Note:  The Truly Tasteless BBS has the pleasure of providing you with the
following humor.  Please direct any updates, comments, improvements, etc. to
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Why do women comb there hair at red lights?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

WHY DID THE WIFE DIVORCE HER GAY HUSBAND? 
BECAUSE HE ALWAYS CAME HOME SHIT FACED!

DID YOU HERE THE ONE ABOUT THE GAY THAT THOUGHT HE WAS PREGNANT?
HE GOT IN A FIGHT WITH HIS BEST FREIND WHO SAID THAT HE COULDN'T
POSSIBLY BE PREGNANT. BUT HIS FREIND FINALLY GAVE UP AND THEN
ASKED WHOS THE FATHER TO WHICH THE PREGNANT GAY REPLIED "WHAT,
DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE EYES IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD.

Why do Swedes use electric lawnmowers?
- So they can find their way back home (think about it)
 
DID YOU KNOW:
- Being Swedish is the equivalent of 4 years of boot camp...

WHAT DOES AN MCDONALDS IN ETHIOPIA SERVE?
 
  MC NOTHING!!!!
....................................
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WITH A DOG?
 
A VEGETARIAN!!!!!
....................................

A Mutual Radio newsman, with just seconds to go, reported on an airlines
hiring of its first female pilot, a former Kentucky Derby queen: "United
Airlines has hired its first female p;ilolt a former Kentucky Derby 
winner."
Newscaster:"And word has just reached us of hte passing of Mrs. C, a 
noted chef who specialized in Italian cooking.  There are no survivors."
Weatherman at KING-TV, Tacoma, Washington:  "Occasional periods of 
drivel."
Newscaster: "Politicians and people alike are upset by what happened at
city hall today.."
Radio announcement:"They will celebrate their fortieth year of holy 
deadlock.."


WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KINKY AND PERVERTED?
IT'S KINKY WHEN YOU USE A FEATHER AND PERVERTED WHEN YOU USE
THE WHOLE CHICKEN!

MACHO MAN = A GUY WHO SHAVES HIS BALLS WITH A WEEDEATER
MACHO WOMAN = A GAL WITH A KICK STARTER ON HER VIBRATER
  
Uh..what do you call an Ethiopian with buck teeth...
 -A rake.(Hey look..I know it's an old on but I cant' think of
          many at the time.)

Did you hear Mexico City got a new mayor?
   Barney Rubble.
   He won in a landslide.
 
Did you hear they renamed the Holiday Inn in Mexico City?
   Now it's the International House of Pancakes.

Why couldn't Rock Hudson get insurance?
He kept getting rear-ended.
 
What do you call a terminally ill gay in a wheelchair?
A Rolaid.
 
Do you think these jokes are funny? You should be ashamed of 
yourselves!

WHAT DOESN'T BELONG HERE?
LOBSTER OCTOPUS SHRIMP PAKISTANI
RUN OVER BY A TRUCK
ANSWER:THE OCTOPUS,ALL THE OTHERS
ARE CRUSTACEANS (THINK ABOUT IT)

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN WITH 200 GIRLFRIENDS.
A SHEEPHERDER
HOW DO YOU GET AN ELEPHANT OUT OF YOUR PAJAMAS
FIND ANOTHER ELEPHANT
HOW DO YOU GET A THOUSAND BYU COED'S INTO A PHONE BOOTH.
THROW IN A TWINKIE
WHY DID THE INSTALL ASTROTURF IN THE BYU FOOTBALL STADIUM.
TO KEEP THE CHEERLEADERS FROM GRAZING AT HALF TIME
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BYU COED AND A HIPPO
ABOUT 10 POUNDS AND 2000 ZITS.

A physicist, chemist and economist were all stranded in the 
woods with only a can of beans between them.  Debating how to
open said can, the physicist suggested that they put the can 
into the fire and eventually the can would expand enough to rip
open.  The other two vetoed the idea suggesting that what they
would end up with would be an exploding mess.  The chemist noted
that at the river there was some sulpher and suggested that it
might be possible to construct a crude form of gunpowder to blow
open the can.  Again, the other two vetoed with the same 
objection.  The two turned to the economist to hear his 
suggestion.  "Gentlemen," he said, "Assume we have a can 
opener..."

