From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 20-JUL-1990 10:12:02.15
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Subj:	The latest delivery from Henry Cate III

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: The latest delivery from Henry Cate III
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      Why is a good programer like a Knight?
      They both live by their code.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Objoke:  "Two ballots please, I'm from Chicago"
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
A somewhat plump lady walked into the bakery and bought a cherry pie.
"Would you like it cut into six pieces or eight pieces?" the salesgirl
asked.
 
"Better make that six pieces," was the reply. "I'm on a diet."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one
of these cards to fill in, in normal Commonwealth style.
After the standard ones, like name, nationality, passport number, etc..
he got to one that asked:
  "Have you ever been imprisoned?"
After thinking about that for some time he entered:
  "I didn't know it was still a requirement"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
22. The biggest security gap is an open mouth
25. Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and
the        instruction afterward.
55.   Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
57.   If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
this       garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow
            enobled and none dare criticize it.
83.   If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
97.   Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
JULIE: Guess what? I'm going to have triplets!
 
ANN: Wow, that's great. Aren't triplets very rare?
 
JULIE: I'll say. My doctor told me that triplets occur once every two
million times!
 
ANN: Gee, how did you have time for work?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
TODAY'S MEDICAL TIP:  Never undergo any kind of major surgery without first
making an appointment.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
You know you're growing old when your knees buckle but your belt won't.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Have you heard about the sequel to North by Northwest called South by
Southeast?
It takes the plot in a whole different direction.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q:  How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One -- but only after sitting in the dark for a while, contemplating
the excellence of the old bulb.
 
Q:  How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  None -- liberals don't believe violence solves anything.
A': 10,270: 51 senators and 218 representatives to pass the Federal Incandescent
Appliance Replacement Act, 10,000 civil servants to staff the Federal
 Incandescent
Appliance Replacement Administration, and 1 minority contractor actually
to change the bulb.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:
1.  Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
2.  Join our frequent near-miss program.
3.  Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
4.  Noisy engines?  We'll turn 'em off!
5.  Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
6.  Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
7.  The kids will love our inflatable slides.
8.  You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!
9.  Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
10. Delta: We might be landing on your street!
11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
12. Bring a bathing suit.
13. So that's what these buttons do!
14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Michael Scott, who became the first president of Apple Computer in 1977 and
semiretired in 1981 after Apple went public, graduated from the California
Institute of Technology in 1965.  His class was taught freshman and sophomore
physics by the late Nobel laureate Richard Feynman, which course was the
basis of the famous /Feynman Lectures on Physics/.  In pledging $1.5 million
to endow the Richard P. Feynman Professorship at Caltech, and stipulating
that the selection process for this chair include special consideration of
the teaching ability of the recipient, Scott recounted the first class meeting
in the Bridge Laboratory lecture hall:
 
"There were 183 of us freshmen, and a bowling ball hanging from the three-story
ceiling to just above the floor.  Feynman walked in and, without a word,
grabbed the ball and backed against the wall with the ball touching his nose.
 He let go, and the ball swung slowly 60 feet across the room and back -
stopping naturally just short of crushing his face.  Then he took the ball
again, stepped forward, and said:  "I wanted to show you that I believe in
what I'm going to teach you over the next two years."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Some HMOs might want to sign up for this: A Tightwad Contest in Oakland
has been won by a retired welder who separates two-ply toilet paper to save
money.  "It's no trouble at all; it just takes a little practice," said Luis
Torres, 64, who won top honors in a "How Cheap Are You?" contest sponsored
by the Oakland Tribune.  He also buys generic groceries and day-old baked
goods, reuses plastic bags and never tosses out soap slivers.  "I always
did things to save money," said Torres, who attributes his frugal ways to
growing up with 14 siblings.  Runners-up included a Berkeley couple who said
they save dental floss on a bathroom hook for reuse, and a Richmond man who
claimed he refreezes used ice cubes. (One couple siad they collect 2-for-1
coupons to restaurants and then invite another couple.  "We make them pay
for their half, and we dine free," they wrote.)  And from Elmer Hurren in
El Cerrito came this admission:  When his vacuum cleaner bag fills, Hurren cuts
one end, empties it and sews it up for reuse.  Saves bags, he said, "and
sometimes I find a penny in the dust."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Ad in an English magazine for Girobank.
 
Photo:  Ollie North in full uniform, giving "truth oath" in congressional
hearing.
 
