Note:  The Truly Tasteless BBS has the pleasure of providing you with the
following humor.  Please direct any updates, comments, improvements, etc. to
TTT BBS at (415)-364-4339, or by mail at

1583 Cordilleras Road,
Redwood City, CA 94062

Thanks!

Richard Lane
Sysop

It seems there was this unemployed systems analyst who was
getting desparate for money.  He figured that he could get a 
little by doing some odd jobs.  So he goes door to door asking
people if they need any jobs done.  At this one house, an Old
Man answers the door. The analyst asks him if he needs any odd
jobs done.  The old man says, yes, I need for the porch out 
front to be painted.  He told the analyst to go into the garage
and get the green paint, and paint the porch.  About an hour 
later, the analyst again knocked on the door and announced that
he was finished.  He said, "But, you made one mistake, that 
isn't a porch out front, thats a BMW."

Grandpa dead? Well, don't go the usual ute of unsanitary
burials, messy cremations, or smelly interrment in the back
hallway. Join the electronic age and send Grandpa to his for-
er rest at UPLOAD ACRES. Simply digitize Grandpa, squeeze
him to save on the phone bill, and upload him right to
this BBS as GRANDPA.DED. Download him, if you like, for
family occassions; but don't waste valuable space on your hard
disk...send him back UPLOAD ACRES where you can always find
him. Take a moment to browse through the directory....maybe
you'll find the name of sone you haven't heard from a 
while! But take this as a warning....don't spend too much time
in UPLOAD ACRES...you might find a file with your name on it!


A Polish couple was walkimg down the street when the spotted a
black couple with their 2 kids. The woman turns to her husband
and says, "You know, we have seven kids of our own, but we've
never been able to have a black baby!"
The man says, "You're right! I'll go over and ask him how he
does it." So he goes over to the man and says, "Hello, mister.
Your kids sure are cute. I've been wondering, though, how do
you and your wife do it? My wife and I have seven kids and
we've never been able to have a black baby."
The black guy turns to his wife and says, "Watch me get rid of
this freak." He syays to the Polack, "Well, how big is your 
organ? Is it about this big?" (Holding his hands five inches
apart.)
The Polack says, "No, it's about this big." (Holding his hands
half an inch apart.)
The black guy says, "Well, there's your problem! You're letting
in too much light!"

What do you call an Ethiopian taking a dump?
 
....a show-off.
 
What do you tell an Ethiopian Jew from other Ethiopians?
 
....by the gold Rolex around his waist.
 
What do you call an Ethiopian in a dinner jacket?
 
....an optimist.


MAN STICKS IN ONE FINGER.
WOMAN SAYS TO STICK IN ANOTHER FINGER.
MAN SAYS,"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? WHISTLE??"
 
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
HOW DO YOU TELL A HAPPY MOTORCYCLIST??
 
                    BY THE BUGS ON HIS TEETH....
 
There once was a truck drivers wife who had this little baby.
One day the baby got the hickups so bad that the wife called the
doctor. The doctor told her to find a piece of blue ribbon, and
tie it around the baby's peter.  Sure enough, it stopped the 
hickups.  That night the truck driver came home, drunk, and 
passed out on the bed. Soon he started to hickup. The wife got
up and found a piece of blue ribbon and tied it on his peter.
It slowed them down, but did not stop them, so she looked for
another piece of blue ribbon.  She could'nt find a piece of blue
ribbon, so she tied a piece of red ribbon on his peter.  Sure
enough, it stopped the hickups.  The next morning the truck 
driver got up and went into the bathroom to do is morning task.
When he looked down and saw the blue and red ribbon tied to his
peter, he said: GOLLY SPORT, I SURE DON'T REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE
LAST NIGHT, BUT WE SURE AS HELL CAME FIRST, AND SECOND.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A PIG WITH A TEXAN?
 
 
NOTHING! THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T GET A PIG TO DO.


Did you hear that Mexico was thinking of pulling out of the 1984
Olympics?
They found out that every Mexican who could run, jump or swim 
was already here.
   
Polack 1 : Hey, you want to hear a great American joke?
Polack 2 : Sure.
Polack 1 : How many Americans does it take to screw in a light
           bulb?
Polack 2 : I don't know.  How many?
Polack 1 : ONE!  HA,HA,HA,HA!


Man is taking a train to a business appointment. He is in his
berth and hears a knock on the door. He opens it and sees an
attractive woman, who asks, "do you have an extra blanket?"
He says, "you're feeling a little chill?", and she replys, "yes,
my husband isn't with me this evening."  Then she takes a good
look at our friend and says, "your wife -- she isn't with you
tonight?"  He answers, "no, I'm afraid not."  Then she gets a
look in her eye and says, "well, how about you and me play 
married?" 
  
 He says, "Fine! go get your own blanket."
What happened to the couple that didn't know the difference 
between putty and vaseline?
 
