Date: Sun, 30 Sep 90 20:25:14 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Our mail links have been FUBAR, but I don't think I've forwarded this
 one
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie

 
Then there was the rope that fell into a vat of chocolate and came up singing:
 
"Sometimes I fell like a knot, sometimes I don't". . . . .
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
And then there was this barge floating along at sea.
Ahead of it was this cruise ship.  The cruise ship, asked the barge,
"Hey, are you the Love Boat?" To which the barge replied,
 
"No, I'm a freight yacht!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
     A young private lived in a barracks infested with fleas and ticks, and
though he complained often to the seargant of his platoon, nothing was ever
done about the problem.  However, one weekend he received a weekend pass, and
went to the nearby town to party it up with his friends.  Unbeknownst to him,
the barracks was disinfected and fumigated while he was away.
 
     Upon his return, he looked at his bed and said, "Oh, well, another night
of bug-bites and itching ahead..."
 
     And the bead replied, "No, I'm a sprayed cot."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
     A young executive was working at her desk late one night, when she acci-
dentally knocked over a bottle of ink.  The ink began running toward the
project she was working on, and she hastily wiped at it with a Kleenex.
Assuming she had eradicated the offensive substance, she finished up what she
was doing and left for the night.
 
     When she arrived in the morning, she began leafing through her papers, and
discovered one sheet had a large ink stain on it.  She swore, then turned to
the ink bottle and said, "Ooh, I thought I wiped you up last night!"
 
     The spot on the page looked at her and said, "No, I'm a strayed blot."
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
So there was this guy in the oold ages in shining armor, in Camelot.
He had been set-up by a nemesis, and was doing some time in the dungeon,
for a crime he didn't commit.
Another inmate asked,
 
You must have done something horrible to get in here."
And our hero said "No, I'm a framed knight"
 
He was able to prove his innocense, and was let go.
He ran into his nemesis who was surrised to see him loose.
 
"I thought you were locked up for good?"
 
"No," said our hero, "I'm a freed knight"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    These three Australian Pecans went into a bar that only served Peanuts.
As the first Pecan approached the bar, the bartender axed, 'Hey, what are you? A
Pecan? We don't serve Pecans here, only Peanuts.'  So the poor Pecan left.
    As you may guess, the second Pecan attempted the same thing and was also
turned away.
    The third Australian Pecan got a good idea.  He went outside and threw
himself on a barbie and rolled around in the coals for a bit.  He returned to
the bar and approached the bartender who axed, 'Hey, aren't you one of them
Pecans?'
    To which our hero replied: 'No, I'm a fried nut.'
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
     An old, arthritic, and exceptionally stupid dog was snoozing in the
middle of the road.  Alluva sudden a big street cleaning vehicle comes by and
maims the dogster, tossing him to the side of the road.  Some time later, a
yuppie couple stop in their BMW 535i and pull over to see how the dog is.
"Good Lord," sez the guy, "Are you all right?"  To which the dog replies,
~No, I'm a flayed mutt."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Sally's pen explodes and a large splat of black ink drops onto her lapel.  After
many bleachings and washings, the stain had faded but showed no sign of coming
out altogether.  She exclaimed one day, "You are a pain!"
To which the stain replied:  "No, I'm a greyed blot."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The local newspaper reporter was covering the catastrophic fire at the
psychiataric ward of the hospital. Wanting to get his story straight about
who and how many were injured he question many of the people at the scene. So
far everyone of the injured was a member of the staff. Coming to a man who had
been seriously burned when the oil furnace exploded he asked, "are you a doctor
or a nurse too?" "No," came the reply, "I'm a fried nut".
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
There once was a magical kingdom where the princess of the castle was turned
into a small amphibian by an evil witch.  She was held prisoner by the witch
for many years, until one day a handsome prince rescued her from the witch's
cottage in the woods.  The prince asked, "Excuse me, but are you a princess
that was turned into a salamander and that I have now released?"
 
"No," she replied, "I'm a freed newt."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Actually, this musician was melting butter in a pan on the stove not
far from where he had been composing music at his workbench.  With
much punk, an ink blot jumps off the staff paper and leaps into
the frying pan, dancing and singing around.  The musician asks:
"Hey, dotted quarter!  Are you nuts, or what?"  "No!" replies the dot.
"I'm a fried note."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
After Alexander (the Great) applied his famous solution to the Gordian knot,
he and his soldiers continued on their merry way leaving the severed knot to
lie on the ground in two tangled piles.  One soldier, who was quite far back
in the column and had not seen the action earlier, had this to say:
 
  Look at the size of those two piles of worms!!!
 
To which the knot replied, as all good knots will,
 
  No, I'm a filleted knot.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
And overloaded a logic inverter, causing it to go up in a puff of smoke:
 
"Are you OK?"
 
"No, I'm a fried NOT!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
It was the late 1950's, and actor Don Knotts was temporarily out of work.
He happened to hear that Hanna-Barbera was looking for voices for the
characters in its new animated series, "The Flintstones".  After his first
audition, he was told that he had a good shot at the voice of Barney Rubble,
but in the meantime he should go out into the front lounge to wait for
further news.  The lounge turned out to be filled with actors and actresses
who were there to audition for the voices of Fred, Barney, Wilma and Betty.
Don noticed an old friend of his across the room, a Mr. Chisteviejo.  Don
walked up to his friend, slapped him on the back, and said, "Say, Chisteviejo,
are you a 'Fred' or a 'Barney'?"  Without hesitation, Chisteviejo replied:
 
"I'm a 'Fred', Knotts . . . "
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
So these two acorns were dangling side-by-side on a branch of their mighty oak,
when a starling landed.  The larger of the acorns dropped to the ground below.
The fallen acorn surveyed the situation, and excitedly reported back to its
once-neighbor, "What a feeling of freedom down here! With each rustle of wind,
I can roll, the ground is cool and damp, and when a dog or person strolls by,
the whole earth seems to vibrate. This is great. Do you want'a come down?"
To which the still suspended acorn just HAD to reply, "No, I'm a treed nut."
 