Caption:  "With a few notable exceptions, no one can transfer your money
round the world more efficiently than us."
 
Text: "We think it's time to come clean.  Girobank has been transferring
large sums of money halfway round the world for years.
 
"It's hardly a risky business.  Our centralised international division, with
its unique links to the overseas Giro network, allows business to be
conducted at maximum speed and with the minumum of bureaucracy.
 
"And even if your transaction should prove difficult (as it might in
Nicaragua for example), we can provide documentary collections, letters of
credit, bonds and guarantees.
 
"And you needn't worry about the price you have to pay.  Girobank's
international services are among the cheapest available.
 
"Closer to home, we also offer a comprehensive range of other financial
services including leasing, lending, treasury and cash collection.
 
"All in all, Girobank adds up to less hassle and more choice for the
businessman or woman.  A call to the number below will reveal the full
story.  Frankly, we think the whole world should know."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Federal Aviation Agency,
Washington 25, D.C.
 
Gentlemen:
 
    I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain
events that occurred yesterday.  First of all,  I would like to
thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license
and told me I wouldn't need it any more.  I guess that means that
you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license.  You should watch
that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite
nervous and his hand was shaking.  Anyway, here is what happened.
 
    The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I
soloed.  but on the day in question I was not about to let low
ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me
from another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane.
I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my
neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two
hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that
served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest
martinis.
 
    On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little
concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about
the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he
seemed much happier.
 
    When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had
stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it
would.  There were only a few snow flakes.  I checked the weather
and I was assured that it was solid IFR.  I was delighted.  But
when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular
airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs.  You could
imagine my disappointment.  Just then a friendly, intelligent
line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I
immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly.  I
think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper.  I didn't
have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a
hurry.  Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
 
    We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch.
Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be
necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to
start an airplane.  That's rediculous. I never saw sow many dials
and needles and knobs, handles and switches.  As we both know,
confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub.  I
forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people
were so nice.  When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said
it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local
superhighway, all the way.  These fellows deserve a lot credit.
They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has
problems with red tape.
 
    The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the
pattern just the way the book style says it should be done.  The
tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but
that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going.  There
must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a
lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made
such a racket htat I just turned off the radio.  You'd think that
those professionals would be better trained.  Anyway, I climbed
up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred
feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was
straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and
dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast.  After all, it
was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch
the ground.  This was a bad thing to do, I realized.  My neighbor
undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains
all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and
we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?
 
    It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that
seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the
windshield, there wasn't much to see.  I will say that I handled
the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours.  My
computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while
but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told.  I don't expect
you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up
on its chain.  That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to
look but he just kept staring ahead wigh sort of a glassy look in
his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all
non-pilots are.  By the way, somethng was wrong with the
altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.
 
    Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be
where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computor.
I am a whiz at that computor, but something must have gone wrong
with it since when I came down to look for the airport there
wasn't anything there except mountains.  These weather people
sure had been wrong, too.  It was real marginal conditions with a
ceiling of about one hundred feet.  You just can't trust anybody
in this business except yourseelf, right?  Why, there were even
thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning.  I
dedided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the
way it semed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was
asleep,  having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want
to wake him up.  Anyway, just then an emergency occured because
the engine quit.  It really didn't worry me since I had just read
the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was.
I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going.
This business of having two engines is really a safety factor.
If one quits the other is right there ready to go.  Maybe all
airplanes should have two engines.  You might look into this.
 
    As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very
seriously.  It was apparent that I would have to go down lower
and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather.  I was glad my neighbor
was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it
hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to
navigate.  Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice
on the windshield.  Several cars ran off the road when we passed
and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot
safer than driving.
 
    To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport
that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we
were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land
there.  It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of
runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing
in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome.  Somebody
had told me that you could always talk to these military people
on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you
wouldn't believe the language that I heard.  These people ought
to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain,
as a taxpayer.  Evidently there were expecting somebody to come
in and land because they kept talkig about some god damn stupid
son-of-a-***** up in that fog.  I wanted to be helpful so I
landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow
needed the runway.  A lot of people came running out waving at
us.  It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C
before.  One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was
real mad about something.  I tried to explain to him in a
reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should
be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I
think he must have a drinking problem.
 
    Well, that's about all I caught a bus back home because
the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the
hospital there.  He can't make a statement yet because he's still
not awake.  Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something.
 
    Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my
new license airmail, special delivery.
 
                        Very, truly yours,
