From:	IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet"  "Murph Sewall" 29-JUN-1990 14:58:55.24
To:	BSMTP <PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie>
CC:	
Subj:	More from the Herny Cate III archives

Received: from cs8700.ucg.ie by vax1.ucg.ie; Fri, 29 Jun 90 14:55 GMT
Received: from ccvax.ucd.ie by cs8700.ucg.ie; Fri, 29 Jun 90 14:51 GMT
Received: from IRLEARN.UCD.IE by ccvax.ucd.ie; Fri, 29 Jun 90 14:40 GMT
Received: by IRLEARN (Mailer R2.03B) id 4371; Fri, 29 Jun 90 14:43:21 GMT
Date: Fri, 29 Jun 90 09:22:12 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: More from the Herny Cate III archives
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie
To: BSMTP <PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie>
Reply-to: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>

Heard at a John McCutcheon concert:
     
"Buy a toaster, get a free Savings & Loan."
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
  Q:  What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
  A:  A bald eagle.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Scoutmaster: "Tenderfoot, how did you get that black eye?"
TF: "Sir, I was hit by a guided muscle with a knucklear warhead!"
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Boys' Life:
     
     Dad: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.
     Son: But I want to learn to swim.
     
     When everhting's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
     
     About 1900 a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some insurance
papers when he came to the question:  "If your father is dead, state the
cause."  Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle
 rustling,
the lawyer evaded the problem by answering this way: "He died while taking
part in a public ceremony when the platform gave way."
     
     Duke: Do you know one school where you have to drop out in order to
 graduate?
     Luke: Parachute school.
     
     Daffynishion:  Quadruplets  -  Four crying out loud.
     
     
     A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team.  They could
muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth.  In desperation
they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team.
     During their first game, the Englishman came to bat.  On the first pitch,
he kncked the ball out of the bark.
     "Run!" his teammates cried.  "For Pete's sake, run!"
     The Britisher turned and stared at them icily.  "I jolly well shan't
run," he replied.  "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another
 ball."
     
     
     If you had 10 cents and only five minutes to live, what would you buy?
     A roll of Life Savers.
     
     
     Most London police don't carry guns or clubs, only whistles.  So when
they chase a crook, they have to say, "Stop, or I'll toot!"
     
     
     Why were the Scouts so tired on April 1?
     Because they had just finished a 31 day March.
     
Why are you sleeping under that old car?
So I can wake up oily in the morning.
     
     
Daffynishio:  Sunburn - Getting more than you basked for.
     
     
     A girl cmael with one hump and a boy camel with two humps got married
and had a baby camel with no humps.  Guess what they called him?
     Humphrey.
     
     
Father:  If I had 10 oranges and gave you two, how many would I have left?
Son:  I don't know, because in school we learn on apples.
     
     
Do you find it hard to make decisions?
Well - yes and no.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
    Subject: some do's and don't do's for all you travellers
     
                    < Signs of our times >
     
In a Tokyo Hotel:  Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.  If
you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
     
In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.
     
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
     
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
when lit up.
     
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor.  Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
     
In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front
desk.
     
In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the
office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
     
In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.
     
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastary:  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
     
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
     
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing
to hope for.
     
On the menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firm's own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
     
In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend
courageous, efficient self-service.
     
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
     
Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking.
     
In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summers suit.  Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
     
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These
were executed over the past two years.
     
In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
     
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
     
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
     
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
     
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extrcted by the
latest Methodists.
     
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:  A lot of water
has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
     
In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
     
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven
city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
     
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride
on your own ass?
     
In the window of a Swedish furrier:  Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.
     
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to
work throughout its useful life.
     
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
     
In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today -- no ice cream.
     
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
     
In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
     
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send
them in all directions.
     
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit
to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
     
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
     
At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals.  If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
     
In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other
diseases.
     
In a Tokyo shop:  Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run.
     
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:  Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
in your room, please control yourself.
     
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
vigor.
     
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
	- English well talking.
	- Here speeching American.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Several recent studies have reported that Americans simply aren't
learning much science in school.  That doesn't particularly bother me,
because I know they  *are* getting lots of good, reliable scientific
information from a number of places.  Like television, _Newsweek_, the
_Enquirer_, cereal boxes, their hairdressers, and so forth.  So who
says science isn't getting across to the public?  Here's some things
people recently have told me they know about science.
     
	The greenouse effect is here and is already melting the polar
icecap.  By next year palm trees will be growing in Canada, beach boys
will be hanging 10 off the coast of Nevada, and Cleveland, of all
places, will suddenly become a nice place to live.
     
