From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 16-JUL-1990 09:24:45.17
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Subj:	Henry Cate III strikes again :-)

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Henry Cate III strikes again :-)
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VITAMIN: That's what you say when you have guests in front of the door.
BATHING BEAUTY: A girl worth wading for.
ERASER: What his teacher said when Picasso drew a naked woman
     
Sign at a music shop: "Gone Chopin, be back in a minuet."
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Weather Likely
     
Front page weather summary from Wednesday's Stanford Daily:
     
"Today - Rain likely.  Patchy fog likely.  Tempratures likely.  Tomorrow
- More Rain.  More fog.  More likely."
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
The best new book title that I've seen in a long time is for the new
 autobiography
of Fay Wray.  Fay Wray is an actress whose most famous role was the femme
fatale in the original King Kong movie.  The book is called "On The Other Hand".
     
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Patient:  Doc, how long more have i got to live??
Doctor :  Well, if i were u, i would not buy any LPs.
     
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There was a terrible war in Australia, and one soldier got hurt.
He was in shock and in hospital. Suddenly he wokes up, opens his
eyes and see doctor..
     
Patient: Doc, did I came here to die
Doctor : Oh no - you came here yesterdie.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Many a false step is made by standing still.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
 Did you hear the one about the two Canadians who froze to death
 at a drive-in theater?
 They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
        "Happiness," intoned the philosopoher, "is the pursuit of
something, not the catching of it."
        "Have  you  ever," a listener wanted to know, "chased the
last bus on a rainy night?"
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
  Two people from the Nothwest Anatolian region met on the street. One had
a parrot on his shoulder. The other asked : 'Where did you find this?'. The
parrot answered before the other: 'There are a lot of these in the Northwest
Anatolian Region!!!'.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
One new mother was commented to another, "If he were to have the second kid,
that would be all we would have.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
A computer company and a railroad got up a project together in the
early 60s to see if computers could help the railroad keep track of its
freight cars.  In the course the the project people had occasion to
rummage around in a freight yard in Los Angeles.  One thing they discovered
was a boxcar filled with brand new 10-year-old automobiles.  Another
discovery was a carload of hides which had been shuttling endlessly between
L.A. and Kansas City for a long period of time, during which the hides
got pretty ripe!
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Way back when I worked at WWDC AM&FM in Maryland, there was a rumour
running around about the District of Columbia's Metro, which was/is one
of the first computer monitored/operated suburban transit systems.
Seems that the control system software, running on a large CDC
mainframe, would periodically cause trains to just sit at stations, and
not allow them to move, because the system was convinced that a phantom
train was in front of the real train somewhere, and thus that safety
rules would be violated.  Try as they might, the programmers could never
find the bug, or make the phantoms disappear.  The solution was to put a
massive reset switch by the system's console, which forced the system to
go out and query everything to find reality, and allow the system to get
running again.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
driving in new york:
     
Question # 13:
If one of the tail lights of the car in front of you is blinking
it means
(a) There is something wrong with the tail lights
(b) The driver is new and does not know what he is upto
(c) The driver is from out of town
(d) The driver is signalling a turn.
     
Correct Answer: (c)  - because, in some foreign states tail
lights are used to signal turns; they dont do that in new
york any more!
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
There are three rings to marriage:
     
	1) The engagement ring
	2) The Wedding ring
	3) The suffering
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
                Academic Procession
                -------------------
     
I'm in favor of a good education but it does have its drawbacks.  When I
was in grade school, I was told if I wanted to get a good job I had to graduate
from high school.  So I went to high school.  When I was in high school,
I was told that to get a good job I had to go to college.  So I went to college.
 When I was just about to graduate, I was told everybody had a bachelor's
degree; to get a really good job, I had to get a master's degree.  So I got
my master's.  Then I was told that a master's would take me only so far and
I should get a doctorate.  So I got my doctorate and went out for a job.
 I was told they were looking for younger men.   --Orben's Current Comedy
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Humorous headlines
     
A Human error, compounded by the rush of getting the newspaper
out, has given the world the following actual headlines:
     
DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT
	--Waterbury (CT) Republican
     
MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE
	--Toronto Globe and Mail
     
SPLIT REARS IN FARMER MOVEMENT
	--Denver Post
     
PANDA MATING FAILS, VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
	--St. Petersburg Times
     
HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS REQUIRE SOME STUDY
FOR GRADUATION
	--Los Angeles Times
     
SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE
BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY
	--Belleview (IL) News-Democrat
     
GORILLAS VOW TO KILL KHOMENI
	--Munsun (PA) Valley Independent
     
BLIND WOMAN GETS KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T
SEEN IN YEARS
	--Alabama Journal
     
SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 13 YEARS IN
CHECKOUT LINE AT SUPERMARKET
	--Arkansas Democrat
     
[These headlines were excerpted from an article by
Richard Lederer, from his column "Looking at
Language"]
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Recently a disk jockey announced on the air, "And now we are going to
hear a recording of Rimski-Korsakov's Bum Of the Flightful Bee."
     
A newscaster declared, "A parade will follow the Governor's Conference. At 2
PM, the cars will leave their headquarters just as soon as the governors are
loaded!" Another newsman reported that a policeman in arresting a motorist had
found the suspect "under the affluence on incohol."
     
Thomas Fuller once declared, "Birds are entangled by their feet and men by
their tongues."
     
Despite careful preparation, video and radio performers and announcers
continue to mouth sponteneous bobbles. A TV spieler blundered, "So ladies, we
urge you to shave at Cook's.. I mean shake at Cook's. What I really mean is
that you can shave at Cook's. Lordy, I mean save at Cook's!" Another TV
pitcherman declared, "Summer is here, and with it those lazy days at the
beach; and don't forget your _____ sun lotion. ______ is the lotion that lets
you burn but never lets you tan.
     
A radio announcer asked the listeners to stay tuned for the "most apprehensive
coverage of the news" A newscaster bumbled into the microphone, "This is your
11 o'clock news with an on-the-pot report.. I mean on-the-spot retort. I mean
the on-the-tot resort.. oh well, let's just skip it." An equally mixed up
newsman reported, "In the head-on collision of the two passanger cars, five
people were killed in the crash, two quite seriously.
     
Weather reporters are notorious for the gaffes. One predicted "shattered
tunder scours." Another calmly forecase, "Rowdy followed by clain" Still
another weather bumbler said the following day's weather would be smoggy with
light "ear eyetation."
     
Cases of getting the "hart before the course" results in such commercials as,
"Come in at the sign of the clock, where it only takes six months to open a
three-minute charge account." Another announcer blooped, "We will have to
discuss this proposition with Bill Dale, who is brilliant when it comes to
transactions like these. Why he has more brains in his little finger than he
has in his whole head!"
     
There is no telling who will make the gaffe, or when. Not long ago an actor
reaching for a bell pull announced that he would "give the bull a pill."
Anyone pulling such a fluff should continue on as though nothing had happened.
Trying to correct a slip frequently seems to compound it. One thespian, for
instance, was giving the butler directions on how to set the table. "Place the
sporks and foons," he bumbled. Pausing, he tried again, "The porks and
sfoons..." The next attempt brought "I mean, of course, the sforks and
poons...." he never did make it.
     
At a basketball game in Los Angeles, the sportscaster flubbed, "We will return
to the Sports Arena as soon as technical difficulties are resumed." Another on
watched a long fly ball soar toward the outfield. "Bob Johnson is backing up
for the ball," he told the listeners. "Back...way back... he hits his head
against the wall, drops it, picks it up and pegs it home!" Naturally, he was
flooded with letters asking how he was getting along without his head.
     
Occasionally an announcer pulls a real lulu without ever realizing it-and
through no slip of his own. It happened to one sportscaster a while back when
he was giving a blow-by-blow description of a boxing match. About the middle
of the bout his station cut him off suddenly to announce the death of the
mayor - then cut him back in. Knowing nothing of the interruption, he continued
"That sounded like quite a blow, but it doesn't mean a thing, really. No
damage done at all."
     
A while back Johnny Logan, former shortstop of the Pittsburgh Pirates and the
Milwaukee Braves, attended a testimonial dinner to pay tribute to one of the
game's best loved stars, Stan Musial. When Johnny got up to deliver his
speech, he cleared his throat and began, "Stan Musical is the greatest immoral
in the history of baseball."
     
Several years ago in Los Angeles, sportscaster Bill Brundige asked an old-time
reporter on the Yankee baseball beat if he would describe Babe Ruth's immortal
60th homer. For radio audiences everywhere the writer replied, "Gee, Bill, I
missed it. I had to go to the men's room."
     
