From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 17-AUG-1990 09:27:08.17
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Subj:	Notes from Henry found inside a Klein bottle :-)

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Notes from Henry found inside a Klein bottle :-)
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T-SHIRTS:
 
-What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.
 
 
-I'd  rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a
plane built by the post office.
 
 
-Money  can't  buy happiness but it can certainly rent it  for  a
couple of hours.
 
 
-The  knack  of flying is learning how to throw yourself  at  the
ground and miss.
                              Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxie
 
 
-I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
 
 
 
-Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
 
 
-I used to be lost in the shuffle.  Now I just shuffle along with
the lost.
 
 
-Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
 
 
-If I follow you home will you keep me?
 
 
-A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
 
 
-Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
        if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
        question back at him.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
                -- Sean O'Casey
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
                -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Collecting Redundancies:
 
Criminal Lawyers
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.  To his surprise,
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.  The lawyer said, "I don't
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
 
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were
going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.  Naturally,
the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH
presented some very good reasons for the switch.
 
1)  The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.  This
    emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.
    No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2)  Lawyers breed faster.
3)  Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't
    jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4)  There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results
to human beings.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the
heat started to make even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable.
St. Peter got Satan on the horn and yelled, "You'd better
fix that immediately or I'll sue."
 
    On hearing that Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have
all the lawyers down here. And besides, how can fix it when
you have all the good engineers?"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
  A few years ago, a young gentleman murdered his parents.
 
  Did he go to jail?
 
     A small law firm took it upon itself to defend the man's right to a
     fair trial.  Well, they did a little more than that.  They stalled,
     they filed motions, they stalled, they entered all manner of
     "evidence", the asked irrelevent questions, they stalled some more,
     they misrepresented the claims of the prosecution.  In short, they
     confused the jury.  You lawyers know the tricks better than I ever
     hope to.
 
 
  What was the result?
 
     The young gentleman won his case.  But, the case isn't all he won.
     He also received his inheritance, from the aforementioned deceased
     parents, of over $2 million.
 
 
  How do I know this?
 
     My girlfriend was working in the San Mateo police crime lab at the
     time.  She participated in the collection of the evidence for this
     case.  Two of the defense attorneys were sitting at our table at
     dinner last Tuesday after our hockey game; that's how it came up.
     They admitted to her (after the case, not Tuesday) that THEY KNEW
     HE WAS GUILTY!
 
 
  Why am I saying this?
 
     I don't mean to condemn all lawyers.  There are some well motivated
     individuals in this profession.  I write this to help Mr.  Giardina
     understand why people write "1989 Hunting Rules for Lawyers".
     (Which I think is amusing.) I understand that the legal system is a
     horrendous mess, and this does not make it easier for
     well-intentioned lawyers.  But, the lawyers in this case responded
     to the situation in a manner all too common these days.  I think
     Mr.  Giardina's umbrage would be more productively spent on
     cleaning the wolves out of what would otherwise be a respectable
     profession.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
US citizen - ET contact legal penalties:
 
I have received requests for the citation which covers the
illegal aspects of man-ET encounters.  I am quoting here from the
enigmatic KRILL document previously posted here.
 
"Dr. Brian T. Clifford (Pentagon) announced 10-5-82 that cases of
citizen-extraterrestrial contact were illegal under Title 14,
Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations (and adopted
7-16-69, a few days before the first moon landing).  The Code
specifies up to a year in jail and a 5000 dollar fine.  The NASA
authorities can examine you to determine if you have been "ET
exposed", and can impose an indefinite quarantine which cannot be
broken, even by court order."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989.
The poet is anonymous because, to quote the IRS spokesman,
"anything that's sent to the IRS is classified as confidential".
 
    I think that I shall never see
    a tax form plain e-nough for me.
    A form that I can understand
    without a lawyer near at hand
    to guide this poor benighted me
    so I won't owe a pen-al-ty.
 
    A form that I will not detest
    or take as more than awful jest.
    A form with pages I can read
    and fill out ea-si-ly with speed.
    Such forms weren't made for fools like me
    Nor even God, who made a tree.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
 Foreigners shouldn't feel bad about people in the States not knowing
 much about other countries...
 
 Hell, there is people in the US that think folks from New Mexico need
 a passport and a visa to get into this country.
 
The IRS thought that the former governor of New Mexico was a foreign national
living outside the U.S.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
When I worked for the Infernal Revenue (Dis)Service (about 15 years ago),
a bunch of us pooled our paychecks (after withholding) and bought a money
order for $1.49.  Then we wrote up an *obviously* phony AMENDED return in
the name of "Hu Flung Dung, #2 Cresent Moon Drive, Pottyville, NY" and
submitted it with a letter saying that the "taxpayer" had found an error
in his calculations and was making amends.  As if that weren't funny
enough, when the IRS receives an amended return *with money*, they are
required -- by their own rules -- to continue searching *until they find
the original*.  Forever.  Across the entire country.  (They're probably
still looking.)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The U.S. Constitution divides the federal government into three equal branches:
 
1. Humongous departments set up for purposes that no individual taxpayer
would ever in a million years voluntarily spend money on.
 
2. Humongous departments set up for purposes that probably made a lot of
sense originally, but nobody can remember what they are.
 
3. Statuary
 
This separation of powers creates a system of checks and balances, which
protects everybody by ensuring that any action taken by one part of the
 government
will be rendered utterly meaningless by an equal and opposite reaction from
some other part.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A U.S. Army survival manual tells how a stranded serviceman should deal
with the inhabitants of wherever he is:
 
"Be respectful of their personal property, especially their women."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
[From the World's Best Aussie Jokes]
 
    Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously
outside the maternity ward where his wife was producing their
first baby. As he paced the floor, a nurse popped her head round
the door.
 
