From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall"  1-AUG-1990 13:16:48.17
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Subj:	Another bit if Henry Cate III's archive

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Another bit if Henry Cate III's archive
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Steve Wright:
 
When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox.  I was an only
child... eventually.
 
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
 
I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.
 
I used to have a dog.  I named him Stay.  When he was little,
I used to confuse him.  "Come here, Stay.  Come here, Stay."
Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
 
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
 
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road;
I don't know how I got there.
 
I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are furious!
 
I play the harmonica.  the only way I can play is if I get my car going
really fast, and stick it out the window.
 
I replaced the headlights in my car with stobe lights, so it looks like
I'm the only one moving.
 
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now
my car goes 500 miles per hour.  the harmonica sounds *AMAZING*.
 
  I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me "If
I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
 
  My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really notice,
except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph.
 
Once I took a pair of contact lenses and painted little cats on them.  I
put them on my dog and he went crazy.  Then I took one out and he ran in
circles....
 
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it
pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you
doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your life!"
 
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.  I
said "the whole time".
 
If  you were driving at the speed of light and put your headlights on, would
they do  anything?
 
I can remember the first time I  had to go to sleep.  Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep"
I said "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."
So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.
My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
 
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking
like an idiot."
 
I like to stand in the shower with the plug in and pretend I'm in a
sinking submarine.
 
-What's the soup du jour?
 I don't know, but they have it everyday!
 
  I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet
in the shape of a ouigi board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want
and the table would move across the floor to it.
 
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see
the stop sign."
I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
 
The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean.
Can you imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
 
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.
 
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
 
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for
just a second.
 
I was once walking through the forest alone.  A tree fell right in
front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
 
They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning... (picks up
his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to live on the edge...
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
License plate on a Suzuki Samurai:  RDYTORLL
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Are all art majors different life forms?
 
Can you catch a computer Virus from the keyboard?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"The DNA genetic system is the one library in which it is worthwhile to browse"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"You mean, you put down your rock, and I put down my sword, and we try to kill
each other like civilized people?"  --The Princess Bride
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
`With the splitting of the atom, everything has changed save for our mode
 of thinking' A. Eienstein
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Heard on Sacramento NPR: "Today the pollution standard index is 42,
which is in the 'good' category. Tomorrow the forecast is 42, which
is also good."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A new product on the market:
 
"Mall Walkers," a $79 pair of sneakers "specially designed" JUST for walking
in shopping malls.  (Need I say more?)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
  ..so when the machine truncates
  excess bits, it throws them under
  the raised floor." -- Fred Felber
  (so THAT's why there are raised
   floors in computer rooms...)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Eight years ago, when I was a junior-high rat in Australia, my friend
got a brand new Tom Smith brand computer (compatible with the TRaSh-80
model 1).  He got a few games with it and we played them for an hour.
Then he started looking really worried and said we had to turn the
computer off because we were wasting K!
 
Some people just don't understand memory...
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A professor spilled cranberry juice on his floppy disk.  He
immediately put the disk into the drive on his Apple II so that he
could save the data.  The Apple is now in the repair shop.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
>From Forbes magazine:
 
Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya
using Samburu tribesmen.  The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks,
in native Maa.  As he speaks, the Nike slogan "Just do it" appears on the
 screen.
 
Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinatti, says the Kenyan
is really saying, "I don't want these. Give me big shoes."  Says Nike's
 Elizabeth
Dolan, "We though nobody in America would know what he said."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
   A long time ago, Sebastian Bach took a Christmas vacation in Australia.
As he was fond of travelling, he decided to go across the western part of
the continent. Now, the only mode of conveyance was by a camel. So, Bach
stopped at a Hurts Rent-a-Camel joint to, er, rent a camel.
 
Unfortunately, because it was spring break all the camels had been rented.
However, there was one camel that had just been purchased. This had not yet
been broken, and so was almost impossible to ride. The process of taming a
camel normally took about a week, with the carrot-and-stick approach.
 
Bach felt that he could tame the camel by soothing its spirits with music.
He played a beautiful sonata, but the camel was still belligerent. As none
of his music seemed to work, he tried playing the music of some of the other
composers. Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Beethoven..., nothing seemed to work. Finally
Bach played a piece from Struass, and the camel was immediately subdued.
 
