Note:  The Truly Tasteless BBS has the pleasure of providing you with the
following humor.  Please direct any updates, comments, improvements, etc. to
TTT BBS at (415)-364-4339, or by mail at

1583 Cordilleras Road,
Redwood City, CA 94062

Thanks!

Richard Lane
Sysop


Did you hear the one about the all-expenses-paid vacation for losers?
- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
- Ted Kennedy's your chauffer on the island
- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
- You have drinks with William Holden.
- And Roman Polanski stays home and watches your kids.
**
Why does the new Polish navy use glass bottomed boats?
- So they can see the old Polish navy.
Did you know that 85% of all Japanese men have Cataracts?
- The rest drive Rincolns and Chevlorets.
What do you call a hooker with no legs?
- A nightcrawler.
 *
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
- You can unscrew a lightbulb
 *
What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
- You can't hear an enzyme.
 *
Have you heard of the new Oriental cook book?
- 101 Ways to Wok your dog.
 *
What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuisinart
- Rhesus Pieces.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW CHARITY CREATED BY MICHAEL JACKSON
AND RICHARD PRYOR?
--
--
THE IGNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND!!
-
-
What is the Ignited Negro College Fund's motto?
-
-
A mind is a terrible thing to baste.

We know now that Ichabod Creep
Makes sexual use of a sheep.
    He patronized whores
    In our local love stores,
Till he found out a sheep was so cheap!
***
A southern hillbilly named Hollis
Used possums and snakes as his solace.
     The children had scales
     And prehensile tails,
And voted for Governor Wallace.
***
"This plot," said old Farmer McGraw,
"I hold in great reverence and awe.
     For here on the grass
     I had my first piece of ass,
While her mother stood by and said 'Baa'."
****
What is the dirtest part of your body?
Your mind


A urologist claimed that he could diagnose any condition just by testing
a person's urine.  One man, who had tennis elbow, decided to fool the
doctor.  He made an appointment, received his specimen jar, and was told
to come back the next day.  That night he urinated in the bottle, then
his wife did, followed by his daughter, and then the family dog.  Then
he beat off in it.  He returned the next day with his sample and gave
it to the doctor for testing.  Four hours went by before the doctor came
out.  He was really sweating.  "you know," he said, "it took me a long
time, but I think I've got it at last.  Your wife has VD, your daughter
is pregnant, your dog has mange, and if you would quit beating off, you
wouldn't have tennis elbow."

Which reminds me of the question on last year's SAT--"Which of these 
words doesn't belong, and why?  Wife, meat, or blowjob?"
Obviously blowjob.  You can beat your wife, you can beat your meat, but
you can never ever beat a blowjob.


What is the difference between a job you've had for five years and a 
wife you've had for five years?
....
The job still sucks.


What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
.........Beer nuts are about a buck- thirty-nine and deer
.........nuts are under a buck.
What do you call a truckload of vibrators?


What is the difference between a Berkeley woman and a bowling
ball?................
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.


Actually, the real difference between a Berkeley woman and a bowling ball
is that if you absolutely have to, you can eat a bowling ball.


 
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PIG AND A DRUNK?
A PIG DOESN'T STAY OUT ALL NIGHT TRYING TO SCREW A DRUNK.


WHERE DOES VIRGIN WOOL COME FROM?
UGLY SHEEP.           

On an outing with seventeen Czechs
A girl tourist supplied the free sex.
     She returned from the jaunt
     Feeling more or less gaunt,
But the Czechs were all absolute wrecks!
****
Narcissus achieved his ambition:
He was taught by a mathematician
     To perform with great ease
     A Moebius strip tease
With an auto-erotic emission.
****
My friends, if from sex you'r refraining,
The vibrators and dildos are gaining.
     Though computers we master,
     The machines can fuck faster,
And we spend our whole lives in retraining.

A young university tutor
Fed his sex history to a computer.
     Due to RAM and DOS stalls,
     It reprogrammed his balls,
And he ended up totally neuter.
***
A young man who feared he was neuter
Fed his vital details to a computer.
     The machine in a flash,
     Printed out: "FORGET GASH...
YOU'LL BE FAG-OF-THE-YEAR AS A FRUITER."

