Date: Sun, 9 Sep 90 14:41:06 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Henry Cate III sends his regards
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie

 
This is a bit old, but i'v just finally got around to mailing it.
 
Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, was quoted in "The Technique,"
Georgia Tech's newspaper, last November (after the computer worm hit the net):
 
"It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the
system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine some
of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very sharp,
probably not someone here on campus."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Seen on a Chevy:
        On a quiet night, you can hear the old Fords rust.
 
Seen on a Ford:
        Friends don't let friends drive Chevys.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q: WHAT'S THE BEST THING THAT COMES OUT OF TEXAS?
A: I-35
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q:Could you please tell me what world the United States is in ?
Q:And while you're at it woodja tell me what state the World is in ?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I called our company operator and asked her if she could give me the
area code for Washington, D.C.  She replied, "What state is that in, Sir?"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
About 20 years ago, I heard a weatherman on a Detroit tv station say...
 
"...and northward, in the Canadian states...."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	A feeling common to most Canadians is that Americans, when met
individually, can be so likable, while the country as a whole is not.  The
American I liked best in my travels about Europe was the young man I
encountered one day at the Acropolis as tourists scrambled to record that
crowning achievement high above smoggy Athens.  He was standing outside the
Parthenon, offering to operate the cameras carried by an endless series of
puffing couples in pastels and pinks.  He had grown so ashamed of the
gaucheness and vulgarity of his fellow Americans throughout Europe that he
decided the Parthenon -- the site of the photograph of a lifetime for Madge and
Henry -- was the spot for revenge.  He took all their pictures for them --
while carefully cutting off their heads or including only their feet.  He
cackled as he imagined all those tourists, safely back home in Iowa or
Louisiana, finding out when the drugstore returned their Kodak prints that a
saboteur with the same passport had betrayed them.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
  This is a true story.  A couple of years ago, a Belgian friend
of mine took his brother to see Yellowstone Park.  Now, my friend
had spent some time in the U.S., so he understood English pretty
well, but his brother had some difficulty.  They were looking at
a geyser, and they wanted to take a picture (make a photo) of it
with the name of the fountain in the picture.  The brother walked
around the fountain to a sign he saw.  He then told everyone that
this was the "KEEP OFF GEYSER."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In one of the smaller towns in Texas, a completely new school board
was voted into office in the 1988 election.  After taking over, they
dutifully issued a budget for FY1990, carefully balanced to projected
revenues.  When the state's Board of Education in Austin asked why
they planned to spend NO money on foreign language education that
year, the answer was:
	"We don't hold with new-fangled ways.  If English was good
	enough for Jesus Christ, it should be good enough for the
	children of our town."
Last I heard, no one from Austin has been able to show them the flaw
in their logic.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I hate to inject some reality here, but "length of coastline" isn't really
meaningful. How long a coastline is depends on what size ruler you use to
measure it - it's a fractal, and this is one of their amusing properties.
Of course, country borders that follow terrain have the same problem -
an amusing example is the border between Spain and Portugal - depending on
which side you ask, the length of the border differs by almost 50%!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
THATS IT !!! i'm an israeli and hence impartial to all this (except that i
LOVE canadians and go there whenever i can to get a taste of civilization).
for a yank to laugh at anybody's geography requires NERVE (don't flame,
i'm trying to offend you :-)). examples :
 
- bozeman montana, we walk out of a bar and meet these two lively and lovely
girls, start talking and finally one announces - "i know why you picked
massachusetts !". quit intrigued (i still can't figure out how i got here)
i ask why; "because it's right in the MIDDLE of the united states !!!"
 
- a yugoslavian friend gives a lift to two local students. they talk and
finally inquire about his accent. he admits his nationality and asks them if
they know where yugoslavia is. answer - "in asia ?"...
 
- skiing in vermont i pair up on the lift with a guy from new jersey. again,
we talk, i admit my mass. residence and the guy asks - "massachusetts ? is
that to the north of vermont ?".
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	Ha!  That's nothing.  My mother is fond of recalling a time
	at work when the conversation turned to World War II.  One
	co-worker asked my mom "It was Hitler who was the president
	of Russia during that war, right?", only to receive a look of
	shocked disbelief from her.  Another co-worker pipes up with
	"No, silly!  That was Napoleon, right Galina?" Believe
	it or not, these two "professionals" had no clue who Mussolini and
	Stalin were, never mind whose side they were on.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	I read an article in the paper recently, about a Canadian comedian
	(John Wing Jr.) who was making that big move to the US from Canada.
	He was lamenting the problems he was having taking his jokes with
	him, and gave the following example:
 
	'Well, now the Americans are claiming that we used steroids to win
	 the War of 1812!'
 
