Date: Wed, 31 Oct 90 08:18:21 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Wow! Henry Cate III twice in one day -- can you STAND it :-)
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie

 
 *  Truth :  the most deadly weapon ever discovered by humanity. Capable of   *
 *  destroying entire perceptual sets, cultures, and realities. Outlawed by   *
 *  all governments everywhere. Possession is normally punishable by death.   *
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
This life is a test - it is only a test.
If it had been an actual life, you would have received further
instructions on where to go and what to do.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The mission to Mars won't be cheap - the cost is currently estimated at
$400 billion ... but the benefits are enormous.  For openers, we will earn,
as a nation, more than 500 MILLION Frequent Flier miles!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Do you walk to work or carry your lunch?
 
Is it faster to New York by train?
 
At your house, on what side does the sun come up? N S E or W?
 
What is heavier: A ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
This being the time of year when prairie farmers have little to do but
pray that it doesn't hail or snow before they can get their crop off,
these farmers become prone to taking long walks around their fields.
Perhaps they're inspecting their fields for signs of insects or disease,
or maybe they figure that the Almighty will cause Fortune to be kinder
to them if they pray with each plant individually.  On one such stroll,
'round about sunset, a northern farmer passed by a slough near the edge
of his land, where he chanced to hear two lady mosquitos talking,
one to the other.  Now the occasional moose has been known to wander
down out of the forests and stray into the farmland around Prince Albert.
One such moose had been unfortunate enough to wander into this particular
slough.  These two mosquitos were holding the poor beast fast while they
debated whether to drain it on the spot or to drag it over to the other
side of the slough before dining.  Said the one, "The other side of the
slough is MUCH more scenic and would provide a far superior setting for
a fine meal such as this."  Her companion replied, "I still
say that if we don't eat our lovely moose here, the big mosquitos will
come and take it away."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Three men sitting around a campfire telling stories.  The conversation
turns to medical miracles:
 
First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to
work in construction.  One day last year his hand got run over by a
bulldozer.  Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today
he's a concert pianist.
 
Second man: That's nothing.  I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I
ever knew.  He was really fat and out of shape.  He was trying to
hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck.  Broke nearly every damn
bone in his body.  Somehow they put him back together better than he
was before.  Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for
the olympics.
 
Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid.  He couldn't do a
whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave
him a job as a stockboy.  Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one
day and gets locked in.  It's dark and he can't find the door.  Not
being too bright, he lit a match to try and find his way.  The whole
place exploded.  All they could find of him was a few fingers and his
eyebrows.  From that little bit they were able to put him back
together and today that kid is the governor of Massachusetts.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"Hi!  Do you know me?  Well, many people do.  But they don't always realize
how smart I really am.  That's why I carry the Mensa Impress Card (tm).
 
When I was Governer of New Hampshire, battling wits with Michael Dukakis
over nuclear power, everyone thought I was brilliant.  But these days,
when it comes to cutting taxes, increasing spending, and balancing the budget
all at the same time, people sometimes question my intellect.  They start
confusing me with the Vice President.  At those crucial moments, all I have
to do is mention Mensa Impress (tm).  It makes pushing a budget as easy
as influence peddling!"
 
                  __________________________________________
                 |                                          |
                 |                                          |
                 |         M E N S A   I M P R E S S        |
                 |                                          |
                 |                    ____                  |
                 |                   /    \                 |
                 |    3 1 4 1 5 9   / \||/ \  2 6 5 3 5     |
                 |                  | /oo\ |                |
                 |                  \ \ \/ /   Exp: 1/93    |
                 | John Sununu       \_||_/     IQ: 140     |
                 |__________________________________________|
 
       The Mensa Impress Card (tm).  Don't go to Washington without it.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
 
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
 
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
 
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person
shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
the returns."
 
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
 
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
 
							Rural Route #2
							Fremont, NE 68025
 
 
September 8, 1987
 
 
 
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington D.C.
 
Dear Sir:
 
  My friend, Ed Peterson,  over at Wells,  Iowa,  recieved a check for
$1,000.00  from the  government for not raising hogs.  So I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
 
  What I want to know is, in your  opinion,  what is the best  kind of
farm not to  raise  hogs on and what is the best  breed of hogs not to
raise?  I want to be sure that I approach  this  endeavor  in  keeping
with  all   governmental   policies.  I  would  prefer  not  to  raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
 
  As I see it, the hardest part of this  program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
 
  My  friend,  Peterson,  is  very  joyful  about  the  future  of the
business.  He has been  raising  hogs for twenty  years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.
 
  If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not  raising  100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small  scale at first,
holding  myself  down to about 4,000 hogs not raised,  which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.
 
  Now  another  thing.  These hogs I will not be raising  will not eat
100,000  bushels of corn.  I understand  that you also pay farmers for
not  raising  corn and  wheat.  Will I qualify  for  payments  for not
raising  wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000  hogs I am not  going to
raise?
 
