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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Henry's again forwarding bits of his extensive humor collection
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Question : What is the difference between a terrorist
and a red head ?
 
Answer : At least you can reason with a terrorist.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
 Q   How do blonde braincells die ?
 A   Alone.
 
 Q   How do you know if a blonde writes mysteries?
 A   She has a check book.
 
 Q   How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
 A   She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.
 
 Q   How do you make a blonde person's eyes sparkle?
 A   You shine a flashlight in either ear.
 
 Q   How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof?
 A   Tell him "The drinks are on the house."
 
 Q   What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air?
 A   A woman collecting her thoughts.
 
 Q   Whats the difference between a Smart Blonde and a UFO?
 A   You know they are out there BUT, People have reported sighting UFO's
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
     Blonde enters a beauty contest and her promoter decide she needs
some preparation before the competition. She is taken to a stadium along
with 50,000 other blondes (for moral support). She is doing fine in her
training till it comes down to the skill testing question. What is
5+5+5...... she thinks for a moment and answers ....15.  From the 50,000
blondes a cry arises "give her another chance"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
There was a young recrute, who had his intake interview for the army:
Q "What rank would you want to have soldier?"
A "I like to be a general Sir."
Q "What! Are you out of your mind?"
A "No Sir, do I have to?"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Alliance, n.:
        In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
        their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
        cannot separately plunder a third.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
 
I think this holds true for most of the new marketing alliances, too.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Subject: Archaeology
 
It may not have much of a future
But it has one hell of a past.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From: Darryl Hahn
 
The fun thing about them "Escape to Wisconsin" bumper stickers is
while living in Wisconsin I use to see many cars that had cut out
the "to" to make it say "Escape Wisconsin"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From: rcr@Logix.DE (Rainer Ruppert)
 
last week I was in London, went into a phone shop to buy a little
dialer, what then happend was so funny... I swear it happend:
 
An older woman was waiting for the clerk, when he arrived she put a plastic
bag on the desk, picked out a telephone-it looked quite new- and said:
 
	"I got abscene phone calls"
	"You got what ?", the clerk responds
	"I got obscene phone calls, I don't wanna have that phone"
	the clerk could not believe what he heared and asked carefully again
	"You got obscene phone calls with that phone ?"
	"Yes, please give me annother" ...
 
	the guy turned around, faces my and asked
	"Sir, can I help you quick, this one takes a little bit longer",
 
Badly I had to buy me dialer and had to left the shop, don't know how the
story ends.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From: Rodney H Davis
 
	According to my latest copy of "Audubon Endangered Species Newsletter",
ecologists and scientists both agree that the fiscally responsible politicians
died out about 40 years ago.  A few scientists are still searching in remote
outhern Swamps, hoping to find a survivor.  But most agree that the species
is EXTINCT.
	They believe the fiscally responsible politicians succumb to intense
competition for habitat, with the introduction of the spend happy-buy more
votes politicians.  Experts state that this extinction could have been
prevented, with the help of voters demanding a balance budget (except in the
case of a National Emergency).
	In New York, we have a sub species to the fiscally responsible
politician.  The scientific name of this sub species is the fiscally
irresponsible politician.  Locally, we call it Cuomo.  Unlike it's cousin,
this sub species can not balance a budget (even after increasing our taxes
5 billion dollars in 1991, with a 5' per gallon tax hike), can not meet
budget deadlines (demolishing local government and school board budget
processes), has spending habits of Tammy Fae Baker (let's increase Welfare
15% this year and rebuild every bridge in N.Y. and ...), but it does look
pretty.  If you are unfamiliar with this species habits, it bascially mimics
the borrowing habits of the Federal government.  Except that the money wasn't
spent on defense.  I wonder, what was it spent on?
	Oh well, if anyone does see a fiscally responsible politican, please
do not call me!  Cause, I don't believe in Unicorns or the Easter Bunny.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From: rivero@dev8i.mdcbbs.com (Michael)
 
Years ago, in the heyday of the Viking landigs, we recieved a letter
of this type from a student who told us he was writing a report on
"The Mountains and Valleys of Mars". His questions to us were phrased in
such a manner as to leave no doubt that he wanted the report written FOR him.
 
