Date: Thu, 23 Aug 90 09:49:23 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: From Henry Cate III's archives
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie

 
----------------------------------------------------
 
       What did the traffic lights say to the sports car?
       Hey! Don't look now, I'm changing.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
       The sun-sorched vampire was crawling
       through the dessert, crying "Blood!  Blood!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"It was more dangerous to drive
away from Three Mile Island than
to stay there." -- Dr. Bruce Ames.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
>Why is it when you misplace something, it  is always in the last place
>you look??
 
   It isn't ... I have a friend who keeps looking after he finds things,
just to annoy people who ask that question.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog
to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A police officer arrived at the scene of an accident, and was greeted by
an overturned car with a gory mess all over the windscreen.  Realizing
he was out of his league, he called for an ambulance, and then slowly
walked over to the car.
 
"Are you all right in there?" he called, not expecting an answer.
 
A head popped out of the car's window.  "Yeah, I'm fine," the man said,
"but the pizza sure is a mess."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the
bottom of the escalator of the London Underground.  The busker
had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR."
The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!"
Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of
his wallet and gave it to the busker.  The officer was then greeted
with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	A man applied for a job, and was asked "What has 5 fingers, and is made
of leather?", to which he replied he didn't know.  The answer was a glove!
 He was then asked "What has 10 fingers and is made of leather?" to which
he replied he didn't know, and was told the answer was two gloves.  The third
and final question was "Who sits on the throne of England?" and after some
thought the man replied "Aha, I know -  three gloves!".
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	In the olden days, in Japan, it was traditional for an insult to be accompanied
by the throwing of and egg, the older the egg, the worse the smell, the graver
 the insult.
	This tradition became ritualised, and it was a matter of honour for the
egg to be deflected without breaking, thereby lessening the insult.
	Eventually the supply of bad eggs could not keep up with demand, and this
traditional ritual has come down to us today,  without the armour and the
 smell of the eggs.  Apart from the stylised movements,  the only link with
the old tradition is the name of the ritual, which conveys the sound of the
eggs hitting the armour, and the resultant smell, or "Kung Phew".
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical
rubber balls and told to find the volume.  They are given anything they
want to measure it, and have all the time they need.
 
The mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the
circumference.  He then divides by two times pi to get the radius,
cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds
and thereby calculates the volume.
 
The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.00000 gallons of water in
the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six
significant figures.
 
And the engineer?  He writes down the serial number of the ball, and
looks it up.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Once the devil overheard a poor young indian who was bemoaning
his fate upon the reservation.  The devil waited until he was done
complaining and made him an offer.  "I'll solve your problems and
make you happy beyond your wildest dreams.  All you have to do, is
answer two questions truthfully."
 
The redman, being honest to a fault, figured that this would be easy
so he agreed to the bargain.  The devil said "Here's the first
question, Do you like eggs?"  The indian allowed as to how he was
very partial to eggs (western talk for yes).
 
The devil then made him rich, and educated and happy beyond his
wildest dreams.  He also told him about the rest of the bargain
"If you fail to answer the second question truthfully when I ask it
I get your soul!" and he disappeared in a flash of smoke.
 
Forty years later, the indian was walking down the streets on New
York, on his way from his townhouse to a play he wanted to see when
he met an old-old indian in a blanket.  The old fellow said "How!"
and the happy indian said "Over-easy!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
1> A friend was telling me that one month her water bill was unusually high.
It puzzled her for a while till one night she woke up and heard the water
running in the bathroom. When she got up to investigate, she found that her
cat had learned how to flush the toilet and was sitting on the can flushing
away, over and over, watching the water go down the bowl.
 
2> A different friend (I don't have a cat but lot's of friends who do :-)
has a cat that knows how to ring the door bell. Took him a while to figure
that one out. The bell would ring, he would answer the door, nobody there.
"probably just some kids". After a while he noticed that the cat ran in
after the bell rang. He soon figured out that the cat found out that the
door opened when someone rang the bell. Pretty smart, eh?
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
>I would be curious to see what the creative minds of rec.humor could
>come up with.
How about the following?:
   A fool and his money are never around when you need them.
   Nothing ventured, nothing lost.
   The early worm gets the bird.
   Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
   He who laughs, lasts.
   People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
   He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
   A bird in the hand can get quite messy.
   A penny saved won't buy anything these days.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
reminds me of an incident that occured to my friend.  An law
enforcement officer pulled him over, takes his
liscence, registration, etc.
 
