From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall"  5-DEC-1990 13:13:36.73
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CC:	
Subj:	NUTS is owned by Joe Desbonnet (he's the 'Sender' of this email :-)

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: NUTS is owned by Joe Desbonnet (he's the 'Sender' of this email :-)
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The trouble with people is not that they don't know ...
 
 but that they know so much that ain't so.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
 
Tom Lehrer
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
My brother went to the University of Chicago which has a terrible
football team.  They were in a league against intellectually
third-rate colleges, and the U of C cheer was:
 
	That's all right,
	That's okay,
	You're going to work for us someday!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A recent memo at the Army Troop Support Agency in Fort Lee, Va., reminded
personnel that, because the elevator "is unsafe and has been known to stick
between floors," it should be used only "for freight and the handicapped."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
This morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in them I'll never know!!
 
Groucho Marx
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
 "Fifty percent of all products and services used today did not exist
five years ago. Ninety percent of all those that you will interact with
in 10 years have not yet been developed."
	-Frank Ogden
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Thought for the day: Poor Planning Department:
 
In May, five fortunetellers from England hastily abandoned their tour of
Ireland after their crystal balls were stolen.  They feared that they would
be unable to ascertain whether the rest of the tour would be successful.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
My favourite this year, (seen in London).
 
Left hand wall : Do you want to play toilet tennis (see other wall).
 
Right hand wall : Do you want to play toilet tennis (see other wall).
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The other day, I dropped a piece of bread and it fell butter side
up.  I was convinced that I'd buttered the wrong side of the bread.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
If a cat always lands on its feet, and a buttered piece of bread always
lands buttered side down, what would happen if you tied a piece of bread
(buttered side up) onto a cat's back?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A cop pulled me over the other day and asked to see my driver's license.
I showed it to him and he says, "Lady, it says here that you're supposed to
wear corrective lenses."  I said, "But officer, I've got contacts."  He said,
"Look lady, I don't care WHO you know!"
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
I don't mind being stopped.  I understand--you speed, you get a ticket.  But
why do they have to take so long?  I always want to get out of my car, tap
on the cop's window and say, "Officer, I was obviously in a hurry!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In "The Greatest Story Ever Told," John "Duke" Wayne played a cameo
role as the centurion who leads Jesus to his Crucifixion and has one
line to deliver:  "Truly, this was the Son of God."  According to a
popular, but apocryphal, story, when Wayne delivered his line for the
first time, director George Stevens cut the action and told Wayne:
"You're referring to the Son of God here, Duke.  You've got to deliver
the line with a little more awe."  Whereupon Wayne announced on the
next take:  "Aw, truly this was the Son of God."
 
Source:  {ul Hollywood Anecdotes}, written by Paul Boller and Ronald Davis
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
In America we really don't have a speed limit.  Nobody knows what it is.
Everybody drives in packs.  If the lead car is going 85, by God, so be it.
It's amazing when people go to work in the morning.  It's like a gang in the
Old West going to rob a bank:  "Awright, we're a goin' inta town.  We're all
a gonna drive 75 miles an hour.  They cain't catch us all!  Move 'em out!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Heard on National Public Radio on the way to work this morning:
 
In Los Angeles over the weekend, a man was arrested for drunken
driving.  He called a friend to come bail him out.  He then persuaded
the friend to let him drive the friend's car, his own car having been
impounded as evidence.  They proceeded directly to a roadblock where
police were administering drunken driving tests.
 
He was re-arrested and held over the weekend for being stupid.
 
Hadn't realized this being stupid was illegal
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Student(before a class) : I want to drink a glass of water
 
Teacher : If you dilute yoursef, how are you going to concentrate.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his
thesis work.  He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the
river to the remote site he where he would make his collections.  About noon
on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.  Being a
city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this.  He asked the guide,
"What are those drums"  The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but
VERY BAD when they stop."
 
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went
reasonably well for about two weeks.  Then, just as they were
packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped!  This hit the
biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide
 
		"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"
 
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said
 
				"Bass Solo"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Another researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.
Accompanied by his trusty guide, he too seeks out a very remote locale
for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.
 
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his
guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums.  They get louder.
The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."
 
The dusk turns evening.  The drums get louder.  The guide says, "I really
don't like the sound of those drums."
 
Evening turns to dead of night.  The drums get louder and louder, until
it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close.  The guide says
again, "I *really* don't like the sound of those drums."
 
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,
"Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
You may want to compile a list of Radio "one-liners" like:
 
WKDU:  More static, more of the time....
 