A physicist, a chemist, and an economist were each told to find the 
height of a lighthouse, and were each given barometers.  The chemist 
read the barometer at both the base and the top of the lighthouse, and
from the difference in pressure was able to compute the height of the
lighthouse.  "I can do it in ONE measurement!" said the physicist.  He
climbed to the top of the lighthouse, dropped his barometer, and timed
how long it took to hit the ground.  Knowing the acceleration due to 
gravity it was a simple task to compute the height of the lighthouse.
 The economist was not to be shamed.  "I can do it with NO readings!!"
said the economist.  The other two scoffed, but he held firm.  He walked
to the lighthouse, knocked on the door, and said to the keeper, "If you
tell me how tall this lighthouse is, I'll give you this nice barometer."

A physicist, a chemist, and a mathematician were asleep in a cabin when
it suddenly caught fire.  The physicist woke up, computed the amount of
time it would take until the wooden supports would weaken and collapse,
found that it would be five minutes, set his alarm for five minutes from
then, and went back to sleep.  The chemist woke, computed the amount of
time until the interior temperature would be unsafe, found he had five
more minutes, so he set his alarm clock for five minutes in the future
and went back to sleep.  The mathematician woke up, saw a fire 
extinguisher in the cabin, said to himself, "A solution exists!!" and
went back to sleep.

An accountant, an engineer, and a lawyer were applying for a job.  The
personnel manager asked each of them how much two and two was.  The 
accountant said, "Exactly two plus exactly two equals exactly four." 
The engineer said, "approximately two plus approximately two is 
approximately four."  The lawyer shut the door, pulled down the drapes,
and whispered to the manager, "How much do you want it to be?"

What's the difference between a matrix and a mountain climber?
The mountain climber is a scalar.
 
Who's better in bed, physicists or biologists?
Physicists.  It ain't the meat, it's the motion.

An orchestra was so reknowned for their performance of Beethoven's Ninth
Symphony, that they toured the world playing it.  As those of you who
have heard it know, the last movement has a very long section with lots
of singing and little instrumentation.  Three bass players in the 
orchestra discovered that they could take a 20 minute break during this
gap to drink and gossip.  They discovered that if they tied a string to
the score the conductor used, when the correct page was turned they 
would feel a tug, and know it was time to return to the stage and 
continue their parts.  They used this method several times and it was
foolproof, and since they sat in the back, no one noticed that they left
or returned.  Anyway, the orchestra traveled to London and had to do a
performance the night they arrived.  Everyone had a bad case of jet lag,
compounded by drinking on the plane.  The conductor slowed down the pace
of the performance to such a degree that our bass players each fit an
extra drink or two in their rest break.  Coupled with the jet lag, it
was too much, and two passed out. When the third felt the tug of the 
string, he could not rouse the other two no matter how hard he tried.
So there it was, bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses 
loaded, and two out.

What has Beethoven been doing the past couple of hundred years?
DE-COM-POS-ING!
 

  THIS IS A MIDWEST JOKE NOT SURE YOU WEST COAST GUYS WILL UNDERSTAND
  BUT HERE IT IS
   
               HOW COME CALIFORNIA HAS AIDS AND
               GENERAL MOTORS HAS EDS
                 CALIFORNIA GOT FIRST CHOICE
   
    

DID YOU HEAR ABOOUT THE MAN WHO NAMED HIS DOG "HERPES", BECAUSE HE 
WOULDN'T HEAL.

WHY DOESN'T POLAAND HAVE ANY ICE CUBES?  THE
GUY WHO HAD THE FORMULA LEFT THE COUNTRY.  WHAT DOES A
POLISH FLORIST SELL?  WEEDS

What do you call a girl w/no arms & legs in a closet?
Gay.
 
What do you call a guy w/no arms & legs stuck in a needle?
Fred.
 
What do you call a guy w/no arms & legs who lives in a chicken
  coop?
Henry.
 
What do you call a girl w/no arms & legs who sank into 
  quicksand?
Marsha.
 
What do you call a girl w/no arms & legs who fell in a sugar 
   vat?
Candy.
     What do you call a girl w/no a&l who was used to catch 
     fish?        ANNETTE!

WHAT DO YOU CALL A TRUCK LOAD OF VIBRATORS?
TOYS FOR TWATS.

