From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 18-JAN-1991 13:19:15.74
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Subj:	January humor thaw fro Henry Cate III

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Date: Fri, 18 Jan 91 07:46:50 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: January humor thaw fro Henry Cate III
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Steven Wright:
 
"I was walking down the street the other day, when all of a sudden the
prescription on my eyeglasses ran out!"
 
Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio
every time I park?
 
I just got out of the hospital.  I was speed reading,
and I hit a book mark.
 
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people
were trapped on the escalators.
 
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
 
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to reminisce with
people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the
shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ... And when I
get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then
sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
 
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
firearms with me.  I said, `Well, what do you need?'
 
I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired.
 
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With
Pail... Kitten On Fire.
 
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift
Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know when to stop unwrapping.
 
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my
friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
 
I filled out an apllication that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:". I
wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
 
Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up
there...Confuse the hunters.
 
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
 
When buying clothes, I wear an extra medium.
 
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
 
When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in one side,
and then walk around like this (frantically looking around while pretending
to push stroller)..."You had a brother, but he was bad."
 
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and
went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only studder in
spanish.
 
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.  So, I got
some flip-up contact lenses.
 
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing
what I was doing.
 
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
These aren't Steve Wright jokes, but they might have been:
 
i xeroxed a mirror. now i have an extra xerox machine.
 
the sky is falling ... no, i'm tipping over backwards.
 
yesterday i saw a chicken crossing the road. i asked it why.
  it told me it was none of my business.
 
i rented a lottery ticket. i won a million dollars. but i had to give it back.
 
i took a course in speed reading. then i got reader's digest on microfilm.
  by the time i got the machine set up i was done.
 
last week i forgot how to ride a bicycle.
 
i took lessons in bicycle riding. but i could only afford half of them.
  now i can ride a unicycle.
 
i saw a want ad. "light housekeeping."
  they said "here, change this bulb."  i said "i'll need some friends."
 
i went to san francisco. i found someone's heart.
 
i saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so i looked closer.
  it was made of grass.
 
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
 
the bermuda triangle got tired of warm weather. it moved to alaska.
   now santa claus is missing.
 
a beautiful woman moved in next door. so i went over and returned a cup of
 sugar.
  "you didn't borrow this."  "i will."
 
the sun got confused about daylight savings. it rose twice.
  everything had two shadows.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The means determine the ends
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you have one?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Roy Ogus reports that a ski-equipment store in the financial district was held
up and robbed this morning by two men wearing teller's masks!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Anyone who isn't confused here dosn't really know what's going on
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns;
he should be drawn and quoted."    -Fred Allen
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
If you have memorized the Unix "find" command and all its options,
        you probably aren't getting enough fresh air and sunlight.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Why does it take 18 (fill in the blank) people to go to a movie?
 
17 and under not admitted.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
cute license plate:
		BLUEDNA
How about "blue jeans (genes)"?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
You've probably seen several variations of the "smiley" in electronic messages
 (these tend to look better in a fixed pitch font) ...
 
     :-)     :->     ;-)     :-(     etc.
 
In today's mail I spotted one appropriate for the holiday season ...
 
     o<|:-}}}}
 
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q:  What do you get when you cross a Mormon Missionary with a Unitarian?
A:  Someone knocking on your door for no apparent reason.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In the new film "Back to the Future Part 2," Micheal J. Fox goes so
far ahead in the future that he actually sees Jim Bakker get out of jail.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From the 'Cape Codder' Orleans, Mass. advertisement:
 
BIRD WATCHER'S GENERAL STORE
"Cape Cod's Shop for Bird Lovers"
 
BIRD BATH HEATER
- Automatic built-in thermometer
- Keeps bird bath ice free
- Water attracts more birds than food
- Three year guarantee
- $36.95
---------------
(The photo of it looks like an oversize immersion heater, like you use in your
 coffee cup.)
----------------
 
Well, it seemed humorous to me, when it's 80 deg. outside, and I wonder why the
 birds don't fly south for the winter?  What's next? A Sauna?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Try this sometime too:  When they ask you your name, say  "C. Ash" and you
live on 1 Dollar Drive.
 
Or, You are "Bond.  James Bond."  And you live on "Double Oh, Seventh Street."
 
