Date: Sat, 27 Oct 90 12:17:18 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Henry Cate III emerges from the backlog on NUTS@FINHUTC

 
More Steve Wright
 
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?'  I
said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
 
"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I
said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question.  If you are in a spaceship that
is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does
anything happen?'  He said 'I don't know'.  I said 'I don't want your job'."
 
Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
 
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
 
I've writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.
 
My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can
ask him what he meant.
 
I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
 
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
 
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.  The
weatherman said, "I don't understand it.  It was supposed to be 80 degrees
today," and I said "Oops."
 
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish.  My dreams were broadcast all
over the world.
 
I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.
 
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
 
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped
out a quarter?
 
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll just
be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
 
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step?  I'm like that all the time.
 
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck,
but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
 
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to reminisce with
people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the
shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ... And when I
get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
 
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing
what I was doing.
 
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
 
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street,
except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my
head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
 
Sometimes I...No, I don't.
 
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot.
 
I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept locking the keys
in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
   Jay was reading an article on ray-traced graphics, and turned the page to
behold a glorious, full-color picture of an orchard.
   "My God!" exclaimed Jay, "This *must* be a photograph!"
   To this one of the pixels replied ...
   "No, I'm a Crayed dot!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
     James Doohan walks into a bar. As he plops his
     ever-expanding frame upon the barstool, the bartender
     recognizes him and quickly rushes over to serve him.
     "Say, aren't you the guy who plays Kirk on Star Trek?"
     His reply is  "No, I've portrayed Scott!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Mused the hobo pretentiously, "I'm a freight-naut."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
My roommate is just the trendiest person on earth!  He's been into absolutely
everything that's the "latest" and the "greatest"--and also the most heavily
publicized.  When Cabbage Patch dolls were a big thing, I swear, I saw at
least a dozen around the house--and after they fell out of favor, there
wasn't so much as a single strand of yarn hair left.  He watches the Con-
ventional Wisdom as if it were the stock listings.  Just the other day,
I came home and saw him playing with one of those new Nintendo Home Video
Games, the kind that kids pester their parents to get 'till they're blue in
the face.  Figuring he'd blown yet another few hundred dollars on yet another
chunk of planned obsolescence, I turned to him and said, "You know, I've been
wondering about you; does your trendiness stem from some sort of hidden
insecurity?  Something I should know about?"
 
Well, he set down his remote controller, turned to face me, and said...
 
"No, I'm a fad nut."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	I came across an interesting article in last Sunday's
	L. A. Times.  According to the Times, one of the heirs
	to the Knott's Berry Farm (it's an amusement park in
	Southern California) fortune has been working with
	drug addicts.
 
	It seems that the latest craze among teenagers is to
	get high on Raid, of all things.  After weeks of working
	with one particularly troubled youth, the Times reported
	that Harold Knott was finally able to help him overcome
        his addiction.
 
	When the boy realized that he was at last rid of his
        addiction, he was heard to exclaim, "I'm off Raid, Knott!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
New York Times, August 8, 1989, Letter to the Editor, by Ruth L. Kaplan:
 
The other day I bought a roll of 25 cent postage stamps.  I have not had a
moment's peace since.  For, upon unfurling this roll, I discovered that every
one of the 100 stamps bears the unmistakable likeness of the American flag.
 
To appreciate my consternation, consider what is in store for these stamps.
First, I must lick the flag-- er, stamp.  Then I will drop it into a dark
box, wehre it may well be bruised, possibly even torn.  Next, the stamp/flag
will go to the Post Office, where an inexorable machine will stomp on it,
defiling it with ugly lines in order to "cancel" it.
 
"Cancel" our inviolable flag?
 
But wait.  The horrors mount.  In time, the stamp will reach the addressee,
who may rip it in eagerly opening the envelope.  Ultimately, the flag stamp--
licked, cancelled, defaced, ripped-- will be consigned to the trash, doomed
to decompose in a dump, linger in a landfill or-- shudder!-- be converted to
charcoal and burned under a steak.
 
What's a patriot to do?
 
I wonder if the Post Office will allow me to return a rerolled roll of
stamps.  But even it it does, it'll just resell it, perhaps to some
insensitive stamper who will lick, deface, cancel and rip those flags without
a twinge of conscience.
 
I pray (but not in school) for some official, even Presidential, guidance.
 