       It was the last Strauss that broke Bach's camel.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
     There was this man with a horrible crick in his back. He went
     from doctor to doctor trying to get it fixed. Finally, a quack
     told him to shimmy up a paddle. (You heard right, a paddle!)
     So the man, in desperation climbs a paddle. Miracle of miracles,
     it worked! I guess he was up a paddle without a crick.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I'm reminded to some extent of the story of how after the Wright
brothers first flew, they were virtually ignored by the world at
large, and particularly the scientific community, who had seen so many
hoaxes and failed attempts.  Then a few years later a respected
European scientist was travelling through Ohio, when in the fields
near Dayton he saw this huge creature in the air.  "My God, what is
that thing?"  The reply: "Oh, it's just those crazy Wright boys and
their flying machine." ...
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
  WELL THERE WERE TWO NEWFIES HITCH-HIKING DOWN THE ROAD ON A SCOARCHING
DAY WHEN TWO MEN IN A TRUCK STOPPED TO GIVE THEM A LIFT. THE NEWFIES
JUMPED IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK AND THE TRUCK SPED OFF GAINING SPEED ALL
THE TIME.  THE DRIVER HEADED UP A HILL, BUT DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THE SHARP
TURN AT THE TOP, RIGHT NEXT TO A LAKE.  THE TRUCK SPED OVER THE HILL AND
CRASHED INTO THE LAKE.  THE DRIVER AND HIS PASSENGER MADE IT TO SHORE
SAFELY AND WAITED FOR THE TWO NEWFIES.  AFTER A WHILE THEY GREW
CONCERNED AND WERE ABOUT TO GO IN AFTER THEM WHEN THEY SURFACED AND SWAM
SWAM TO SHORE. THE DRIVER ASKED THE TWO WHAT HAD TAKEN THEM SO LONG. THE
NEWFIES REPLIED THAT THEY HAD A DIFFICULT TIME GETTING THE TAIL-GATE
DOWN !!!!!!!!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
  THERE ONCE WAS THREE MEN WORKING ON THE CONSTRUCTION OF A HIGH-RISE,A
CHINESE MAN, A MEXICAN , AND A NEWFIE. WHEN LUNCH TIME CAME THE MEXICAN
OPENED HIS LUNCH BOX AND SAID "TACOS!TACOS!TACOS! IF I HAVE TACOS IN MY
LUNCH TOMORROW I'M JUST GOING TO THROW IT OVER THE SIDE." THEN THE
CHINAMAN OPENED HIS LUNCHBOX AND SAID "FRIED RICE! FRIED RICE! FRIED
RICE! ALL I EVER GET IS FRIED RICE! IF I HAVE FRIED  RICE TOMORROW I AM
JUST GOING TO THROW IT OVER THE SIDE." THEN THE NEWFIE OPENS HIS LUNCH,
"BALONEY SANDWICHES! BALONEY SANDWICHES! BALONEY SANDWICHES! ALL I EVER
GET IS BALONEY SANDWICHES. IF I HAVE BALONEY SANDWICHES AGAIN TOMORROW
I'M JUST GOING TO THROW IT OVER THE SIDE.
  THE NEXT DAY THE MEXICAN OPENS HIS LUNCH, "TACOS", SO HE FLINGS HIS
LUNCH AS FAR AS HE CAN THROW IT. THEN THE CHINAMAN OPENS HIS LUNCH"FRIED
RICE" SO HE FLINGS HIS LUNCH AS FAR AS HE CAN. SO FOLLOWING LEAD THE
NEWFIE FLINGS HIS LUNCH OVER THE SIDE WITHOUT CHECKING TO SEE WHAT WAS
INSIDE.
  WHEN THE  OTHER TWO MEN SEE THIS THEY INQUIRE TO WHY HE DID NOT CHECK
TO SEE WHAT WAS IN HIS LUNCH. THEN THE NEWFIE REPLYED "HEY I SHOULD
KNOW WHAT I HAVE, I PACK MY OWN LUNCH........"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Salman Rushdie one-liners
 
>From the San Francisco _Chronicle_ Datebook section, March 5, 1989,
"'The Satanic Verses' -- Comics Laugh It Off"
 
(The names are Bay Area or nationally-known stand-up comics...)
 
