Date: Fri, 21 Sep 90 11:59:59 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Henry sends his regards :-)
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie

 
Why is neither NUTS nor LISTSERV identified in the list headers?
I don't know either.  I have sent a message to the list owner on
the subject (recommending that NUTS@FINHUTC be the "Sender" which
is the form other lists use).  LISTSERV@FINHUTC seems to have some
idiosyncracies of its own (according to postmasters who have had
trouble with it).  At any rate, the 'Reply-To' and 'Sender' addresses
you are getting ARE the list owner's address (he can unsub you if
that's what you need).  It would be appropriate to direct inquiries
to that address.
 
Now for the amusing stuff-
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Life is like a roller coaster, but I'm glad to be tall enough to ride
 
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"The more people I meet the more I like my dog."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
President Bush was in a serious accident and was in a coma for three years.
When he woke up, he had this conversation with a nurse:
Nurse:  President Bush, you're awake!  You've been in a coma for three years.
Bush:  Really?  Well, how's Qualye doing?
Nurse:  Oh, he's doing great.  The economy is better than ever and we even get
        our mail on time now.
Bush:  Great.  How much does it cost to mail a letter now, anyway.
Nurse: A hundred yen.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q: What's the differnce between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer match?
A: They sell beer at an English soccer match.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Do you know why the Pope always kisses the ground when he arrives for a visit??
No?.... apparently you never flew with Air Italia!!!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
How can you tell when a belgium is a electrician?
He is all black and burned....
 
One day I found a Belgium beside the road looking puzzled.
I ask him what the problem was.
He said he wanted to know how high the pole was that was standing there.
I said cut it down and measure its length.
No he said , I want to know the height, not the width....
 
How many Belgiums do you need to milk a cow?
24. Four to hold the udder and 20 to move the cow up and down...
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
   You better not sink
   You better not float
   You better not dangle your feet from a boat
   SANTA JAWS IS COMING TO TOWN
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
On a poster:
 
	It's not my place to run the train
		The whistle I can't blow
	It's not my place to say how far
		The train's allowed to go
	It's not my place to shoot off steam
		Nor even clang the bell
	But let the damn thing jump the track
		And see who catches Hell!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
When I was in the Army in the early 70s, we had two guys named Ellis --
one was Danny Ellis, the other was Claude Ellis.  So the lifers had to
use their initials when calling out their names in formation to
distinguish the two.
 
They never did understand why, whenever they announced:
 
   "Ellis, D!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Top Ten Interesting Facts About the New Ayatollah
(Late Night With David Letterman, June 6, 1989)
 
10.  Digs surfing, skiing, and long walks on the beach.
 9.  Became Ayatollah by being the 100th caller to Radio Teheran's Morning Zoo.
 8.  Real name is Keith Johnson.
 7.  Loves "The Satanic Verses."
 6.  Promises to make ugly guys wear veils too.
 5.  Was the baby on the Ivory Snow box in the early 50's.
 4.  Bats right.  Throws right.
 3.  Was a New York City cab driver:  1977-1979.
 2.  Appears briefly -- clad only in a towel -- in Rob Lowe video.
 1.  Promises to carry on with "lunacy as usual."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Theologians have been meeting for 15 years to revise the Revised Standard
Version the Bible.  The New Revised Standard Version (or NRSV) will be
published in 1990.
 
Among the changes are two that were made to avoid possible misunderstanding:
 
Psalm 50:9 is being changed from "I will accept no bull from your house" to
"I will not accept a bull from your house."
 
2 Corinthians 11:25 is being changed from "Once I was stoned" to "Once I
received a stoning."
 
Strange but true.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Waiter, there is a fly walking on my soup...
The waiter approches, looks at the fly , falls to his knees, brings his hands
up in the air and shouts..
Holy me..... jezus is back on earth.....
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson,
when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea.
The man looks up to the heavens and says "Oh Lord, this is my only
grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will
not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."
 
Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.
 
The gandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	A Texan was visiting Calgary for the big event, The Calgary
Stampede. He found himself in one of the many local drinking
establishments one evening, bragging to everyone about the size of
things back in Texas.
	"Why," he said, "back home in the Lone Star State I can get
in the saddle, ride all day, and still not reach the other side of my
ranch."
	"Yeah," said a local Albertan, downing his beer, "I know just
what you mean -- I have a horse like that, too."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(A bit old, but worth sharing ... thanx to Larry Shilkoff)
 
In Great Britain, British Airways performs "birdstrike" tests on aircraft
by shooting deceased chickens from special cannons directly at the windshield
of the aircraft (not an unusual practice).  It seems that the major British
railroad (can't remember the name) decided to cash in on a little publicity
by anouncing that their trains are just as good as aircraft.  To prove it,
they called the media for a demonstration of a birdstrike test on their engine.
 Well, when the cannon was fired, the chicken went through the windshield,
broke the backrest of the engineers seat and put a dent in the wall.
 Dumbfounded
and embarrased, they soon realized someone had loaded a frozen chicken in the
 cannon.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Three pilots are boasting who flew the biggest plane.
The first one:
I was a copilot once on a plane when the pilot said, hey take over , i have
to go to the toilet in the back, it took him 30 minutes to get back. And
he was using a bike to get there..
The second one:
I was a copilot one day on a plane when the captain told me to get the bike
to go the the right wing tip check the flaps..
It took me two hours to get back and I am a good cyclist....
The third one:
One day when I was flying this huge plane, i told my copilot to get his Ferrari
to find out where the funny noise in the back of the plane was coming from.
Three hours later he returned with the message that somebody had left the
toilet window open and that there was a 747 flying around the lightbulb....
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A little later, as we waited for another airliner to cross in front of
us and some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from
the overhead bins, the head stew announced on the intercom, "... this
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors
the cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in their seats
until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will
be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Re: I came, I saw, I hacked
 
I'm no Latin scholar, but I think that should read
 
"Vini, vedi, hacki".  "vici" is "I conquered".
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Why is there water in the mississippi??
Otherwise there would be to much dust when the ships pass by....
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One time I asked an IBM salesman if it was easy to change the ROM.  His
reply was that it was changed every time the system is rebooted!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
>I can just imagine the copier repairman's chuckle when he blamed the broken
>copier on light 'getting in'. "you let light into the copier, so its your
>fault it broke".
 
As a former copier repairperson  I must tell you that this is true for
some machines.  Obviously light is needed to make a copy,  but long
term exposure of some photoconducters to room light can damage them.
On some machines an open cover leaves the drum/belt/master exposed to
some room light and fatigues it badly over time.  So the local repair
person probably yelled at them to leave the cover down,  and the prof
doesn't know the difference.  If  I was the tech I wouldn't have cared,
just keep charging them $$$$$ for new drums :)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	there were these two kids going uphill on a bike. The hill
	was quite steep and the guy driving the bike had to make a
	lot of effort to really make the thing move. The other guy sitting
	on the front was also making some effort on his own.
 
	Finally after much huffing and puffing they made it to the top.
	The guy driving exclaimed," Boy, that was a real steep hill."
	The other replied," You bet it was. If I had not kept the
	brakes pressed all along we would be at the bottom of the hill by now".
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
About Indianna Jones 3:
 
>
> And why did he speak English?  Modern English?  Maybe he should've spoken
> Middle English and only the museum curator (name escapes me) could translate
> accurately.
 
One amazing thing I learned from the old Star Trek series, people
all over the galaxy who have not had contact with earthlings have
developed their own form of English, and apparently some of the more
primitive civilizations had intercepted reruns of Tarzan movies and
based their version of English on Johnny Weismeuller (new modern
spelling).  So it makes sense that the knight spoke modern English
(especially since he LOOKED so English, at least if he got a shave
he would, anyway).
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One of the problems dealt with during the training of Southern
Baptist ministers is how to handle those uncomfortable situations
in which, while the minister would be forbidden to lie, the truth
would be hurtful if not down right cruel.
 
As a  particular case, when faced with a particularly ugly baby
--and, sadly, they do exist-- the prospective minister is taught
to throw up his hands while emitting a delighted "Why!  It's a baby!".
 
 
So our scene shifts to a large Baptist convention.  The Bishop,
making the rounds, comes upon a young newly ordained minister who is
also a recent, proud papa.  Looking down, the Bishop says "Why, it's
a baby!", whereupon the young minister decks him.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Last night a 6085 appeared briefly on TV (Nightline) in an item about how
the Voice of America (VOA) has been the main source of information in China!
 According to the Washington Post:
 
"Yesterday, C.H. Hsieh, a writer and editor at VOA for 17 years, was
 demonstrating
the ease of translating the English scripts into Mandarin.  He types English
on the ordinary computer keyboard and the screen produces the Mandarin
 translation.
 [The system] provides its own sensation of orderliness in the bureau."
 
(Ahem, well, our system doesn't actually translate the English language to
Chinese, just Romanized phonetics to Chinese script.  But still, Xerox products
are famous for providing a sensation of orderliness ...)
 