    "You've a little boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think
you'd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be
another!"
 
    Max turned a little pale and left. Some time later, he rang
the hospital and was told he was the father of twins.
 
    "But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the
way. Ring back again in a little while."
 
    At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough.
He ordered a few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a
3rd baby had arrived and a fourth was imminent.
 
    Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double
scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in
such a state that he dialed the wrong number and got the recorded
cricket score.
 
    When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the
recording was still going strong: "The score is 96 all out, and the
last one was a duck."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    This came form a news clipping someone gave me, don't know what
    paper it came from. Hope you enjoy.
 
************************************
                                  NEW FLASH
 
On April 15, the Public Health Department of the State of New Jersey shocked
the nation by declaring that television can cause brain damage in rats
 
It based its claim on an exhaustive 10 day study during witch six European
brown rats had their cages placed directly in front of a TV receiver that
operated 24 hours a day. By the end of the testy period, three of the rats had
become chronically aggressive, two had taken to walking on their hind legs,
and the sixth just lay in a corner of the cage with his paws covering his
eyes.
 
Scientists and health officials from other states have tried to discredit the
New Jersey findings, but their attitudes are obviously motivated by
professional jealousy. How else can you regard attacks such as "the sample size
was too small", "European rats don't understand American television," or " it
was a scientifically unbalanced sample; they should have had some black rats
and some white rats as well. "
 
These opposing views notwithstanding, the Federal Government is expected to
take action any day now. Informed sources say that this will take the form of
a complete ban on the sale of television sets, except those people who have a
doctor's prescription. Rumors persist, however, that the Government will
instead make it illegal for anyone to watch television while sitting in a
cage.
 
Regardless of the specifics, any Government action will have a decided effect
not only on the television industry, but also on the hundreds of component
manufactures who serve it.
 
As if all this isn't enough, our sources tell us the the New Jersey Department
of Health is considering using its rats to look into the safety aspects of
microprocessors, LED displays, and flat-flexible cable.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
                         ORAL EXAMINATION PROCEDURE
 
 
     The purposes of an oral examination are few and simple. In these
brief notes the purposes are set forth and practical rules for
conducting an oral examination are given. Careful attention to the
elementary rules is necessary in order to assure a truly successful
examination. From the standpoint of each individual examiner the basic
purposes of the oral examination are: to make that examiner appear
smarter and trickier than either the examinee or other examiners,
thereby preserving his self-esteem; and to crush the examinee, thereby
avoiding the messy and time-wasting problem of post-examination
judgement and decision.
 
 
     Both of these aims can be realized through diligent application
of the following timetested rules:
 
1.  Before beginning the examination, make it clear to the examinee
    that his whole professional career may turn on his performance.
    Stress the importance and formality of the occasion. Put him in his
    proper place at the outset.
 
2.  Throw out your hardest question first. (This is very important. If
    your first question is sufficiently difficult or involved, he will
    be too rattled to answer subsequent questions, no matter how simple
    they may be.)
 
3.  Be reserved and stern in addressing the examinee. For contrast, be
    very jolly with the other examiners. A very efficient device is to
    make humorous comments to the other examiners about the examinees
    performance; comments which tend to exclude him and set him apart
    (as though he were not present in the room).
 
4.  Make him do it your way, especially if your way is esoteric.
    Constrain him. Impose many limitations and qualifications in each
    question. The idea is to complicate an otherwise simple problem.
 
5.  Force him into a trivial error and then let him puzzle over it for
    as long as possible. Just after he sees his mistake but just before
    he has a chance to explain it, correct him yourself, disdainfully.
    This takes real perception and timing, which can only be acquired
    with some practice.
 
6.  When he finds himself deep in a hole, never lead him out. Instead,
    sigh, and shift to a new subject.
 
7.  Ask him snide questions, such as, "Didn't you learn that in Freshman
    Calculus?"
 
8.  Do not permit him to ask you clarifying questions. Never repeat or
    clarify your own statement of the problem. Tell him not to think out
    loud, what you want is the answer.
 
9.  Every few minutes, ask him if he is nervous.
 
10. Station yourself and the other examiners so that the examinee cannot
    really face all of you  at once. This enables you to bracket him
    with a sort of binaural crossfire. Wait until he turns away from you
    toward someone else, and then ask him a short direct question. With
    proper coordination among the examiners it is possible under
    favorable conditions to spin the examinee through several complete
    revolutions. This has the same effect as item 2 above.
 
11. Wear dark glasses. Inscrutability is unnerving.
 
12. Terminate the examination by telling the examinee, "Don't call us;
    we will call you."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(This definitely calls for Dave Barry's standard line:  "I'm not making this
up!  But I have the ad in my office if you're a disbeliever.)
 
FROSTY PAWS
 
New  The world's first frozen treat for dogs!
 
It's not ice cream, but your dog will think it is.
 
Ever give your dog some ice cream?  Then you know how happy your pet can
be.  But real ice cream isn't good for your dog, because he can't digest
the lactose (milk sugar) in dairy products.  So now there is "Frosty Paws!"
 Cold, refreshing and nutritious.  With the same creamy texture as ice cream
- and a taste dogs really love.
 
You can feel good about giveing your dog a cup of wholesome Frosty Paws.
 He'll show you how much he loves it - and you!
 
