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Subject: Henry Cate III brought to you by NUTS@FINHUTC
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    The more things change, the more they stay insane
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Showing up is 88% of life
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Problems worthy of attack
prove their worth by hitting back
Piet Hein
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
There is one of those large, portable flashing signs in front of the
School for the Blind in Louisville, KY with the following message:
 
        WELCOME BACK STUDENTS
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Do you know what they call a pretty girl in South Dakota???
A tourist!!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
 Just heard these on Carson.
 
"I know you're disappointed that Zsa Zsa only got three days, but
at her age that could be a lifetime"
 
"Zsa Zsa wanted an appology from Beverly Hills for putting her on trial".
"Isn't that a lot like Exxon wanting an apology from Alaska for getting
duck feathers in their oil?"
 
 Carson said of the same issue - "ZsaZsa now says that she's worried
 about lesbians in prison.  With her acting career, she should worry
 more about meeting thespians in prison."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
How did the North Dakotan break his leg raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
 
Did you hear about the North Dakotan who tried to commit suicide?
He jumped out of the basement window.
 
What is the North Dakotan state flower?
The dandelion.
 
What is the North Dakotan state bird?
The mosquito.
 
Two North Dakotans were shoveling snow.  One said to the other,
"This is too much work.  Let's just burn it."  "No," said the other
North Dakotan,  "What would we do with the ashes?"
 
Every winter, Montana sells snow to North Dakota.  They use it for landfill.
 
A North Dakotan tried to go skiing once, but he couldn't figure out
how to get his pants on over his skis.
 
Two airplanes flying in a snowstorm.  Which one is from North Dakota?
A. The North Dakotan plane is the one with chains on the propellor.
 
The North Dakota state rodeo was cancelled.  Someone stole the sawhorse.
 
Sign on a North Dakotan garbage truck: "We cater wedding receptions."
 
A set of North Dakotan matched crystal: three peanut butter jars with
the same label.
 
One day a North Dakotan carpeted his bathroom.  He liked it so much,
he bought some more carpet and ran it all the way to his house.
 
Why are there so few suicides in North Dakota?
A. It's not easy jumping of a basement window.
 
You can tell when a North Dakotan is rich--
He has two cars jacked up on the front lawn.
 
Just before Custer went into Montana he stopped in Bismarck. He told the
people, "Don't do anything until I get back."  They haven't.
 
I looked up some facts about North Dakota:
    Geography: "Centrally located" (middle of nowhere)
    Climate: "Wide temperature range" (winters bad, summers worse)
    Principal manufacture: Farm equipment
    Principal mineral resource: Sand and gravel
 
Famous North Dakotans: Maxwell Anderson, Angie Dickinson, John Bernard
Flannagan, Louis L'Amour, Peggy Lee, Eric Sevareid, Vihjalmur Stefansson,
Lawrence Welk
 
Net migration (last 5 yrs): -6,800
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Quoted from Sacramento Bee:
 
Yakov Smirnoff on his communication with friends who came to America before him:
 
  "Before they left, we worked out a code that they would say the opposite of
what they meant in their letters," Smirnoff recalled.  "When they wrote that
   'the streets are filthy and the people are rude' we thought that they meant
   the people were friendly and the streets were clean.  Since they live in
   Cleveland, we later learned they had forgotten the code."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
  What's the difference between "Democracy" and "People's Democracy?"
  Same as between a jacket and a strait-jacket!
 
  What is the most beautiful thing in the world?
  Communism - without the road that leads there.
 
  What is the definition of a Communist?
  Someone who has read the works of Marx and Lenin.
  What is the definition of an anti-Communist?
  Someone who understands the works of Marx and Lenin.
 
  A world-famous Russian athlete defected to the US during a good-will tour.
He was asked why the Russians excelled in running. The athlete answered:
"We use the border for the finish line."
 