WHY IS THERE A STRING ON THE END OF A TAMPAX?
SO YOU CAN FLOSS AFTER YOU EAT...........

A COUPLE MEET IN A DARK SINGLES BAR, DRIVE HOME DOWN A DARKEND LANE AND
RUSH INTO BED WITHOUT STOPPING TO HIT THE LIGHTS AND WITH LITTLE 
FOREPLAY BEGIN TO FUCK LIKE BUNNIES!...SEVERAL MINUTES PASS WHEN HE 
SLOWS TO TAKE A BREATHER...SHE ASKS "HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?" HE SAYS "I 
LOVE IT, YOUR A TERRIFIC PIECE OF ASS, BUT YOU GOT NO TITS!  SHE TURN
TO HIM AND SNAPS "GET OFF MY BACK YOU JERK!" (THINK NOW...)

WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF AN 11?
...............A 10 THAT SWALLOWS.

A woman finally gor the nerve to make a pass at the parking lot
attendant that bought her her car each night. When he ask what
kind of car she had, she replied, "An itchy pussy". The 
scratched his head and said, "Can you describe it. All those 
Japanese cars  look alike to me.

Never marry a beautiful girl because she may leave you. A homely girl
may leave you too, but you won't mind nearly so much.

What do you call a guy w/no arms or legs stuck in the desert?
Sandy.
 
What do you call a guy w/no arms or legs being pissed on?
John.
 
What do you call a guy w/no arms or legs who wants sex bad?
Rod.
 
What do you call a guy w/no arms or legs ground up & used for
topsoil?    Pete.
 
What do you call a guy w/no arms or legs who's not being fed?
Les.
 
What do you call a British chap w/no arms or legs being pissed
on?   Lou.
   What do you call a ... oh forget it

Four people previously unacquainted found themselves together in the 
club car of their train.  After some discussion, it developed that one
was a lawyer.  "Ah", exclaimed a second, "You must have gone to 
Harvard!"  The first replied, "That's right!  How did you know?"
"Well, with your breadth and depth of comprehension of the law, combined
with your compassion for the judicial system, you could only come from
Harvard."  Later it developed that a third member of the party was a 
physicist.  "Ah", exclaimed the second as before, "You must be from 
Caltech!"  Needless to say, the physicist answered, "That's right! How
did you know?", whereupon the clever second member replied, "Well, with
your incredible creativity and understanding of the forces of the 
universe, from subatomic particles to cosmology, you could only have 
been trained at Caltech."
Finally, after several more drinks, the lady present let it slip that
she was a French teacher.  "Ah", exclaimed the ever-nosy second member,
"You must be from Princeton!"  and of course the lady replied, "That's
right, how did you know?" and sat back expectantly.
"Well", replied the second member, "I noticed your class ring when you
picked your nose."

Two gentlemen at the opera, unacquainted, went to the men's room during
intermission.  Both used the urinals, and then one headed out the door.
"Excuse me, sir," said the other, coldly, "but at Harvard we learned to
wash our hands after using the urinal."  "Well," replied the first, "at
Princeton we learned not to piss on our hands."
 
A well-dressed man was sitting on a park bench reading a very verbose
looking book.  A small child approached him, looked at the book, and 
inquired, "Whatcha lookin' at?"  The man ignored him, so he continued
questioning, "Well, whatcha lookin' at?"  Finally the child addressed
him: "Are you deaf?  I'm talking to you!"  The man finally looked up and
answered the boy. "Young man, at Harvard we learned never to end a 
sentence with a preposition."  "Oh," said the youngster.  "In that case,
whatcha lookin' at, asshole?"
 

How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Yuppies only buy quality items, like 30 year bulbs.
 
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
 
How many union electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventeen: Four to carry the ladder up to the apartment, one to ring the
doorbell, one to hold the door open, two to carry the ladder into the
apartment, two to set up the ladder, one to bring the bulb up the 
stairs, one to bring the bulb in the apartment, one to set up the 
ladder, one to climb the ladder and remove the old bulb, one to climb
the ladder and put in the new bulb, one to case the joint for ways to
break in later, and one to have drinks with the WASPs.
 
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!

  How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
  4: 1 to change it & 3 to complain about how much better the old 1 was.

