From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 10-DEC-1990 15:16:29.70
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Subj:	Henry takes a holiday -- Season's Greetings to All!! ;-)

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Henry takes a holiday -- Season's Greetings to All!! ;-)
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     I'm going to be taking it easy for the rest of the year
so this is the last batch of jokes I plan to send you this year.
     Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Years.
 
     Henry III
 
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
What is the name of the President of Lebanon?    But answer quickly!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    It has been reported that National Baseball League scouts
    have been spotted in the Israeli occupied West Bank.
 
    Rumour has it that they are recruiting pitchers ....
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
More actual newspaper headlines:
 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    Daily Sun-Post (San Clemente, CA) 1/17/77
 
Sneak Attack by Soviet Bloc Not Foreseen
    The Atlanta Journal 4/4/79
 
War Dims Hopes for Peace
    Wisconsin State Journal 12/27/65
 
Blue Skies Unless its Cloudy
    San Francisco Chronicle 5/29/??
 
Bankrupt Association Termed in Poor Shape
    Lawrence (KA) Journal-World 7/12/77
 
Food is Basic to Student Diet
    Bridgeport (CN) Post 1/18/78
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Weekly News:
 
Two West Germans were arrested near Holland trying to smuggle LSD-treated
stickers with pictures of Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev.  Other
attempts have used pictures of Batman, Goofy and E.T.
I think that choice of Goofy are especially apropos.
 
Question to "Ask Don Garlits":
Q - I'd like some advice on a 1979 Chevy Monza with a 1978 Buick V-6.
The engine has 106,000 miles, leaks, burns oil, suffers from vapor
lock and has trouble accelerating.  How much money should I put into it...
My A - Enough to tow it to the junk yard.
 
A fat man in Selma, Ala., got a plastic bag containing 45 rocks of crack
cocaine through a strip-search by hiding it "between folds of his
abdominal skin."
So now we have an answer to that age-old question of how do you know
when you are too fat.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(From Popular Science magazine)
 
According to Nielsen Media Research, the average household watched 49 hours
and 20 minutes of TV per week last year.  That's about seven hours a day, but
if you work eight and sleep eight, that leaves about one hour a day left for
everything else you have to do.
 
If that makes you want to throw a brick at the TV, a company called Scientific
Applied Research in Middlesex, England, will oblige you.  It has an electronic
brick - a soft, padded model - complete with a built-in remote control.  Toss
the brick, and it emits a signal to turn off the TV on impact.  Clever, but
you'll have to find the brick and throw it once more to reset the remote and
turn on the TV.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(Reported in the (U.K.) Guardian recently, and relayed by Martin Hughes:)
 
For those of you who don't read a quality paper the following extract from
the weekend Guardian might be of interest:
 
Airline competition intensifies.  Eastern Airlines is offering a 50% discount
on dead bodies.  Directors of Funeral parlours can now claim frequent flyer
bonus miles on every casket they ship.
 
         We take ghoul care of you!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The Providence (Rhode Island) Housing Authority switched to a wrecking ball
to demolish a 10-story building recently when a half-ton of dynamite left
the building with only minor damage.  (A civic group had argued earlier that
the building should be preserved as an example of solid construction that
could be renovated for low-income housing.)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Here in Halifax, N.S. just last winter, 2(3?) thieves made off with a t.v. set
and some other goodies by leaving the scene of the crime through the window.
I guess they never looked back, the R.C.M.P. officers who arrived at the scene
traced the tracks that the robbers left in the snow, right to the culprits, and
a succcessful arrest was made.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
British courier John Orchard, 19, was fined 250 pounds and banned from driving
six months in August for an incident in which 50,000 hypodermic needles came
loose from his motorcycle, causing 150 tire punctures and blocking two major
highways.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From the "News of the Weird" column:
 
Ronald McClanahan, 41, was arrested in September when he tried to rob a
Columbia, Mo., gun shop with a knife.  He tried to open the electronic
cash register by randomly pushing buttons, but then became frustrated and
tried to carry it away until the cord got caught, yanking him to the floor.
When an employee approached with a shotgun, McClanahan first lay perfectly
still, then bolted up, yelling, "Go ahead and shoot me," then tried to lug
the cash register out again.  Then he dropped it so he could flee, but when
the drawer broke open, he stopped to grab some money.  As he ran for the
exit, gun-wielding employees blocked him.  When police arrived, they had
to use force to loosen his grip on the money.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One more from the "News of the Weird" column:
 
Reason magazine reports that a survey of hotel bills from last year's
convention of religious broadcasters revealed that 80 percent watched
an X-rated movie on their hotel room's closed-circuit channel.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One more from the "News of the Weird" column:
 
Researchers studying solar radiation in eight major U.S. cities recently found
no significant increase despite fears about ozone-layer depletion.  According
to Dr. Joseph Scotto of the National Institutes of Health, the likely reason
is that increased radiation is being blocked by increased smog.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One more from the "News of the Weird" column:
 
Steven G. Rollins, already serving 32 years for killing a prison inmate in
1974 and charged with rape while on parole in Providence, R.I., in July,
became dissatisfied with his lawyer's defense tactics and began to beat him
with his fists in the courtroom, causing a concussion before he was restrained.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(Associated Press)
 
OROVILLE - A recent burglary victim attending a neighborhood watch meeting
spotted her television, Christmas stockings and other lost items in the home
of the neighbor hosting the meeting, police said.
 