  I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.
 
  Also, I am considering  the "not milking cows"  business, so send me
any information on that too.
 
  In view  of  these  circumstances,  you  understand  that I will  be
totally  unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
 
  Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
 
 
Patriotically yours,
 
 
Jean Partridge
 
P.S.  Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
cheese?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Dave Barry on the Conversion to Metric:
 
Many moons ago (in metric, 14.6 megamoons) you may recall that we were
all supposed to covert to the metric system from our current system of
measurement, which is technically known as the "correct" or "real" system.
The metric conversion was supposed to result in major economic benefits
deriving from the fact that you, the consumer, would suddenly have no
idea how the hell much anything cost.  Take cole slaw.  Under the current
system, cole slaw is sold in easily understood units of measurement called
"container," as in "Gimme one of them containers of cole slaw if it's
fresh."  In a metric supermarket, however, the deli person would say,
"How much do you want?  A kilometer?  A hectare?  Hurry up!  My break
starts in five liters!"  You'd get all confused and wind up buying enough
cole slaw to fill a wading pool, and the economy would prosper.
 
So the metric conversion was clearly a good idea, and when the government
started putting up metric highway signs (SPEED LIMIT 173 CENTIPEDES)
Americans warmly responded by shooting them down.  Thus the metric system
did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing
popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A list of New-Age/Self-Help courses:
 
     1100 Creative Suffering
     1100 Overcoming Peace of Mind
     1103 Guilt Without Sex
     1104 The Primal Shrug
     1105 Ego Gratification Through Violence
     1106 Moulding Your Child's Behaviour Through Guilt and Fear
     1107 Dealing with Post-Realization Depression
     1108 Whine Your Way to Alienation
     1109 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretence and Ostentation
     1130 "I made 100 in Real Estate"
     1131 Career Oportunities in Beirut
     1310 Money Can Make You Rich
     1434 Bonsai Your Pet
     1342 How You Can Convert Your Room Into a Garage
     EC-6 100 Other Uses for Vacuum Cleaners
     EC-7 How to Convert a Wheelchair Into a Dune Buggy
     H202 Creative Tooth Decay
     H204 Exorcism and Acne
     H215 Suicide and Health
     H220 Biofeedback and How to Stop It
     H302 Skate Yourself to Regularity
     H408 Tapdance Your Way to Social Ridicule
     C102 Needlecraft for Junkies
     C110 Making use of Navel Fluff
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
[From San Diego Union, 8-21-89, p. D2]
 
Cyclists are Sexier
-------------------
 
Bicycling Magazie did a survey that showed:
  o  Eighty-four percent of its readers think about sex while cycling.
  o  When they're thinking, often they think about other cyclists -- 68 percent
 of the women readers said other cyclists are more sexually attractive than
 non-cyclists.  Sixty percent of the men agreed.
  o  Twenty-eight percent of all respondents said they met a sex partner through
 cycling.  And two-thirds said cycling makes them better lovers.
  o  While a majority of of the men surveyed said they thought about sex while
 cycling, a majority of the women said they thought about cycling during sex.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In an R&D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be defined
simultaneously.  The parameters are: task, time and resources ($).
 
1) If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed
for the completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost.
 
2) If the time and resources ($) are clearly defined, then it is
impossible to know what part of the R&D task will be performed.
 
3) If you are given a clearly defined R&D goal, and a definite amount
of money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion
of the task, one cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached.
 
4) If one is lucky enough and can accurately define all 3 parameters,
then what one deals with is not in the realm of R&D.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Subject: DISK-O-TECH OF CANADA
 
I HAVE COME ACROSS AN AD FOR A SOFTWARE DISCOUNT HOUSEBY THE NAME OF
"DISK-O-TECH" THEY ARE FROM CANADA ,BOUCHERVILLE QUEBEC. THEY CARRY
BOTH IBM AND AMIGA SOFTWARE. THEIR PRICES SEEM "TO GOOD TO BE TRUE".
I CALLED THEM BY PHONE AND THEY ANSWERED MY QUESTIONS OK. BUT I STILL
AM NOT SURE IF THEY ARE LIGAMENT. IF YOU HAVE HEARD OF THEM AND DONE
BUSINESS WITH THEM OR KNOW OF ANYONE WHO HAS PLEASE LET ME KNOW.
 
(Editor's note:  I wonder if "DISK-O-TECH" sells ligament spelczeching
 software!)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
What Are the Chances: Risks, Odds & Likelihood in Everyday Life,
by Bernard Siskin, Jerome Staller, and David Rorvik.
Crown Publishers; New York, NY; 1989.
Hardcover; 177 pages; $16.95
 
Bernard Siskin is vice president of the Philadelphia office of the National
Economic Research Association.  Jerome Staller is president of the Center
for Forensic Economic Studies in Philadelphia.
 