TWO BOYS ARE SLEEPING IN SEPARATE BEDS BUT IN THE SAME ROOM. 
IT IS WINTER.  BOY 1 SAYS TO BOY 2- JOHN, CLOSE THE WINDOW, ITS
COLD OUTSIDE. JOHN REPLY'S- IF I CLOSE THE WINDOW WILL THAT MAKE
IT WARMER OUTSIDE.

What does and oriental do when he has an erection.           
VOTE..

Dum Doris is walking down the street late at night. All of
the sudden, a man jumps out of the shadows and starts ripping
off her clothes. Dumb Doris laughed and laughed because she
knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.

What was the score of the Egypt-Ethiopia soccer game?
Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.
 
How many Ethiopians can you fit in a telephone booth?
All of them.
 
How man Ethiopians can you fit in a shower?
Don't know, they keep slipping through the drain.
 
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a JAP?
The prostitute says, "Are you finished yet?", the nymphomaniac says, 
"Are you finished already?" and the JAP says, "Beige...I think I'll 
paint the ceiling beige."
 
What do they call Kentucky Fried Chicken in Mexico City?
Shake & Bake.  And their pizza franchise?  Shakey's, of course.
 

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
None of your goddamned business!
 
How many New Jerseyites does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to change the bulb, one to witness the changing, and the 
third to shoot the witness.
 
How many JAPs does it take to change a light bulb?
What?  And break my nails?
 
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  The proletariat bulb sows the seeds of its own revolution.
 
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One.  But it takes a long time and the bulb has to really WANT to change.
 
How many fundamentalist Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
None: light bulbs are the seeds of Satan (Lucifer) John 4:11-13, and if
you get enough believers together they can withstand fear of the dark.

HERE IN CANADA WE HAVE A SOCIALIST POLITICAL PARTY CALLED THE NDP
IN HONOR OF A RECENT ELECTION VICTORY THE LOCAL COLERNAL(SP) SAUNDERS
INTRODUCED A NEW ITEM, THE NDP BUCKET. IT'S FULL OF LEFT WINGS AND
ASSHOLES

JOKE:  WHAT IS A JAP'S FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION?
-
FACING BLOOMINGDALES!
-
JOKE:  HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN A JAB HAS AN ORGASM?
-
SHE DROPS HER NAIL FILE.
-
A MAN CAME UP TO ME THE OTHER DAY AND SAID, "HEY! YOU
HAVE A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!"  I SAID TO HIM, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU,
I HAVE A BANANA IN MY EAR!"
-
WASP JOKES...Oh, I say, how droll.
 
How can you tell if 2 WASPs were screwing on your front lawn?
You saw them.
 
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to change the bulb, and one to hold the ladder.
 
Why did the WASP cross the road?
To buy a Wall Street Journal.  (Get it? Me neither, I read the 
  S.F. Chronicle)
 
How many WASPs can you fit in a Volkswagon Beetle?
Four, maybe five if he's not too fat.
 
Heard about the WASP doll?  Wind it up and it walks.
 
How do you stop a WASP from acting like a drunken fool?
Suggest to him/her it's a bad idea.

Heard about the Polish doll? Wind it up and it walks into a wall.
Heard about the nerd doll? Wind it up and it computes how far it could
 walk if it felt like it.
Heard about the Made In America doll?  Wind it up and it falls apart.
Heard about the U.S. Senate doll? Wind it up and it goes in circles.
Heard about the Jesse Helms doll? Wind it up and it marches to the 
 right.
Heard about the Prince doll? Wind it up and it drops its pants.
Heard about the Charles Ng doll? Wind it up and it steals your 
 batteries, then heads north.
Heard about the New Yorker doll? Try to wind it up and it shoots you in
 self defense.
Heard about the California doll? Wind it up and it looks for the hot tub
Heard about the Ted Kennedy doll? Wind it up and it denies running for
 President.
Heard about the Gary Hart doll? I haven't heard any new ideas either.
Heart about the Barbara Walters doll? You don't even have to wind it up,
 it's always talking.
Heard about the James Bond doll? Wind it up and it jumps your bones.

Whats 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1?
Bo Derek getting older.
 
What's a Polish 10?  Two 4's.
 
What's a Greek 10?  The back of a 3.
 