How can a girl tell she's in bed with a computer gack?
It isn't hard.
 
Why do girls have trouble measuring things?
Because guys keeps telling them that this
--->                           <---
is six inches.
 
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
Why do elephants have trunks?  
Because sheep don't have strings
 
What do you call a guy w/no arms or legs spread on your lawn?
Pete.
 
How about a married couple w/no arms or legs on your barbecue?
Frank & Patty.
 
What about a guy w/no arms or legs from a rain forest climbed
on by children?  JUNGLE JIM


A black man was wandering on the beach when he encountered a lamp 
burning diesel oil.  Bemused, he rubbed it a few times, whereupon a 
genie emerged and offered him three wishes.  The black immediately 
replied, "I want to be White, Tight, and Outta sight!"  The genie says,
"Yes, master, your wish is my command.....SHAZZAMMMMM!"
And the black turns into a Tampax.
    
 Why are camels called "Ships of the Desert?"
...
Because they are full of Arab Seamen.
       
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who legs on the
front step?
.........MATT
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who floats around
in the ocean?
.......BOB

How come Mexican families never Bar-B-Que?
....because the beans keep slipping through the grill..

WHAT DO THE NUMBERS 12, 11, 9 REPRESENT?
THE MEASUREMENTS OF MISS ETHIOPIA.

WHAT IS THE WORLD'S FASTEST LAND ANIMAL?
AN ETHIOPIAN CHICKEN.

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WITH THREE DOGS?
A CATERER.

3 men have been stuck on a desert island for 5 years. One day
one of them stubs his toe on something, so he digs it up and its
a lamp. As he pulls it out of the sand, out comes a genie. "You
have freed me from the lamp," said the genie, "so I will grant
you three wishes." They decide that they will have one wish
apiece. The Italian says, "I wish to go back to sunny Italy,
where the food is wonderful, the wine flows, and the women are
beautiful..." <POOF!> he's gone. The Jew says, "I am so thankful
that I can get up this horrible island, I wish to go to Israel
where I can give my eternal thanks at the Western Wall..." and
<POOF!> he's gone too. Only the Pole (you saw this coming!)
remains. "And your wish, sir?" says the genie. "Gee, it's gotten
really lonely here. I wish I had my two friends back."


A doctor & a nurse had been fooling around, and the nurse got
pregnant. Being a good Catholic, abortion was out of the 
question, so she was upset. "Don't worry," said the doc, "some
body will have a kid the same day you do, and we'll just tell
her that she had twins, okay?" But the big day comes, and no one
comes into maternity that day, or the next, or the next, and 
meanwhile the kid is getting teeth & hair, so it's getting 
harder to pass him off as a newborn. The doctor has another 
idea. "This priest is coming in for a tumor removal. I'll tell
him I found the baby inside him." And that is what the doctor
told the priest. The priest was confused, but accepted the baby
and agreed to raise him as best he could. So he sends the kid
off to boarding school, takes him home for holidays, and 
finally, on the kid's 15th birthday, he decides to tell him why
he's taken care of him all these years. The kid, not exactly 
clueless says, "That's easy, you're my father, right?" "No, son,
I'm not your father, I'm your mother. The ARCHBISHOP is your 
father."


WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A JAP AND JELLO?
JELLO MOVES WHEN YOU EAT IT.
  
WHAT IS A JAP'S DEFINITION OF FOREPLAY?  
30 MINUTES OF BEGGING.
 
WHAT IS HER FAVORITE POSITION?
FACING BLOOMINGDALES.
 
WHY DOES SHE KEEP HER EYES CLOSED DURING THE ACT?
IT'S EASIER TO FANTASIZE THAT SHE IS SHOPPING.
 
WHAT DOES SHE DO WHEN SHE GETS REALLY EXCITED?
PUTS DOWN HER EMERY BOARD.
 
FINALLY, WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A JAP WITH AN APPLE 
COMPUTER?
  A SYSTEM THAT NEVER GOES DOWN.