  A teacher asks his students in a Budapest school:
    "Why do we love the Soviet Union?"
    "Because," says a student, "it has liberated us!"
    "And why do we hate America?"
    "Because it has not!"
 
  Why is the communist system superior to any other system?
  Because it is able to cope with problems that do not exist in any other
system.
 
  Why don't Russian workers oppose communism?
  Beats working!
 
  What are four things wrong with Soviet agriculture?
  Spring, summer, fall and winter.
 
  Soviet fast-food is vodka by the gulp.
 
  Did you hear about the Russian Chinese restaurant? The food is terrific
but an hour after eating you are hungry for power.
 
   Why is the communist system superior to every other system?
     Because it has dealt with problems that do not exist in any other system!
 
   A Soviet runner is asked: "Why do you think the Russians excel in running?"
     "We use the border as the finish line!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A young member of the German communist party went to his senior comrade
  with a strange request: he wanted permission from the Party to emigrate
  to West Germany. (It is only with the permission of the Party that
  people are allowed to leave East Germany. Often it is ``granted'' as
  a method of eliminating people with inappropriate attitudes.)
  ``For what reasons could you possibly want to leave the Socialist
  paradise, young comrade?'' ``Well, sir, I have a main reason, and
  a kind of side reason. The side reason is this: I know our Party
  has established a paradise here in the Democratic Republic, but the
  reason I want to leave is that I am very afraid that is will not last.''
  ``Don't worry, son! It will last for ever.'' ``Well, good, sir: but
  that brings me to my main reason....''
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    An American mutt and a Soviet mutt run into each other, after years
    of absence, so the American mutt asks the Soviet how things are
    with all the new changes of perestroika & glasnost. The Soviet mutt
    replies "Well now my leash is three feet longer, but the food is
    six feet further away, and I can bark all I want "
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
On yesterday's evening news, Grenady Gerasimov (sp?)  the Soviet
Union official spokesman said that the USSR has a new foreign
policy.  After the Brezhnev Doctrine, they were calling this one
the "Frank Sinatra Doctrine."  According to Gerasimov, Sinatra
has a song "I'll Do It My Way" and that is what the Kremlin wants
its satillites to do.  They can run their countries their own way.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Gorby, being the son of an industrial worker, is generally viewed by the
agricultural Soviet community as an anti-farmer person. With an eye to
rectifying this unfortunate misunderstanding, he decides to go on a well-
publicized tour of the Soviet farmlands. Two days later, the Pravda headline
reads --- "The General Secretary with the pigs; fifth from the left"!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
11/10/89: TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE BERLIN WALL
 
10. I came for the political freedom -- I'm staying for the McRibs!
9.  Is this the line for BATMAN?
8.  So many Benettons!
7.  As long as you're already in the trunk, let's go to a drive-in
6.  We're coming to save you, Zsa Zsa!
5.  Here in the West, we don't have to pay a lot for our muffler
4.  Finally I can realize my lifelong dream of attending a taping of the PTL
    Club
3.  Let's stay at Dave's house!
2.  This out to scare the crap out of the French
1.  We're going to Disney World!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
   "WILL THE LAST PERSON LEAVING EAST GERMANY PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS?"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The following jokes are from "No Laughing Matter" by Steven Lukes
of Oxford and Itzhak Gelnoor of Hebrew University of Jerusalem.
The selections are from the June 5,1989 issue of _Newsweek_ (review
by George F. Will).
 
--------------------------------
Q: What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
 
A: A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
 
--------------------------------
Little Boy:  What will communism be like when perfected?
 
His Father:  Everyone will have what he needs.
 
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
 
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs
    meat today."
 
--------------------------------
 
Deng Xiaoping tells Gorbachev that three demands must be met before
relations can improve.  First, China wants 100 million tons of coal.
"Agreed," says Gorbachev.  And 20 new ships.  "Done," says Gorbachev.
And a million bicycles.  "Impossible," says Gorbachev.  "But why?"
asks Deng.  "Because," says Gorbachev, "the Poles don't make bicycles."
 
