Note:  The Truly Tasteless BBS has the pleasure of providing you with the
following humor.  Please direct any updates, comments, improvements, etc. to
TTT BBS at (415)-364-4339, or by mail at

1583 Cordilleras Road,
Redwood City, CA 94062

Thanks!

Richard Lane
Sysop

##########################################################################

Like Gary Gilmore said "Let's do it!"...

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three.  One to hold the giraffe, and two to spill
red paint all over everything.


Infamous Quotes:
    "No matter where you go, there you are..."
                              - Buckaroo Banzai
    "Laugha while you can, Monkey Boy!"
                              - Emilio Lazardo
    "Oops..."
            - Containment Technician at the Union Carbide plant
               in India
    "Just one more pound..."
                              - Karen Carpenter
 
And a little Tastelessness:
     What's white with a black asshole?
     The A-Team


How do you know if someone likes Moosehead?
.
Antler scratches on the insides of their thighs.


Two polacks were hopelessly in love and decided to get married,
so they went to the doctor for their blood test.  The physician
tried his best to explain about sex to them.  But the boy just
listened with a vacant expression on his face.
    With a deep sigh, the doctor lifted up the girl's skirt and
proceeded to demonstrate how.  "Now do you understand how it's
done?" asked the MD.
    "Yeah" said the polack.  "Now how often should I bring her
in?"

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOUSE COULD TALK?
SURE, EXCEPT EVRY TIME A LIGHT BULB BURNED OUT, IT'D BE LIKE A
DEATH
IN THE FAMILY!

The midget in a circus was desperately in love with the fat 
woman. He wooed her, sent flowers, gave her candy, took her to
dinner....and constantly asked her to marry him.
  Finally, after months of courtship, she agrees to marry him.
The midget was estatic! He planned a big wedding with all the
frills, no expense was too much...
  After the wedding, they retired to their hotel room, and the
fat women undressed, laying her bulk down on the bed. The midget
immediately went into a frenzy...running about the room, jumping
up and down and clicking his heels, and all the time shouting:
 
               "ACRES AND ACRES AND IT'S ALL MINE!!!!"
 


If a stork brings white babies, and a crow brings black babies,
then what brings NO babies?
    A swallow!
What do you do if you come accross an elephant?
    Wipe him off!
What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
    Swim!
Why do elephants paint their balls purple?
    To hide in vinyards!
How did Tarzan get killed?
     Picking grapes!

A CERTAIN PRIEST WAS BORED WITH THE SAME EVERYDAY PRAYER ROUTINE
SO HE DECIDED TO BUY A RACEHORSE.
HOWEVER, HE ONLY HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY A DONKEY.
SO HE ENTERED THE DONKEY IN A RACE.
TO EVERYONE'S SURPRISE, IT CAME IN THIRD.
THE NEXT DAY, THE NEWSPAPER RECORDED,"PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS."
HE ENTERED IT IN ANOTHER RACE, AND IT WON THIS TIME.
THE HEADLINE READ, "PRST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT."
THE BISHOP WAS NOT HAPPY WITH THIS KIND OF PUBLICITY, SO HE ORDERED
THE PRIEST NOT TO ENTER IT INTO ANOTHER RACE.
THE NEWSPAPERS SAID,"BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS."
THE BISHOP ORDERED HIM TO SELL THE DONKEY, SO HE SOLD IT TO A NUN.
THE HEADLINE READ,"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN."
THE BISHOP FAINTED, THEN TOLD THE NUN SHE WOULD HAVE TO DISPOSE OF THE
ANIMAL, SO SHE SOLD IT TO A FARMER FOR TEN DOLLARS.
THE NEXT DAY THE NEWSPAPER DULY RECORDED,"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN 
THEY BURIED THE BISHOP THE NEXT DAY.

Ya gotta be careful if yer a single guy. Like when you're 
at home alone and you're bareass naked, and you're ironing your
shirt, right...and you're through ironing and you start
winding the cord around the iron, and you keep smacking
yourself in the balls with the cord.
    