A MAN UNDERGOES A SEX CHANGE AND SEES A GOOD FRIEND THE NEXT 
DAY.  THE FRIEND ASKS FIRST IF THERE WERE ANY PROBLEMS PUTTING
BREASTS ON HIM.  "NO PROBLEM, JUST FIXED ME RIGHT UP!"   THEN
THE FRIEND ASKED ABOUT THE NEW GENITALS.  "NO PROBLEM, JUST 
TURNED THINGS AROUND A BIT.  WORKS LIKE A CHARM!"  THE FRIEND
THEN ASKED IF THERE IN FACT HAD BEEN ANY PROBLEMS AT ALL.    
"OH, YEAH--IT WAS REALLY TOUGH WHEN THEY OPENED UP MY HEAD AND
TOOK OUT HALF MY BRAINS."


WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH NO ARMS, NO LEGS, AND AN 11 INCH
SEX ORGAN?
SLIGHTLY DISABLED.

HOW MANY ETHIOPIANS DOES IT TAKE TO FILL A PHONE BOOTH?
ALL OF THEM........

Q: WHAT'S THE FASTEST ANIMAL ON EARTH?
A:  A CHICKEN IN ETHIOPIA

What do Michael Jackson, Richard Pryor, and Major Houlihan all
have in common? They all have had major burns on their faces.

WHAT DOES GAY STAND FOR?
GOT AIDS YET?
(YOU ALL KNEW THAT, I'M SURE.  JUST ASK JERRY FALWELL.)
 
BUT, WHAT DOES AIDS STAND FOR???
ANALLY INSERTED DEATH SENTENCE......

EVEN BAD HEAD IS GOOD.
 
OF THE TWO THINGS THAT SMELL LIKE FISH, ONLY ONE IS FISH.
 
THE SAFEST TIME TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES IS SUNDAY AT 9AM BECAUSE
THE WHITE FOLKS ARE IN CHURCH, THE BLACK FOLKS ARE IN JAIL, AND
THE MEXICANS HAVEN'T GOTTEN THEIR CARS STARTED YET.
 
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A HAITIAN IN A 3-PIECE SUIT?  WILL THE 
DEFENDENT PLEASE RISE?

WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT A BLACK KID JUMPING ON THE BED?
PUT VELCRO ON THE CEILING.


'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS, AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE
NOT A PROGRAM WAS WORKING NOT EVEN A BROWSE.
THE PROGRAMMERS WERE WRUNG OUT TOO MINDLESS TO CARE,
KNOWING CHANCES OF CUTOVER HADN'T A PRAYER.
THE USERS WERE NESTLED ALL SNUG IN THEIR BEDS,
WHILE VISIONS OF INQUIRIES DANCED IN THEIR HEADS.
WHEN OUT IN THE LOBBY THERE AROSE SUCH A CLATTER,
I SPRUNG FROM MY TUBE TO SEE WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
AND WHAT TO MY WONDERING EYES SHOULD APPEAR,
BUT A SUPER PROGRAMMER, OBLIVIOUS TO FEAR.
MORE RAPID THAN EAGLES, HIS PROGRAMS THEY CAME,
AND HE WHISTLED AND SHOUTED AND CALLED THEM BY NAME:
ON UPDATE! ON ADD! ON INQUIRY! ON DELETE!
ON BATCH JOBS! ON CLOSING! ON FUNCTIONS COMPLETE!
HIS EYES WERE GLAZED OVER, HIS FINGERS WERE LEAN,
FROM WEEKENDS AND NIGHTS IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN.
A WINK OF HIS EYE, AND A TWIST OF HIS HEAD,
SOON GAVE ME TO KNOW I HAD NOTHING TO DREAD.

HE SPOKE NOT A WORD, BUT WENT STRAIGHT TO HIS WORK,
TURNING SPECS INTO CODE, THEN TURNED WITH A JERK,
AND LAYING HIS FINGER IN THE "ENTER" KEY,
THE SYSTEM CAME UP AND WORKED PERFECTLY.
THE UPDATES, UPDATED, THE DELETES, DELETED,
THE INQUIRES, INQUIRED, AND THE CLOSING COMPLETED.
HE TESTED EACH WHISTLE, AND TESTED EACH BELL,
WITH NARY A BEND AND ALL HAD GONE ES   WELL.
THE SYSTEM WAS FINISHED, THE TESTS WERE CONCLUDED.
THE CLIENT'S LAST CHANGES WERE EVEN CON  INCLUDED.
AND THE CLIENT EXCLAIMED WITH A SNARL AND A TAUNT,
"IT'S JUST WHAT I ASKED FOR, BUT IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT!"