--------------------------------
 
Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, "The difference between the Soviet
Union and China is that I rose to power from the peasant class,
whereas you came from the privileged Mandarin class.  Zhou replies,
"True.  But there is this similarity.  Each of us is a traitor to his
class."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
IBM:
 
International Brotherhood of Magicians
Impractical, But Marketable.
In Business for Money
I've Been Mugged
I've Been Moved
Immense Bins of Money
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
IRS:     Income Reduction Service.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
MBA = Morals Be Absent?
 
From Molly Ivins' column in the December issue of /The Progressive/.
 
"As part of [Harvard Business School dean John] McArthur's effort to weed
out people interested only in lucre, the admissions process now includes
thirteen questions and nine essays, rather than a standardized test, and
takes hours to complete.  To make the cut, students must answer a few
questions about ethics.
 
"For example, they are asked to explain, in the application, how they
managed an ethical dilemma they have experienced.  But according to Laura
Gordon Fisher, the school's admissions director, many students say they
have never encountered an ethical dilemma.
 
"'It's amazing how many people admit they've never experienced a moral
dilemma,' said Fisher.  'Some applicants want to know if they should
fabricate one.'"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"The largest number of Supreme Court trials deal with motor vehicle
injury claims, so anything that speeds up the process will have an
impact."
 
  -- Rayan Ralph, secretary of the Law Society of B.C.
      (as quoted in the Fall 1989 issue of WestWorld)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
There is a person drowning in a lake, 50 feet from shore.
 
 
A Republican throws a 25 foot rope, and tells him to swim to it.
 
A Democrat throws a 50 foot rope, then drops his end to go do another
good deed.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Thought for the day: Prevention of Cruelty to Piranhas:
 
A video dealer in England advertised a large discount on his systems to
anyone who was brave (?) enough to snatch a coin from an aquarium filled
with hungry piranha.  The English equivalent of the SPCA in the United
States got into the act and demanded the dealer be sure the customer's hands
were cleaned so as to prevent food poisoning in any piranha that might bite
a dirty hand.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"Liberals are willing to forgive Jane Fonda for being in Hanoi.
 They are, however, unwilling to forgive her for being in Barbarella."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
An acquaintance of mine was active with the New Jersey Taxpayers Union
when former Gov. Brendan Byrne was trying to start a state income tax.
Byrne had given his speech, and asked for questions from the audience,
and Cathy got up and asked "How much money do you guys want?"
Byrne: "What?"
Cathy: "You keep raising taxes and raising taxes again.  When are
you going to stop?  You're already taking 50% of my income in taxes
- what will it take to satisfy you?  60%? 80%? 90%?  How much do you
guys want?"
Byrne: "I can't answer that kind of question."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    Q: Where in Texas is the best place to be?
    A: Deep in the heart(middle) - because no matter which way you're
       going, you're leaving.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Then there was the Texan who was showing a Yankee acquaintance around Austin.
The Yankee pointed to a statue and asked who it represented.  The Texan
replied, "Why that's a Texas Ranger!  This particular guy personally put down
three indian uprisings, captured 73 criminals, rescued 25 lost pioneers, and
helped 273 old ladies across the street.  And all of this single handedly."
 
Well, of course, the Yankee is suitably impressed, "Wow.  That is something.
But you know we have our local heroes up North too.  For instance, you've
probably heard of Paul Revere."
 
The Texan looks pensive for a moment then says, "Sure,  isn't he the guy who
had to ride for help?"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
We heard last week about a new parachute design that came out of the ME dept.
at Texas A&M.
 
It opens on impact....
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Thought for the day: Diet Tips from Ann Landers
 
(These are excerpts from an old column.  Apologies to those who may have
seen them already, but they are timeless, and worthy of repeating.)
 
