibit after guidance from prayer, because "sexuality is a
tremendous gift from God." Others have called the exhibit "pornographic" and
"sacrilegious".  Donell Hill, the featured artist, notes the sisters are "so in
tune with their higher selves.  They know that it's right, even if it's a little
scary."

-= sex humor =-=  407 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.  One day, he comes home and,
sure enough, there is his wife on the bed, naked and splayed, with a guy on top
of her going to town.
   The husband exclaims, "What the hell are you doing to my wife?!"
   The guy thinks fast and replies, "I'm just listening to the beautiful music
coming from your wife!"
   "Music?", the husband cries out, "I don't hear any music!"
   The guy replies, "That's because you ain't plugged in!"

-= sex humor =-=  408 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

I recently attended a meeting of the International Singles Club here in Silicon
Valley.  I met a Chinese woman who was a dentist.  She had perfect teeth, which
started me thinking: All dentists from all cultures apparently have perfect
teeth.

So, I am looking for a gynecologist for my next girlfriend.

-= sex humor =-=  409 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

The following is an actual excerpt from The Neighbor, Cupertino's (California)
local newspaper:

Medical Emergency -  10:39 p.m. Aug 27 on Rose Blossom Drive.  A male choked and
passed out while playing a bondage game with his girlfriend.  He was reportedly
found hanging from the ceiling and handcuffed.  Paramedics revived him.

-= sex humor =-=  410 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   Guy, to his friend, on seeing two dogs mating on the lawn, "Gee, I wish I
could get my wife to do it like that."
   "Well," says the other, "try a couple martinis on her and see if that works."
   The next day, he says, "Well, it worked, but it took ten martinis."
   "Ten??" the other guy exclaims.  "How come?"
   "Well, after two, she was ready for that posiition, but it took eight more to
get her out on the lawn."

-= sex humor =-=  411 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   Guy, to his friend, on seeing two dogs mating on the lawn, "Gee, I wish I was
doing that."
   Friend says, "Why don't you; it's your dog."

alternative punchline:
   Friend says, "That dog would bite you so bad..."


-= sex humor =-=  412 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   A guy and his young nephew were riding the bus one day and the nephew spotted
two dogs going at it on the sidewalk. The nephew asked the guy, "What's going on
over there?"
   The guy didn't want to explain anything sexual to his nephew so he said,
"Well, that dog on top hurt his leg, see?  And his friend is helping him home." 
   The nephew thought for a moment and said, "Well, ain't that a bitch!  You try
to help a friend and he'll fuck ya every time..."

-= sex humor =-=  413 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   This bloke returned home unexpectedly early from the office one day.  Went
upstairs only to find his wive being screwed by her lover.  So he went to a
cupboard and pulled out a shotgun. He pointed gun at lover and told him to stop.
The lover is standing in front of the gun, totally naked.
   "Right," the husband said, "I'm gonna shoot your balls off."
   "Oh please sir, give me a fair chance!" pleaded the lover.
   "Okay then, set 'em swinging." replied the husband.

-= sex humor =-=  414 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   A man and wife have been married five years and are working out in the yard
when the man comments, "Honey, your ass sure has gotten big lately."
   The wife gets upset and moves to another part of the yard.  A short while
later, the man says, "Honey, I'll bet your ass is bigger than that big ol' gas
grill over there."
   The wife gets even angrier and goes on inside the house.  The man then gets a
tape measure and measures the grill and goes into the house and measures her
ass.  He then says, "I was right, your ass is bigger than the grill."
   Later that night when they go to bed, the man turns to his wife and says
"C'mon honey, let's do IT."
   To which the wife replies, "You're crazy if you think I'm firing up this big
ol' grill for that little weenie."

-= sex humor =-=  415 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   A Rabbi decides to retire.  Over the years, he had saved and preserved all
the foreskins from all of the circumcisions he had performed.  He decided that
he should do something with them, so he sought out a local tanner.  He took his
container of foreskins (there were thousands of them) to the man and explained
what they were.  He asked if the tanner thought he could make something useful
out of the little things.  The tanner thought a little and settled on an idea. 
He told the Rabbi to come back in a week.
   A week later, the Rabbi returned.  He asked the tanner to see what he had
made out of all the foreskins.  The tanner smiled, reached under the counter
proudly pulled out a wallet, and set it on the counter.
   "Oy Vay," exlaimed the Rabbi.  "All those thousands of foreskins and all you
can make is a wallet?"
   "Ah, it is a very special wallet," replied the tanner.  "When you rub it, it
turns into a suitcase."

