From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall"  7-JUL-1990 16:44:06.94
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Subj:	More passed along from Henry Cate III

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From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: More passed along from Henry Cate III
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[Los Angeles] Daily News, February 26:
     
When jazz legend Dizzy Gillespie was in Los Angeles recently to receive a
Lifetime Achievement Grammy Award, he lost some travelers' checks.
American
Express refused to replace the travelers' checks when he couldn't produce
identification.  Gillespie suggested company employees in Los Angeles call
his lawyer, Elliot Hoffman, to verify his identity.
     
"What can we ask this man to prove he's really Dizzy Gillespie?" an
employee asked Hoffman.
     
"Ask him what comes after 'oo-bop-shabam'" Hoffman suggested.
     
Gillespie shot back, "Afloogle-mop."
     
He got his checks.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
In Karate class one day our instructor came in and told us a story that
happened to a friend of his the night before.  Our instructor's friend
was locking up his martial arts studio, still wearing his gui and his
black belt, when someone came up to him with a knife and said, "Give me
all your money!"  Needless to say that the mugger was in the police ward
of the hospital rather shortly afterward.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
My father, a Professor of Journalism at Kent State University (this is
NOT the funny part of the post) is looking for excuses. (Neither is
this.)
     
He's hoping to get a book out containing all the best excuses students/
employees give forr why they weren't in class/missed the test/didn't finish
the assignment/etc.  Send any good ones to TSMITH@KENTVM.BITNET or mail
to Tim Smith, School of Journalism and Mass Comm.,Kent State University,
Kent, OH 44262.
Latest examples include:
I couldn't come to class because my buffalo herd got loose.  (true!)
I couldn't come to the exam because all the Johns at the
conventions here in Atlanta are keeping me up.
I couldn't come to class last week because my father was overthrown.
(True; student's father WAS president of Uganda)
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull
A: A Bull-dozer.
     
There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake
struck.  All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing.
The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull "Why didn't you
fall down like the rest of the herd.  (I am asking for you're willing
suspensions of disbelief here as we all know that cows don't like
farmers enough to talk to them.)  The bull replied (see I told you I
would) "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
There's a similar story about an MIT student who spent an entire
summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black
and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or
fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a
whistle and walking off the field.  At the end of the summer, it came
time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto
the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a
half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.  The guy
wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
No one was really quite sure how Pan-Am could loose an engine off of
an airplane.  It was found out later that the engine had a luggage
sticker on it.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
well, there was another close call for AirJEDR this week.  seems the
pilot had a heart attack and the controllers in the tower had to talk
the stewardess through the takeoff.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
I was paging through a recently acquired 727 manual and came across this
little
gem of wisdom.  (GPWS is the ground proximity warning system.  It tells the
crew when the ground is getting too close for what they're doing.)
     
     "Note: the GPWS will not provide a warning if an airplane is flying
     directly towards a vertical cliff."
     
Gee, thanks.  I'll keep that in mind. :-}
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
    One of the things I've noticed while driving across this great land
of ours is this:  The people who make road signs have Q-tips Cotton
Swabs(tm) for brains.
    I'm not talking about your average, humdrum road sign like "STOP"
or "YIELD" to which the average, intelligent American driver pays little
or no attention in the first place.  No.  I'm talking about the kind of
road signs that make you wonder if the guys down at the DOT are running
with a full frame of resident pages, if you get my proverbial drift.
    These are some of my favorites:
     
                          LOW-FLYING AIRCRAFT
     
    Tell me, does the placement of this sign on the highway imply some
action on my part as a motorist?  I mean, just how "low-flying" are
these aircraft?  What am I supposed to do if I see one?  Duck?  Should
I assume that the aircraft has the right of way?  This sign is about
as valuable as its cousin:
     
                        WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS
                   (little picture of an avalanche)
     
    "Well officer the reason I rear-ended the school bus was because I
had my eyes peeled on that mountainside so I could swerve to avoid any
boulders that happened to come loose as I drove past..."
     