"The clincher was that the woman putting on the neighborhood watch program
was wearing the victim's dress," Oroville police Detective Art Hatley said.
 
The victim, Nancy Miler, sat calmly through the discussion by neighbors and
two Oroville police officers, Hatley said.
 
"She kept her head about it.  Then, when the meeting was over, she waited
outside for the officers and told them what she had seen," he said.
 
Detectives obtained search warrants for the home and for a locker the
residents rented at a storage business.
 
When they served the warrants Wednesday, they found about $9,000 worth of
stolen property belonging to Miller and other burglary victims in both
places, police said.  They also found an ounce of methamphetamines.
 
Denise and Jeffrey Lagrimas were arrested on charges of possession of
stolen property and methamphetamines for sale.  They were booked into Butte
County Jail and released on $10,000 bail each.
 
Miller lost the television set, dress and other items when her storage
locker, at the same business where the Lagrimases had a locker, was
burglarized in mid-November.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Here are a few general notes, courtesy of the City of San Jose Office
of Environmental Management.
 
- Each glass bottle recycled saves enough energy to light a 100 watt bulb
for four hours.  Nearly 1000 bottles and jars are used each year by every
household in San Jose.
 
- Recycling one copy of the San Jose Mercury News every day for a year will
save 4 to 5 trees.
 
- If Californians recycled all their bottles, aluminum cans, and paper,
they would save about 150 million gallons of oil each year.
 
- The amount of garbage that is thrown away in San Jose is 4.2 pounds per
capita per day.  That's like everybody throuwing away a person a month.
People take up a lot less space than garbage too.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(From News and Oberservers, Dec 14, 1989)
CHINA ANTI-PORN WAR NETS BARE BABY PICTURES
 
Beijing - Primary school students were confused
          by the government's anti-porno slogan
          -- "Sweep the Yellow".  "Yellow" usually
          refers to pornographic material.
 
          The report said some young pupils were told
          pornography was picturews of poeple not wearing
          clothes.  Some obediently handed in their own
          bare-bottomed baby pictures.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
  Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh claim to have located the
  "Gullibility Center" of the brain, and outline an operation in which a
  neurosurgeon can go into the brain and lower the gullibility of a person,
  leaving the rest of the brain unaltered.  If you believe this, then you are
  a very gullible person and ought to consider having the operation done.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Back when I was attending the University of Utah, The school newspaper
ran a joke ad for a debate between Phil Donahue and Whiskers the Lamb.
Over 30 people showed up.  (what they were expecting, God only knows.)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
This office has an alarm on the street door so that people in the
building can tell if the street door is left open.  It is quite loud
enough to startle the unexpecting.
 
I occasionally arrive here with visitors.  As we open the door, the
alarm goes off, so they say ``What's that alarm mean?'' I reply: ``Oh,
it's just the computer doesn't know you., It's OK, it'll recognise me
and then it'll know things are OK.''
 
About half a dozen apparently intelligent adults have believed this daft
story so far.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
   Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually
very hard to get one for the kiddies. A radio station (I don't know where)
announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people
of this particular city. The plan was that they had to go to the football
field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and
the dolls would be dropped onto the field. People were supposed to hold
their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the
airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the
dolls to the recipients' accounts.
   People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.
 
   Another radio station prank took place on April Fool's Day. They
announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the
phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the
wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of
the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone, and could dirty the rugs or
furniture in your house. Consequently, the phone company asks that the good
citizens please get plastic baggies and put them over the handsets of the
telephones to protect their belongings.
   Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the
radio station retract the original claim.
   I've always felt that the retraction should have been handled this way:
"The phone company would like us to tell you that our earlier message
concerning the blowing of dirt out of the phone lines was incorrect. The
phone company does not, repeat NOT, blow into the telephone wires to clean
out the dirt. Anybody with any understanding of the way the system operates
would know that they suck the dirt out."
   Alas, the retraction was serious and factual. What's this world coming
to anyway?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
         WHAT IS A TEENAGER?
 
Every parent who has a teenager knows it's not easy to figure
them out.  Here are some clues. By Bill Adler
 
A TEENAGER IS...
 
