From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 21-NOV-1990 15:05:41.66
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Subj:	Henry Cate III (you have been warned :-)

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Henry Cate III (you have been warned :-)
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If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
 
Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
 
Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become
what they are capable of being.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A man asked for a seat on the next flight to the moon.  "I'm sorry
sir," said the ticket agent, "but all passenger flights have been
canceled for the next few days."
"How's that?" inquired the man.
"Well," answered the agent, "the moon is full right now."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Father: "My boy, I never kissed a girl until I met your mother.
Will you be able to say the same to your son?"
Son: "Yes, Dad.  But not with such a straight face."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
A professor returned to class with the examination papers and
requested that all the students sit down.  "If you stood up, it is
conceivable that you might form a circle, in which case I might be
arrested for maintaining a dope ring."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Dean: "I hate to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but your son is a moron."
Jones: "What?!  Where is that young good-for-nothing?  I'll teach
him not to join a fraternity without consulting me!"
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
"Nothing is impossible," the professor declared with finality.
"Nothing that the mind of man can conceive is impossible."
"Professor," asked a small voice, "did you ever try to strike a
match on a marshmallow?"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Two West Germans were arrested near Holland trying to smuggle LSD-treated
stickers with pictures of Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev.  Other
attempts have used pictures of Batman, Goofy and E.T.
I think that choice of Goofy are especially apropos.
 
Question to "Ask Don Garlits":
Q - I'd like some advice on a 1979 Chevy Monza with a 1978 Buick V-6.
The engine has 106,000 miles, leaks, burns oil, suffers from vapor
lock and has trouble accelerating.  How much money should I put into it...
My A - Enough to tow it to the junk yard.
 
A fat man in Selma, Ala., got a plastic bag containing 45 rocks of crack
cocaine through a strip-search by hiding it "between folds of his
abdominal skin."
So now we have an answer to that age-old question of how do you know
when you are too fat.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
          Announcement from P.A. system at Texas Stadium.
   " Will the parents who lost your eleven kids here at the
     stadium please come get them ?" "They are leading the
     Cowboys 14-0."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A wise man once said that having children is hereditary...Which is tantamount
to saying:  If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(The PBS "American Masters" series did a show on Mort Sahl, who had
these anecdotes about Alexander Haig:)
 
Haig offerred Sahl a Cuban cigar, whereupon Sahl wondered how an
anti-communist such as Haig could be supporting Cuba by smoking their
cigars.  Haig replied that he preferred to think of it as burning their
crops to the ground.
 
Sahl and Haig were discussing Henry Kissinger.  Sahl mentioned that, of
course, Kissinger could not be the US President since he was not born
in the US.  Haig said, no, that's a common misconception, Kissinger was
born in the US.  "How did he get that accent?" asked Sahl.  Haig
replied, "From never listening to anybody."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Ran across this in rec.music.classical ...
 
 More recently, John Cage has written pieces for "prepared piano", which may
involve attaching nuts, bolts, and other hardware to the strings, and other
indignities.  I heard a story (possibly apocryphal) that a horrified janitor
once "cleaned up" one of his prepared pianos just before a concert.  Cage came
out, played one chord, screamed, and left the stage.  Of course, this was
indistinguishable from an actual Cage performance, so everyone clapped, and
the reviewers wrote gushy praise about the groundbreaking new work....
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
CRITICS OF THE FBI'S "LIBRARY AWARENESS PROGRAM" WERE TARGETS
of background checks, according to FBI documents just released
under a court order.  WHAT'S NEW first reported attempts by the
FBI to recruit science librarians as snitches three years ago (WN
5 Sep 86).  Librarians were asked to report on the reading habits
of "foreigners" and people who "behave strangely." (A Brookhaven
librarian complains that all physicists behave strangely.)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One of my professors swears to this (probably apocryphal) story.
He asked that question once during an oral exam of a physics grad
student.  The student thought for a few moments, then went to the
chalkboard and started writing equations.  The very first one
was... E=mc^2 !
 
