Date: Sun, 21 Oct 90 16:18:03 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Henry "speaks" via NUTS@FINHUTC
 
Then there are weird answering machine messages.  I used to have people
calling me up every week to check out the latest one.  My favorite was:
 
    (Done in a vampire voice)
 
    ``Thankyou for calling the Transylvanian Embassy.  No
      vampires are available to take you call, so at the sound
      of the tone, leave you name, telephone number, and blood
      type.  We'll get back to you as soon as we can.''
 
This sparked a whole bunch of embassy messages.  One of them nearly got
me in trouble with the FBI.  It went:
 
    ``Thankyou for calling Soviet Embassy.  No KGB.. er, no
      diplomats are available to answer your call, so at sound
      of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and
      short description of secrets you wish to sell.''
 
And for the science-fiction fans:
 
    ``Thankyou for calling Starfleet Command.  No Starships are
      in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace
      tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and
      how many Klingons are attacking.''
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I had a few friends who had answering machines.  When their recorded voice was
done and the beep had sounded, I would say back to the machine in the best
"telephone-answering-machine-voice":  "Hello, I'm sorry I can't talk to your
answering machine right now, but if you'd care to answer you phone once in a
while I would call you more often.  Thank you...BEEEEP!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A friend of mine had an answering machine that came on and merely said-
 
     "This is an intelligence tests.  Ready.  Begin.  <beep>"
 
It usually threw people for a loop the first time they called, and
solicited an occassionally clever response.  There were a few
people that never did figure it out.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"My friend has an answering machine on his car phone. The message says"
"Hi. I can't come to the phone because I'm home right now, but if you
leave a message I'll call you when I'm out."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
My favorites from _No Hang-Ups_ by John Carfi & Cliff Carle (CCC
Publications, 20306 Tau Pl., Chatsworth CA 91311 (c) 1984.  ISBN 0-
918259-00-2:
 
(Rod Serling imitation): "You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world
without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode.
You see a signpost up ahead-- this is no ordinary telephone answering
device... you have reached `The Twilight Phone.'                  BEEP
---
 
Hi.  This is <     >.  I can't answer the phone now because I'm over
at <Stereotypical Ethnic Name>'s house.  Me and five other guys are
helping him replace a lightbulb.                                  BEEP
---
 
Hello.  This is <   >.  And now, a joke for the deaf: ...........
 
              BEEP
---
 
Hi.  This is <   >.  Please leave your name and number--
But first, a short algebra quiz:  How much is 5Q + 5Q?
(pause while caller thinks: "10Q")
You're welcome!                                                   BEEP
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Bad Picard imitation: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings,
               Lieutenant.
 
Bad Worf imitation: Scanning, Captain. <pause> Strange...no life-forms.
 
Bad Picard imitation: Recommendations, Mr. Data.
 
Bad Data imitation: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a
             message.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
My answering machine recording goes like this:
 
The first thing you hear is very loud music. In the background, you
can hear me say:
 
"hello... (pause, more loud music) HELLO!!..."
"HANG ON A MINUTE, I'M GOING TO TURN THE MUSIC DOWN!!"
 
a short pause while I walk over to the stereo and turn it down.
 
When I come back...
 
"You know, I'm kind of busy anyway, so why don't you just leave a message
after the beep"     BEEEEEEP!
 
BTW, only true friends and people who want money tend to leave a message. The
rest get so confused that they hang up.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
For a while there, before she regained her senses, my sister was
married to a Georgia redneck.  When they bought an answering machine,
it befell upon me (the only one in the family with any mechanical
abilities) to record their message for them.  Since I didn't like
the redneck in question, I thought I would leave a message he'd be
*sure* to want to change.  In my deepest, roughest southern drawl
I said:
    "You have reached Redneck Central.  Wish you damn
     Yankees would call when we's home!  But seein's
     how you didn't, just leave yore name 'n' number,
     and we'll talk about ya before we call!"
 
This sort of backfired, though; the redneck in question *liked* it!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I am told that MIT used to have a phone system which would play the
following message when someone called an unused extension:
 
"Hello, you have reached an imaginary number.  Please rotate your phone
by 90 degrees and try again.  Thank you."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A company where I used to work had two lines coming into the
computer room.  One was for employee use and the other was
for the computer.  It was hooked to a modem which in turn was
connected to a telephone (in case we had to manually dial a
remote site).  The number for that line was unlisted, and was
used for outgoing calls only, but occassionally someone would
call *in* on that line.  So we took to answering that phone
by saying, "I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The most unusual phone call I ever made was about 15 years ago.  I had just
walked in the door of the house and heard the D.J. announce a 'be-the-tenth-
caller-and-win-a-$5.00-gift-certificate-to-Pizza-Hut' contest.  I grabbed
the phone and dialed the number automatically.
 
Voice:  "RING -- click -- Hi!  Congratulations!  You're the ninth caller!"
 
Me:  "All right!" -- (Wait a minute -- he said 'tenth' on the radio...)
 
Voice:  "You've just won yourself the latest album from the Brothers Johnson!
         Can I get your name and address, and we'll mail it right out to you!"
 
Me:  "...but...OK, that's John [...]  Thanks."
 
Voice:  "Bye!"
 