	It seems that most Americans aren't aware that there was a War of 1812.
	Or that they lost.  (To the British,actually.  Canada didn't exist
	at the time.)
 
	The joke naturally loses some of its zing when prefaced by a descrip-
	tion of what the War of 1812 was.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I don't mind someone sticking a pin into Americans -- that one about "dropping
cruise missiles on bits of Alberta" was pretty good --  but some of this
stuff is starting to feel more like an axe.  I can't believe Americans are the
only country whose population includes a percentage of complete dummies.
 
Though I have to admit we have some first-class ones.  When I was stationed
in Germany in 1975 I went out to formation one clear crisp Spring morning.
The sun had not yet risen over the hills; the sky was pale blue, and the
full moon was hanging low over the trees.
 
A kid from Missouri named Herbie walked out, looked at the moon, and said:
"Germany sure is strange!  The moon comes out in the day over here!"
 
My mouth literally fell open.  I told myself:  He's *got* to be putting me
on, nobody's that stupid!  I said:  "Herbie, you *never* saw the moon come
out in the day in Missouri?"
 
"Nope!  Doesn't do it, there!"
 
By God, he really *is* that stupid ...
 
PS: I told this story to a girl from Texas once, and she replied:  "It doesn't
come out in the day in Texas, either."
 
I blinked.  This girl had a Master's degree in pharmacy and knew everything
about every drug in the world.  "Carol," I said with forced patience, "when
does the full moon rise?"
 
She stared at me.  A mutual friend spoke up:  "Sundown."
 
"Oh," she said.  "But I don't know as much about astronomy as you do."
 
I blinked again, and had to remind myself that the first time I'd ever
been asked that question I had to have it explained to me, too.  Felt
pretty stupid after it was ...
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"The purpose of a fish trap is to catch fish,
 and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten.
 The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits.
 When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten.
 The purpose of words is to convey ideas.
 When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten.
 Where can I find a man who has forgotten words?
 He is the one I would like to talk to."
   -Chuang Tzu
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Taken from the May/June 1989 Utne Reader, which took this from
Shawn Gosieski, New Cyclist, Fall 1988.  (and it has come in from
other sources -ed)
 
 
	A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market,
riding their bicycles.  When they arrived at the monastary and had dis-
mounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?"
 
	The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of
potatoes.  I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!"  The
teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy!  When you grow
old, you will not walk hunched over like I do."
 
	The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields
pass by as I roll down the path!"  The teacher commended the second student,
"Your eyes are open, and you see the world."
 
	The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content
to chant nam myoho renge kyo."  The teacher gave praise to the third stu-
dent, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."
 
	The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony
with all sentient beings."  The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth
student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."
 
	The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my
bicycle."  The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said,
"I am your student!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Some favorite Cheer's lines:
 
 
I liked the one where Norm walks in and says, "Hello Sammy!"
"Hey Norm, want me to draw you a cold one?"
"No need for the sketches, Sam, I know what it looks like...."
 
 
Norm walks into Cheers.
Norm:	Woody, make sure you stop me after one tonight.
Woody:	(surprised)
Norm:	On second thoughts, make it 1:30
 
 
A man walks into cheers and orders a tonic water and lime. Sam and the
man begin a conversation, and become aquainted. The next day the same
man walks in and Sam says to Woody, "Woody, get that man a tonic water
and lime."
Woody says to the man, "Is that what you want?"
"Yes", the man replies.
Woody says to Sam, "Wow, how did you know what he wanted."
"Because he ordered it yesterday", replies Sam.
"Well I'd better hurry up then", says Woody.
 
 
Dr. Crane:  "(Says some famous quote, I don't recall what it was)",
	    Then he says, "Who said that Woody?"
Woody: "Who said what Dr. Crane?"
Dr. Crane: "(says the famous quote again)"
Woody: "Well you said it Dr. Crane."
Dr. Crane: "No I mean who said it the first time?"
Woody: "Well you said it both times"
Dr. Crane: "Never mind Woody"
 
 
Sam - Hey Norm, how's life in the fast lane?
Norm - How should I know? I can't find the on ramp.
 
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Riddles and puzzles with solutions below
 
What do the following mean?
 
       MAN
1)   -------
      BOARD
 
      STAND
2)   --------
        I
 
3)   R/E/A/D/I/N/G
 
      WEAR
4)   ------
      LONG
 
5)   R
    ROADS
     A
     D
     S
 
6)  T
    O
    W
    N
 
7)  CYCLE
    CYCLE
    CYCLE
 
8)  LE
      VEL
 
       0
9)  --------
      B.A.
      M.D.
      Ph.D.
 