You're listening to WKDU.  No one else is, but you are.
 
This is KFJC and you are listening to our hour-long music-free commercial
 sweep.WQHS.  73 on your AM dial.  Or, if you have an expensive radio, 730.
 
Are your friends laughing at you?  Maybe it's because you are not listening
to WQHS, 730 on your AM dial, on the University of Pennsylvania campus.  Or
maybe it's because you're ugly.
 
This has been xxx at KFJC reminding you that animals are your friends, but they
won't pick you up at the airport.
 
WKDU:  Broadcasting with TEN MILLION microwatts of POWER!
 
Hi.  This is Swamp Thing and we say that you should listen to WQHS because...
because... , well, do you REALLY have anything better to do?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A few Star Trek jokes:
 
Overheard in a corridor:
Crewman:  "I've got a brother at Starfleet Science Academy."
Crewwoman:  "What's he studying?"
Crewman:  "Nothin'.  They're studying him."
 
    The Kzinti had captured a Medusan, but since Medusans are energy beings,
they had trouble deciding how to eat him.  The Kzinti captain had the last
word.  He said they should use lots of sugar, because, "everyone knows a
spoonful of sugar helps the Medusan go down."
 
A young man was applying to join Starfleet:
"Where were you born?" asked the recruiting officer.
"Earth, sir."
"What part?"
"All of me, sir."
 
Did you hear about the Federation weapons expert?
He never forgets a phaser.
 
Where does a ten-foot Mugato sleep?
Anywhere he wants to.
 
What do you call a ten-foot Mugato?
Sir.
 
When the Melkotians beamed Kirk, Spock, Chekov, and McCoy down to the
recreation of the OK Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old-style
six-guns.  You see, they came from a time when no man had guns before.
 
Why was STAR TREK so successful?
It had good Genes.
 
What would you have if all the Star Trek fans in Switzerland got together?
The Geneva Convention.
 
Show me a man who is a good loser...and I'll show you a junior officer who is
playing 3-D chess with his captian.
 
Captain Kirk:  "Since all of you crewmembers performed so inefficiently today,
there'll be no liberty at Starbase Seven."
Voice:  "Give me liberty or give me death!"
Kirk:  "Who said that?"
Voice:  "Patrick Henry."
 
McCoy:  "Should we have a friendly game of cards?"
Kirk:  "No, let's play poker."
 
    Kirk was chatting with a newly commissioned ensign when a crewman
approached and asked to speak to him.
    "Go ahead, son," Kirk said.
    "It's kind of confidential, captain.  I'd rahter not say it in front of the
ensign."
    "Well," said Kirk, "spell it then."
 
Noticing medals on Balok's chest, Kirk asked, "Did you win those in combat?"
"Oh, no," said Balok.  "I don't believe in military service."
"Did you shrink from battle?" asked Kirk.
"No," shrugged Balok, "I've always been this size."
 
    When the ENTERPRISE crew beamed down to the Guardian of Forever, Dr. McCoy
refused to go through.
    "You're all the same," he grumbled, "In one era and out the other."
 
McCoy:  "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes."
Kirk:  "But you can't play them."
McCoy:  "While I've got them, neither can he!"
 
    Lieutenant Kyle:  "Dr. McCoy, I sleep all day, stay awake all night.  I'm
hot all the time and can't stop dancing.  And I see rings before my eyes!
What's wrong with me?"
    McCoy:  "Sounds like Saturn Day Night Fever."
 
    Dr. McCoy was impressed by the professional manner of new ENTERPRISE
psychiatrist Dr. Zhrink.  After a long shift, an amazed McCoy asked him, "how
can you stay so fresh and cool after eight hours of listening to such terrible
problems?"
    Dr. Zhrink shrugged.  "Who listens?"
 
McCoy:  "Do you serve crabs here?"
Mess officer:  "We serve anybody.  Sit down."
 
    Harry Mudd was arrested and chahrged with fraud for selling maps to the
Fountain of Youth.  When computer records were checked, it was discovered he
had been arrested for the same offense in 1716, 1986, 2005, and Stardate 25.8.
 
    Harry Mudd was on trial again.
    "Harry," said the judge, "You're accused of throwing your wife, Stella, out
of the window.  This is a most serious crime."
    "But your honor," cried Harry, "be lenient.  You've met my wife."
    "Yes," answered the judge with a shudder, "and I don't blame you for what
you did.  But don't you understand she could have LANDED on somebody?"
 