I hate when that happens.

What do Sergio Valente Jeans and the Hotel Union Square have
  in common?   NO BALLROOM.  (Thankyew)
   
What do Sergio Valente Jeans and Brooklyn have in common?
  FLAT-BUSH.  (Thankyew again)
   
What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?
  The balls are strictly ornamental.  (HEY THANKYEW & G'NITE)


THE POSTMAN RANG THE DOORBELL AT A HOUSE ON HIS ROUTE AND WAS
GREETED BY AN ATTRCTIVE LADY IN A SEE THROUGH NIGHTIE.  SHE 
INVITED HIM IN FOR A CUP OF COFFEE.  ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER
AND THEY WOUND UP IN BED.  AFT THAT, WHILE THE POSTMAN WAS 
GETTING BACK INTO HIS UNIFORM THE WOMAN HANDS HIM TWO DOLLARS.
THE STMAN SAYS "YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT, IHAD A GREAT TIME".
THE WOMAN SAYS "YES I DO, THIS MORNING I ASKED MY HUSBAND WHAT
TO DO FOR THE MAILMAN FOR CHRISTMAS AND HE SAI`FUCK HIM
GIVE HIM TWO DOLLARS'."


A Russian soldier in Afghanistan goes on a one-week home leave
and returns to Moscow.  While there, he decides to get a 
haircut, as such luxuries are unavailable in Kabul.  He sits 
down in the barber's chair, and the barber make conversation 
while cutting away.  "So how are things in Afghanistan?" asks
the barber.  "We're doing very well," replies the soldier.  A
minutes goes by and the barber asks, "So, how is everything in
Afghanistan?" "Just fine.  Everything is fine."  Another minute
goes by and the barber asks, "Tell me, how goes it in 
Afghanistan?" and the soldier says "Fine!!  Why do you keep 
asking me the same damned question?"  "Because every time I do,
it makes my job easier.  Your hair stands up on end."


 Two nuns were riding their bicycles down a coblestone 
road when one said to the other, "I've never cum this way 
before".

What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.
 
What does the Space Shuttle have in common with the
New England Patriots?
They both looked great for the first 75 seconds.


If you're not a communist at 19 you have no heart.
If you're still a communist at 29 you have no brains.
  --Post WWII Italian proverb
 
California is going to save money on printing costs.  All
lottery tickets will henceforth be printed on the backs of
green cards.
 
There are no two flakes of dandruff alike.  --George Carlin
 
"What is ethics?" asked the boy of his father.  "Well, let me explain
it this way," said the father.  "I was given a $20 bill by a lady who
thought it was a $10.  I also thought it was a $10, and gave her change
accordingly.  Now ethics is, do I tell my partner?"
 

Did you hear about the prostitute who got fired from her job as
a typist?
It turned out that she was just a huntin' pecker.


WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A COMPUTER SALESMAN AND A USED
CAR SALESMAN.  THE USED CAR SALEMAN KNOWS WHEN HE'S LYING.


So there's this guy in a bar.  He looks over his shoulder and
sees a beautiful woman just sitting there in the stool.  The guy
builds up his courage and goes over with the girl.  He taps on
her shoulder and asks:
     -Excuse me, but could I buy you a drink?
The girl turns around and slaps him and shouts:
     -A motel!  You want to take me to a motel to screw!  Get
     the hell out of here!
The guy's really embarrased when all the people in the bar turn
around and look at him, so he goes to a lonely table in the dark
side of the bar.
A while goes by and the girl goes over to the guy's table.  She
puts her drink down on the table and says:
     -I'm sorry if I embarrased you a while back.  You see, I'm
a psychology student and I'm studying to see how people react
to unexpected situations.
The guy gets up real fast and splashes his drink all over the
girl.  He shouts:
     -A hundred bucks!  You wanna charge me a hundred bucks!!??  