All their windows fell out.

THE DATE: EASTER SUNDAY, 1985 YEARS AGO
PLACE: COMMAND HEADQUARTERS, HEAVEN
(Hotline rings. The Lord picks up the phone.)
LORD: Lord here.
St. Peter (on hotline): I've got some good news and some bad 
news, Lord.
LORD: Let's have the good news first.
St.P: He has pushed back the rock, Lord, and He has risen!
LORD: Great news! Now the bad.
St.P: He's plenty pissed about last Friday.

Why do Ethiopian women make the best dates in the world?
Because you can be sure they will swallow.

How many Pollacks does it take to eat possum
Two ----- One to eat and one to watch for cars.

What is the difference between kinky and disgusting?
.............a feather is kinky, the whole chicken is 
disgusting.
 
A black woman on a talk show allowed as how she had 23 children.
 "23!"  glowed the host. "And how can you remember their names?"
"no problem, they are all named Leroy."
"Uh, yes......  but what do you do if you want to talk to them
one at a time?"
"That's no problem either--I just use their last names then!"

Why do Britishers drink warm beer?
... because they have Lucas refrigerators.

What do the call a pretty girl in California?... A Visitor.

What do fat women and mopeds have in common?                 
They're lots of fun to ride til your friends see you on one.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 
Answer: None, they're all screwing in the hot tub.
 
How can you tell if an Ethiopian woman is pregnant?
 
Answer: Hold her up to the light.
 
What do you call an Ethiopian walking his dog?
Answer: A vegetarian

WHY WERE WOMEN CREATED WITH THEIR VAGINA'S AND THEIR ANUS SO 
CLOSE TOGETHER?
SO YOU CAN CARRY THEM LIKE A SIX-PACK.

WHAT DID POPEYE DO WHEN HE FOUND OUT THE POPE WAS GOING TO MOUNT
OLIVE? HE KNOCKED THE HELL OUT OF HIM. 
NOBODY MESSES AROUND WITH POPEYES WOMAN.

 Father to son:  I do not care if there are cracks in the 
basement wall, just stop telling everyone you come from a broken
home.

 SHERIFF: WHICH WAY DID THE COMPUTER RUSTLERS GO?
 COWBOY BOB:  DATA WAY.

  WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WITH SESAME SEEDS ON HIS HEAD?
  A QUARTER POUNDER.
  
  WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WITH BUCK TEETH?
  A RAKE.
   
 WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WITH TWO DOGS?
 A FARMER.


How do you blindfold an oriental?
 
Dental floss
 

Whats brown, schrivled and has cobwebs?
a..an eth. asshole.

THIS GUY GOES TO SEE A BOIL-SUCKER BECAUSE HE HAS A BOIL BETWEEN
HIS BALLS AND HIS ASSHOLE. HE CLIMBES UP ONTO THE TABLE, SHE 
KNEELS DOWN, BITES INTO IT AND STARTS TO SUCK THE PUSS OUT OF
IT. tHEN THE GUY FARTS. SHE STANDS UP, PUTS HER HANDS ON HER 
HIPS AND SAYS "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?  MAKE ME SICK!

How do Ethnics practice birth control?
The men put a nail in their shoe....it makes them limp!
 
What do gays call condems?
Seal-a-Meal!
 
Gay1: (Banging on bathroom door) C'Mon! I have to go to work!
Gay2: (Beating off into a baggie) Hold on, dear, I'm packing your lunch!
 
(This is an old one, but good for you language buffs)
Why is the wind blind?
  The wind is a zephyr, a zephyr is a yarn, a yarn is a story, a story
  is a tail, a tail is an attachment, an attachment is love, and love
  is blind, therefore the wind is blind.
 
What do you get when you cross a Vietamese and a Mexican?
A car thief that can't drive!

why did they put astro turf at the texas a&m football field?
to keep the home comming queen from grazing.

DID YOU HERE ABOUT KLU KLUX KNIEVEL?
    -- HE TRIED TO JUMP OVER EIGHT BLACK MEN WITH A STEAMROLLER.

HOW DO YOU GET A BLACK MAN OUT OF A TREE IN ALABAMA?
        --  CUT THE ROPE...

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK MAN MIXING CEMENT WITH A PITCHFORK?
       -- A MORTAR FORKER...

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
 
       --  the wheelchair...

  Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side in an
accident?
 
                -- he's all right...

  Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts?
  
 
                    -- Because it's hard to sign checka with a can
                       of spray paint...

    What do you call an abortion in Czechoslovakia?
   
           -- a canceled check.

   Did you hear about the new German microwave?
  
       it seats six.

   Why didn't the pope attend his own investiture?
  
   he couldn't find a clean bowling shirt.

   Why do black men like to wear high heels?
 
   To keep from scrapinf their knuckles when they walk.

How does a punk rocker cross the road?
Stapled to a chicken!
 