Officer:  "How long have you been driving?"
friend:   "About twenty minutes, why?"
 
Needless to say, that wasn't what the officer meant, and he wasn't in
a good mood...
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One day Mrs. Smith opened up her refrigerator and saw, quite to her
surprise, a gerbil reclining on the top shelf, almost asleep in the
refrigerator.  "What are you doing in my refrigerator?" she asked.
 
The gerbil replied, "Well, this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?"
 
"Well, yes," said Mrs. Smith.
 
And the gerbil said, "Well, I'm westing!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Letterman's Top 10 - 5/9/89
 
Copied without permission.
 
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Panamanian Elections.
 
10.  "Sorry I'm late.  I was stuck in the drug traffic.
9.  "A puppet government?  The kids should enjoy that."
8.  "We better just forget about our extensive plans to fix the election boys --
  Jimmy Carter is here!"
7.  "Porque' Rob Lowe canto en el Oscars?"
6.  "How the hell did Jesse Jackson get on the ballot?"
5.  "With 210% of the vote in, we are ready to project a winner."
4.  "The guy who played Ringo looked just like him.  (Sorry, that was heard at
  the Beatlmania concert, not the Panamanian election.)
3.  "Sorry for the confusion Miss Collins, but we're having really big
  ELECTIONS down here."
2.  "Congratulations!  You chose Pepsi."
1.  "A man, a plan, a rigged election -- Panama!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
David Letterman's Top Ten List for May 12, 1989
 
Top Ten Panamanian Tourist Slogans.
 
10.  Lead pipe fever -- Catch it!
 9.  Our swaggering pock-marked dictator has balloons for the kids!
 8.  You can sell your home movies to the nightly news.
 7.  Small, low-flying, unmarked planes leave every hour.
 6.  If professional wrestling were a country.
 5.  Boy --  that Ayatollah is nuts, isn't he?
 4.  Over 3 million beaten.
 3.  Have lots of fun saying "isthmus."
 2.  What -- like nobody was ever killed at Disneyworld?
 1.  The opposite of civilization!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
To prove its point that a proposed asphalt plant near a Garner, NC, Nabisco
bakery would not be harmful, Rea Construction Co. sponsored a blind taste
test of Chips Ahoy and Ritz crackers - regular versus some suspended in a
net inside an asphalt plant's exhaust stack.  The suspended cookies were judged
 tastier.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
   Hmm ... a former Prime Minister of Canada (Pierre Trudeau, if you
want to know) had a son born at Christmas time.  He named him Justin,
which was short for "Just in time for Christmas".  Or at least that's
the common explanation for where he got the name.  It seems quite
possible, coming from Trudeau.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
VENDING MACHINE FIGHTS BACK
_______ _______ ______ ____
 
LAWRENCE, Kan.(AP) -- A man rocking a vending machine that
failed to release a can of soda was fatally injured when the
machine fell on him, authorities said.
 
Lance Foster, 23, a University of Kansas student from
Stillwater, Okla., died Sunday while undergoing surgery for
injuries suffered in the Saturday accident, said Lt. Jeanne Longaker
of the university police.
 
Foster told police he put 50 cents in the machine and began rocking
it back and forth when the machine did not release a can of soda.
 
Other students heard the noise and were able to lift the machine off of
Foster, Longaker said.
 