Sarek and Amanda were dating
Amanda was patiently waiting
For signs of romance
Soft words, a slow dance
What she got was an efficiency rating
 
What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A croaking device.
 
    It seems the Klingons had a diabolical to wrap all the Federation starships
in silver paper.
    Luckily, the plan was foiled.
 
Do you know what they call a Klingon with half a brain?
Gifted!
 
Do you know what they call a Klingon with no brain at all?
Normal.
 
What is the longest four years of a Klingon's life?
Third Grade.
 
How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree?
Wave to him.
 
Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes?
Cats keep trying to cover them up.
 
Why did the Klingon cross the road?
To conquer the other side.
 
    Scotty and Sulu had been at the K-7 saloon for three hours when suddenly in
walked a strange alien being.  He was eight feet tall, weighted less than a
hundred pounds, and had orange skin, purple hair, and six yellow eyes.  To top
it all off, he was wearing a red-and-blue-striped suit.  Scotty stared at him
for a long while and finally rose and staggered over to the being.
    "Pardon me for askin', friend, bu' wha' do ye look like when Ah'm sober?"
 
    The next day, the bartender was just opening up the place when a pink
elephant and a rhinoceros came strolling in.  The bartender shook his head.
"Sorry, boys, Scotty hasn't come in yet."
 
    Dr. McCoy finished his examination of Scotty and shook his head.  "Scotty,
I can't find any reason for your stomach pains.  Frankly, I think it's due to
drinking."
    "In that case, Leonard," said Scotty, "I'll come back when you're sober."
 
Mr. Spock:  "What is the formula for PI?"
Chekov:  "Er...apple or blueberry, sir?"
 
Mr. Spock:  "A syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row.  Give me an
example."
Sulu:  "Mudd's Women!"
 
    A visiting admiral approached Chekov's station on the ENTERPRISE.  Thinking
he would test the young officer, he asked, "What would you do if the weapons
officer suddenly got his head blown off?"
    "Nothing, sir."
    "Why nothing?"
    "Because I'm the weapons officer, sir."
 
What do you call it when two science officers are having an argument?
Science Friction.
 
Sulu:  "I've just discovered that Ilia's sister is a redhead."
Chekov:  "But I thought Deltans don't have any hair."
Sulu:  "She doesn't.  She just has a red head."
 
Show me Uhura reciting verse at warpspeed...and I'll show you poetry in motion.
 
Uhura:  "Everyone on this ship thinks I'm crazy because I like paastrami on
rye."
McCoy:  "That doesn't mean you're crazy.  I like pastrami on rye, too."
Uhura:  "Great!  You must come and see my collection!"
 
    Uhura was working at her console when she suddenly straightened up.  "I
think there's a sick crewmember on Deck 9," she said.  As no message had been
received, Kirk was baffled, but sent McCoy to check it out.  Sure enough, the
doctor reproted that a crewmember had, indeed, collapsed where Uhura had
predicted.
    Impressed, Kirk turned to her. "You must be psychic, Uhura.  How did you
know that crewman was ill?"
    Uhura smiled.  "I had my ailing frequencies open, sir."
 
     And let's not forget their mission...
     "To boldly go where Nomad has gone before...."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The following are lines Spock might have said followed by what was really said:
 
This celebratory gathering occurs at my behest and I shall be lachrymose if
it so befits me.
 
Answer: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
 
 
She chooses to purchase a terraced incline directed toward a post-life
paradisiacal region.
 
Answer: And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
 
 
The leather coverings now encasing my pedal extremities have been
manufactured for the specific purpose of ambulatory forward motion.
 
Answer: These Boots Were Made For Walkin.
 
 
Adieu, jaundiced vehicular pathway consisting of bricks of baked clay.
 
Answer: Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road
 
 
And we will engage in much jubilant activity until such time as the male
parent chooses to repossess her vehicle of motorized transport.
 
Answer: And we'll have fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes the T-bird away.
 
 
The deity had little or nothing to do with the manufacture of minuscule
viridescent seed-bearing fruits.
 
Answer: God didn't make little green apples.
 
 
Allow me the honor of portraying for you a miniaturized representation of a
member of the family Ursidae of the order Carnivora.
 
Let me be your Teddy Bear.
 
 
You provide illumination for the period of time delimited by my nativity
and the complete cessation of my metabolic functions.
 
Again, nitpicky.  It's "You Light Up My Life."
 
 
Express deep affection towards yours truly in the manner of a hardened
igneous object.
 
Love me like a rock
 
