

                             Dave Barry Dines Out
               Philadephia Inquirer Magazine - October 23, 1983
 
     Americans are starting to dine out again, as they react to the economic
  upturn and the toxic mold growths bonded to  the piles  of unwashed dishes
  left over  from the  economic downturn.   The  problem is that many of you
  have gone  so  long  without  dining  out  that  your  only  concept  of a
  restaurant is  McDonalds's.   I'm afraid  you're going  to go  to a really
  snotty restaurant and do something stupid,  such as  ask the  wine steward
  for your  free "Return of the Jedi" glass.  So let's take a moment here to
  review the proper way to behave at a restaurant.
     
     When you arrive, you will be greeted by a person  dressed in  an outfit
  like the  one Fred  Astaire wore  in all  those movies  where he danced on
  tables.  This is your maitre d', and you should tip him $5 the instant you
  walk in the door.  He will then ask you the traditional question, which is
  "Do you have a reservation?"  You may answer "Yes"  or "No".   Either way,
  he will  scrutinize a  piece of  paper in  front of  him as  though it has
  something to do  with  the  restaurant,  although  it  actually  lists the
  rosters of  all the  Chicago White  Sox teams since 1946.  Then, no matter
  how empty or full  the restaurant  is, he  will say,  "Your table  will be
  ready in 10 minutes." 
 
     This traditional  restaurant jest  always draws an appreciative snicker
  from the employees hunkering back  in  the  gloom,  wearing grease-stained
  rental uniforms.  The maitre d' will then ask, "Would you  care to wait in
  the cocktail lounge?"  The correct answer here is "Yes." If you answer "No
  thanks, we'll  just wait  here and  eat these little mints,"  you will get
  your table about the time the United States establishes permanent colonies
  on Neptune.
 
     In the  cocktail lounge, you will be monitored by infrared devices, and
  as soon as you have  ordered,  but  not  received,  your  second  round of
  drinks, a  uniformed person will inform you that your table is ready.  Tip
  him $5.  The maitre d' will then  lead you  to a  table right  next to the
  screen that  the waiters  duck behind  to blow  their noses.  Tip him $10.
  Your waiter will then sidle up to your table and say, "My  name is Bernard
  and it  will be my pleasure to serve you in an obsequious manner tonight."
  Tip him $5.
 
     Now comes the part where things have really changed since the last time
  you ate  out.  In the old days, menus were easy to understand. They looked
  like this:
     
   Meat..............................  $5.95
   Fish..............................  $4.95
   Chicken...........................  $3.95
  Spaghetti..........................  $2.95
 
     In those  days, you'd  mull over  the menu  for a while, and then you'd
  say, "I'll have the meat," or "I'll have the fish,"  and the  waiter would
  say, "Excellent choice."
       
     It is much more complicated now.  Your modern restaurant menu is
  written in  French and  Middle English.   You'll see maybe two dozen items
  like this:
 
  Pleuve en Voiture
  ===========================
  (Scrumpets in Harrow Sauce)
  $26.95
 
     While you are sitting  there staring  at the  menu and  trying to avoid
  letting on  that the  only word  you understand is "menu", the waiter will
  make the following speech:     "Tonight  we are  out of  everything on the
  menu, but we do have some very nice specials.  For our appetizers, we have
  an excellent Tete de  Chou au  Sucre Flambe,  which is  a head  of cabbage
  covered with  sugar and  set on  fire.   We have a very fine Poisson Sacre
  Bleu, which is a Norwegian fluke minced into very small pieces and stirred
  until dawn  with attractive utensils.  We have a very nice Quelle Dommage,
  which is a mussel defiled in a lemon sauce.   We have  a superb  Papier du
  Chien dans la Cage, which is..."
 
     This speech will go on for maybe 10 minutes, after which you should tip
  your waiter $10 and say, "I'll have the meat."
 
     Next the wine steward will hand you the  wine list,  and help  you make
  your selection:
 
   You: "How is this $12-a-bottle wine?"
   Wine Steward:  "We use that primarily as a   disinfectant."
   You:  "Oh.    Well,  then,  we'll  have  something  much  more           
  expensive, please."
   Wine Steward:  "Excellent choice."
 
     When the wine steward returns with  your wine,  he will  pour some into
  your glass.  You should take a little sip, then nod in a meek and grateful
  fashion, unless the wine is unsatisfactory, in which case you should still
  nod in  a meek and grateful fashion, because if you complain, he will stab
  you repeatedly in the eyeball with his corkscrew. Tip him $15.
 
     The first food course to  arrive  will  be  your  salad.    Your modern
  high-class restaurant  salad does  not contain  tomatoes or cucumbers, nor
  does it contain those wide, smooth  healthy-looking leaves  of lettuce you
  purchase at the supermarket in spheres.  Your modern high-class restaurant
  salad consists  of a  few fronds  of a  darkish, kelp-like  plant that has
  clearly   forgotten   everything   it   ever  knew  about  photosynthesis.
  Nevertheless, you should make  every effort  to choke  it down  (using the
  extreme left-hand  fork), because your main course, especially if it has a
  French name, is going to consist of maybe two square  inches of  a thickly
  sliced food  substance, accompanied  by a sprig of parsley placed there by
  the kitchen  staff as  a test  of your  common sense  ("Look!" they shout,
  crowding around the kitchen window.  "He's EATING it!").

     After your main course has been served, your waiter will wait until you
  have placed a wad of food in your mouth, then  he will  sidle up  and say,
  "Is everything to your satisfaction?"  Your should nod and smile in a meek
  and grateful fashion and try to say, "Just fine, thanks,"  without letting
  any partially masticated food dribble onto your clothing.  Then slip him a
  five.
 
     The size of the tip you leave at the end  of your  meal depends  on the
  quality of  the service.   Ordinarily,  you should leave between 15 and 20
  percent of the cost of sending  three children  through the  University of
  Pennsylvania medical  school, but feel free to increase this amount if the
  waiter has performed any special service, such as not spitting in your food.