                        ROAD UNDER CONSTRUCTION
                         PASS AT YOUR OWN RISK
     
    What this sign means is, if, as you are driving through the con-
struction area past the ten or twelve road workers who are standing
around in small groups with their hands in their pockets discussing
whether or not the color of the steam-roller conforms to their union
contract, and one of them flicks a cigarette butt your way which ignites
your gas tank and your car explodes, you cannot hold them liable for
damages.
     
                          NO TRUCKS LEFT LANE
     
    No verb this sentence.
     
                BLASTING AREA.  TURN OFF TWO-WAY RADIOS.
     
    I wonder how many crazed pyromaniacs drive around with a carload of
walkie-talkies looking for these babies, hmm?
     
                              MEN IN TREES
     
    Don't worry guys, evolution is your friend.
     
                 LAST SANITARY FACILITIES FOR 30 MILES
     
    "Gee, I guess we'll have to use the unsanitary ones..."
     
                  HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR TIRES LATELY?
     
    This is on the Maine turnpike just after you come over "The Bridge"
from New Hampshire.  It serves as a reminder to tourists that it could
snow at any minute without warning.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
                            Good Samaritans
                            ===============
              Submitted by Bob Morecock <EPSYNET@UHUPVM1>
     
Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, D.C.  One day
they are walking together past the White House when they hear a voice,
which sounds like that of an elderly man, crying out, "Help, Help."
Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence,
and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Ronald Reagan,
drowning in the White House swimming pool.  In an heroic rush, they pull
him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving
his life.
     
   After a few minutes, Reagan says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved
my life!  And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as
long as it is within my power as President!"
     
   The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always
wanted to go to West Point.  Can you get me an appointment?"
     
   "You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"
     
   Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis.
Can you get me in?"
     
   "You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this
afternoon, too."
     
   After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know,
can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"
     
   Reagan, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure,
but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?"
     
   "Nope," replied the remaining fellow.  "Because when I get home and
tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
The newly appointed priest wat being briefed by the housekeeper on problems
in the rectory that required immediate attention.
	"Your roof needs repair, Father" she said.  "Your water pressure is
bad and your furnace is not working."
	"Now Mrs. Kelly," hte priest allowed, "you've been here for five
years and I only a few days.  Why not say OUR roof and OUR furnace?"
Several weeks later, when the paster was meeting with the bishop and
several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office, terribly upset.
	"Father, Father" she blurted, "There's a mouse in our room and it's
under our bed!!!!!!"
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
                          The King of Beers
                          =================
     
The Budweiser marketing executives held their annual planning session
with their advertising agency.  The ad agency gave them a new and
FABULOUS plan.
     
Irving Schlock, the ad agency account executive, suggested that
Budweiser offer the Pope $1 Million per year if he will send out an
edict changing the Lord's Prayer line from "Give us this day our daily
bread" to "Give us this day our daily Bud."
     
The Bud executives thought this was fantastic and shipped off a staff
representative to Rome to make the offer.  The representative only got
to see a bishop, who ordered him thrown out amid cries of "Sacrilege!!"
     
He returned to the President of Budweiser, who told him to up the offer
to $1 million per month.
     
This time the Budweiser man got in to see a Cardinal, told him about
the proposed change from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us
this day our daily Bud."  The Cardinal, enraged, also had him thrown out,
saying, "The Lord's Prayer is NOT for sale, commercialistic swine!"
     
Back to the Budweiser President he went.
     
This time the president said that he had certain connections and would
make some calls in advance, guaranteeing the rep would see the Pope
himself, not just some flunkies.  Also, said the president, "Offer the
Pope $1 million a week.  "This is so big we can't miss it.  It'll blow
Miller out of the water!"
     
Back in the Vatican, the Budweiser Rep enters a room filled with the
church hierarchy, begins to give his presentation -- cries of "out"
begin, when the Pope comes in.  He asks that the Rep be heard in a
respectful manner, but first wants to leave for a moment.  The Pope goes
down the hallway to his business manager's office.  Entering, he says
"Guido, get out the Lord's Prayer file."
     
"Sure, your Holiness, what do you need to know?"
     
"How long before our deal expires with Pepperidge Farm?"