How do you make love to a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
 
A young boy was caught masterbating in the bathroom by his father.
"Son", said the father, "look at your hand. Look at that sperm in your
hand. Don't you realize that that sperm may have been a president, or
a scientist, or the Pope? What a waste! Do you think that's right?"
"No", said the son, "I'm sorry father, I'll never do it again."
Well, about an hour later the boy is back in the bathroom. After
he is finished, he looks at the sperm in his hand.
"Wow, I think Dad may be right", said the boy. "That may have been
an astronaut or something.  Well.." <boy licks hand> "I'll give 'em
a second chance."
 
What do you call a man with no arms and legs hanging on a wall?
ART!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding their horses when all of
a sudden Tonto stopped and got off of his horse and put his ear
to the ground and said "MMM Buffalo come" and the Lone Ranger
asked him how he knew,  Tonto replied "Ear stuck to ground".

   Why do blacka keep chickens in their back yards?
 
   To teach their kids how to walk.

How do they screw in light bulbs in New Jersey?
They ?~don't screw in light bulbs in N.J., they hammer them in.

How many Jewish Princesses does it take to replace a light bulb?
Two: one to call Daddy, and one to open the can of Tab.

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN IN A DINNER JACKET?
  
HOPEFUL
 

  How can you tell the pope's plane in a snowstorm?
 
  It's the one with the chains on the propellers.

My ex-wife is suing me.  You see, I made a nasty remark about
her.  It was written up in the papers that she was walking 
through the park when she was violated(that's how they put it:
violated).The reporters came to me and asked for a comment.
I told them,'If I know my ex-wife, it was not a moving 
violation.'.  So she is a little miffed

WHY DO YOU WRAP A HAMSTER IN ELECTRICAL TAPE?
SO IT WON'T EXPLODE WHEN YOU FUCK IT
      
WHAT DO YOU CALL A MEXICAN IN A COURT ROOM?
GUILTY
     
WHAT IS GREEK FOREPLAY?
HERE SHEEPIE, SHEEPIE, SHEEPIE
    
WHAT IS BLACK FOREPLAY?
WAKE-UP BITCH
      
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN IRISH WEDDING AND AN IRISH FUNERAL?
ONE LESS DRUNK
     
HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN A POLISH WOMAN IS HAVING HER PERIOD?
SHE IS ONLY WEARING ONE SOCK

WHATS A 68?
YOU DO ME, AND I'LL OWE YOU ONE
 
How can you tell when a JAP has an orgasm?
She drops her fingernail file.
Why did the JAP use a diaphram made of $100 bills?
She wanted her husband to come into money.
What does a JAP do with her asshole each morning?
Sends him to work.
 
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
11 - One to change the lightbulb and 10 to discuss how much more
     gratifying it is for a man.
 
What do you call a freeway in Oakland?
A Blood Vein.
What to you call a traffic jam in Oakland?
A Blood Clot.

  
   What do you get when you cross an apple and a JAP?
   
   A computer that never goes down...
   
 

THIS MAN IN A BAR GOES UP TO A LADY AND
ASKS IF SHE WOULD LIKE A DRINK. THE
LADY TURNED TO HIM AND YELLED 'YOUR PLACE'.
THE MAN WAS TOOK BACK BY THIS BUT 
REPEATED HIS QUESTION. SHE LOOKED AND
SAID, 'YOU WANT ME TO GET IN YOUR CAR
AND GO TO YOUR PLACE.' THE MAN WAS REALLY
EMBARASSED SO HE WENT AND SAT AT A TABLE.
EVERY ONE IN THE BAR WAS LOOKING AT HIM.
LATER THE WOMAN CAME TO HIM AND SAID THAT
SHE WAS A STUDENT STUDYINY WHAT PEOPLE'S
REACTIONS WERE TO UNCOMMON CIRCUMSTANCES.
THE MAN LOOKED UP AT HER AND YELLED
'A HUNDRED DOLLARS!!'


SO WHY DON'T SHARKS ATTACK LAWYERS?
(Professional Courtesy)

How can you spot a Polish funeral?
The lead garbage truck has it's lights on.
                    
WHAT DO YOU CALL ADEAD ETHEOPIAN,?
FOOD.
HOW DO YOU TELL THE PPPOPUULATION OF AN ETHEOPIAN VILLAGE?
ROLL A TWINKIE DOWN THE STREET.
WHAR DO OTHER ETHEOPIANS DO WHEN ONE ETHEOPIAN IS ABOUT TO THROW
UP?
GATER AROUND WITH SPOONSAND BOWLS.
WHAT IS THE FASTEST LIVING CREATUE ON EARTH?
AN ETHEOPIAN CHICKEN
WHAT IS THE SECOND FASTEST?
AN ETHEOPIAN WITH A MCDONALDS GIFT CERTIFICATE.