Also, it seems that the USIA is broadcasting the VOA Mandarin newscasts on
television as well.  Recipients need a small dish antenna to pick up the
satellite signal, but there are several thousand of them, no doubt connected
to communal television receivers, scattered around China.  The radio script,
hot off the laser print server, is being scrolled across the bottom of the
screen, presumably for the benefit of the non-Mandarin audience.
 
I still haven't found out if we're also responsible for the unrest in Uzbekistan
 ...
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK:
 
GROSS PAY: $1222.02
 
INCOME TAX	OUTGO TAX	STATE TAX	INTERSTATE TAX	COUNTY TAX
  244.40	  45.21		  61.10		   5.89		  6.11
 
CITY TAX	RURAL TAX	BACK TAX	FRONT TAX	SIDE TAX
  12.22		  4.44		  1.11		  1.16		  1.61
 
UP TAX		DOWN TAX	KNICKNACK TAX	HACKENSAC TAX	THUMBTAX
  2.22		  1.11		  1.98		  3.93		  0.98
 
CARPET TAX	SNACK TAX	SURTAX		MA'AM TAX	PARKING FEE
  0.69		  8.32		  3.46		  3.46		  5.00
 
NO PARKING FEE	F.I.C.A.	T.G.I.F.	LIFE INS.	HEALTH INS.
  10.00		  81.88		  9.95		  5.85		  16.23
 
DISABILITY INS.	ABILITY INS.	LIABILITY INS.	DENTAL INS.	MENTAL INS.
  2.50		  0.25		  3.41		  4.50		  4.33
 
FUNDAMENTAL INS	COFFEE		COFEE CUPS 	CALENDAR RENTAL	FLOOR RENTAL
  0.11		  6.85	  	66.51		   3.06		  16.85
 
CHAIR RENTAL	DESK RENTAL	UNION DUES	UNION DON'TS	CASH ADVANCES
  4.32		  4.32		  5.85		   3.77		   0.69
 
CASH RETREATS	OVERTIME	UNDERTIME	EASTERN TIME	CENTRAL TIME
  121.35	  1.26		   54.83	   9.00		   8.00
 
MOUNTAIN TIME	PACIFIC TIME	DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME	TIME OUT
  7.00		  6.00		       4.44		  12.21
 
OXYGEN		WATER		ELECTRICITY	HEAT	AIR CONDITIONING
 10.02		16.54		  38.23		51.42	     46.83
 
MISC
169.24
 
 
TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	In my undergraduate days I was living in a dormitory on campus.
It was kind of like a two bedroom apartment and four of us were living
there. One night, we all went to see the original Phantasm movie at the
theater on campus. One notable thing about this movie, beside the floating
silver ball that bores little knives into people's foreheads, is that
the big mortician guy is always crashing through doors, windows, and
mirrors and grabbing his victims from behind usually scaring the b'jesus
out of the audience, in particular myself.
	After the movie, we had returned to our apartment and we were
getting ready to turn in for the night when my roommate decided to mess
with my mind a little. He and I had been roommates for over three
semesters and at some previous time I was foolish enough to confess to him
that one of my idiosyncracies was that I always slept with my feet
toward the door of the bedroom. This was to prevent any burglers, murderers,
or generally scary creatures of the night who might come through the
bedroom door from being able to sneak up behind me whilst I slept. In this
particular apartment this meant that I had my head right under a window.
Well, right before he turns out the light, my roommate says to me, "Are
you really going to sleep with your head next to the window tonight?"
	After laying in the darkness for a moment pondering this, I
got up and turned myself around so that my feet were towards the window
and my head was towards the door which of course amused my roommate and
gave him no end of satisfaction at having gotten under my skin.
	I was laying there, just starting to dose off, when a noise
outside the window caused my to snap to alertness. After a few moments
of sitting upright in bed straining my ears, I determined that it was
safe to once again close my eyes and I proceeded to dose off. Seconds
later, I had the scare of my life when two hands came crashing through
the venetians blinds emitting a loud growl and latching onto my ankles.
Prior to this experience, I would not have thought it possible that
someone could leap three feet into the air from a horizontal position
but that is exactly what I did. The simultaneous scream that I let out was
sufficient to alert half of the residents of the dormitory to the
mayhem that was occurring in our apartment.
	You can all rest assured that the hands belonged to one of the
other of my three roommates who was in cahoots with the aforementioned
prankster and that after several years of therapy I am now able to
sleep in any orientation with respect to my bedroom door.
 
