From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 14-JAN-1991 13:17:08.21
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Subj:	More from Henry Cate III's humor archive

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: More from Henry Cate III's humor archive
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There's a story about Diogenes who was suppose to be looking for an
honest man, who after being in the company of lawyers was asked how
it was going.  He replied "I've still got my lantern."
 
More information on Diogenes:
Diogenes may well have been looking for an honest man in his wanderings,
but the reason he was wandering in the first place is that he had been
ostracized for counterfeiting.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One interesting game is Twenty Questions.... the surreal version.
Have someone leave the room, and tell them you'll all think up a word
for twenty questions. (Yes/no answers, the usual.) When the person comes
back, he has to ask questions around the circle.
 The TRICK is, BEFORE he comes back, everyone randomly picks what they
will answer! (yes or no)
 There is no subject. The person gets random answers, and comes up with
something no one thought of.
 This works best after playing normal twenty questions, and only works once.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
You'll need to do this before the person goes on holiday.
 
Spread some fast growing seed (like mustard or cress) on their carpet and
water well. When they return from holiday they'll need to borrow a
lawn-mower!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One thing that is fun to do is to find two pay phones (or just two
different phone lines) and call a friend on one of them.  When he
answers start dialing his number on the other one.  With call
waiting he will think (and rightly so) that he is get another call
but when he switches lines it will still be you talking to him.
If you do this right you can keep calling him on the other line
driving him crazy.
 
I did this to someone once and it took quite a long time before
he figured out what was going on.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"We had a doofus on our floor who was a real `sky pilot' (Jesus junkie).
He was always trying to convert everybody, lecturing about sin, etc.
Being a fundamentalist, he not only believed in The Rapture (where God
will come and zap all the good Christians straight to Heaven and leave
the riffraff), but believed that its time was near.
 
"Early one morning we placed carefully-arranged piles of clothes on
the hall floor as if their wearers had suddenly evaporated.  We used
dry ice and incense to make a Stephen Spielberg fog in the hall, then
we blew a very loud Freon horn outside his door, threw some
nonelectric flashcubes against the wall, and screamed a lot.  When he
came out, everybody acted stunned and yelled "What's going on?  There
was a big light and a noise and those guys just disappeared!!
 
"For several minutes, we had him believing he had been left behind
with us sinners!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One female student of my acquaintance got so fed up with people taking
her food out of the communal fridge that she put a note on her plastic
lunchbox.  The note read: ``WILL WHOEVER TOOK THE PATE PLEASE REPLACE
IT.  IT IS MY BIOLOGY EXPERIMENT.''
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I had a biology instructor that got fed-up with people stealing his
sandwiches.  Oneday, he replaced the ham in his sandwich with a
preserved frog.  It was the LAST of his sandwich's to be stolen.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
   On the subject of interesting signs. My family lives in Montreal, where
French-speakers outnumber English-speakers. A construction team apparently
was working on changing this situation while blasting near the Montreal
General Hospital five years ago. By law, signs relating to personal safety
must be in French, and you are allowed to put English writing on the sign
if you really feel you must. A sign explaining the signals for blasting
read:  (paraphrased, but the numbers are as they were there)
 
Explosion will come thirty seconds after the long blast of the horn.
 
L'explosion suiverai deux minutes apres la longue coup du sirene.
     (Explosion will come two minutes after the long blast of the horn.)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From GSP Digest #222:
==========
From: kevin@cbmvax.UUCP (Kevin Klop)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
 
I'm sure that there is a plethora of walking disk drive stories out there...
here's Yet Another Disk Drive Goes For A Walk...
 
I was part of an OS Enahncements group that was building a multi-CPU
testing system (about 24 computers plus array processors).  A large number
of these 300 Meg removable disk pack drives were shared between two cpus.
As part of our work, we did what are commonly called "Thrash Tests" wherein
you seek back and forth between the outermost cylinder and the innermost
cylinder.
 
Remember that these are VERY quick drives, and that the heads build up an
hellacious amount of momentum.
 
There was also a night operator that was:
 
		A) Universally disliked
		B) Knew almost nothing about computers except how
		    to follow a checklist.
 
We set up a timed job to run at midnight, just about the time this operator
would be starting his backups.
 
Along comes midnight, and suddenly all the disk drives in the computer room
start thrashing angrily "Chugachugachugachuga", and rocking back and forth.
Eventually they started walking themselves along the floor.
 
At the same time, on the operator's console, the screen blanks, and the
following words appear, centered, on the display:
 
                   I'm coming to get you.
 
The operator quit the next day.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
> San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances
> guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.
I understand that in Germany, there is a law that every
office must have a view of the sky, however small.
So the office buildings are all long and skinny.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In Cupertino, California, it is illegal to count backwards audibly in
 hexadecimal.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In Israel, there's no legal way for a man named Cohen to marry
a divorced woman.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Other anomalous laws:
 
The good burghers of Redwood City have outlawed the frying of gravy.
 
In Santa Clara it is forbidden to dedicate parking spaces to the patron
saint of television.
 
Prostitutes in San Francisco are not obliged to make change for bills
larger than $50.
 
The city of Mountain View proscribes calling pet fish by "names of
aggressive content, e.g. "Biter", "Killer", "Sugar-Ray" "
 
Bicycles may not be ridden without "appropriate fashion accessories"
anywhere in Santa Clara County (de facto law).
 