I, being a Star Trek fan, often do something like this:
 
SALESMAN:  (Pen in hand)  And your name sir?
ME:        James - T. - Kirk.
           -> IF THEY FIGURE IT OUT AT THIS POINT, THE SALES SLIP EITHER
              GETS TRASHED OR COMPLETED 'FOR THE HELL OF IT'.  IF NOT...
SALESMAN:  Address?
ME:        1701 Enterprise Way.
           -> IF THEY *STILL* HAVEN'T FIGURED THINGS OUT, YOU'VE GOT A
              REAL LOSER ON YOUR HANDS AND EXTREME CAUTION SHOULD BE OBSERVED.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
   My father is a carpenter. One day the foreman took him
aside and said, "Andy, on this job, we use only the best
wood. See that pile of wood over there? I want you to
sort it out. Put the best in a pile over here, and put
the rest in a pile over there."
   So he sorted the wood into two piles. The workmen
started building the fence, but there wasn't enough
wood. So the foreman took my dad aside again and said,
"Andy, on this job, we use only the best wood. See that
pile of wood over there?" Pointing to the discards from
the first round! "I want you to separate that wood into
two piles. Put the best in a pile over here, and put the
rest in a pile over there." So my father dutifully obeyed.
The workmen continued building, but ran out again! Etc.
So there is now a fence in Monterey that looks really
good on one end, and really bad on the other.
  And on that job, they only used the best wood.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I heard this from my mother--I don't know where she heard it.
 
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down.  He jumps out
and starts fiddling under the hood.  About five minutes later, he hears
some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of
his trunk!
 
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
 
"OK," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I
born?"  "Well honey.." said the slightly prudish parent "the stork brought you
to us"  "OH" said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too".  "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he
persisted  . "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent by
now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
 
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with
confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write
due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for
three generations."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A recent trip to Hawaii taught Dave Barry the following important language
 lesson:
 
"Aloha" is an all-purpose phrase meaning "hello", "good-bye", "I love you" and
"I wish to decline the collision damage waiver."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A "True Item" from Dave Barry's 1989 in Review (i.e., he's not making this up!)
 
September 20:
 
In the Zsa Zsa Gabor Endless Media-Intensive Trial From Hell, the defendant
tells the court that when officer Paul Kramer approached her, she could see
a "look of pure hatred" in his eyes.  Reminded that Kramer was wearing
sunglasses, Miss Gabor explains:  "The look of pure hatred was in his VOICE."
 
November 3:  The Federal Aviation Administration OKs smoking on flights
where two or more engines have failed.
 
December 21:  A grim-faced U.S. Surgeon General announces that "tofu" turns
out to be Japanese for "whale snot."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Did you hear about the Siamese twins who moved to England?
The other one wanted to drive.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q: What's a computer?
A: An accountant with a personality.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In a completely unexpected move today, Charles Babbage, creator of the
"Babbage Numerator", widely recognized to be the prototypical computer,
announced that he and his heirs will be suing all makers of computer
equipment, computer peripherals, computer-driven equipment (cars,
microwave ovens, etc.) for royalty fees retroactive to December 1, 1880.
 
The basis for the suit is quoted: "All computers ever produced since mine
are unlicensed derivative works, and they infringe upon my copyright of
presentation appearance which I placed on the Numerator."
 
In a related news item, Ada Lovelace, Babbage's live-in girlfriend, is
filing a suit against all programmers, claiming that they have unlawfully
profited from her work.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
   I was doing a college computer science assignment on the Concordia
University (Montreal) Cyber 625 (I think that's the number). I had finished
my program, and sent the job to be printed. The other line printers were
down, only one was operating. I got to the printer and saw on the queue
screen that my job would be the next to be printed. The printer was busily
spewing out paper, while a slightly smug looking student stood watching it.
I looked at the output, and tried to imply, subtly, that there might be a
problem with his program.
   "Boy, your program sure is producing a lot of output!"
   (Smiles proudly) "Yeah."
   "Must have taken you a long time to write a program like that."
   (Superior look) "Oh, not too long, a couple of hours."
   "You realize, of course, that it's just one line repeated over and over
again, don't you?" (Me, abandoning subtlety).
   "Oh. ****, what do I do now?"
   I had to explain to him that the only way to kill a job on those
printers was to bang on the window of the POD room and get them to kill it.
They never seem to happy to do it.
 