Such momentary mental lapses and forgetfulness are common and comical. In the
1962 California election, for instance, Richard M. Nixon ran for governor
agains Pat Brown, the incumbent. Towards the end of the campaign, Nixon lapsed
back to 1960, when he ran unsuccessfully for the Presidency. In a state-wide
television broadcast, he declared, "And as a candidate for Presi.. I mean
GOVERNOR.. of the United Sta.. I mean CALIFORNIA."
     
At a party shortly after George Romney's first election as governor of
Michigan, the hostess introduced Mrs. Romney to the guest, "I want you to
meet the governor's new wife," she said. In embarrassment, she hastily
corrected herself, "I mean the new governor's old wife." Another woman told
Mrs. Romney, "You always look different; the last time I saw you, you looked
so nice."
     
The late Sen. Estes Kefauver (Tenn.) was hard put not to choke on a statement
which the press picked up during one of his primary campaigns for the
Democratic presidential nomination. In one town, he patted a small boy on the
head and asked about his father. "He's dead," the boy said.
A few hours later, on the other side of town, Kefauver greeted the same
youngster again. Obviously he did not remember the lad, for he once again
asked "How is your father?"
"My father is still dead," came the devastating reply.
     
Famous for his fluffs, ex-movie star Charless Farrell on day was stopped by a
man. "Charlie!" he said, slapping Farrell on the back.  "Charlie, here I am!
Just like I promised. How are you? You do remember me, don't you?"
Farrell, not remembering, gulped, reddened and then replied: "Well, help me
out a little."
"Jackson Hole, Charlie," the man said, referring to the Wyoming resort.
"Of course, Mr. Hole - how are you?"
     
Prince Charles, recalled one occasion when a mental lapse created a flub. "The
wife of a dignitary in Australia greeted me and said she hadn't seen me since
my parents' wedding."
     
At a formal reception in Washington, the harried host cordially greeting the
secretary of the treasury, "Good evening, Mr. Sandwitch, won't you have a
secretary?" Attending his first reception at the White House, a newly-elected
congressman grew more nerveous by the moment. Finally he found himself obliged
to chat with the First Lady. In a hopeless effort to appear poised,
he blurted "I've always admired the White House. Who as the artichoke
who designed it?"
     
Recently the new assistant pastor of a large church sat beside a visiting
archbishop at a banquet. Wishing to convince other diners of his perfect
poise, the young cleric clutched the gravy boat and passed it to the
dignitary. "Will you have some grace, Your Gravy?" he asked.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
     
Excerpts from an article in The Daily Breeze:
     
  Robert Half International, the executive recruiting firm, puts out an annual
list of gems gleaned from resumes its clients have received.
  Here is a sample of what company founder Robert Half calls, "resumania:
the inappropriate, peculiar, humorous and self-defeating things job candidates
include in their resumes."
  "I have been intimately involved in every aspect of this company," one
New York job applicant boasted, "from the very beginning right up to its
present unfortunate bankrupt state."
  One Seattle job candidate told his potential employers: "References:  Please
do not contact my current employer or any of my previous employers."
  Here is what a Boston man had to say about his former supervisor:  "Boss
was as twisted as a pretzel."
  This is how Washington bureaucrats look for new jobs.  "These greetings
serve to illumine opportunity, the intent of which acceptation I would have
to be as a common purpose to business," said one.  "I assume with their
 inclusion
will accretion bestow the wordage as primary objective.  Fundamental expertise
as perspicuity perpetuates to govern by perspicacity the abilities to perform
the basic organization to official finance procedures does stand aligning this
 resume."
  His previous job must have been writing legislation.
     
  Other examples of resumania include:
- "Willing to relocate.  But I refuse to go to Manhattan or the Soviet bloc,"
from a Kansas City applicant.
- An Atlanta executive noted that she had "formed a partnership with three
business collies."
- A Denver accountant wrote:  "Other qualifications: Skiing. Doing some P.R.
work as a skiing gorilla."
- "Six munts ago, I couldn't spell executive. Today I are one." wrote a
 Philadelphia job candidate.
- "Size of previous employer: Twenty-three floors," came from St. Louis.
- "My firm currently employs 20 odd people," said a Baltimore job-seeker.
