From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 25-JUL-1990 19:07:09.71
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Subj:	More (mostly) funny stuff from Henry Cate III

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: More (mostly) funny stuff from Henry Cate III
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If I sent this file before, I apologize, but I don't believe I did because
it came in after Joe asked for (was that a 'nose count' or did he count
hands and divide by two :-) expressions of interest.
 
In truth, everything in Henry's archive isn't really funny, but most of
it is more funny than questions about where to find a list discussing
VMS (which some folks tell me IS a joke ;-)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
     An Irishman joins Alcoholics Anonymous so he can drink under an
assumed name....
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q:   You know why there aren't any Idaho pharmacists???
A:   They can't figure out how to get those little bottles in the typewritter.
 
Q:   Calculate what day Easter Sunday will be on in 2001???
A:   BRUNETTE:   April 15
A:   BLONDE:     Sunday
 
Q:   Today is Friday the 13th are you superstitious???
A:   BRUNETTE:   No
A:   BLONDE:     No, I'm Methodist.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
QUESTION.....Why don't we work on Labor Day????
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	I used to work for a Fortune 500 company, referred to hereafter
as X***x to preserve anonymity and protect the guilty.  As recently as
three years ago, they found themselves in the unfortunate position
of still having a huge inventory of X***x 820's on hand--  a horrible
little 64k CPM machine.  So they decided to try to unload them by
selling them to employees at the special discount of about $2000--  extra
if you wanted the 10-meg hard disk.  Many people were foolish enough
to actually _buy_ the things at that price; a year later, the rest were
available from a salvage firm for about $100.00.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
When talking to my brother on the phone, I griped that our
 mother complains about how infrequently she sees my kids
 but never comes to visit, even though it's only a $200
 plane ticket.  My brother's response....
 
  "Yes, but you don't need *any* ticket for a _guilt_ trip".
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"It is a damn poor mind indeed which can't think of at least
     two ways to spell any word."
            Andrew Jackson, 1833
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
You can fool all of the people some of the
time, and some of the people all of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself any time.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
 A FRIEND IN NEED IS A PEST INDEED
 
 A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET
 
 A MAN'S HOUSE IS HIS HASSLE
 
 A PENNY SAVED IS RIDICULOUS
 
 AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE, USUALLY MORE IS SAID THAN DONE
 
 AN AUTHORITY KNOWS LOTS OF THINGS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT
 
 BUILD SOMETHING FOOLPROOF AND EVERY FOOL WILL USE IT
 
 CAN YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE AIR WAS CLEAN AND SEX WAS DIRTY
 
 CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL, BUT BAD FOR THE CAREER
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
On the "accidental" bombing of the French Embassy during the United States
raid of Libya:
 
    "Oops.  Well, we're just soooo sorry.  Our pilots were tired.....Maybe,
     if they didn't have to fly all the way around Europe, they wouldn't
     have been that tired..."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
     Roses are reddish, violets are bluish.
     If it wasn't for Easter we all would be Jewish.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Well, the Pentagon has been spending $800 for a hammer, and $650 for a
screwdriver.  The other day, I got a notice from the IRS (Internal Revenue
Service...) saying that I owed $17,000.
 
I sent them a Black and Decker Circular Saw and told them to keep the change.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
        I'm very worried. A friend of mine recently tried to commit
suicide. Luckily, he's dyslexic and he jumped _behind_ a bus.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Jake Johansen (a local comic)
-------------
   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
   "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.  I replied
   in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
   have to kill you too."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    Is it true that Mickey Mouse has been seen wearing a Dan Quayle
    wristwatch?????
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    Four men were in a boat, and they had five cigarettes but no matches
    or lighters.  Do you know how they finally lit up??
 
    They threw one of the cigarettes overboard, making the boat
    a cigarette lighter.....  (GRoan.....)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q:  What does the Enterprise run on?
A:  Spock plugs.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Computers run because they have smoke built into them.
When the smoke gets out, the computer stops working.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I recall an incident that aired on C-SPAN during the campaign where a
senator walked up to the podium to deliver a speech in support of
George Bush.  On the way across the stage, he tripped on a cord, knocking
over a lamp.  He brought down the house, saying "Looks like there's only
999 points of light now."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One of my engineering profs was from Egypt.  He was an agreeable
fellow but his teaching style was vomitorious and his English was
unintelligible. One day he announced an exam for February 2.  One guy
shouted in an astonished tone, "BUT THAT'S GROUNDHOG DAY!!"
 
"Vot? Iss zees a releegious holiday?" he asked.
 
We strung him along for several minutes.  He finally caught onto the
joke and laughed with us.  We were ultimately saved by the outbreak of
war between Egypt and Israel; he suddenly quit and went home.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
10 or 15 years ago there was a game show whose name escapes me (though I
remember the 'host' was Gene Rayburn).  Whenever the show needed a <generic
ethnic> they used 'Neoslabovian' (no doubt misspelled, if a spelling even
exists).  It suggested a certain Slavic doltishness without offending any
single group.
 
ob joke:
 
Did you hear about our new foreign aid package?  We're giving the Neoslabovians
10,000 septic tanks.
 