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a
phone number.
 
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before
breakfast.
 
    A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday,
spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on
Wednesday.
 
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but
not his mother calling from the next room.
 
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but
can't make a bed.
 
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam
and 12 hours for her driver's license.
 
    An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles
but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
 
    A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music
           Loud and Very Loud.
 
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
 
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a
Michael Jackson concert.
 
    A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
 
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
 
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the
lawn needs mowing.
 
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a
teenager.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Someone posted a request for riddles/mysteries a while back, so I thought
I'd post my own list.  The rules I've played under run as follows:
 
1.   The people trying to solve the riddle must take turns.
 
2.   The person who asks the riddle may answer only "yes", "no", or
     "it doesn't matter".
 
3.   The person whose turn it is may continue to ask questions until
     a "no" response is received.  This means that questions must be
     carefully phrased (e.g., if you don't think the victim is a
     policeman you ask "Is the victim NOT a policeman?")
 
4.   You may solve the riddle only if it is your turn -- don't blurt out
     the answer as soon as you figure it out.
 
Of course, if the parties you go to are frequented by humans of any sort,
rules 1, 3, and 4 go out the window pretty quickly, but the game is still
fun.
 
Now for the riddles.  They're listed on the next page; answers are on the
page following that.  Enjoy!
 
1.  A man was shot in a room containing 53 Bicycles.  Why was he killed?
 
2.  A man was found dead in the desert with a pack on his back.  How did
    he die?
 
3.  A man kills himself in a room containg a piece of wood.  In another
    room is a pile of sawdust.  Why did he commit suicide?
 
4.  There is a man who lives on the 14th floor of a high-rise apartment
    building.  Each morning he takes the elevator down to the lobby to go
    to work.  On evenings when it's raining, he takes the elevator up to
    the 14th floor.  However, on evenings when it's sunny, he takes the
    elevator to the 10th floor and walks up the four remaining flights.
    Why?
 
5.  He was afraid to go home because the man with the mask was ready for
    him.  What did he do?
 
1.  A man was shot in a room containing 53 Bicycles.  Why was he killed?
 
      He was caught cheating at cards.  Bicycle is a brand of playing
      cards.  He had an extra one -- the 53rd one -- up his sleeve.
 
2.  A man was found dead in the desert with a pack on his back.  How did
    he die?
 
      The pack was a parachute which failed to open.
 
3.  A man kills himself in a room containg a piece of wood.  In another
    room is a pile of sawdust.  Why did he commit suicide?
 
      The man was a midget who worked in a circus.  The piece of wood is
      his cane.  An enemy of his shaved off part of the cane every day
      (hence the sawdust) so the man would think he was getting taller
      and would lose his livelihood.  So he killed himself.
 
4.  There is a man who lives on the 14th floor of a high-rise apartment
    building.  Each morning he takes the elevator down to the lobby to go
    to work.  On evenings when it's raining, he takes the elevator up to
    the 14th floor.  However, on evenings when it's sunny, he takes the
    elevator to the 10th floor and walks up the four remaining flights.
    Why?
 
      The man was a midget (lots of midgets in these things) and he
      couldn't reach the 14th floor button in the elevator.  That's why
      he would go to the tenth floor -- the highest button he could reach
      -- and walk from there.  On rainy days he would use his umbrella to
      hit the 14th floor button.
 
5.  He was afraid to go home because the man with the mask was ready for
    him.  What did he do?
 
      He stayed on third base, of course!  (home = home plate, man with
      mask = catcher)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"The enemy was repelled. But victory was not won. The war dragged on
for a year and there was no decision. Gold grew scarce, and again the
Government was in despair.
 
"I easily relieved them. 'Write,' I said, 'promises on paper to be
repaid in gold.' They did as I advised -- paying me (at my request) a
trifle of half a million for the advice. I handled the affair -- on a
merely nominal profit. I punctually met for another year every note
that was pain in. But too many were presented, for the war seemed
unending and entered a third year.
 
"Then did i conceive yet another stupendous thig. 'Bid them,' said I
to the Sultan, 'take the notes as money. Cease to repay. Write, not "I
will on delivery of this paper pay a piece of gold," but, "this is a
piece of gold."'
 
"He did as I told him. The next day the Vizier came to me with the
story of an insolent fellow to whom fifty such notes had been offered
as payment for a camel for the war and who had sent back, not a camel,
but another piece of paper on which was written 'This is a camel.'
 
"'Cut off his head!' said I.
 
"It was done, and the warning sufficed. The paper was taken and the
war proceeded."
 
         from Hilaire Belloc, _The_Mercy_of_Allah_, 1922
         courtesy of ECON 605 by Leigh Tesfatsion
 