What's a Jewish 10?  A 4 with $6 million.
 
What's a WASP 10?  A 7 with good breeding.
 
What's 11 10 9?  Measurements of Miss Ethiopia.
 
What's a Yuppie 10?  A 5 with an IQ of 150, annual income over $150,000,
 a condo worth $1.5 million, 15 club memberships, and 1500 ideas for a
 business venture.
 
What's a Black 10?  A White 2 with 8 grams of coke.

Where do the characters go when they scroll off the screen?
Why can't you shoe up a system?
If there's data on a floppy but it isn't in the drive, does it make any
 sense?
How come 64K isn't enough?
How come 640K isn't enough?
Who is Buddy Epson and why did he go into the printer business?
What do you do when you're interrupted while waiting for the bus?
What do PCs think when we think we turned them off?
Why can't I buy a MoSmart?
Where do power surges come from? Is Serge Prokofiev behind them? Is it
 a Commie plot?
How come there's no such thing as top of the line when it comes to PCs?
 Everything is out of date within two months.
If you put a 120 MHz crystal in an AT, would it become a Cray T?
What did they do with all those slide rules?  Are they related to the
 three rules of Robotics? Does Isaac Asimov have to have his hand in 
 everything?  Is there such a being as Isaac Asimov, or Peter Norton?
When PCs become obsolete, what will take their place? Social Computers?

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BUTCHER THAT BACKED INTO A MEAT GRINDER AND GOT
A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK?
WHY DO MEXICANS HAVE TROUBLE WRITING CHECKS?
ITS TOUGH TO SPRAY PAINT YOUR SIGNATURE ON THE LITTLE LINE.
WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO REUNITE THE BEATLES?
3 MORE BULLETS.
WHAT'S LONG AND HARD ON A BLACK MAN?
3rd GRADE

WHY IS MS. PACMAN AN UNREALISTIC GAME?
WHO IS GOING TO BELIEVE A GAME ABOUT A GIRL RUNNING AWAY FROM
FOUR GUYS TRYING TO EAT HER?

WHAT'S GREEN AND SMELLS LIKE MISS PIGGY?
KERMIT'S MIDDLE FINGER

THE PHOME AT MISS PIGGY'S HOME RINGS AND KERMIT THE FROG ANSWERS.   THE
CALLER ASKS TO TALK TO MISS PIGGY.  KERMIT REPLIES "SHE CAN'T TALK NOW
BECAUSE SHE HAS A FROG IN HER THROAT."

A Polish family moved to the U.S.
The mother was very worried that her son would be the brunt of
ethnic jokes so sheised her son to be especially attentive adn
try to answer all his teachers questions.                    
        The son came home from his first day at school all excited. His
Mom  asked what all the excitement was about .               
        He answered "Mom , you remember you told me to pay attention.
We'll the teacher asked the class a question and I was the only
one who knew the answer!!!                                   
        REALLY his Mom exclaimed "What was the question?"           
        "Who farted? " the son proudly replied.

Unfortunately, the following story has a ring of truth in it. It was 
heard duritn the PBS production WAR. 
   A soviet citizen was asked what he was to do if he was alerted to an
impending nuclear strike. He responded,'I should wear a white sheet and
walk slowly to the cemetary' 
   'But why walk slowley?' he was asked.
   'So not to cause a panic!'
(MAD - Mutually Assured Destruction)

    Among several hundred prisoners to be executed by guillotine were
a physicist, a statistician, and an engineer.  According to the
current custom, if the guillotine failed to sever the head of the
condemned, he was to be set free.  Further, at any time, one could
volunteer to be the next to be executed.
    On this particular day, the guillotine seemed to fail with some
apparent regularity.  The physicist, watching the executions while
waiting for his own, noticed that the failure always occurred when the
blade was drawn up above a certain height, then speed of the blade in
its track would cause it bind before beheading the victim.  Observing
the next occurence of this circumstance, he quickly volunteered for
his execution and was fortunately spared when the blade failed to
reach his neck.
    The statistician, watching the executions while waiting for his
own, noticed regularity in the apparent failures of the guilotine and
computed the probability of failure during each execution.  Upon
arriving at a situation where the probability of survival was strongly
in his favor, he quickly volunteered for his execution and was spared
as the guillotine failed.
    The engineer, watching the executions, noticed that the cause of
the failure was a loose bolt on the frame which with some regularity
caused the guillotine to fail.  When it appeared that the guillotine
was going to fail on the next victim, the engineer spoke out and said
'I know whats wrong with your guillotine'.