"Khomeini's idea of 'opening up to the West' means allowing
non-Muslims to hunt Rushdie." --Don Stevens
 
[Commenting on small nightclub crowd] "This looks like a Salman
Rushdie book-signing party"  --Fred Reiss
 
"If Rushdie's book got Khomeini mad, wait till he sees the swimsuit
edition of the Koran."  --Johnny Carson
 
[Shaking his head] "...and wait until Khomeini finds out Safeway
carries pork."  --Bob Lacey
 
[Answering machine tape] "We're not here right now; we've gone to
England to kill Salman Rushdie."  --Alex Reid
 
"I translated 'The Satanic Verses' into Spanish, and now there's a
10 million-peso price on my head.  What an insult; I"m worth more than
a nickel."  --Jose' Simon
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say
you are "going Dutch," since the Dutch are well known for their
frugality.  The Dutch, on the other hand, call the same arrangement
"op z'n Amerikaans" (going American) because the Americans are
known for their egalitarian nature!
 
In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from Turkey.
In Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from "Hindistan",
which is Turkish for India.  (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on
the Hindi name of a turkey?)
 
French fries aren't really French.  In fact, they were invented by the
English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French call
them "pommes frites" or "fried apples [of the earth]".
 
In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankforters.
In Frankfort, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Define your terms for software releases
 
 
Advanced User:  A person who has managed to remove a computer from its
                packing materials.
 
Power User:  A person who has mastered the brightness and contrast controls
             on any computer monitor.
 
American Made:  Assembled in America from parts made abroad.
 
Alpha Test Version:  Too buggy to be released to the paying public.
 
Beta Test Version:  Still too buggy to be released.
 
Release Version:  Alternate pronunciation of "Beta Test Version".
 
Sales Manager:  Last week's new sales associate.
 
Consultant:  A former sales associate who has mastered at least one tenth
             of the dBase III Plus Manual.
 
Systems Integrator:  A former consultant who understands the term AUTOEXEC.BAT.
 
AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT hard disks into
              performing properly.
 
Backup:  The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make;
         used only in the abstract.
 
Clone:  One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is beginning to
        wish it had built.
 
Convertible:  Transformable from a second-rate computer to a first-rate
              doorstop or paperweight.  (Replaces the term "junior".)
 
Copy Protection:  A clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from
                  stealing software and legitimate customers from using it.
 
Database Manager:  A program that allows users to manipulate data in every
                   conceivable way except the absolutely essential way they
                   conceive of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw data.
 
EMS:  Emergency Medical Service;  often summoned in cases of apoplexy induced
      by attempts to understand extended, expanded, or enhanced memory specs.
 
Encryption:  A powerful algorithmic encoding technique employed in the creation
             of computer manuals.
 
FCC-Certified:  Guaranteed not to interfere with radio or television reception
                until you add the cable that is required to make it work.
 
Hard Disk:  A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of data with
            simple mnemonic commands.
 
Integrated Software:  A single product that deftly performs hundreds of
                      functions that the user never needs and awkwardly
                      performs the half-dozen he uses constantly.
 
Laptop:  Smaller and lighter than the average breadbox.
 
Multitasking:  A clever method of simultaneously slowing down the multitude
               of computer programs that insist on running too fast.
 
Network:  An electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to
          corrupt, trash, and otherwise cause permanent damage to useful
          information.
 
Portable:  Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
 
Support:  The mailing of advertising literature to customers who have returned
          a registration card.
 
Transportability:  Neither chained to a wall or attached to an alarm system.
 
Printer:  An electromechnical paper shredding device.
 
Spreadsheet:  A program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide
              variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate
              assumptions.
 
Thought Processor:  An eletronic version of the intended outline procedure
                    that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation
                    from high school.
 
Upgraded:  Didn't work the first time.
 
User Friendly:  Supplied with a full color manual.
 
Very User Friendly:  Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user need
                     not bother with the full color manual.
 
Version 1.0:  Buggier than Maine in June;  eats data.
 
Version 1.1:  Eats data only occasionally; upgrade is free, to avoid litigation
              by disgruntled users of Version 1.0.
 
Version 2.0:  The version originally planned as the first release, except for
              a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away;
              no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt.
 
Version 3.0:  The revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt.
 
Videotex:  A moribund electronic service offering people the privelege of
           paying to read the weather on their television screens instead of
           having Willard Scott read it to them free while they brush their
           teeth.
 
Warranty:  Disclaimer.
 
Workstation:  A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe that does
              not offer game programs.
 
 
 
       (The previous list of terms was furnished by copied from the
         Government Computer News, November 21, 1988 issue.  The
           original data was provided by the WIC Connection.)