Foster was taken to a Lawrence hospital and transported to the
medical center where he died.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Definitions of cooking terms
 
(These are from my brother-in-law, Bob Ekstrom, in Pitt, MN:)
 
tongue:
    A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly
    crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of
    dead cow.
 
yogurt:
    Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated
    and fermented milk.  Yogurt is one of only three foods
    that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other
    two are goulash and squid.
 
recipe:
    A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
    ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't
    own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
 
porridge:
    Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since
    children were granted the right to sue their parents.
    The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid",
    "hORRId" and "sluDGE".
 
preheat:
    To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time
    before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be
    burned when the food is put in, as well as when it
    is removed.
 
oven:
    Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky
    pieces of meat and poultry.
 
microwave oven:
    Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
    of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food
    placed within the cooking compartment.
 
calorie:
    Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
    the average individual prior to taking a second helping
    of a particular food.
 
arab coffee:
    Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in
    tiny cups at gunpoint.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
                          =======================
                          =TOP 40 PARTY COLLEGES=
                          =======================
           a ranking by those who know best-the students themselves-
               of the nation's most dedicated good-time campuses
 
compiled by Wayne Duvall [Playboy Jan. `87, pgs. 173-177]
typed in by Jason Scott 12/3/86-12/5/86
 
  Yes, it's cleanup time.  Drinking-age limits have been raised, AIDS is
scaring the bejesus out of casual sex and recreational is, thankfully, being
cracked down on.  All to the good, we say.  But, we wondered, how are college
students reacting?  Are campuses really turning into monastaries?  Or is there
a parallel universe out there where kids are doing what kids have always done?
 
  We decided to poll the undergraduates themselves.  Not the freshmen who've
already decided which investment bank they're going to interview for-this was
SOCIAL research, folks.  Over a six-month period, we interviewed campus club
leaders, dorm rush chairmen, fraternity presidents and other campus social
lights at more then 250 colleges nationwide and asked them if the partying was
really over.  The answer, from California to Rhode Island, was "Hell, no!" We
were innundated with candidates for leading party schools and then compiled
this list of the top contenders.
 
  So here, as a reminder that life goes on even in solemn times, is the
definitive ranking of fun schools as selected by the students.
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
  3.  SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY, San Diego:  The most beautiful women in
Californiaand the place that made the beach part legendary.  "School is a nice
thing to do between parties."
 
  8.  PLYMOUTH STATE COLLEGE, Plymouth, New Hampshire:  Chock-full of phys-ed
majors and future nail pounders.  "Instead of doing something constructive, we
party."
 
  10.  UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA, Charlottesville:  Home of the Tilkas-the
exclusive and honorable society (circa 1800s) made up of the best drinkers on
campus.  "If you come here, you're expected to party."
 
  18.  BALL STATE UNIVERSITY, Muncie, Indiana:  It may be small, but it boasts
a girl-to-guy ratio that men love.  Students also have party-till-you-can't se
bashes.  "If you need a place to fall into the gutter, this is it."
 
  21.  UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND, College Park:  This school IS the town, and thi
town rocks.  "We don't know where we're goin' after we graduate, 'cause we
don't know when we're graduatin'."
 
  22.  UNIVERSITY OF MISSISSIPPI, University:  Rich kids who have
mint-julep-on-the-veranda parties.  "They call us the country club of the
South."
 
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                           COOLEST TEACHER AND COURSE
                          Who says school can't be fun?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  FAVORITE PARTY TEACHERS:
 
  * The econ prof in the South who reguarly cuts his own class to play golf.
 
  * The business-law prof in the Southwest who supposedly teaches frats how to
    "get around the law..."
 
 
  * The teacher in a Rhode Island campus who - clad in leather - rides a
    Harley-Davidson chopper into the classroom.  On Halloween, grad assistants
    carry him to class in a coffin.
 
 
   FAVORITE PARTY COURSES:
 
  * The Midwestern college oceanography course, "that's had the same test for
    ten years."
 
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                         BEST PARTY CAMPUS TRADITIONS
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
  GLASSBORO STATE: Taping kitchen utensils to athletes' bodies. (Why? "Oh, it'
                   just something to do.")
 
  MICHIGAN STATE: The Ugliest Male Contest - A charitable fund-rasing event.
 
  MIT: These techies like to drop rubber balls and pumpkins from the roofs of
       tall buildings - just like Galileo and Letterman.
 
  PLYMOUTH STATE: Medieval Forum Festival- "People spend a weekend running
                  around in tin cans and tights. They look uglier than a can o
                  smashed frogs."
 
 
  UNIVERSITY OF CONNECTICUT: Cow Tipping - freshmen kneel next to a cow while
                             cronies tip it over.
 