 
A massive lightning strike hit a pond near my house one day, and boiled all
the water out.  The next day, I went back to the blasted mudhole (nee pond)
and noticed a large number of amphibian bodies strewn in the area.  I picked
up one charred specimen, wondering aloud if it had been a frog, when I heard
it reply...
   "No, I'm a fried newt!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A cargo train hits a rough spot and a nut flies out of one of the cars.  It
lands in a parts box in an electronics firm, right next to a shiny bolt.
The bolt says "Hey, gorgeous!  Are you from
around here?  I was *made* for guys who look like you."
Our hero turns despondently to her and says "No, I'm a freight nut."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
     A jungle explorer was sitting in the woods when a bizarre insect
landed on his arm.  The tiny beast sported a goatee and a little bitty pipe
which blue little bitty smoke rings.  It began to tell the neighboring insects
as to the anaylsis of dreams.  "Heavens!"  exclaimed the explorer.  "What are
you, a new species?"  To which the creature replied, "No, I'm a Freud gnat."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A dog is sleeping outside one night, and sleeps well into the next day.
By the time she awakes, the sun is already high in the sky.  Naturally,
the dog develops is very hot and is looking for a drink.
 
Another dog sees her, and asks, "Are you okay?"
 
Our heroine responds, "No, I'm a fried mutt."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A fishing vessel is dragging its net through an area rich with fish.
Unexpectedly, a rat chews the main line through and the net goes sinking
into the deep, much to the dismay of the crew.  At the ocean floor,
an octopus and a squid look at the strange thing that has fallen upon
them.  The octopus, irritated, looks at it and says, "What the hell are
you, some kind of strange fish?
 
     It replies, "No, I'm a freed net."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A group of planter's peanuts were out for a stroll one day in the kitchen.
Unsalted thought that it might be fun to go for a stroll on the big deep-
fryer that was sitting on the counter.  They climbed up a wooden spoon that
was leaning against the vat, and began to walk around the edge.  Honey-
roasted lost her balance and fell in.  Unsalted, quite alarmed, looked
down into the vat and shouted, "Are you allright, Honey?"
 
      Honey surfaced, looked at him, and replied,
     "No, I'm a fried nut."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
An ignorant fool posted some anti-homosexual blathering over all of the
newsgroups on USENET, in order to gain complete recognition by all of its
members.  For months the flames soared and the poor little homophobe had
to unsubscribe to most of them.  One day FIDONET happened by and looked
at the weary USENET.  "You look pretty bad.  Are you OK?" he asked.
The reply from the weary network was, "No, I'm a fried net."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
When I was in boot camp at Parris Island, one young marine was extremely
clumsy, dropping his rifle several times during the daily drills.  A
rather exciteable drill seargant soon became angry and asked the
recruit "Son, are you as clumsy with your rifle on the shooting range
as you are on the field?"  To which was replied, "No sir, I'm a great shot."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
And if Usenetters had written "Monty Python & the Holy Grail" ...
 
    How do you know she's a witch?
    I'm a freed newt.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"Ginger" MacTavish had lived Down South (London), away from his family
and friends, for many years.  One day, a boyhood chum of his happend
to be passing through town, and called him up for a chat.  In the
course of the conversation, his friend asked Ginger if his hair was
still bright red, as it had been when they were boys.
 
"Och, ye maun weel know", Ginger replied ...
 
         " ... I'm a grayed Scot ..."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Two zeros are walking down the street.  One zero is coughing very badly.
The coughing is getting severe, so his buddy asks him:
"Are you all right?"
The second zero responds:
"No, I'm a phlegmed naught."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
    These three zeroes were travelling through some cold weather and became
    thirsty, so they stopped in at a local bar for some warmth & refreshments.
    When the first zero approached the bar, the bartender (whose mathematical
  skill didn't quite reach the level of familiarity with  single-digit numbers,
asked, "Say, aren't you a zero?  We don't serve zeros here."
    The second zero tried to order and the bartender said "You're a zero
too,   aren't you?  I already told your friend, no zeros allowed!"
    The last zero, before approaching the bar, stepped outside & rolled in
the  snow for several minutes until he was quite cold.  When he re-entered the
building and walked up to the bar, the bartender said "Not again!  You'd better
not be another zero!"
    To which the cold number replied, "No, I'm a frigid naught!"
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
    The president of the Flintstones Fan Club walked into a bar, and the bar-
tender, recognizing the man but not quite remembering from where, asked,
"Say, aren't you the guy that's so crazy about watching the Jetsons?"
    The Flintstone fan's reply was, "No, I'm a Fred nut."
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
    A small lizard was minding its own business when a knight rode up and,
     thinking the lizard to be a dragon, attacked it and bashed it over its head
 with
a heavy ball-and-chain.
    Not much later, another knight (a former bartender) spotted the hurt lizard
and asked, "Say, are you a wounded dragon?"
    The lizard, still dizzy from the blow, replied, "No, I'm a flailed newt."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
   There once was a Leprechaun fascinated by insects, which he caged and kept
as pets. There were hundereds of the cages throughout his home, each
containing a single insect. As it happened one day, he had forgoten to close
his window while cleaning the cage of one of the smaller insects, and
it escaped.
   The little bug was enjoying it's new found capability of unhindered flight
when it chanced upon a gnome, who recognized it as his friend's pet.
"Are you on your way home, little one?" the gnome asked.
And the insect replied "No, I'm a freed gnat."
 
