From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 11-JUL-1990 12:08:21.45
To:	BSMTP <PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie>
CC:	
Subj:	More from my friend Henry Cate III

Received: from cs8700.ucg.ie by vax1.ucg.ie; Wed, 11 Jul 90 12:06 GMT
Received: from ccvax.ucd.ie by cs8700.ucg.ie; Wed, 11 Jul 90 11:42 GMT
Received: from IRLEARN.UCD.IE by ccvax.ucd.ie; Wed, 11 Jul 90 11:05 GMT
Received: by IRLEARN (Mailer R2.03B) id 2629; Wed, 11 Jul 90 09:31:56 GMT
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 90 17:06:12 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: More from my friend Henry Cate III
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie
To: BSMTP <PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie>
Reply-to: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>

The other day when was watching a boxing match on tv,
a hockey game broke out!
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
(Heard on the local radio station)
     
Some guy stole a taxi and went for a joy-ride and then abondoned the car.
     
Whats so funny you ask?
     
He was later caught because on his way home that day, he flagged down
the same taxi that he had stole that morning and the cabby identified him.
     
Can you say stupid criminal? Sure you can...
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Hey, some real comics over there in S. Korea.  John Joss just bought a
sportshirt made by a Korean firm called Heet, with these instructions:
    For best results, wash in cold water separately, hang-dry
    and iron with warm iron.  For not so good results, drag
    behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roof rack.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
A lissom psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
   Said she: "Please don't panic!
   I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun were I sane."
                               Anon.
     
Said Freud: "I've discovered the Id.
Of all your repressions be rid.
   It won't ease the gravity
   Of all the depravity,
But you'll know why you did what you did."
                               Frank Richards
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
(I realize this belongs in Reader's Distress, but I figured, go for it)
     
Inspired by recent testing of elementary students in math and science, I
decided to check firsthand into my second grader's education.
     
Me: Do you know anything about circles?
     
Chris: Oh, yeah, we've learned about that since Kindergarten.
     
Me: Do you know what a radius is?
     
Chris: No.
     
Me: Do you know what a diameter is?
     
Chris: No.
     
Me: Do you know what a circumference is?
     
Chris: No.
     
OK, I thought.  Try another tack.
     
Me: Do you know anything about squares?
     
Chris (after slight pause): I THOUGHT I did.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
In Herb Caen's column (San Francisco Chronicle) 02/17:
     
I know a way to make a quick million bucks.  Have a bunch of T-shirts printed
up that say "I am NOT Salman Rushdie"
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
With the end of the football season, a star player for the college
team celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-
night campus party.  Soon after arriving, he became captivated by
a beautiful coed and eased into a conversation with her by asking
if she met many dates at parties.
     
"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the
strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said.
"What's your G.P.A.?"
     
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-
five in the city and forty on the highway."
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
There are three kinds of people in the world -- those who can count,
and those who can't.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
A few days ago, I bought one of those electric letter openers (you know, the
kind that slits the envelope with a motor).  Anyway, it runs on two AA
batteries that install in a compartment in the bottom.
     
Now the compartment is marked so that anyone with the slightest degree of
intelligence could find it w/o incident.
     
Nevertheless, the unit came with a slip of paper marked:
     
     
                  SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS FOR ATTORNEYS
     
And on it were printed specific step-by-step instructions of how to open the
snap-off cover and put the batteries in.
     
I'm not kidding about this, by the way.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm,
and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most
extraordinary manner.  The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby
apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree
directly.  The farmer would move the pig from one apple to
another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again
with another pig.
     
The city man watched this activity for some time with great
astonishment.  Finally he could not resist saying to the farmer,
"This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can
imagine.  Just think of the time that would be saved if you
simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them
from the ground!"
     
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
a man walks up to an ethnic warrior and asks him the time.  since it is
broad daylight, our ethnic plants his spear in the ground, measures the
shadow's length, etc. and announces "one o'clock".  "wow," says the
man, "this is amazing.  but how do you tell the time at night?".  replies
the ethnic, "oh, that is exactly why i carry this watch" and fishes out
a watch from his pocket...
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
In response to the new Florida "English only" law, which bars expenditure
of public funds for the purpose of extending services in languages other
than English, the Dade County Zoo has ceased printing the Latin names of
animals on the signs in front of cages.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
  An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were all mourning the death
of their good friend, a Welshman. It is a tradition at Welsh funerals that
people enclose cash or other articles in the coffin for the deceased to
enjoy in the hereafter.
 The Scotsman was so bereaved that he told his mates, "Whatever you two
put in the coffin, I'll put in double!"
 The others were astounded at this offering from an otherwise
frugal-'til-he-squeaks person. But they decided to put him to the test.
 The Irishman approached the coffin, said his goodbyes, and deposited
20 pounds in the coffin.
 Likewise, the Englishman went to the coffin, murmured his farewell, and
placed a twenty-pound note in the coffin. Then he and the Irishman waited
with deep anticipation as the Scotsman went up to the coffin, prayed, said
a tearful goodbye, then got out his chequebook and wrote a cheque for
120 pounds and took the other 40 pounds cash back in change.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
One day, a large duck walked into a pharmacy. It waddled up to the druggist,
looked him right in his open mouth, and said "Good morning (quack). Would you
(quack) please give me a (quack) tube of Chapstick (quack)?"
     