Did you hear about the optomitrist [sic] who fell into his lens grinder
and made a spectacle of himself?

Several cannibals were having a party and feasting on a missionary. One
cannibal said to another 'this party is great and so is this arm'. The
other replied 'I'm having a ball'

What does AIDS stand for in the Midwest?
Another Iowan Discovers Sex.
 
What's the New Jersey state flower?
The Highway Cloverleaf.
 
What's the New Jersey state bird?
<give the finger>  ..|..
 

What's the last sound a pubic hair makes before dying?
Ptooey!
 
Define "Frenzy"
3 blind lesbians in a fish store.
 
3 elephants were sitting in a hot tub.  The first one said, "pass the
wine, please." and the second said, "No wine, television." HAHAHAHAHA
 
What do you call 3 lepers in a hot tub?   Soup
What did the leper say to the hooker?  Thanks, and keep the tip.
 
A gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender serves
him one and says, "That will be five hundred dollars." The gorilla pays
for his drink. The bartender, making conversation, says, "We don't get
many gorillas in this bar." Replies the gorilla, "And at these prices,
I'm not surprised."

What did the boy mushroom say to the girl mushroom?
Hey, I'm a fun guy!
 
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed that all the women were paying
attention to this real geeky guy.  He was 4'11", fat, bald, and pimply,
not to mention the coke-bottle glasses and that he sniffled a lot. He
motioned to the bartender, "Hey, what gives? Why are all the chicks 
interested in that lump over there?"  "Dunno," replied the bartender,
"He came in here, sat down, and didn't say anything to them.  Just 
stared into space licking his eyebrows."
 
How can a women lose lots of ugly fat quick?
DIVORCE HIM!!!!
 
Like my brother is so stupid he has to take his pants off to count to
21.
Like he is so stupid when they were handing out brains he thought they
said trains so he asked for a slow one.

What do waterfowl use for bondage?
DUCK TAPE!!!!
 
Who killed more Indians that General Custer?
Union Carbide.
 
Who was voted the MVP in the 1984 Hockey season?
Indira Gandhi: she stopped 10 shots in 7 seconds.
 
How do you stop a JAP from craving sex constantly?
Marry her.
 
What's an ideal JAP house?
15 rooms, no kitchen, no bedroom.

why do airborne rangers carry two slices of bread when then jump
out of airplanes?????        to pick up their buddies whose 
chutes fail to open.!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?
 
 
A:  "Darling."

Why does a JAP never get a colostomy?
Because is nearly impossible to get shoes to match the bag!
What's a JAP's definition of natural child birth?
Wearing ABSOLUTELY NO MAKE-UP>

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JOAN COLLINS AND THE TITANIC?
ONLY 1500 WENT DOWN ON THE TITANIC.

How many computer mainframe support people does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
At least fifty...One to screw it in...the other forty-nine to study
the security and networking implications!!!
If you are on a centrally supported mainframe - you'll understand.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
NONE!! That's a hardware problem!

What do the initials PLO stand for?  Push Leon Overboard
 
Heard about the new drink called a Klinghoffer?
  Two shots and a splash.
 
Why didn't Leon Klinghoffer take a shower the night before the hijacking
  He figured he'd wash up on the beach.
 
What do you call an Iranian fanatic on a roof?
  Shiite on a Shingle.  <That one's not that funny>
 
Heard about the WASP who turned into a store and left the door ajar....
 
There is an old story about Prime Minister Gladstone, who was having a
chat with Benjamin Disraeli, while getting a blow job by a young 
British Army Regular.  Gladstone was so intent on his discussion that
he had to be interrupted by the youngster, who informed him, "Excuse me
sir, but you've come."  "Why, by George, so I have!" he replied 
cheerily, and tipped the lad a sovereign.

 
What's the difference between a light bulb and a nymphomaniac?
You can unscrew the light bulb.

