From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 23-JAN-1991 19:23:36.18
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Subj:	Henry Cate III still catching up with the Holiday backlog :-)

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Henry Cate III still catching up with the Holiday backlog :-)
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Why is it you never see the headline...
   "PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A man in a restaurant ordered a cup of coffee.
"With or without cream, sir?", asked the waiter.
"Without cream, please."
The waiter returned from the kitchen, empty handed.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we have no cream.
Will you take it without milk?"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From Dave Barry's 1989 In Review
April 21:  The U.S. Surgeon General warns that if you make a really ugly face,
it could get stuck that way.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
         The original Star Trek crew is getting a little old.
	 Capt. Kirk just flew the Enterprise 2 million light
	 years with the left turn signal on.
						 Jay Leno
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	 "When I look at my children, I often wish I had remained
	 a virgin."
						Lillian Carter
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
       "I told the truth Lord! How can I learn any moral lesson if
	  you keep confusing me like this."
						Mouse
				              "Ladyhawke"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a
dachshund?
 
	Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
While filming a chase scene in a movie, the robbers were using a hearse
for their get-a-way car, they went around a corner and the back door
flew open and the casket slid out the back.  The director yells,
"Cut!  You'd better go back and rehease that!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Fireman to homeowner:    At one point we
 decided to fight fire with fire...
 basically your house burned even faster.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
How Can You Tell if Your Car is a Lemon?
 
Your car might be a lemon if:
 
1. You can't get your glove compartment closed because of all the repair
receipts.
2. The guys at the garage recognize your voice on the telephone.
3. It has broken down more than once on the way back from the shop.
4. You can tell when they've rearranged the furniture in the shop's
         customer lounge.
5. You leave your keys in the car in the hopes that someone will steal it.
6. Someone tried to steal it, only it wouldn't start.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A employer was asked to write a recommendation for a worker who was leaving
and was not known for putting out a great deal of effort while on the job.
Since the employer did not want to lie and make this person better than
he was, he thought a while before writing anything.  Finally, he found
just the right words:  "You would indeed be fortunate to get this person
to work for you."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Hear about the new breed in pet shops?.....
 
They crossed a pit bull with a collie.....
 
It bites your leg off and goes for help.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	I was in a store yesterday that had a lamp on sale for $13.98,
regularly priced at $8.99. I asked if one could purchase it for the regular
price, not the sale price.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(From "News of the Weird", in the 21 January San Jose News)
 
Animalens Inc. of Wellesley, Mass., markets red contact lenses for chickens (at
20 cents a pair), pointing to medical studies showing that chickens seeing red
during the day are happier and eat less food.  A spokesman said the lenses will
improve world egg-laying productivity by $600 million a year.
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug
that, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent.
 
The FDA refused to licence it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Sandy and Ian were out for the usual round of golf one day. "Tell you what,
Ian. Let's make this game worth our time. I'll bet you a shilling that I
score lower than you do this round." (Scotsmen, you see) "Sounds good, Sandy."
And they were off. They matched scores for the first eight holes, and things
were looking good when they teed off on the ninth. After their first drives,
they trooped off for the next stroke. Problem was, Sandy could not find  his
ball. He looked all over, but to no avail. "Ian, help me look for my ball!"
"I'll look around from here, Sandy. Don't forget--a lost ball counts as four
strokes!"
  Sandy looked around some more, but couldn't find his ball. Finally, out of
desperation, he snuck a new ball out of his pocket, and dropped it when Ian
was not looking. "Ian, I've found me ball!"
  Ian exploded: "You cheater! How dare you! I never thought that any man I
played a friendly round with would stoop to cheating for even a shilling!"
  Sandy said "What do you mean 'cheater'?  I found my ball, I'll play it
where it lies!"
  Ian said "That's not your ball! I've been standing on your ball for five
minutes!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Remember such great counter-bumper-stickers as:
 
"When in-laws are outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws"
 
(in response to: "When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.")
 
and
 
"Play an accordion ... go to prison.  That's the law!"
 
(in response to: "Use a gun ... go to prison.  That's the law!")
 
Well ... accordion players have now struck back!
 
Twenty-five accordion players, lobbying to have the accordion declared
San Francisco's "official musical instrument," all played "Lady of Spain"
VERY LOUDLY on the steps of City Hall yesterday.
 
They wanted to perform inside the building, but officials feared 25 accordions
playing in unison would further damage the building, already damaged by the
recent earthquake.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed.  Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days."  Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.  The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation.  Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C).  The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone."  A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C.  We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
		-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
[Condensed from San Diego Union, p. D-1, 15-Jan-90]
 
It takes just seven ordinary, imperfect shuffles to mix a deck of cards
thoroughly, researchers have found.  Fewer are not enough, and more do
not significantly improve the mixing.
 
The mathematical proof, discovered after studies of results from elaborate
computer calculations and careful observation of card games, confirms the
intuition of many gamblers, bridge enthusiasts, and casual players that
most shuffling is inadequate.
 
The usual shuffling done by people produces a card order that is "far from
random," Diaconis, the author of the discovery, said.  "Most people shuffle
cards three or four times.  Five is considered excessive."
 
The realization that most shuffled decks are not actually random allows
gamblers to improve their odds of winning.  "There are people who go to
casinos and make money on this," Diaconis said.  "I know people who are out
there doing that now."  Diaconis said he almost never sees a dealer shuffle
seven times.
 
Bridge players usually shuffle about four times, except in some tournaments
where a computer randomly mixes the cards, said Edgar Kaplan, who is editor
and publisher of Bridge World magazine.
 
By saying that the deck is completely mixed after seven shuffles, Diaconis
and Bayer mean that every arrangement of the 52 cards is equally likely, or
that any card is as likely to be in one place as in another.
 