Chapter 1 is "Some Long Shots." It gives the odds on some pretty unlikely
events. For example, your chances of being struck by lightning in your
lifetime are 1 in 600,000.  Your chances of appearing on The Tonight Show
are 1 in 490,000 and your chances of winning the grand prize in one of
the major state lotteries is 1 in 5,200,000.
 
Chapter 2 is "Some Good Bets." How safe is air travel? Quite safe, actually.
Your chances of being killed by just falling down are six times greater than
being killed in an airplane; much greater if you never fly. What are the odds
that you will be alive a year from today? The average American has a 99.8
percent chance of making it through another year. How risky is overseas
travel? Not very; the odds of your being killed by terrorists are 1 in 650,000.
 
Chapter 3 is "Remember to Change Your Shorts; You Never Know When You'll Be
in an Accident." Which month is the safest? In terms of fatal accidents,
February is the safest and July the worst. Is it safer to be a baseball
player or a boxer? Dodging fists is far safer than dodging baseballs.  Is
it safer to be a farmer than a big-city cop? Fans of Miami Vice may be
surprised to learn that farm injuries are among the most prevalent and the
most violent of any occupational group.
 
Chapter 4 is "Marriage, Divorce, Sex, and other (Romantic) Mayhem." Where
should you go if you want to marry a very young woman? In Rhode Island,
women can marry at the age of 12. How likely is a woman to find romance on
the job? About 55 percent, and office romances tend to last longer than
those originating in singles bars or health clubs. How long will your
marriage last? The median duration of marriages in the U.S. is about seven
years.
 
Chapter 5 is "Crime and Punishment." In what month are you most likely to
be shot, poisoned, or strangled? Watch your step in December. Is arguing
risky? About 40 percent of all murders happen during arguments. What make
of car is broken into most often? Volkswagen. In which city are you most
likely to be a victim of theft? Dallas. Where are you most likely to be
murdered? Washington, D.C., crime capital of the country. In which room
of an American home is the risk of violence the greatest? The bedroom.
 
Chapter 6 is "Doc, What Are My Chances?" As you grow older, are you more
likely or less likely to catch cold? Less likely. What's the worst time of
year to have surgery? July, when hospitals bring in new interns. What are
the chances that a pregnancy will result in a multiple birth? About 1 in 50.
Are men who pilot jet planes more likely to give birth to girls? No, but
their wives are. What are your chances of coming down with polio? Almost
nil, compared with 22 percent in 1950.
 
Chapter 7 is "Risky Business; Money, Education, Jobs, Success, Failure."
In which state are you least likely to be unemployed? Massachusetts. Which
spaces are you most likely to land on in a Monopoly game? Illinois Avenue
and the B&O Railroad. Is it possible to get rich by hard work? About 82
percent of those worth $500,000 or more say they got rich by working hard.
Are you more likely to find work as an astronomer or an astrologer? There
are 13,000 astrologers and only 3,000 astronomers.
 
Chapter 8 is "High risks; Smoking, Drugs, Alcohol." Is alcohol more dangerous
for men than for women? Alcohol is more toxic to women than to men. What
state has the highest per capita consumption of beer? New Hampshire. Are you
more likely or less likely to smoke as you get older? The older you are, the
less likely it is that you will smoke. What are the chances that a person
who commits a crime will be high on drugs or alcohol? About 50 percent.
 
Chapter 9 is "Fat Chance; Food, Diet, Weight." In which country of the world
do you run the highest risk of obesity? The United States. Are the rich or
the poor more likely to be overweight? The poor. Will the use of artificial
sweeteners help you to lose weight? Statistics show that those using artificial
sweeteners are more likely to gain weight than nonusers.
 
Chapter 10 is "Elements of Risk; Weather, Pollution, Natural and Unnatural
Disasters." What are the odds that a big quake will hit the San Francisco
area in the next 25 years? About 50 percent. What are the odds that a big
quake will hit Southern California in the next 25 years? About 50 percent.
Hate rain? Move to Antarctica; it almost never rains there. What are the
chances that your drinking water is contaminated? About 20 percent of all
water supplies are contaminated by chemicals.
 
Chapter 11 is "Head Games; Emotions, Stress, Self-Esteem, Mind, Spirit."
Will having a room of your own as a teenager decrease your likelihood of
mental illness later in life? Yes, it will. What are the odds that you bite
your fingernails? About 1 in six; of those, about 1 in 6 also bite their
toenails. What are your chances that you will have a supernatural experience?
About 1 in 17 overall; 1 in 3 if you live in California. Do do-gooders have
higher immunity than Scrooges? Yes, they do. Will an "only child" have lower
self-esteem than a child with siblings? No.
 
Chapter 12 is "Sporting Chance; Sports/Gambling." Will high school athletes
compete in college sports as well? About half of them will. What are the odds
that an offensive lineman will play four or more years in the NFL? About 50
percent. As a professional football player, are you likely to have a disabling
injury? Almost all pro football players eventually suffer an injury that
adversely affects their career.
 