  Jesus and St. Peter decided to play golf one day. On the 8th hole,
Jesus sliced into the watertrap. Instead of taking a stroke, Jesus
walked out onto the pond, looking for his ball. A golfer from the 
group behind Jesus and St. Peter walked up to St. Peter and said
to him "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"
"No", replied St. Peter, "Right now he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
 
 A Rabbi decided to play golf on the Sabbath. While he was playing,
St. Peter looked down from heaven.
"God", said St. Peter, "Look at that Rabbi! Playing golf on the
Sabbath! Don't you think you should teach him a lesson?"
"Maybe", replied God.
At that moment the Rabbi teed off at the 6th hole. The ball richoceted
off a tree, bounced off a rock, and landed in the cup.
"Look at that!", exclaimed St. Peter, "I thought you were going to
teach him a lesson! He just made a hole-in-one!!"
"Who is he going to tell?" said God.


There are so many complaints about the use of animals for 
medical testing that they no longer use rats for lab testing --
now they use lawyers.  For three reasons: 1) There are more of
them.  2) Though not human, they are closer to the human species
than rats.  3) Researchers are less likely to become attached
to them.

AN ELEPHANT WALKED UP TO A NAKED
MAN AND SAID, 'HOW DO YOU BREATHE
OUT OF THAT THING!'

LITTLE BOY: 'MAMA, WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?'
MAMA: 'FROM THE STORK, OF COURSE.'
LITTLE BOY: 'BUT, MAMA, WHO F..KS THE STORK?'
 
 
HOW DO YOU MAKE MANISCHEWITZ WINE?
SQUEEZE HIS BALLS!
 
 
WHAT DID THE POLACK DO WITH HIS FIRST FIFTY CENT PIECE?
HE MARRIED HER.

A GUY WALKED INTO THE CONFESSIONAL BOOTH AND CONFESSED TO THE PRIEST,
'FATHER, I GOT LAID TEN TIMES TODAY!'
THE SHOCKED PRIEST SAID, 'WHAT KIND OF CATHOLIC ARE YOU?'
THE MAN RETURNED, 'IM NOT A CATHOLIC AT ALL... BUT I HAD TO TELL 
SOMEONE!'

What do you call four blacks in a cadilac?
... Grand thieft auto.

So there's this lesbian. She hasn't been laid for a long time and is 
really horny. She goes all over town to all the pickup joints -- even
the safeway -- trying to find someone to go to bed with her. No luck.
Finally she gets desperate enough to go to a whorehouse. She tells the
madam that she wants a young girl, 13 or 14, lightly swelling breasts,
budding nipples -- the works. The madam says, "sorry, I can't do that.
We're not allowed to serve minors to lickers".

A group of scientisits discovered an apelike  creature  in  the  wilds
whichthey  were  certain  was  the  Missing  Link.  The proof of their
theory, though, required that a human mate with the ape  in  order  to
see what characteristics the progeny would take on.  So they put an ad
in the paper:
                     "$5000 TO MATE WITH AN APE"
The next morning a pole called up in responce to the ad  and  said  he
would  be  willing  to  be part of the experiment.  "But," he said, "I
have three conditions."
.
The scientists agreed to hear him out.
.
     1.  "First, my wife must never know."
.
     2.  "Second, the children must be raised as Catholics."
.
     3.  "Third, if  I  can  pay  in  installments,  I  am  definitely
         interested."


There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
Who insists on a dozen a night
        A fellow named Cheddar
        Had the brashness to wed her ..
His chance of survival is slight.
---
On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
Was tatooed the price of her tail
        And on her behind
        For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.
---
There was a young girl who begat
Three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat
        T'was fun in the breeding
        But hell in the feeding
When she found there's no tit for Tat.



What does a walrus have in a common with a Tupperware bowl?
 
They both like a tight seal.

It's an excellent program", said the computer salesman extolling the new
home computer game. "But how can a computer play strip poker?" asked the
dubious customer. "It displays a picture of a girl on the screen," 
explained the salesman, "and every time she loses a hand, she removes
another article of clothing." "And what happens when there's nothing 
left?" The clerk leaned forward and whispered~r, " The computer goes 
down."

     How do you find a foxhole?
 
 
    Lift it's tail.

Have you heard about a Cinderella 10 ?
-
-
-
That's a girl who sucks and fucks until Midnight and then turns
into a Pizza and a 6-Pack.

Three sailors were marooned on a desert island.
They all recognized that to survive they would have to n
specialize . They agreed to draw lots for the three principal
tasks- food gathering, housing and cooking. The short straw 
would be the cook but only so long as no one complained about
the cooking. Months went by and the cook tired of the task,
but no matter how bad his cooking got , no one complained.
At last in desperation he served Cow patties between wood 
slices. His two compatriots sat down to eat. The first inspected
the meal warily.  Finally the second to a bite.
.........He exclaimed---- THIS TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!!!!!
                          but its good.