Ruth L. Kaplan is a retired Federal (but not postal) employee.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I went to Lettuce Amuse You traffic school this weekend (one of San Diego's
finest alleged that I ran a red light).  A Channel 8 newscrew was in our class,
filming a spot on traffic schools.  It'll be broadcast on the 5 PM news on
Sep. 15.  From what I gather, traffic schools are news-worthy right now because
in this era of Prop. 103, insurance companies want the schools banned, so that
they can jack up the rates of people who got tickets.
 
So these are the more interesting things we learned in class:
 
  o  California is starting to issue a new kind of drivers license (supposedly
began July '89).  The new licenses look like credit cards.  Your photo and
signiture are digitized when you first get the license, and laser-printed onto
the license.  You should be able to run your license through the washer and
 dryer
a lot more times than you can with the old licenses.  If you ever lose a
 license,
you just mail in a check to the DMV, and they send you a new license.  You no
longer need to stand in line and get your picture taken and sign your name
 again.
Also, there's a magstripe on the back of the license.  When a cop pulls you
 over,
the cop takes your license, goes back to the patrol car, swipes your license
through a card-reader, types in the vehicle code number that you violated, and
then the computer prints out your ticket."  As a side note, there is a movement
to try to replace state licenses with a federal driver's license.
 
  o  "You commit 2000 vehicle code infractions for every ticket that you
 actually
receive."
 
  o  The Scandanavian gov't did a study of how to reduce driver fatigue on long
trips.  They found that a very effective way to reduce fatigue was to chew gum
the whole time while you're driving.  You can't drive until you get tired, and
THEN start chewing gum -- you have to chew gum the whole time.
 
  o  One cop pulled over a guy for drinking and driving.  He searched the guy's
car, but couldn't find any open containers.  He was about to give up the search,
when he noticed a clear plastic tube hanging from underneath the dash.  He
 sniffed
the tube and detected alcohol.  Turns out the driver had rerouted the windshield
wiper hose to be under the dashboard, and had filled up the windshield wiper
 tank
with whiskey.  Every time he wanted a drink, he just put the tube in his mouth
and pressed the wiper squirt button.
 
  o  If you're taking the DMV written test, and they ask you a question
 regarding
footage, and you don't know the correct answer, guess "200 feet."  That's the
 most
common footage in the Calif. Vehicle Code.
 
  o  If you give the officer any lip, the officer reclassifies what had been a
routine stop as an "Adam Henry stop."  Adam Henry is slang for asshole.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
>>Date: 2 Aug 89 21:01:11 GMT
From: rtravsky@outlaw.uwyo.edu (Richard Travsky)
Subject: Batman the Ninja
 
It wasn't until some time after I saw Batman the second time that I
realized this: Batman is a ninja.  Certainly there are the obvious martial
arts and other fighting abilities.  But less obvious are some of the other
classic ninja techniques.  First of all, there is the dark suit.  Batman
only comes out at night, so the dark suit is camouflage, something ninjas
were early pioneers of.  Second, the suit is modeled after a bat, with
large ears, the intent being to appear scary and menacing.  Ninjas used
masks of frightening aspect to gain momentary advantage from the startling
effect such a mask can generate.  Third, ninjas were very good with
poisons, herbs, etc., being amatuer chemists in a sense.  Batman used smoke
bombs and gas (he gassed Vicki Vale to retrieve the film she'd taken of
him).  Fourth, ninjas used specialized climbing gear.  The "wonderful toys"
Batman used included a great deal of climbing oriented equipment.  Fifth,
ninjas were good spies in their own right and employed other spies; in
general they dealt often in information gathering and dissemination rather
than assasination.  Bruce Wayne had no apparent trouble getting police
files and even had his own home bugged!
 
The list could probably be extended, but it is enough to illustrate that
Batman is a ninja.  An up-to-date one, with a car and computers and a
plane.  I've read Batman off and on since the mid sixties and been involved
in martial arts off and on since the early seventies.  Never saw it this
way.  The film is certainly a more powerful medium.
 
Richard Travsky
Computer Services
University of Wyoming
RTRAVSKY@UWYO.BITNET
RTRAVSKY@CORRAL.UWYO.EDU<<
 
Any other martial arts afficianados like to comment on this?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
 
  I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle!  I sit tight, stoned out of my
  squach while my country's representatives meet the enemy face-to-face
  and will-to-will across the peace table.  For two centuries I have been the
  weak link in our nation's defense,  I am the Infantry!  Follow Me?
 