	There are only three California gray whales left in existence,
and they somehow got caught in an ice hole in Alaska.  Only a huge
investment of time, money, and media coverage kept the species from
becoming extinct.
     
	Geraldo Rivera is the frightening result of a genetic
engineering project gone awry. (This one may be true.).
     
	There's a hole in the ozone layer aproximately the size of
Roseanne Barr that was caused by hairspray.  It's how UFO's get to Earth.
     
	A brand-new radioactive gas has been found in basements.  It's
called radon and it causes cancer in a matter of weeks and worse,
plays hell with resale values.
     
	Isaac Newton plays lead guitar for Guns 'n Roses (this from a
high school student).
     
	The Japanese and French are building incredibly fast
levitating trains that have really super conductors on them.
     
	All scientists cheat on their data, on their spouses, and on
their income taxes.  Only Congress - whose members never cheat on
their data, their spouses, or their taxes - can put a stop to all this.
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
                 Are You About to Employ a Robot?
     
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB  Psychology
Department.   It  is  intended  to be used by companies  that  are
recruiting on campus.  With this test you can determine whether an
applicant are interviewing is a Robot,  a Vulcan/Math MAjor,  or a
Liberal Arts major.
     
       Tear off here, and administer test below to students
 ----------------------------------
     
 Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.
     
1.   If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____
          0)Shakespeare  1>Math books   2]Fluid oil
     
2.   If I could have any job, I would be a _____
          0)writer  1>professor    2]McDonald's employee
     
3.   On weekends, I go to _____
          0)The beach    1>The library  2]goto 10
     
4.   My favorite hobby is _____
          0)Poetry  1>Open math problems     2]memorizing
     
5.   I have taken ______ English classes.
          0)Many    1>Enough to communicate  2]fori=1to++x10goto10
     
6.   What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
          0)Ask a Vulcan      1>In my head   2]Brute force with
                                               Cray 2 Supercomputer
     
7.   What have you learned in school that you value the most?
          0)Latin   1>Complex Analysis  2]How to operate my HP-28C
     
8.   In between classes, I like to _____
          0)Talk with my friends   1>Study proofs 2>Add numbers on
                                                    my calculator
     
9.   When I have a report due, I type it on_____
          0)My manual typewriter
          1>The school's word processor
          2]My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
     
     
10.  Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____
          0)Friends      1>Books   2]Calculator manuals
     
11.  The best use of a computer is _____
          0)As a door stop    1>For graphing functions 2]As friends
     
12.  When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____
          0)A hamburger  1>A twinkie    2]Thrown out
     
     
     
13.  What part of speech is "interface"?
          0)A noun  1>A noun and a verb   2]Not enough data
     
14.  What do you consider to be paradise?
          0)Total happiness   1>Total knowledge   2]Two calculators
     
15.  What type of music do you like?
          0)Popular music     1>Classical music   2]Static noise
     
16.  What is your favorite game?
          0)Monopoly     1>Chess   2]Data entry races
     
17.  My favorite Movie show is _____
          0)Ruthless People   1>Star Trek II      2]Short Circuit
     
18.  If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____
          0)Write it on my arm
          1>Derive it during test
          2]Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
     
19.  The person I marry must have_____
          0)Beauty  1>Intelligence      2]An RS232 serial port
     
20.  What I fear the most is _____
          0)Death   1>Emotions     2]Water
     
--------------------------------
     
Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at
the following table.
     
00-14  Liberal Arts
15-20  Vulcan/Math Major
21-40  Robot!!!
     
----------------------------------------------------
     
Hello mother, hello father, here I am at Camp Grenada.
Camp is very entertaining,
and they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining...
     
I went hiking with Joe Spivy.
He developed poison ivy.
You remember Leonard Skinner;
He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner.
     
All the counselors
Hate the waiters,
And the lake has alligators.
And the head coach
Was no sissy,
So he reads to us from something called Ulysses.
     
Now I don't want
This to scare ya.
But my bunkmate
Has malaria.
You remember Jeffrey Hardy...
They're about to organize a searching party.
     
Take me home, oh mother, father.
Take me home, I hate Grenada.
Don't leave me out in the forest where
  I might get eaten by a bear.
Take me home, I promise I will not make noise
Or mess the house with other boys.
Oh please don't make me stay!
I've been here ONE -- WHOLE -- DAY.
     
Dearest father,
Darling mother,
How's my precious little brother?
Let me come home if you miss me.
I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me...
     
Wait a minute...
It stopped raining!
Guys are biking.
Guys are sailing,
playing baseball... gee, that's better!
     
Mother, father, kindly disregard this letter!