  	What's the diffrence between a dead skunk in the road and
a dead lawyer in the road?
	SKID Marks in front of the skunk!
.
     What's a Lawyer's favorite charity?
      Save the Sharks!
,
     And why do they say a dog has beem "fixed" when in reality,
it's been broken?


Three surgeons at a large suburban hospital were off duty in the
cafeteria one day discussing their preferences when it came to
patients. "I prefer computer programmers", said the first, 
"because their organs are laid out in a logical order, like a
flowchart. Makes finding your way around a snap."
  "True", said the second, "but for my money you can't beat 
computer technicians for simplicity. All the organs color coded
and such, you just can't go wrong!"
  When questioned on his choice, the third said, "Mine? I gotta
go with computer salesmen. Only two organs to worry about, a 
mouth and an asshole, and they're both interchangable!"


Where do cantalopes go during the summer????
.
.
.
                              John Couger Meloncamp.


Didja hear that Smurfette gave Papa Smurf a bluejob?
   
Afterwards, they Smucked each other to death.
  
Thankyew.

What was the last thing Christa McAuliffe said on the shuttle?
I wonder what this button here does...
 
What was the last thing to go through Christa McAuliffe's mind?
Seventy tons of space shuttle.
 
Christa McAuliffe used to be an English teacher, but now she's history.
 


A tv set show a beautifull picture of a clear cool morning in
florida and pans down to a picture of the space shuttle. It 
launches and proceeds upward to erupt in a ball of flames as we
hear those imortal words ," No Bud Light!"


Where'd Christa McAuliffe go for her winter vacation?
   All over the Florida Coast. (Pa-rum-pum)
   
Yes...we're all goin' to hell in a handbasket, but we'll have some laffs
on the way, kids...


WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK MAN IN A TREE FULL OF MONKEYS ?
      
      A BRANCH MANAGER.


What is Sexual Compatability?    
   
That's when you and your mate get Headaches at the same time. 
 

What do you call 11 Blacks and 1 White.
A football team.
 
What do you call 200 Blacks and 1 White?
A Prison.
 
What do doctors do with the removed foreskins from 
circumsisions.
The sell it th gays for chewing gum.
 
Teacher:  Johnny, spell urinate.
Johnny:   U-R-I-N-A-T-E, urinate.
Teacher:  OK, use it in a sentence.
Johnny:   On a scale of one to ten I'd say urinate.
 
Teacher:  Leroy, what comes after a sentence?
Leroy:    An appeal.
 
What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker?
Hop in.


if some of you were as tall as you are stupid, you'd have to 
sleep in a bowling alley.
by the way, did you know that rock and sly were going to make
a movie---ramme
when disney heard it they asked rock to star in a new movie also
ram bambi
har har hearty har har


Murphy's Law states that If something can go wrong it will, 
Tharp's corrollary is; and there will be 14 witnesses when it
happens.


Well ladies and gnats, they're out as in space shuttle jokes,
so here they go.
What's NASA stand for? Need Another Shuttle Astronaut?
Where did the Columbia crew vacation this year? All over South
Florida. Kristie McAluff (sp?) used to teach social studies. 
You know what she teaches now? Now she's history. AND...last but
not least...The last transmission from the shuttle, Kristie...
"What's this button for?"
As a pilot I know that if I had been in their position I would
appreciate and chuckle just a little if nothing other than to
not forget. They shall not be forgotten.


Reagan, Gorbachov, and Marcos were in a plane when the engine failed.
The pilot ducked out, taking one parachute and there was only one left.
"I am the leader of the free world and I should get that other 
parachute!" said Reagan.  "There are more peoples who respect the 
principals of Marx and Lennon than money-grubbing Adam Smith, comrade!
I should be given the parachute!" said Gorbachov.  "Look, gentlemen,"
said Marcos, "Why don't we hold an election?"
 
Marcos won, 12-4.


 What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental?
 
 A car thief that can't drive.
 
 Now wait a minute! I'm not prejudice! I Hate Everybody!!!!
 


Why is the speed limit for sex 68?
Because for 69 you have to turn around.
 
Try 138: Dinner for four.
 