  Both easy victories and well-covered-up defeats I have known.  Frankly, I
  owe a lot to friendly historians.
 
  In the Revolution I spent most of my time slinking around out of uniform
  taking potshots at British troops from behind rocks.  I invaded Canada, and
  even that was a failure.  My best general went over the the British.  For
  a while there I didn't know whether to curse or wind my watch, but the
  French navy pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.
 
  I took on Britain again in 1812 thinking she'd be too busy with Napoleon to
  notice.  I invaded Canada again and got beaten again.  On my way out, I
  cravenly put the torch to the House of Parliament and then screamed like a
  stuck pig when the British burned Washington.  New Orleans, the only battle
  I won, was fought after my gallant negotiators in Paris had signed the
  peace treaty.  Incidentally, I won it with my usual tactic of hiding behind
  some rocks and taking potshots at the British troops.
 
  After that I vowed to pick fights only with unusually weak, stupid, or
  backward peoples.  The Indians fit the bill nicely.  Generally speaking, I
  bought them off, bullied them, or got them drunk, but occasionally I had to
  fight it out, with a numerical superiority of only ten to one and nothing
  but my self-loading rifle to stand against their fierce spears and arrows.
  What's more, cowards that they were, they often hid behing rocks and took
  potshots at me.  But I persevered, and in fifty-five years victory was mine
  (except for the Seminoles).
 
  Mexico also fit the bill.  I did a lot better there than in Canada.  By the
  way, if you're thinking of building a military tradition, I really recommend
  your Spanish speaking countries.
 
  In the Civil War, I fought on both sides.  Toward the end I changed sides.
  In the North I fielded two dozen of the worst generals in the history of
  modern warfare, and if the British had come to the aid of the South the way
  I did later in South Vietnam, there'd be Customs officials on the
  Mason-Dixon Line right now.  Once I had it won, I marched to the sea in a
  cowardly and wanton punitive expedition that held the record for atrocities
  committed against civilians for half a century, after which I won it again
  in the Phillipines.
 
  I went back to massacring Indians for a while, just to keep my hand in
  and added the Little Big Horn to my list of showy defeats.  If you know
  what you're doing, you can make routes like that and the Alamo and Pickett's
  Charge into "heroic stands" or "glorious doomed fights".  Anyway, I wised
  up after that and just surrounded Indian villages and fired into their
  teepees with cannon from four miles away.
 
  Then, I handily beat Spain's seventeenth century army in Cuba while my naval
  comrades sunk her twelfth-century fleet in Manila.  Along the way I turned
  a major military blunder, the costly charge up the wrong side of San Juan
  Hill, into a famous victory.  I picked up Panama at an auction and spent
  fifteen years pacifying the Philippines with the .45 caliber automatic,
  the Gatling gun, and the Krag buffalo rifle.  I went into Mexico again after
  Pancho Villa, but they'd picked up the knack of hiding behind rocks, so I
  said the hell with it.
 
  I waited just as long as I decently could before getting into World War I,
  buy my valorous historians made my six months of fighting sound like the
  major event of the war.  Australia, New Zealand, and Canada had ten times
  the troops fighting eight times as long, and you never heard of them, right?
 
  I pulled the same trick in World War II, but the Japanese forced me into it
  about three years early when my commander in chief left the entire Pacific
  Fleet in Pearl Harbor with a "Bomb Me" sign on it.  I actually had to do
  some fighting, but fortuantely I've always had some pretty sharp scientists
  to back me up.  Let me tell you, it helps to have the technological edge,
  whether it's Winchesters over arrows or grapeshot over musket fire.  They
  came up with napalm, the Norden bombsight and the atom bomb, and got me
  off the hook.
 
  In Korea I managed to blow a sure thing when my commanders forgot that
  rivers like the Yalu turn into roads at 32 degrees Fahrenheit - and that
  China wasn't a Spanish-speaking country.
 
  Since then, I've taken on Lebanon and the Dominican Republic, and Grenada,
  and backed out of the Suez and Cuba.  In Vietnam, I used all my tricks
  picking on small, primitive countries, taking potshots from the air (my
  scientists built fort of a flying rock to hide in), shelling villages from
  four miles away, pretending that mistakes like Hamburger Hill were great
  victories, all of it.  It didn't work.  I lost, and everybody knows it.
 
  I AM THE INFANTRY, QUEEN OF BATTLE.  FOLLOW ME!
 