As soon as they learn to drive them they're going to invade Russia.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	A second famous newscaster (Dan Rather, I believe) was assigned
to cover the smashing of several cases of illegal whiskey.  The sheriff and
mayor are on hand as the largest deputy climbs up on the platform withh
a massive sledge hammer.  He begins to break bottle after bottle until a
small river is formed from the liquid.  Being the intrepid young reporter
that he was, he climbed down and squatted next to the river and took a
taste of the liquid.  He knew immediatly that it was water, which he
pointed out quite loudly.  The people agreed and the sheriff, mayor, and
deputy did not fare well after the investigation as to what happened to the
Whiskey!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I used to work for Visual Technology, a company that was growing faster
than crabgrass until they decided to jump on the PC bandwagon.  They went
into hock purchasing a company that made a (very bad) PC clone they called
the "Commuter".  Nobody in the marketplace trusted Visual's reputation as
it applied to PCs, so very few people actually *bought* the Commuters.
For the most part, the Commuters sat on shelves in the stockroom, being
sold in dribs and drabs.  After a while (a *long* while), Visual wised up
and stopped producing the Commuters.
 
Well, along came JVC, the wholesale clearance house.  They knew a mediocre
thing when they saw it, so they ordered 10,000 Commuters, to sell at way
below cost.  The problem was, Visual didn't *have* 10,000 Commuters, so
they had to stop production of the things that were actually making money
and retool the production line to crank out thousands of Commuters that
weren't going to generate any profit.  What seemed like a good way to clean
out the stockroom turned into a fiasco: they lost money building the extra
Commuters, and they missed the deadlines on the equipment they *should*
have been making.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Reminds me of the story of the astronauts being interviewed as they were
exiting from the space capsule.  When Commander Blake was asked to comment
on his experience, he said "The sight was just incredible! I can't begin to
compare the experience to anything else I have ever seen".  First Officer
Smith said "The sense of grandeur and quiet was ineffably wondrous".  Lt.
Cohen, looking worn and haggard, came out and groused "What torture!
Non-stop Shacharit, Mincha, Maariv,Shacharit, Mincha, Maariv,Shacharit,
Mincha, Maariv,....  (morning prayer, afternoon prayer, evening prayer....)
 
	(Rec.humor readers can now hit n!)
 
	Actually the topic of the Intl. date line has been the subject
of discussion in several contemporary responsa.  An entire volume was
authored by Rabbi Menachem M. Kasher on the subject some years ago.
	I have also heard that the someone (I think the Chief Rabbinate in
Israel has suggested that the times for prayer in outer space should
correspond to Jerusalem time.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Officials today announced they will be conducting
scientific research on Milk Cows on the next shuttle
launch.  The Crew will be taking care of and monitoring
about 25 milk cows up in space to see how they react
to no gravity.
 
One official jokingly called it:
" The first herd shot round the world.."
 
--------
 
It's not widely known, but there was some small-scale
work in this area done in the early fifties, quitely
launched from Wallop's (sp?) Island. A single cow was
to be launched into the high ionosphere for a suborbital
test. The detailed reports were never made public, but
according to the rumor mill something went badly wrong
with the biological compartment -- it came apart -- and
only the front half of the cow made it up. The project
was considered an udder failure.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Reprinted from the Seattle Times
circa 1986-7
 
by Mitch Albom
Knight-Ridder Newspapers
 
Let us deal today with a timely sports question.  How do you choose a
company softball team?
 
The answer is, there are lots of way.  My favorite way is in a bar,
late at night, with a hat, 50 pieces of paper, and a group of people
who like to sing in Swedish, even though they don't speak Swedish.
And plenty of ice.  But that is just my way.  And I don't hit very
well.
 
Others take it more seriously.  In fact, to certain types--investment
bankers, account executives, anyone from New York--softball leagues
have become roughly the equivalent of, oh, say, holy war.
 
First of all, because it is May, it is too late to be picking softball
teams.  In today's competitive business world, the winning teams made
up their rosters back in November.  Several players actually are under
contract year-around.  They will never admit this, of course.  But if
you know a burly salesman who hasn't met a quota in years, chances are
he's somebody's first baseman.
 
Still there is hope for your group.  Their bus could crash.  And if
that kind of luck should strike, you better be ready.
 
Here then, as a public service, and I don't do this for everybody, are
25 tried-and-tested methods for picking a winning softball team.  I
emphasize the word winning, which is not the same as wearing a
sweatshirt and waking up with a hangover.  Ready?
 
 1) Never pick the boss.
 
 2) Never pick the boss' secretary.
 