But my favourite is 68: You do me and I'll owe you one.


Old local joke. (Every state has it's variation, I'm sure)
 
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Kentucky?
A: Because they couldn't findi#~three wise men and a virgin.


How do you surprise Helen Keller?
-Leave the plunger in the toilet...sorry,I know it's old..
 

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE PUSSYS?
WHO'D TALK TO THEM IF THEY DIDN'T.


Oh yeah? Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail slime when they walk away!
(If'n you can have that cucumber thing in the files section, this
 joke can stay too! Nyah!)


JUST REMEMBER THAT IF WOMEN DIDN'T HAVE PUSSYS THERE'D BE A 
BOUNTY ON 'EM
AS A MATTER OF FACT THE BIG PROBLEM WITH PUSSY IS THAT WOMEN
ARE IN CHARGE OF IT


WHAT'S RED, GREEN, BLUE, YELLOW, PURPLE, AND ORANGE?
AN ITALIAN DRESSED UP


WHAT DO YOU CALL TWO VIETMANESE IN AN ORANGE CHARGER?
GOOKS OF HAZARD!


The answer is... Cock Robin
 
The question is... "What's that you're holding in your hand, Batman?"


A narcissistic man admired himself in the mirror, but noticed there was
one area not covered with a golden tan.  Determined that his entire body
would be perfect, he went to a quiet beach and buried himself in the 
sand except for his tool.  Along comes a grandmotherly type, who sees
what shows in the sand.  "When I was 20, I didn't know what to do with
it," she muttered.  "When I was 40, I couldn't get enough of it.  When
I was 60, I couldn't care less about it.  Now that I'm 80, it's growing
wild!"
 
Why do men have erections?
So we can laugh at them at the beach.
 
Why do men have more trouble with sex as they get older?
The blood rushes out of their brains, and they forget what to do next
 
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Four: One to change it, and one to brag about it to the other two.
    Why do men have legs?
    So they don't poke holes in the ground.


A POLISH WRESTLER WAS HAVING A TOUGH TIME WITH HIS OPPONENT....
THE COACH SAW HIS POLLACK WRESTLER TIED IN KNOTS.... SUDDENLY
THE OPPONENT WAS THROWN WAY UP IN THE AIR...FELL TO THE MAT 
UNCONSCIOUS.....COACH SAID, HOW DID YOU DO IT??/.   POLLACK SAID
HE WAS ON HIS BACK TIED IN KNOTS... DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO..
SUDDENLY HR SEES A PAIR OF BALLS HANGING IN HIS FACE SO HE BITES
THE BALLS...BUT THEY WERE HIS OWN....


A rich, elderly woman was driving her Rolls through New
York when she saw a parking place right in front of the building
she wanted to go.  She was about to park when a young man in a
VW bug zipped in and snagged on the parking place. He then 
out  and said to the old woman,"The young and the quick!!!"
A few minutes later the man turned around only to see the woman
ramming his car with her Rolls and saying,"The old and the 
rich!!"


What do you get if you cross a chikcken with a psychiatrist?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Kentucky Freud Chicken


I KNOW I ASKED THAT EVERYONE RESPECT THE SHUTTLE CREW BUT I HAVE SINCE
UNDERSTOOD AN OLD SAYING...THAT COMEDY EQUALS TRADGEDY PLUS TIME.
SOOOOO....DID YOU KNOW THAT CRISTA MC ALIFFE HAD BLUE EYES?
YEAH, ONE BLEW THIS WAY...ONE BLEW THAT WAY...
........................................................................
WHAT DID THE ITALIAN PLUMBER SAY WHEN THE CUSTOMER SAID "I HAVE A LEAK
IN MY SINK" ?  "GO AHEAD ITSA YOUR SINK."

Why do female parachutists wear underwear?
 
To keep from whistling, of course!