       KNEE
10)   --------
       LIGHTS
 
 
11)    II
      IIII
    ---------
       o o
 
 
 
     CHAIR
12)
 
13)  DICE
     DICE
 
14)  T
     O
     U
     C
     H
 
      GROUND
15)  ---------
       FEET
       FEET
       FEET
       FEET
       FEET
       FEET
 
      MIND
16)  -------
      MATTER
 
17)  HE'S/HIMSELF
 
18)  ECNALG
 
19)  DEATH/LIFE
 
        GI
20)  ---------
       C C C
        C C
         C
 
21)      J
    YOU  U  ME
         S
         T
 
22)  SGEG
     GEGS
     GSGE
     EGSG
 
 
a)  A box without hinges, key or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.
    What am I?
 
 
b)  Alive without breath, as cold as death
    Never thirsty, ever drinking
    All in mail, never clinking
    What am I?
 
 
c)
A man is almost finished building a house. He needs one last item so he
goes to a hardware store. He sees the item he needs and has the following
conversation with the salesclerk.
Man (pointing to item): How much are these?
Clerk: 25 cents each.
Man: Hmmm, that's 75 cents for one hundred.
Clerk: yes.
Man: I need fifty-two.
Clerk: That'll be 50 cents.
What did the man buy?
 
 
d)
	Three business men were travelling from somewhere Up North to
   somewhere Down South and stopped at a motel somewhere In Between.
   The man at the front desk told them they could have a large room for
   thirty bucks a night.  They each gave the man ten dollars (3X$10=$30).
   Shortly after they went to thier room the man at the front desk re-
   alized that he had over charged them; the room was only twenty-five
   bucks.  Soooooo.... he gave the buss boy five one-dollar bills and
   told him to go give the refund to the businessmen.  The buss boy
   couldn't figure out how to divide five bucks between three men so he
   pocketed two and gave each man one.  That means that each man payed
   nine dollars (3X$9=$27) and the boy made two dollars.  That adds up
   to twenty-nine dollars ($27+$2=$29).  What happened to the other
   dollar?
 
e)      If a plane crashes exactly on the border of the US and Canada,
	on which side do you bury the survivors?
 
f)
A man leaves home and jogs a straight line for so many feet and takes a left
turn. He jogs another straight line for so many feet and takes a left turn.
He jogs another straight line for so many feet and takes a left turn. As he
rounds the corner and is going back home he is confronted by two men in a masks.
What just happened?
 
 
g)  What runs forever but never moves?
 
 
h)  Bob and Sally are both found to be dead on the livingroom floor.
  The window is open, a table is overturned, there is broken glass
  on the floor, and there's a rather large puddle of water on the
  floor as well.
  Questions: (1) Who are Bob and Sally, and
             (2) How did they die?
 
 
 
i)  One of the classics:
	There is an animal that walks on four legs when starting out,
	two legs later on, and on three legs near the end of its journey.
	What is the animal?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
			NEWS BULLETIN!!!
 
Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the
fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main
building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons
of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to
the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex.
 
Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the
state-of-the-art fish truck when the trusk struck the clearly-marked
building.  "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had thewheel at the time of
the accident.  Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive
on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources
suggest he has a history of drug abuse.
 
The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the
accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran
out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers.  Woodhead
also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard
right".
 
The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would
assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in
about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure.  He also stated
that thjey ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an
accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish.
 
When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company
officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in
Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable
to be dispatched to the scene.
 
On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for
all species.
 
Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and
reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to
Washington, DC.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Solutions:
 
1)  "man overboard"
2)  "I understand"
3)  "reading between the lines"
4)  "long underwear"
5)  "crossroads"
 
6)  "downtown"
7)  "tricycle"
8)  "split level"
9)  "degrees below zero"
10) "neon lights"
 
11) "circles under the eyes"
12) "high chair"
13) "paradise"
14) "touchdown"
15) "6 feet underground"
 
16) "mind over matter"
17) "he's beside himself"
18) "look back or glance backwards"
19) "life after death"
20) "G.I. overseas"
 
21) "just between you and me"
22) "scrammbled eggs"
 
 
a)  An egg.
b)  a fish
c)  numbers
d)  The question is asked to mislead, the men paid $27, the hotel got $25,
     and the boy got $2
e)  On the Canadian side:  Canada doesn't have the death penalty, so the worst
    you could get is life in prison for burying people alive.
f)  He's a baseball player
g)  a river
h)  Fish, fishbowl fell
i)  man
 