 3) Pick Vinny from the shipping department.  If there is no Vinny,
pick Frank.  No doubt Frank will know a Vinny, probably from some
other shipping department, and Vinny will know another Vinny.  Or
Eddie.  So you end up with three guys, either Vinny, Vinny, and Vinny,
or Frank, Vinny, and Vinny, or Frank, Vinny, and Eddie.  This, by the
way, is your starting outfield.
 
 4) Never pick a Seth.
 
 5) If you hold open tryouts, and a player shows up with a large radio
on his shoulder, grab him.
 
 6) Unless the radio is playing Barry Manilow
 
 7) Are we dealing with co-ed teams?  We are?
 
 8) In that case, anyone named Brenda gets on automatically.  At least
on my team.
 
 9) Take any player with his own ice chest.  (If you do not understand
this, I am not going to explain.  You should join the company
racquetball league instead, where they drink Perrier.)
 
10) No vice presidents.
 
11) Never take a guy wearing a batting glove.  Batting gloves do
nothing.  Batting gloves are an excuse for people to spend $10.00, so
the owner of the sporting goods store can take his wife to France.
 
12) Anyone with a tattoo starts.
 
13) Two tattoos bats cleanup.
 
14) IMPORTANT TIP: LOOK AT THE GLOVE.  If it is ratty and frayed and
has masking tape all over it, you want the guy.  If it is shiny and
orange and is signed by Rusty Staub, you'd better pass.
 
15) If he owns spikes, he's in.
 
16) Never take the boss.  I know we covered this already.  I don't
want you to forget.
 
17) ANOTHER IMPORTANT TIP: LOOK AT THE CAR.  As a general rule, people
who drive Volkswagen bettles make good softball players.  I don't know
why this is.  I have never seen a decent softball player pull up in a
Chrysler New Yorker.  Ever.
 
18) No more than four players with glasses.
 
19) Only players named "Pepper" or "Spike" or "Scooter" can be your
shortstop.  But only if that's his real name.  Have him bring a birth
certificate.  I mean, anyone can call himself "Scooter", right?  You
want the guy whose parents thought it up.
 
20) Pick someone with spare bats.
 
21) Get at least one person from sales.  Even if he or she can't play,
at least you'll find out what all those other sneaky salespeople are
planning.
 
22) Choose a catcher who is loud and obnoxious.  Someone who will say
to a batter, "Hey.  If you had a brain, you'd be outside playing with
it."
 
23) NEVER PICK THE BOSS!  Just a reminder.]
 
24) No Dr. Pepper drinkers.  I don't trust them.
 
25) If Rita, the redheaded receptionist, is at all interested, sign
her up.  The hell with her average.
 
So there you have it.
 
Of course, these rules apply only if your goal is to win the softball
trophy and go the awards dinner.
 
On the other hand, if your goal is to get ahead in business, I advise
only two things:
 
Pick your boss.  And let him play shortstop.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    Imagine what it would be like if George Washington had to go
through a Congressional Confirmation Hearing...  We join our
correspondent at Independence Hall in Philadelphia for hearings
already in progress....
 
Congressman: General Washington, you are here today so we can
    determine if you are in fact fit to lead this great nation.
 
Washington: Yes, sir, I realize that.
 
Congressman: Then lets get underway here.  First of all, do you
    still have any ties to the millitary of this country?
 
Washington: No, sir.
 
Congressman: Do you have a silver tea set General Washington?
 
Washington: Yes, I do.
 
Congressman: A tea set given to you by a Mr. Paul Revere of Boston,
    one of your scouts during the Revolution, I believe?
 
Washington: Yes, sir, it was given to me on the aniversary of the
    Battle of Lexington and Concord.  That was quite a fight, we sure
    had them on the run...
 
Congressman: I'm sure you did.  But you admit to taking bribes from
    former military personnel?
 
Washington: I would hardly call it a bribe, Mr. Revere and I are old
    friends
 
Congressman: And then there's the question of your loose moral standards sir.
 
Washington: I beg your pardon?  I have been faithfully married to my
    wife Martha for many years now.
 
Congressman: Oh, come now General.  All the way from here to
    Massachusetts there are signs at almost every inn and a good many
    private homes saying "George Washington slept here"  Are we really
    supposed to believe that you travelled that much?
 
Washington: Well, sir, a general has to travel quite a bit when
    fighting a war you know...
 
Congressman: An educated General, perhaps.  But you sir never
    attended an institution of higher learning at all, did you?
 
Washington: No, sir, it simply wasn't necessary in my job as a surveyor.
 
Congressman: But you think it is adequate for a job such as this?
 
Washington: Yes sir, I do.  I believe I have learned a lot about
    leadership in the course of my military career.
 
Congressman: Which started out with you serving our enemies the British?
 
Washington: Yes, sir, it did.
 
Congressman: Enough of this.  This man is simply completely
    unqualified.  Please bring in that Arnold fellow.  What's his name,
    Benedict Arnold?  Yes, now that has a ring of authority to it...
 
        Just think what a great country this would have been...