 
HOW DO YOU SINK THE POLISH NAVY?
 
PUT THEM IN WATER!

The young Polish newlyweds were in bed
on their wedding night when it became
apparent that the husband didn't know
the first thing to do. "Honey", said
the young bride in frustration, "just
take the thing you play with and put
it where I pee".
Obligingly, he threw his bowling ball
into the sink.

Whats the difference between Garbage and a girl from New Jersey?
...
Answer 1: Garbage gets taken out once a week.
2: Garbage occassionally gets picked up.
3: Nothing.

Here are a few OLD ones (from a book published in 1928):
What world catastophe would happen if a colored waiter dropped a platter
with a turkey on it?
- The humiliation of Africa, the fall of Turkey, the destruction of
  China, and the overthrow of Greece.
 
If a man, a woman, and a boy all broke their knees, where would they go
for repairs?
- The man to Africa, where the knee-grows (Negroes); the woman to
  Jerusalem where the she-knees (Sheenies) are; and the boy to the
  butcher for kid-knees (kidneys).
 
What word of six letters contains six words besides itself without
transposing a letter?
- Herein..he - her - here - ere - rein - in.
 
There was a carpenter who made a pantry door; it proved too big; he cut
it; unfortunately he cut it too little; he cut it again and it fit 
beautifully; how is this?  He didn't cut it enough the first time.


Did you hear about the Polish bridegroom?
(No!Tell us about him!)
He stayed up his whole wedding night waiting for the swelling to go 
down!!!

WHAT DO YOU CALL A WHITE MAN ON A BUS FILLED WITH BLACKS?
ANSWER "COACH"
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK MAN ON A BUS FILLED WITH WHITES?
ANSWER "DRIVER"
SORRY, THAT'S ALL I COULD THINK OF.

Q: What do you call venetian blinds in Ethiopia?
A: Bunk Beds
---
Q: What do you call a Jap's nipple?
A: The tip of the iceberg.
---
Q: What's the difference between a Jap and a canoe?
A: Canoes tip.
---
Q: What is a Japs dream house?
A: 18 rooms, no bedroom, no kitchen.
---
Q: What's the difference between the Bermuda Triangle
   and a Jap?
A: The Bermuda Triangle swallows seamen (semen...get it?)

What's the difference between a black man and a polish man?
 
 The black man takes the disheut of the sink before he
pisses in it.

  What happened to the polish terrorist who tried to blow up a
  bus? - He burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe.
 
  What's long and hard on a black man? - Second grade.
 
  What happened to the polish guy who didn't pay his garbage 
  bill? - They stopped delivering.
 
  How do you stop five black men from raping a woman? - Throw
  them a basketball.
 
  Why do farts smell? - So deaf people can enjoy them too.
 
  What's the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish
  funeral? - One less drunk.
  
WHAT DOES RONALD REAGAN AND A TYPEWRITER HAVE IN COMMON......
................THEY BOTH HAVE A SEMI-COLON
HOW DO YOU GET THREE GAY MEN ON A BAR STOOL.....TURN IT UPSIDE
DOWN..
DID YOU READ THE SHORTEST BOOK EVER WRITTEN.......BLACKS I MET
WHILE YACHTING.

Q: What is long and hard and
   full of semen?
A: A submarine. 
---
Q: What do ants use when they want to get high?
A: Antacid
---
Thought for the day:
  It is better to be pissed off than pissed on!
---
Q: What is the difference between a pickpocket and a
   peeping tom?
A: One snatches watches.
---
Did you hear about the Polish girl who wanted to trade
her menstrual cycle for a new Honda?

After 45 years of marriage, Sadie's husband, Sidney, died suddenly.  
According to his wishes, Sadie had his body cremated and placed the 
remains in a small urn.
 
Several weeks later, Sadie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and
diamond ring.  She poured his ashes into a small ash tray.  "Remember
that mink coat you promised me?  Here it is.  Remember that diamond 
ring?  I got that, too."
 
She then picked up the ash tray and blew Sidney's ashes into the air.
"There's the blow job I promised you."
 

How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
 none, Don't worry about me, I'll just sit here in the dark...
how many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
10-one to change the light bulb and nine to share the experience.
I'll think of some more and call back

There was this farmer who had a very large herd of cows and one aging
bull to 'service' them. the farmer felt that it was time to give the old
bull some help and obtained (purchased) a younger bull to help out with
the general duties.
     On the day the young bull arrived, the older bull took te younger
one around to show him the lay (excuse the pun) of the land.  they 
climbed a large hill and the older bull pointed out the range and 
indicated that the number of cows they were to service. 
     The younger bull, seeing all teh cows, exclaimed "Lets run down and
get one of those cows now." The older bull replied "Let's walk and get
them all."

WHY DO POLES CARRY TURDS IN THEIR WALLETS?
 
