From:	IN%"COLIN@UOTTAWA.bitnet"  "Colin Smith" 26-JUN-1990 20:26:34.07
To:	PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie, nuts@finhutc.bitnet
CC:	
Subj:	Re: More from the Henry Cate III archives

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Date: Tue, 26 Jun 90 09:54:27 EDT
From: Colin Smith <COLIN@UOTTAWA.bitnet>
Subject: Re: More from the Henry Cate III archives
To: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie, nuts@finhutc.bitnet
In-Reply-To:  Message of Sat, 23 Jun 90 21:08:30 EST from <SEWALL@UCONNVM>

Did I miss something?  Has NUTS changed names or locations (I know a request
for a new list owner was made but I didn't know anything had come of it...
I even offered to help with list administration).  If this is the new NUTS
here goes:
     
                      A LIGHT IN THE DARK
     
            BELL LABS PROVES EXISTENCE OF DARK SUCKERS
     
     For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.  However,
recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.  Electric bulbs don't
emit light, they suck dark.  Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.  The
dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the
existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark
is faster than light.
     
     The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.  There is less
dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.  The larger the dark sucker,
the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a parking lot have
a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.  As with all things, dark
suckers don't last forever.  Once they are full of dark, they can no longer
suck.  This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker.  A candle is
a primitive dark sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.  You will notice that
after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which
has been sucked into it.  If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an
operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the
dark flowing into the candle.
     
     Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers.  The bulbs in these can't handle all of
the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.  When the
dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the
portable dark sucker can operate again.
     
     Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.
Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick
instead of through glass.  This generates a great amount of heat.  Thus it can
be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.  Dark is also heavier than
light.  If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and
darker.  When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in
total darkness.  This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the
lake and the lighter light floats to the top.  The immense power of dark can
be utilized to man's advantage.  We can collect the dark that has settled to
the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines which generates electricity
and helps push dark to the ocean, where it may be safely sorted.  Prior to
turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to
the ocean.  The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it.  When
on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark,
they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they
traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push
the dark along its way.
     
     Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to
stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly
open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but
since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the
closet.
     
     In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives
much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that
it is indeed a dark sucker.
     
        * The above was reprinted from the Bell Labs Newsletter
     
-Colin --O.
         O--
_________________________________________________________________
Colin Smith                |
Colin@ACADVM1.UOTTAWA.CA   |   "A mime is a terrible
Computing & Comm. Services |    Thing to waste."
University of Ottawa       |
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada    |         Marcel Marceau's
K1N 6N5                    |         Second Live Album
(613) 564-8104             |
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