1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
 
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they will cancel each other out.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In the spirit of "Diet Tips from Ann Landers", this sign was seen on the
menu board at the Florentine Restaurant in Cupertino:
 
"A waist is a terrible thing to mind ... so don't forget to splurge with
 dessert."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
There were these two guys, Bill and Fred.  They decided to open up a resort on
an island, so they bought a small, uninhabited Hawaiian Island.  Well, the
first thing they built was an ice cream stand.  Fred was painting the stand,
while Bill worked below.  Fred accidentally dropped the can of red paint on
Bill's head.  Bill had a very short temper, so Fred rushed down the ladder, ran
to the boat and sped away.
    Bill found himself marooned on a dessert island
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
This came across the Chocolatelovers DL and was originally published in a
recent issue of Physics Today by Gary Taubs.
 
**********************************************************
                   Onward to the Dessertron
 
The machine will be the most ambitious scientific instrument ever: a
collossal doughnut-shaped accellerator so immense that all the jelly and
cream in the world could not fill it.  Dubbed the "Dessertron", it will
create twin beams of ice cream - one vanilla, one chocolate - and will smash
them together at energies of 40 trillion sprinkles (40 jimmies), one
thousand times more powerful than any ice cream smasher ever made.  Because
matter and energy are equivalent in desserts - eternally linked by Einstein's
famous equation:  (extra weight) = (mass) x (speed of consumption) squared
- when these beams collide they will do more than make soft yogurt.
Theorists believe that scattered among the debris of the collisions will
be elementary flavors and new desserts hundreds of times more fattening
than any known now.
 
"Every  time we have increased energy by a factor of 1000," says high-calorie
fizzicist Sherbet Glace' of Harvard (who won the 1979 Nobel Prize for
proving that at temperatures above 10 to the 28th power jimmies, strawberry
rhubarb and French vanilla are both aspects of the same fundamental God-like
flavor) "we have discovered something new.  At one sprinkle, we discovered
the banana.  At one thousand, we figured out that frappes, westerns, malteds
and milkshakes were simply different variations of ice cream and milk.  At
a million, we discovered fudge and made brownies.....and were content.  The
next big step was another factor of 1000, and quantum crust theories were
invented as well as the Little Jack Hoerner uncertainty principle.  It's
clear that what we need to do is study desserts at several trillion sprinkles."
 
In July, the High Calorie Dessert Advisory Panel of the Food and Drug
Administration recommended that the number one priority in research for the
next two decades should be the ice cream accellerator officially named the
Superconducting Super Osterizer  (SSO).  The mammoth blender, as they have
proposed it, would be as much as 120 miles in diameter with several different
speeds from puree all the way through whip.  It would take twelve years to
build and cost $2.2 billion, but it would also chop, dice, slice and make
moist icing.  Among the desserts that scientists hope the machine will find
are the rasberry quark, the Higgs Sundae  (which may be responsible for
defining the caloric content of all fundamental desserts during spontaneous
symmetry breakfasting);  those desserts predicted by the theory techniflavor
- which postulates that the Higgs Sundae is not a fundamental dessert but is
actually a bound state of more elementary desserts;  and the particles of
sugarsymmetry, which include spumpkin and specan pies, banino splits and
banino cream pies and several different flavors of antipastries.
 
Ever since the SSO was proposed in July, it has become the hottest plum in
science.  Brighams, Carvel, Baskin-Robbins, Friendlies, LuCerne and Sealtest
have already put in bids for the machine, and many more are expected.  The
state of Texas has promised that if the machine is built in Texas, it will
pay for the tunnels and the refrigeration equipment needed to cool the ice
cream down to a few degrees above absolute zero to save money on artificial
preservatives.  When the SSO is finished, it will assure the U.S. pre-eminence
in desserts well into the 21st century, and says Carob Rumraisin, the famous
Italian fizzacist and discover of intermediate vector bonbons and low-calorie
cannoli, "Once this machine is built, American scientists will finally get
their just desserts."
 