AN IVENTOR WALKS INTO A BANK AND ASKS THE LOAN OFFICER FOR A
LOAN OF $10,000.
   L.O. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE MONEY?"
   I - "YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW"
   L.O. - "I CAN'T LOAN YOU THE MONEY UNLESS YOU TELL ME."
   I - "OK, I'VE INVENTED THIS SPECIAL POWDER.  BEFORE YOU EAT
      PUSSY YOU JUST TAKE A PINCH AND SPRINKLE IT ON.  MAKES IT
      TASTE JUST LIKE AN ORANGE."
   L.O. - "GET OUT AND DON'T EVER COME BACK."
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER THE INVENTOR RETURNS TO THE SAME LOAN
OFFICERS DESK AND OPENS UP A LARGE BRIEFCASE FILLED WITH $100
BILLS, DEMANDING TO DEPOSIT THE MONEY.
   L.O. - "DON'T TELL ME THAT STUPID INVENTION WORKED."
   I. - "WELL ACTUALLY, AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE,
       I DECIDED TO CHANGE IT AROUND.  NOW YOU SPRINKLE THE
       POWDER ON THE ORANGE AND IT TASTES LIKE PUSSY."


What's black and glows in the dark?   Oakland.
What do you get when you cross a donkey & an onion?
  A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Did you hear about the alligators in florida?
  They wear shirts with little Jews on them.
How about the flamingos in Florida.
  They have houses with little concrete Itallians in the yards.
What do you get when you cross a black with Bo Derek?
  10 of spades!
What do you call a black scuba diver?
  Jacque Custodian.
What do you do with dead blacks?
  Boil 'em and make the skins into wet suits.
What's yellow and sleeps alone.
  Yoko Ono.
                       (That's all folks. Thank goodness!)


DID ANYONE ELSE THINK IT LAUGHABLE THAT STEVIE WONDER HAD A FRONT ROW
SEAT AT THE GRAMMY AWARD CEREMONY?
.......................................................................
WHAT'S WRINKLED AND HANGS OUT YOUR UNDERWEAR?
YOUR MOTHER.


Do you know what the weather report oJanuary 28 at Cape 
Canaveral was?
Partly cloudy with chances of scattered Shuttle.


Why does a JAP close her eyes when making love?
to fantasize about her next shopping trip


How does a Polack spell farm?  E-I-E-I-O!
Thankyew...

What do they call a traffic jam in Oakland?
 A blood clot!

You know I just heard that Christa McAulif had dandruff.
She must have, they found her head and shoulders washed up 
on shore.




A man was sitting on top of his house in the flood.  A boat came
by to rescue him but he replied, "God will take care of me," and
waived the boat on.  Then a helicopter flew in, but he shouted,
"God will take care of me," and refused to climb on.  Then he
got washed away.  When he got to heaven he asked God, "Why 
you take care of me?"  And God replied, "What do you mean? I 
sent a boat and a helicopter to rescue you, stupid!"


A man walked into a bar and, upon sitting down, said to the 
bartender, "Gimme six shots of bourbon!" The bartedder obliged,
and after watching the man down the first two, could no longer
restrain his curiousity. "I see a lot of guys come in here to
drink," he said,"and usually the ones that drink like you got
something big on their mind. Wanna talk about it?" The man 
looked up and said "Might as well. I just found out that my 
oldest son's gay." He then killed his last shot and left the 
bar. Two weeks later the same man goes into the bar and says 
"Bartender! Gimme twelve shots of bourbon! The bartender, 
remembering the man, says "What? More trouble?" "You bet", says
the man. "Just found out my youngest son's gay, too." He then
finishes his drinks and leaves. Another two weeks pass when the
man again comes into the bar and cries, "Bartender! Bourbon! 
Twenty four shots!" "Twenty four", exclaims the bartender. 
"Doesn't anyone in your family like pussy?" "Yeah", says the 
man, "my wife."

*****************************************************

And,.....to finish off this fine batch of sick humor, a genuine 
quote from one of our younger readers:

"at risk of appearing ignorant, will someone please explain JAP to me?
This used to mean Japanese or japanese-american.  Do you mean Jewish-
American Princess? or what?"