-= sex humor =-=  416 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

To my dear wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I succeeded
36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.  The following is a list
of why I did not succeed more often.

  We will wake the children               17 times
  It's too late                           15 times
  I'm too tired                            5 times
  It's too early                          52 times
  It's too hot                            15 times
  Pretending to be asleep                 49 times
  Window open the neighbours will hear     9 times
  Backache                                 2 times
  Headache                                16 times
  Sunburnt                                10 times
  Your mother will hear us                 6 times
  Not in the mood                         21 times
  Will wake the baby                      17 times
  Watching the late TV show                7 times
  Too sore                                 9 times
  New hairdo                               4 times
  Wrong time of the month                  4 times
  You had to go to the toilet              9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely
satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there
was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over
with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was
afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.

 ...

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused.  Here are the real reasons you did
not get more than you did.

  Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat        7 times
  Didn't come home                                 29 times
  Didn't come                                      14 times
  Came too soon                                    26 times
  Went soft before you got in                      18 times
  Toes in cramp                                     9 times
  Working late                                     49 times
  Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat    21 times
  In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls       4 times
  Caught it in your zip                             6 times
  Got a cold, your nose keeps running              14 times
  Brewer's droop                                   95 times
  Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue            9 times
  Had a splinter in your finger                     4 times
  Lost the notion after thinking about it all day  13 times
  Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book   8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had
missed and was stuffing the sheets.  I wasn't talking about a crack in the
ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?"
The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to
breathe.  However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their
representative has been calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.

-= sex humor =-=  417 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   There was a carpenter who was blind and he needed some wood to build a house,
so he went down to the lumber mill to buy some.  When the blind man walked up to
the counter at the lumber mill, he said to the guy behind the counter, "Hi, I
need to buy some wood.  And in case you were wondering, I am blind.  But don't
try to rip me off with some cheap wood because I can tell, by smell, any kind of
wood there is."
   The guy behind the counter was astonished.  "I can't believe that.  Could I
test this ability of yours?"
   The blind man agreed and the guy behind the counter placed a slab of wood on
the counter.  The carpenter took a long sniff over the length of the board.
   "Oak!" he exclaimed.  The man behind the counter was amazed and promptly put
a different piece of wood on the counter. Again, the blind carpenter sniffed it.
   "Elm!" he cried out.  The guy behind the counter was completely impressed and
put board after board up on the counter, only to have them identified correctly
as cherry, birch, hickory, etc.
   Finally, the guy behind the counter led his secretary out and had her lay
quietly on the counter.  The blind man took a long, careful snort, the full
length of her body.
   "Hmmmm..." he said.  He took another long whiff. "Wow," he said, "This smells
like the shithouse door on a tuna boat."

-= sex humor =-=  418 =---------------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

   A guy walks into a bar.  The bartender, a friendly fellow, greets him with,
"Hi!  How are you today?"
   Says the smiling guy, "Lucky."
   Bartender asks, "Oh?  How's that?"
   Guy says, "I put down a dollar at the lottery booth and won ten bucks."
   The bartender takes his order; the guy has one drink and leaves.
   A couple of days later, he's back.  Bartender says to the guy, "Hi!  How are
you today, lucky?"
   Guy replies, "No.  Not Lucky.  Lucky Lucky."
   Bartender says, "Oh?  How's that?"
   Guy says, "This time, I put down a dollar at the lottery booth and won a
hundred bucks!"
   The bartender takes his order; the guy has one drink and leaves.
   A month goes by.  Finally, the guy comes in again.  This time, he's walking
with some discomfort and sits down very gingerly.
   Bartender says, "Hi!  How are you today, Lucky Lucky?"
   Guy says, "No.  Not Lucky Lucky.  Lucky Lucky Lucky."
   Bartender says, "Oh yeah?  How much did you win this time?"
   Guy says, "I didn't win any more.  But when I mentioned the last one to the
lady who lives next door, she invited me over for coffee.  And one thing led to
another and the next thing I know, we're in the sack."
   Bartender says, "So you did get lucky again."
   Guy says, "Well yes, but that's not the end of the story.  Her husband comes
home, sees us in bed together.  He grabs his shotgun and pumps a lot of buckshot
into my ass."
   Bartender says, "Wait a minute.  I thought you said 'Lucky Lucky Lucky'?"
   Guy replies, "Look at it this way.  If he'd come in 30 seconds earlier, he'd
have shot me in the head."

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