The druggist quit staring, took a good look around the store (trying to spot
Alan Funt skulking somewhere), and replied "Uhh...certainly, uhh...Sir. Would
you prefer the plain or one of the flavored varieties?"
     
The duck said "The plain will be fine (quack)."
     
The druggist took one of the tubes and set it on the counter. "Is that what you
want, Sir?"
     
The duck said "That's it (quack). Just put it on my bill."
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
The following is a true story told to me by a duck hunter.
     
One day a fellow duck hunter was legally hunting in the hills of Wisconsin,
near a game reserve (where one is absolutely NOT allowed to hunt.)
Along came a duck, and POW!, the duck falls away from him, INTO THE GAME
RESERVE.  Well, he thought, the duck is already dead, I may as well go pick it
up.  So he walks toward where the duck went down, only to find the duck floating
in the middle of a pond.  He sees an unoccupied boat and "borrows" it.
After rowing to the middle to the pond, he is about to pick up the duck
when . . . the game warden says "Hold it right there Buddy."  At first
the warden wanted to charge the hunter with illegal hunting, but the guy
had not touched the duck, and he couldn't prove that he shot it.
Next he tried to charge him with having a gun in a boat (apparently
illegal) but couldn't, the gun was left on the shore.  Next he tried
to charge him with boat theft, but couldn't find the owner.  So,
he finally found something to charge the hunter with;  being in a boat
without a life preserver!
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
___  1. That which Noah built.
___  2. An article for serving ice cream.
___  3. What a bloodhound does in chasing a woman.
___  4. An expression to represent the loss of a parrot.
___  5. An appropriate title for a knight named Koal.
___  6. A sunburned man.
___  7. A tall coffee pot perking.
___  8. What one does when it rains.
___  9. A dog sitting in a refrigerator.
___ 10. What a boy does on the lake when his motor won't run.
___ 11. What you call a person who writes for an inn.
___ 12. What the captain said when the boat was bombed.
___ 13. What a little acorn says when he grows up.
___ 14. What one does to trees that are in the way.
___ 15. What you do if you have yarn and needles.
___ 16. Can George Washington turn into a country?
     
     
A. hypotenuse              I. circle
B. polygon                 J. axiom
C. inscribe                K. cone
D. geometry                L. coincide
E. unit                    M. cosecant
F. center                  N. tangent
G. decagone                O. hero
H. arc                     P. perpendicular
     
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
     
   This string is really getting old and seems to be fading away, but
 while cleaning my place I found the following piece of paper, and thought
 it really belongs here:
     
 +--------------------------------------------------------------------+
 |  <Big Letterhead, heavy bond paper>                                |
 |                                                                    |
 |   BIT Software, Inc.                                               |
 |   December 14, 1987                                                |
     
     Michael S. Polymenakos
     ... .. ....
     Brooklyn, NY, 11210
     
     Dear Mr. Bryce:
     
     This letter is...
     : <insert pitch for a software product here>
     :
     
     Sincerely
|    <Signature in blue ink, you know, makes it look like this       |
|     comes from a person and not a machine..... >                   |
+--------------------------------------------------------------------+
     
  I kept it on my office, a daily reminder to actually read those
things that come out of my own printer, at least once in a while,
especially before anyone else gets to read them first.
     
----------------------------------------------------------------
     
>                  LAST SANITARY FACILITIES FOR 30 MILES
>
>     "Gee, I guess we'll have to use the unsanitary ones..."
>
> ----------------------------------------------------
     
The above reference to an unwelcome road sign put me in mind of the
following anecdote, which happened to none other than, that little road-
runner, me!
     
I was Canada-bound on the New York State Thruway, and then the Adirondack
Northway, and was slightly in need of a "sanitary rest stop" as the faci-
lities on these roads are euphemistically known. Coming to the next "Rest
Area" I found a sign that read,
     
                         FACILITIES CLOSED -
                       NEXT FACILITY 38 MILES
     
Not an unmanageable distance I mused and drove on. Imagine my dismay when,
having traversed the requisite distance I came upon the following sign:
     
                         THIS FACILITY CLOSED
                           FOR RENOVATIONS
     
which, as you can imagine played havoc with my well-filled bladder. Bravely
I pushed on and arrived at the third facility (some 92 miles from the
first) only to find the selfsame sign,
     
                         THIS FACILITY CLOSED
                           FOR RENOVATIONS
     
With my bladder as full as a basketball I literally could no longer "contain
myself." Dusk was just closing in as I pulled my VW camper off the road onto
the shoulder, got out and went around behind, and prepared to relieve myself.
I had just gotten out my handy picnic attachment when a N.Y. State trooper
came around the back of the VW, shined his flashlight directly on my "water-
ing device," and asked in a very public-spirited manner, "may I help you?"
My wife and daughter availed themselves of the opportunity to laugh them-
selves into hysteria.
     
As an addition to the above list of useful road signs, may I append,
     
                           STEEP HILL - NEXT 3 MILES
                             TRUCKS USE LOWEST GEAR
     
and your car's low gear is about three gear ratios higher than a trucks
lowest gear, and your driving an automatic anyway, and you've been meaning
to get the rear brakes done for a month now. Is that what's botherin' you,
bunky?