The cards do get more and more randomly mixed if a person keeps on shuffling
more than seven times, but seven shuffles is a transition point, the first
time that randomness is close.  Additional shuffles do not appreciably
alter things.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Ever wonder whether anybody could be so dumb as to require
instructions telling them how to play with a Slinky (a
children's toy consisting of a large flexible spring)?
Well, in case you were wondering HERE are the instructions
that come with one:
 
 
TO PLAY WITH SLINKY IN HANDS
Hold end coils of Slinky with both hands. Now raise and
lower each hand in a rhythmic motion.
 
TO BOUNCE SLINKY UP AND DOWN
Hold a few coils lightly in one hand, allowing rest of
Slinky to hang down. Now in a bouncing motion, move
hand slowly up and down.
 
TO WALK SLINKY DOWN INCLINE OR SLOPE
Any board or table top with a non-slip surface will do.
Slope surface so rise equals about 1 foot for every 4
foot length. Place Slinky at top, flip and watch Slinky
start down, end over end.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I heard a good procedure for determining whether a piece of software is
"user friendly" or not.
 
Ask yourself this question:  "If this were a person, how long would it take
before I punched it in the mouth?"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
You've heard the terms Black Box and White Box testing.  Here's a few of the
less-known test methods.
 
Black Box	The tester has no clue as to what's going on inside.  Often
		used by large corporations for software verification.  More
		often NOT used by large corporations for software verification.
 
White Box	The tester knows the internals, but doesn't manipulate them
		directly.  This is handy because the tester can avoid messy
		problems or functions that are likely to cause trouble.
		This is also know as "doing a demo"
 
Open Box	The tester directly manipulates the internals.  This is handy
		because it allows the tester to test particular bits of code
		when other, important bits aren't even written yet.  This is
		also knows as "rigging a demo"
 
Toy Box		The tester plays with the product.  Often in ways in which
		the product was never intended to be used.  The people at
		Underwriters Laboratories are experts at this.  So is your
		three year old nephew.  This kind of testing leads to
		lengthly disclaimers and warranties.
 
Jack-in-the-Box	The tester cranks on the product until something surprising
		happens.  If nothing surprising happens, it gets marketed.
		If something surprising happens, it gets marketed as "new"
		and "improved" and the version number goes up by 0.0.1
 
Shoe Box	The tester places the product in a dark closet or cupboard and
		forgets about it.  Eventually, someone discovers that
		micro organisms have performed some astoundingly intense
		testing of their own.  This provides the key "cleaning
		instructions" section of the manual.  (If the product is
		software, this testing consists of putting the code under
		source management control, the software equivalent of a
		dark closet.  The only difference is the no one will ever
		see it again.)
 
Gray Box	Marketing paints the product to gain a larger market share/
		improve its ergonomics.  This is especially interesting with
		magnetic media.  This is also known as "platinum box" testing.
 
Cardboard Box	A rather trivial test of the packaging materials.  You can
		tell if this step was neglected when your floppy disk arrives
		in a 3' shipping carton, packed in styrofoam peanuts.
 
Strong Box	Tests the physical integrity of the product.  Often for
		military contracts, though HP does it just for the heck of it.
		3 1/2 floppies were Strong Box tested, 5 1/4 floppies weren't.
		This test is near-impossible to perform with software,
		nevertheless, it is required for government contracts.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The cardboard box text reminds me of an article in Byte not long ago where
they tested different types of bubble wrap by dropping monitors on it.
The results were determined not by whether the monitor broke, but if the
bubbles broke.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Computer Program Virtually Eliminates Machine Errors
 
 
    Spokesmen for a local electronic firm have announced a computer
    program that through fresh application of an old technique -
    virtually eliminates lost time due to malfunction of computer
    components.  Called OREMA (from latin "oremus", meaning "let us
    pray"), the program offers prayers at selected time intervals for
    the continued integrity of memory units, tape transports, and other
    elements subject to depravity.
 
    Basically liturgical in structure, OREMA uses standard petitions and
    intercessions stored on magnetic tapes in Latin, Hebrew, and
    FORTRAN.  It holds regular maintenance services thrice daily on an
    automatic cycle, and operator intervention is required only for
    mounting tapes and making responses, such as "Amen", or "And With
    Thy Spirit", on the console typewriter.
 
    Prayers in Hebrew and FORTRAN are offered directly to the CPU, but
    Latin prayers may go to peripheral equipment for transfer to the CPU
    by internal subroutines.
 
    Although manufacturer supplied prayer reels cover all machine troubles
    known today, the program will add punch card prayers to any tape, as
    needed, after the final existing AMEN block.  Classified prayer
    reels are available for government installations.
 
    In trials on selected machines, OREMA reduced by 98.2 percent the
    average down time due to component failure.  The manufacturer's
    spokesman emphasized, however, that OREMA presently defends only
    against malfunction of hardware.  Requestor errors and other human
    blunders will continue unchecked until completion of a later
    version to be called SIN-OREMA.
 
    Reprinted from Data Link, March 1966, which reprinted from the
    source, W.S. Minkler, Jr., the Pittsburgh section of the
    American Nuclear Society, Jan. 1965.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
DO, A LOOP   <sung to the tune of Doe, a deer>
 
----------------------------------------------
 
DO, a loop, a normal loop,
Array, a 2-D storage space,
Me, recursion, I call myself,
Bar, a variable to chase.
 
No, a value meaning not,
Yes, a term to follow No,
C, a lang where >> will rot,
 
That will bring us back to DO, Array, Me, Bar, No, Yes, C, DO, a loop, a......
 
Created by Jesse Mundis 11-14-89
 