The professor ragged him unmercifully for assuming a
nuclear-powered duck...
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(From Jay Leno on the Tonight Show:)
 
"Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs will be bigger than World
 War II.
 
 Oh, *great*... more Time-Life books."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
>From Daniel J. Boorstin's _The_Discoverers_:
 
    A pioneer explorer of this question was the unhappy Italian
    philosopher Giambattista Vico (1668-1744).  The son of a
    poor bookseller, he had a nearly fatal fall on his head at
    the age of seven, when doctors predicted that he might
    become an imbecile.
 
I've always wondered what causes philosophers.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    You have reached the residence of <name>.
    [Cut to recording of Handel's Messiah.]
    Alleluia!  Alleluia!  Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!
    [Cut to original voice.]
    Please leave your name and number at the tone.
 
    Hello?...Hello?...HELLO?!...<tap, tap, tap>...
    Hey, can you hear me?  Listen, this is a lousy
    connection.  Could you just leave your name and number
    and I'll get back to you?
 
    Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry,
    I must have dialed the wrong number.
 
Here's a couple of mine--
 
    <beep, beep, beep>
    The number you have reached,
    Seven.  Six.  Seven.  One.  Two.  Three.  Four.
    [Use your number here.]
    has not been disconnected and is still in service.
    Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
 
    <dum, da-dum, dum.  dum, da-dum, dum, dum.>
    [Theme song from Dragnet]
    Case 415-767-1234 [Use your number here.] began with a
    routine phone call.
    <dum, da-dum, dum.>
    Unfortunately for the caller, the intended recipient was
    unable to take the call.
    <dum, da-dum, dum, dum.>
    That's where I come in.  My name is Friday.  I'm a cop.
    <dum, da-dum, dum.  dum, da-dum, dum, dum.>
    I began with a routine interrogation.  You know, name,
    number, reason for calling.  The answer surprised me.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
     The following is from an apartment of three women:
 
With great sorrow and much lamentations
We've abondon our dear habitation
At the sound of the tone
Leave your name and home phone
And additional worthwhile information
 
It certainly would help if we knew
Your earning potential for two
Are you fun loving and crazy
Do you look like Pat Swatzy
We'll get back to you if you do
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The bachelor who complained that the women he selected  would not remain
his friend for more than a few weeks was told:
"Your problem is that you are looking for a particular kind of woman.
You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is not particular."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.
 
 
How does the single man get rid of roaches?
He looks for the perfect one.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
ELEMENT: MAN
 
ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170, known to vary from 98 to 360
 
SYMBOL: EGO
 
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs
 
OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated
       deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars".
       Exteremly low quantities can be found in any location where
       cleaning up is required.(See scut work. See also Women and
       Slave Labor)
 
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
 
1-) Surface often covered with hair-bristly in some areas, soft in others
 
2-) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense
 
3-) melts if treated like a God
 
4-) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution
 
5-) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive
    to exteremly thick
 
6-) When pressure is applied becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when
    subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
 
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
 
1-) Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals
    and stones(See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities
    of these when viewd worn against the skin of a woman. It is beleived
    woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to creat a highly magnetic
    attraction for this element
 
2-) May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened
 
3-) Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance,
    and stroking
 
4-) When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other
    elements
 
5-) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers
 
6-) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of
    the malodorous variety
 
7-) Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6
 
8-) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness
 
9-) Is impervious to embrassment
 
10-) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman
 
USES:
 
1-) Can be used to assist in moving heavy objects and other heavy labor
 
2-) Is capable of causing vast amounts of physical pleasure
 
3-) Can be pleasing to the touch and other senses
 
4-) Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances
 
5-) can be used in recreational activities
 
CAUTIONS:
 
1-) Extremely hazordous to the environment when allowed to function unchecked
 
2-) Can cause temporary insanity if a low-grade specimen is chosen. Use care
    when selecting specimen
 
3-) Highly dangerous if not handled with extreme caution. Can cause a condition
    known as maternity
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
                         "GOT A HOT ROD FORD AND A TWO DOLLAR BILL"
 