Our reply went something like....
 
Dear Student
 
  Thank you for your recent letter. Best of luck on your upcoming report,
"The Mountains and Valleys of Mars". You are correct, our position gives us
a unique look at the subject, and it is with great pleasure and deep humility
that we tell you that Mars does indeed have mountains and valleys.
 
Yours truly,  Viking flight team.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From:	gna@ipk.msk.su (Gavrilova Natalya A.)
 
******************
     Two men  went  to  mountains for a walk.  Suddenly one of
them fell to the gulf. His friend cried:
     - How are you? Are you alive?
     - Yes, - was the answer.
     - How is your head?
     - O.K.!
     - How are your legs?
     - O.K.!
     - And what about  your hands?
     - Everything is O.K.!
     - Oh,  if everything is O.K.,  why don,t you climb out of
the gulf?
     - I can't. I don't reach the bottom yet!
 
******************
 
     Chicago. Midnight.  Narrow, dark street.Two men meet. One
asks another:
     - Excuse me please, have you seen police somewhere here?
     - No, I haven't.
     - O'key. In such case give me all your money.
 
******************
 
     Moscow. Two  friends (by the way, both in military boots)
walked along the streets. Suddenly one of them disappeared. Another
one cried : " Hey! Where  are you? ".
     - I am here, on the next street.
     - What are you doing there?
     - I caught the Polar bear!
     - Oh, that's fine! Take it here, to me.
     - With great pleasure,  but I can't - bear holds me fast
and doesn't let me go!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From: gornish@csrd.uiuc.edu (Edward H. Gornish)
 
Subject: Gorby's Yellow Ribbon
(Sung to the obvious tune.)
 
I'm coming home I've done my time.
And I've got to know what's Yeltsin's and what is mine.
Now if you've received the message telling you I'd soon be free,
Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me.
If you still want me.
 
Oh tie a yellow ribbon around the Kremlin tower.
It's been three long days that I've been out of power.
If I don't see a ribbon around that old Kremlin tower,
I'll stay in Crimea,
Ain't never gonna see ya',
Cause Yeltsin's the man of the hour.
If I don't see a yellow ribbon around that old Kremlin tower.
 
Aeroflot pilot please look for me,
Cause I couldn't dare to see what I might see.
Now I'm really still in trouble, and it's like there's still a coup,
A simple yellow ribbon will cure me from the flu.
Cure me from the flu.
 
(CHORUS)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Date: Sat, 09 Nov 91 22:10:38 -0500
From: "David A. Curry" <davy@ecn.purdue.edu>
Subject: World Wide Product Announcement
To: bob
 
                         World Wide Product Announcement
 
  LAFAYETTE, IN -- November 9, 1991 -- After nine months of intense
development, Curry & Curry are proud to announce the newest model in their
product line, the Sean Mason.
 
FEATURES
 
  The Sean Mason represents the current state of the art, including such
advanced features as a neural-network-based central processing unit (CPU),
short- and long-term on-line data storage (memory), and a self-learning,
self-teaching operating system with automatic heuristic development, error
detection, and error correction.
 
  The Sean Mason also comes equipped with a variety of peripherals including
two five-digit manipulators which can also function as small arithmetic
processing units (APUs); an input port that will accept data in liquid
formats (solid formats are under development); two output ports for liquid
and solid data formats; one variable-volume, variable-pitch audio output
device; two audio input devices with 20-20,000 Hz frequency response; two
video input devices which may be used independently or combined for stereo
vision tasks; and self-propulsion.
 
  The initial operating system shipped with the Sean Mason is primitive, and
will require a good deal of instruction from the end user.  Fortunately,
most end users find this instruction process very self-rewarding.  As the
neural network becomes more adept at simple tasks, the operating system
rapidly becomes capable of self-modification, resulting in a greatly
increased rate of development.  During this time, the operating system will
devise and conduct numerous experiments, some of which may be hazardous or
otherwise undesirable.  When the unit enters this mode, the TIMEOUT and SPANK
debuggers may prove useful for correcting the problem.
 