.. FOR IDENTIFICATION ..

WHAT DO YOU CALL A POLE IN A TREE?
A BRANCH MANAGER ..

WHERE DO THEY HIDE THE MONEY IN A POLISH HOUSEHOLD?
.. UNDER THE SOAP ..

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MEXICAN BAPTISM?
BEAN DIP..

WHY DO FLYS HAVE WINGS?
TO BEAT THE BLACKS TO THE WATERMELON...

WHAT'S A PUERTO RICAN AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD?
 
.. A KNIFE ..

WHY DON'T MEXICANS BARBECUE?
 
.. BECAUSE THE BEANS SLIP THROUGH THE GRILL ..

WHAT'S THE GERMAN WORD FOR "BRA"
STOPEMFROMFLOPPEN...

THERE WAS THESE TWO GAY GUYS AND THEY SAW THIS GREAT LOOKIN 
CHICK WALK BY AND THE FIRST GUY SAID TO THE OTHER: "GOD I WISH
I WAS A LESBIAN!"  HAR HAR HAR HAR    A POLISH GIRL CAME HOME
AND TOLD HER MOTHER THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT, HER MOTHER SAID,"ARE
YOU SURE THE BABY IS YOURS?" HAR HAR HAR

What do you call a gay roller-derby team?
Rollaids!
What do you call a gay rock group?
Bandaids!

What's the difference between a fox and a pig?
About five or six drinks.


  How do you get 20 cubans into a paper cup? - Tell them it floats.
 
  Why do they call camels the ships of the desert? - 'Cause they're 
filled with Iranian semen.
 
     This black guy had been shot in the leg in a barroom fight. They
rushed a ambulance to get him and the paramedics slit his pants off to
the knees.To their surprise, the black guy's dick hung out of one leg
sleeve. One of the attendants began to chuckle then laugh hilariously.
Suddenly, the black guy sat up and said,"You can laugh if you want 
assholes,but if you're leg had been shot your dick would shrink,too."

Q: What do you call the Italian Navy?
A: Chickens of the sea.
---
Q: What do you call a pole who marries a gorilla?
A: A social climber.
---
Q: What is blue and comes in Brownies?
A: Cub scouts.
---
Q: What are the five worst years of a Pole's life?
A: Third grade.
---
Oh well, I'm off to play water polo.  I hope my horse
doesn't drown this time.

   
     Q) What are three 2-letter words for world's smallest thing
  
  
     A) IS IT IN?
 
A polock went to a lumber yard and asked for some 2x4's.  The manager
asked how long he wanted them.
"A pretyy long while.  I'm building a house."
The same guy, with his friend while in the midst of construction.
"Why do these nails have heads on the wrong side?"
"They're for the other side of the house."
 
How do you make a skeleton?
Stick a leper in a wind tunnel.
 
How do you make suasage?
Put a sock at the other end.
 
How can you tell if a leper's been in your shower?
Your bar of soap has grown.

THE CENSUS TAKER ASKED A GIRL TO GIVE HER OCCUPATION.
'WHORE,' SHE ANSWERED.
'I CAN'T PUT IT THAT WAY, MISS.'
'OKAY, PUT DOWN PROSTITUTE.'
'I CANT LIST THAT EITHER.'
'HOW ABOUT CHICKEN RAISER?'
'CHICKEN RAISER?' HE ASKED IN PUZZLEMENT.
'SURE, LAST YEAR I RAISED NINE HUNDRED COCKS.'

A YOUNG MAN IN LOVE WITH A GIRL HE WANTED TO FUCK WAS SO ASHAMED OF HIS
SMALL PENIS THAT HE WAS AFRAID OF BRINGING UP THE QUESTION, OR OF 
LETTING HER SEE HIM NAKED.  ONE DARK NIGHT HE DROVE HER AROUND IN 
HIS CAR AND PARKED IN A DARK LANE.  AS THEY KISSED HE SURREPTITIOUSLY
OPENED HIS FLY AND PUT HIS WEAPON IN HER HAND.  
'THANKS,'SHE SAID.  'BUT YOU KNOW I DONT SMOKE.'

THIS TRAVELLING SALESMAN GOT AN AUDIENCE WITH THE POPE.
'HEY, FATHER,' HE SAID. ' HAVE YOU HEARD THE JOKE ABOUT THE TWO
POLACKS WHO---'
'MY SON,' THE POPE SAID. 'IM POLISH'
THE SALESMAN THOUGHT FOR A MINUTE.  'THAT'S OKAY, FATHER' HE SAID.  
'I WILL TELL IT VERY SLOWLY.'
 
 
 
A YOUNG GIRL SWALLOWED A PIN WHEN SHE WAS ELEVEN AND NEVER FELT A 
PRICK UNTIL SHE TURNED EIGHTEEN!

there is a new discovery about aids
it seems it turns fruits into vegetables!

HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEW DEF FOR "ENDLESS LOVE"?
THATS STEVIE WONDER AND RAY CHARLES PLAYING TENNIS

LIFE IS A SHIT SANDWICH:
THE MORE BREAD YOU HAVE,
THE LESS SHIT YOU EAT.

How can you tell the difference between a
squashed snake on the road and a squashed lawyer ? It's easy, there's
skid marks near a snake.                                             
Here's another. The other night I told mu wife, "I feel like like having
sex." So she left the room to give me privacy.
Here's a JAP joke.
What's the most expensive jewish wine ?
"I don't have a thing to wear !"

The cannibal walks into the restaraunt and looks at the menu:
FRIED FRENCHMAN         $4.50
GRATED GERMAN           $5.75
SAUTEED SPAI$4.95
GRILLED GREEK           $6.50
MARINATED MEXICAN               $41.95
So he calls over the cannibal waiter:
"hey, what's so good about the Mexican?"
"nothing"
"Well then, where do you get off charging  $41.95 for 'em?!"
"Hey! you eer tried to clean one of them suckers???"

I understand that Evel Knievel will soon perform the greatest 
death-defying stunt yet.....                  
 
He will drag a piece of bologna behind his bike across Ethopia.
 
**************** Riddle of the Day *****************
 
What has 10 teeth and an IQ of 51 ?
     
              Answer: The first four rows at a wrestling match. 
 
Q: What do you get when you cross a one-legged Pollack with a
camera?
A: A Polaroid One-Step.
 
Q: How do you get 10,000 Jews into a Volkswagon?
A: Throw a penny in the back seat.
 
Q: How was the Grand Canyon made?
A: A Jew lost his penny in the sand.


What's red and has seven dents?
Snow White's cherry.

Two guys were out hunting one day when one of them spotted a huge bear
on the next hill.  Noticing that the bear had seen them and was coming
after them, that ran like hell.  Suddenly, one guy stopped, sat down,
and started changing into running shoes.
"Hey, you idiot!" the other guy yelled, "Why are you doing that?  You
can't outrun a bear!"
Replied the first guy, "I don't have to outrun the bear.  I just have
to outrun you."

THIS OLD MAN WENT TO HIS DOCTOR.
"I'VE GOT TOILET PROBLEMS," HE COMPLAINED.
"WELL, LET'S SEE. HOW IS YOUR URINATION?"
"EVERY MORNING AT SEVEN O'CLOCK LIKE A BABY."
"GOOD. HOW ABOUT YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENT?"
"EIGHT O'CLOCK EACH MORNING LIKE CLOCKWORK."
"SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?" THE DOCTOR ASKED.
"I DON'T WAKE UP UNTIL NINE!"


Saw a joke on here that I just have to fix:
  What do you get when you cross a one-legged Pollack and a MONGOLOID?
  - A Polaroid One-Step
Now for a few new ones:
  Why don't Polish girls use vibrators?
  - It chips their teeth...
 
  Two Swedes were walking down the street when one commented to the 
  other, "Boy, Sven, I walked past your house last night, and I saw 
  the shadows of you and your wife on the bedroom window shade. I never
  saw such goings on in my life! You really should turn the lights off
  when you do those things!"
  "Ha", Laughed Sven, "The jokes on you, Olie! I wasn't home last 
   night!!!"

Swen and Olie were in their favorite bar, sucking down a few glasses
of glog. As Sven was looking around the bar, he noticed a couple of 
nice looking ladies sitting in a booth in the corner. One of the ladies
noticed Sven staring and turned sideways, lifted her skirt and spread
her legs.
  "Olie! Olie! That girl over in the booth! She doesn't have any 
   panties on!"
Olie looked over and the other girl lifted her skirt and spread her 
legs.
  "Sven! The other girl, too! She doesn't have any panties on either!"
  "Olie! Quick! Show her your nuts!!"
At which point Olie stuck his fingers in his ears, wiggled his hands,
and yelled "BOOGAH, BOOGAH, BOOGAH!!!"

It's Christmas time and Sven and Olie decided to go look for a Christmas
Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees
off so they can get a good look at them.
  When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Olie brushes off the
first tree, and stands back with Sven to look at it.
  "Well, Sven, What do you think?"
  "Sorry, Olie, this tree won't do. Let's try another one."
  They come apon another nice tree, Olie brushes it off, and they both
look at it.
  "How about this one, Sven?"
  "Not quite, Olie. Let's keep looking."
Well, this goes on until nightfall. Both Sven and Olie are cold, tired,
and hungry.
  "Well, Sven, what do we do now?"
  "Olie, I think we should take the next tree we find home, whether it
   has lights on it or not..."

Q: What do women and volcanos not have in common?
 
A: volcanos don't fake eruptions!
 