     Today we're going to explore the mysterious topic of How Guys Think,
which has baffled women in general, and the editors of Cosmopolitan magazine
in particular for thousands of years.
     The big question, of course, is:  How come guys never call?  After
successful dates, I mean.  You single women out there know what I'm talking
about.  You go out with a guy and you have a great time, and he seems to
have a great time, and at the end of the evening he says, quote, "Can I call
you?"  And you--interpreting this to mean "Can I call you?"--answer:  "Sure!"
     The instant you say this, the guy's body starts to dematerialize.
Within a few seconds, you can stick a tire iron right through him and wave
it around; in a few more seconds he has vanished entirely, gone into the
mysterious Guy Bermuda Triangle, where whole squadrons of your dates have
disappeared over the years, never to be heard from again.
     Eventually you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you,
some kind of emotional hangup or personality defect that your dates are
detecting.  You start having long, searching discussions with your women
friends in which you say things like:  "He really seemed to like me" and
"I didn't feel as though I was putting pressure on him."  This is silly.
There's nothing wrong with you.  In fact, you should interpret the behavior
of your dates as a kind of guy COMPLIMENT to you.  Because when the guy asks
you if he can call you, what he's really asking you, in Guy Code, is will
you marry him.  Yes.  See, your basic guy is into a straight-ahead, bottom-line
kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely
subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with calculating how
much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway.  So here's what the guy is
thinking:  If he calls you, you'll go out again, and you'll probably have
another great time, so you'll probably go out again and have ANOTHER great
time, and so on until the only possible OPTION will be to get married.
This is classic Guy Logic.
     So when you say "Sure!" in a bright and cheery voice, YOU may think
you're simply indicating a willingness to go out again, but as far as HE'S
concerned you're endorsing a lifetime commitment that he is quite frankly
not ready to make after only one date, so he naturally decides he can never
see you again.  From that day forward, if he spots you on the street, he'll
sprint in the opposite direction to avoid the grave risk that the two of you
might meet, which would mean he'd have to ask you if you wanted to get a cup
of coffee, and you might say yes, and pretty soon you'd be enjoying each
other's company again, and suddenly a clergyman would appear at your table
and YOU'D HAVE TO GET MARRIED....................AIEEEEEEE.
     (You women think this is crazy, right?  Whereas you guys out there
are nodding your heads.)
     So my advice for single women is that if you're on a date with a guy
you like, and he asks whether he can call you, you should give him a
nonthreatening answer, such as:
     "no."
     Or:
     "I guess so, but bear in mind that I'm a nun."
     This will make him comfortable about seeing you again, each time gaining
the courage to approach you more closely, in the manner of a timid, easily
startled woodland creature such as a chipmunk.  In a few years, if the two of
you really do have common interests and compatible personalities, you may
reach the point where he'll be willing to take the Big Step, namely, eating
granola directly from your hand.
     No matter how close you become, however, remember this rule:  Do not
pressure the guy to share his most sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings
with you.  Guys hate this, and I'll tell you why:  If you were to probe
inside the guy psyche, beneath that macho exterior and the endless droning
about things like the 1978 World Series, you would find, deep down inside,
a passionate, heartfelt interest in:  the 1978 World Series.  Yes.  The
truth is, guys don't HAVE any sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings.
It's time you women knew!  All these years you've been agonizing about how
to make the relationship work, wondering how come he never talks to you,
worrying about all the anguished emotion he must have bottled up inside,
and meanwhile he's fretting about how maybe he needs longer golf spikes.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this.  Maybe you SHOULD become a nun.
     Anyway, I hope I've cleared up any lingering questions anybody might
have regarding guys, as a gender.  For some reason I feel compelled to end
this with a personal note:  Heather Campbell, if you're out there, I just
want to say that I had a really nice time taking you to the Junior Prom in
1964, and I was a total jerk for never, not once, mentioning this fact
to you personally.
 