OK. theres this cliff, if you junp off of it and say something
you will turn into it.  so, an italian runs up and says 'a bird'
and he flies away. next an american jumps off and says, 'an 
eagle'  Next, a jew comes running, trips and says 'oh shit'
(and nothing happens).

How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?
With a crowbar.
   
What do Berkeley coeds put behind their ears to attract men?
Their ankles.


What's another use for a Venetian Blind?
Ethiopian Bunk Beds.
 
AIDS stands for Another Infected Dick Sucker
or Anally Injected Death Sperm
 
St peter was processing admissions to heaven and asked each
entrant if he or she had been faithful during marriage. The
first guy said absolutely and was given a Mercedes Benz to drive
around in. The second said pretty much except for 1 week he ran
off with his secretary, so he got a Ford LTD. The last one said
are you kidding? I was a marketer and had 6 women in every city
I visited! So St Peter can't even give him a Volkswagon Bug...he
has to use a skateboard. So off he goes on the skateboard, and
he sees the guy with the Mercedes kicking his new car. What's
wrong with your car, doesn't it run? It runs fine, said the
faithful husband.  I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.


A new recruit had just joined the foreign legion and was 
concerned with the lack of female companionship in his new 
desert outpost.  So he inquired of a gzzled veteran about the
problem.  The veteran said,"That's no problem, whenever we get
hard up we just use that camel over there."  The recruit thought
this was disgusting, but after several months he could not stand
it anymore and so late one night he advanced on the beast.  The
next day he went to his friend a told him what a wonderful time
he had with the camel.  His buddy fell down laughing and said,"
We usually just take the camel and  ride into town."


WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WITH SESAME SEEDS ON HIS HEAD?
A QUARTER POUNDER.


There once was a lady named Veronica
seduced an innocent lad from santa monica,
while lying in bed,
appropriatly spread,
she said "you play it just like a harmonica.                  

Two drunks were sitting in an alley when they realized that 
together they had only $1.  Realizing that this was not enough
to get them both drinks one thought quickly and bought a hot 
dog.  He and his companion then went into a bar and ordered a
round of drinks.   Just before the bartender came around with the check
the bright drunk pulled out the hotdog, put it in his companion's
fly and simulated a lewd act.  The bartender yelled, "Fags!"  and
threw them out of the bar.  This worked so well they used the
system at four more bars and had a fine time.  In the morning
one turned to the other and said, "I'm thirsty, where's the hot
dog." The other replied, "Hell, we lost the hot dog after the
first bar."

THERE ONCE WAS A LADY WHO BEGAT
TRIPLETS NAMED TOM, TIM, AND TAT
IT WAS FUN IN THE BREEDING
BUT HELL IN THE FEEDING
'CAUSE THERE WAS NO TIT FOR TAT
****************************************************************
The three great lies of Western Civilization:

The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning.
I won't come in your mouth.

The three great lies of Polish civilization:

The Czech is in my mouth.
I won't come in the mail.

(That's all.)
****************************************************************
This guy goes into a doctor's office to get a checkup.  The doctor 
noticed that the man had a tapeworm up his behind.  So the doctor said
for him to come every morning for the next two weeks and he should 
bring a pretzel and a cookie.  So the man came the next morning and the
doctor said for him to pull down his pants.  To the man's horror, the
doctor put  the pretzel up his behind, followed by the cookie.  Confused
and scared the man came for the next two weeks, with the same results.
On the day before the last day of the two weeks, the doctor told him
to bring a pretzel and a sledgehammer, instead of a cookie.  The next
morning, the man came to the doctor as usual and the doctor did the 
thing with the pretzel.  A few minutes later the tapeworm came out of
the guy's behind and said, "Where the heck's my cookie?" and WHAM! 
that's the end of the tapeworm.