DIAGNOSTICS
 
  CRY, an audible alarm indication, is triggered upon input queue underflow
or output queue overflow.  As the operating system accumlates more data, it
eventually develops automatic input and output queue length regulation.
SMILE, a visible alarm indication, is triggered upon underflow or overflow
rectification, and also as a general sign of the unit's proper functioning.
BURP, another audible alarm, indicates successful processing of available
input.
 
OPERATIONAL NOTES
 
  When the video input peripherals are covered, this indicates that the unit
is in its idle loop, used for automatic recharging.  Initial recharging
periods are short and irregular, but gradually they become regular, lasting
for approximately 8 of every 24 hours.  Termination of recharging mode may
raise the CRY alarm condition.
 
  After inital unpacking, the unit will require input every two to three hours.
After input processing has been completed, one or both output devices may be
activated.  Presence of output may be signalled by the CRY alarm condition.
 
CAUTION
 
  The appearance of the unit, which reflects the current state of the art in
exterior packaging, may cause irrational behavior in adults.  This behavior
is typified by "oohs", "aahs", and incomprehensible utterances commonly
referred to as "baby talk".
 
SPECIFICATIONS
 
	Length:		19.5 inches
	Weight:		8 lbs 1 oz
 
AVAILABILITY
 
  The prototype Sean Mason unit began functioning at 1:22pm EST today.
 
STATUS
 
  The production staff, although tired, are well and happy.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From: Sarah M. Elkins
 
Trek Episodes We'd Like to See:
 
"Rest In Pieces"
The Enterprise gets into a trap and tries to bluff its way out by the old
 countdown to destruction method.  The whatever streaks away in an effort to
 avoid the blast, however when Riker starts to consent to cancel the countdown,
 saying "Yes, absolutely, wholeheartedly I concur" he has a coughing fit and Bev
 doesn't have any cough drops on her.
 
"In a Pig's Eye"
A StarFleet admiral/beauracrat who's involved with the Enterprise in a mission
 proves to have total integrity and reasonable intelligence, and solves the
 problem without any assistance from the Enterprise.
 
"Life is But a Dream"
Wesley returns to the ship and almost blows everyone else up with some
 experiment.  In the middle of Picard being kinder and gentler with Wes, Kirk
 wakes up sweating and tells Spock and Bones the next day about his awful
 recurring nightmare.
 
"Fudge Factor Begone!"
Kirk/Picard asks Scotty/Geordi for a time-of-repair estimate and gets the right
 answer the first time without having to say "That's not good enough mister!"
or alternately,
Kirk/Picard demands that Scotty/Geordi cut the time-of-repair estimate from 2
 days to 2 hours, and Scotty/Geordi indignantly denies that the repairs can be
 made any faster, ending with "Fix it yourself!", and storms off to drink/party
 nekkid in the Holodeck.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From:	djor!rubin@apple.com (Owen Rubin)
 
The new 1991 1040VEZ cngressional TAX form (VEZ = Very Eazy)
 
 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------
|                                                                          |
|     U.S Income Tax Calculation and Remittance Form       Taxation Year   |
|     (Simplified)   Form #1990VEZ                              1991       |
|                                                                          |
|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|
|                                                       |                  |
|                                                       |                  |
|Line 1: How much money did you make last year?         |   $_______.___   |
|                                                       |                  |
|                                                       |                  |
|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|
|                                                       |                  |
|                                                       |                  |
|Line 2: 10% of Line 1                                  |   $_______.___   |
|                                                       |                  |
|                                                       |                  |
|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|
|                                                       |                  |
|                                                       |                  |
|Line 3:  Add Line 1 and Line 2 together                |   $_______.___   |
|                                                       |                  |
|                                                       |                  |
|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|
|                                                       |                  |
|                                                       |                  |
|Line 4:  Send in amount on Line 3                      |   $_______.___   |
|                                                       |                  |
|                                                       |                  |
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------