I had called MY radio station, but my sister had HER radio station playing.
I was kind of mad...I wanted the Pizza Hut Gift Certificate more.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
NEW YORK (AP) -- Seventy-two percent of Americans who believe in
Heaven rate their chances of going there as good to excellent, but
many say their friends' chances are considerably worse, according to a
new poll.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
A San Francisco man -- wearing a full uniform and carrying a handgun
-- impersonated a state fish and game warden for three months,
checking licenses, issuing citations and confiscating fish, officials
say.  Brian Anthony Young told The Examiner that he posed as a game
warden out of "boredom and drugs."  He said he inspected more than 200
fishermen, boats, restaurants and stores.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
At an Oklahoma rally for Republican Senator Don Nickles, Reagan urged
his listeners to support the re-election of Don Rickles.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
New Delhi, India (AP) -- Police kept 3,000 residents of a southern
Indian village indoors Sunday and put up roadblocks to enforce a
government ban on nude worship of a Hindu deity.
     The commission that banned the festival was set up after a
confrontation a year ago between opponents of nude worship and the
naked devotees.  Members of the pro-modesty faction tried to clothe
the worshippers, but were instead stripped by the devotees.
     Several policemen and some journalists were also stripped, which
contributed to a state-wide protest.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
The "Metropolitan Indians" of Italy produced parodies of posters and
graffiti in an attempt to expose the reality behind the empty
sloganizing of the Communists and the Italian Left parties.  Examples
from 1972 include:  "LONG LIVE SACRIFICE", "BOSSES' POWER", "MORE
WORK, LESS PAY", and "ALL POWER TO THE DROMEDARIAT."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of
Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend
Albert de Salve for his unselfish service to "his country, his state
and his community."
     The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's
dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the
lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of
concern for their future.  He has been officially recognized by the
state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional
techniques involving population control and applied psychology."
     The resolutiobn was passed unanimously.
     Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the
motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often
without reading them or understanding what they say.  Albert de Salvo
was the Boston Strangler.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
When a street procession re-enacting the crucifixion (Easter, 1984)
was halted by traffic in west London, a group of local youths
surrounded the actor playing Jesus, cut loose his ropes, told him to
run for it and said that they would cover his getaway.
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
In the autumn of 1983 a tape recording of a telephone conversation
between President Reagan and Prime Minister Thatcher was sent
anonynmously to newspapers in various parts of the world.  A covering
note claimed that the tape was a recording of a crossed line on which
was heard part of the two leaders' telephone conversation.
     In January, 1984 the story was taken up by the Sunday Times and
the San Francisco Chronicle.  The Sunday Times described the tape as
part of a KGB propaganda war.  The U.S. State Department said that the
tape was evidence of "an increasingly sophisticated Russian
disinformation campaign."
     In fact the tape was made by members of the anarchist punk rock
group Crass.  The tape had been produced by using parts of T.V. and
radio broadcasts made by the two leaders, then overdubbed with
telephone noises.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    From the Tuesday, July 18, 1989 L.A. Times Sports Section,
    Morning Briefing Collum;
 
    Truth Is, You Have to See It to Believe It
 
    Were the Dean brothers as zany as their nicknames, Dizzy and
    Daffy? Some say they weren't, but Grantland Rice told of a
    time Daffy was swigging on a soda pop as a train carrying the
    St. Louis Cardinals entered a long tunnel.
 
    Rice said he overheard this exchange between the brothers:
 
    Daffy: "Diz, you tried any of this stuff?"
 
    Dizzy: "Just fixin' to. Why?"
 
    Daffy: "Don't! I just did, and I've gone plumb blind."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(This an original text that I just happen to spout spontaniously at about 3:00am
the other night.  Hope you like it.  -- David Crist)
____________________________________________________
 
DAVID'S TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN
 
In this world, there are two sets of women: women that you would love to be
with, and women that would love to be with you.  THERE IS NO UNION OF THESE
TWO SETS.
 
Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that you are
the best friend that a woman could ever have.
 
Being told that you are nice is:
    the equivalent to her saying, "I wish that you were my brother."
    a curse.
    her way of saying that "I hope we can just be friends.
 
Only beautiful women who are engaged or engaged to be engaged or married or
your mother's best friend will think that you are a wonderful person that any
woman would die for.
 
These same women will be completely dumbfounded at the revelation that you
don't go out with a hundred women a week.  Much less one.
 
When a woman says "No!" she really means "Yes!" -- except, of course, when she
means "NO!"
 
Unless you make over a million dollars a year, you must completely ignore and
demean a woman to gain her affection.  If you completely disregard her
existence, she'll die for you.
 
The degree of subtlety used by a woman is inversely proportional to how
attracted you are to her.  If you are absolutely in love with everything about
her, her hints will amount to, "I really like your roommates new shoes."  If
you have no attraction to her what-so-ever, she will ask you to come spend a
week with her in the Bahamas.
 
A woman will confide in you that she slept with your best friend and that he
treated her like dirt afterwards.  She will go on-and-on for hours, until she
builds up enough nerve to ask him out again.
 
Every woman that you meet that you are instantly attracted to will be:
    Married,
    heavily dating the same guy for the 3rd year,
    my brother's ex-girlfriend.
 
A "Taken" woman will tell you that you are a great-looking guy, but that looks
don't matter anyway and that she'd go out with you if she wasn't already
dating someone.
 
"Taken" women are the only women capable of understanding your wonderful sense
of humor, you amazing musical talent, your tremendous sensitivity, and
gracious generosity.
 
A Woman will talk to you about a certain guy that they think is a real jerk,
wondering what any Woman would see in him, and then ask you to set them up.
 
Women will absolutely drive you crazy and seemingly make no sense.
 
Women will confuse you and make you distraught.
 
Women are the most wonderful things in the entire world.  They are the most
precious element that the world could ever know.  Everything from the way
they look to the way they talk to the way the move, walk, sigh, gesture,
dance, smile, laugh, cuddle, squeeze, tease, hug, caress, smell, taste --  is
fantastic.
 