****************************************************************

What is the difference between an Italian mother-in-law and an
elephant?
..........about 2 pounds.

What do Ethiopians do with Venetian blinds?
---------Use them as bunk beds.

What does it say on the bottom of Coke bottles made in Redwood
City?
.............."Open other end"   (Sorry, SYSOP)

Why do elephants have trunks??? 
-----> Because sheep don't have strings........


Why don't young Arab boys become circumcised???
.------>So during a sand storm they have a place to put 
their bubblegum.

How do you get five Puerto Ricans in a paper cup???
.------> Tell them it floats.

What has 20,000 legs and an I.Q. of four???
.------> The Saint Patrick's Day Parade.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH GENTLEMAN WHO ACCIDENTALLY LOCKED
HIS KEYS IN HIS CAR?
IT TOOK HIM 3 HOURS TO GET HIS WIFE OUT OF THE CAR....

WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE WITH SYPHILLIS, GONORRHEA, AIDS AND HERPES??
AN INCURABLE ROMANTIC.

HOW DO YOU KEEP FROM GETTING AIDS?
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.

What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a
dog do with one leg raised?
.................shake hands.

What's 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1?
Bo Derek getting older.

What's 7,8,9,10?
....The woman next to you at the singles bar at 9,10,11,12 
o'clock.

What's grosser than gross?
...Finding a pubic hair in your Bloody Mary.

Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died,
there wasn't a coffin big enough to fit him?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.

What's red, green, blue, yellow, purple, and orange?  ......
.....an Italian dressed up.

What do you call an Italian who marries a black?
.....a social climber.

Why don't Italians have freckles?
.....They always slide off.

What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 180?
......Sicily.

How do you get the black kid down from the ceiling?
Tell some Mexican kids he's a pinata.

While joining the duchess at tea
She asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
So I said with some wit
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I felt it was one up for me.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
.............None, that's a hardware problem.

It seems there was this unemployed systems analyst who was 
getting desperate for money.  He figured that he could get a 
little by doing some odd jobs.  So he goes door to door asking
people if they need any jobs done.  At this one house, an Old
Man answers the door. The analyst asks him if he needs any odd
jobs done.  The old man says, yes, I need for the porch out 
front to be painted.  He told the analyst to go into the garage
and get the green paint, and paint the porch.  About an hour 
later, the analyst again knocked on the door and announced that
he was finished.  He said, "But, you made one mistake, that 
isn't a porch out front, that's a BMW."

Grandpa dead? Well, don't go the usual route of unsanitary
burials, messy cremations, or smelly interrment in the back
hallway. Join the electronic age and send Grandpa to his for-
(final) rest at UPLOAD ACRES. Simply digitize Grandpa, squeeze
him to save on the phone bill, and upload him right to
this BBS as GRANDPA.DED. Download him, if you like, for
family occasions; but don't waste valuable space on your hard
disk...send him back UPLOAD ACRES where you can always find
him. Take a moment to browse through the directory....maybe
you'll find the name of someone you haven't heard from a 
while! But take this as a warning....don't spend too much time
in UPLOAD ACRES...you might find a file with your name on it!

A Polish couple was walking down the street when the spotted a
black couple with their 2 kids. The woman turns to her husband
and says, "You know, we have seven kids of our own, but we've
never been able to have a black baby!"
The man says, "You're right! I'll go over and ask him how he
does it." So he goes over to the man and says, "Hello, mister.
Your kids sure are cute. I've been wondering, though, how do
you and your wife do it? My wife and I have seven kids and
we've never been able to have a black baby."
The black guy turns to his wife and says, "Watch me get rid of
this freak." He s^[ays to the Polack, "Well, how big is your 
organ? Is it about this big?" (Holding his hands five inches
apart.)
The Polack says, "No, it's about this big." (Holding his hands
half an inch apart.)
The black guy says, "Well, there's your problem! You're letting
in too much light!"

Who has killed more Indians than John Wayne?
----> Union Carbide <-------

What do you call an Ethiopian taking a dump?
....a show-off.

How do you tell an Ethiopian Jew from other Ethiopians?
....by the gold Rolex around his waist.

What do you call an Ethiopian in a dinner jacket?
....an optimist.