A DRUNK WAS STAGGERING DOWN THE STREET WITH A BOX UNDER EACH ARM.
A POLICEMAN STOPS THE DRUNK AND ASKS:
  "EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN THOSE BOXES UNDER YOUR ARMS?"
  "well, occifer, under me left arm i've got a 5 bottles of whiskey,
   just in case of snake bite, don't ya know"
  "THAT'S JUST FINE, SIR. NOW WHAT'S IN THE OTHER BOX?"
  "oh, just snakes..."
 
How can you tell the difference between the drunks and everyone else
during and earthquake?
- The drunks are the only ones able to walk halfway decent
 

Mark Twain's assessment of the music of Richard Wagner:
"It's not as bad as it sounds."

Bumper Sticker Seen in L.A;
  
"Fresh Air Smells Funny"

WHAT WAS PELLE LINDBERGH'S NICKNAME?
(HARVEY WALLBANGER)

What's the difference between midget bank robbers and the Radcliffe 
track team?  One's a group of cunning runts...
 
What's the difference between a magic show and a porno show?
  One's a cunning array of stunts...
 
THIS ONE'S FOR ALL THE GUYS OUT THERE: Any of you know the difference
between sashimi and cunnilingus?  If not, I know this great Japanese 
restaurant...
 
A man, feeling rather self-satisfied after his performance, asked his
new-found lady friend if he was her first lover.  "I think so," she 
replied, "Your face did look familiar."
 
What's this?  <Stomp on the floor 3 times>
CPR for an AIDS victim.

HOW MANY SOLDIERS DOES IT TAKE xDTO WIN THE WAR?????
200     ONE TO DO THE SHOOTING AND 199 TO USE THE $600.00 TOILET SEATS.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A PROSTITUTE WITH A RUNNY NOSE?
                 FULL!!!


WHAT DO YOU CALL A HALF-WIT AT TEXAS A & M?       GIFTED!

HOW MANY 'REAL MEN' DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
NONE - REAL MEN AREN'T AFRAID OF THE DARK.

DID YOU SEE THE NEW ROCK HUDSON DESIGNER JEANS?
THEY HAVE ZIPPERS ON BOTH SIDES.
DID YOU HEAR WHY ROCK HUDSON'S CAR INSURANCE WENT UP?
HE GOT REAR ENDED TOO MANY TIMES.
WHAT DID ROCK HUDSON SAY TO DORIS DAY WHEN SHE WAS CRYING?
ROLL OVER AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.
WHAT DID ROCK HUDSON SAY WHEN HE WAS ASKED WHO GAVE HIM AIDS?
HE SAID "I DON'T HAVE EYES IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD."
DO YOU KNOW WHAT GAY STANDS FOR?
GOT AIDS YET?

WHAT DO YOU CALL A PRETTY GIRL IN MINNESOTA?
A TOURIST.
WHAT IS THE BEST THING TO COME OUT OF MINNESOTA?
INTERSTATE 35.

WHAT DO ELEPHANTS USE FOR TAMPONS?
SHEEP.
WHAT DO ELEPHANTS USE FOR VIBRATORS?
EPILEPTICS.

So, the doctor goes into the sick man's room...
   
"I have some GOOD news and some BAD news", the Doctor said.
"Well, let's hear the GOOD news frist", the Man said
   
the doc pauses... "you have 24 hours to live !" he blirs out.
"WHAT ??" the man gasps, "that's the GOOD news... what's the 
BAD news??"
    
   
"I couldn't get you on the phone yesterday...", said the doctor.

I'VE HAD SUCH A BAD DAY I COULD HAVE FALLEN INTO A BARREL OF TITS
AND COME UP SUCKING A THUMB.

Did you hear about the new strain of AID?
its called hearing-AIDS
   
You get it by listening to Assholes.

A YOUNG LADY AMERICAN TOURIST IN EDINBURGH APPROACHES AN ELDER SCOTSMAN
AND SAYS, "fORGIVE ME FOR ASKING SUCH A PERSONAL QUESTION, BUT I'VE 
ALWAYS WONDERED--IS ANYTHING WORN UNDER THE KILT?"  HE REPLIES, "NAY,
LASSIE--GOOD AS EVER."

Ok folks. 1. Everybody stand up.
2. Now, bend over and grab your knees.
3. Good, next spell RUN very slowly.
4. ...Another sucker born every minute.

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