It is illegal to skateboard on walls "or other vertical surfaces" in
Palo Alto.
 
Wearing a sweatshirt inside-out is deemed a "threatening misdemeanor"
in Half-Moon Bay.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	one of my favorites is Bill Mauldin's 'Practical Gun Control';
three jail windows are shown.  Cell #1: unhappy prisoner looking out,
caption 'Burglar A, caught with loot only, sentence, 5 years (out
in two)'.  Cell #2: very unhappy prisoner, caption 'Burglar B, caught
carrying a firearm, sentence, 10 years (no payroll)'.  Cell #3: empty,
caption 'Burglar C: carried firearm and used same, sentence: THE WORKS'
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
         "Parking for Able Sign Customers Only.
          Violators will be victims of violent
          terrorist actions at owner's expense."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A guy down the hall has a wooden stake in his window with a sign that
reads "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF VAMPIRE."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
After Apartheid -- The Solution for S Africa
   by Frances Kendall and Leon Louw.
 
 
Country		Number of	Federal Budget/GNP	Per Cap
		registered				Income
		lobbyists.
 
US		26,000		.22			$16,449
Switzerland	0		.10			$26,309
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I am growing weary of seeing chemicals with warning labels that
imply that I shall die a horrible death simply by looking at
the contents.  A warning label should inform me of any *REAL*
hazards, and of the precautions I should take when handling the
reagent, and should not serve only to cover the manufacturer's
derriere should some lawyer-happy numbskull decide to bathe in
the product.
 
A case in point from Fisher Scientific:
 
CAUTION:  May be harmful if inhaled.  May cause irritation.
Inhalation may produce irritation, coughing and acute
pneumoconiosis from overwhelming exposure to dust.  May cause
a rapidly-developing pulmonary insufficiency, labored breathing,
tachypnea and cyanosis followed by cor pulmonale and a short
survival time.  More frequently, after 10-25 years exposure,
labored breathing, dry cough, chest pain, decreased vital
capacity and diminished chest expansion may occur and progress
to marked fatigue, extreme labored breathing and cyanosis,
anorexia, cough with stringy mucous, pleuratic pain and
incapacity to work.  Death may result from cardiac failure or
destruction of lung tissue with resulting anoxia.  Has caused
tumorigenic effects in laboratory animals.  Skin contact may
cause irritation and dermatitis.  Eye contact may cause redness,
irritation, and conjunctivitis.
 
TARGET ORGANS AFFECTED:  Eyes, skin, and mucous membranes.
Provide local exhaust ventilation and/or general dilution
ventilation to meet published limits.
 
FIRST AID -- INHALATION.  Remove from exposure area to fresh air
immediately.  If breathing has stopped, perform artificial
respiration.  Keep person warm and at rest.  Get medical
attention immediately.  SKIN:  Remove contaminated clothing
and shoes immediately.  Wash affected area with soap or mile
detergent and large amounts of water (approximately 15-20
minutes).  Get medical attention.  EYES:  Wash eyes immediately
with large amounts of water, occasionally lifting upper and
lower lids (approximately 15-20 minutes).  Get medical
attention.
 
 Yes indeed, all of this fits right on the bottle.
 And just what is this hazardous product?
 
 "SEA SAND, washed"
 
 God help me, I'll never go to the beach again!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q    How many alchemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A    Into what?
 
Q    How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A    None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
 
Q   How many doctor's does it take to change a light bulb?
A1   None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery
     later.
A2   None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A3   None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
 
Q    How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A    None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
 
Q    How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A    None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament transplant.
 
Q    How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A    None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
 
Q:  How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three, one to screw in the new bulb,  One to ask the old one how it feels to
 be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
 
Q:  How many Communistss does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt
 out.
 
Q:  How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None.  Just assume it's changed.
 
Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
    A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Famous sayings for a better life:
 
The greatness of a man can nearly always be measured by his
willingness to be kind. G. Young
 
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
Dorothy Law Nolte
 
Love cures people--both the ones who give it and the ones who
receive it. Dr. Karl Menninger
 
Enthusiasm is the greatest asset in the world. It beats money and
power and influence. Henry Chester
 
Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the
only thing. Albert Schweitzer
 
For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
Larry Eisenberg
 
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor
Roosevelt
 
Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives,
stop thinking and go on. Andrew Jackson
 
A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog.
Haitian Farmer
 
Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius. George Bernard
Shaw
 
I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.
Woodrow Wilson
 
Be Yourself. Who else is better qualified? Frank J. Giblin II
 
Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy
fortunetellers take economists seriously. Cincinnati Enquirer
 
Be happy. It is a way of being wise. Colette
 
Don't be so humble, you're not that great. Golda Meir
 
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments. Earl Wilson
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(Extracted from TELECOM Digest V10 #5)
 
Isn't technology wonderful? --
 
Phone Spots Inc. (Weston, MO) has received a patent for a device that
places recorded messages in the four second interval between rings of
a telephone.  The company is in the early stages of developing one
application, called Freephone Service, for its invention.
 
The Freephone concept involves distinctively marked, coinless public
telephones that allow anyone to make free three-minute local calls.
Callers will hear short advertising messages between rings while
waiting for the phone to be answered.  When the called party picks up
their receiver, the messages stop.  Sites for the phones include
airports, hotels and convention centers.  Currently there are over
48,000 public pay phones in these areas.  Phone Spots expects
advertising revenues to support the service.
 