     One fine day, Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing
golf.  It's the 2nd hole, when Jesus hits the ball straight into
the lake.  Jesus then goes over, walks on the water, orders a
fish to bring the ball up, and proceeds oing the ball.
One stroke later he makes the hole.  
     Moses then tries it.  He also drives the ball into the
water.  He then goes over to the lake, raises his club (which
doubled for his stick), parted the waters, went down on the
lake, and made the hole from there.
     Then it was the old man's turn.  He hit the ball, and 
while it was in the air, it was swallowed by a passing pelican.
The pelican then dove into the water, dropping the ball.  It was
caught by a passing dolphin which passed it to a small fish.
The fish swallowd it, and the ball caused it to float.  A 
passing bird saw it and swallowed the fish.  He then flew over
the hole and took a dump.  Amazingly enough, it landed right
in the hole.  
    Jesus then looked the old man in the eye, and said:  "Shit,
Dad!  Do you want to play golf or just fuck around?"


WHAT'S PINK AND FLAT AND SMELLS LIKE YOUR MOTHER
??
MY TONGUE
????

WHAT DOES S.F. STAND FOR? 
Seventy-thousand Fags 

What does GAY stand for? 
Got Aids Yet? 

HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO WASH THE FLOOR?
NONE! (IT'S A WOMAN'S JOB)

HOW MANY PROGRAMMERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
NONE, THEY CONSIDER IT A HARDWARE PROBLEM. 

All right, What's grosser than gross?
             Kissing an ethiopian and he bites your tounge.
        
               What's grosser than that?
               Kissing your mother and then she goes down on you.
 
           What's even grosser than that?
           You fondle your girl's crotch and she get's a hard-on.
 
Q:  WHAT DO YOU CALL A {PERSON WHO HAS AIDS AND HERPES?
A:  AN INCURABLE ROMANTIC

what is black and white
          black and white
              black and white ....
 
      what else?.   a nun falling down a flight of stairs.    (gulp)

Three valid definitions of Fiat:
  1. Fix It Again, Tony.
  2. Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
  3. Failure In Automotive Technology.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PREGNANT LADY AND A NUT?
ONE CAN'T GET UNSCREWED!
.
....   Hear aabout the guy who was half Italian and half Polish?
       Made himself an offer he couldnt understand...

-WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?  
QzE}'CAUSE HE FELT LIKE IT!

IF MAMA CASS AND KAREN CARPENTER HAD SHARED THE SANDWICH,
THEY'D BOTH BE ALIVE TODAY!

  A man came home from work one day and found his wife sliding down
the bannister.
  He said"what are you doing?"
  "Warming up your dinner,"she replied.

A young person who really hates blacks has to take a priest to a funeral
service.  While driving down a lane he spots a grooup of blacks standing
on the sidewalk.  Pretending to sneeze he swerves onto the sidewalk 
trying to hit them then swerves back onto the lane.
  Trying to act innocently the youth asks the priest, "Did I hit any?"
  Then the priest said, "No, but I got two of the muthas with the door!"

  Olie and Cristina (Olie's wife) decided to have their house painted,
so they called their good friend Sven, and asked if he would like the
job. Sven agreed, and came over later that afternoon to begin work.
  Sven began with the upstairs, and painted the master bedroom and part
of the sewing room before he quit for the day.
  Later that evening, Olie absentmindedly put his hand on the wet paint
on the bedroom wall. "Tina", said Olie, "when Sven comes back tommorrow
morning, be sure to show him what I have done so he can touch it up."
  The next morning, Olie goes to work, but Tina decided to sleep in 
late. Sven showed up to paint the rest of the house, and went to the 
sewing room. 
  Tina, upon hearing Sven in the other room, cried from bed, "Sven! 
Sven! Please come into the bedroom and I'll show you were Olie put
his hand last night!"
  Replied Sven, "No tanks, Tina. I yust come to paint."
 
I think you have to be part Swedish to really enjoy that one...

Q: Why does Poland have such a problem fielding a good hockey team?
A: Because so many players drown during spring training?


QUESTION: WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN BATHING BEAUTY? ANSWER:
15-15-15

It seems the young lady was having a problem identifying the 
apparatus she was going to have to deal with after she was 
married so she went to the family doctor for some advice.
"What do you call that thing that hangs down?",she asked.
"Thats a penis", the doctor replied. "Well what is the red thing
at the end?", she asked. "Thats called the head", he responded.
"O.K., then what do you call the two little balls about 22 
inches back from the head?",she enquired.  The doctor pondered
for a moment, stroked his chin and said, "Well... if they were
on me, they'd be called hemmoroids!!!"

NAACP = NEGROES ARE ACTUALLY COLORED POLACKS
 
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A MEXICAN AND A NEGRO?
- A THIEF THAT'S TO LAZY TO STEAL.
 
WHAT GOES: CRICK! CRICK! CRICK! ?
-A JAPANESE CAMERA.
---THE---END
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